I don't like how my friend treats her partner

FA NG · 24-01-2018 10:23PM #1

My friend and her partner are both in their 30's, theyve been together for over 10 years, live together and have a 10 year old and 8 year old child.
Ive been friends with her since we were teenagers, she dropped out of school in second year and has no education - she's never held down a job for longer than a week her whole life.
Her partner has a very good job although he works very long hours sometimes 12 hours a day 5 days a week and doesnt get many holidays.
My friend always maintained she would get a job when their children started school, she still calls herself 'a stay at home mom' and says she 'wants to be the mom that's there for her children', her partner has tried to get her to look for employment because all the financial strain is on him but she always has an excuse.
She is getting childcare allowance, social welfare and claiming single parent allowance (even though shes with the childrens father). She has been sent on fas courses over the years but never stuck them out. On top of this she convinced her partner to open a joint bank account so she has full access to his money.
She gets her hair and nails done every week, (colour every 6 weeks) her teeth whitened, yoga and the gym a few times a week, new sports wear every few weeks for her exercise classes, she goes for regular back massages, goes out for lunch or dinner numerous times every week, goes out on the weekends, insists her partner takes her out on a date night once a week as she tells him she needs a break from the children.
Every Summer she goes away on holidays with friends or her family and another holiday with her partner and kids, she is constantly buying clothes, expensive makeup and shoes but if her partner buys anything for himself she loses her mind.
She will complain to me that john is after buying an xbox game or such and such and he knows we cant afford this, she'll tell me how shes so annoyed with him and she'll start an argument with him over spending some of his own hard earned money on himself.
She can buy/spend what ever she wants but he has to ask her permission to buy something or else deal with the consequences.
She goes out a few times a month, sometimes without her partner, mostly with him. (Her choice, she often wont go out without her partner)
A night out consists of new hair, new outfit, new shoes and new make-up, drinks, club admission, taxi's and food.
If he goes out for a few drinks with his friends from work she goes crazy, breaks up with him accuses him of being selfish and inconsiderate, tells him they cant afford for him to go drinking, accuses him of cheating and wanting other women (shes cheated on him more times than I can remember). He has to plead with her to go out with his friends and 'make it up' to her with meals/drinks or a day trip. She also demands that one night a week he give her massages. She made him sell his car because 'they couldnt afford it' she kept her car and he has to ask her permission to use it. I know its not my business but im finding it increasingly difficult to hold my tongue. The poor guy must be stressed to the max, he's her lapdog.
I cant imagine treating anybody that way. Am I wrong for feeling like this? should I just mind my own business?

Pelvis · 24-01-2018 10:54PM

Forget about him, that's not your business. More importantly, why are you friends with her? She sounds like a horrible human being.

dartboardio · 24-01-2018 11:23PM

Mind you're own business. Goady thread.

JupiterKid · 24-01-2018 11:26PM

Your so-called “friend” sounds like an utterly vile individual. Feckless, lazy, selfish, controlling, manipulative and self-absorbed.

I feel sorry for her partner and especially her children. But you are best staying out of intervening - it will only backfire badly on you.

TimeToShine · 24-01-2018 11:28PM

Ignore. Life will throw you enough curveballs without having to put up with other people's crap.

FA NG · 24-01-2018 11:44PM

Thanks for the responses, we're not really that close any more, she's treated me horribly throughout the years and I pulled back from her but something always happens and we get in touch again. The reason I bring it up is because if it was the other way around and her partner was controlling her like this id be very concerned and calling it abuse. He's in an abusive relationship and she doesnt even seem to have any awareness of her behaviour. As far as she's concerned she's right in the way she thinks and behaves.

eviltwin · 25-01-2018 12:02AM

FA NG wrote: »

Thanks for the responses, we're not really that close any more, she's treated me horribly throughout the years and I pulled back from her but something always happens and we get in touch again. The reason I bring it up is because if it was the other way around and her partner was controlling her like this id be very concerned and calling it abuse. He's in an abusive relationship and she doesnt even seem to have any awareness of her behaviour. As far as she's concerned she's right in the way she thinks and behaves.

It is abuse but you'd do better to talk to the victim here and support him than try and change the abuser. Assuming you are not close to him stay out of it.

wiggle16 · 25-01-2018 12:48AM

Your friend is a massive, bibulous, super-absorbent sponge.

But he is as bad for putting up with her, that's his choice. One day he might wake up to the fact that he is playing host to a parasite, but that will be his problem.

Stay out of it, it has nothing to do with you and there's nothing you can do about it anyway: you won't talk him out of being her unpaid staff. He will have to realise that on his own. You've clearly come to dislike her so don't waste your time watching her soak up someone else's earnings, and be rid of her.

runningbuddy · 25-01-2018 11:08AM

Jesus, what a hideous human being she is. However OP, this is none of your business. I'd keep my distance if I were you.

Xterminator · 25-01-2018 12:59PM

Hi Op

the word friend have many meanings. I cant see how any apply here.

your acquaintance sounds like a nasty person, if i was you i would dissociate myself from that person.

her relationship and partner are none of your business so yes, step back and get on with your own life.

dartboardio · 25-01-2018 03:58PM

These kinda threads are ridiculous, you're a fantastic person don't worry. Why don't you go talk to your 'friend' about it if you're so worried. You are obviously no real friend

woodchuck · 25-01-2018 04:33PM

Obviously this is something that needs to be sorted out between them as a couple and you're very unlikely to have any impact. However, given that she doesn't sound like a very good friend anyway, the next time she's acting out of line, personally I'd call her on it. In all likelihood she'll throw a strop and cut you out of her life. But she's not a real friend anyway so no loss, and at least you'll know you tried something.

Ghekko · 25-01-2018 08:16PM

FA NG wrote: »

She is getting childcare allowance, social welfare and claiming single parent allowance (even though shes with the childrens father). She has been sent on fas courses over the years but never stuck them out. On top of this she convinced her partner to open a joint bank account so she has full access to his money.

Does one parent family allowance not end when child is 7? If she is fraudulently claiming a payment you could report her?

wiggle16 · 25-01-2018 08:51PM

sugarman wrote: »

G'way out of that, victim blaming at its finest. A good friend of mine in a very similar situation eventually did leave his wife for similar and she got the house, the car, custody of the kids and a nice weekly maintenance sum. Nobody wanted to know about the abuse and torment he had to put up with for the previous 10 years.

Victim blaming? Oh please... so are you saying it's not his fault that he lets himself be treated this way? If so, whose fault is it? The reason she is getting away with this is because he lets her, for whatever reason.

Of course, he should stop the cashflow, put his foot down and tell her to go out and do a day's work, or be rid of her - but he hasn't, and if he's willing to put up with being drained to the last drop by this woman then that is his decision. And the OP shouldn't interfere either, I would doubt he is unaware of what his leech of a partner is doing to him; and if he is, then he is not going to listen to the OP anyway.

Jenneke87 · 25-01-2018 11:14PM

Hey OP,
Your concern is understandable but I don't think that there is much you can do. It's never nice to see good people being taken for a ride and I think he certainly is but it's not your relationship and from a practical point of view there's little you can do. You could report your " friend" for fraud if she's receiving benefits that she shouldn't be getting but that's about it. I think it would be better to keep your distance for her, she sounds like bad news.

Ursus Horribilis · 26-01-2018 01:46AM

Another thing to bear in mind here is that this couple have two kids together. Perhaps the partner wants to leave the relationship but has chosen to stay so that he can continue to raise his kids. Or he can't afford to leave. Also, because they never married, she could make it very difficult for him to see his kids. As Treoir's website states on its home page "Many fathers who are not married to the mother of their child assume they have joint guardianship rights if their names are on their child’s birth certificate. Not so.."

Sleepy · 26-01-2018 04:05PM

As Ursus Horribilis says, he's probably staying with her for the sake of his kids and tbh, I'm not so sure I'd do any differently in his situation (though I'd never have agreed to the joint account). Given the unlikelihood of an employed single father getting custody over an unemployable single mother, he's probably afraid of what would happen in his absence. Who would she entice in to cover the bills in his place? Is that someone he could trust around his kids etc.

It's a car-crash but unless you're good friends with the man in this relationship, I'd stay out of it and either cut contact or call her out on her bull**** and let her cut contact with you.

beertons · 26-01-2018 07:36PM

Report her for the line parent thing for a start.

suicide_circus · 28-01-2018 11:25PM

beertons wrote: »

Report her for the line parent thing for a start.

Sure your man would end up paying her fines!

LegacyUser · 29-01-2018 03:49PM

OP you admit you are not actually that close to this woman yet you seem to know a lot of very exact details about her comings and goings as far as money goes and her relationship with her partner. It may well be that she is a parasite but we've only your tainted view of the situation. If you are not close to her and I assume as you've not mentioned it you are not close to her partner what exactly do you plan to do? If she is as you state she's not likely to listen to anything you say. Do you plan to speak to the partner?? Other than reporting her for fraud for the single family allowance there's really not really much else to do. If you are so worked up for him then speak to his family and see if they see the same situation you do but honestly sounds like you've never really liked this woman and I'm confused why you know so much about her life at all.

homerjay2005 · 31-01-2018 05:41PM

sugarman wrote: »

G'way out of that, victim blaming at its finest. A good friend of mine in a very similar situation eventually did leave his wife for similar and she got the house, the car, custody of the kids and a nice weekly maintenance sum. Nobody wanted to know about the abuse and torment he had to put up with for the previous 10 years.

and unfortuntely theres 1000s of men like this all over the country but not many people care when its the man being abused by the woman.

yerwanthere123 · 01-02-2018 09:53PM

dartboardio wrote: »

These kinda threads are ridiculous, you're a fantastic person don't worry. Why don't you go talk to your 'friend' about it if you're so worried. You are obviously no real friend

Did you even read the OP's post? :rolleyes:

professore · 06-02-2018 12:19AM

wiggle16 wrote: »

Victim blaming? Oh please... so are you saying it's not his fault that he lets himself be treated this way? If so, whose fault is it? The reason she is getting away with this is because he lets her, for whatever reason.

Of course, he should stop the cashflow, put his foot down and tell her to go out and do a day's work, or be rid of her - but he hasn't, and if he's willing to put up with being drained to the last drop by this woman then that is his decision. And the OP shouldn't interfere either, I would doubt he is unaware of what his leech of a partner is doing to him; and if he is, then he is not going to listen to the OP anyway.

If it was him treating her that way, would you give the same advice? Lots of men stay in abusive relationships like this out of a misplaced sense of duty. They just can't believe a woman would treat them badly. That and the fact there is zero sympathy or resources for them - all they get is "it must be something they are doing."

Don't get me wrong, lots of women in the same boat.

I don't like how my friend treats her partner

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