Secret Instagram account..should I run a mile??

runningbuddy · 24-01-2018 04:58PM #1

Met a guy recently, we both in our forties, he's divorced...I'm separated.

We hit it off straight away. Both decided to take it slow. I am not long finished with someone.

I'm not big into social media at all. My teenagers are big into Instagram and him and I were discussing it. He said Instagram is for kids and narcissists :rolleyes:. He said he wouldn't consider joining Instagram.

However, this weekend, I discovered that he indeed does have a very active Instagram account and it is private!!!!

My daughter was showing me her pics / posts and I decided to have a bit of a stalking session. She showed me some girl, in her early thirties who posts pics of herself in various poses, swimwear, etc....one of her followers is my new guy!! And he comments on every single pic she posts.

I was taken aback to be honest. His account is very active.

My gut is telling me to run a mile !!

baby and crumble · 24-01-2018 05:03PM

runningbuddy wrote: »

My gut is telling me to run a mile !!

I think your gut may be right. Whatever about having instagram and liking pics etc, no big deal, but lying about it in such a vehement way is a bit crappy.

Pelvis · 24-01-2018 05:22PM

runningbuddy wrote: »

I haven't actually seen him yet, we just messaging, etc.

???

This man isn't your "new guy". A bit of perspective is needed here I think.

Ursus Horribilis · 24-01-2018 05:36PM

Pelvis wrote: »

???

This man isn't your "new guy". A bit of perspective is needed here I think.

This ^^

And seeing as you've only just finished that mostly online relationship with that guy in Canada, are you sure you're not desperate to fill that vacancy all too quickly?

Ghekko · 24-01-2018 05:38PM

Probably best you haven't met. If he can blatantly lie already he's not likely to change if you do form a relationship. For him to go as far as saying that Instagram is for kids and narcissists was possibly to put you off so you wouldn't see his account. Why would he hide it otherwise? I'd say move on from him.

runningbuddy · 24-01-2018 06:38PM

Sorry, I meant haven't seen him since I discovered he has an Instagram account !! To bring it up with him, I meant

Don't want to bring it up while texting.

wiggle16 · 25-01-2018 01:02AM

I have to say, you should just dump him.

Lying about something so trivial as having an instagram account, this early on after meeting someone, is very strange, OP.

Normally I'd be inclined to give the benefit of the doubt and say that if you were talking negatively about instagram he may have said he didn't like it just to agree with you. But the fact that he has a very active account, and yet said he wouldn't even consider joining it, doesn't make sense, the contradiction is just too strong.

It could indicate that there is a reason he doesn't want you to see it, or something he doesn't want you to see - and personally if that's the case I wouldn't be too pushed to see it either if I were you, this early on. Or, there could be nothing to see, and he told the lie for no reason, which is also... just weird, to be honest.

So yeah, I'd say do a runner. It's too early on for behaviour like that.

Bambi985 · 25-01-2018 01:41AM

Something a bit pathetic and embarrassing about a 40-something divorcee stalking the instagram profiles of semi-clad women and leaving comments all over the gaff. That alone would turn me right off, the lying about it and pretending he's above all of this 'instagram nonsense' is just another factor that makes him weird and totally unsavoury as a potential partner IMO.

Plus the obvious glaring issue of you not having even met him yet. You might have fcuk all chemistry or attraction to each other for all you know at this stage, as is very often (probably most often) the case with online dating.

runningbuddy · 25-01-2018 09:40AM

Bambi985 wrote: »

Something a bit pathetic and embarrassing about a 40-something divorcee stalking the instagram profiles of semi-clad women and leaving comments all over the gaff. That alone would turn me right off, the lying about it and pretending he's above all of this 'instagram nonsense' is just another factor that makes him weird and totally unsavoury as a potential partner IMO.

Plus the obvious glaring issue of you not having even met him yet. You might have fcuk all chemistry or attraction to each other for all you know at this stage, as is very often (probably most often) the case with online dating.

I have met him Bambi. I phrased my post arseways!! I meant to say, I haven't seen him since I discovered his Instagram account. Just texting/calls.

Feel a bit "ugh" about the whole thing.

osarusan · 25-01-2018 10:19AM

The gentleman doth protest too much, methinks.

Sounds like he wanted to avoid the chance of you looking for his profile and seeing how he uses instgram.

At this early stage, and 'taking it slow', I wonder how he views your relationship, but whatever that is, him lying about it isn't promising.

runningbuddy · 25-01-2018 10:23AM

Thanks Osarusan. Really don't get the lie. My gut is telling me he hasn't a secret wife/gf. This particular girl he likes/follows is married with kids, however he seems to "fawn" over every photo and post, which seems a bit pathetic :rolleyes:.

Whatever the reason, he certainly did not want me to know about his account.

GingerLily · 25-01-2018 10:26AM

runningbuddy wrote: »

Thanks Osarusan. Really don't get the lie. My gut is telling me he hasn't a secret wife/gf. This particular girl he likes/follows is married with kids, however he seems to "fawn" over every photo and post, which seems a bit pathetic :rolleyes:.

Whatever the reason, he certainly did not want me to know about his account.

It sounds a little pathetic to me also!

seenitall · 25-01-2018 03:42PM

To answer your question, OP, yes, you should run. To lie, and so vehemently, about something so minor in the great scheme of things, at the start of dating someone, is a biiiiiig red flag. And my experience has taught me to be very jittery of big red flags once my heart is on the line.

Come on, OP, surely you know you can do much better than this. Please don't fall into the trap of overlooking strange behaviours because it's exciting to have a new man in your life. It will become a whole lot more exciting once he carries on lying to you at a drop of a hat, and carrying on like a horny teenager on Instagram.

You got an inkling of what's in store with this guy, now you have a choice to say "thanks but no thanks". Or not.

runningbuddy · 25-01-2018 04:13PM

seenitall wrote: »

To answer your question, OP, yes, you should run. To lie, and so vehemently, about something so minor in the great scheme of things, at the start of dating someone, is a biiiiiig red flag. And my experience has taught me to be very jittery of big red flags once my heart is on the line.

Come on, OP, surely you know you can do much better than this. Please don't fall into the trap of overlooking strange behaviours because it's exciting to have a new man in your life. It will become a whole lot more exciting once he carries on lying to you at a drop of a hat, and carrying on like a horny teenager on Instagram.

You got an inkling of what's in store with this guy, now you have a choice to say "thanks but no thanks". Or not.

Thanks Seenitall. Yep, think I'm going to run. Seeing him later. Am too old for this sh*te to be honest.

Fawning over this 30 year old woman is bugging me too. It's a bit off.

Ursus Horribilis · 25-01-2018 07:01PM

I think you should run. I consider lying to be a deal breaker, regardless of whether it's friends, acquaintances or romantic partners. I'm not talking about white lies here but barefaced lies.

Regardless of this man's behaviour on Instagram, the way he came out with that fib should be taken as a warning sign. If he's prepared to lie about something as stupid as an Instagram account, what else might he be hiding? What else is he lying about now and what might he lie about in the future?

It's mere weeks since you finally broke up with that guy based over in Canada. You posted here about how cut up you were and how lonely you felt. Do you not think you've moved on from the hurt it that breakup very very quickly? You're already referring to this bloke as your new guy when you can't have had that much time to get to know him yet. Be careful is all I'm saying. Don't launch yourself into a new relationship with someone for all the wrong reasons.

tara73 · 25-01-2018 07:03PM

can you be 100% sure it's him? is there a profile picture of him?

runningbuddy · 25-01-2018 07:14PM

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I think you should run. I consider lying to be a deal breaker, regardless of whether it's friends, acquaintances or romantic partners. I'm not talking about white lies here but barefaced lies.

Regardless of this man's behaviour on Instagram, the way he came out with that fib should be taken as a warning sign. If he's prepared to lie about something as stupid as an Instagram account, what else might he be hiding? What else is he lying about now and what might he lie about in the future?

It's mere weeks since you finally broke up with that guy based over in Canada. You posted here about how cut up you were and how lonely you felt. Do you not think you've moved on from the hurt it that breakup very very quickly? You're already referring to this bloke as your new guy when you can't have had that much time to get to know him yet. Be careful is all I'm saying. Don't launch yourself into a new relationship with someone for all the wrong reasons.

Thanks Ursus. I was upfront with him. Told him I was still reeling a bit after a relationship broke down. I suppose new guy is an over exaggeration lol...just don't know what else to call him :pac:

We have spent a lot of time together and it's been good. But this has thrown a spanner in the works. I'm uncomfortable with the lie but also his constant commenting on this other woman. Maybe that's daft (probably my insecurity).

runningbuddy · 25-01-2018 07:14PM

tara73 wrote: »

can you be 100% sure it's him? is there a profile picture of him?

Tara, yes it is him.

Scraggs · 25-01-2018 07:39PM

runningbuddy wrote: »

I'm uncomfortable with the lie but also his constant commenting on this other woman. Maybe that's daft (probably my insecurity).

It's not daft, it's weird creepy behaviour and you should be running a mile. Be glad you spotted this side to him early on!

runningbuddy · 25-01-2018 08:41PM

Thanks all. Jesus, glad social media didn't exist in my 20s lol !

It's a bloody minefield !!! Okay, is it the fact that the woman is younger than him or just that he's liking / commenting on a woman's page??

Ursus Horribilis · 25-01-2018 08:59PM

If it was me, I'd be bothered by the commenting. There's nothing strange or unusual about men admiring young ladies, even if there's an age gap. The difference is, they'll either keep their thoughts to themselves or chat about it to their mates. Going onto social media is a different ball game altogether. It would put me off but everyone's different.

runningbuddy · 25-01-2018 09:06PM

Him and I on Facebook. I probably log on twice a week. I do comment on male friends but nothing inappropriate (I hope not it's not construed that way!!). Now, he's not being sleazy with his comments, just something doesn't sit right with me.

She's not a random stranger, looks like they worked together at some stage. Something is off....

yermandan · 25-01-2018 09:07PM

Ask him about it

runningbuddy · 25-01-2018 09:07PM

Not sleazy but borderline too familiar, if you know what I mean ??!!

Sephiroth_dude · 25-01-2018 09:21PM

I'd be running personally, Did you meet up with him tonight?

runningbuddy · 25-01-2018 10:34PM

Hi Seph, I cried did this evening. Meeting him lunchtime tomorrow. Just hadn't the head for it. He knows I'm off with him

I'm pretty much done to be honest.

Just don't know how to bring it up tomorrow but I will.

My gut is telling me to to run !!

osarusan · 25-01-2018 11:09PM

If you are going to talk to him about it, get straight what you want to say.

I don't think that saying something like 'there's something off with your comments' is going to be that useful, unless you're able to explain it in a a bi more detail.

You already mentioned that you haven't been together long and are taking it slow, so I'm not sure how he'd react to you saying you don't like how he behaves on instagram. He might think it's none of your business.

If it was me, the fact that he lied to you about having an account, possibly to keep his behaviour a secret from you, would be the main issue.

Mainly, I think you need to work out what your real problem with this actually is, before talking to him about it.

RhubarbCrumble · 25-01-2018 11:21PM

Listen to your gut OP. It's only very early stages and he's already lying to you. You'll never be able to trust him properly.

runningbuddy · 26-01-2018 09:54AM

Thanks again all.

Did a bit more stalking!! Any photos of yer wan with her hubby, he doesn't like/comment :rolleyes:. Just the ones of her alone.

I won't bring her up later. It is early days and I'm sure there is nothing going between her and him and at this stage, it is none of my business.

I will bring up the fact that I am uncomfortable with him lying about not having an account.

I see him in a much shadier light than before so I am done anyway.

georgina toadbum · 26-01-2018 09:56AM

Why are you bothering to stalk him? It's clear as day he's been lying to you so why would you want to engage in any sort of relationship with him?

Ursus Horribilis · 26-01-2018 10:06AM

Why bother even bringing up that fake Instagram account if you're supposedly done with him? I get the impression you're trying to talk yourself into staying in this fledgling relationship. It all depends what you're standards are, I suppose. Me, I cannot abide liars but if you're OK with it, that's the chance you take.

Bear in mind that if you bring up this fake account and you continue with the relationship, there's no guarantee he won't continue to perv online. He just wasn't very smart this time round and was easily found. A cleverer ID next time and you won't be able to stalk him.

Secret Instagram account..should I run a mile??

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