Secret Instagram account..should I run a mile??

runningbuddy

Met a guy recently, we both in our forties, he's divorced...I'm separated.

We hit it off straight away. Both decided to take it slow. I am not long finished with someone.

I'm not big into social media at all. My teenagers are big into Instagram and him and I were discussing it. He said Instagram is for kids and narcissists :rolleyes:. He said he wouldn't consider joining Instagram.

However, this weekend, I discovered that he indeed does have a very active Instagram account and it is private!!!!

My daughter was showing me her pics / posts and I decided to have a bit of a stalking session. She showed me some girl, in her early thirties who posts pics of herself in various poses, swimwear, etc....one of her followers is my new guy!! And he comments on every single pic she posts.

I was taken aback to be honest. His account is very active.



My gut is telling me to run a mile !!

baby and crumble

runningbuddy wrote: »

My gut is telling me to run a mile !!

I think your gut may be right. Whatever about having instagram and liking pics etc, no big deal, but lying about it in such a vehement way is a bit crappy.

Pelvis

runningbuddy wrote: »

I haven't actually seen him yet, we just messaging, etc.

???

This man isn't your "new guy". A bit of perspective is needed here I think.

Ursus Horribilis

Pelvis wrote: »

???

This man isn't your "new guy". A bit of perspective is needed here I think.

This ^^

And seeing as you've only just finished that mostly online relationship with that guy in Canada, are you sure you're not desperate to fill that vacancy all too quickly?

Ghekko

Probably best you haven't met. If he can blatantly lie already he's not likely to change if you do form a relationship. For him to go as far as saying that Instagram is for kids and narcissists was possibly to put you off so you wouldn't see his account. Why would he hide it otherwise? I'd say move on from him.

runningbuddy

Sorry, I meant haven't seen him since I discovered he has an Instagram account !! To bring it up with him, I meant

Don't want to bring it up while texting.

wiggle16

I have to say, you should just dump him.

Lying about something so trivial as having an instagram account, this early on after meeting someone, is very strange, OP.

Normally I'd be inclined to give the benefit of the doubt and say that if you were talking negatively about instagram he may have said he didn't like it just to agree with you. But the fact that he has a very active account, and yet said he wouldn't even consider joining it, doesn't make sense, the contradiction is just too strong.

It could indicate that there is a reason he doesn't want you to see it, or something he doesn't want you to see - and personally if that's the case I wouldn't be too pushed to see it either if I were you, this early on. Or, there could be nothing to see, and he told the lie for no reason, which is also... just weird, to be honest.

So yeah, I'd say do a runner. It's too early on for behaviour like that.

Bambi985

Something a bit pathetic and embarrassing about a 40-something divorcee stalking the instagram profiles of semi-clad women and leaving comments all over the gaff. That alone would turn me right off, the lying about it and pretending he's above all of this 'instagram nonsense' is just another factor that makes him weird and totally unsavoury as a potential partner IMO.

Plus the obvious glaring issue of you not having even met him yet. You might have fcuk all chemistry or attraction to each other for all you know at this stage, as is very often (probably most often) the case with online dating.

runningbuddy

Bambi985 wrote: »

Something a bit pathetic and embarrassing about a 40-something divorcee stalking the instagram profiles of semi-clad women and leaving comments all over the gaff. That alone would turn me right off, the lying about it and pretending he's above all of this 'instagram nonsense' is just another factor that makes him weird and totally unsavoury as a potential partner IMO.

Plus the obvious glaring issue of you not having even met him yet. You might have fcuk all chemistry or attraction to each other for all you know at this stage, as is very often (probably most often) the case with online dating.

I have met him Bambi. I phrased my post arseways!! I meant to say, I haven't seen him since I discovered his Instagram account. Just texting/calls.

Feel a bit "ugh" about the whole thing.

osarusan

The gentleman doth protest too much, methinks.

Sounds like he wanted to avoid the chance of you looking for his profile and seeing how he uses instgram.

At this early stage, and 'taking it slow', I wonder how he views your relationship, but whatever that is, him lying about it isn't promising.

runningbuddy

Thanks Osarusan. Really don't get the lie. My gut is telling me he hasn't a secret wife/gf. This particular girl he likes/follows is married with kids, however he seems to "fawn" over every photo and post, which seems a bit pathetic :rolleyes:.

Whatever the reason, he certainly did not want me to know about his account.

GingerLily

runningbuddy wrote: »

Thanks Osarusan. Really don't get the lie. My gut is telling me he hasn't a secret wife/gf. This particular girl he likes/follows is married with kids, however he seems to "fawn" over every photo and post, which seems a bit pathetic :rolleyes:.

Whatever the reason, he certainly did not want me to know about his account.

It sounds a little pathetic to me also!

seenitall

To answer your question, OP, yes, you should run. To lie, and so vehemently, about something so minor in the great scheme of things, at the start of dating someone, is a biiiiiig red flag. And my experience has taught me to be very jittery of big red flags once my heart is on the line.

Come on, OP, surely you know you can do much better than this. Please don't fall into the trap of overlooking strange behaviours because it's exciting to have a new man in your life. It will become a whole lot more exciting once he carries on lying to you at a drop of a hat, and carrying on like a horny teenager on Instagram.

You got an inkling of what's in store with this guy, now you have a choice to say "thanks but no thanks". Or not.

runningbuddy

seenitall wrote: »

To answer your question, OP, yes, you should run. To lie, and so vehemently, about something so minor in the great scheme of things, at the start of dating someone, is a biiiiiig red flag. And my experience has taught me to be very jittery of big red flags once my heart is on the line.

Come on, OP, surely you know you can do much better than this. Please don't fall into the trap of overlooking strange behaviours because it's exciting to have a new man in your life. It will become a whole lot more exciting once he carries on lying to you at a drop of a hat, and carrying on like a horny teenager on Instagram.

You got an inkling of what's in store with this guy, now you have a choice to say "thanks but no thanks". Or not.

Thanks Seenitall. Yep, think I'm going to run. Seeing him later. Am too old for this sh*te to be honest.

Fawning over this 30 year old woman is bugging me too. It's a bit off.

Ursus Horribilis

I think you should run. I consider lying to be a deal breaker, regardless of whether it's friends, acquaintances or romantic partners. I'm not talking about white lies here but barefaced lies.

Regardless of this man's behaviour on Instagram, the way he came out with that fib should be taken as a warning sign. If he's prepared to lie about something as stupid as an Instagram account, what else might he be hiding? What else is he lying about now and what might he lie about in the future?

It's mere weeks since you finally broke up with that guy based over in Canada. You posted here about how cut up you were and how lonely you felt. Do you not think you've moved on from the hurt it that breakup very very quickly? You're already referring to this bloke as your new guy when you can't have had that much time to get to know him yet. Be careful is all I'm saying. Don't launch yourself into a new relationship with someone for all the wrong reasons.

tara73

can you be 100% sure it's him? is there a profile picture of him?

runningbuddy

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I think you should run. I consider lying to be a deal breaker, regardless of whether it's friends, acquaintances or romantic partners. I'm not talking about white lies here but barefaced lies.

Regardless of this man's behaviour on Instagram, the way he came out with that fib should be taken as a warning sign. If he's prepared to lie about something as stupid as an Instagram account, what else might he be hiding? What else is he lying about now and what might he lie about in the future?

It's mere weeks since you finally broke up with that guy based over in Canada. You posted here about how cut up you were and how lonely you felt. Do you not think you've moved on from the hurt it that breakup very very quickly? You're already referring to this bloke as your new guy when you can't have had that much time to get to know him yet. Be careful is all I'm saying. Don't launch yourself into a new relationship with someone for all the wrong reasons.

Thanks Ursus. I was upfront with him. Told him I was still reeling a bit after a relationship broke down. I suppose new guy is an over exaggeration lol...just don't know what else to call him :pac:

We have spent a lot of time together and it's been good. But this has thrown a spanner in the works. I'm uncomfortable with the lie but also his constant commenting on this other woman. Maybe that's daft (probably my insecurity).

runningbuddy

tara73 wrote: »

can you be 100% sure it's him? is there a profile picture of him?

Tara, yes it is him.

Scraggs

runningbuddy wrote: »

I'm uncomfortable with the lie but also his constant commenting on this other woman. Maybe that's daft (probably my insecurity).

It's not daft, it's weird creepy behaviour and you should be running a mile. Be glad you spotted this side to him early on!

runningbuddy

Thanks all. Jesus, glad social media didn't exist in my 20s lol !

It's a bloody minefield !!! Okay, is it the fact that the woman is younger than him or just that he's liking / commenting on a woman's page??

Ursus Horribilis

If it was me, I'd be bothered by the commenting. There's nothing strange or unusual about men admiring young ladies, even if there's an age gap. The difference is, they'll either keep their thoughts to themselves or chat about it to their mates. Going onto social media is a different ball game altogether. It would put me off but everyone's different.

runningbuddy

Him and I on Facebook. I probably log on twice a week. I do comment on male friends but nothing inappropriate (I hope not it's not construed that way!!). Now, he's not being sleazy with his comments, just something doesn't sit right with me.

She's not a random stranger, looks like they worked together at some stage. Something is off....

yermandan

Ask him about it

runningbuddy

Not sleazy but borderline too familiar, if you know what I mean ??!!

Sephiroth_dude

I'd be running personally, Did you meet up with him tonight?

runningbuddy

Hi Seph, I cried did this evening. Meeting him lunchtime tomorrow. Just hadn't the head for it. He knows I'm off with him I'm pretty much done to be honest.

Just don't know how to bring it up tomorrow but I will.

My gut is telling me to to run !!

osarusan

If you are going to talk to him about it, get straight what you want to say.

I don't think that saying something like 'there's something off with your comments' is going to be that useful, unless you're able to explain it in a a bi more detail.

You already mentioned that you haven't been together long and are taking it slow, so I'm not sure how he'd react to you saying you don't like how he behaves on instagram. He might think it's none of your business.

If it was me, the fact that he lied to you about having an account, possibly to keep his behaviour a secret from you, would be the main issue.

Mainly, I think you need to work out what your real problem with this actually is, before talking to him about it.

RhubarbCrumble

Listen to your gut OP. It's only very early stages and he's already lying to you. You'll never be able to trust him properly.

runningbuddy

Thanks again all.

Did a bit more stalking!! Any photos of yer wan with her hubby, he doesn't like/comment :rolleyes:. Just the ones of her alone.

I won't bring her up later. It is early days and I'm sure there is nothing going between her and him and at this stage, it is none of my business.

I will bring up the fact that I am uncomfortable with him lying about not having an account.

I see him in a much shadier light than before so I am done anyway.

georgina toadbum

Why are you bothering to stalk him? It's clear as day he's been lying to you so why would you want to engage in any sort of relationship with him?

Ursus Horribilis

Why bother even bringing up that fake Instagram account if you're supposedly done with him? I get the impression you're trying to talk yourself into staying in this fledgling relationship. It all depends what you're standards are, I suppose. Me, I cannot abide liars but if you're OK with it, that's the chance you take.

Bear in mind that if you bring up this fake account and you continue with the relationship, there's no guarantee he won't continue to perv online. He just wasn't very smart this time round and was easily found. A cleverer ID next time and you won't be able to stalk him.

runningbuddy

Hi ursus, no, I'm def finished. I too hate liars. I was totally honest with him from the beginning. He seems very keen on a relationship and knows there is something off. I will be honest with him, rather than him wondering why I finished.

I just don't get it. I can understand maybe embellishing certain things when you meet someone but that was a blatant lie.

runningbuddy

georgina toadbum wrote: »

Why are you bothering to stalk him? It's clear as day he's been lying to you so why would you want to engage in any sort of relationship with him?

Curiosity more than anything :pac:

georgina toadbum

I think you should just say you're not feeling it and leave it at that. This really isn't a relationship, you've never met him, you don't owe him an explanation. By telling him about this you're just opening the doors for him to give you an explanation. And I'd almost bet my life on it that you will believe any excuse he gives you.

runningbuddy

georgina toadbum wrote: »

I think you should just say you're not feeling it and leave it at that. This really isn't a relationship, you've never met him, you don't owe him an explanation. By telling him about this you're just opening the doors for him to give you an explanation. And I'd almost bet my life on it that you will believe any excuse he gives you.

I have met him Georg, my original post was a bit ambiguous !!

It is early stages but he is keen on taking things further. I have been dumped in the past, left high and dry and it's not nice. I would rather give him an explanation. It is just bizarre, he is 45, not 15 FFS.

njs030

Someone you hardly know said he didn't have an Instagram account and it turns out he does? So what! Since when are we entitled to know everything about everyone we've just met - online dating has created this false intimacy.

He's entitled to some privacy from you op and considering you hardly know him you have absolutely no right to go snooping through his life.

If you want to end it do but remember people are as entitled to their privacy as you are to yours, perhaps he was planning on deleting all those likes and then adding you or maybe he would have deleted his account so it would have been true. If you go looking for trouble you'll find it.

runningbuddy

notjustsweet wrote: »

Someone you hardly know said he didn't have an Instagram account and it turns out he does? So what! Since when are we entitled to know everything about everyone we've just met - online dating has created this false intimacy.

He's entitled to some privacy from you op and considering you hardly know him you have absolutely no right to go snooping through his life.

If you want to end it do but remember people are as entitled to their privacy as you are to yours, perhaps he was planning on deleting all those likes and then adding you or maybe he would have deleted his account so it would have been true. If you go looking for trouble you'll find it.

It isn't someone I hardly know. We have been dating for a while. We have slept together, been intimate. He has told me he would like things to progress.

We had a random conversation about Instagram, social media, etc. He was adamant he loathes Instagram yet he has a very active account. It was a blatant lie.

Mokuba

Is there anything more cringeworthy or pathetic than thirsty lads liking and commenting on Instagram girls selfies.

I am genuinely shocked that somebody could get to that age and still be doing it (I can't believe anyone would do it in the first place, mind). And better yet, lie about having an account. And better yet, pretend you are above it.

Stop "stalking" him and move on. There are plenty of other guys.

runningbuddy

See, this is all new to me. I am not completely in the dark ages. I use FB occasionally, pretty savvy but I genuinely thought Instagram for teens, maybe because I have two teens who constantly post bull**** selfies . I would have considered 45 a little too "old" for Instagram but hey ......

Mokuba

runningbuddy wrote: »

See, this is all new to me. I am not completely in the dark ages. I use FB occasionally, pretty savvy but I genuinely thought Instagram for teens, maybe because I have two teens who constantly post bull**** selfies . I would have considered 45 a little too "old" for Instagram but hey ......

I'd personally try to keep a wide enough berth of people who live life with a mentality of "If I don't post it on social media how will anyone know I was there". Anyone who spends entire events taking regular snapchats instead of enjoying the event itself. And anyone who regularly posts up selfies for validation. Look at me I'm so beautiful. It's all so, so fake.

You would hope that someone in their 40's would have the maturity and the wherewithal to not partake in that culture. And he seems to know it himself, but still does anyway and lies about it.

It's odd, creepy, juvenile and you don't need to be getting involved with someone like that.

runningbuddy

Mokuba, it is def an addiction. I remember being laid up with flu and was on FB constantly....in the end it really got to me :mad: and thankfully just log on now and again.

Another thing I have noticed is, this guy spends an awful lot of time online, FB, etc.

woodchuck

I agree that this is definitely a red flag. I could understand very early on someone might nod along and agreeing with someone elses opinions due to nerves. However it sounds like this went beyond that. Particularly since he's using the account to comment on photos of younger women.

However your own behaviour leaves a bad taste in the mouth too. Why are you spending so much time stalking this guy?? I can understand when you initially found out about the account you might have gotten a bit carried away. But now you're also saying that he spends a lot of time online, FB etc. You're coming across as a bit intense, especially for someone who by all accounts just broke up with someone else weeks ago and for a very new relationship. By all means break it off with this guy, but I think you'd benefit from some time alone before jumping into another relationship so soon.

njs030

runningbuddy wrote: »

It isn't someone I hardly know. We have been dating for a while. We have slept together, been intimate. He has told me he would like things to progress.

We had a random conversation about Instagram, social media, etc. He was adamant he loathes Instagram yet he has a very active account. It was a blatant lie.

Oh sorry, your earlier posts don't give that impression. It's kinda hard to advise when your drip feeding information.

Well yeah then it is a bit weird tbh. How do you know how active he is if his account is private BTW?

georgina toadbum

notjustsweet wrote: »

Oh sorry, your earlier posts don't give that impression. It's kinda hard to advise when your drip feeding information.

Well yeah then it is a bit weird tbh. How do you know how active he is if his account is private BTW?

It looks like she's going into the person who he's liking pictures, and scrolling through the 'likes' to find him.

I don't really know how she would have seen that he liked the pictures in the first place.

blairbear

Tbh as soon as I match someone on tinder who looks promising, I look at their Instagram (it's linked through Tinder much of the time) or their fb if we have mutual friends.

With online dating, it's savvy to check them out online. There is often nobody to vouch for them. Even after a few dates, it's hard to know whether the person is a decent/safe human being or not.

Maybe some of the posters here think looking up someone that you're dating online is a step too far, but for me and my friends, we see it as sensible and a necessary step to keep ourselves safe and clued in. I've had one or two nasty encounters with men who seemed lovely beforehand. I would never go on a date now unless I had some idea of who the person was and what they are about.

That is part of dating as a woman in 2018, I feel.

runningbuddy

Yep, came across the girl he "likes" and see that he follows/likes her.

Anyway, just met up with him. Really didn't want to tell him I was no longer interested by txt/msg.

I just said I wasn't really feeling it anymore. He asked why. I just said I was a little uncomfortable as I happened to come across his Instagram account. He got a little defensive. He said he didn't mention it as he felt it wasn't a big deal. I said I had asked him and he vehemently denied having an account. I could tell he was uncomfortable. He said he was sorry but he only set it up to keep in touch with his sons (!) and he doesn't use it for much. This is bull**** as I can see, although his account is private, I can see he has 300 posts, which is a very active account. I didn't bring this up. I just said I was done.

He genuinely seemed upset but I don't trust him. I don't know if it is liking/commenting on the other woman's pics.....either way, I'm out!!

georgina toadbum

blairbear wrote: »

Tbh as soon as I match someone on tinder who looks promising, I look at their Instagram (it's linked through Tinder much of the time) or their fb if we have mutual friends.

With online dating, it's savvy to check them out online. There is often nobody to vouch for them. Even after a few dates, it's hard to know whether the person is a decent/safe human being or not.

Maybe some of the posters here think looking up someone that you're dating online is a step too far, but for me and my friends, we see it as sensible and a necessary step to keep ourselves safe and clued in. I've had one or two nasty encounters with men who seemed lovely beforehand. I would never go on a date now unless I had some idea of who the person was and what they are about.

That is part of dating as a woman in 2018, I feel.

I don't see a problem looking up peoples Instagram/Twitter/Facebook. I've done it myself. But if his account is private I'd leave it at that. I wouldn't go looking through the likes of other people's photos to see if he liked them.

Ghekko

runningbuddy wrote: »

Yep, came across the girl he "likes" and see that he follows/likes her.

Anyway, just met up with him. Really didn't want to tell him I was no longer interested by txt/msg.

I just said I wasn't really feeling it anymore. He asked why. I just said I was a little uncomfortable as I happened to come across his Instagram account. He got a little defensive. He said he didn't mention it as he felt it wasn't a big deal. I said I had asked him and he vehemently denied having an account. I could tell he was uncomfortable. He said he was sorry but he only set it up to keep in touch with his sons (!) and he doesn't use it for much. This is bull**** as I can see, although his account is private, I can see he has 300 posts, which is a very active account. I didn't bring this up. I just said I was done.

He genuinely seemed upset but I don't trust him. I don't know if it is liking/commenting on the other woman's pics.....either way, I'm out!!

So he was still lying to you - best leave him in the past now, block him so he doesn't try to manipulate you with more lies.

njs030

blairbear wrote: »

Tbh as soon as I match someone on tinder who looks promising, I look at their Instagram (it's linked through Tinder much of the time) or their fb if we have mutual friends.

With online dating, it's savvy to check them out online. There is often nobody to vouch for them. Even after a few dates, it's hard to know whether the person is a decent/safe human being or not.

Maybe some of the posters here think looking up someone that you're dating online is a step too far, but for me and my friends, we see it as sensible and a necessary step to keep ourselves safe and clued in. I've had one or two nasty encounters with men who seemed lovely beforehand. I would never go on a date now unless I had some idea of who the person was and what they are about.

That is part of dating as a woman in 2018, I feel.

That's understandable but you'd have to do an awful lot of snooping to find who he was following and how many times he had liked their photos. It goes beyond checking they are who they say they are who they are to actively breaching their privacy and that of other people in their lives. It's really creepy imo.

Having 300 posts doesn't make it an active account at all. It could have been a previously active account that he had no interest in any more.

Ursus Horribilis

300 sounds active to me. We also don't know when he was liking these photos but it could be an ongoing thing. If that's what he wants to do on Instagram, why lie so vehemently? And when confronted with the truth today he continued to lie.

runningbuddy

Notsosweet, this girl, my daughter also follows. They have a mutual interest. My daughter just showed me her pic and I saw the guy comment. Small world, I know. Fair enough, I did have a look at her page...it's public and I saw his comments, etc.