Father doesn't bother with baby

MayoSalmon wrote: »

Why is obligated to do this? Maybe he never wanted the child in the first place?!

Are you seriously asking why should a father be obligated to support the child he created? This has to be a wind up!

OP - my advice is to formalise your situation in court as soon as possible. You've a long, hard , expensive road ahead of you - the quicker you get the details rubber stamped the better. It protects you from any surprises in the future also, it's in everyone's interest to get your relationship and responsibilities to each other formally agreed and then you can move on with your lives with a degree of certainty.

Speaking as a father, I personally regret not having done it sooner myself when a previous relationship went belly up. No being at anyones behest or trying to keep them on your good side or anything like that. It says here in black and white, backed up by the court of the land, that I must do this, and you must do that, no more, no less, no argument - end of story!

I grew up without my biological father and dated a couple of women who have kids with absent fathers. OP if you feel like you don’t want/need maintenance, it may not be the worst thing, you’ll spare yourself a lot of drama. My Mam took the attitude that if she didn’t take money then she had a 100% say in all decisions regarding me and was happy with that. Also, in relationships, mothers chasing up unwilling fathers caused a lot of drama and in one case sunk one completely. So the kid can miss out on someone who does want to be a part of their life because of someone who doesn’t.

He is obligated to pay maintenance, though, whether he wants access or not, so you don’t need to struggle unnecessarily. If you’re finding it tough, bring him straight to court and get something sorted, you’ll win easily there. As far as access though? He’s telling you he wants no part of it, accepting and dealing with that will actually make your life a lot easier rather than going into denial or trying to force him to love a child he doesn’t. Your child won’t even notice until he gets to primary school, and even then once he notices other kids have present fathers it’s just something you have a few years to create a stock answer for, because he’ll grow up with this situation being normal to him.

neonsofa wrote: »

but if it's not needed and it's going to add to your stress levels and it's going to be an endless frustrating battle of going back to court regularly for the sake of something like 15euro from his weekly dole for example, then I do think it's wise to just choose your battles.

Or 14k for the child when they start college?

I've also been on the receiving end of this, now in my case it was needed, and if i had had a nest egg like that when i started college life would have been a lot easier. Now i could have squandered it all in the first week of first year but my tuition and rent could have been paid for, out of a measly 15 euro a week of dole money.

You might not need it now but what happens when you have more children, if you do? What happens when this child gets older and just costs more? What happens when it comes time to college and the child cant get a grant if you earn to much or fees have come back in? No you might not need it now and you may never need it, but it might make things easier in the future.

As for being consumed by it, that's a personal thing. It will only consume you if you allow it to.

Guffy wrote: »

Or 14k for the child when they start college?

I've also been on the receiving end of this, now in my case it was needed, and if i had had a nest egg like that when i started college life would have been a lot easier. Now i could have squandered it all in the first week of first year but my tuition and rent could have been paid for, out of a measly 15 euro a week of dole money.

You might not need it now but what happens when you have more children, if you do? What happens when this child gets older and just costs more? What happens when it comes time to college and the child cant get a grant if you earn to much or fees have come back in? No you might not need it now and you may never need it, but it might make things easier in the future.

As for being consumed by it, that's a personal thing. It will only consume you if you allow it to.

14k if you get it always. If you don't then it's back to court for non compliance and pursuing arrears and direct from source. Then depending on circumstances,in my own case that would mean abusive texts about bringing him to court again. Him signing off and just working cash in hand again to avoid paying. Passive aggressive comments to the child about a gold digger mother etc.etc. It's all based on the individual to assess if it's worth it. People say things as if it's an ideal world but sometimes it actually isn't worth it despite how nice it would be or simple it seems in theory. Your lack of nest egg is not necessarily due to a lack of maintenance. As I said if The maintenance is needed then it's a necessary evil, but I don't need it. Lack of maintenance does not equate to lack of savings. The 15 a week can be saved regardless of where it comes from. Obviously it is easier financially if it comes from an external source but that's why I said if its not needed financially then it's up to the individual person on whether it's worth pursuing.

Re it being consuming, that's why I said if it's straight forward go for it and that it's up to the person to assess whether it's worth it. It is not always the person seeking maintenance that makes it a draining experience,and that includes for the child involved too.

Maybe lots will disagree, but I think it’s up to him to choose not to be involved. It was a casual arrangement ye had, not a relationship, and ye weren’t exclusive if the relationship was casual. So I presume it was a failure of contraception. I gather he’s said all along that he didn’t want the kid. It’s not the nicest thing to do, but so be it - he’s made his feelings well clear from the start by the sounds of things.

Maintenance is a different thing, but if you choose not to go after that, that’s your choice. I’d leave it alone OP. What is the point in you trying to force him to be involved - he clearly doesn’t want that.

qwerty13 wrote: »

Maybe lots will disagree, but I think it’s up to him to choose not to be involved. It was a casual arrangement ye had, not a relationship, and ye weren’t exclusive if the relationship was casual. So I presume it was a failure of contraception. I gather he’s said all along that he didn’t want the kid. It’s not the nicest thing to do, but so be it - he’s made his feelings well clear from the start by the sounds of things.

If you have sex, this is the risk you take. Don't do the crime if you can't do the time. If a baby comes along, someone has to look after it. He made that baby. It falls to him to stand up, be a man and not run away from his responsibilities.

leggo wrote: »

Yeah, see there’s going to court and getting a maintenance order, which is handy enough, then there’s enforcing it, which is ridiculously difficult.

Mothers have to weigh up cases individually. What are you going to get? Are you actually going to get it? Is it going to cause more hassle than it’s worth trying to get it? (Again, having a deadbeat ex in the picture can run off potential good partners who would be a much better influence on the child’s life) There’s no one easy solution.

A nest egg for college would be nice, sure, but you realise that most normal Irish kids with two functional parents don’t even have that? You were hardly denied a birthright there like...

As for the guilt that comes with “I want to give the child every chance so he doesn’t blame me for his father not being around when he’s older”: that’s a totally understandable thing to worry about, but having lived it I don’t think it’s a concern. I mean, yeah, when they’re a moody teen they might throw it in your face because they’re angry they can’t go out with their friends, but if they’re not throwing that in your face it’ll be something else. Truth is when you get to a certain age, you realise who was there and who wasn’t and appreciate those who were.

such a good post:)

qwerty13 wrote: »

qwerty13 wrote: »

Maybe lots will disagree, but I think it’s up to him to choose not to be involved. It was a casual arrangement ye had, not a relationship, and ye weren’t exclusive if the relationship was casual. So I presume it was a failure of contraception. I gather he’s said all along that he didn’t want the kid. It’s not the nicest thing to do, but so be it - he’s made his feelings well clear from the start by the sounds of things.

Maintenance is a different thing, but if you choose not to go after that, that’s your choice. I’d leave it alone OP. What is the point in you trying to force him to be involved - he clearly doesn’t want that.

I actually really believe that it is equally his right not to get involved, as it is for the mother to have an abortion. He doesnt want it, he’s made that clear. And the mother went ahead with it, but is trying to get him invoked. He never wanted to be involved, so I don’t understand why that’s a big surprise

You can't make him get involved. Right now it sounds like he's fairly set against the idea.

If you do want him to be involved in the future, all you can really do is keep him updated every now and then on how the child is doing. In the future he might feel differently about it. I might have missed this earlier in the thread, but do his family know about it, and if so, how do they feel about his non-involvement?

Regarding financial support, if you go looking for it, he will be obliged to pay it if he can afford it, but it doesn't seem like you want to go down that road for whatever reason, and that decision is yours to make.