Father doesn't bother with baby

linpoo

Hi,

I'm just wondering if anyone would know from experience, if a father doesn't bother with his child from when he is born do they generally never bother with them for the rest of their life or is there a chance he will come round and be in the babies life?

I tried to include him from when I was pregnant and he just isn't bothered. Has met him 3 times for an hour in the almost 5 months since he was born. I asked him did be want to see him at Christmas and he wasn't bothered, no Christmas present or anything. He's also never bought the baby anything and doesn't give me any money.

He never texts to ask how the baby is.

So has anyone experience with this situation and do they ever change and want to be involved?

By the way I know him years and it was a casual relationship.
Thanks

Guffy

Is there an underlying addiction problem?

how did relationship end? Does he "blame" you for something that's making his chces easier?

With regards him not paying maintanence, go through courts and do it immediately.

Are you waiting for a magic switch to be turned on for him to show more interest? It is unlikely

GingerLily

I'm so sorry to hear - he sounds like a dead beat dad, they exist

I don't know if I'd hold out hope that he'll be there for his child but keep the door open, for your child's sake. He may find it easier to bond with an older baby / child.

Do you want to go to court to get maintenance?

bucketybuck

linpoo wrote: »

By the way I know him years and it was a casual relationship.
Thanks

Did he ever want the baby in the first place?

MayoSalmon

Why is he a deadbeat?

He has shown no interest in the child since the beginning and going by the OP comments has no interest in being a parent nor the child's father. His behaviour is consistent therefore not sure how that is somehow considered a deadbeat?!

linpoo

bucketybuck wrote: »

Did he ever want the baby in the first place?

No :-/

Reati

My dad was like this. Never came around.

Honestly, Never bothered me and I've grown up normal with a good job, wife and my own baby girl who I couldn't be parted with even by force. My mother never made it into a issue and addressed it directly if I had questions. I had other string male role models, my grandfather especially.

Sounds like this guy wanted a ride and not a baby. He's not interested and likely won't be in future.

My advice is to not waste energy on trying to get him to care. If he comes around good, but it's not the end of the world if he doesn't. Leverage family as I believe the close knit family. I had helped balance out any weirdness I might have thought I was in my head as a child.

Oh, and for God sake make sure he pays though. Nothing sillier than not ensuring he is paying for his child.

Wanderer78

What age is the father?

linpoo

Guffy wrote: »

Is there an underlying addiction problem?

how did relationship end? Does he "blame" you for something that's making his chces easier?

With regards him not paying maintanence, go through courts and do it immediately.

Are you waiting for a magic switch to be turned on for him to show more interest? It is unlikely

No addiction issues. I only found out after I told him I was pregnant that he was also seeing someone else.

Guffy

linpoo wrote: »

No addiction issues. I only found out after I told him I was pregnant that he was also seeing someone else.

Fair enough. I actually missed the casual part.

You cant force him to have a relationship with the child. Its unfortunate but there's not much you can do.

But again. You need to ensure that maintanence is being paid.

linpoo

Reati wrote: »

My dad was like this. Never came around.

Honestly, Never bothered me and I've grown up normal with a good job, wife and my own baby girl who I couldn't be parted with even by force. My mother never made it into a issue and addressed it directly if I had questions. I had other string male role models, my grandfather especially.

Sounds like this guy wanted a ride and not a baby. He's not interested and likely won't be in future.

My advice is to not waste energy on trying to get him to care. If he comes around good, but it's not the end of the world if he doesn't. Leverage family as I believe the close knit family. I had helped balance out any weirdness I might have thought I was in my head as a child.

Oh, and for God sake make sure he pays though. Nothing sillier than not ensuring he is paying for his child.

Yeah I think you're right. I've tried to include him so at least I can tell my baby I tried.

I'm just afraid in case he turns around in a few years bringing me to court for access etc. I dobt want any money off him so I'm not interested in pursuing for maintenance

neonsofa

linpoo wrote: »

Yeah I think you're right. I've tried to include him so at least I can tell my baby I tried.

I'm just afraid in case he turns around in a few years bringing me to court for access etc. I dobt want any money off him so I'm not interested in pursuing for maintenance

And if he does in a few years you can deal with it then but for now just remain open to him whenever he does show interest.

If he does show genuine interest at some stage, Id strongly advise arranging a formal structured plan through mediation rather than allowing informal ad hoc visits. I've been burned by that before. I was so happy that he was trying to be involved that id be really flexible and available for visits at his convenience and it got to a stage where the visits tapered out but life was turned upside down every couple of months when he had a pang of guilt and expected to be welcomed in the same way.

A structured access arrangement from day one will at least make him consider how consistent he intends to be and if it is then made a court order he will have to stick to it and not be changing plans etc.

Reati

linpoo wrote: »

I'm just afraid in case he turns around in a few years bringing me to court for access etc.

Unless you are blocking access I can't see why or how that would happen

linpoo wrote: »

I dobt want any money off him so I'm not interested in pursuing for maintenance

Put it in a credit union fund then for college. It's not your money, it's the child money. It's honestly silly to no make him pay.

Big Bag of Chips

If he brings you to court for access that wouldn't be a bad thing. It would mean that he does want to see his child. So all would happen is you go court and you agree access and then he shows up (or doesn't!) at the appointed time and place. You wouldn't be in any trouble over it.

I would now stop contacting him. Totally. He knows where his child is, so let him come to you. Do his family know he has a child? Are his parents interested in a relationship with the baby? That might be something you have to contend with in time. That his family want access, but he doesn't. Then you will have to decide whether them having access is the right thing for your baby. Also, if they wanted access and you refused they could try take it to court for access too.

For now, work with what you definitely have rather than what might happen somewhere down the line. For now, he wants nothing to do with the baby. So go with that.

GingerLily

MayoSalmon wrote: »

Why is he a deadbeat?

Because he doesn't support his children or contribute to their maintenance

Guffy

linpoo wrote: »

Yeah I think you're right. I've tried to include him so at least I can tell my baby I tried.

I'm just afraid in case he turns around in a few years bringing me to court for access etc. I dobt want any money off him so I'm not interested in pursuing for maintenance

I thought you want him to have access?

The maintenance isn't for you its for your child. It's for tour baby. If you do not need it to rare the child then but into an account for him for when he finishes school and starts third level, or whatever the child ends up doing in the future.

This is something you should do in your baby's interest.

eviltwin

What about his family? Are their grandparents, uncles, aunts your child could have a relationship with?

sbsquarepants

MayoSalmon wrote: »

Why is he a deadbeat?

He has shown no interest in the child since the beginning and going by the OP comments has no interest in being a parent nor the child's father. His behaviour is consistent therefore not sure how that is somehow considered a deadbeat?!

You realise you ask and then answer your own question!

OP I doubt he'll ever be bothered, I suppose stranger things have happened but I wouldn't hold my breath if I was you. What I would do is go to court and get money off him. Kids are damn expensive - he has a responsibility to provide for his kid, whether he'd like to or not.

Take the money, stick it away somewhere - there will come a time that you will need it, you can be damn sure of that!

ted1

MayoSalmon wrote: »

Why is he a deadbeat?

He has shown no interest in the child since the beginning and going by the OP comments has no interest in being a parent nor the child's father. His behaviour is consistent therefore not sure how that is somehow considered a deadbeat?!

Sounds like a deadbeat dad to me. Needs to kop on and face his responsibilities.

batmanrobin

Honestly, I don't know if I'd bother going after him for child support. He never wanted the child, he told you that from the beginning. He still wants nothing to do with the child, so chasing him for child support will most likely involve you racking up a lot in solicitor's fees as you go in and out of court (this can be endless!!) trying to force him to pay.

I'd rather spare myself that particular nightmare if I were in your shoes. But it's your choice.

MayoSalmon

GingerLily wrote:

Because he doesn't support his children or contribute to their maintenance

Why is obligated to do this? Maybe he never wanted the child in the first place?!

GingerLily

batmanrobin wrote: »

Honestly, I don't know if I'd bother going after him for child support. He never wanted the child, he told you that from the beginning. He still wants nothing to do with the child, so chasing him for child support will most likely involve you racking up a lot in solicitor's fees as you go in and out of court (this can be endless!!) trying to force him to pay.

I'd rather spare myself that particular nightmare if I were in your shoes. But it's your choice.

Why should he not have responsibility for the child? Why should a women sole responsibility for raising a child?

It doesn't even matter your opinion on the matter because the law says she can seek maintenance from the father and I hope the OP does so she can support the child. That's really who matters at the end of the day.

GingerLily

MayoSalmon wrote: »

GingerLily wrote:

Because he doesn't support his children or contribute to their maintenance

Why is obligated to do this? Maybe he never wanted the child in the first place?!

Maybe she didn't either?

linpoo

GingerLily wrote: »

Maybe she didn't either?

It's a very much wanted child by me thanks very much. A surprise doesn't meant unwanted.

Big Bag of Chips

Mod Note

This is not the place for discussion on the rights and responsibilities of anyone in an unplanned pregnancy. The OP has asked for advice. Advise her, with constructive mature advice, or don't post.

LegacyUser

<Snip> Deleted post

<Snip> Reply to deleted post

OP you've made the effort to get him involved so there's not much more you can do. No one can tell you if he will suddenly decide to want a relationship with his child. You can't control him so your focus should be on your child. If he does look to be part of their life down the line always remember the child comes first, not the father, not you. Right now your child is at an age where they aren't aware of the missing parent, you need to be careful when the child is older if the father does want access that you make sure to approach it always with the child in mind. The child should be able to see his father but if the father then leaves again this can be devastating for the child as they feel it's their fault.

Regardless of wither you need the money or not you should follow up on maintenance as it's not your money, its your childs money. As others had suggested have the money go into a credit union account for college fees etc if need be but he should pay his share towards his child. Again you don't know the future and what could happen and if you need help paying for the child a few years from now it will be a lot harder to look for maintenance then.

batmanrobin

GingerLily wrote: »

Why should he not have responsibility for the child? Why should a women sole responsibility for raising a child?

It doesn't even matter your opinion on the matter because the law says she can seek maintenance from the father and I hope the OP does so she can support the child. That's really who matters at the end of the day.

You do understand the concept behind an opinion board, yeah? People post their opinions, and your opinion does not matter any more than mine.

The law says lots of things. However, it's advisable to think long and hard about the level of anguish and drama one wants to drag into one's life. Chasing a reluctant father for maintenance can be a nightmare. I've seen first hand many times how bad it can be, not to mention how costly. For the OP's own mental health, she might want to think about it. Weigh up the pros and cons etc. Try not to personalise it. This isn't "your" problem, it's the OP's.

Wexfordboy89

Well im 29 and havent seen mine in bout 28 years so if going from my experience if hes not bothered now he never will be.do your best in life to show your child right from wrong and theyll be fine.I turned out fine and only had my mam

Reati

Wexfordboy89 wrote: »

Well im 29 and havent seen mine in bout 28 years so if going from my experience if hes not bothered now he never will be.do your best in life to show your child right from wrong and theyll be fine.I turned out fine and only had my mam

You're from Wexford? Maybe we have the same auld fella!

Wexfordboy89

Reati wrote: »

You're from Wexford? Maybe we have the same auld fella!

Lol no its my mams surname his was Burke.could be cousins

Ann84

Hi! To answer your original post - you cant predict the future, he may want to build a relationship with the child as he grows up, he also may not but it doesn’t really matter - maybe you should leave him alone though in the mean time? He knows where the baby is if he wants to see him - he has your number.

It sounds like he didn’t want to become a parent, not everyone does. Some people, both male and female can embrace an unplanned pregnancy, some can’t and it’s not as simple as “cop on” and “get over it” - becoming a parent when you don’t want to is not a small thing.
I get the impression he was clear that he wasn’t happy to become a parent early on so I think you have to respect that if that was the case - it’s up to him to come to terms with it if/when he can.

The important thing is that you are happy to raise your child and that is the what really matters!

On the money front however - You should get a maintenance agreement in place for your child - trust me, secondary school, hobbies and college are expensive. Maintenance is money to give your child a better life - it is separate to access/ visitation and is for your son, best of luck.

sbsquarepants

MayoSalmon wrote: »

Why is obligated to do this? Maybe he never wanted the child in the first place?!

Are you seriously asking why should a father be obligated to support the child he created? This has to be a wind up!

OP - my advice is to formalise your situation in court as soon as possible. You've a long, hard , expensive road ahead of you - the quicker you get the details rubber stamped the better. It protects you from any surprises in the future also, it's in everyone's interest to get your relationship and responsibilities to each other formally agreed and then you can move on with your lives with a degree of certainty.

Speaking as a father, I personally regret not having done it sooner myself when a previous relationship went belly up. No being at anyones behest or trying to keep them on your good side or anything like that. It says here in black and white, backed up by the court of the land, that I must do this, and you must do that, no more, no less, no argument - end of story!

njs030

Op you can't force him to want to be a part of the child's life and if he doesn't want to then that's just how it is.

You should make a claim for maintenance simply because there's no reason your child should go without at any time in their life. If you don't need it right now just put it aside until you do, it isn't for you it's for the child.

Big Bag of Chips

An onthread warning has already been issued regarding off topic posts. I have again had to delete a number of posts that are irrelevant to the OP. MayoSalmon and ted1 please do not post in this thread again.

All other posters, offer advice to the OP or do not post. Cards/bans will be issued from this point for off topic posting.

Another day

My grandson's father had no part in his life for the first 12 months. Now could not be more different! He had an issue with the mother (not saying this is the case!) and could not initially separate the two. Now you could not find a more involved dad. Maybe take a step back from the dad and try and reconnect in 6 months.

leggo

I grew up without my biological father and dated a couple of women who have kids with absent fathers. OP if you feel like you don’t want/need maintenance, it may not be the worst thing, you’ll spare yourself a lot of drama. My Mam took the attitude that if she didn’t take money then she had a 100% say in all decisions regarding me and was happy with that. Also, in relationships, mothers chasing up unwilling fathers caused a lot of drama and in one case sunk one completely. So the kid can miss out on someone who does want to be a part of their life because of someone who doesn’t.

He is obligated to pay maintenance, though, whether he wants access or not, so you don’t need to struggle unnecessarily. If you’re finding it tough, bring him straight to court and get something sorted, you’ll win easily there. As far as access though? He’s telling you he wants no part of it, accepting and dealing with that will actually make your life a lot easier rather than going into denial or trying to force him to love a child he doesn’t. Your child won’t even notice until he gets to primary school, and even then once he notices other kids have present fathers it’s just something you have a few years to create a stock answer for, because he’ll grow up with this situation being normal to him.

neonsofa

leggo wrote: »

I grew up without my biological father and dated a couple of women who have kids with absent fathers. OP if you feel like you don’t want/need maintenance, it may not be the worst thing, you’ll spare yourself a lot of drama. My Mam took the attitude that if she didn’t take money then she had a 100% say in all decisions regarding me and was happy with that.
.

This is a good point. In my case, I did the same. It just wasn't worth the hassle. The law, and "he should be"s are sometimes irrelevant when it comes to just being at peace and moving on with your life. In an ideal world yeah, it's obviously worth doing but sometimes you just have to choose your battles and make the right decision for your own circumstances. Once the child doesn't go without, that's the important thing.

So many people say "but it's the child's right and it should be pursued regardless if it's needed" and that's true to an extent, but imo it is more important that the child has a calm parent that isn't all consumed with court dates,maintenance orders, non compliance of maintenance orders etc. when they don't need to be.
If it's actually needed then it's a necessary evil, and if it's a straight forward enough case then yeah you may as well pursue it regardless of whether it's needed, but if it's not needed and it's going to add to your stress levels and it's going to be an endless frustrating battle of going back to court regularly for the sake of something like 15euro from his weekly dole for example, then I do think it's wise to just choose your battles.

Guffy

neonsofa wrote: »

but if it's not needed and it's going to add to your stress levels and it's going to be an endless frustrating battle of going back to court regularly for the sake of something like 15euro from his weekly dole for example, then I do think it's wise to just choose your battles.

Or 14k for the child when they start college?

I've also been on the receiving end of this, now in my case it was needed, and if i had had a nest egg like that when i started college life would have been a lot easier. Now i could have squandered it all in the first week of first year but my tuition and rent could have been paid for, out of a measly 15 euro a week of dole money.

You might not need it now but what happens when you have more children, if you do? What happens when this child gets older and just costs more? What happens when it comes time to college and the child cant get a grant if you earn to much or fees have come back in? No you might not need it now and you may never need it, but it might make things easier in the future.

As for being consumed by it, that's a personal thing. It will only consume you if you allow it to.

leggo

Yeah, see there’s going to court and getting a maintenance order, which is handy enough, then there’s enforcing it, which is ridiculously difficult.

Mothers have to weigh up cases individually. What are you going to get? Are you actually going to get it? Is it going to cause more hassle than it’s worth trying to get it? (Again, having a deadbeat ex in the picture can run off potential good partners who would be a much better influence on the child’s life) There’s no one easy solution.

A nest egg for college would be nice, sure, but you realise that most normal Irish kids with two functional parents don’t even have that? You were hardly denied a birthright there like...

As for the guilt that comes with “I want to give the child every chance so he doesn’t blame me for his father not being around when he’s older”: that’s a totally understandable thing to worry about, but having lived it I don’t think it’s a concern. I mean, yeah, when they’re a moody teen they might throw it in your face because they’re angry they can’t go out with their friends, but if they’re not throwing that in your face it’ll be something else. Truth is when you get to a certain age, you realise who was there and who wasn’t and appreciate those who were.

neonsofa

Guffy wrote: »

Or 14k for the child when they start college?

I've also been on the receiving end of this, now in my case it was needed, and if i had had a nest egg like that when i started college life would have been a lot easier. Now i could have squandered it all in the first week of first year but my tuition and rent could have been paid for, out of a measly 15 euro a week of dole money.

You might not need it now but what happens when you have more children, if you do? What happens when this child gets older and just costs more? What happens when it comes time to college and the child cant get a grant if you earn to much or fees have come back in? No you might not need it now and you may never need it, but it might make things easier in the future.

As for being consumed by it, that's a personal thing. It will only consume you if you allow it to.

14k if you get it always. If you don't then it's back to court for non compliance and pursuing arrears and direct from source. Then depending on circumstances,in my own case that would mean abusive texts about bringing him to court again. Him signing off and just working cash in hand again to avoid paying. Passive aggressive comments to the child about a gold digger mother etc.etc. It's all based on the individual to assess if it's worth it. People say things as if it's an ideal world but sometimes it actually isn't worth it despite how nice it would be or simple it seems in theory. Your lack of nest egg is not necessarily due to a lack of maintenance. As I said if The maintenance is needed then it's a necessary evil, but I don't need it. Lack of maintenance does not equate to lack of savings. The 15 a week can be saved regardless of where it comes from. Obviously it is easier financially if it comes from an external source but that's why I said if its not needed financially then it's up to the individual person on whether it's worth pursuing.

Re it being consuming, that's why I said if it's straight forward go for it and that it's up to the person to assess whether it's worth it. It is not always the person seeking maintenance that makes it a draining experience,and that includes for the child involved too.

MrJones1973

People are capable of Change. I would encourage you to send him the odd photo-once or twice a year. Dont make it a big issue with your child. Expect nothing from him and be pleasantly surprised if he changes.

qwerty13

Maybe lots will disagree, but I think it’s up to him to choose not to be involved. It was a casual arrangement ye had, not a relationship, and ye weren’t exclusive if the relationship was casual. So I presume it was a failure of contraception. I gather he’s said all along that he didn’t want the kid. It’s not the nicest thing to do, but so be it - he’s made his feelings well clear from the start by the sounds of things.

Maintenance is a different thing, but if you choose not to go after that, that’s your choice. I’d leave it alone OP. What is the point in you trying to force him to be involved - he clearly doesn’t want that.

Johnnyhpipe

Everything else aside, the fact that he did not want to see his own child at Christmas makes me feel sad. Not even a present

leggo

qwerty13 wrote: »

Maybe lots will disagree, but I think it’s up to him to choose not to be involved. It was a casual arrangement ye had, not a relationship, and ye weren’t exclusive if the relationship was casual. So I presume it was a failure of contraception. I gather he’s said all along that he didn’t want the kid. It’s not the nicest thing to do, but so be it - he’s made his feelings well clear from the start by the sounds of things.

If you have sex, this is the risk you take. Don't do the crime if you can't do the time. If a baby comes along, someone has to look after it. He made that baby. It falls to him to stand up, be a man and not run away from his responsibilities.

Funny Feeling

He may change his mind in the future he could just be confused and not know how to deal with the situation. If he has other children or something happens he might come calling. Try and leave the door ajar your child will want to know even if he doesn't.

On the maintenance it doesn't need to be hard to get or deal with. It's both of your responsibility to do best by the child and in this country that requires cold hard cash. When you go back to work (if you are) creche fees are €1000 per month that's not easy on one salary. You need to be thinking of what's best for your child. Not being able to work because you can't afford to can keep you in a poverty trap. Child care isn't much cheaper when they start school. The average cost of raising a child in Ireland to 21 is €105,321. You want to enjoy your child being a child and financial stress is not good for anyone.

MrJones1973

leggo wrote: »

If you have sex, this is the risk you take. Don't do the crime if you can't do the time. If a baby comes along, someone has to look after it. He made that baby. It falls to him to stand up, be a man and not run away from his responsibilities.

Look I would agree that a man should support his child but Im tired of repeal the 8th supporters saying its a woman's right to choose without giving the father the same right. ie Why cant a father say I dont want this kid?

Btw Im more playing devils advocate here. Personally Im generally but not absolutely Pro life

leggo

MrJones1973 wrote: »

Look I would agree that a man should support his child but Im tired of repeal the 8th supporters saying its a woman's right to choose without giving the father the same right. ie Why cant a father say I dont want this kid?

Btw Im more playing devils advocate here. Personally Im generally but not absolutely Pro life

My stance is that I think we should avoid abortion debates wherever possible, and considering this baby is here, healthy and happy it's definitely not the place for it.

justfillmein

leggo wrote: »

Yeah, see there’s going to court and getting a maintenance order, which is handy enough, then there’s enforcing it, which is ridiculously difficult.

Mothers have to weigh up cases individually. What are you going to get? Are you actually going to get it? Is it going to cause more hassle than it’s worth trying to get it? (Again, having a deadbeat ex in the picture can run off potential good partners who would be a much better influence on the child’s life) There’s no one easy solution.

A nest egg for college would be nice, sure, but you realise that most normal Irish kids with two functional parents don’t even have that? You were hardly denied a birthright there like...

As for the guilt that comes with “I want to give the child every chance so he doesn’t blame me for his father not being around when he’s older”: that’s a totally understandable thing to worry about, but having lived it I don’t think it’s a concern. I mean, yeah, when they’re a moody teen they might throw it in your face because they’re angry they can’t go out with their friends, but if they’re not throwing that in your face it’ll be something else. Truth is when you get to a certain age, you realise who was there and who wasn’t and appreciate those who were.

such a good post:)

qwerty13

qwerty13 wrote: »

Maybe lots will disagree, but I think it’s up to him to choose not to be involved. It was a casual arrangement ye had, not a relationship, and ye weren’t exclusive if the relationship was casual. So I presume it was a failure of contraception. I gather he’s said all along that he didn’t want the kid. It’s not the nicest thing to do, but so be it - he’s made his feelings well clear from the start by the sounds of things.

Maintenance is a different thing, but if you choose not to go after that, that’s your choice. I’d leave it alone OP. What is the point in you trying to force him to be involved - he clearly doesn’t want that.

I actually really believe that it is equally his right not to get involved, as it is for the mother to have an abortion. He doesnt want it, he’s made that clear. And the mother went ahead with it, but is gettint not involved. He never wanted to be involved.

qwerty13

qwerty13 wrote: »

qwerty13 wrote: »

Maybe lots will disagree, but I think it’s up to him to choose not to be involved. It was a casual arrangement ye had, not a relationship, and ye weren’t exclusive if the relationship was casual. So I presume it was a failure of contraception. I gather he’s said all along that he didn’t want the kid. It’s not the nicest thing to do, but so be it - he’s made his feelings well clear from the start by the sounds of things.

Maintenance is a different thing, but if you choose not to go after that, that’s your choice. I’d leave it alone OP. What is the point in you trying to force him to be involved - he clearly doesn’t want that.

I actually really believe that it is equally his right not to get involved, as it is for the mother to have an abortion. He doesnt want it, he’s made that clear. And the mother went ahead with it, but is trying to get him invoked. He never wanted to be involved, so I don’t understand why that’s a big surprise

sbsquarepants

qwerty13 wrote: »

I actually really believe that it is equally his right not to get involved, as it is for the mother to have an abortion. He doesnt want it, he’s made that clear. And the mother went ahead with it, but is gettint not involved. He never wanted to be involved.

It is his right not to get involved, it's a very shítty thing to do, but it's still his choice if he wants to make it. It's not his choice not to pay for it though.
If you crash into someones car, there is no point in arguing that you never intended to crash so therefore you shouldn't have to pay for example.

Actions are what matters in life, intentions are just intentions. He had sex with this woman without taking adequate measures to prevent a pregnancy - a child resulted as a direct consequence. Those things cost a lot of money!