Father doesn't bother with baby

linpoo

Hi,

I'm just wondering if anyone would know from experience, if a father doesn't bother with his child from when he is born do they generally never bother with them for the rest of their life or is there a chance he will come round and be in the babies life?

I tried to include him from when I was pregnant and he just isn't bothered. Has met him 3 times for an hour in the almost 5 months since he was born. I asked him did be want to see him at Christmas and he wasn't bothered, no Christmas present or anything. He's also never bought the baby anything and doesn't give me any money.

He never texts to ask how the baby is.

So has anyone experience with this situation and do they ever change and want to be involved?

By the way I know him years and it was a casual relationship.
Thanks

Guffy

Is there an underlying addiction problem?

how did relationship end? Does he "blame" you for something that's making his chces easier?

With regards him not paying maintanence, go through courts and do it immediately.

Are you waiting for a magic switch to be turned on for him to show more interest? It is unlikely

GingerLily

I'm so sorry to hear - he sounds like a dead beat dad, they exist

I don't know if I'd hold out hope that he'll be there for his child but keep the door open, for your child's sake. He may find it easier to bond with an older baby / child.

Do you want to go to court to get maintenance?

bucketybuck

linpoo wrote: »

By the way I know him years and it was a casual relationship.
Thanks

Did he ever want the baby in the first place?

MayoSalmon

Why is he a deadbeat?

He has shown no interest in the child since the beginning and going by the OP comments has no interest in being a parent nor the child's father. His behaviour is consistent therefore not sure how that is somehow considered a deadbeat?!

linpoo

bucketybuck wrote: »

Did he ever want the baby in the first place?

No :-/

Reati

My dad was like this. Never came around.

Honestly, Never bothered me and I've grown up normal with a good job, wife and my own baby girl who I couldn't be parted with even by force. My mother never made it into a issue and addressed it directly if I had questions. I had other string male role models, my grandfather especially.

Sounds like this guy wanted a ride and not a baby. He's not interested and likely won't be in future.

My advice is to not waste energy on trying to get him to care. If he comes around good, but it's not the end of the world if he doesn't. Leverage family as I believe the close knit family. I had helped balance out any weirdness I might have thought I was in my head as a child.

Oh, and for God sake make sure he pays though. Nothing sillier than not ensuring he is paying for his child.

Wanderer78

What age is the father?

linpoo

Guffy wrote: »

Is there an underlying addiction problem?

how did relationship end? Does he "blame" you for something that's making his chces easier?

With regards him not paying maintanence, go through courts and do it immediately.

Are you waiting for a magic switch to be turned on for him to show more interest? It is unlikely

No addiction issues. I only found out after I told him I was pregnant that he was also seeing someone else.

Guffy

linpoo wrote: »

No addiction issues. I only found out after I told him I was pregnant that he was also seeing someone else.

Fair enough. I actually missed the casual part.

You cant force him to have a relationship with the child. Its unfortunate but there's not much you can do.

But again. You need to ensure that maintanence is being paid.

linpoo

Reati wrote: »

My dad was like this. Never came around.

Honestly, Never bothered me and I've grown up normal with a good job, wife and my own baby girl who I couldn't be parted with even by force. My mother never made it into a issue and addressed it directly if I had questions. I had other string male role models, my grandfather especially.

Sounds like this guy wanted a ride and not a baby. He's not interested and likely won't be in future.

My advice is to not waste energy on trying to get him to care. If he comes around good, but it's not the end of the world if he doesn't. Leverage family as I believe the close knit family. I had helped balance out any weirdness I might have thought I was in my head as a child.

Oh, and for God sake make sure he pays though. Nothing sillier than not ensuring he is paying for his child.

Yeah I think you're right. I've tried to include him so at least I can tell my baby I tried.

I'm just afraid in case he turns around in a few years bringing me to court for access etc. I dobt want any money off him so I'm not interested in pursuing for maintenance

neonsofa

linpoo wrote: »

Yeah I think you're right. I've tried to include him so at least I can tell my baby I tried.

I'm just afraid in case he turns around in a few years bringing me to court for access etc. I dobt want any money off him so I'm not interested in pursuing for maintenance

And if he does in a few years you can deal with it then but for now just remain open to him whenever he does show interest.

If he does show genuine interest at some stage, Id strongly advise arranging a formal structured plan through mediation rather than allowing informal ad hoc visits. I've been burned by that before. I was so happy that he was trying to be involved that id be really flexible and available for visits at his convenience and it got to a stage where the visits tapered out but life was turned upside down every couple of months when he had a pang of guilt and expected to be welcomed in the same way.

A structured access arrangement from day one will at least make him consider how consistent he intends to be and if it is then made a court order he will have to stick to it and not be changing plans etc.

Reati

linpoo wrote: »

I'm just afraid in case he turns around in a few years bringing me to court for access etc.

Unless you are blocking access I can't see why or how that would happen

linpoo wrote: »

I dobt want any money off him so I'm not interested in pursuing for maintenance

Put it in a credit union fund then for college. It's not your money, it's the child money. It's honestly silly to no make him pay.

Big Bag of Chips

If he brings you to court for access that wouldn't be a bad thing. It would mean that he does want to see his child. So all would happen is you go court and you agree access and then he shows up (or doesn't!) at the appointed time and place. You wouldn't be in any trouble over it.

I would now stop contacting him. Totally. He knows where his child is, so let him come to you. Do his family know he has a child? Are his parents interested in a relationship with the baby? That might be something you have to contend with in time. That his family want access, but he doesn't. Then you will have to decide whether them having access is the right thing for your baby. Also, if they wanted access and you refused they could try take it to court for access too.

For now, work with what you definitely have rather than what might happen somewhere down the line. For now, he wants nothing to do with the baby. So go with that.

GingerLily

MayoSalmon wrote: »

Why is he a deadbeat?

Because he doesn't support his children or contribute to their maintenance

Guffy

linpoo wrote: »

Yeah I think you're right. I've tried to include him so at least I can tell my baby I tried.

I'm just afraid in case he turns around in a few years bringing me to court for access etc. I dobt want any money off him so I'm not interested in pursuing for maintenance

I thought you want him to have access?

The maintenance isn't for you its for your child. It's for tour baby. If you do not need it to rare the child then but into an account for him for when he finishes school and starts third level, or whatever the child ends up doing in the future.

This is something you should do in your baby's interest.

eviltwin

What about his family? Are their grandparents, uncles, aunts your child could have a relationship with?

sbsquarepants

MayoSalmon wrote: »

Why is he a deadbeat?

He has shown no interest in the child since the beginning and going by the OP comments has no interest in being a parent nor the child's father. His behaviour is consistent therefore not sure how that is somehow considered a deadbeat?!

You realise you ask and then answer your own question!

OP I doubt he'll ever be bothered, I suppose stranger things have happened but I wouldn't hold my breath if I was you. What I would do is go to court and get money off him. Kids are damn expensive - he has a responsibility to provide for his kid, whether he'd like to or not.

Take the money, stick it away somewhere - there will come a time that you will need it, you can be damn sure of that!

ted1

MayoSalmon wrote: »

Why is he a deadbeat?

He has shown no interest in the child since the beginning and going by the OP comments has no interest in being a parent nor the child's father. His behaviour is consistent therefore not sure how that is somehow considered a deadbeat?!

Sounds like a deadbeat dad to me. Needs to kop on and face his responsibilities.

batmanrobin

Honestly, I don't know if I'd bother going after him for child support. He never wanted the child, he told you that from the beginning. He still wants nothing to do with the child, so chasing him for child support will most likely involve you racking up a lot in solicitor's fees as you go in and out of court (this can be endless!!) trying to force him to pay.

I'd rather spare myself that particular nightmare if I were in your shoes. But it's your choice.

MayoSalmon

GingerLily wrote:

Because he doesn't support his children or contribute to their maintenance

Why is obligated to do this? Maybe he never wanted the child in the first place?!

GingerLily

batmanrobin wrote: »

Honestly, I don't know if I'd bother going after him for child support. He never wanted the child, he told you that from the beginning. He still wants nothing to do with the child, so chasing him for child support will most likely involve you racking up a lot in solicitor's fees as you go in and out of court (this can be endless!!) trying to force him to pay.

I'd rather spare myself that particular nightmare if I were in your shoes. But it's your choice.

Why should he not have responsibility for the child? Why should a women sole responsibility for raising a child?

It doesn't even matter your opinion on the matter because the law says she can seek maintenance from the father and I hope the OP does so she can support the child. That's really who matters at the end of the day.

GingerLily

MayoSalmon wrote: »

GingerLily wrote:

Because he doesn't support his children or contribute to their maintenance

Why is obligated to do this? Maybe he never wanted the child in the first place?!

Maybe she didn't either?

linpoo

GingerLily wrote: »

Maybe she didn't either?

It's a very much wanted child by me thanks very much. A surprise doesn't meant unwanted.

Big Bag of Chips

Mod Note

This is not the place for discussion on the rights and responsibilities of anyone in an unplanned pregnancy. The OP has asked for advice. Advise her, with constructive mature advice, or don't post.

LegacyUser

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<Snip> Reply to deleted post

OP you've made the effort to get him involved so there's not much more you can do. No one can tell you if he will suddenly decide to want a relationship with his child. You can't control him so your focus should be on your child. If he does look to be part of their life down the line always remember the child comes first, not the father, not you. Right now your child is at an age where they aren't aware of the missing parent, you need to be careful when the child is older if the father does want access that you make sure to approach it always with the child in mind. The child should be able to see his father but if the father then leaves again this can be devastating for the child as they feel it's their fault.

Regardless of wither you need the money or not you should follow up on maintenance as it's not your money, its your childs money. As others had suggested have the money go into a credit union account for college fees etc if need be but he should pay his share towards his child. Again you don't know the future and what could happen and if you need help paying for the child a few years from now it will be a lot harder to look for maintenance then.

batmanrobin

GingerLily wrote: »

Why should he not have responsibility for the child? Why should a women sole responsibility for raising a child?

It doesn't even matter your opinion on the matter because the law says she can seek maintenance from the father and I hope the OP does so she can support the child. That's really who matters at the end of the day.

You do understand the concept behind an opinion board, yeah? People post their opinions, and your opinion does not matter any more than mine.

The law says lots of things. However, it's advisable to think long and hard about the level of anguish and drama one wants to drag into one's life. Chasing a reluctant father for maintenance can be a nightmare. I've seen first hand many times how bad it can be, not to mention how costly. For the OP's own mental health, she might want to think about it. Weigh up the pros and cons etc. Try not to personalise it. This isn't "your" problem, it's the OP's.

Wexfordboy89

Well im 29 and havent seen mine in bout 28 years so if going from my experience if hes not bothered now he never will be.do your best in life to show your child right from wrong and theyll be fine.I turned out fine and only had my mam

Reati

Wexfordboy89 wrote: »

Well im 29 and havent seen mine in bout 28 years so if going from my experience if hes not bothered now he never will be.do your best in life to show your child right from wrong and theyll be fine.I turned out fine and only had my mam

You're from Wexford? Maybe we have the same auld fella!

Wexfordboy89

Reati wrote: »

You're from Wexford? Maybe we have the same auld fella!

Lol no its my mams surname his was Burke.could be cousins

Ann84

Hi! To answer your original post - you cant predict the future, he may want to build a relationship with the child as he grows up, he also may not but it doesn’t really matter - maybe you should leave him alone though in the mean time? He knows where the baby is if he wants to see him - he has your number.

It sounds like he didn’t want to become a parent, not everyone does. Some people, both male and female can embrace an unplanned pregnancy, some can’t and it’s not as simple as “cop on” and “get over it” - becoming a parent when you don’t want to is not a small thing.
I get the impression he was clear that he wasn’t happy to become a parent early on so I think you have to respect that if that was the case - it’s up to him to come to terms with it if/when he can.

The important thing is that you are happy to raise your child and that is the what really matters!

On the money front however - You should get a maintenance agreement in place for your child - trust me, secondary school, hobbies and college are expensive. Maintenance is money to give your child a better life - it is separate to access/ visitation and is for your son, best of luck.