Church blessing

SarahS2013 · 09-01-2018 01:43PM #1

Hi there!

We're getting married in City Hall this August in a non-religious ceremony.

My fiance's parents are quite religious and I know would prefer a church wedding but they're embracing it all and not giving us any grief about it.

We know they would love to see us get some sort of church blessing before the wedding and we're happy to do that for them too.
So I'm wondering if anyone has ever done something like this before and how open catholic churches are to doing this sort of thing?

My family would have a lot of old ties with our local church (I was baptised there, my Mum and her siblings were all baptised, communed and confirmed there, my Mum and Dad got married there and my Grandad's funeral was there a couple of years ago).

Has anyone any experience of asking a church to do something like this? I want to make sure I broach it in the right way!

Thanks in advance.

lazygal · 09-01-2018 02:32PM

I think it'll depend on the priest. Some won't 'bless' what isn't a real marriage in their eyes. Maybe contact a priest you know would be friendly enough and approach him after mass one day?

SarahS2013 · 09-01-2018 02:38PM

lazygal wrote: »

I think it'll depend on the priest. Some won't 'bless' what isn't a real marriage in their eyes. Maybe contact a priest you know would be friendly enough and approach him after mass one day?

That would involve going to mass...

:D:D

Cheers lazygal, I figured it'd be down to the priest alright. I know a woman who works in the adjoining primary school, she might be able to recommend someone!

DaeryssaOne · 09-01-2018 03:01PM

I think it's down to whether you can personally ask a priest really. My parents wanted a blessing for us too, we weren't quite as accommodating as you so our compromise was we asked my husband's uncle (a priest obviously) to say grace before the meal. He blessed us during his speech which kept the parents happy and it only took 2 minutes so we were fine with it too!

I'm not sure how a priest would be about a full blessing in a church when it's not a religious wedding, though you'd think they'd be crying out to get people in the door of a church for any reason!

lazygal · 09-01-2018 03:52PM

It could be one of those things that fizzles out if you don't bother organising it! If you're not pushed on it be vague about 'getting around to that' and if the parents want it that much get them to organise it.

splinter65 · 09-01-2018 10:45PM

DaeryssaOne wrote: »

I think it's down to whether you can personally ask a priest really. My parents wanted a blessing for us too, we weren't quite as accommodating as you so our compromise was we asked my husband's uncle (a priest obviously) to say grace before the meal. He blessed us during his speech which kept the parents happy and it only took 2 minutes so we were fine with it too!

I'm not sure how a priest would be about a full blessing in a church when it's not a religious wedding, though you'd think they'd be crying out to get people in the door of a church for any reason!

This makes me smile. Our church has 2 very well attended masses daily and 3 on Saturday and Sunday but we only have 3 priests for 2 churches and 7 schools, so they’re not crying out for anything !
A blessing in our parish involves the couple coming alone to the parish center for a five minute blessing, I’d imagine that’s what the OPs family want.
Anything more is the sacrament of matrimony and as the op isn’t a practicing Catholic then there’s no reason why they would want this.

Neyite · 11-01-2018 05:55PM

What's the parish priest like? That's essentially what it will boil down to.

A sound priest would usually be happy to do a blessing, a more dogmatic or rigid one might refuse.

Toots · 12-01-2018 07:23PM

My brother in law had a blessing in the church after having a civil ceremony in the hotel. The difference was though, he's a regular church goer but his new wife isn't religious. Because he went to mass every week and knew the priest, there was no problem with them getting a short ceremony in the church for the immediate families. I don't know how it would work if neither of you go to mass though.

qwerty13 · 13-01-2018 02:37AM

Friend of mine (catholic) got married in the registry office to a divorced guy. She really really wanted the ‘church bit’ as her ‘real’ wedding day, despite her not being religious.

I’m not remotely religious, but I could understand that their local priests refused to do a ‘blessing’ quasi wedding ceremony. I have no time for the church; but if one doesn’t want to play by their rules, why expect to partake in their ceremonies? I genuinely don’t get that.

In the end, her family members found a very distant friend of the family who would do the blessing/quasi wedding ceremony, but he was a retired priest, with no specific ties to a parish.

Like others have said, from what I’ve seen, it comes down to the specific priest. It does seem completely reasonable that they’d refuse people who aren’t involved in their religious community/congregation though

PS: that’s not meant to criticise you in any way OP; just telling you my views / experience of it. I know you’re only trying to facilitate your relatives

Mrs OBumble · 13-01-2018 12:59PM

Toots wrote: »

My brother in law had a blessing in the church after having a civil ceremony in the hotel. The difference was though, he's a regular church goer but his new wife isn't religious. Because he went to mass every week and knew the priest, there was no problem with them getting a short ceremony in the church for the immediate families. I don't know how it would work if neither of you go to mass though.

A short ceremony is a good bit more than a blessing, though.

A blessing takes seconds to administer.

A short ceremony sounds more like a Catholic wedding without nuptial Mass.

splinter65 · 13-01-2018 01:24PM

One of the many things I don’t understand about modern Irish weddings is this thing”we’re neither of us religious but we would like a priests blessing”.
If your not religious then what’s that about?
Why a priest? Why not your local popular TD or popular local sporting hero or someone like that ?
Everyone gathers in the local GAA/soccer/rugby club and some either current or former local star gets up and says “best of luck Chloe and Brian today and many happy years together”.
Cue cheers and clapping.
If you don’t believe a religious blessing is real or even exists, then why would 2 adults stand in front of a priest pretending that they do?

Neyite · 13-01-2018 02:14PM

splinter65 wrote: »

If you don’t believe a religious blessing is real or even exists, then why would 2 adults stand in front of a priest pretending that they do?

Usually the reason is to appease relatives.

And I understand that. I don't hate the RCC enough to cause a years-long rift with some older relatives who are dear to me. That's an unpopular view here on Boards but I don't really care. I feel sad that my relatives have had decades and decades of indoctrination and brainwashing that they feel that a wedding isn't a real one unless it's by a priest but they are not able to see past it.

Family harmony means more to me than sticking it to a church that wont even notice anyway. In a generation or so, the pressure to have a religious ceremony will have largely died out. I don't pretend either. When I discussed it with a priest I made it crystal clear that we were non-believers and the only reason we were doing it was for the elderly relatives, and he was happy to work with us to do as secular a service as he could manage for us.

splinter65 · 13-01-2018 02:53PM

My mother is a very right wing conservative cradle Catholic.
My youngest brother is an avowed atheist living unmarried with the mother of his two small children who needless to say are not or have ever been baptized.
If he arranged a religious wedding in an attempt to “appease” my mother then I’m afraid neither she nor I would attend because the sheer skyscraper levels of unbearable hypocrisy in that situation would give me a week long migraine!
So I sympathize with you Neyite in having such atrociously ridiculous close relatives that your wedding day had to include such extremes of compromise on the bride and grooms part.

qwerty13 · 13-01-2018 03:00PM

Ah here Splinter, that’s completely OTT. I’m an atheist, and would not consider having a church wedding or ‘blessing’ for myself.

But you’d really refuse to go to your sibling’s wedding if they bit the bullet to make family happy?! That’s nuts. I don’t get week long migraines or refuse to attend church crrrmonies.

splinter65 · 13-01-2018 03:14PM

qwerty13 wrote: »

Ah here Splinter, that’s completely OTT. I’m an atheist, and would not consider having a church wedding or ‘blessing’ for myself.

But you’d really refuse to go to your sibling’s wedding if they bit the bullet to make family happy?! That’s nuts. I don’t get week long migraines or refuse to attend church crrrmonies.

It wouldn’t make my mother “happy” . She’s not “unhappy” .She’d like of course if her granddaughters were baptized but her son, my brother, and his partner are two adults and must be allowed to live their lives as they see fit.
We’d both be very surprised and disappointed at this stage if anything other than a civil ceremony was arranged because, there’s no escaping it, it’s gross hypocrisy to deny the existence of a “higher power” and then ask a representative of a “higher power” to conduct your marriage ceremony just to indulge a family member.

Toots · 13-01-2018 10:50PM

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

A short ceremony is a good bit more than a blessing, though.

A blessing takes seconds to administer.

A short ceremony sounds more like a Catholic wedding without nuptial Mass.

It was about 15 minutes, I think the priest basically managed to pad out the blessing a bit just so it wasn't like we'd barely got our bums in the seats before it was time to leave again

Neyite · 14-01-2018 02:54PM

splinter65 wrote: »

My mother is a very right wing conservative cradle Catholic.
My youngest brother is an avowed atheist living unmarried with the mother of his two small children who needless to say are not or have ever been baptized.
If he arranged a religious wedding in an attempt to “appease” my mother then I’m afraid neither she nor I would attend because the sheer skyscraper levels of unbearable hypocrisy in that situation would give me a week long migraine!
So I sympathize with you Neyite in having such atrociously ridiculous close relatives that your wedding day had to include such extremes of compromise on the bride and grooms part.

You've missed the point. It's not about pretending to a religious relative that you are religious for a day. It's about incorporating something small that is meaningless for us into my day that is meaningful for them.

They know our stance and don't dictate our day to day lives- they didn't dictate our wedding either. But for me, our wedding day is about everyone in the family enjoying it. Its as trivial to me as ensuring there's something nice for my vegan guests to eat, or making sure that the venue is child-friendly for the kids attending. If incorporating a small prayer service helps make several of our guests happy - and it will- then I'm ok with that. It's not something I decided easily, it's a major factor as to why we held off in planning a wedding for so long but we know we made the right decision for us.

Your stance of boycotting a religious wedding because the B&G aren't of the faith is the very same as a religious guest boycotting a civil ceremony. How can you pity the hypocrisy when you are doing the very same?

Mollyb60 · 16-01-2018 11:43AM

When I got married my husband (who is quite religious and attends mass every week) would've liked something in a church. I was happy enough to go along with this even though I'm an athiest. The extortionate prices quoted by some churches however put both of us off. Our alternative was to have a civil ceremony in City Hall with a 'blessing' done by a family friend (who is a priest) afterwards. The civil ceremony was just us and his parents (mine live 3 hours away so couldn't attend) but the blessing was all our friends and family.

It was our understanding that our priest was seriously doing us a favour by doing the ceremony for us. It wasn't a mass but we lit the candles and he blessed our rings and gave a little sermon, we had some readings and music. It was lovely and so perfect for us. He said that he could've potentially got into trouble with the church for doing it because they are quite strict about a wedding only being held in a church.
So you really have to find a good liberal priest that's willing to help you guys out.

DavyD_83 · 16-01-2018 12:05PM

splinter65 wrote: »

One of the many things I don’t understand about modern Irish weddings is this thing”we’re neither of us religious but we would like a priests blessing”.
If your not religious then what’s that about?
Why a priest? Why not your local popular TD or popular local sporting hero or someone like that ?
Everyone gathers in the local GAA/soccer/rugby club and some either current or former local star gets up and says “best of luck Chloe and Brian today and many happy years together”.
Cue cheers and clapping.
If you don’t believe a religious blessing is real or even exists, then why would 2 adults stand in front of a priest pretending that they do?

Because the blessing means something to the parents.

We didn't have church wedding, and didn't get blessed in any way, but a blessing is something I had agreed we could do if my wife wanted to.
I think in the end it fizzled out as a thing we never got round to, as suggested above.

Equally, Our house was blessed by my father in law (he rushed in and splashed holy water before I could object). Although it was weird, and un-necessary, if he'd asked if he could I'd have said fire away. I don't see any harm coming from it, but if it gives him some sort of peace.

I have no interest in a religious funeral, but if those who are left take comfort from a catholic (or a hindu, muslin, jewish or jedi) ceremony, they can fire away.

splinter65 · 16-01-2018 12:20PM

DavyD_83 wrote: »

Because the blessing means something to the parents.

We didn't have church wedding, and didn't get blessed in any way, but a blessing is something I had agreed we could do if my wife wanted to.
I think in the end it fizzled out as a thing we never got round to, as suggested above.

Equally, Our house was blessed by my father in law (he rushed in and splashed holy water before I could object). Although it was weird, and un-necessary, if he'd asked if he could I'd have said fire away. I don't see any harm coming from it, but if it gives him some sort of peace.

I have no interest in a religious funeral, but if those who are left take comfort from a catholic (or a hindu, muslin, jewish or jedi) ceremony, they can fire away.

Well why not then simply abdicate all the organizing details of every major life event to close family and friends?
My sister Ann had all her children in St Mary’s hospital and it would mean a lot to her that mine are born there too so that’s decided.
It’s important to my Aunie Clare who lived with us when we were children that my children go to the Presentation convent primary school so that’s decided.
Daddy doesn’t want us to live over near that wind farm even though we really like that house, so that’s decided.
I genuinely don’t get it.
Maybe it’s just that as a family we don’t ever try to impose our wishes on one another, just try to be supportive and helpful.
We’re not really Irish though, I should add.

Church blessing

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