Still checking ex's social media...6 years later. Do I need my head checked?

LegacyUser · 05-01-2018 09:53AM #1

So here's the story. I've only been in two serious relationships my entire life, and I'm now 27. My first girlfriend, who was my first love, broke up with me nearly six years ago by text. We haven't said a word to each other since 2012 because I got angry over the method of ending it and harsh words were spoken (well, written via text). The second relationship was long-distance (I'm talking cross-continental) so it didn't work out.

I don't know what it is that has me still checking her social media. It's quite regular (weekly) too. I mean, I don't have her as a friend on FB so all I can see is her relationship status, so I look at that, but I always question my sanity after I do it. And it's easy to just search her name on Instagram, although she rarely updates that.

I don't know if it's lack of closure or I have a problem here. I mean, I did feel like I was punching quite far above my weight in terms of looks alone with her, so maybe it's idealizing that. I've also been on very few dates in my life because I'm really shy, so my experience of women is quite limited compared to your average 27 year old who's probably dated 10-20 girls.

If anyone has some advice it would be great. Am I just totally messed up in the head for behaving like this and checking her social media? What's going on?

ShaShaBear · 06-01-2018 08:35PM

frustrated1990 wrote: »

So here's the story. I've only been in two serious relationships my entire life, and I'm now 27. My first girlfriend, who was my first love, broke up with me nearly six years ago by text. We haven't said a word to each other since 2012 because I got angry over the method of ending it and harsh words were spoken (well, written via text). The second relationship was long-distance (I'm talking cross-continental) so it didn't work out.

I don't know what it is that has me still checking her social media. It's quite regular (weekly) too. I mean, I don't have her as a friend on FB so all I can see is her relationship status, so I look at that, but I always question my sanity after I do it. And it's easy to just search her name on Instagram, although she rarely updates that.

I don't know if it's lack of closure or I have a problem here. I mean, I did feel like I was punching quite far above my weight in terms of looks alone with her, so maybe it's idealizing that. I've also been on very few dates in my life because I'm really shy, so my experience of women is quite limited compared to your average 27 year old who's probably dated 10-20 girls.

If anyone has some advice it would be great. Am I just totally messed up in the head for behaving like this and checking her social media? What's going on?

Checking an ex's social media in itself is not odd, very common in fact. I've relented to it once or twice out of boredom and curiosity and I'm very happily married. People who I spent a significant amount of time with and shared a lot of myself with, I'll look them up to see what's happening. It's 100% nosiness. I also know for a fact that two of my ex's regularly look me up (one way more than he should), because they are not aware that the mediums they use let me see that they've done it :rolleyes: (think Instagram stories, so you might want to be careful there).

However, I do think going on once a week or more simply to look at the same thing over and over sounds a bit more of an obsession than satisfying a bored streak. You don't sound like you've accepted what she did and are still hurt (understandably).

eeguy · 06-01-2018 08:43PM

This person was a huge part of your life. You were probably best friends for years. Its normal to be curious how they're doing.

I check my exes every so often. Not too regularly, maybe once every month or two ill have a nosey. If you want to stop just set up a block on your browser. Even though you can get around it It'll keep you in check.

Tenigate · 07-01-2018 04:33AM

Sounds like a cross between a force of habit and a compulsion.

The bit about you punching above your weight and about how other guys have been on so many dates is the "tell" that suggests you have a few personal issues to work on.

If you can motivate yourself and "put yourself out there" it might sort things out for you. Otherwise seek some professional help to talk through the issues.

Boardno1 · 08-01-2018 01:30PM

I think it's normal to check up. I still do without anyone knowing..
Maybe weekly is a bit much, do you think you might want to get back together?

Vicxas · 08-01-2018 05:49PM

Its morbid curiosity, everyone does it just to see if they're still alive, etc.

Weekly might be a bit much but the only way to help yourself is to not do it as much. But know that once in a while is fine, you're only human.

miamee · 08-01-2018 06:00PM

From what you said about just looking at her relationship status because you can't see anything else is odd. Can you see any of her posts or updates or are you literally just looking at this and her profile pic?!

I'm guessing from what you have said about being shy and introverted and not with very many other women that somewhere in your head you think she is the one that got away or was your only chance at love and you blew it (you didn't blow it, she broke up with you but you might regret your angry reaction which lead to never speaking to each other again). There is definitely some sort of regret there. How long have you been doing this for, did it begin after your other relationship ended or were you checking it during that too?

Are you doing anything to meet new women, do you actively look for dates or use online dating apps or anything to move forward? Perhaps it's time to try that or at least take the time to think about whether you want to spend your free time looking at yer woman's Facebook profile or improving your life to something you are happy with.

Still checking ex's social media...6 years later. Do I need my head checked?

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