Lying about rape?

Big Bag of Chips · 02-12-2017 07:52AM

You can deal with her behaviour without questioning her rape claims. When I started going out with my husband at first, I used to hit him in a playful manner if he said something rude, or slagged me or something. It was never intended to be violent, but I might slap/punch his arm, in "mock shock" at what he would have said. Not enough to hurt, but a slap all the same.

One day he told me "Stop hitting me". I laughed it off because I wasn't "hitting" him. The next time it happened he looked me square in the face and said "Don't ever hit me again. How would you like it if I did the same to you? Next time you do it, I'm gone". It really made me see how my behaviour wasn't right. And I have never playfully hit/punched him since that day.

You can tell your gf that you are not willing to put up with this anymore. It doesn't matter if it hurts or not. She shouldn't be hitting you. It doesn't matter what her past issues are, she shouldn't be taking her rage and anger out on you. That is what you can use to talk to her and bargain with her. Tell her that you are not happy in the relationship and you are not happy with the way things happen. You are 100% entitled to your own feelings and reactions. That way you are giving her the opportunity to make a real change in her own behaviour. If she dismisses you and turns it around and uses it to attack you and play the victim again, then you have a choice to make. Because she is letting you know that your feelings don't matter in this relationship, and that won't change.

If you really want to give it one proper try, you could suggest that you go to couples counselling to learn how to communicate better with each other. That way you are offering solutions as a couple rather than laying all the blame at her feet. To be honest, most couples could probably benefit from some lessons in how to communicate better with each other.

I hope it works out for you..

Dr Crayfish · 02-12-2017 12:18PM

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

<Snip>There's no need to quote the entire preceding post.

Would you tell a woman who gets slapped around by her fella to give him another chance? Like f*ck you would. He needs to run a mile.

Ursus Horribilis · 02-12-2017 01:13PM

It also seems like you're looking at her in terms of her potential. What she could become "if only" she'd get help. The person she could be if only you/someone else could fix her. From what you've told us, this sounds like a disaster of a marriage waiting to happen. Make no bones about it. If you marry this woman you are marrying the person she is right now. If you were at peace with that, you would not have started this thread. Like everybody else on this thread (and it is fairly unanimous), I strongly advise you against marrying her. I think you should leave this relationship before any more damage is done to you. If you think leaving her now isn't simple, try doing so once you're married. Or worse still, trying leaving when you've had children.

Tenigate · 02-12-2017 01:43PM

I'd disagree with big bag of chips about couples counseling.
The time to work on your issues is before entering a relationship. If a relationship is mature enough and develops issues, or if kids are involved, that's when couple's counselling is useful. Not in a short relationship where trust and honesty don't exist and physical violence is frequent.

Big Bag of Chips · 02-12-2017 02:58PM

They are already in a relationship and one where they plan on getting married. It sounds like it is already planned to go ahead. Now is the time to sort out any problems BEFORE getting married and making it a whole lot worse.

Isshelying wrote: »

I love her and want to support her ...

Should I walk away or try to discuss it with her?

Isshelying wrote: »

I know i should walk away but i want to make every effort to make this work. She isnt a bad person but is really troubled. How do you even approach having a conversation wjere you say you doubt something like that?

My reply was mostly in response to these sentiments by you OP. You would be perfectly within your rights to walk away from this and never look back, you owe her nothing. But I get the feeling that is not how you want this to play out. And least not initially. I know you started this thread to get advice on how to handle her claims that she's been raped. But as is common in PI your thread has taken on another direction.

You are the one living and breathing this relationship. You are the one that knows her. Nobody here does. Ultimately you will make whatever decision is the right one for you. But, you need to believe and she needs to understand that her problems aren't your fault and you should never be her emotional or physical punching bag. It's ultimatum time. But you need to be prepared to stand by your ultimatum. Otherwise this will just continue, and escalate.

Fakediamond · 02-12-2017 06:32PM

Could I suggest looking up personality disorders? Especially borderline/histrionic/narcissistic. While only psychiatrists can diagnose the condition, you might gain some insights into the behaviour you're seeing. It's easier to make major life decisions when you're in possession of the right information.

justfillmein · 03-12-2017 01:24AM

well nobody here knows your relationship only you.
you said you love her, and you said she isn't a bad person.

you can hardly say to her that you dont believe she was raped.
even if its what you think, just dont go there in case she actually was.

if you just finished with her now you would never know the truth and probably wonder down the line if you have done the right thing.

maybe you can tell her that no way will the wedding go through, or the relationship go any further unless she see's someone now for her behaviour.
it's either that or you will leave her because you wont accept that behaviour anymore.
she will either get help to save her relationship or she wont, and then you can walk away will a clear mind

Dr Crayfish · 03-12-2017 03:26PM

Absolutely astonishing replies to this thread. If it was the other way around people would be suggesting Garda etc.

PopTarts · 03-12-2017 11:30PM

You should end it while you can. You must know deep down it's not going to work and things will be worse for you if you have married her.

I'd also be careful, if she is lying, of what she might say when you do end things.

Document everything now and when you end things. Even try to record it. She's dangerous!

Grayditch · 04-12-2017 08:37AM

Call off the wedding until she has sought professional help. You're going to have to make her work for it, for her sake. This ultimatum could be the best thing you could do for her.

If she won't do it now, she never will and going into a marriage with someone who is abusive and untrustworthy with zero effort on her part to change is a a disastrous idea for both of you.

bucketybuck · 04-12-2017 01:15PM

Dr Crayfish wrote: »

Absolutely astonishing replies to this thread. If it was the other way around people would be suggesting Garda etc.

Usually replies like this are a little over the top but really, it does seem like certain things are being downplayed in various responses. Imagine a woman coming in and saying this:

he uses this incident as the reason for a lot of his behaviour and mental health issues. he can become very violent when he's angry.

I have found out that he has lied to me about a lot of things in the past and I'm not sure what to believe any more.

he says he will get help but never gets around to it. If i mention it he gets angry

he dismisses the violence by saying he cant hit me hard enough to hurt me.

I don't know if confronting him with it will ever work as he always freaks out when confronted

Damn sure the responses wouldn't be "if you just finished with him now you would never know the truth" or "You're going to have to make him work for it, for his sake".

justfillmein · 04-12-2017 07:50PM

bucketybuck wrote: »

Damn sure the responses wouldn't be "if you just finished with him now you would never know the truth" or "You're going to have to make him work for it, for his sake".

and what if 'he' was actually abused and does need help.

the op has said he wants the relationship to work

Cocksy · 05-12-2017 02:56PM

wow how could you marry her? she is nuts

SummerHaze · 07-12-2017 12:31PM

she is insane

minikin · 11-12-2017 02:53PM

Give yourself the Christmas present of leaving this relationship.
Don’t get into your reasons why - just have a conversation with her saying that your feelings have changed and you no longer see a future together.
Record this conversation to avoid any future claims she may contrive against you.

SuperSean11 · 11-12-2017 03:05PM

Get out of there. Don’t get her pregnant on the way out, the pill can fail in these situations for some reason...

valoren · 11-12-2017 06:12PM

minikin wrote: »

Give yourself the Christmas present of leaving this relationship.
Don’t get into your reasons why - just have a conversation with her saying that your feelings have changed and you no longer see a future together.
Record this conversation to avoid any future claims she may contrive against you.

+1

Rule #1 cover yourself.

Be prepared for her mask to slip even further if and when you tell her you are ending the relationship. She will do and say anything to escape accountability or accept her responsibility for her part in it. You are clever enough to see that an established pattern of abuse has already manifested in your relationship as is, her modus operandi being that she is safe to act appallingly whenever she feels like it, without the need for self improvement as she has her stand-by, ready made excuse of 'I only acted like that/said those things because I was raped!" and the various machinations of that fundamental excuse and if you question them she rebuffs you with verbal and physical abuse.

You've put the pieces together yourself with her litany of lies since which have destroyed her credibility. As mentioned, she needs to help herself. You've tried to be supportive and encouraged her as a partner, she has abused you and been violent in return. That was the thanks you got. You've had enough red flags and it's time to move on. She will find someone else in time and will probably go through the same pattern as you yourself did.

As mentioned, protect yourself. She has to your mind lied about rape, so there is a possibility she will look to destroy your own credibility in retaliation for ending the relationship. You mentioned a Guard as a friend?

I spoke to a friend who is a guard about the violence

Might it be worth speaking to them as to potentially making a statement detailing the abuse to prevent any such accusations from destroying your reputation? She's been violent towards you so you could well be within your rights to complain about assault. Ideally it would come to nothing, but at least you'd have something on file/recorded officially should anything nefarious happen.

mea_k · 12-12-2017 10:22PM

QueenRizla wrote: »

OP, rape claim aside, it sounds like she has a track record for lying, gets violent, has mental health issues, anger issues and behavioral problems. I’d be running a mile and no way would I marry her on that basis. I’d want to marry someone grounded mature and in control of their emotions. Sounds like she needs fixing not support.

Pretty horrid way to put it. My husband married me for me. We had our bad patch. I Got diagnosed with mental condition and now we know how to fix this
He seen my flaws. And still married me for me. And im going to be forever thankful because initially he spotted that something wasn't quite right with me.
Quite possibly he saved my life. Now we have beautiful son together and planning for another baby. Love conquers anything. And if such a slight issue is deterrent weather you want to marry someone or not then maybe you shouldn't marry them at all because you are allready daubt in the outcome.
Remember we are all little bit broken.

bucketybuck · 13-12-2017 01:12AM

mea_k wrote: »

Pretty horrid way to put it. My husband married me for me. We had our bad patch. I Got diagnosed with mental condition and now we know how to fix this
He seen my flaws. And still married me for me. And im going to be forever thankful because initially he spotted that something wasn't quite right with me.
Quite possibly he saved my life. Now we have beautiful son together and planning for another baby. Love conquers anything. And if such a slight issue is deterrent weather you want to marry someone or not then maybe you shouldn't marry them at all because you are allready daubt in the outcome.
Remember we are all little bit broken.

Some people are broken because their partner is hitting them. That isn't a slight issue and love isn't ever conquering that.

I doubt you would ever walk into a womens shelter and give them that little speech.

leggo · 13-12-2017 09:14AM

mea_k wrote: »

Pretty horrid way to put it. My husband married me for me. We had our bad patch. I Got diagnosed with mental condition and now we know how to fix this
He seen my flaws. And still married me for me. And im going to be forever thankful because initially he spotted that something wasn't quite right with me.
Quite possibly he saved my life. Now we have beautiful son together and planning for another baby. Love conquers anything. And if such a slight issue is deterrent weather you want to marry someone or not then maybe you shouldn't marry them at all because you are allready daubt in the outcome.
Remember we are all little bit broken.

Nobody is saying he should run because she's got mental health problems, as you say we all have our stuff. People are saying he should run because she's expressed no interest in having her mental health problems addressed beyond assaulting him. Again, with domestic abuse cases, you have to reverse the sexes to see if your advice makes sense...would you suggest a woman stay in a situation where she is regularly violently abused during arguments?

13-12-2017 09:26AM

Isshelying wrote: »

She dismisses the violence by saying she cant hit me hard enough to hurt me.

OP. This part actually made me feel physically angry. She's qualifying domestic f*cking abuse because "she can't hurt you". As if that makes violence OK.

Please, I'm begging you, look over everything you've written here and try to remove yourself from the situation. Imagine it's me or some other complete and random stranger posting this.

Do you think this is normal? What advice would you give? Would you tell me or someone else to stay or run for the f*cking hills?

Break off the wedding. Break off the relationship. CUT ALL CONTACT WITH HER. This is an important one as she sounds like the type to guilt trip you into getting back with her, either through threatening self harm or something else.

And afterwards, visit a counsellor and get some help. It'll help you get back on track after years of an abusive relationship.

mea_k wrote: »

Pretty horrid way to put it. My husband married me for me. We had our bad patch. I Got diagnosed with mental condition and now we know how to fix this
He seen my flaws. And still married me for me. And im going to be forever thankful because initially he spotted that something wasn't quite right with me.
Quite possibly he saved my life. Now we have beautiful son together and planning for another baby. Love conquers anything. And if such a slight issue is deterrent weather you want to marry someone or not then maybe you shouldn't marry them at all because you are allready daubt in the outcome.
Remember we are all little bit broken.

With all due respect, there's a difference between being "a little bit broken" and being a violent abusive partner, both mentally and physically.

If the OP were female and their partner was physically abusing them, but qualifying it by saying, "it's OK as I won't hurt you", would you say, "ooh they're just a little broken" or would you say it for what it is; a violent person?

up for anything · 15-12-2017 12:41AM

mea_k wrote: »

Pretty horrid way to put it. My husband married me for me. We had our bad patch. I Got diagnosed with mental condition and now we know how to fix this
He seen my flaws. And still married me for me. And im going to be forever thankful because initially he spotted that something wasn't quite right with me.
Quite possibly he saved my life. Now we have beautiful son together and planning for another baby. Love conquers anything. And if such a slight issue is deterrent weather you want to marry someone or not then maybe you shouldn't marry them at all because you are allready daubt in the outcome.
Remember we are all little bit broken.

That is a very naive statement. Love does not conquer anything or indeed even everything and it absolutely does not conquer violence in a relationship. Someone who is violent towards their partner does not love them end of story.

OP, get out of that relationship. Ring Amen and they will help you. Depending on how violent and vicious she is or can turn then you need to make a safe plan to exit the relationship. She could destroy you with false claims. Get some advice before you make a move.

sparksfly · 21-12-2017 08:11AM

Another concern that I would have is this. She has possibly used a false rape story to justify some pretty poor behaviour towards you.
There is every chance that further down the road and possibly years into your marriage, a false rape accusation could be levelled at yourself.
Its not worth all the potential misery op.

HandsomeBob · 21-12-2017 08:24AM

If I felt what you're feeling OP then honour alone would demand that I walk away. I don't understand how you can have any respect for this woman let alone love and marry her so why are you still there?

Do you think you might be lacking in a bit of confidence yourself to walk away and start again.

Jim Bob Scratcher · 21-12-2017 03:17PM

The girl seems to have a rake of problems, the best thing to do OP is just walk away, for you own sake and sanity..

lukesmom · 24-12-2017 08:59PM

Having mental health issues is NOT a crime. The attitude towards mental health in this thread is what makes people keep in their own issues and not seek help. Calling her 'insane' etc.

OP your girlfriend may very well have been raped. But whether she has or not is actually irrelevant.
She is violent. She hits you. She thinks its okay because you are a man. It is this very thought process that should make you reconsider your future together. If you really want it to work (and you must because you would have ended it by now) then you need to take a few weeks away from each other. Violent people need to find alternative coping mechanisms for their anger rather than physically acting it out.

Dr Crayfish · 25-12-2017 09:26PM

lukesmom wrote: »

Having mental health issues is NOT a crime. The attitude towards mental health in this thread is what makes people keep in their own issues and not seek help. Calling her 'insane' etc.

OP your girlfriend may very well have been raped. But whether she has or not is actually irrelevant.
She is violent. She hits you. She thinks its okay because you are a man. It is this very thought process that should make you reconsider your future together. If you really want it to work (and you must because you would have ended it by now) then you need to take a few weeks away from each other. Violent people need to find alternative coping mechanisms for their anger rather than physically acting it out.

It's a crime to hit another person, whether you're mental or not, which this girl clearly is. Again you're talking about making it work, this would never ever happen if it was a man hitting a woman. Unbelievable some of the responses in this thread.

Big Bag of Chips · 25-12-2017 10:45PM

Mod Note
Dr Crayfish, you have made your point, repeatedly. The OP came asking for advice and opinion. They are getting it. It's the OP's prerogative to take or leave any/all advice offered here. The Forum Charter states that PI is an advice forum. As such we ask posters to stick to offering advice to the OP.

I ask all posters to please re-read the Forum Charter stickied at the top of the Forum before posting in PI again. If anyone feels unable to post within those guidelines I'd ask them to refrain from posting.

professore · 27-12-2017 01:45AM

Isshelying wrote: »

I know i should walk away but i want to make every effort to make this work. She isnt a bad person but is really troubled. How do you even approach having a conversation wjere you say you doubt something like that?

As for specifics, she has told me several different versions of the story that wildly contradict each other and one in particular couldnt be true. She keeps changing major details of what happened

If she lies to you on a regular basis, and hits you, then she IS a bad person. This will get much worse after you marry. Sorry OP.

conorhal · 27-12-2017 11:19PM

OP. You sound like you are having a hard time. Perhaps you should list the reasons why you want this relationship to continue.
Ask yourself this, what is my understanding of the term marriage? What does that mean to me?
What are my goals in this relationship and does this person fulfill them?

All marriages are tough, the hard parts require partners. Your post suggests an inequity in your relationship, yes, on the long road there are times one will carry the other through the rough. You seem prepared for that, can your partner say the same though?

Lying about rape?

Comments