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Problems with new BF and his ex

124

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  • #92
    neonsofa
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,476 ✭✭✭neonsofa


    OldNotWIse wrote: »
    This would be a fantastic first step.

    Then again, as another poster said - he should be doing this off his own bat anyway. Like, I think I would be happy if I say, "hey guess what, you are being unreasonable - you gotta do X" and then he does X, but in reality - shouldn't he be doing X of his own volition anyway? :rolleyes:

    Honestly it is a huge step. It is uncertain. He's not to know whether she will be amicable if he starts the process,regardless of how willing and amicable she may seem in the beginning. Right now he has his family and he has a wonderful understanding girlfriend. He gets to live with his kids and see you. Mediation can open a can of worms that aren't necessarily about their feelings for each other. Right now he has a degree of flexibility re access and finance, if it is formalised then he may lose that flexibility and that can be really daunting especially in his position as a man/father and his rights (lackthereof) as such. And the sole earner. It would give him more freedom in other ways of course but it is a huge uncertainty for him about fairly huge stuff so it's understandable that he is apprehensive about rocking the boat. Nobody likes change even if it does come with positive change- it's fear of the unknown.


  • #93
    OldNotWIse
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,468 ✭✭✭✭OldNotWIse


    We had a conversation about this earlier today. I was afraid that bringing it up again would send him running (but then again if it does, that tells me everything I need to know), but that also I was a realist and we are both adults and we needed to talk about it. He said that he has no intention of messing me around and he is planning to have a conversation with her in January about mediation and finding a way forward. He said they both want to get to a point where they have their own place and have proper financial and custody arrangements in place. I said (which is true) that I am not going to put a gun to his head and demand that he just ups and pulls the plug straight away - especially with kids involved, but that long term, things do need to change. He said that his ex has already been looking around the market to see what is feasible for them e.g. she stays and he rents but reduces payments, or they sell and both start again. At least they are having the conversation. He said she always accepted that when he/she met someone else that they want to move on with, that this would be a reality and something to work through.

    Maybe I am a fool, but I do believe he is trying his best and if he puts his money where his mouth is and there are changes in the new year, things could work for us. In all other things we are so good together, and I want to at least know that I was honest with him about what I want, and gave it my best.


  • #94
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  • #95
    woodchuck
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,411 ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    ....... wrote: »
    This post has been deleted.

    To be fair, December is crazy busy for most people. Especially when you have kids.

    OP that conversation sounds promising! I guess you just have to wait and see if he'll put his money where his mouth is.

    Tbh it's not a situation I'd want to get involved in myself, but well done for the having the courage to bring the issue up with him.


  • #96
    OldNotWIse
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,468 ✭✭✭✭OldNotWIse


    ....... wrote: »
    This post has been deleted.

    Well I assume it's coming up on Christmas and I probably wouldn't be having the conversation this side of January either. I thought it was reasonable enough. The fact that she is looking at alternatives is something I guess. I know he needs to get his sh*t together and I am not denying that for a second, but I am acutely aware that we are still relatively early on and I while I will put it out there if there is something getting to me, I don't want to be just barreling in and calling all the shots and saying what needs to be done and when. it's hard to find a balance :(


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  • #97
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,583 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    You still only have his word for things though. So you don't actually know for sure that they have had any such discussions or she is indeed looking for alternative accommodation. According to your first posts she's take take take. She's "a leech". He does everything. He's broke because of her. He can't have a night out because of her. And now suddenly she's very reasonable and dignified and is looking for alternatives for them all that will benefit everyone as much as possible? Is she likely to easily give up that cushy number of she is as bad as he has been making out?

    Be wary of him. That's all I'm saying. He seems to be saying what he thinks you need to hear.


  • #98
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  • #99
    kylith
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,739 ✭✭✭✭kylith


    I'd say a reasonable first step would be for him to spend at least a full day with you, not a couple of hours.


  • #100
    njs030
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,030 ✭✭✭njs030


    Honestly op I find it really strange he's talking about babies and leaving his family to be with you when you haven't even slept together yet.
    It seems awfully heavy and full on, when you add in that you only spend a couple of hours a week together here and there I'd be slamming those brakes on tbh!

    Like the poster said above something isn't right when earlier his wife was a leech that he had to do everything for because she can't mind the children but suddenly she's ready to move on... Er which is it?


  • #101
    OldNotWIse
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,468 ✭✭✭✭OldNotWIse


    Big Bag of Chips wrote: »
    You still only have his word for things though. So you don't actually know for sure that they have had any such discussions or she is indeed looking for alternative accommodation. According to your first posts she's take take take. She's "a leech". He does everything. He's broke because of her. He can't have a night out because of her. And now suddenly she's very reasonable and dignified and is looking for alternatives for them all that will benefit everyone as much as possible? Is she likely to easily give up that cushy number of she is as bad as he has been making out?

    Be wary of him. That's all I'm saying. He seems to be saying what he thinks you need to hear.

    I'm not saying she is reasonable and dignified at all. And yes I am unhappy with the situation of course - that doesn't mean I don't believe what he tells me. That's a completely different thing and if I was second guessing what he tells me, why would I even still be with him?


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  • #102
    woodchuck
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,411 ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    OldNotWIse wrote: »
    I'm not saying she is reasonable and dignified at all. And yes I am unhappy with the situation of course - that doesn't mean I don't believe what he tells me. That's a completely different thing and if I was second guessing what he tells me, why would I even still be with him?

    OP if you're not happy with the situation... you CAN walk away. You have the power to make your own choices here. The alternative is to stick with him and hope that he gets his situation sorted out in the long term... but you have zero control over that situation and you're trusting in a man that you've only known for a couple of months.

    It just seems like the whole situation is going to get much messier than it is now. I'm sure there will be many battles in relation to both the finances and the children. It would be much easier to walk away at this very early stage instead of down the line when peoples emotions are more heavily involved. You haven't even slept together yet...


  • #103
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,583 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    OldNotWIse wrote: »
    Looking for some advice......

    ....Would appreciate some outside views please (and thank you)

    People are just offering you the outside views that you asked for. The majority of posters, looking in from the outside and reading what you have posted, see something that you don't. And that is that a lot of what this fella says and does isn't adding up.

    Of course you are the one who knows him best. But you did ask for outside views. If you were happy in the relationship and believed everything is going to work out for you in the near future then you wouldn't have come here asking for advice and outside opinion.

    People are offering you the advice you asked for. You don't have to take it.


  • #104
    OldNotWIse
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,468 ✭✭✭✭OldNotWIse


    Big Bag of Chips wrote: »
    People are just offering you the outside views that you asked for. The majority of posters, looking in from the outside and reading what you have posted, see something that you don't. And that is that a lot of what this fella says and does isn't adding up.

    Of course you are the one who knows him best. But you did ask for outside views. If you were happy in the relationship and believed everything is going to work out for you in the near future then you wouldn't have come here asking for advice and outside opinion.

    Yes I know why I came here! :D And I have taken everyone's views on board. The only thing I clarified was that I am unhappy with (and unsure about) the situation, but that doesn't mean I don't believe any word that comes out of his mouth. And I came for the objective views yes, but only because I think we have a chance and I want it to work - not because I think the writing is on the wall. If I really had given up (and maybe I should), I wouldn't have bothered asking because I know I would be wasting all of our time :(

    edit: and I am truly sorry if I came across as not willing to take advice onboard. It's just hard to walk away from something I had so many hopes for.


  • #105
    OldNotWIse
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,468 ✭✭✭✭OldNotWIse


    woodchuck wrote: »

    It just seems like the whole situation is going to get much messier than it is now. I'm sure there will be many battles in relation to both the finances and the children. It would be much easier to walk away at this very early stage instead of down the line when peoples emotions are more heavily involved. You haven't even slept together yet...

    This is something that weighs heavily in my considerations tbh. I keep thinking, this is meant to be the fun part, the carefree lets-do-whatever-the-hell-we-want part. That's generally how it starts out, and then later on it gets serious and there are issues that you will either work through or walk away from. I keep thinking if we are having these issues now, during what is meant to be the best time - how does that bode for the future. You are so right.

    I deserve better. I just feel so sad calling it a day, but...I deserve better.

    Think I need some time to lick the wounds. I really do appreciate everyone's advice and insight. You have all been more than generous with your time!


  • #106
    OldNotWIse
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,468 ✭✭✭✭OldNotWIse


    And as if like magic, he has just emailed me to cancel a night out we had planned this weekend because his ex has a night out planned that he forgot about.

    He asked if we can do another night.

    I said no. And I don't think he appreciates the finality of this particular No., but he will. There won't be another night. There won't be any other nights. I'm done.


  • #107
    Colser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,572 ✭✭✭Colser


    OldNotWIse wrote: »
    And as if like magic, he has just emailed me to cancel a night out we had planned this weekend because his ex has a night out planned that he forgot about.

    He asked if we can do another night.

    I said no. And I don't think he appreciates the finality of this particular No., but he will.

    Tell him that you'll go and keep him company while he's babysitting for an hour or two...see what he says to that.


  • #108
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  • #109
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,583 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    If he really wanted to be with you he would arrange for his teenage children to go visit granny/aunty whoever so that he could go out. People get babysitters all the time.. they're usually teenagers funnily enough.

    This is never going to be easy. He's never going to be able to be with you. Even if they separate and end up living in different houses he will forever be at her beck and call. Or he will use her as the handy excuse for never being around.

    You're right. You deserve better.


  • #110
    OldNotWIse
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,468 ✭✭✭✭OldNotWIse


    Colser wrote: »
    Tell him that you'll go and keep him company while he's babysitting for an hour or two...see what he says to that.

    :D


  • #111
    neonsofa
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,476 ✭✭✭neonsofa


    OldNotWIse wrote: »
    And as if like magic, he has just emailed me to cancel a night out we had planned this weekend because his ex has a night out planned that he forgot about.

    He asked if we can do another night.

    I said no. And I don't think he appreciates the finality of this particular No., but he will. There won't be another night. There won't be any other nights. I'm done.

    Well that helps with closure,as cliched as that may sound. He has shown you how things will be and you deserve more. At a time when he knows this will be a contentious issue, he has emailed you to cancel. He should be doing everything in his power to put your mind at ease and instead he's emailing cancellations to accommodate his ex. I get that these things happen and he had previously agreed to mind them,if that was the case, but when is he ever going to say to her "sorry that's my night with ONW, I told you that already and it's up to you to organise a sitter if your social engagements clash with that".

    I think you're doing the right thing. Well done. I know it's difficult cause I had to walk away from a very very similar situation for my own well being because I was feeling like I was a third wheel in their relationship. And that's not nice. You'll look back and realise that you're better off without all that. Honestly it feels like **** walking away from that but you deserve to be someone's priority, not just an option whenever they have a couple hours free. You deserve a partner,someone you can share your life with and they theirs with you. Hes barely fitting you in to his life, hes not sharing it with you. You deserve more.


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  • #112
    kylith
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,739 ✭✭✭✭kylith


    OldNotWIse wrote: »
    And as if like magic, he has just emailed me to cancel a night out we had planned this weekend because his ex has a night out planned that he forgot about.

    He asked if we can do another night.

    I said no. And I don't think he appreciates the finality of this particular No., but he will. There won't be another night. There won't be any other nights. I'm done.

    *Hugs*

    Look after yourself. You deserve to be someone's priority.


  • #113
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,583 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    By the way... It's only Tuesday. Plenty of time to make alternative arrangements with/without the cooperation of his wife.


  • #114
    neonsofa
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,476 ✭✭✭neonsofa


    Big Bag of Chips wrote: »
    By the way... It's only Tuesday. Plenty of time to make alternative arrangements with/without the cooperation of his wife.

    Good point.

    Op- new year, fresh start, best time for it.


  • #115
    OldNotWIse
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,468 ✭✭✭✭OldNotWIse


    neonsofa wrote: »
    Good point.

    Op- new year, fresh start, best time for it.

    It feels like the worst time tbh. Everyone is so happy and full of Christmas joy. We had holidays planned for over the Christmas break that I was really looking forward to :( I feel so down about this. Sorry to be a bah humbug!


  • #116
    neonsofa
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,476 ✭✭✭neonsofa


    OldNotWIse wrote: »
    It feels like the worst time tbh. Everyone is so happy and full of Christmas joy. We had holidays planned for over the Christmas break that I was really looking forward to :( I feel so down about this. Sorry to be a bah humbug!

    No I absolutely get it. And its dissapointing to lose those lovely plans,but chances are he would've cancelled them or cut them short to go home to the household chores or whatever else. They would have been tainted with that tension. He'd have been checking his phone to ses if she rang. He wouldnt have been able to afford a spontaneous dinner. Things like that. He has sold you lovely plans but you know that the reality would have left you feeling cheated and hard done by.

    And it does feel awful but I'm telling you it really is a great time for a change. Make new plans for your holiday. Pamper yourself. Make your own plans knowing that you won't be let down,that you will enjoy them as planned, no last minute cancellations. Really indulge in what you want. See movies without having to book it days in advance, read a book over a full day without worrying about fitting him in. Indulge in everything that gets sidelined when you're in a New relationship. It's not what you had planned but it's more genuine and real than any plans he was promising you.

    There is always something hopeful about a new fresh year, get yourself a fresh diary, it's a clean slate. Really focus on you and prioritising your happiness because he sure as **** wasn't doing that and it's what you deserve.


  • #117
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  • #118
    OldNotWIse
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,468 ✭✭✭✭OldNotWIse


    ....... wrote: »
    This post has been deleted.

    This. I remember when I found out about his living situation, I was like "WTF?" - and then his friend was all "oh no, it's not like that they are separated years". But that initial WTF reaction that I had - THAT is what I need to remember because I knew in my gut that was just wrong. I want to "make" it right now because I am invested, but it's not and never will be.


  • #119
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,583 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    This is his opportunity to make a definite decision for himself. He has plenty of opportunity to still be able to go out with you on the agreed night this weekend. He has plenty of opportunity to make you feel like you are important in his life.

    I wouldn't go chasing him. And I certainly wouldn't be coaxing him or hinting at him what needs to be done. As you said previously, he should know.

    If you're not worth the effort in his life, then you don't have to hang around waiting. You have been too easy going so far so he hasn't had to really step up and make an effort for you. Now he needs to make a very small effort... See what happens.


  • #120
    neonsofa
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,476 ✭✭✭neonsofa


    OldNotWIse wrote: »
    This. I remember when I found out about his living situation, I was like "WTF?" - and then his friend was all "oh no, it's not like that they are separated years". But that initial WTF reaction that I had - THAT is what I need to remember because I knew in my gut that was just wrong. I want to "make" it right now because I am invested, but it's not and never will be.

    You have great insight and awareness in fairness. And its not always easy to admit these things so fair play.


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  • #121
    Purple Mountain
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 13,662 ✭✭✭✭Purple Mountain


    Slightly off point on your dilemma but just thought I'd add this.
    While his intentions towards his family are no doubt honourable, he's ultimately doing them a disservice with his enabling mentality.
    The wife sounds like she needs a good kick up the what's it. She's well able to fund/participate in a social life but then is too unwell/ill equipped to run her household without her ex husband holding her hand.
    The teenage children will never learn skills or independence if their dad is still treating them like primary school kids.
    I'm sorry I'm being harsh, but this man has choices and while I respect him for manning up to his responsibility, it's a very unhealthy set up imo.
    In all honesty OP, you'd only be fighting a losing battle from day 1.
    Cut loose and value yourself x

    To thine own self be true



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