Lying about rape?

Isshelying · 01-12-2017 10:32AM #1

I have been with my girlfriend for a couple of years and she told me early on that she had been raped a year before we met. Quite a lot has happened in the meantime that has made me think she is lying about it.

She uses this incident as the reason for a lot of her behaviour and mental health issues. She can become very violent when she's angry.

I have found out that she has lied to me about a lot of things in the past and I'm not sure what to believe any more. We are getting married in 2019 but I'm having real doubts.

I love her and want to support her but this is a huge thing and there's no real way to find out for certain if it happened or not. I've tried to get her to go to the Dublin rape crisis centre but she won't and she won't report it to the guards either.

I know I'll look terrible if I don't believe her but I have good reasons to. It's not just doubt from her lying in the past, it's things specific to that incident that have happened. I apologise if I'm bring vague but I don't want to go into too much detail.

Should I walk away or try to discuss it with her? I know saying to her that I don't believe her will cause her to get really angry. I want to support her but am I being played?

QueenRizla · 01-12-2017 10:53AM

OP, rape claim aside, it sounds like she has a track record for lying, gets violent, has mental health issues, anger issues and behavioral problems. I’d be running a mile and no way would I marry her on that basis. I’d want to marry someone grounded mature and in control of their emotions. Sounds like she needs fixing not support.

Mr. Incognito · 01-12-2017 11:26AM

Get out- this girl is a head case.

leggo · 01-12-2017 11:31AM

Tough to get specific without specifics, but if your girlfriend is being violent towards you during arguments, then you're in an abusive relationship and should seriously question whether you want to marry her on that basis alone. Marriage will only make that worse, not better. And no what did or didn't happen her is not an excuse for that behaviour towards others.

LegacyUser · 01-12-2017 11:33AM

OP, someone close to me was in the same situation a few years ago. His partner said she'd been raped and used it as a reason why she rarely wanted to have sex or be intimate in any way with him. When he suggested counselling or to report to the guards she wasn't interested. A mutual friend was a guard and he confided in her not knowing what to do. Between one thing and another the guard friend had a word with her and told him afterwards it more than likely had never happened. He married this woman and had a miserable time of it. Things didn't change or get better after the wedding, they only got worse. Please save yourself the pain and heartache and really think about what kind of life and partner in life you want and deserve.

Isshelying · 01-12-2017 11:56AM

I know i should walk away but i want to make every effort to make this work. She isnt a bad person but is really troubled. How do you even approach having a conversation wjere you say you doubt something like that?

As for specifics, she has told me several different versions of the story that wildly contradict each other and one in particular couldnt be true. She keeps changing major details of what happened

GingerLily · 01-12-2017 11:57AM

I can understand why you want to be more patient with her, but she has issues and she's not trying to fix them.
You need to postpone the wedding, until she sorts our her issues you cannot marry her, marriage won't fix her issues and it will only trap you further in.

Do you love her? Can you love her if you don't believe her. I'm not suggesting she's telling the truth, but either way this there is a massive issue here.

Xterminator · 01-12-2017 12:05PM

Hi OP

There is no easy solution here.

Can you picture any scenario where you bring this up, express your doubts about the veracity of her story and it all works out? No.

Doesn't really matter if its true, but her other lies have muddied the waters causing your doubts, or if its made up or inflated from a real experience and repeated so long she half believes it herself anyway. The end result is the same.

you have to decide if you are going to accept her flaws and all. Can you handle it, not just the past, but in the future too, when she tells you something but you cannot take her word for it as gospel?

sozbox · 01-12-2017 12:11PM

Isshelying wrote: »

I know i should walk away but i want to make every effort to make this work. She isnt a bad person but is really troubled. How do you even approach having a conversation wjere you say you doubt something like that?

As for specifics, she has told me several different versions of the story that wildly contradict each other and one in particular couldnt be true. She keeps changing major details of what happened

Stop trying to ‘fix’ her you won’t succeed.

At best you’ll end up in a violent sexless marriage, at worst you’ll get a similar accusation and a divorce.

She’s not an old car, you can’t nor should you fix her.

Get out now before you regret it.

miamee · 01-12-2017 12:12PM

According to you she has:

- behavioural issues
- mental health issues
- is violent
- has anger issues
- lies to you about some things

Rape claim and health issues aside, are violence, anger and lies something you want to sign up to for life? Is she aware that she has mental health and behavioural issues? Is it something you've spoken to her about? If not, you need to bring it up. If you have and she has dismissed your concerns that is probably as much as she's ever going to do about it. You can't force someone to get help, they'll do it if and when they are ready themselves. I'd be pausing all wedding preparations and having a serious talk with her about all of the above and how you are feeling about it, it doesn't have to centre around her claim of rape as to me it seems like that is far from the only issue here.

bucketybuck · 01-12-2017 12:21PM

You are probably already thinking this, but a wedding in 2019 is far enough away that you could quietly postpone it now without any major hassle or many people noticing.

I think you absolutely should be doing that, you cannot get married to somebody you don't trust.

It won't be easy but you need to have some tough conversations with her, whether she likes it or not.

leggo · 01-12-2017 12:23PM

OP I've been in a similar relationship: lies, horrific major claims that look questionable under a microscope (in my case the specifics of her claim didn't even amount to rape, I think she just liked the drama and attention of saying it happened to her and, like your situation, it provided a handy excuse for bad behaviour), even physical and emotional abuse. So I get it. I get how it's like two people and one is perfect so you hold on in hope of getting that person permanently, or at least 75% of the time!

The reality, though, is that the decision is already made on her part. She has chosen to deal with whatever happened to her in this way and you really don't have a say in that, all you have a say in is whether you stay or go. This is who she is and, however well-intentioned you are for her happiness, you really don't have any right to try and change her. For your own sake I'd start trying to come to terms with this and all it entails.

Once you have, you have to decide if this is something you want to live with for the rest of your life, because that's the offer on the table. If you decide it's not (and for the record I'd strongly advise this), then and only then can you go to her and say as much, because you have to have one foot out the door and be ready to leave when you do. If you're not serious, nothing will get done and it'll just be a big argument over nothing. All evidence says that the best you'll get is a meagre tribute effort at changing before going back to the status quo, but if she sees that you're serious then there's a small chance she will get the help that she needs and improve. That's your route to trying to save the relationship and having a slim chance at doing so, but more likely ending it while knowing that you gave her every opportunity to change things.

Isshelying · 01-12-2017 12:24PM

miamee wrote: »

According to you she has:

- behavioural issues
- mental health issues
- is violent
- has anger issues
- lies to you about some things

Rape claim and health issues aside, are violence, anger and lies something you want to sign up to for life? Is she aware that she has mental health and behavioural issues? Is it something you've spoken to her about? If not, you need to bring it up. If you have and she has dismissed your concerns that is probably as much as she's ever going to do about it. You can't force someone to get help, they'll do it if and when they are ready themselves. I'd be pausing all wedding preparations and having a serious talk with her about all of the above and how you are feeling about it, it doesn't have to centre around her claim of rape as to me it seems like that is far from the only issue here.

It is something we have talked about and she puts it all down to this. She says she will get help but never gets around to it. If i mention it she gets angry and says to stop pressuring her.

She dismisses the violence by saying she cant hit me hard enough to hurt me. I spoke to a friend who is a guard about the violence and he said despite what anyone says it wont be taken seriously because im the victim not her. She wont be made leave our house if it gets bad or get anything beyond a very mild slap on the wrist in the courts system.

I feel like its a lose lose situation whatever I do.

DeadHand · 01-12-2017 12:31PM

The rape claim is irrelevant.

The relationship is abusive and you need to leave it.

Isshelying · 01-12-2017 12:32PM

leggo wrote: »

OP I've been in a similar relationship: lies, horrific major claims that look questionable under a microscope (in my case the specifics of her claim didn't even amount to rape, I think she just liked the drama and attention of saying it happened to her and, like your situation, it provided a handy excuse for bad behaviour), even physical and emotional abuse. So I get it. I get how it's like two people and one is perfect so you hold on in hope of getting that person permanently, or at least 75% of the time!

Thanks, you seem to have been exactly where I am. The only person I have talked to in real.life about this said something similar. She reckons she is making it up so she can use it as an excuse for her behaviour and to get the sympathy that goes with being a victim without the hassle of through guards, court etc. It seems that it is one of those things that can't ever be questioned. She said certain types of women do it because they love the drama. I thought that was fairly harsh at the time but its beginning to make sense.

I don't know if confronting her with it will ever work as she always freaks out when confronted with a lie. From the replies here it sounds like I've been really blind and that this is beyond repair.

mapaca · 01-12-2017 12:38PM

DeadHand wrote:

The rape claim is irrelevant.

DeadHand wrote:

The relationship is abusive and you need to leave it.

This. She is physically abusive, that's all the reason you need to walk away.

leggo · 01-12-2017 12:43PM

Isshelying wrote: »

Thanks, you seem to have been exactly where I am. The only person I have talked to in real.life about this said something similar. She reckons she is making it up so she can use it as an excuse for her behaviour and to get the sympathy that goes with being a victim without the hassle of through guards, court etc. It seems that it is one of those things that can't ever be questioned. She said certain types of women do it because they love the drama. I thought that was fairly harsh at the time but its beginning to make sense.

I don't know if confronting her with it will ever work as she always freaks out when confronted with a lie. From the replies here it sounds like I've been really blind and that this is beyond repair.

Yeah you're likely never getting the confession you're looking for. If she's a compulsive liar, she'll dodge, bob, weave and deflect for infinity because, again, that's just who she is. I confronted the ex I spoke of with crystal clear evidence about lies she'd told (not about a rape mind I never touched that), and like I'd be trained in how to interview people like this through my job, and I had her dead to rights ("You admit you said this? But you also admit you said this? Here is a screenshot of you saying this? Those three things completely contradict and cannot all be true together, but you still say you didn't lie?")...nothing. Regardless of what else you do, I'd give up on the dream of getting a big confession one day. Absolute most you're looking at are some vague, minor admissions of wrongdoing to placate you that you'll realise upon closer examination aren't even specific confessions.

And really, what does it matter? If you know she lies and you can't trust her word, isn't that all you need to know on the matter?

LegacyUser · 01-12-2017 12:49PM

I would thread very carefully here OP. An ex of mine used to tell me her ex used to beat her up etc, all kinds of horrible stories. Having broken up with her since I doubt any of it ever happened but she seemed to relish being a victim of some sort. She used to subject me to violent rages on a weekly basis towards the end. Being punched in the head and face repeatedly, pulling clumps of my hair out, smashing up my stuff, all in a normal Saturday night. One time after we had sex she said I raped her and started telling all her friends. A few weeks later she gave me an ultimatum that I had to marry her or she was gone.
It's all crystal clear to me how much of a nutter she was now but people like this are out there. Needy attention seeking drama queens. Run a f**king mile mate.

December2012 · 01-12-2017 12:49PM

Do not marry this bully. You are worth more than that.

Contact Amen for support

Tenigate · 01-12-2017 01:05PM

Isshelying wrote: »

I don't know if confronting her with it will ever work as she always freaks out when confronted with a lie. From the replies here it sounds like I've been really blind and that this is beyond repair.

Op don't walk away from the relationship... Run!

Can you imagine being married to her?

What if you had kids and she started hitting you in front of them, or perhaps lying that you hit her.. how would that end?

Teyla Emmagan · 01-12-2017 01:06PM

Isshelying wrote:

I feel like its a lose lose situation whatever I do.

No it's not. You have the rest of your life ahead of you. You simply cannot spend it with a person like this, who refuses to address their issues and who, most importantly, uses violence against you. She is not going to change because she doesn't want to. She gets angry to drive you away so she can continue to carry on as she likes. I don't know you but I know you deserve better than this because every human being does. And she is only going to get worse you know, the more she wears you down and locks you in. A marriage would mean a life of misery for you.

You have got to end this. Do not get sucked in any more by "helping" her. That's just a trap. Run away now, as fast as you can.

bucketybuck · 01-12-2017 01:26PM

Isshelying wrote: »

She dismisses the violence by saying she cant hit me hard enough to hurt me.

Seriously, this isn't normal. The lies are something you should idly muse about in the future but long after you have walked away from the abusive partner!!!

Isshelying · 01-12-2017 01:28PM

I think its obvious what I have to do but feeling really bitter right now that someone can get away with doing this. There doesnt seem to be anywhere near the amount of support available for men in this situation than there is for women from what i can see. Certainly nowhere i can go if i need somewhere to stay

silverharp · 01-12-2017 01:36PM

Isshelying wrote: »

I feel like its a lose lose situation whatever I do.

Have some respect for yourself and get out of there, the relationship is going nowhere but a car crash, its toxic.

Fakediamond · 01-12-2017 07:54PM

Isshelying wrote: »

I think its obvious what I have to do but feeling really bitter right now that someone can get away with doing this. There doesnt seem to be anywhere near the amount of support available for men in this situation than there is for women from what i can see. Certainly nowhere i can go if i need somewhere to stay

I would say that if you're intending to leave, the advice would be the same as for an abused woman. Make a plan, put money aside secretly for a deposit/rent etc. Put your important documents in a safe place (passport/birth cert etc), like with a friend or family member. And when you decide to leave, be careful about your personal safety. You could pack up your stuff when she's not there and move it out, and meet her in a public place for the break-up.

Remember, you don't owe her anything, she is abusing you and you owe it to yourself and your potential future children not to put them through this. It will never get better, only worse.

Good luck.

Hitman3000 · 01-12-2017 07:58PM

This sounds cruel, but life is too short to allow someone make you miserable. You only get one life. Try and encourage her to get help but you need to move on.

Yellow pack crisps · 01-12-2017 10:40PM

Maybe she was and maybe she wasn’t, it’s pretty much irrelevant if she won’t seek help and she is using it as a crutch to beat you with.

Your gut seems to be screaming at you and it’s one of these times that you should listen to it. No one deserves to have their mental or physical well-being abused by anyone regardless of the context behind it. If what she says is true then perhaps you ending the relationship will be the catalyst for her to seek help, she sounds like she needs it regardless of what she claimed happened to her.

It won’t get better! It will get worse.

Rubberchikken · 02-12-2017 04:36AM

You sound like a good kind person who is trying to do their best but your part er needs professional help by the sound of it.
Why not let the talk of weddings go for the time being and see if she will go to see a counsellor or gp.

suicide_circus · 02-12-2017 06:54AM

If you have good grounds and evidence to doubt her about something as serious as a rape then what the hell are you doing marrying her? She's not right in the head, you know this. Put the brakes on this thing.

bp · 02-12-2017 07:35AM

Call Amen, they will help you sort through your emotions

Make offical complaint to police about abuse (times, dates, photos, texts etc) so if (when) she tries to accuse you of stuff you have your evidence

Tell family so they can support you

You cannot fix her, only she can do that

Abuse is never ok

Teyla Emmagan · 02-12-2017 07:46AM

Isshelying wrote:

I think its obvious what I have to do but feeling really bitter right now that someone can get away with doing this. There doesnt seem to be anywhere near the amount of support available for men in this situation than there is for women from what i can see. Certainly nowhere i can go if i need somewhere to stay

How do you know? Have you spoken to Amen yet? You are not going to end up homeless. And staying with friends or family for a month or two would be a lot better than being in a shelter for battered partners. She won't have gotten away with anything when she has to tell everyone the marriage is off because she is a mental cow. It will all come out alright. Who owns the house you are living in now?

Lying about rape?

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