How did you get over your ex?

Bambi985 · 27-11-2017 9:19pm #1

Probably one for PI, but I figured fcuk it, I could do with a laugh, why not give AH a shot.

I recently broke up with someone. Recently as in a few months ago, but after a few weeks of "ah shur this is grand" I've been suddenly blindsided by some sort of heartbreak flu or something, I'm an emotional mess. The thought of dating anyone else makes me feel positively sick and although getting back together is an absolute no-go in every sense of the word, I can't see any other man but him. *vomit*

How did you get over your ex? Not the one where it was over for a good while and ye were both just putting yerselves out of your misery - the one that was your best friend/soul mate but it had to end for whatever heartbreaking reason. How long did it take? Any specific steps you took that make it all a bit easier, what led to that sudden realisation one that they hey, I no longer think of him/her constantly?

Help a sister out AH.

corner of hells · 27-11-2017 9:24pm

I climbed over her and jumped off the bed.

Junkyard Tom · 27-11-2017 9:25pm

Isolt · 27-11-2017 9:29pm

About 4 years of awful dates and hating men. Then I was okay.

oakshade · 27-11-2017 9:30pm

In the words of the country song... 'I can't get over you till you get out from under him'

One eyed Jack · 27-11-2017 9:31pm

A friend of mine always says "The best way to get over one bastard is to get under another one"...

She has a thing for bastards though so she's been under quite a few, probably not the best advice then now I think about it

Are Am Eye · 27-11-2017 9:34pm

You have to look yourself in the mirror and say "I am a strong, independent, black woman, who don't need no man
Kick you to the curb. You're trash.
What? You want a lift. Oh I'm sorry I've got something in the trunk.

s4uv3 · 27-11-2017 9:36pm

This will sound like such a clichéd post, but here goes.

Time. Really, time does wonders.
I did loads of selfish things that were just for me, I blew savings on a holiday I always wanted. I spent all my free time doing exactly what I wanted to do and lived it up. I went out, took up all the hobbies I'd ever liked the look of, kissed the bad boys, I spent Saturdays watching Netflix and sleeping. I trained for and ran a marathon. I reverted to the twenty-year old me who wasted eleven years on the wrong man.
You're single and unanswerable to anybody now, live it up and make the very most of this time

Carry · 27-11-2017 9:38pm

Transform him to a lovely memory with funny anecdotes and enjoy freedom.
Ok, that isn't your situation. You are hurting.

If he was your best friend and soulmate? I think that soulmateism is temporary anyway as your soul changes with time, as does his.

Of course there are flashbacks and regrets which creep up suddenly and unexpectedly. But they disappear as well.

Best thing in my experience is to think about the reasons why it ended. Think about all his bad habits, the situations when you felt like not being yourself and how you can reinvent yourself right now.

The regret and hurt flashbacks will come back occasionally, but will stop after about one year, if you don't find another love, maybe two years. But they are flashbacks full of wishful thinking. Nothing to do with reality.

Otherwise a bottle of Chardonnay or a tub of icecream helps to get the natural dopamines going again :cool:
Or AH.

Reati · 27-11-2017 9:38pm

I moved to the canaries, started to work in a bar and shagged a girl from pretty much every European country.

Plus, my back home ex rebounded and dated a guy everyone collectively knew as "ugly Damien" and that killed any last desires I had for her.

Mint Sauce · 27-11-2017 9:40pm

Got under someone else.

Junkyard Tom · 27-11-2017 9:40pm

Listen to loads of breaking up songs and cry dat **** out. Be grand.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ul-cZyuYq4

27-11-2017 9:42pm

I realized that there were better partners out there. It helped to think rationally about why the relationship failed, own up to my own responsibility for it failing, acknowledge their responsibility for it failing and tell myself that it would be better next time. Which it wasn't, but the next one after that was far better.

I don't I've ever completely gotten over my ex's even the ones who were obviously terrible for me... I just don't think of them as often anymore.

Reati · 27-11-2017 9:44pm

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I don't I've ever completely gotten over my ex's even the ones who were obviously terrible for me... I just don't think of them as often anymore.

Interesting. I have a few like that and thought I was weird for having a place for them in my heart or mind these days!

0ph0rce0 · 27-11-2017 9:44pm

After many nights staring through her window it took the guards to finally get me to move on.

Still can't go 500ft near the house.

Avatar MIA · 27-11-2017 9:51pm

AH answer... His wife found out?

Real answer. You probably won't ever fully forget them, but as that awful American singer says, 'Thank God for unanswered prayers!'.

buried · 27-11-2017 9:52pm

Channel the pain and the hurt into doing something creative. Make music, draw or write. Use the feelings of sadness and the dark to do it. Dive straight into the bleak bastard and flip it around by creating something artistic from the situation. It could release a hidden talent or enjoyable hobby for the future for yaself!

Bambi985 · 27-11-2017 9:52pm

Isolt wrote: »

About 4 years of awful dates and hating men. Then I was okay.

Bambi985 · 27-11-2017 9:54pm

buried wrote: »

Channel the pain and the hurt into doing something creative. Make music, draw or write. Use the feelings of sadness and the dark to do it. Dive straight into the bleak bastard and flip it around by creating something artistic from the situation. It could release a hidden talent or enjoyable hobby for the future for yaself!

Here's the thing though, I'm not remotely artistic or creative. There's just no hidden talents to be discovered here, I assure you. I suppose I could write a book or something, not bad at the aul words things, but can't really be arsed tbh.

cantdecide · 27-11-2017 9:55pm

Heartbreak is terrible and it takes as long as it takes.

Two realisations that got me through my last one were - The hardship of losing someone because they no longer love you or because you've decided they're bad for you is just a raw wound that sucks away your heart and soul but it happened for whatever reason it did and it makes sense for whatever crazy reason. You didn't lose them through death (as heavy as that sounds). You diverge but you both get to carry on and be deeply flawed humans who will screw up again and again until you learn what you need to learn.

The second thing is that if you truly loved them you will never truly get over them fully. There will always be a scar and there will always be the good things that you two shared. Especially when you date as you get older, you must realise that the other person also has that someone or someones for whom the scars will never be completely healed... accept that everyone needs to move forward and remember to never mention the war!

corner of hells · 27-11-2017 9:55pm

Bambi985 wrote: »

Probably one for PI, but I figured fcuk it, I could do with a laugh, why not give AH a shot.

I recently broke up with someone. Recently as in a few months ago, but after a few weeks of "ah shur this is grand" I've been suddenly blindsided by some sort of heartbreak flu or something, I'm an emotional mess. The thought of dating anyone else makes me feel positively sick and although getting back together is an absolute no-go in every sense of the word, I can't see any other man but him. *vomit*

How did you get over your ex? Not the one where it was over for a good while and ye were both just putting yerselves out of your misery - the one that was your best friend/soul mate but it had to end for whatever heartbreaking reason. How long did it take? Any specific steps you took that make it all a bit easier, what led to that sudden realisation one that they hey, I no longer think of him/her constantly?

Help a sister out AH.

The best "help" I can offer is that my Christmas party is on Friday.Your welcome to turn up unannounced in all your splendour , in saying that after about 8pm , I won't know my own name.

jca · 27-11-2017 10:00pm

Face Value- Phil Collins. When it's finished you'll say, Jesus I'm not as bad as that fcuker.

Bambi985 · 27-11-2017 10:23pm

corner of hells wrote: »

The best "help" I can offer is that my Christmas party is on Friday.Your welcome to turn up unannounced in all your splendour , in saying that after about 8pm , I won't know my own name.

Name the place and I'll be there, drinking gin on a stairwell and crying about how I'm going to die alone.

ShowMeTheCash · 27-11-2017 10:39pm

For me it stung for like 2 months, then I went to the ATM and realised i was fuc#ing rich and I could now do whatever the f##k i wanted without asking permission. I partied for the next two yeras.

27-11-2017 10:50pm

Bambi985 wrote: »

Here's the thing though, I'm not remotely artistic or creative. There's just no hidden talents to be discovered here, I assure you. I suppose I could write a book or something, not bad at the aul words things, but can't really be arsed tbh.

It's more of a releasing of the emotions rather than keeping them inside. I found telling other people about it didn't work since it just turned into a bitching session with the listener competing to show a past ex that was worse. :rolleyes:

Personally, I quite like going out into the countryside, looking around for people, seeing myself alone, I scream my frustration into the world. Actually, imagine all the negativity expelled from my body. (Visualisation is a powerful technique, but works even better with a physical connection/action) Then hop back into the car, go home, roll a joint and sleep well.

worded · 27-11-2017 10:52pm

The best bet is wild rebound sex from a randomer on the internet

PM sent

Speedwell · 27-11-2017 10:55pm

It seems like the horrible feelings are taking you over and swamping you. I know what you mean. I'm an American expat and, like many Americans, I have been successfully through a course of therapy. Here are some practical strategies I learned.

The first thing to do to keep your head above water is to say to yourself, "I am sad; I am not sadness. I am feeling helpless; I am not helpless. I feel bad; I am good. I am not feeling OK, but I am OK". Give yourself room to think. Understand that a lot of crisis feelings are due to the body thinking you are in physical danger. Say to the body, "Thanks for alerting me. You can relax. I've got this. I'm safe enough here".

What you feel is grief and it can only be gone through the straight and shortest way. Any effort to not process it makes it last longer. Soon you will look up and realise it's a bit easier. Then you will realise it doesn't hurt every day. Then you'll soon realise that you're not carrying the burden of it so much anymore. It is OK to grieve. Take care of yourself like you would a friend who was going through a major loss.

To deal with the horrible feelings now? Do this exercise. Take long, slow breaths. When you breathe in, say silently, "In with the good". Hold the breath for a few seconds and imagine it cleaning you from the inside. When you breathe out, say silently, "Out with the bad". Imagine the bad feelings leaving your body like a car exhaust. Repeat this "In with the good... out with the bad" until you can relax. You can do this in public without anyone knowing.

Cry if you need to. You'll feel better. Tears help remove the biological products of stress and sadness from your system.

If you feel that you can't function at all, ask for help. Most of us have been through grief. If someone is unsympathetic, treat them like a shop that is out of what you went there for; just move on and find someone who has compassion "in stock".

lonewolf1961 · 27-11-2017 10:57pm

Junkyard Tom wrote: »

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha brilliant .

27-11-2017 11:06pm

It's horrible

I've been on the break up rodeo more times than many I know. It's taken away my notions of happy ever after. Three times in a row I heard variations of "this isn't working". Each one had a change of heart, or at least mind. My reactions were not those of a dignified mature adult. I have been that person who begged for another chance.

There is no trick nor cure nor strategy to ease the pain Bambi. You must go through all of the feelings. Ride out the storm. Like another poster said time really is the only help. You'll stop looking for him on every street and in every crowd. Shopping won't leave you a weeping mess when you see his favourite food and remember all the times you spent doing the ordinary things. Mornings will be easier because you won't wake feeling like your stomach has been punched. You know that awful feeling who for a second you think everything is ok and then "bang"! It hits you. Days will be lived in properly instead of going through the motions.

Setbacks are par for the course but they too will become less. Eventually you will find the gap between thinking of him and not to be greater. Other men will appear on the periphery of your feelings and little glimmers of excitement will appear. You absolutely will love again but there is no rush.

Give yourself permission to be broken hearted and in pain. Everyone has their own way of dealing with this. There are some losses which I will never ever get over. They aren't to do with ex boyfriends but other much loved people who were in my life. There are days where I feel so sad about it all but that's ok. This is my life and nobody else's. It's your life and nobody else's.

You got this Bambi

x

Wibbs · 27-11-2017 11:11pm

Avatar MIA wrote: »

Real answer. You probably won't ever fully forget them, but as that awful American singer says, 'Thank God for unanswered prayers!'.

This. So much effin this. Especially the unanswered prayers part. Though in the midst of it, that's almost impossible to see. It would be great to wave a magic wand and fast forward until you do see it, but sadly life doesn't work like that. Now if someone invented a pill to make that happen they'd make bazillions.

And I say that as someone whose "significant" exes have had an unfortunate habit of splitting up, but not actually buggering off as they should. They can't seem to let go. I'll happily admit it bloody well broke my heart at the time and for a while after, but then I came to realise; hang on... WTF is wanting in their new "wonderful" life?

If your previous paramour is still around, go full radio silence. No good will come of any contact. If they're pushing that narrative, cut them off at the ghoolies and go silent. If they're doing the decent thing and going off radar, let them, wish them well and consider them as a nice memory in your life and you're hopefully a nice memory in theirs. In some ways one might argue it's better to be a memory wonderful "might have been" compared to a mundane every day reality, with added bills, boredom and lazy here we go again sex once a month and thoughts of a different life. What ifs are better left unlived in my opinion and experience FWIW.

Or blast him with piss. From Your Ma.

retro:electro · 27-11-2017 11:12pm

Sorry to hear that Bambi! There's no quick fix and it's different for everyone. For me, I found that I wallowed for weeks/months before it eventually lifted and I felt ready again. My friends would say the opposite- they got back on the horse right away, only to have reality hit them like a tonne of bricks when the novelty wore off after a few weeks. But you'll get there. It's a bad time of year as well, being Christmas and all and people being all notioney. I really hate the saying "everything happens for a reason"... bleugh. It makes me puke- but! It's kind of true. It'll all work out for you.

Either that or make a teeny voodoo doll of him and stick pins in his miniature voodoo willy. That'll help.

Bambi985 · 27-11-2017 11:28pm

Thanks folks. Ye're not a bad bunch of heads at all x

Deleted User wrote: »

It's horrible
There is no trick nor cure nor strategy to ease the pain Bambi. You must go through all of the feelings.

WHY isn't there though? Seriously we can put a man on the moon and find a cure for all kinds of diseases but there's not a pill to deal with heartbreak? What kind of bullsh1t is that?

I'm not good at feeling all the feelings, secretly I resent feelings because they always lead me here, in love with the wrong man or crying in an airport because I heard a song and suddenly BOOM, waterworks.

anna080 wrote: »

It's a bad time of year as well, being Christmas and all and people being all notioney.

Amen to that as well. I think the bombardment of "she said YES!" facebook posts is going to positively throw me over the edge this year too. Bah humbug.

Speedwell · 27-11-2017 11:35pm

Bambi985 wrote: »

Seriously we can put a man on the moon and find a cure for all kinds of diseases but there's not a pill to deal with heartbreak? What kind of bullsh1t is that?

Heh. Of course there are pills. Most of them are as bad for you as heartbreak; I'm talking about the ones that come in liquid form in a glass at the pub, or that you'd hide from your doctor or the law. Some of them are useful for numbing your feelings until you can cope with them on your own, but there's nothing like any availability of psychiatry in this country.

Oddly, one chemical component of good strong green or black tea is actually used as an antidepressant in some countries. I'm not a health professional so I won't go into it in any depth, but when people have a cup of tea for stress, they are not just engaging in British grandmother magic. Quite by accident I found that tea with rose petals in it is very soothing. When I last had a heartbreak I could not afford to stay home from work, but if I drank black tea with rose petals in it, I felt a bit more ease and could function better. Twinings makes an acceptable and affordable version, "China Rose", that you might try if you are inclined.

mad muffin · 27-11-2017 11:38pm

I had her for dinner… with a nice Chianti, and some fava beans.

27-11-2017 11:49pm

Time

And finding a decent replacement (even in the short term)

(NB the characteristics of a short-term replacement are usually not those of either yr ex nor of a successful long-term replacement, keep em peeled)

LadyMacBeth_ · 28-11-2017 12:02am

First of all getting your heart broken is absolute shyte and I'm sorry to hear you're in that place Bambi. I know you just want to be over it already but time really is the only thing that will lessen the pain.

Now for some bad advice, I like to ride my way out of painful break ups. Best way to get over someone is to get under someone else

worded · 28-11-2017 12:03am

Drink isn’t the answer but some opt for a pharmaceutical approach

Party on gurl, but only until the start of 2018

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=57LS8MyY2hE

worded · 28-11-2017 12:07am

This would be my no 1 choice if possible - Is induced coma an option if time heals all wounds ?

Sleep for 6 months and wake up refreshed and healed

Sorted

endacl · 28-11-2017 12:10am

Bambi985 wrote: »

How did you get over your ex?

Help a sister out AH.

Got under my next ex.

Easy.

jimbobaloobob · 28-11-2017 12:18am

I always listen to this song when the exs come along

jimbobaloobob · 28-11-2017 12:21am

I think i always look at it as their loss, im true to myself thats what matters.

Its the 'its not you its me attitude' except its them.

lonewolf1961 · 28-11-2017 12:22am

won,t play jimbo ?????

Bambi985 · 28-11-2017 12:22am

LadyMacBeth_ wrote: »

Now for some bad advice, I like to ride my way out of painful break ups. Best way to get over someone is to get under someone else

Might have worked ten years ago but now that I'm all old and sensible I tend to fall in love with anyone I let inside my pants

worded wrote: »

Party on gurl, but only until the start of 2018

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=57LS8MyY2hE

Ah heyorrrrrr, haven't heard that gem since I was in college light years ago! Used to be a major Damo fan.

worded wrote: »

This would be my no 1 choice if possible - Is induced coma an option if time heals all wounds ?

That genuinely gave me a giggle, thanks for that :pac:

Sleather678 · 28-11-2017 12:22am

Time... that all really

McMurphy · 28-11-2017 12:25am

I never did get over her.

Never wanted to

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7_Axli2C5ew

Dr Crayfish · 28-11-2017 12:28am

You need take some time out to reevaluate yourself and your life. There's no rush. I made some new friends who mean the world to me now. I focused on my own shortcomings instead of the other party's. I started to meditate and tried to become more comfortable with myself at last. It's a chance to own your own mistakes, I made many. It's cathartic. Breakups can be the best thing that ever happen to you.

wakka12 · 28-11-2017 12:28am

Ooh i dunno how Id get over it..Hes my best friend by far..and I his..I can't think of a reason why we would need to break up but there'll be a big hole in both of our lives if we were too. Been dating all through college, shared so much together. I can't imagine a life without him, even if we were to break up. I couldn't not speak to him again just because we weren't dating

monkeysnapper · 28-11-2017 12:34am

When I was a wee bit younger I broke a few hearts , wasn't even the breaking, it was the guttless way I did it , just stopped answering phone ( before mobiles) yes I'm that old .

Arranging to meet and not turn up, feeble excuses , I was hoping they'd get message and just go away instead of just being man enough to just finish it .

Well . . anyway I got my heart broken , wasn't very nice at all , and all I could think about was it was good enough for me , I had it coming .... Really hated myself for a bit , so anyway I went traveling , cycled on a bike for 10 days , ended up in Cork ....well I did leave from Wales ...wasn't like I left Killarney or somthing , wouldn't be much of a story would it!!!!

I loved Ireland so much I came back again a few months later , found love of my life and learnt to treat people a bit better . Married now, three kids. 2 Dogs , 3 bikes . I call that progress .

Edit ...Pick up bike 3 next week ......yyyyyeeeeeeehhhh I'm so excited !!!! Mad for the riding !!!!

jimbobaloobob · 28-11-2017 12:35am

lonewolf1961 wrote: »

won,t play jimbo ?????

sorry about that thought i linked it right, we gotta get out of this place by the animals

tomwaterford · 28-11-2017 12:38am

If your not tied down with kids/mortgage etc

flake off on a holiday/travel for as long as you can to get a new routine/perspective

Oldtree · 28-11-2017 12:39am

Aaaa Poor bambino, you need some Mia Angelou in your life

Still I Rise

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
’Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops,
Weakened by my soulful cries?

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
’Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin’ in my own backyard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I’ll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history’s shame
I rise
Up from a past that’s rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

Better still is to hear this beautiful piece of work by the poet herself

How did you get over your ex?

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