The increase in incidence of small penis' will cause a downturn in childbirth

I'm not saying that Irish men's willies are getting smaller, because that would be stupid, but we know for a fact that young men's bodies are getting bigger.

What happens when you gain lots of weight, to the point of morbid obesity, is that you gain it everywhere: face, chest, gut, calves, thighs and, of course, the pubic region. Regardless of body type, you will store some fat in this area. For some it might be minimal, shaving off less than an inch, but others can have the majority of their penis engulfed in a fat pad which buries their goods.

This is the little-known and little-spoken about consequence of mass weight gain and over time and it can and will have a devastating effect on our men. I know this because I used to be obese and mine looked like a cocktail sausage poking out of an afro, and it used to be a source of monumental insecurity.

Thankfully, losing weight will correct the issue, and the inches you lose to obesity will be rediscovered by shedding the stones, and I went through a phase of shagging anything I could find to make up for lost time.

But an increasing number of men are going to be afflicted with the same insecurity, the same shame, the same sadness as I felt for quite a long time, and simply put their sex life will take a turn for the worst. It's inevitable. And if a growing number of Irish men stop having sex, what happens? We stop making as many babies.

If I was the Taioseach, or the Minister of Health, I'd round up 20 obese men and ask if they'd be willing to stand naked on a stage in a school hall in front of the parents of children who attend that school. I'm not even joking. These parents need a serious jolt to the system and that is certainly an effective method of achieving it.

We waste so much f*cking time scaring the parents of obese children with words like diabetes and heart disease. Yeah, they know. What they don't know is that little Timmy's cock will look like a peanut before long and it's going to have a devastating impact on his confidence, his self-esteem, his psychological state, his ability to form and maintain intimate relationships, his entire f*cking future. And they need to know.

They also need to know that little Timmy won't even tell them about their concerns in that department because of the shame. He won't tell his parents, his friends, other family members. I saw a therapist for years and that's the one thing I didn't tell him, becaus some things are just too painful. As I said, I've rediscovered the inches I thought were forever lost, but my heart bleeds for those who haven't because it's such a lonely suffering. Yet, this obesity issue is only breeding more and more lonely young souls who will, for a fact, be afflicted with this.

Obesity spawns so, so many sub-issues, physical and mental, and Ireland is going to hell in a handbasket unless the powers that be wise up.