Its always worse when the mother dies in a family

Eric_Noon · 24-10-2017 11:33PM #1

Hi all,

I'm new to boards and this is my very first post, I attended funeral this week as a friend of my mothers had passed away unfortunately. After the mass was over I was stood outside speaking with a couple of women, to my surprise one of the women said "Its always worse when the mother dies in a family, they're the glue that holds everything together" at the time i just agreed and didn't think much of it but of course this statement started to eat away at me later on in the day.

This comment didn't offend me but I really disagree wth what this woman said. with all this said I would love to hear any opinions or family experiences where this was or wasn't the case!

Thanks,
E

KERSPLAT! · 24-10-2017 11:36PM

I understand the reasoning of what they're saying. Do I agree with it? Im not sure to be honest.

nullzero · 24-10-2017 11:37PM

Depends on the family, and what the mother was like.
It's never nice when anyone dies, although it's usually expected that women will out live men.

Nettle Soup · 24-10-2017 11:39PM

From experience, it does seem worse when the mother dies first. The fathers are just less able to cope.

wakka12 · 24-10-2017 11:40PM

Of course not every family is like this. But more often than not the children of a family are closer to their mother, confide in her more, and would have spent more of their life being cared for by their mother than their father often due to work reasons.
Of most families I know Id agree with her that the mother is the glue that holds the family together

elperello · 24-10-2017 11:42PM

I think it's fairly common for older people.
I imagine the roots lie in an understanding of the special bond between mother and child that exists in no other human relationship..

jimbobaloobob · 24-10-2017 11:48PM

maybe more so in the generations past as mothers were at home for the time of their children growing up.
Im sure give it another two decades and this statement will be less and less the truth with so many more career working women and more stay at home dads.
the glue depends on nurturer.

eviltwin · 24-10-2017 11:49PM

Most families I know regardless of age, the mother would be the linchpin. That's not to say the fathers are unimportant or that the loss of the mother is worse, both are equally as tragic, but perhaps the impact is more keenly felt when the mother is no longer around particularly in relationships where the mother is the primary carer.

RobertKK · 24-10-2017 11:50PM

As a person who grew up on a farm, we had our mother and father there all the time, and would put both equal. My mother died but she had been sick for a while, and in our family we were all the glue as we are close.
It is equally as bad to lose any family member, but when they are old, they played their role and it is down to the next generation.
With a younger family it is a different situation.

JuanJose · 24-10-2017 11:51PM

Disagree. When an older relative of mine passed away some years ago, his family tore away at each other to the extent that some no longer speak to each other. Not going to go into details. Anyway, it turns out that HE was the glue holding the family unit together. Trust me, each family & each bereavement is different.

One eyed Jack · 24-10-2017 11:51PM

Eric_Noon wrote: »

Hi all,

I'm new to boards and this is my very first post, I attended funeral this week as a friend of my mothers had passed away unfortunately. After the mass was over I was stood outside speaking with a couple of women, to my surprise one of the women said "Its always worse when the mother dies in a family, they're the glue that holds everything together" at the time i just agreed and didn't think much of it but of course this statement started to eat away at me later on in the day.

This comment didn't offend me but I really disagree wth what this woman said. with all this said I would love to hear any opinions or family experiences where this was or wasn't the case!

Thanks,
E

Given the context, and the circumstances, I can see how the woman's sentiments would be perfectly understandable. I would say it's absolutely true in more cases than it isn't, particularly in matriarchal societies like Ireland.

4Ad · 24-10-2017 11:53PM

My father is coping quite ok without my poor Mother. I dont think my Mother would of being able to live without my Dad quite so well though.

Eric_Noon · 24-10-2017 11:55PM

Many thanks for the replies, I completely understand that if you 2/3 kids between the ages of say 1-10 that losing the mother in that family would be potentially worse for the children but in my experience mothers and fathers are pretty equal these days...apart from the whole giving birth part...so I really don't see how a child/children would be worse affected by losing their mother over their father. I know when I was a kid growing up I would have been equally devastated if my mother or father had died

suicide_circus · 24-10-2017 11:57PM

eviltwin wrote: »

Most families I know regardless of age, the mother would be the linchpin. That's not to say the fathers are unimportant or that the loss of the mother is worse, both are equally as tragic, but perhaps the impact is more keenly felt when the mother is no longer around particularly in relationships where the mother is the primary carer.

But that would suggest that men and women, on the whole, are different and gravitate towards different roles.

Eric_Noon · 24-10-2017 11:57PM

One eyed Jack wrote: »

Given the context, and the circumstances, I can see how the woman's sentiments would be perfectly understandable. I would say it's absolutely true in more cases than it isn't, particularly in matriarchal societies like Ireland.

I understand what you're saying but in my experience with family's where the parents are from their late 20's to 40's I just cant see how this would be the case.

jimbobaloobob · 25-10-2017 12:00AM

Eric_Noon wrote: »

I understand what you're saying but in my experience with family's where the parents are from their late 20's to 40's I just cant see how this would be the case.

Depends whose helping to steer them and guide them during those years 20-40 even though they are adults people still like to have a safe space to bounce ideas or seek reassurance especially if they havent yet found their own partner.

One eyed Jack · 25-10-2017 12:14AM

Eric_Noon wrote: »

I understand what you're saying but in my experience with family's where the parents are from their late 20's to 40's I just cant see how this would be the case.

I suppose it depends on how you'd define family, like one parent families for example, the one parent is overwhelming the child or children's mother. Two parent families would have been far more common certainly if you're in the 40+ bracket and grew up in those times, and while the vast majority of families in Ireland are still two parent families, the whole dynamics of how a family is recognised in society are changing - blended families and same-sex parent families.

It's worth noting too that the Irish Constitution still recognises the woman's special place in the home, and that the State only recognises the formation of the institution of the family through marriage. That has significant implications for the welfare of children in families where the parents aren't married to each other, and for children in one parent families.

Personally, I don't foresee a time when the division of labour in the vast majority of families will actually mean that the numbers of men will even come close to, let alone equal the number of women who choose to work in the home and maintain the family home.

Eric_Noon · 25-10-2017 12:14AM

I guess it must be down to each family, but given my life experiences I thought that it was an unfair blanket statement to make. My mother and father are both very equal in my mind, there are certain things i'm comfortable saying to my mother and my father respectively. When my grandad on my mothers side passed away my granny did not cope well at all... it was evident that it was in fact my Grandad ho was the 'glue' that held the family together. on my fathers side whilst the situation is different it's clear to me that it is my grandad who is the 'glue' also, I've certainly seen a few situations with friends family's where the mother is the boss, but I have also seen where the father is the boss...so that's why I am confused...would it be fair to say that it was an unfair blanket statement to make?

jimbobaloobob · 25-10-2017 12:17AM

Eric_Noon wrote: »

I guess it must be down to each family, but given my life experiences I thought that it was an unfair blanket statement to make. My mother and father are both very equal in my mind, there are certain things i'm comfortable saying to my mother and my father respectively. When my grandad on my mothers side passed away my granny did not cope well at all... it was evident that it was in fact my Grandad ho was the 'glue' that held the family together. on my fathers side whilst the situation is different it's clear to me that it is my grandad who is the 'glue' also, I've certainly seen a few situations with friends family's where the mother is the boss, but I have also seen where the father is the boss...so that's why I am confused...would it be fair to say that it was an unfair blanket statement to make?

i think its a biased statement made in relation to one individual quite possibly by someone that knew her or associated with her more than the father figure in that household. so to take it out of context and generalise doesnt seem right.

retro:electro · 25-10-2017 12:43AM

This would be the case for me, as it would for most of the people I know. But I'd be wary of making a generalised statement about how it's always worse when a mother dies.
It's not always true for every home.

JupiterKid · 25-10-2017 01:29AM

I lost my mother when I was just 15. She died suddenly at the age of 46 of a massive heart attack. It was extremely traumatic for my family and we were all completely devastated but my Dad was very strong and resourceful and we held together as a family.

So, for each family it is different. It also depends on where in the family cycle the death of the mother takes place at. The earlier, generally the worse it is.

25-10-2017 01:41AM

wakka12 wrote: »

Of course not every family is like this. But more often than not the children of a family are closer to their mother, confide in her more, and would have spent more of their life being cared for by their mother than their father often due to work reasons.
Of most families I know Id agree with her that the mother is the glue that holds the family together

elperello wrote: »

I think it's fairly common for older people.
I imagine the roots lie in an understanding of the special bond between mother and child that exists in no other human relationship..

I was 24 when my mother passed away and I was very close to her. I was far from a child obviously.
Over the following years I've become very close to my Dad, and we were never on anything but great terms anyway.

Outlaw Pete · 25-10-2017 01:50AM

It's worst when the parent who is the most trustworthy, loving and least critical goes.

Could be of either gender I suppose.

Sam Quentin · 25-10-2017 01:53AM

I think in a sympathetic and empathetic way towards how you feel and small pieces of guilt and what not!? like thinking about all your Mum has done for you and the sacrifices she made in her life for you etc etc .. then it can seem that a Mothers death is the 'worst' and certainly most hurtful death in a family.

But at the end of the day she is a Mother and she will(quite rightly argue)that a son or daughters death is by far the worst!?

_Dara_ · 25-10-2017 01:58AM

Just sounds like a funeral platitude. I wouldn't read too much into it.

Sam Quentin · 25-10-2017 02:05AM

_Dara_ wrote: »

Just sounds like a funeral platitude. I wouldn't read too much into it.

True in a way.
As long as she's 100% sure none of those people listening had lost a child.
But again as you say funeral platitude not meaning any harm.

SafeSurfer · 25-10-2017 02:08AM

I just find it annoying that you said I was stood outside instead of I was standing outside.

_Dara_ · 25-10-2017 02:12AM

Sam Quentin wrote: »

True in a way.
As long as she's 100% sure none of those people listening had lost a child.
But again as you say funeral platitude not meaning any harm.

Funerals are tricky. There’s small talk required at the ‘standing around’ parts but with an added element of awkwardness because you can’t exactly be flippant or over-jovial. So people can say all kinds of crap at funerals, often out of awkwardness or a loss of anything else to say. The woman that uttered it might not even have really meant it.

JupiterKid · 25-10-2017 02:58AM

_Dara_ wrote: »

Funerals are tricky. There’s small talk required at the ‘standing around’ parts but with an added element of awkwardness because you can’t exactly be flippant or over-jovial. So people can say all kinds of crap at funerals, often out of awkwardness or a loss of anything else to say. The woman that uttered it might not even have really meant it.

With death and grief, I think the worst part is after the funeral, after all the friends, relatives and neighbours come to visit and gather and console you and your family members and all the hustle and bustle dies away. Then you are left on your own to grieve. I found this the case for both my mother and much later, my father’s passing.

_Dara_ · 25-10-2017 03:07AM

JupiterKid wrote: »

With death and grief, I think the worst part is after the funeral, after all the friends, relatives and neighbours come to visit and gather and console you and your family members and all the hustle and bustle dies away. Then you are left on your own to grieve. I found this the case for both my mother and much later, my father’s passing.

This doesn’t compare to your story as both my parents are still here but I keenly remember not knowing what to do with myself after returning to my house after my grandfather’s funeral a decade ago. The days before and of the funeral had been such a whirlwind of activity and I had a few days off before returning to college. It was an eerie sort of restlessness.

DEFTLEFTHAND · 25-10-2017 03:54AM

My mum was very abusive but i still always looked to her for love and affection. A natural instinct. She wasn't all bad also , somethings she held me and cried apologising. she's my mother and ill cry when she goes to her grave. When my boy was born I was terrified of him, i had no instinsct for him , i didn't even know how to hold him. My partner his mum who was just as inexperienced as I was possessed a natural instinct.

Its always worse when the mother dies in a family

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