Afraid my friend's gf is controlling

Big Bag of Chips · 21-10-2017 08:18AM

... Also, aren't you working abroad, OP? I think I remember from previous threads that you originally found it difficult to make friends. So now it would seem your new colleague has moved to the area bringing his gf and she is finding it difficult to make friends. Would you not, having been in that position yourself, offer to show her around, go out together? It seems you've sort of bonded with him, you say you've been getting closer, and now this woman that you simply know nothing about is a threat to your relationship with him. So your first reaction is to get closer to him and try to alienate her.

Not cool!

retro:electro · 21-10-2017 08:21AM

Why wouldn't you invite him over and ask him to bring his girlfriend?

The Young Wan · 21-10-2017 08:22AM

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

.<Snip> No need to repost an entire post. It just clogs the thread with duplicate text and makes life difficult for users browsing on the touch site

That is an option. I've never met her to be honest, she doesn't work with us and most of my friend circle here does. But I could I guess invite out her out for a coffee. Would that be a little strange though?

Tom Mann Centuria · 21-10-2017 08:22AM

The Young Wan wrote: »

<Snip> No need to repost an entire post. It just clogs the thread with duplicate text and makes life difficult for users browsing on the touch site

People use others as an excuse for not going out, easier for them to say "no thanks, my significant other doesn't like me going out" rather than "no, I don't really like socialising with others outside of work, I'm quite happy with my own company". Reading between lines it looks like he isn't working away so probably less need to go out with work colleagues too.

The Young Wan · 21-10-2017 08:25AM

Tom Mann Centuria wrote: »

<Snip> No need to repost an entire post. It just clogs the thread with duplicate text and makes life difficult for users browsing on the touch site

If you mean working away from home, he is. He's from Italy. His girlfriend is from this country, but a different state.

Big Bag of Chips · 21-10-2017 08:31AM

So you invite him over, he says no his gf would say he can't leave her alone because she knows nobody (sounds like a line) and your immediate reaction is his gf is controlling, not "sure why not bring her along too, she can get to know a few people".

You've been in that position, OP, you know what it's like being new to an area and struggling to meet people. If you have no feelings for him at all then it's unusual that your first reaction was how to get him out of this terrible relationship rather than how to integrate his gf more into the social circle.

The Young Wan · 21-10-2017 08:35AM

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

So you invite him over, he says no his gf would say he can't leave her alone because she knows nobody (sounds like a line) and your immediate reaction is his gf is controlling, not "sure why not bring her along too, she can get to know a few people"

I see your point. Would it be odd to ask her out by herself on a Friday/Saturday? Considering that I've not met Her yet

Old Perry · 21-10-2017 08:42AM

The Young Wan wrote: »

At the moment I am dàting a girl, so No, I'm not interested in starting anything with him.

I don't regularly text him outside work. Maybe every couple of days.

We both work away from home, and in this job it's regular for work colleagues to hang out outside work hours as it's not a job in Ireland. Everyone is away from home, so it's somewhat of a coping method. I've asked him on Thursday did he want to come join us last night, and he said no as she probably wouldn't have allowed him to come. That really set off alarm bells.

Stay well away??? You're getting an awful lot of flack for being concerned for a friend. Since when is it friendship to ignore a friends problems for fear of your own reputation.

I think you're right to to be concerned, if he is distressed then you can do little wrong by making a bit of extra time for him, listening and offering your own experience.

Big Bag of Chips · 21-10-2017 08:42AM

Yes it would be odd. If you all socialise together why not invite him, with her, out the next night you're going out. Seriously, The Young Wan, is this really such a foreign idea to you?! You don't need to be texting him outside of work. You don't need to invite him to your house. Just do normal things that normal colleagues who don't know each other very well do. Go out for a few hours on a Friday after work.

You're really over complicating something very very simple.

Tom Mann Centuria · 21-10-2017 08:42AM

Knowing someone 3 months is an acquaintance or work colleague at most imo, certainly not a friend who you should be badgering to come out when they appear to have zero interest in doing so.

He is obviously not too far from his girlfriend that he can spend time with her, so why would he want to spend it with people he's known for just three months?

The Young Wan · 21-10-2017 08:46AM

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You don't need to invite him to your house.

This has come up f a few times so I want to clear it. I didn't invite him to meet the new co-worker on his team. He himself asked if he could come over.

Mickeroo · 21-10-2017 08:48AM

The Young Wan wrote: »

I see your point. Would it be odd to ask her out by herself on a Friday/Saturday? Considering that I've not met Her yet

It would be very odd indeed.

frogstar · 21-10-2017 08:53AM

Mickeroo wrote: »

It would be very odd indeed.

Exactly if I was the gf and a colleague of my bf asked me out separately id run a mile. Odd

Nothing from your posts suggest she is controllin or that he is not happy . Actually you are coming across as the controlling one.

They seem perfectly happy. Just leave it. I get the impression he doesn't want to hurt your feelings and is using the gf as an excuse. Also the three of you are different nationalities, things could be getting lost I'm translation

Rekop dog · 21-10-2017 08:56AM

The Young Wan wrote: »

I shop in my own section so that's really not the reason here.

Considering you've had recent posts about liking and dating guys this very much comes across as you seeing how the thread was going here and attempting to throw people off the obvious conclusion.

I'm not doubting you also date women but you put this across like they are your sole interest.

For what's it worth it's still really obvious what the issue in this thread is.

amtc · 21-10-2017 08:59AM

Mickeroo wrote: »

It would be very odd indeed.

I agree.

I really think you're over complicating matters, and becoming over invested. Just leave it as an open invitation for the two of them to meet. Alternatively is there an occasion coming up where you could have a get together? What about an impromptu Halloween party? A birthday?

If you're as a good a friend ... which I still think is impossible in a few months...as you seem to think you are he'd like two important people to meet. Maybe is being controlled. Or maybe likes you himself and is playing sympathy card. The point is you just don't know. He's a big boy who works away from home. He doesn't need a rescuer.

Big Bag of Chips · 21-10-2017 09:53AM

The Young Wan wrote: »

I don't regularly text him outside work. Maybe every couple of days.

That's regularly.

Ursus Horribilis · 21-10-2017 01:02PM

The Young Wan wrote: »

That is an option. I've never met her to be honest, she doesn't work with us and most of my friend circle here does. But I could I guess invite out her out for a coffee. Would that be a little strange though?

In general, do you have difficulty with grasping the nuances of how people interact with each other? Because one minute you're sort of isolating this guy and excluding his girlfriend, next thing you're talking about inviting her out for a coffee on her own. It doesn't matter whether she works with you or not. It is very odd that only this guy is being invited and not his girlfriend. No wonder she's not happy. They're a couple and couples come in twos. It can be a buzz kill at times, I'll admit, but once you get to a certain age that's how this works.

If this guy is unhappy in his relationship and "wants out", then he knows what to do.

Hrududu · 21-10-2017 01:15PM

The Young Wan wrote: »

Would it be odd to ask her out by herself on a Friday/Saturday? Considering that I've not met Her yet

I don't think anyone suggested that. I think people are suggesting that instead of inviting just him for drinks you invite them both.

The Young Wan · 21-10-2017 02:44PM

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

In general, do you have difficulty with grasping the nuances of how people interact with each other?

Yes. I have autism. So I apologise, I thought that was the right thing to do.

December2012 · 21-10-2017 03:42PM

You don't need to socialise with her by herself, but you could have invited her around with her boyfriend. I can't see why you didn't tbh?

The Young Wan · 21-10-2017 04:03PM

December2012 wrote: »

You don't need to socialise with her by herself, but you could have invited her around with her boyfriend. I can't see why you didn't tbh?

As í said earlier. I didn't invite him. He asked to come over.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 21-10-2017 04:33PM

Honestly I'd be wary of this guy OP. Maybe there's a cultural element here but it would generally be considered inappropriate to
vent about your partner to a new colleague. Is he aware of your autism?

You seem to have gotten very close, very fast and now he's pulling the ol' "my girlfriend is awful" routine. The cynic in me is seeing a tale as old as time.

amtc · 21-10-2017 04:47PM

My thoughts exactly. A case of divide and conquer.

OP you sound very vulnerable, over invested, somewhat confused about sexuality and lonely (given previous posts) plus now we have the autism thing. When you first mentioned this I had the (somewhat uncharitable) thought that your story keeps changing with drip fed information but thinking about it it makes sense. Who would think it was a good idea to invite a complete stranger out whom they hadn't met? It's not a social norm. If he was that bothered about her being lonely he would have organised a meet up for all of you or asked if you would bring her shopping/get nails done etc. Instead go to your house under auspices of work

But if he makes you think she's awkward and plays the martyr, he's done a fine job on you

Afraid my friend's gf is controlling

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