Another one bites the dust

osarusan · 18-10-2017 05:35PM

Why don't you just say that you'd like to meet up during the week sometimes and see each other more in general and go out together more in general, and see how he reacts to that?

Rather than just assuming the worst about his intentions/feelings, why not try and find out?

Worst case scenario - you end up deleting his number, just as you did anyway.

Better case scenario - you find out that he doesn't feel like you think he might, and there turns out to be life in the relationship.

EDIT: Never mind, seems like it's all over anyway.

ibarelycare · 18-10-2017 05:37PM

osarusan wrote: »

Why don't you just say that you'd like to meet up during the week sometimes and see each other more in general and go out together more in general, and see how he reacts to that?

Rather than just assuming the worst about his intentions/feelings, why not try and find out?

Worst case scenario - you end up deleting his number, just as you did anyway.

Better case scenario - you find out that he doesn't feel like you think he might, and there turns out to be life in the relationship.

She already text him and he didn't reply. She has her answer.

Sorry it didn't work out OP. At least you got some good sex out of it

Big Bag of Chips · 18-10-2017 07:01PM

If you're interested in more than just a FWB set up, then show a bit more interest in more than just a FWB set up from beginning. By your own admission you had a mutual attraction, yet you held back. You didn't contact him unless he contacted you, and your replies were brief.

If you were in his shoes, what would you be thinking? He is now treating you much as you treated him for the duration of your "relationship" and you're all pissed off and deciding he's not interested and only wanted one thing.

Maybe he was after one thing. Maybe he got what he wanted and wanted no more. Maybe he really liked you but (much like you) isn't a mind reader and didn't realise you actually really did like him.

I think you need to let this one go, but maybe next time if you really like someone, let them know. Having "walls" up and not showing much interest might stop you from getting too invested and ultimately hurt, but it's also likely to stop the fella getting too invested either.

LegacyUser · 18-10-2017 09:41PM

Guys, thanks for the advice but in retrospect I've really recognised a few things and it had nothing to do with me or how I acted. This guy was a sexual deviant really but because he was tal, dark and handsome I fell for it. Alarm bells rang from day one which is why I had my guard up and was hesitant with texts, I didn't trust him. Looking back it's so evident and obvious but I was slightly blinded. Now I see. This is what happened:

I was in a bar dancing.. a very drunk girl was dancing near me, like falling over drunk. This guy came over and started hitting on her. A different guy who turned out to be her partner took her away. The guy who had been hitting on her then came over to me. This is the guy in question. He was in a bar at closing time.. alone.. hitting on the drunkest girl there. Alarm bell numero uno.

Yes, admittedly I went home with him but in my head, it was a one night stand which I wanted. He asked me for my number next day and acted very interested for the following few days. I asked him if he wanted to go to the cinema. He said how about you come to my place instead? Alaram bell number two. I said no... so he RELUCTANTLY came to the cinema with me. The minute the movie ended, he asked to come back to mine. I said no.. he said, and I quote, even just for 5 minutes?

I know at this stage the writing is on teh wall but when you fancy someone you don't see clearly sometimes. He'd then text me sweet messages and ask how my sister is etc. He'd ask about things I'd said I was doing, meetings at work etc. I was fooled.

Third 'date' he comes over to mine for dinner. I had spent loads on ingredients and bought fancy wine etc. He arrives, says you look so hot and we have sex. Date over. Barely touch the food. He says its cos im so sexy etc. We stay in bed. He shows me childhood photos, facebook pictures, we watch a movie, all sweet. UGhhhh even writing this now my skin crawls. He asks me for anal sex. I say no.. he leaves.

Date four.. dinner in a restaurant.. he says lets just go before the food even arrives. I ask whats wrong he claims he just 'has to have me'. We go back to his.. idiot me in retrospect.. he asks again for anal sex. I say no and I leave. He messages saying really sweet things, asking about my family etc. I know how obvious it sounds to all of you but when you're inside it, it really is hard to see at times.

Won't bore you any further but you can surely see why I had my guard up and stuff. He acted one minute like I was so desirable he couldn't stop himself, the next minute he was asking me to a family event, the next he was asking to come on my face. Ridiculous and there it is folks. Take from this what you will but I'm a very smart girl, highly intuitive but reason went out the window with him. I'm a good looking girl who attracts alot of attention so I was just thought at first he was another lad who was into me. I'm not big headed..clearly, just want to give you folks the full picture.

Feels so good writing that all down. I hate any guy who hits on a very drunk girl so that should have been the moment I walked when I saw him do that.I hated it but then he charmed me and I was tipsy and went with it. Ugh!!!

GuessWhoEh · 18-10-2017 10:40PM

Arcadefiredup wrote: »

While I appreciate your advice, you're assuming an awful lot about me! We met in a bar and got on really well. We hung out the following day for hours. I wasn't expecting much to happen but he called me later on that day and we arranged a cinema date that week. We also went our for dinner ans were getting on really well. There was a huge attraction on both sides it seemed and it was slowly blossoming. I don't think you should text too much at the start or let people in too easily so I had a bit of a guard up but I was staring to really like him as a person.

I think he simply wasn't that into me or was for a while but lost interest or met someone else. He hasn't done anything wrong and either have I. I feel fine now, I was a bit down when I wrote my initial post as I sensed he was pulling back a bit but it's not that big a deal. I don't think meeting once a week is bad at the begining, you're just getting to know each other. I don't think you can demand too much of someone's time which is why I wasn't bombarding him with texts.

He wasn't into me despite acting like he was and that's fine. we had two months of great sex but that's all it was and nothing I coulda said or done would have changed that. It wasn't my behaviour. If he was truly into me, he'd be contacting me, simple as.

Looking back, he'd ask me very sexually explicit things and to do very sexually taboo acts but I figured... ok, he's a kinky guy. It rang a few alarm bells and I shoulda listened. I'm talking things you only see in p*rn movies which I'm cool with btw but generally that leads to a sex only situation unless you're in a relationship.

I had deleted his number but it was in my call logs. I have now deleted it from everywhere!

Thanks again everyone, it helps to talk things through on here and get varying perspectives.

I swear you’ve just described my ex hahaha!

nikkibikki · 19-10-2017 07:41AM

Well in light of all that, sounds like you need to go the whole hog and block him from your phone!

Just to reiterate, you are not an idiot. Hindsight is a great thing and it's easy to get caught up in the moment and brush things off as innocent. You've had time to reflect now and you can see things clearer. Well done on that and letting your gut instincts speak up.

Icepick · 19-10-2017 08:35AM

You said the sex was great so how is he a deviant

LegacyUser · 19-10-2017 09:45AM

Icepick wrote: »

You said the sex was great so how is he a deviant

The sex was great, it was very wild and animalistic but I think any man hitting on a girl so wasted she can barely stand up is pretty creepy. Also a guy hanging around a bar by himself scoping the dancefloor doesn't actually scream gentleman. Plus asking a girl back to his apartment on a second date and asking for anal sex is pervy.

I slept with him despite knowing the above because sometimes when you're really attracted to someone you overlook their flaws and ignore warning signs.

I'm not saying he's a bad guy, he isn't but he's definitely not someone I'd want to be with or would want any of my friends to be with. I see his true colours now.

You're also the guy who said hilarious over reaction by me but it wasn't at all. I was bang on the money about this guy.

LegacyUser · 19-10-2017 01:16PM

nikkibikki wrote: »

Well in light of all that, sounds like you need to go the whole hog and block him from your phone!

Just to reiterate, you are not an idiot. Hindsight is a great thing and it's easy to get caught up in the moment and brush things off as innocent. You've had time to reflect now and you can see things clearer. Well done on that and letting your gut instincts speak up.

Thanks Nikkibikki.. you've been a really great support and made me feel much better. Much appreciated girl

19-10-2017 01:20PM

Arcadefiredup wrote: »

We met in a bar and got on really well. We hung out the following day for hours. I wasn't expecting much to happen but he called me later on that day and we arranged a cinema date that week. We also went our for dinner ans were getting on really well. There was a huge attraction on both sides it seemed and it was slowly blossoming. I don't think you should text too much at the start or let people in too easily so I had a bit of a guard up but I was staring to really like him as a person.

Arcadefiredup wrote: »

I went home with him but in my head, it was a one night stand which I wanted. He asked me for my number next day and acted very interested for the following few days. I asked him if he wanted to go to the cinema. He said how about you come to my place instead? Alaram bell number two. I said no... so he RELUCTANTLY came to the cinema with me. The minute the movie ended, he asked to come back to mine. I said no.. he said, and I quote, even just for 5 minutes?

Third 'date' he comes over to mine for dinner. I had spent loads on ingredients and bought fancy wine etc. He arrives, says you look so hot and we have sex. Date over. Barely touch the food. He says its cos im so sexy etc. We stay in bed. He shows me childhood photos, facebook pictures, we watch a movie, all sweet. UGhhhh even writing this now my skin crawls. He asks me for anal sex. I say no.. he leaves.

Date four.. dinner in a restaurant.. he says lets just go before the food even arrives. I ask whats wrong he claims he just 'has to have me'. We go back to his.. idiot me in retrospect.. he asks again for anal sex. I say no and I leave. He messages saying really sweet things, asking about my family etc. I know how obvious it sounds to all of you but when you're inside it, it really is hard to see at times.

These are two completely different relationships ... posted on the same day.

Bambi985 is clearly correct, he was a fcuk buddy, I don't know why you were so defensive about that.

And for what it's worth, Icepick was also correct because he was responding to the first description of your "relationship".

Yes you were right about him because the second description of your "relationship" was the honest one and posters here can only react/advise based on what they are told.

LegacyUser · 19-10-2017 03:34PM

Deleted User wrote: »

These are two completely different relationships ... posted on the same day.

Bambi985 is clearly correct, he was a fcuk buddy, I don't know why you were so defensive about that.

And for what it's worth, Icepick was also correct because he was responding to the first description of your "relationship".

Yes you were right about him because the second description of your "relationship" was the honest one and posters here can only react/advise based on what they are told.

The reason they seem like two different 'relationships' is because things look different when you take a step back and look at it from the outside. I was caught up in it at the start and although I had doubts, the minute he'd text asking how my day was and how my sister is doing etc, I'd discard my doubts and think wait, maybe he really does like me.

Looking at it now, it was clearly a fcuk buddy set up. I'm not defensive about that at all. I wish I had seen that from the start. Maybe then I would've just relaxed and enjoyed the ride (pun intended) without agonising over where it might be going!!

He messaged earlier saying sorry for leading you on. Can we be friends. I said no... obviously!! No problem with a fwb set up but not with this guy based on all that's happened.

Yellow pack crisps · 20-10-2017 07:12AM

Arcadefiredup wrote: »

The sex was great, it was very wild and animalistic but I think any man hitting on a girl so wasted she can barely stand up is pretty creepy. Also a guy hanging around a bar by himself scoping the dancefloor doesn't actually scream gentleman. Plus asking a girl back to his apartment on a second date and asking for anal sex is pervy.

I slept with him despite knowing the above because sometimes when you're really attracted to someone you overlook their flaws and ignore warning signs.

I'm not saying he's a bad guy, he isn't but he's definitely not someone I'd want to be with or would want any of my friends to be with. I see his true colours now.

You're also the guy who said hilarious over reaction by me but it wasn't at all. I was bang on the money about this guy.

You weren't bang on the money, in fact you weren't bang on anything. You wanted to continue dating this guy, it was him who ignored you. Forget about the guy anyway, work on your own issues.

QueenRizla · 20-10-2017 10:17AM

Arcadefiredup wrote: »

Guys, thanks for the advice but in retrospect I've really recognised a few things and it had nothing to do with me or how I acted. This is the guy in question. He was in a bar at closing time.. alone.. hitting on the drunkest girl there. Alarm bell numero uno.

Yes, admittedly I went home with him.
so he RELUCTANTLY came to the cinema with me. The minute the movie ended, he asked to come back to mine. I said no.. he said, and I quote, even just for 5 minutes?

I had spent loads on ingredients and bought fancy wine etc. He arrives, says you look so hot and we have sex. Date over. Barely touch the food.
He asks me for anal sex. I say no.. he leaves.

Date four.. dinner in a restaurant.. he says lets just go before the food even arrives.

OP I'm sorry and I'll probably get hammered by this or accused of victim blaming or something, but this has everything to do with you and the choices YOU are making for yourself. You are absolutely all over the place, its actually a bit shocking! You went home with a guy as his second choice to a girl who couldn't stand she was so drunk?? Jesus.
Honestly, I am all for one night stands and not judging and you say you are a good looking girl, so why on earth would he appeal to you in any way, scoping out the dancefloor for the drunkest girl?? That is disgusting! You justify it by saying he was good looking! Really? that is having very low standards for yourself.
I cannot believe the behavior you tolerated, and in the beginning of this thread you kind of painted it as loves young dream with a small communication problem. Boyfriend material vs Sexual deviant, not sure what you are going to tell yourself in each post.

OP you have very low standards for Yourself and you need to work on that. Please be single for a while and do some reflection about that. Think about what you want and don't settle for less. Honestly what you describe above may seem ok to some but I find it shocking. Leaving a restaurant before the food arrived is bad manners, I would be livid and would not have budged. You are so easily flattered and a bit desperate for male attention. I am not saying that to be rude, just really think about your motivations.

Nothing about this situation had the signs of a blossoming relationship, and people might shot me down and say it did, it absolutely didn't. I am a bit older than you and have plenty of serious and casual relationship experience, take it from me that guy would not make the grade for a casual FB situation for anyone who valued themselves, never mind thinking it might go somewhere.

You need to start being searingly honest with yourself, because you seem to be very easily deluded. Forget about him, you projected an awful lot of ridiculous hopes onto him instead of honestly seeing him for what he was, you will keep doing that to unsuitable guys unless you take a long hard look at yourself.

osarusan · 20-10-2017 10:37AM

As other people have pointed out, the way you originally portrayed him, the nature of the relationship, and your feelings about it ending, are completely different to how you have done in later posts.

It actually reads like, now that he has stopped contacting you, you have decided to retrospectively paint a picture of him as a nasty character so you can be glad that he is not in your life any more.

LegacyUser · 20-10-2017 12:09PM

osarusan wrote: »

As other people have pointed out, the way you originally portrayed him, the nature of the relationship, and your feelings about it ending, are completely different to how you have done in later posts.

It actually reads like, now that he has stopped contacting you, you have decided to retrospectively paint a picture of him as a nasty character so you can be glad that he is not in your life any more.

I never said he was a nasty character, in fact I said he's not a bad guy and he did nothing wrong. I stand by that. He wanted sex and nothing more and he got it. Nothing wrong with that. He hasn't stopped contacting me either, he messaged me all day yesterday asking me to change my mind and I said no.

The reason as I've already explained that it seems like two different relationships is because at the start I overlooked all the red flags. I knew deep down this was going nowhere but he'd text me asking how my day was and I'd convince myself he must be into me.. guys only message if they're interested.. right? He messaged first thing in the morning, lunchtime he'd take photos of his food,, night time he'd message. He acted interested. At the same time, we'd meet and watch a movie then f*ck. It was purely sexual but I didn't see that at the start.
He's not a nasty character but I do think him hitting on that wasted girl was creepy and I asked him about it afterwards. I also found it odd he was alone in a bar hanging around the dance floor. Again, I ignored it because he's so hot. I never said he's nasty and he isn't. I'm sure he'll be a great partner to a girl he's actually into. That girl isn't me. I don't care!! I was down about this for about two days. I'm fine now! It was a fleeting sexual fling, that's it. I see that now!!

Bambi985 · 20-10-2017 03:00PM

I'd agree with the above. Your initial post may as well have been written about a different person OP. From Mr Dreamy that you liked "more than most guys" to a sexual deviant in one fell swoop. How does that happen?

It's ok to retrospectively realise something about someone, but to go from gushing about the amazing sex you're having with some guy who you're wildly attracted to, to him being a sexual deviant that treats women like sh1t suggests issues beyond the guy himself. Being honest with yourself - are you usually easily led by guys you're attracted to or that show you sexual attention? How is your dating life generally?

It's not on you to answer these questions on this thread, but if I were you I'd be doing some introspection to see what behaviours and beliefs about yourself led you down this path with this guy, as nothing about your relationship and subsequent jump in beliefs about him sounds emotionally healthy or normal.

LegacyUser · 20-10-2017 03:23PM

Bambi985 wrote: »

I'd agree with the above. Your initial post may as well have been written about a different person OP. From Mr Dreamy that you liked "more than most guys" to a sexual deviant in one fell swoop. How does that happen?

It's ok to retrospectively realise something about someone, but to go from gushing about the amazing sex you're having with some guy who you're wildly attracted to, to him being a sexual deviant that treats women like sh1t suggests issues beyond the guy himself. Being honest with yourself - are you usually easily led by guys you're attracted to or that show you sexual attention? How is your dating life generally?

It's not on you to answer these questions on this thread, but if I were you I'd be doing some introspection to see what behaviours and beliefs about yourself led you down this path with this guy, as nothing about your relationship and subsequent jump in beliefs about him sounds emotionally healthy or normal.

To be honest, from the moment we met, I knew something was up. When I saw him hanging around the dancefloor by himself and hitting on the wasted girl I thought jesus... he's hitting on a girl who can barely stand up. Asking me for anal sex on our second date was also a flashing bad sign but again, I ignored it. I know I described him as a dreamy guy but that purely my lust for him talking. I liked him more than most guys because I very rarely fancy guys. I can't remember the last time I was into someone. This guys is not a bad guy but I do believe he has sexual issues. He would have taken that wasted girl home and probably had anal sex with her. He was a in a bar by himself. It's very odd in my opinion.

Bambi985 · 20-10-2017 04:01PM

Arcadefiredup wrote: »

To be honest, from the moment we met, I knew something was up. When I saw him hanging around the dancefloor by himself and hitting on the wasted girl I thought jesus... he's hitting on a girl who can barely stand up. Asking me for anal sex on our second date was also a flashing bad sign but again, I ignored it. I know I described him as a dreamy guy but that purely my lust for him talking. I liked him more than most guys because I very rarely fancy guys. I can't remember the last time I was into someone. This guys is not a bad guy but I do believe he has sexual issues. He would have taken that wasted girl home and probably had anal sex with her. He was a in a bar by himself. It's very odd in my opinion.

That's all fair and well, but why have sex with him yourself then? If "something was up" with him from day one, why go home with him again and again and again? I agree, targeting a wasted woman like that is gross, asking for anal sex again and again is a bit off, but why then volunteer as candidate?

The main thing you need to explore is why - if this guy had so many red flags that you're now deeming him some kind of deviant - get involved with him at all? Lust isn't a good enough reason, unless you're a teenager with little to no dating experience. I fancy lots of people, from work colleagues to the gardener at home to the guy with the wife and kids next door, under no circumstances whatsoever would I ever get involved though. Why was he an option, if he's really the worst kind of guy you could meet?

Meauldsegosha · 20-10-2017 04:07PM

Arcadefiredup wrote: »

Asking me for anal sex on our second date was also a flashing bad sign but again, I ignored it.

Asking for anal sex doesn't make him a sexual deviant whether it's on the 2nd date or 20th date.

I have to agree with the other posters are you need to examine your own actions. If he had been available to meet you last Friday, would you have met him and continued to have "amazing sex" with someone who is a sexual deviant? Would you be meeting him again tonight? If yes, then you need to examine why those red flags didn't mean anything to you.

punisher5112 · 20-10-2017 04:17PM

Sounds very like a guy use to work with.

Went out for beers few times and he was in a relationship.

He would go off with anything.

amtc · 20-10-2017 04:25PM

I kind of get where you are coming from...it's probably to self justify your actions and that's fine. He does sound like a guy looking for his next thrill. They're out there, I once met a guy through work and met him on a project for weeks and then he asked me out. Very respectable, but within 20 minutes of one drink he announced he liked anal sex so much he met random men in hotels. He wasn't gay or bi. Just to see what it was like. I'm all for everyone doing what they want to behind closed doors but this was purely for the thrill.

You won't be the first girl nor the last caught by this guy.

Yellow pack crisps · 20-10-2017 05:06PM

Arcadefiredup wrote: »

To be honest, from the moment we met, I knew something was up. When I saw him hanging around the dancefloor by himself and hitting on the wasted girl I thought jesus... he's hitting on a girl who can barely stand up. Asking me for anal sex on our second date was also a flashing bad sign but again, I ignored it. I know I described him as a dreamy guy but that purely my lust for him talking. I liked him more than most guys because I very rarely fancy guys. I can't remember the last time I was into someone. This guys is not a bad guy but I do believe he has sexual issues. He would have taken that wasted girl home and probably had anal sex with her. He was a in a bar by himself. It's very odd in my opinion.

Whether he was a creep or not is open to debate. You're really trying to justify to yourself why you went home with him and clung onto the idea that it would go anywhere. I'm not having a go at you at all btw. I think maybe you have self esteem issues that need a closer life look at. You obviously felt something was off the whole time and yet you ignored every feeling your gut was giving you and on some level you liked it but in hindsight you maybe are fearful that you let yourself be put in a position like this. That's probably something you should look at.

wirelessdude01 · 20-10-2017 06:22PM

OP, take a step back and look at how your opinion of this guy has changed since the start of the thread. You are clearly now painting him in a bad light to make yourself feel better about the situation. Painting him as a sexual deviant may on the surface make you feel better initially but really is a subliminal way of deflecting away from the serious issue of how you feel about yourself.

You really need to take a step back from any form of emotional or sexual relationship and decide what it is that you are looking for or want from future relationships. Without doing this, situations like the above will most likely reoccur.

Big Bag of Chips · 20-10-2017 08:51PM

Yeah, in your eyes he seemed to only become some sort of bad guy when he didn't reply to your text. As someone else asked, if he had been available last weekend, or if he'd replied this week would you still be meeting up with him? Because according to your first post, you thought it was all going great.

Arcadefiredup wrote: »

I met this guy a few weeks ago and we really hit it off. We have a lot in common and it's been going great...

....this guy seemed like the real deal.

....So frustrating as I really liked him.

If you saw him hitting on the drunkest girl there and thought he was a creep, why did you pay him any attention when he got nowhere with her?

Of course if you just fancied a one night stand, or whatever then of course that's your prerogative. But your description of him now that he's effectively dumped you, is very different to that of when you first described him.

It's almost as if you have to now talk him down to save your own hurt feelings of actually really falling for a guy and having him move on after a short time.

You both had a consensual sexual relationship. He asked for specific things, you declined, he didn't force the issue. For any number of reasons you weren't compatible, and it ended. It's not his fault. It's not yours. But I think people are trying to advise you to look to what it was that made you decide to go home and pursue/continue a relationship with someone who you now claim was a creep from the get go.

LegacyUser · 21-10-2017 12:51AM

Ok.. let's wrap this up. I can answer the consensual question here.. whic seems to be why did I go home with a 'creep' etc. Everyone seems to think that I'm hurt and justifying why I went home with him and I can see how it looks like that but it really isn't. I'm not painting him as a bad guy because he backed out. I'm not hurt and trying to make myself feel better. I sincerely amn't. I know exactly why I went home with him despite warning signs and I know exactly why I continued to sleep with him. It's actually very very simple. <Snip> The rest of this post is not what is considered PI standard posting. So I've snipped it prior to approving the post. As you mentioned wrapping it up in your first line we will lock the thread.

Another one bites the dust

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