Another one bites the dust

LegacyUser

Hello Boardsies and Happy Friday!

I met this guy a few weeks ago and we really hit it off. We have a lot in common and it's been going great, or so I thought until last night.

Since we first met, we've been in contact every day. Not loads of messages by any means but one or two mostly instigated by him (I'm not a big text/phone person). We've been meeting up once a week, sex is amazing and we really connect. I have my guard up quire firmly like most people due to past hurts and was just starting to let it fall as this guy seemed like the real deal.

usually if we're meeting it's on Friday nigh and we'll arrange it on say Wednesday but this week I hadn't heard from him so asked him last night if he was free tonight. He replied and no, busy all weekend. No explanation, no offering of an alternative date, no asking what I had in mind.

We haven't had the exclusive talk and it's a bit too soon for that so I don't know if he's dating other people. We met in a pub btw, not online but I know that he was and possibly still is on tinder as we apparently matched months ago.

I just feel like, if he knew he was away all weekend, why didn't arrange to see me during the week instead. I then started really thinking about it and it all became clear. We only ever meet once a week despite living really near to each other. We hang out, watch a movie, have sex and then spend the rest of our weekends separate. We never meet during the week, ever. No cinema, no meals out, no meeting for lunch. It's just once at the weekend.

I feel now like the writing is on the wall. He couldn't care that much if he's not bothered about seeing me. Am I over reacting? All i said to him was cool, enjoy. He doesn't know how I feel now because frankly, he hasn't asked and I really don't think he'd care.

I've deleted his number and in my head it's now done. So frustrating as I really liked him. Why was he messaging me every day? I guess it's easy to send a text. I reckon he was keeping me sweet, enjoying sex on tap and actively looking for someone else.

Any thoughts on this?

Thanks guys.

GuessWhoEh

Move on. It seems to me it was just for one thing. Sex. You deserve a lot more than that. Don't invest if they aren't willing to put the work in.

LegacyUser

Yeah. I've deleted his number now and ignored his last message.

I just don't get it. He seemed really into it, although looking back, he seemed really into the sex, as was I. We got on really well too and I enjoyed his company but sex was always at the forefront. Nothing wrong with that if that's what you're both after but I'm not looking for just sex at this stage.

Weird how last week and every other week he'd ask about my weekend plans and ask if I wanted to come over for dinner and then this week, nothing. Very annoying but I'm wise enough to know that a change in pattern or behaviour usually spells the end.

How come sometimes these short little relationships hurt more than long term ones when they end too!!

nikkibikki

Maybe he was waiting for you to instigate your next date and was a bit annoyed that you left it til last minute? Do you want to see him mid week for cinema or something? Suggest it if you do!

Or he could have some personal/family stuff going on that he doesn't want to get into on text and seeing as ye only know each other a few weeks? If you don't like texting, ring him maybe?

nikkibikki

Arcadefiredup wrote:

I feel now like the writing is on the wall. He couldn't care that much if he's not bothered about seeing me. Am I over reacting? All i said to him was cool, enjoy. He doesn't know how I feel now because frankly, he hasn't asked and I really don't think he'd care.

Did you ask him how he feels?

Arcadefiredup wrote:

I've deleted his number and in my head it's now done. So frustrating as I really liked him. Why was he messaging me every day? I guess it's easy to send a text. I reckon he was keeping me sweet, enjoying sex on tap and actively looking for someone else.

If you're not into texting and if you weren't replying with the same or similar regularity as he was, that gets tiresome.

Goat the dote

Could he have another relationship on the go?

ibarelycare

You met a few weeks ago, and you've been out every Friday night. So what...you've had 3/4 dates? I think you're investing quite a lot in someone you have only met a handful of times.

LegacyUser

ibarelycare wrote: »

You met a few weeks ago, and you've been out every Friday night. So what...you've had 3/4 dates? I think you're investing quite a lot in someone you have only met a handful of times.

No, we've had a lot more dates than that. I'd say 10 dates and they've been really intimate. We also message on a daily basis.

I hope I'm over reacting and that he messages after the weekend to arrange another date. I guess I'm just very cynical and the world of dating is a scary place these days. You hear so many horror stories about ghosting and people being stood up and all sorts of carry on. It's also very rare that I like anybody and I really really like him.

Nikkibikki... I think you may be right in that I should have instigated more texts and dates and not left it up to him. Thursday night is a bit late for me to ask what he's doing this weekend. I guess if I'd asked him on Wednesday I'd have known and wouldn't feel so let down. I'm an idiot I guess!!

Meauldsegosha

Arcadefiredup wrote: »

We hang out, watch a movie, have sex and then spend the rest of our weekends separate. We never meet during the week, ever. No cinema, no meals out, no meeting for lunch. It's just once at the weekend.

So apart from the night you met in the pub, have you been out on a date with him or is it a "netflix and chill" situation? If it is the latter he probably only interested in sex.

If it is the former and he is initiating all the text/communication and arranging your Friday night "dates" it is understandable if he is backing off. He probably thinks you are only interested in sex.

LegacyUser

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

So apart from the night you met in the pub, have you been out on a date with him or is it a "netflix and chill" situation? If it is the latter he probably only interested in sex.

If it is the former and he is initiating all the text/communication and arranging your Friday night "dates" it is understandable if he is backing off. He probably thinks you are only interested in sex.

Yeah, we've been out for pints a couple of times and he's come over to mine for dinner. Hmm.. I left part of the story out that just occurred to me. I did a bit of a foolish thing about 2 weeks ago. We were drinking wine and talking.. in vino veritas and all of that and I (stupidly in retrospect) said to him that I really like having sex with him and can't imagine a cinema date or any date that wasn't gonna lead to sex. AAhhhh what an idiotic thing to say!! I was a bit drunk and was just saying what I was thinking but there are some thoughts you should absolutely keep to yourself. He just kinda laughed when i said it but yeah.. not my wisest moment and may explain why I'm standing where I'm standing.

LuckyLloyd

You deleted his number without looking to talk it out in any sort of way? And you've reached the worst conclusions about the whole thing?

Bambi985

Arcadefiredup wrote: »

We hang out, watch a movie, have sex and then spend the rest of our weekends separate. We never meet during the week, ever. No cinema, no meals out, no meeting for lunch. It's just once at the weekend.

This is basically what fcuk buddies do. Not two people dating and getting to know each other with a relationship in mind. Have you been having sex since day one? Any non-sexy dates at all?

He's keeping you very separate from his day-to-day life save for a flurry of texts which means nothing really. Texting requires no commitment whatsoever.

I'd never stick around in this kind of situation. I'd advise you to move on and when he inevitably gets horny and comes crawling back, tell him you're not interested in "Netflix and chill" but if he'd like he can take you out on an actual proper date to get to know you properly. That should put the nail in the coffin!

bucketybuck

He texted you most days, but you don't do texts so he had to instigate and when he did he only got a few replies.

You admit you have walls up due to past experiences. Very firmly up I might add.

You only met a few weeks ago and so have only met a few times, on a friday night for sex mainly.

To be honest I'm struggling to see where you actually communicate with this fella? Before deciding that he just wanted sex are you sure you gave him a chance to see anything else? Did you ever contact him and arrange a coffee and chat in the evening? He did contact you, did you ever let any of those messages lead anywhere?

You say that he must not care if he couldn't be bothered seeing you? Have you considered that he might in fact actually be busy this weekend? Or have you considered that he might be thinking the exact same thing, that you must not care if you couldn't be bothered communicating yourself? That you didn't even ask what he was doing?

He told you he was busy this weekend and you deleted his number, do you think thats rational?

I don't know any of the answers but I'll say this, there are plenty of people who will tell you that all men are scum and this guy was just using you for sex and that you are better rid of him. Its not always true, and some of the things you said in your OP suggest its not necessarily true in this case. I think it would be a useful thing to honestly look at what you did, to assume for a few minutes that he was not a scumbag and to wonder what he might think of your behaviors.

witchgirl26

OP when I first started seeing my other half it was quite similar as we were both quite independent so liked having some time together but also time to do our own thing at the weekend. We started seeing each other more frequently after a couple of months when we'd settled into a new routine.

If this is the first time he's said no to a date then I think possible over-reaction. He's busy at the weekend - it happens. And after a few weeks he doesn't necessarily have to explain himself.

Maybe he was just in it for the sex or maybe he is actually busy. The only way you'll know is to actually have a conversation with him about it and not over text.

Katgurl

I agree with you that it does not good (but I could be wrong). I also would have deleted his number just to resist temptation to contact him again. You've already tried to initiate something and he has said no and hasn't suggested anything else. I don't understand the replies here suggesting it's your fault or that you were too invested. I would also be disappointed if something looked like it was starting and then just died. It's a normal reaction IMO. All you can do now is see if he contacts you again.

Be nice to yourself and make some plans for the weekend doing something that makes you happy.

If he likes you, he will be in touch early next week to arrange something. If he does, you could suggest going out and doing something other than netflix and chill. If he likes you as more than a fbuddy, he will go for it.

If he doesn't get in touch, then that is disappointing for sure but unfortunately you are going to have to dust yourself down and get on with it. The dating world can be tough but all you can do is remain optimistic that the right guy will be along at the right time. Also if you think you miss 'him' remind yourself that you have not had an opportunity to get to know the real him. Above all else, do not take this personally. He could have a track record of always cycling girls for six weeks then vanishing before it became anything more.

nikkibikki

Arcadefiredup wrote:

Nikkibikki... I think you may be right in that I should have instigated more texts and dates and not left it up to him. Thursday night is a bit late for me to ask what he's doing this weekend. I guess if I'd asked him on Wednesday I'd have known and wouldn't feel so let down. I'm an idiot I guess!!

No I don't think you are an idiot at all! This could easily be salvageable if you do like him. Lots of guys like to chase and lots like the playing field a bit more even. Gender equality and all that jazz! You could reply and say if he'd like to go to the cinema or something some evening next week, to let you know and see if ye can find a time that suits you both. If you get no response or a no, well then you have your answer for sure. Throw in a "I hope everything is ok with you" also if you want to. The kind of abruptness of his msg could just mean he has something else going on.

nikkibikki

Katgurl wrote:

I agree with you that it does not good (but I could be wrong). I also would have deleted his number just to resist temptation to contact him again. You've already tried to initiate something and he has said no and hasn't suggested anything else. I don't understand the replies here suggesting it's your fault or that you were too invested. I would also be disappointed if something looked like it was starting and then just died. It's a normal reaction IMO. All you can do now is see if he contacts you again.

Absolutely it would be disappointing. But if you look at things from his point of view, if you were doing all the contacting and arranging dates and the person you are seeing never does, would you not get the feeling they aren't that interested in you if they don't make a bit of an effort as well? I'm with my husband since 2004 so I am well out of the dating scene but I know if I left it to him to do all the chasing, we wouldn't be together. I had a friend recently who was seeing a guy who left the arranging up to her and he wouldn't reply til the last minute. She liked him a lot but got tired of the lax attitude.

BetsyEllen

nikkibikki wrote: »

No I don't think you are an idiot at all! This could easily be salvageable if you do like him. Lots of guys like to chase and lots like the playing field a bit more even. Gender equality and all that jazz! You could reply and say if he'd like to go to the cinema or something some evening next week, to let you know and see if ye can find a time that suits you both. If you get no response or a no, well then you have your answer for sure. Throw in a "I hope everything is ok with you" also if you want to. The kind of abruptness of his msg could just mean he has something else going on.

I think this is the best advice on this thread - definitely give him one more text and you'll then know where you stand.

Goat the dote

BetsyEllen wrote: »

I think this is the best advice on this thread - definitely give him one more text and you'll then know where you stand.

Except she’s deleted his number...

nikkibikki

Goat the dote wrote:

Except she’s deleted his number...

Texts are probably still on the phone. Should be easy enough to retrieve anyway if they got deleted too.

FishOnABike

Goat the dote wrote: »

Except she’s deleted his number...

Might be deleted from contacts but the number itself should probably still be in the phone logs.

jimbobalob309

interesting headline "another one bites the dust". is this a common theme in your love life op? maybe it's a common theme in the online dating world i don't know, thought id ask the question tho.
do you find yourself falling quickly for fellas generally? a few wks would be no time in a general sense when it comes to dating, and when you combine your intense feelings with the fact that sex seems to be at the forefront of ur relationship with this lad, it doesn't really paint a picture of a blossoming relationship i have to say.more like a fling that will die as hard as it was born.
go slowly next time would be my advice, dont be quick to jump into bed with guys you met down the pub because It can put your personality and your compatibility on the sidelines as far as exploring the possibilities for something beyond sex to develop

Meauldsegosha

jimbobalob309 wrote: »

maybe it's a common theme in the online dating world i don't know, thought id ask the question tho

The OP said she didn't meet him online so why ask the question.

Big Bag of Chips

I don't know, OP, I think you might have over reacted a bit here. From what you say, he has been the one initiating most of the contact and he has always been the one to start the discussion on plans to meet up. Maybe he got sick of always being the one having to organise everything. Maybe he felt that you weren't that interested in him?

The fact that you just deleted his number without any attempt to see if things were ok or ending shows that you probably weren't/aren't all that interested? (Or else it shows that you don't believe you need the number, because you are expecting him to once again be the one to initiate contact).

You mention that the short relationships can hurt as much as the longer ones when they end. Is this a pattern for you? Do you find yourself in many short relationships that fizzle out quickly? Would you consider being less passive in future? Maybe taking the initiative occasionally and ringing them, or arranging to meet up some evening for a few drinks, or whatever?

It seems like he liked you, always initiated contact, never got much back from you, and you'd show up once a week for sex. And now that he's not available this week for sex, you've deleted his number.

If you are in a loop of relationships all ending the same way, maybe it's time to look at the common factor in all these relationships, your behaviour.

Icepick

Hilarious overreaction by OP.

It's all over in your mind because he didn't have every weekend free for you? How about you just talk about it with him like an adult.

GuessWhoEh wrote: »

Move on. It seems to me it was just for one thing. Sex.

OP said the sex was great so she enjoyed it at least as much if not more than him. Also, it may seem to him that OP is interested in sex only

QueenRizla

OP, you seem very low on confidence and don't seem to value yourself, the talk of having a wall up due to 'past hurts', beating yourself up and calling yourself an idiot. There is nothing wrong with what he is doing and he is serving his needs, but it is falling short of what you probably need in a relationship. I think you are vulnerable and will be prone to getting hurt by not being clear about what you want and not settling for less than that. Calling over to someone once a week for the ride is fine if that's all you want, but I don't think it is doing you any good. But you really need to be on the same page.
I personally think you need to be single for a while, build back up your confidence and when you are ready you won't need to be 'putting up walls' (that's a very weak position to be in for a healthy relationship) and be so unsure of yourself. You will know what you want and if that's something that feels like it's getting off the ground and developing you won't settle for less than that.

LegacyUser

Just thought I'd quickly update this thread.

So over the weekend I heard nothing from the guy and this week I've also heard nothing. I knew it wasn't all in my head, intuition is a very powerful and mostly accurate thing. I texted him last night just asking how his day had been and he never replied. There's my answer.
This guy went from daily contact.. to sporadic contact.. to not even responding. I just knew over the weekend something was up. I reckon he was out on dates or with his girlfriend all weekend.

Anyway, just a lesson to be learned. Trust your instincts!

Thanks for the advice anyway guys

bucketybuck

You have now decided that you were right all along. Do you intend any self reflection about your part in what happened? Are you entirely sure about the cause and effect in what happened...

You don't need to answer that, I just don't think its completely in your best interests to write this all off as just a bullet dodged, there were behaviors there on your part that might benefit from some examination.

Bambi985

How did you text him last night if you had deleted his number?

I agree with the prev poster OP, you need to reflect on your own approach to save yourself from falling into a dating pattern here - that's if you're not already in one.

You say you "rarely like a guy this much" and yet you fell into bed with him and got to know very little about the actual guy, to the point where you now think it's possible he may have a girlfriend. The grounds of contact you had with him are very fcuk buddy-ish to me - constant texts but no real commitment, meeting once a week for sex but no integration into each other's lives etc etc

I'll say it again - that's a fcuk buddy. Nothing wrong with having a fcuk buddy, but the rules are you don't fall in love with one, or feel like you "rarely like guys this much" about them - then you're in trouble. If it's a relationship you want - and it certainly sounds like it is - hold out for the kind of behaviour that you need to see in order to have a happy, healthy relationship. Invest that time at the start getting to know the guy, what his interests are, don't let a booty-call-once-a-week pattern become established, don't respond to texts if they're the only real form of communication you have with him and run at the sight of any lack of interest beyond getting laid on his part.

Honestly, it sounds like you have issues establishing boundaries and that's why you ended up in an almost exclusively sexual relationship with a guy that you had deeper feelings for.

amtc

Unfortunately it's a classic "he's just not that into you". Don't beat yourself up as to what you could have done differently. I also wouldn't be all that bothered about over analysing it or you. You did the right thing in sending that text.

In the unlikely event that he was stuck to his bed with flu for a week and lost his phone...if he's been to yours for dinner he knows where to find you.

LegacyUser

Bambi985 wrote: »

How did you text him last night if you had deleted his number?

I agree with the prev poster OP, you need to reflect on your own approach to save yourself from falling into a dating pattern here - that's if you're not already in one.

You say you "rarely like a guy this much" and yet you fell into bed with him and got to know very little about the actual guy, to the point where you now think it's possible he may have a girlfriend. The grounds of contact you had with him are very fcuk buddy-ish to me - constant texts but no real commitment, meeting once a week for sex but no integration into each other's lives etc etc

I'll say it again - that's a fcuk buddy. Nothing wrong with having a fcuk buddy, but the rules are you don't fall in love with one, or feel like you "rarely like guys this much" about them - then you're in trouble. If it's a relationship you want - and it certainly sounds like it is - hold out for the kind of behaviour that you need to see in order to have a happy, healthy relationship. Invest that time at the start getting to know the guy, what his interests are, don't let a booty-call-once-a-week pattern become established, don't respond to texts if they're the only real form of communication you have with him and run at the sight of any lack of interest beyond getting laid on his part.

Honestly, it sounds like you have issues establishing boundaries and that's why you ended up in an almost exclusively sexual relationship with a guy that you had deeper feelings for.

While I appreciate your advice, you're assuming an awful lot about me! We met in a bar and got on really well. We hung out the following day for hours. I wasn't expecting much to happen but he called me later on that day and we arranged a cinema date that week. We also went our for dinner ans were getting on really well. There was a huge attraction on both sides it seemed and it was slowly blossoming. I don't think you should text too much at the start or let people in too easily so I had a bit of a guard up but I was staring to really like him as a person.

I think he simply wasn't that into me or was for a while but lost interest or met someone else. He hasn't done anything wrong and either have I. I feel fine now, I was a bit down when I wrote my initial post as I sensed he was pulling back a bit but it's not that big a deal. I don't think meeting once a week is bad at the begining, you're just getting to know each other. I don't think you can demand too much of someone's time which is why I wasn't bombarding him with texts.

He wasn't into me despite acting like he was and that's fine. we had two months of great sex but that's all it was and nothing I coulda said or done would have changed that. It wasn't my behaviour. If he was truly into me, he'd be contacting me, simple as.

Looking back, he'd ask me very sexually explicit things and to do very sexually taboo acts but I figured... ok, he's a kinky guy. It rang a few alarm bells and I shoulda listened. I'm talking things you only see in p*rn movies which I'm cool with btw but generally that leads to a sex only situation unless you're in a relationship.

I had deleted his number but it was in my call logs. I have now deleted it from everywhere!

Thanks again everyone, it helps to talk things through on here and get varying perspectives.

osarusan

Why don't you just say that you'd like to meet up during the week sometimes and see each other more in general and go out together more in general, and see how he reacts to that?

Rather than just assuming the worst about his intentions/feelings, why not try and find out?

Worst case scenario - you end up deleting his number, just as you did anyway.

Better case scenario - you find out that he doesn't feel like you think he might, and there turns out to be life in the relationship.

EDIT: Never mind, seems like it's all over anyway.

ibarelycare

osarusan wrote: »

Why don't you just say that you'd like to meet up during the week sometimes and see each other more in general and go out together more in general, and see how he reacts to that?

Rather than just assuming the worst about his intentions/feelings, why not try and find out?

Worst case scenario - you end up deleting his number, just as you did anyway.

Better case scenario - you find out that he doesn't feel like you think he might, and there turns out to be life in the relationship.

She already text him and he didn't reply. She has her answer.

Sorry it didn't work out OP. At least you got some good sex out of it

Big Bag of Chips

If you're interested in more than just a FWB set up, then show a bit more interest in more than just a FWB set up from beginning. By your own admission you had a mutual attraction, yet you held back. You didn't contact him unless he contacted you, and your replies were brief.

If you were in his shoes, what would you be thinking? He is now treating you much as you treated him for the duration of your "relationship" and you're all pissed off and deciding he's not interested and only wanted one thing.

Maybe he was after one thing. Maybe he got what he wanted and wanted no more. Maybe he really liked you but (much like you) isn't a mind reader and didn't realise you actually really did like him.

I think you need to let this one go, but maybe next time if you really like someone, let them know. Having "walls" up and not showing much interest might stop you from getting too invested and ultimately hurt, but it's also likely to stop the fella getting too invested either.

LegacyUser

Guys, thanks for the advice but in retrospect I've really recognised a few things and it had nothing to do with me or how I acted. This guy was a sexual deviant really but because he was tal, dark and handsome I fell for it. Alarm bells rang from day one which is why I had my guard up and was hesitant with texts, I didn't trust him. Looking back it's so evident and obvious but I was slightly blinded. Now I see. This is what happened:

I was in a bar dancing.. a very drunk girl was dancing near me, like falling over drunk. This guy came over and started hitting on her. A different guy who turned out to be her partner took her away. The guy who had been hitting on her then came over to me. This is the guy in question. He was in a bar at closing time.. alone.. hitting on the drunkest girl there. Alarm bell numero uno.

Yes, admittedly I went home with him but in my head, it was a one night stand which I wanted. He asked me for my number next day and acted very interested for the following few days. I asked him if he wanted to go to the cinema. He said how about you come to my place instead? Alaram bell number two. I said no... so he RELUCTANTLY came to the cinema with me. The minute the movie ended, he asked to come back to mine. I said no.. he said, and I quote, even just for 5 minutes?

I know at this stage the writing is on teh wall but when you fancy someone you don't see clearly sometimes. He'd then text me sweet messages and ask how my sister is etc. He'd ask about things I'd said I was doing, meetings at work etc. I was fooled.

Third 'date' he comes over to mine for dinner. I had spent loads on ingredients and bought fancy wine etc. He arrives, says you look so hot and we have sex. Date over. Barely touch the food. He says its cos im so sexy etc. We stay in bed. He shows me childhood photos, facebook pictures, we watch a movie, all sweet. UGhhhh even writing this now my skin crawls. He asks me for anal sex. I say no.. he leaves.

Date four.. dinner in a restaurant.. he says lets just go before the food even arrives. I ask whats wrong he claims he just 'has to have me'. We go back to his.. idiot me in retrospect.. he asks again for anal sex. I say no and I leave. He messages saying really sweet things, asking about my family etc. I know how obvious it sounds to all of you but when you're inside it, it really is hard to see at times.

Won't bore you any further but you can surely see why I had my guard up and stuff. He acted one minute like I was so desirable he couldn't stop himself, the next minute he was asking me to a family event, the next he was asking to come on my face. Ridiculous and there it is folks. Take from this what you will but I'm a very smart girl, highly intuitive but reason went out the window with him. I'm a good looking girl who attracts alot of attention so I was just thought at first he was another lad who was into me. I'm not big headed..clearly, just want to give you folks the full picture.

Feels so good writing that all down. I hate any guy who hits on a very drunk girl so that should have been the moment I walked when I saw him do that.I hated it but then he charmed me and I was tipsy and went with it. Ugh!!!

GuessWhoEh

Arcadefiredup wrote: »

While I appreciate your advice, you're assuming an awful lot about me! We met in a bar and got on really well. We hung out the following day for hours. I wasn't expecting much to happen but he called me later on that day and we arranged a cinema date that week. We also went our for dinner ans were getting on really well. There was a huge attraction on both sides it seemed and it was slowly blossoming. I don't think you should text too much at the start or let people in too easily so I had a bit of a guard up but I was staring to really like him as a person.

I think he simply wasn't that into me or was for a while but lost interest or met someone else. He hasn't done anything wrong and either have I. I feel fine now, I was a bit down when I wrote my initial post as I sensed he was pulling back a bit but it's not that big a deal. I don't think meeting once a week is bad at the begining, you're just getting to know each other. I don't think you can demand too much of someone's time which is why I wasn't bombarding him with texts.

He wasn't into me despite acting like he was and that's fine. we had two months of great sex but that's all it was and nothing I coulda said or done would have changed that. It wasn't my behaviour. If he was truly into me, he'd be contacting me, simple as.

Looking back, he'd ask me very sexually explicit things and to do very sexually taboo acts but I figured... ok, he's a kinky guy. It rang a few alarm bells and I shoulda listened. I'm talking things you only see in p*rn movies which I'm cool with btw but generally that leads to a sex only situation unless you're in a relationship.

I had deleted his number but it was in my call logs. I have now deleted it from everywhere!

Thanks again everyone, it helps to talk things through on here and get varying perspectives.

I swear you’ve just described my ex hahaha!

nikkibikki

Well in light of all that, sounds like you need to go the whole hog and block him from your phone!

Just to reiterate, you are not an idiot. Hindsight is a great thing and it's easy to get caught up in the moment and brush things off as innocent. You've had time to reflect now and you can see things clearer. Well done on that and letting your gut instincts speak up.

Icepick

You said the sex was great so how is he a deviant

LegacyUser

Icepick wrote: »

You said the sex was great so how is he a deviant

The sex was great, it was very wild and animalistic but I think any man hitting on a girl so wasted she can barely stand up is pretty creepy. Also a guy hanging around a bar by himself scoping the dancefloor doesn't actually scream gentleman. Plus asking a girl back to his apartment on a second date and asking for anal sex is pervy.

I slept with him despite knowing the above because sometimes when you're really attracted to someone you overlook their flaws and ignore warning signs.

I'm not saying he's a bad guy, he isn't but he's definitely not someone I'd want to be with or would want any of my friends to be with. I see his true colours now.

You're also the guy who said hilarious over reaction by me but it wasn't at all. I was bang on the money about this guy.

LegacyUser

nikkibikki wrote: »

Well in light of all that, sounds like you need to go the whole hog and block him from your phone!

Just to reiterate, you are not an idiot. Hindsight is a great thing and it's easy to get caught up in the moment and brush things off as innocent. You've had time to reflect now and you can see things clearer. Well done on that and letting your gut instincts speak up.

Thanks Nikkibikki.. you've been a really great support and made me feel much better. Much appreciated girl

Arcadefiredup

Arcadefiredup wrote: »

We met in a bar and got on really well. We hung out the following day for hours. I wasn't expecting much to happen but he called me later on that day and we arranged a cinema date that week. We also went our for dinner ans were getting on really well. There was a huge attraction on both sides it seemed and it was slowly blossoming. I don't think you should text too much at the start or let people in too easily so I had a bit of a guard up but I was staring to really like him as a person.

Arcadefiredup wrote: »

I went home with him but in my head, it was a one night stand which I wanted. He asked me for my number next day and acted very interested for the following few days. I asked him if he wanted to go to the cinema. He said how about you come to my place instead? Alaram bell number two. I said no... so he RELUCTANTLY came to the cinema with me. The minute the movie ended, he asked to come back to mine. I said no.. he said, and I quote, even just for 5 minutes?

Third 'date' he comes over to mine for dinner. I had spent loads on ingredients and bought fancy wine etc. He arrives, says you look so hot and we have sex. Date over. Barely touch the food. He says its cos im so sexy etc. We stay in bed. He shows me childhood photos, facebook pictures, we watch a movie, all sweet. UGhhhh even writing this now my skin crawls. He asks me for anal sex. I say no.. he leaves.

Date four.. dinner in a restaurant.. he says lets just go before the food even arrives. I ask whats wrong he claims he just 'has to have me'. We go back to his.. idiot me in retrospect.. he asks again for anal sex. I say no and I leave. He messages saying really sweet things, asking about my family etc. I know how obvious it sounds to all of you but when you're inside it, it really is hard to see at times.

These are two completely different relationships ... posted on the same day.

Bambi985 is clearly correct, he was a fcuk buddy, I don't know why you were so defensive about that.

And for what it's worth, Icepick was also correct because he was responding to the first description of your "relationship".

Yes you were right about him because the second description of your "relationship" was the honest one and posters here can only react/advise based on what they are told.

LegacyUser

Deleted User wrote: »

These are two completely different relationships ... posted on the same day.

Bambi985 is clearly correct, he was a fcuk buddy, I don't know why you were so defensive about that.

And for what it's worth, Icepick was also correct because he was responding to the first description of your "relationship".

Yes you were right about him because the second description of your "relationship" was the honest one and posters here can only react/advise based on what they are told.

The reason they seem like two different 'relationships' is because things look different when you take a step back and look at it from the outside. I was caught up in it at the start and although I had doubts, the minute he'd text asking how my day was and how my sister is doing etc, I'd discard my doubts and think wait, maybe he really does like me.

Looking at it now, it was clearly a fcuk buddy set up. I'm not defensive about that at all. I wish I had seen that from the start. Maybe then I would've just relaxed and enjoyed the ride (pun intended) without agonising over where it might be going!!

He messaged earlier saying sorry for leading you on. Can we be friends. I said no... obviously!! No problem with a fwb set up but not with this guy based on all that's happened.

Yellow pack crisps

Arcadefiredup wrote: »

The sex was great, it was very wild and animalistic but I think any man hitting on a girl so wasted she can barely stand up is pretty creepy. Also a guy hanging around a bar by himself scoping the dancefloor doesn't actually scream gentleman. Plus asking a girl back to his apartment on a second date and asking for anal sex is pervy.

I slept with him despite knowing the above because sometimes when you're really attracted to someone you overlook their flaws and ignore warning signs.

I'm not saying he's a bad guy, he isn't but he's definitely not someone I'd want to be with or would want any of my friends to be with. I see his true colours now.

You're also the guy who said hilarious over reaction by me but it wasn't at all. I was bang on the money about this guy.

You weren't bang on the money, in fact you weren't bang on anything. You wanted to continue dating this guy, it was him who ignored you. Forget about the guy anyway, work on your own issues.

QueenRizla

Arcadefiredup wrote: »

Guys, thanks for the advice but in retrospect I've really recognised a few things and it had nothing to do with me or how I acted. This is the guy in question. He was in a bar at closing time.. alone.. hitting on the drunkest girl there. Alarm bell numero uno.

Yes, admittedly I went home with him.
so he RELUCTANTLY came to the cinema with me. The minute the movie ended, he asked to come back to mine. I said no.. he said, and I quote, even just for 5 minutes?

I had spent loads on ingredients and bought fancy wine etc. He arrives, says you look so hot and we have sex. Date over. Barely touch the food.
He asks me for anal sex. I say no.. he leaves.

Date four.. dinner in a restaurant.. he says lets just go before the food even arrives.

OP I'm sorry and I'll probably get hammered by this or accused of victim blaming or something, but this has everything to do with you and the choices YOU are making for yourself. You are absolutely all over the place, its actually a bit shocking! You went home with a guy as his second choice to a girl who couldn't stand she was so drunk?? Jesus.
Honestly, I am all for one night stands and not judging and you say you are a good looking girl, so why on earth would he appeal to you in any way, scoping out the dancefloor for the drunkest girl?? That is disgusting! You justify it by saying he was good looking! Really? that is having very low standards for yourself.
I cannot believe the behavior you tolerated, and in the beginning of this thread you kind of painted it as loves young dream with a small communication problem. Boyfriend material vs Sexual deviant, not sure what you are going to tell yourself in each post.

OP you have very low standards for Yourself and you need to work on that. Please be single for a while and do some reflection about that. Think about what you want and don't settle for less. Honestly what you describe above may seem ok to some but I find it shocking. Leaving a restaurant before the food arrived is bad manners, I would be livid and would not have budged. You are so easily flattered and a bit desperate for male attention. I am not saying that to be rude, just really think about your motivations.

Nothing about this situation had the signs of a blossoming relationship, and people might shot me down and say it did, it absolutely didn't. I am a bit older than you and have plenty of serious and casual relationship experience, take it from me that guy would not make the grade for a casual FB situation for anyone who valued themselves, never mind thinking it might go somewhere.

You need to start being searingly honest with yourself, because you seem to be very easily deluded. Forget about him, you projected an awful lot of ridiculous hopes onto him instead of honestly seeing him for what he was, you will keep doing that to unsuitable guys unless you take a long hard look at yourself.

osarusan

As other people have pointed out, the way you originally portrayed him, the nature of the relationship, and your feelings about it ending, are completely different to how you have done in later posts.

It actually reads like, now that he has stopped contacting you, you have decided to retrospectively paint a picture of him as a nasty character so you can be glad that he is not in your life any more.

LegacyUser

osarusan wrote: »

As other people have pointed out, the way you originally portrayed him, the nature of the relationship, and your feelings about it ending, are completely different to how you have done in later posts.

It actually reads like, now that he has stopped contacting you, you have decided to retrospectively paint a picture of him as a nasty character so you can be glad that he is not in your life any more.

I never said he was a nasty character, in fact I said he's not a bad guy and he did nothing wrong. I stand by that. He wanted sex and nothing more and he got it. Nothing wrong with that. He hasn't stopped contacting me either, he messaged me all day yesterday asking me to change my mind and I said no.

The reason as I've already explained that it seems like two different relationships is because at the start I overlooked all the red flags. I knew deep down this was going nowhere but he'd text me asking how my day was and I'd convince myself he must be into me.. guys only message if they're interested.. right? He messaged first thing in the morning, lunchtime he'd take photos of his food,, night time he'd message. He acted interested. At the same time, we'd meet and watch a movie then f*ck. It was purely sexual but I didn't see that at the start.
He's not a nasty character but I do think him hitting on that wasted girl was creepy and I asked him about it afterwards. I also found it odd he was alone in a bar hanging around the dance floor. Again, I ignored it because he's so hot. I never said he's nasty and he isn't. I'm sure he'll be a great partner to a girl he's actually into. That girl isn't me. I don't care!! I was down about this for about two days. I'm fine now! It was a fleeting sexual fling, that's it. I see that now!!

Bambi985

I'd agree with the above. Your initial post may as well have been written about a different person OP. From Mr Dreamy that you liked "more than most guys" to a sexual deviant in one fell swoop. How does that happen?

It's ok to retrospectively realise something about someone, but to go from gushing about the amazing sex you're having with some guy who you're wildly attracted to, to him being a sexual deviant that treats women like sh1t suggests issues beyond the guy himself. Being honest with yourself - are you usually easily led by guys you're attracted to or that show you sexual attention? How is your dating life generally?

It's not on you to answer these questions on this thread, but if I were you I'd be doing some introspection to see what behaviours and beliefs about yourself led you down this path with this guy, as nothing about your relationship and subsequent jump in beliefs about him sounds emotionally healthy or normal.

LegacyUser

Bambi985 wrote: »

I'd agree with the above. Your initial post may as well have been written about a different person OP. From Mr Dreamy that you liked "more than most guys" to a sexual deviant in one fell swoop. How does that happen?

It's ok to retrospectively realise something about someone, but to go from gushing about the amazing sex you're having with some guy who you're wildly attracted to, to him being a sexual deviant that treats women like sh1t suggests issues beyond the guy himself. Being honest with yourself - are you usually easily led by guys you're attracted to or that show you sexual attention? How is your dating life generally?

It's not on you to answer these questions on this thread, but if I were you I'd be doing some introspection to see what behaviours and beliefs about yourself led you down this path with this guy, as nothing about your relationship and subsequent jump in beliefs about him sounds emotionally healthy or normal.

To be honest, from the moment we met, I knew something was up. When I saw him hanging around the dancefloor by himself and hitting on the wasted girl I thought jesus... he's hitting on a girl who can barely stand up. Asking me for anal sex on our second date was also a flashing bad sign but again, I ignored it. I know I described him as a dreamy guy but that purely my lust for him talking. I liked him more than most guys because I very rarely fancy guys. I can't remember the last time I was into someone. This guys is not a bad guy but I do believe he has sexual issues. He would have taken that wasted girl home and probably had anal sex with her. He was a in a bar by himself. It's very odd in my opinion.

Bambi985

Arcadefiredup wrote: »

To be honest, from the moment we met, I knew something was up. When I saw him hanging around the dancefloor by himself and hitting on the wasted girl I thought jesus... he's hitting on a girl who can barely stand up. Asking me for anal sex on our second date was also a flashing bad sign but again, I ignored it. I know I described him as a dreamy guy but that purely my lust for him talking. I liked him more than most guys because I very rarely fancy guys. I can't remember the last time I was into someone. This guys is not a bad guy but I do believe he has sexual issues. He would have taken that wasted girl home and probably had anal sex with her. He was a in a bar by himself. It's very odd in my opinion.

That's all fair and well, but why have sex with him yourself then? If "something was up" with him from day one, why go home with him again and again and again? I agree, targeting a wasted woman like that is gross, asking for anal sex again and again is a bit off, but why then volunteer as candidate?

The main thing you need to explore is why - if this guy had so many red flags that you're now deeming him some kind of deviant - get involved with him at all? Lust isn't a good enough reason, unless you're a teenager with little to no dating experience. I fancy lots of people, from work colleagues to the gardener at home to the guy with the wife and kids next door, under no circumstances whatsoever would I ever get involved though. Why was he an option, if he's really the worst kind of guy you could meet?

Meauldsegosha

Arcadefiredup wrote: »

Asking me for anal sex on our second date was also a flashing bad sign but again, I ignored it.

Asking for anal sex doesn't make him a sexual deviant whether it's on the 2nd date or 20th date.

I have to agree with the other posters are you need to examine your own actions. If he had been available to meet you last Friday, would you have met him and continued to have "amazing sex" with someone who is a sexual deviant? Would you be meeting him again tonight? If yes, then you need to examine why those red flags didn't mean anything to you.

punisher5112

Sounds very like a guy use to work with.

Went out for beers few times and he was in a relationship.

He would go off with anything.