Strong feeling for someone in workplace

RandomP · 20-10-2017 5:55pm #1

Hi, not sure if this is a suitable place to post this but here it is. I've been wondering if I should post something like this for a week now but I have no one to talk to about this.

I have feelings for someone in the office. This has probably gone on for one year now. At first I thought to myself "this is just a phase" but now I think about her all the time and I find myself sexually attracted to her.

I am already in a relationship of almost six years. I have always been loyal I don't think about anyone else or chat to other girls. Then last year I started talking to this girl from work usually through Skype but also in person too.

There's nothing flirty about our chats just random stuff and these chats often end up in paragraphs replying to each other every few hours almost everyday in work. Then earlier this year we started whatapps each other outside of work but again nothing flirty and usually only at weekends but they usually end up being long parapgraphs. Sometimes she starts it sometimes it's me.

I can't stop thinking about this person. It feels good talking to her. In my head I keep asking myself is it normal for a girl to chat to a guy this much or if shes interested in me? I know she has lots of male friends since her course that she did was very male dominant and she grew up playing football with lads and she said she never really had a proper boyfriend and she is single. But even at that is it normal to have this much chats between us?

I get bit jealous when the new guy talk to her or Skypes her. And I often tell myself what the **** is wrong with me!

Sometimes I ask myself if I should distance myself from her but it's almost impossible since we work on same projects and in the same team?

Any thoughts?

fits · 20-10-2017 6:10pm

Sounds like it's reciprocal to me. Ask her out.

bee06 · 20-10-2017 6:19pm

Firstly, you need to decide if your current relationship is going anywhere. Regardless of your feelings for this work girl do you actually see your relationship going anywhere or are you just marking time?

Once you have sorted that out and if ye breakup the work girls reaction will probably tell you a lot about her feelings for you. I'd be surprised if she wasn't into you.

For what it's worth, I was work girl a long time ago. We are now married and very happy.

sullivlo · 20-10-2017 6:20pm

fits wrote: »

Sounds like it's reciprocal to me. Ask her out.

He’s in a relationship

fits · 20-10-2017 6:21pm

sullivlo wrote: »

He’s in a relationship

Didn't see that.

NinetyTwoTeam · 20-10-2017 6:47pm

From my own life and observations of others, more often than not, when someone leaves a long term partner for someone else, it doesn't work out. It is based on a physical attraction and the compatibility is an unknown.

If it doesn't work out, you'll have thrown away a six year relationship and you could end up single and having a very awkward work situation to walk into every day, seeing your ex. So you really are putting all your eggs in one basket if you pull this move.

She's Skyping other fellas and is one of those 'I'm on of the lads types', which sounds well cool but can also mean 'I love getting attention from multiple men and have few female friends because of the way I carry on.' You have no idea if she is actually interested since she is also in contact with other guys in a similar way. It's very possible she's single because she likes to play the field and have multiple options available at all times and isn't looking for a monogamous relationship, and just passes the time playing games with these 'possibles' until someone better comes along.

You're already jealous of her Skyping another workmate. Could you handle her continuing to do that when you're in a relationship with her? Cuz she's gonna, most likely. And if she tells you it's nothing you won't believe her because that is exactly how the two of you got together, you won't see it as innocent. Likewise, she will be aware that your eye wandered after a six year relationship, will she trust you?

It's normal for the spark to fade a bit after 5 years or so but often the problem is you are overlooking all the positive things that you have in the relationship while the negatives look larger than they really are and basically boil down to a bit of boredom and taking your partner for granted.

I wouldn't leave a stable relationship with a loyal woman for some 'jane the lad' type at work that I'm fantasizing about.

Stop messaging her and giving her attention for a while and see what happens. You'll soon gauge her level of interest and it will give you a chance to cool your jets. Do NOT tell her any reason why other than you're busy, etc. Put more effort into giving your gf attention as I'm guessing she has noticed a drop off in that department, and assess things after a while and whether you really want to ditch a 6 year relationship for what could turn out to be anything from nothing, a short fling, a total disaster, or a successful long term relationship. Which I'd say the odds are stacked against the latter but sure it could happen... But then in six years will you get bored again?

Purple Mountain · 20-10-2017 7:14pm

fits wrote: »

Sounds like it's reciprocal to me. Ask her out.

Did you miss the part where he's with someone else for six years.

RandomP · 20-10-2017 9:07pm

bee06 wrote: »

Firstly, you need to decide if your current relationship is going anywhere. Regardless of your feelings for this work girl do you actually see your relationship going anywhere or are you just marking time?

Once you have sorted that out and if ye breakup the work girls reaction will probably tell you a lot about her feelings for you. I'd be surprised if she wasn't into you.

For what it's worth, I was work girl a long time ago. We are now married and very happy.

Cheers for the advice. I feel the spark is not there as it use to in my current relationship. But I do love my girlfriend. Maybe that's why I feel so conflicted.

NinetyTwoTeam wrote: »

From my own life and observations of others, more often than not, when someone leaves a long term partner for someone else, it doesn't work out. It is based on a physical attraction and the compatibility is an unknown.

If it doesn't work out, you'll have thrown away a six year relationship and you could end up single and having a very awkward work situation to walk into every day, seeing your ex. So you really are putting all your eggs in one basket if you pull this move.

She's Skyping other fellas and is one of those 'I'm on of the lads types', which sounds well cool but can also mean 'I love getting attention from multiple men and have few female friends because of the way I carry on.' You have no idea if she is actually interested since she is also in contact with other guys in a similar way. It's very possible she's single because she likes to play the field and have multiple options available at all times and isn't looking for a monogamous relationship, and just passes the time playing games with these 'possibles' until someone better comes along.

You're already jealous of her Skyping another workmate. Could you handle her continuing to do that when you're in a relationship with her? Cuz she's gonna, most likely. And if she tells you it's nothing you won't believe her because that is exactly how the two of you got together, you won't see it as innocent. Likewise, she will be aware that your eye wandered after a six year relationship, will she trust you?

It's normal for the spark to fade a bit after 5 years or so but often the problem is you are overlooking all the positive things that you have in the relationship while the negatives look larger than they really are and basically boil down to a bit of boredom and taking your partner for granted.

I wouldn't leave a stable relationship with a loyal woman for some 'jane the lad' type at work that I'm fantasizing about.

Stop messaging her and giving her attention for a while and see what happens. You'll soon gauge her level of interest and it will give you a chance to cool your jets. Do NOT tell her any reason why other than you're busy, etc. Put more effort into giving your gf attention as I'm guessing she has noticed a drop off in that department, and assess things after a while and whether you really want to ditch a 6 year relationship for what could turn out to be anything from nothing, a short fling, a total disaster, or a successful long term relationship. Which I'd say the odds are stacked against the latter but sure it could happen... But then in six years will you get bored again?

Cheers for the sound advice. I have considered in my head of what would happen if I do go out with this girl. There are things that I would not feel comfortable about. Maybe I'm insecure but she hangs out with lots of lads and that would be one of the main thing that gonna bother me. From knowing her and going out for work related stuff. She doesn't give me the impression of someone that sleeps/messes around. She doesn't really go out that often at all. However I feel like she is someone that "plays her card close to her chest" and she doesn't really express herself that much.

There have been times where she doesn't reply to my messages and I leave her be. She will eventually start up another conversation with me. I will try to ignore her for a bit and see what she is like maybe her attention will be given to the new guy. But I do have a feeling that nothing will come of it. Actually during one of our whatsapp conversations she mentioned something along the lines "of our friendship" so maybe we are just friends to her that or I'm reading into our conversation too much.

amtc · 20-10-2017 9:31pm

I'm the girl on the other side of this from years ago. Both of us involved with others. Little tummy jitters when my email pinged from him. Twenty times a day.

Yet both seeing other people. It flattered both our egos. Finished one night when I was convinced we would get together as he finished with his ex and I had confided on rocky ground with mine...so work night out...and he went off with another girl. I felt so stupid.

It was a workplace flirtation. He saw me as one of the lads!

The grass is not always greener.

NinetyTwoTeam · 21-10-2017 1:56am

Keep in mind that she may see the messaging and flirting with you as 'safe' because 'Sure, he has a gf.' and some girls get a little thrill out of getting attention from guys that are taken. This combination often pops up in the workplace, especially when the guy is married. It's like it's okay to flirt precisely because nothing more can come from it (well, ideally.) Whereas if a single guy is flirting the woman will be much more careful to reciprocate, usually only doing so if she is actually attracted to him and would consider dating him.

It's just so easy for this to blow up in your face in so many ways dude. For example, you break up with your gf, how long are you going to wait to ask work girl out? You will probably not want to wait long, because you're afraid your Skype rival guy will move in. So she will immediately realize you dumped your gf to pursue her. How will she react to that? She could be absolutely horrified at being the cause of that, whether she's interested in you or not. And if she's not, hoo boy, you're screwed! Not only have you trashed a six year relationship, but you can bet your behind she'll be telling your coworkers that she's all buddy buddy with 'Omg he dumped his gf for me, etc. what do I do?' and you will look like an absolute tool.

And even if she is interested, she will probably be a bit freaked out, it would put a lot of pressure on her knowing you dumped your gf of six years, she'll be afraid her colleagues will consider her a homewrecker and the gossip will be flying, and again, it will reflect negatively on you, people will strongly suspect you were getting with her before dumping your gf and brand you a cheater.

Having both a stable relationship and a good work environment isn't something to take for granted, many people have neither. You want to risk trashing both in one fell swoop, for a 'maybe'? I was about to write 'I would think long and hard about that', but I actually wouldn't. Because it's like getting a bad hand in poker, it's easier to fold quick and move on, don't talk yourself into taking a foolish risk.

Also, I dunno if you've ever broken a woman's heart before, which is what you'll be doing to your gf if you're in a six year relationship. It doesn't feel good. If as you say, you've always been loyal, you must be pretty compatible with her, and whatever issues there are that have caused your eye to wander, it's probably easier to work on them, then to do what you're considering. Which is something I've done before, twice actually, and both times it went tits up with the new girl within a year. That doesn't mean it is like that for everyone, but it's just my experience. And I didn't have the added hairiness of working with the person which you shouldn't take lightly either.

jk23 · 21-10-2017 2:03am

Have a good think to yourself over a week or so if you think there is anything worth saving your relationship for. If you are not in love with your current partner or don’t see a future then definitely you need to break up for a while or for good. Whatever you do... DO NOT cheat or send over the top flirty messages.

It will ruin any hope of a friendship if that’s possible with your current girlfriend. Also it looks terrible if your current girlfriend found out and most importantly if someone you really cared about did that to you or was having feelings you are having then what you would like them to do?

I know it’s a tough predicament for you but just be honest with how you are feeling. Treat your current girlfriend with respect, meet her face to face if or when you decide it’s over, explain that you are not happy in your relationship, after that maybe take a few weeks before you move on to ask the next girl you mentioned out... best of luck. Hope it works out for you

mapaca · 21-10-2017 3:01am

Sounds to me like she just sees you as a friend. Also agree with the point someone else made, that you are "safe" to chat and be friendly with, as you are in a relationship so the boundaries are defined. You said yourself there's no hint of flirting in your conversations.

Focus on your girlfriend, figure out why your eye has wandered: Is it boredom? Is the love still there or has the spark well and truly gone? Are you just missing the excitement of the early dating stage? What's missing in the relationship that has made you distracted by this new girl? Can you see yourself ending it? (Obviously these are just things to think about for yourself, I'm not expecting you to reply!)

con___manx1 · 21-10-2017 3:41am

I was working with a girl in my last job that i really liked. When i first started working with her i didnt think i would but as i got to no her i really did.
There was always rumors in work thst we were together but it wasnt the case.
Anyway on a work night out she went off with another guy. I was sick about it because i thought she liked me.
6 months after that we had a drunken kiss in a pub but nothing after.
I have left thst job now nearly a year and i still think about her most days. Iv been with a few other girls and all but i cant get her out of my head.
I never text her and hadnt seen her in months but she texted me the day of the hurricane and been texting since.

Icepick · 21-10-2017 6:39am

Relationships require hard work.
If you still love your gf, do something to bring back the spark.

Check TED talks

RandomP · 21-10-2017 8:27am

NinetyTwoTeam wrote: »

<Snip> No need to repost an entire post. It just clogs the thread with duplicate text and makes life difficult for users browsing on the touch site

I think the reason I am getting such mix signals with this girl is that she also does small nice things for me. Like on my birthday she will get me a bar of chocolate and I don't see her do that for anyone. She will also share things with me if I forgot to bring in something for breakfast. As well as that when she needs to come over to my desk I always find her to stand quite close to me. When she was using my mouse if she touches of my hand she won't retract and one time our hands just remained touching each others. She also generally choose to sit beside me as well. Now her feelings could have changed since the new guy came along or that I'm completely misreading this?

I also question myself as to why is this girl is still single? Like none of her lad friends have asked her out? All I know is that she never been in a relationship and only had an on and off thing with someone when she was in college. I guess I want to make myself not to get attracted to her by finding a negative reason of why she is single and I know that is stupid.

At times I regret getting close to this girl at work as it is having an impact on my life outside of work as well as in it. I get this sickly heart clenching feeling knowing that she could like another guy and that we are no more than just friends. I think I got to the point where I can't pretend that this is just phase anymore.

One of the main issue between me and my current gf is that we rarely have sex. This is mostly on me and I feel shallow about it. We get along very well but in recent years my gf started packing on weight and I find her less and less sexually attractive. I don't want to hurt her feeling so I don't really know how to tell that to her. Plus her working hours are quite weird so most days I feel like I spent more time interacting with the girl from work more than her. Maybe these reasons are whats causing "my eye to wander" when there's another compatible girl that I see everyday that I find sexually attractive to me comes along?

Icepick · 21-10-2017 9:23am

^^
We find new attractive people all the time. The spark going out of a relationship has to do with brain chemistry and falling into a routine.
Talk to your partner. Stay positive and talk about excercise and healthy diet that you can enjoy together.

amtc · 21-10-2017 9:29am

I think you're just having a seven year itch a year early. Reframe it, how would your life be without your girlfriend?

Colser · 21-10-2017 10:10am

I think you need to s*it or get off the pot TBH.I think you're already emotionally cheating on your girlfriend and you need to cop on and decide what you want to do in the relationship.If her weight is an issue or lack of sex ect then speak to her about it and decide if it's a deal-breaker.My guess is you're not sleeping with her as much because of you're preoccupied with the other one and if the thought of her with someone else upsets you so much then I definitely think that you're being very unfair to your girlfriend.

In relation to your hands touching ect you're the one at fault imo...you should be setting definite boundaries and stop taking part in all of that stuff out of respect to your girlfriend,you're being very disloyal to her and acting very immaturely for someone in a long term relationship imo.

There are girls out there who thrive on getting attention from guys in relationships,we all know them and you can be sure your workmates know full well that you fancy her and can see the game that you're playing,most of us who've worked in an office environment are used to seeing it going on and usually feel pity for the partners/s of those involved.

The ball is totally in your court here ,you're an adult so decide what you want to do with your relationship firstly and if you then decide to try and get with the other girl go for it...don't be surprised though if she suddenly loses interest when you're available..she's playing a game imo but I could be wrong and you'll be one of the very few who end up happily together as a couple.
I consider what your doing now as cheating,very hurtful to your girlfriend if she knew and the other girl is toying with you for kicks...sorry if this sounds harsh but it is my opinion.

leggo · 21-10-2017 10:17am

"Look, you're small-town. I've had over 50 jobs, maybe a hundred. I've never stayed anywhere long. What I am trying to say is, there is a certain game played in offices all over America. The people are bored, they don't know what to do, so they play the office-romance game. Most of the time it means nothing but the passing of time. Sometimes they do manage to work off a screw or two on the side. But even then, it is just an offhand pasttime, like bowling or t.v. or a New Year's Eve party. You've got to understand that it doesn't mean anything and then you won't get hurt. Do you understand what I mean?"

A quote from Charles Bukowski that's worth keeping in mind here.

Your issue has been pretty well summed up here. This isn't about the girl itself, it's about your girlfriend and the problems that exist in the relationship. When you're not attracted to a partner anymore and are wondering what to do, reverse the roles and ask yourself "Would I want someone who wasn't attracted to me to stay with me?" It gets a lot easier from there. Treat your partner how you would want to be treated in the current circumstances. If you want to break up, that's fine, but don't do so because of this other girl or there's a ridiculously good chance you'll end up with egg on your face.

Soulred · 21-10-2017 10:34am

You should split up with your girlfriend. She deserves better. From here it looks as though you have zero respect for her.

The Princess Bride · 21-10-2017 1:05pm

One of the main issue between me and my current gf is that we rarely have sex. This is mostly on me and I feel shallow about it. We get along very well but in recent years my gf started packing on weight and I find her less and less sexually attractive. I don't want to hurt her feeling so I don't really know how to tell that to her.

I don't think you should feel shallow about it.
We can't help who we are attracted to, if she wasn't big when you met then she will look very different to the girlfriend you originally met and started dating.
After 6 years though, you really should be able to address this, even if it means approaching it from a healthy living point of view.

I think you need to take the other girl out of the equation for a while and ask yourself a few questions about your relationship with your girlfriend.
It either is worth saving or it isn't, but you need to make that decision.

I'll put it this way.
If work girl leaves, who's to say there won't be another woman down the line who catches your eye?
It's okay to notice other people and realise they're attractive; but if we're truly comfortable in our relationship with our partner, it won't be an issue.

Best of luck, you've a lot of thinking to do.

tara73 · 21-10-2017 4:06pm

I wonder, does she know about your girlfriend? Did you tell her you have a girlfriend, you havn't said anything about it here. If yes, how did she react? you can tell a lot about ones' reaction to this situation.
If you havn't told her, why not? It all sounds a bit immature from your side tbh.

She/you touching you/her by accident and her not retrieving her hand doesn't mean anything. Tbh, for me, it would rather mean she doesn't has any interest in you romatically, because if she has, it would make more sense if touching would be a bit exciting to her and she would avoid it in public.

From all we know, she could also be lesbian if she likes hanging around with lads. Just another possibility, not stating she is.

From what I read, I would say she's not interested in you. There are many possibilities here why she acts as she act, we don't know her, so it's all speculation.

As others pointed out, main thing here is you should ask yourself in the first place what's going on in your relationship and why you consider getting involved with somebody else while still being togehter with your girlfriend. how would you feel if things were reversed, if your gf would do this to you?

RandomP · 21-10-2017 8:09pm

Colser wrote: »

I think you need to s*it or get off the pot TBH.I think you're already emotionally cheating on your girlfriend and you need to cop on and decide what you want to do in the relationship.If her weight is an issue or lack of sex ect then speak to her about it and decide if it's a deal-breaker.My guess is you're not sleeping with her as much because of you're preoccupied with the other one and if the thought of her with someone else upsets you so much then I definitely think that you're being very unfair to your girlfriend.

You're not being harsh at all just saying whats on your mind. I know myself that I'm technically cheating on my gf and it will hurt her if she knows. The issue between me and my gf happened before I started chatting with this girl in work. I let my feelings for this girl spiral out of control. I wish I could just throw this feeling out the window. I find it the easiest way is to stop seeing this person but I work everyday with her and see her more than my gf. Can a person just stop having feelings for someone?

The Princess Bride wrote: »

I don't think you should feel shallow about it.
We can't help who we are attracted to, if she wasn't big when you met then she will look very different to the girlfriend you originally met and started dating.
After 6 years though, you really should be able to address this, even if it means approaching it from a healthy living point of view.

We have actually tried it. I bought her weight because she want to start doing some exercise. But she ended up using it three times. Bought her a kettle bell she stopped using that as well. Talked about getting a gym member ship never happened.

tara73 wrote: »

I wonder, does she know about your girlfriend? Did you tell her you have a girlfriend, you havn't said anything about it here. If yes, how did she react? you can tell a lot about ones' reaction to this situation.
If you havn't told her, why not? It all sounds a bit immature from your side tbh.

She/you touching you/her by accident and her not retrieving her hand doesn't mean anything. Tbh, for me, it would rather mean she doesn't has any interest in you romatically, because if she has, it would make more sense if touching would be a bit exciting to her and she would avoid it in public.

She knows about my gf before we started to have chats. She never really asked about her usually just one line comment and same reaction whenever I mention my gf. Few months ago after our office event I told one of my coworker than I've been with my gf for 6 years he said you guys should be engaged and she kind of jokingly said to him to stop putting ideas into my head.

The hand brushes were very subtle it's usually just split seconds. Like sometimes it happens while I hold the door open or walking beside each other. I feel like our hands brushes off more often than not. I never instigate it if say I need to use the mouse I ask her "can I" first then she will move her hand away. Maybe they are all just accidents. But like you and others said it could just be the way she is or she is playing games. Also the idea of her being a lesbian crossed my mind before.

In the end I don't want to just give up on my current relationship. I think I should start by minimising the amount of interaction with her to just work related things and deal with the issue with my gf.

Tigger99 · 21-10-2017 8:43pm

Subtle hints haven't worked with your girlfriend. I think you need to talk to her honestly about her weight. Not about the other girl, I think that's more a symptom than anything else.

And yes your girlfriend might react badly but considering the alternative which is a sexless relationship with little attraction, I think you are out of options.

Ursus Horribilis · 21-10-2017 10:26pm

RandomP wrote: »

We have actually tried it. I bought her weight because she want to start doing some exercise. But she ended up using it three times. Bought her a kettle bell she stopped using that as well. Talked about getting a gym member ship never happened.

For many people who've put on weight, it's not as simple as buying them a kettle bell. As the saying goes, you can't outrun a bad diet. If your girlfriend is to lose weight, joining a gym is going to do feck all for her unless she also changes what she eats. People who are overweight/obese are in that condition because of a multitude of factors. Emotional eating, bad habits, depression etc. So if she's to lose weight, she's going to need help. It could well involve joining a slimming class such as Slimming World or Weightwatchers and needing you on board to try new recipes and take her out walking etc.

amtc · 21-10-2017 10:55pm

A friend of mine only lost weight when aiming towards a goal...in this case her wedding. Ok this may be a dramatic suggestion and hardly a reason to get engaged but in my friend's case she was eating the same amount as her boyfriend. Huge plates of food and picking. It was the goal that gave her the push. Also her mother sponsored her €10 per kilo she lost.

I meant to ask if you're skyping and what's apping this girl outside work...how do you explain this to your girlfriend?

RandomP · 22-10-2017 1:48am

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

For many people who've put on weight, it's not as simple as buying them a kettle bell. As the saying goes, you can't outrun a bad diet. If your girlfriend is to lose weight, joining a gym is going to do feck all for her unless she also changes what she eats. People who are overweight/obese are in that condition because of a multitude of factors. Emotional eating, bad habits, depression etc. So if she's to lose weight, she's going to need help. It could well involve joining a slimming class such as Slimming World or Weightwatchers and needing you on board to try new recipes and take her out walking etc.

We had done walking before but then it all stopped. It was especially difficult for her when she works weird hours where she could get off at 9 o'clock or even 11 at night. I sometimes go for a run or do exercise at home and try to eat healthy for breakfast and lunch since I get of at 5. But I think it would be a more difficult for her to commit.

amtc wrote: »

A friend of mine only lost weight when aiming towards a goal...in this case her wedding. Ok this may be a dramatic suggestion and hardly a reason to get engaged but in my friend's case she was eating the same amount as her boyfriend. Huge plates of food and picking. It was the goal that gave her the push. Also her mother sponsored her €10 per kilo she lost.

I meant to ask if you're skyping and what's apping this girl outside work...how do you explain this to your girlfriend?

Setting a goal would be a good idea just have to find one that we could stick to.

The skype is only in work where everyone uses it we usually chat to each other everyday on that. When we chat outside of work we use Whatsapp. But we don't whatsapp each other every single day. Sometimes it could be once every week or every two weeks it's kind of random but the chats could go on for a whole day to even a week just about random stuff. My gf knows I talk to people from work so she doesn't ask about it. She also work weird hours so some weeks I don't see her that much. And whenever we are hanging out I generally don't use my phone.

leggo · 22-10-2017 8:37am

There are a lot of ways you can dance around the subject without outright saying "You've put on weight." Your girlfriend knows she's put on weight, this won't be news to her and doesn't need to be directly said. You can say that you're worried the spark and attraction has gone in the relationship (say it like it's both ways, as if you feel she mightn't be attracted to you anymore either), that you've both stopped making an effort to impress the other person, that you've noticed yourself drifting and even when you get attention from other people (you don't need to bring up the girl in work since that'll just freak her out considering you've still got to see this person daily) you've started to enjoy it and don't like where that's going because she is your priority.

It's still not going to be an easy conversation, but it's a way to go about it without directly shaming her for this one issue.

If she chooses to ignore this, or does the same again and doesn't make any real changes, that's when you decide if you want to end the relationship or not and don't have to feel bad about it because now you realise it's a conscious choice on her part. Then, and only then, can you think about this other girl.

ShaShaBear · 22-10-2017 8:40am

If you found out your girlfriend was thinking non-stop about a man at work - this sexually attractive man that was making her heart wrench, who she was stealing touches from whenever she could and who she was sharing paragraph-long messages with behind your back, how would you feel?

If you think she doesn't know something is up, you are sorely mistaken. 6 years together - she knows she's put on weight, she knows you've stopped being intimate with her and she knows you are being distant when you spend all day thinking about someone else. Please stop making excuses about how often you see your girlfriend due to her work. It sounds like you're blaming HER schedule on why you're obsessed with this girl from work. You've been asked several times if you see a future with your girlfriend, and you're skirting. I'd be inclined to think you don't want to break up with her until you have something set up in the office.

Raging jealousy about a co-worker who hangs out with and talks to other lads and ye aren't even really flirting? That's a recipe for disaster and if she catches onto a hint of that she either won't touch you with a bargepole or will take you for the ride!

Ursus Horribilis · 22-10-2017 10:28am

RandomP wrote: »

We had done walking before but then it all stopped. It was especially difficult for her when she works weird hours where she could get off at 9 o'clock or even 11 at night. I sometimes go for a run or do exercise at home and try to eat healthy for breakfast and lunch since I get of at 5. But I think it would be a more difficult for her to commit.

Why is it more difficult for her to commit? There is a delusion out there that going to the gym will solve weight issues. It won't. I've seen a stat which says that weight loss is 80% diet and 20% exercise. So if she actually wants to make the effort to lose weight (and it's unclear if she wants to), odd working hours is no excuse. She still has to eat.

mapaca · 22-10-2017 10:43am

Great advice from leggo and ShaShaBear there. If you can follow their suggestions whole heartedly and genuinely give your relationship a chance then go for it.

However.

On reading all your posts again, one thing stands out. They're all about the girl at work, loads of detail about her, and what she did and said and how often she texts, etc etc. Your girlfriend is an afterthought. You didn't even mention the weight/lack of intimacy issues in the first post, as though these are just a minor sub plot in the great story of You And The Girl At Work. For this reason, I think you have already mentally checked out of your relationship and are just making excuses as to why it won't work. You have lost interest.

I don't mean to sound critical, you can't help how you feel. If the love you had for your girlfriend is gone, then it's gone. What matters now is how you handle things. She deserves care and respect, you weren't with her for 6 years for nothing. Think carefully about your next steps.

Estrellita · 22-10-2017 11:02am

RandomP wrote: »

Cheers for the advice. I feel the spark is not there as it use to in my current relationship. But I do love my girlfriend. Maybe that's why I feel so conflicted.

If you genuinely still love your girlfriend, then you need to put a stop to what is going on with this other girl. Do not speak to her outside of a work capacity and avoid little huddles in the office with her. In meetings, sit beside someone else. If you need to ask a question, ask someone else. If you don't put a professional distance between you and her this isn't going to go away and you stand to lose the girlfriend you say you love.

When you've been several years into a relationship it seems for some people it's easier to start something new than to put in the work required to keep things fresh and exciting in a current relationship.

You say there was talk of a gym. I think if you start going she will follow suit. When you're over worked and over tired it's very easy to fall into a rut and end up slumping into the sofa every evening. You could be just the motivation she needs. Be honest about diet. You can't account for what she's having at work of course, but ensure there is nothing in the weekly shopping that is convenience food or unhealthy snacks. It's better to make a meal from scratch so you can account for everything that's gone into it. YOU cook, and watch portion sizes. You must at least have some meals together? Id say between work tiredness and lack of body confidence things have dulled her interest in intimacy. If there is a change in diet and exercise she will begin to feel more confident again.

Don't look for excuses to have a thing with work girl, be part of the change you want in your own relationship. Lead by example.

Yellow pack crisps · 22-10-2017 11:33am

Make a decision. Forget the girl at work as there are so many reasons why it is a non starter. If you break up with your gf you need time to recover from that as six years leaves a lot of emotional scars you just can't see at the moment. The office girl has given you absolutely no reason to believe she is interested in you in a romantic way! Forget about how close she sits/stands to you or if your hands briefly touch it she gives you a bar of chocolate as you are just grasping at straws there. You are friends! That's all! All those things you mentioned are the actions of good friends! Take a step back from her for a while and clear your head. Either finish with your gf or choose to work on your relationship, a sign of weight gain is sometimes a indicator of unhappiness, perhaps your gf is equally unhappy in your relationship as you are, you won't know until you have an honest conversation about it.

Pyr0 · 23-10-2017 11:20am

RandomP wrote: »

Hi, not sure if this is a suitable place to post this but here it is. I've been wondering if I should post something like this for a week now but I have no one to talk to about this.

I have feelings for someone in the office. This has probably gone on for one year now. At first I thought to myself "this is just a phase" but now I think about her all the time and I find myself sexually attracted to her.

I am already in a relationship of almost six years. I have always been loyal I don't think about anyone else or chat to other girls. Then last year I started talking to this girl from work usually through Skype but also in person too.

There's nothing flirty about our chats just random stuff and these chats often end up in paragraphs replying to each other every few hours almost everyday in work. Then earlier this year we started whatapps each other outside of work but again nothing flirty and usually only at weekends but they usually end up being long parapgraphs. Sometimes she starts it sometimes it's me.

I can't stop thinking about this person. It feels good talking to her. In my head I keep asking myself is it normal for a girl to chat to a guy this much or if shes interested in me? I know she has lots of male friends since her course that she did was very male dominant and she grew up playing football with lads and she said she never really had a proper boyfriend and she is single. But even at that is it normal to have this much chats between us?

I get bit jealous when the new guy talk to her or Skypes her. And I often tell myself what the **** is wrong with me!

Sometimes I ask myself if I should distance myself from her but it's almost impossible since we work on same projects and in the same team?

Any thoughts?

Keep it 100% to work interaction. For now it's only innocent chatting and even then "over the weekends" but soon you'll find that you're texting during the week after work and then where does it go? Phone chats, meet up for coffee? You'll just be in an even bigger hole.

How comfortable would you be telling your missus about this friendship? If you find yourself completely against it because you know she'll react badly or feel uncomfortable about it then you should definitely move away from casual texting.

bucketybuck · 23-10-2017 11:47am

Sorry OP, but you are nothing but a cliché. A full blown girlfriend got fat excitement at work 7 year itch cliché.

I don't say that to be mean, but maybe if you copped on to that fact you might be a little more realistic and dispassionate about the situation, before you go and do something stupid.

Ms Doubtfire1 · 23-10-2017 1:13pm

Look OP,

all relationships turn into routine at some point in your life. That's just life. You can try spice it up and value the deep friendship and love that can come place of the butterflies, or you don't.There are no guarantees in life except for death and taxes. If settling in and down is not for you you need to leave because you are standing in her way. You are blaming the diminished attraction to her weight gain, but I think that's no more than a the outer symptom. As someone else said - you've checked out. Make a decision. but make it based on your current feelings towards your GF, and leave any thought of the other girl out of it-as hard as that sounds.Alsop, would strongly reccommand if you do leave to stay on your own for a while - just to get to know yourself as a single person.

birdwatcher · 23-10-2017 1:40pm

OP,
Like it or not, you're already having an affair.....an Emotional Affair.
Google it....you'll see the symptoms.
It's as bad as a physical affair in terms of realisation and deciding to end it.(with whichever party you decide to end it with)

You have a choice to make, and you need to make it now.
Look at it from this point of view.....if your GF was in the same situation, how would YOU feel if YOU found out.

Just food for thought, I'm not judging.
Make your decision and stick with it.
Good luck either way.

23-10-2017 3:10pm

RandomP wrote: »

She knows about my gf before we started to have chats. She never really asked about her usually just one line comment and same reaction whenever I mention my gf. Few months ago after our office event I told one of my coworker than I've been with my gf for 6 years he said you guys should be engaged and she kind of jokingly said to him to stop putting ideas into my head.

Eugh.

Your colleague makes a fair point, your relationship is not moving forward, why is that?

Deal with that issue before moving on to your next girlfriend.

Ann84 · 23-10-2017 7:09pm

Are you wasting your current girlfriends time/ life?
You guys have been together 6 years... 6 years is a nice chunk of time, I mean she could be married and planning a life with someone who wanted to create a life with her, meanwhile instead of being busy creating a life with your partner, your daydreaming about a girl in work...

I think the answer is in your priorities really

BoardsMember · 24-10-2017 4:44pm

Icepick wrote: »

Relationships require hard work.
If you still love your gf, do something to bring back the spark.

Check TED talks

Can you elaborate on this? Link, subject etc?

Icepick · 25-10-2017 5:00pm

BoardsMember wrote: »

Can you elaborate on this? Link, subject etc?

Her name is Esther Perel

Strong feeling for someone in workplace

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