Another one bites the dust

LegacyUser · 13-10-2017 10:00AM #1

Hello Boardsies and Happy Friday!

I met this guy a few weeks ago and we really hit it off. We have a lot in common and it's been going great, or so I thought until last night.

Since we first met, we've been in contact every day. Not loads of messages by any means but one or two mostly instigated by him (I'm not a big text/phone person). We've been meeting up once a week, sex is amazing and we really connect. I have my guard up quire firmly like most people due to past hurts and was just starting to let it fall as this guy seemed like the real deal.

usually if we're meeting it's on Friday nigh and we'll arrange it on say Wednesday but this week I hadn't heard from him so asked him last night if he was free tonight. He replied and no, busy all weekend. No explanation, no offering of an alternative date, no asking what I had in mind.

We haven't had the exclusive talk and it's a bit too soon for that so I don't know if he's dating other people. We met in a pub btw, not online but I know that he was and possibly still is on tinder as we apparently matched months ago.

I just feel like, if he knew he was away all weekend, why didn't arrange to see me during the week instead. I then started really thinking about it and it all became clear. We only ever meet once a week despite living really near to each other. We hang out, watch a movie, have sex and then spend the rest of our weekends separate. We never meet during the week, ever. No cinema, no meals out, no meeting for lunch. It's just once at the weekend.

I feel now like the writing is on the wall. He couldn't care that much if he's not bothered about seeing me. Am I over reacting? All i said to him was cool, enjoy. He doesn't know how I feel now because frankly, he hasn't asked and I really don't think he'd care.

I've deleted his number and in my head it's now done. So frustrating as I really liked him. Why was he messaging me every day? I guess it's easy to send a text. I reckon he was keeping me sweet, enjoying sex on tap and actively looking for someone else.

Any thoughts on this?

Thanks guys.

GuessWhoEh · 13-10-2017 10:31AM

Move on. It seems to me it was just for one thing. Sex. You deserve a lot more than that. Don't invest if they aren't willing to put the work in.

LegacyUser · 13-10-2017 10:39AM

Yeah. I've deleted his number now and ignored his last message.

I just don't get it. He seemed really into it, although looking back, he seemed really into the sex, as was I. We got on really well too and I enjoyed his company but sex was always at the forefront. Nothing wrong with that if that's what you're both after but I'm not looking for just sex at this stage.

Weird how last week and every other week he'd ask about my weekend plans and ask if I wanted to come over for dinner and then this week, nothing. Very annoying but I'm wise enough to know that a change in pattern or behaviour usually spells the end.

How come sometimes these short little relationships hurt more than long term ones when they end too!!

nikkibikki · 13-10-2017 11:28AM

Maybe he was waiting for you to instigate your next date and was a bit annoyed that you left it til last minute? Do you want to see him mid week for cinema or something? Suggest it if you do!

Or he could have some personal/family stuff going on that he doesn't want to get into on text and seeing as ye only know each other a few weeks? If you don't like texting, ring him maybe?

nikkibikki · 13-10-2017 11:34AM

Arcadefiredup wrote:

I feel now like the writing is on the wall. He couldn't care that much if he's not bothered about seeing me. Am I over reacting? All i said to him was cool, enjoy. He doesn't know how I feel now because frankly, he hasn't asked and I really don't think he'd care.

Did you ask him how he feels?

Arcadefiredup wrote:

I've deleted his number and in my head it's now done. So frustrating as I really liked him. Why was he messaging me every day? I guess it's easy to send a text. I reckon he was keeping me sweet, enjoying sex on tap and actively looking for someone else.

If you're not into texting and if you weren't replying with the same or similar regularity as he was, that gets tiresome.

Goat the dote · 13-10-2017 11:36AM

Could he have another relationship on the go?

ibarelycare · 13-10-2017 11:47AM

You met a few weeks ago, and you've been out every Friday night. So what...you've had 3/4 dates? I think you're investing quite a lot in someone you have only met a handful of times.

LegacyUser · 13-10-2017 12:03PM

ibarelycare wrote: »

You met a few weeks ago, and you've been out every Friday night. So what...you've had 3/4 dates? I think you're investing quite a lot in someone you have only met a handful of times.

No, we've had a lot more dates than that. I'd say 10 dates and they've been really intimate. We also message on a daily basis.

I hope I'm over reacting and that he messages after the weekend to arrange another date. I guess I'm just very cynical and the world of dating is a scary place these days. You hear so many horror stories about ghosting and people being stood up and all sorts of carry on. It's also very rare that I like anybody and I really really like him.

Nikkibikki... I think you may be right in that I should have instigated more texts and dates and not left it up to him. Thursday night is a bit late for me to ask what he's doing this weekend. I guess if I'd asked him on Wednesday I'd have known and wouldn't feel so let down. I'm an idiot I guess!!

Meauldsegosha · 13-10-2017 12:11PM

Arcadefiredup wrote: »

We hang out, watch a movie, have sex and then spend the rest of our weekends separate. We never meet during the week, ever. No cinema, no meals out, no meeting for lunch. It's just once at the weekend.

So apart from the night you met in the pub, have you been out on a date with him or is it a "netflix and chill" situation? If it is the latter he probably only interested in sex.

If it is the former and he is initiating all the text/communication and arranging your Friday night "dates" it is understandable if he is backing off. He probably thinks you are only interested in sex.

LegacyUser · 13-10-2017 12:26PM

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

So apart from the night you met in the pub, have you been out on a date with him or is it a "netflix and chill" situation? If it is the latter he probably only interested in sex.

If it is the former and he is initiating all the text/communication and arranging your Friday night "dates" it is understandable if he is backing off. He probably thinks you are only interested in sex.

Yeah, we've been out for pints a couple of times and he's come over to mine for dinner. Hmm.. I left part of the story out that just occurred to me. I did a bit of a foolish thing about 2 weeks ago. We were drinking wine and talking.. in vino veritas and all of that and I (stupidly in retrospect) said to him that I really like having sex with him and can't imagine a cinema date or any date that wasn't gonna lead to sex. AAhhhh what an idiotic thing to say!! I was a bit drunk and was just saying what I was thinking but there are some thoughts you should absolutely keep to yourself. He just kinda laughed when i said it but yeah.. not my wisest moment and may explain why I'm standing where I'm standing.

LuckyLloyd · 13-10-2017 12:54PM

You deleted his number without looking to talk it out in any sort of way? And you've reached the worst conclusions about the whole thing?

Bambi985 · 13-10-2017 01:02PM

Arcadefiredup wrote: »

We hang out, watch a movie, have sex and then spend the rest of our weekends separate. We never meet during the week, ever. No cinema, no meals out, no meeting for lunch. It's just once at the weekend.

This is basically what fcuk buddies do. Not two people dating and getting to know each other with a relationship in mind. Have you been having sex since day one? Any non-sexy dates at all?

He's keeping you very separate from his day-to-day life save for a flurry of texts which means nothing really. Texting requires no commitment whatsoever.

I'd never stick around in this kind of situation. I'd advise you to move on and when he inevitably gets horny and comes crawling back, tell him you're not interested in "Netflix and chill" but if he'd like he can take you out on an actual proper date to get to know you properly. That should put the nail in the coffin!

bucketybuck · 13-10-2017 01:53PM

He texted you most days, but you don't do texts so he had to instigate and when he did he only got a few replies.

You admit you have walls up due to past experiences. Very firmly up I might add.

You only met a few weeks ago and so have only met a few times, on a friday night for sex mainly.

To be honest I'm struggling to see where you actually communicate with this fella? Before deciding that he just wanted sex are you sure you gave him a chance to see anything else? Did you ever contact him and arrange a coffee and chat in the evening? He did contact you, did you ever let any of those messages lead anywhere?

You say that he must not care if he couldn't be bothered seeing you? Have you considered that he might in fact actually be busy this weekend? Or have you considered that he might be thinking the exact same thing, that you must not care if you couldn't be bothered communicating yourself? That you didn't even ask what he was doing?

He told you he was busy this weekend and you deleted his number, do you think thats rational?

I don't know any of the answers but I'll say this, there are plenty of people who will tell you that all men are scum and this guy was just using you for sex and that you are better rid of him. Its not always true, and some of the things you said in your OP suggest its not necessarily true in this case. I think it would be a useful thing to honestly look at what you did, to assume for a few minutes that he was not a scumbag and to wonder what he might think of your behaviors.

witchgirl26 · 13-10-2017 02:15PM

OP when I first started seeing my other half it was quite similar as we were both quite independent so liked having some time together but also time to do our own thing at the weekend. We started seeing each other more frequently after a couple of months when we'd settled into a new routine.

If this is the first time he's said no to a date then I think possible over-reaction. He's busy at the weekend - it happens. And after a few weeks he doesn't necessarily have to explain himself.

Maybe he was just in it for the sex or maybe he is actually busy. The only way you'll know is to actually have a conversation with him about it and not over text.

Katgurl · 13-10-2017 03:35PM

I agree with you that it does not good (but I could be wrong). I also would have deleted his number just to resist temptation to contact him again. You've already tried to initiate something and he has said no and hasn't suggested anything else. I don't understand the replies here suggesting it's your fault or that you were too invested. I would also be disappointed if something looked like it was starting and then just died. It's a normal reaction IMO. All you can do now is see if he contacts you again.

Be nice to yourself and make some plans for the weekend doing something that makes you happy.

If he likes you, he will be in touch early next week to arrange something. If he does, you could suggest going out and doing something other than netflix and chill. If he likes you as more than a fbuddy, he will go for it.

If he doesn't get in touch, then that is disappointing for sure but unfortunately you are going to have to dust yourself down and get on with it. The dating world can be tough but all you can do is remain optimistic that the right guy will be along at the right time. Also if you think you miss 'him' remind yourself that you have not had an opportunity to get to know the real him. Above all else, do not take this personally. He could have a track record of always cycling girls for six weeks then vanishing before it became anything more.

nikkibikki · 13-10-2017 04:17PM

Arcadefiredup wrote:

Nikkibikki... I think you may be right in that I should have instigated more texts and dates and not left it up to him. Thursday night is a bit late for me to ask what he's doing this weekend. I guess if I'd asked him on Wednesday I'd have known and wouldn't feel so let down. I'm an idiot I guess!!

No I don't think you are an idiot at all! This could easily be salvageable if you do like him. Lots of guys like to chase and lots like the playing field a bit more even. Gender equality and all that jazz! You could reply and say if he'd like to go to the cinema or something some evening next week, to let you know and see if ye can find a time that suits you both. If you get no response or a no, well then you have your answer for sure. Throw in a "I hope everything is ok with you" also if you want to. The kind of abruptness of his msg could just mean he has something else going on.

nikkibikki · 13-10-2017 04:35PM

Katgurl wrote:

I agree with you that it does not good (but I could be wrong). I also would have deleted his number just to resist temptation to contact him again. You've already tried to initiate something and he has said no and hasn't suggested anything else. I don't understand the replies here suggesting it's your fault or that you were too invested. I would also be disappointed if something looked like it was starting and then just died. It's a normal reaction IMO. All you can do now is see if he contacts you again.

Absolutely it would be disappointing. But if you look at things from his point of view, if you were doing all the contacting and arranging dates and the person you are seeing never does, would you not get the feeling they aren't that interested in you if they don't make a bit of an effort as well? I'm with my husband since 2004 so I am well out of the dating scene but I know if I left it to him to do all the chasing, we wouldn't be together. I had a friend recently who was seeing a guy who left the arranging up to her and he wouldn't reply til the last minute. She liked him a lot but got tired of the lax attitude.

BetsyEllen · 13-10-2017 04:59PM

nikkibikki wrote: »

No I don't think you are an idiot at all! This could easily be salvageable if you do like him. Lots of guys like to chase and lots like the playing field a bit more even. Gender equality and all that jazz! You could reply and say if he'd like to go to the cinema or something some evening next week, to let you know and see if ye can find a time that suits you both. If you get no response or a no, well then you have your answer for sure. Throw in a "I hope everything is ok with you" also if you want to. The kind of abruptness of his msg could just mean he has something else going on.

I think this is the best advice on this thread - definitely give him one more text and you'll then know where you stand.

Goat the dote · 13-10-2017 05:24PM

BetsyEllen wrote: »

I think this is the best advice on this thread - definitely give him one more text and you'll then know where you stand.

Except she’s deleted his number...

nikkibikki · 13-10-2017 06:35PM

Goat the dote wrote:

Except sheâ€™s deleted his number...

Texts are probably still on the phone. Should be easy enough to retrieve anyway if they got deleted too.

FishOnABike · 13-10-2017 06:39PM

Goat the dote wrote: »

Except she’s deleted his number...

Might be deleted from contacts but the number itself should probably still be in the phone logs.

jimbobalob309 · 13-10-2017 08:07PM

interesting headline "another one bites the dust". is this a common theme in your love life op? maybe it's a common theme in the online dating world i don't know, thought id ask the question tho.
do you find yourself falling quickly for fellas generally? a few wks would be no time in a general sense when it comes to dating, and when you combine your intense feelings with the fact that sex seems to be at the forefront of ur relationship with this lad, it doesn't really paint a picture of a blossoming relationship i have to say.more like a fling that will die as hard as it was born.
go slowly next time would be my advice, dont be quick to jump into bed with guys you met down the pub because It can put your personality and your compatibility on the sidelines as far as exploring the possibilities for something beyond sex to develop

Meauldsegosha · 14-10-2017 04:54AM

jimbobalob309 wrote: »

maybe it's a common theme in the online dating world i don't know, thought id ask the question tho

The OP said she didn't meet him online so why ask the question.

Big Bag of Chips · 14-10-2017 07:15AM

I don't know, OP, I think you might have over reacted a bit here. From what you say, he has been the one initiating most of the contact and he has always been the one to start the discussion on plans to meet up. Maybe he got sick of always being the one having to organise everything. Maybe he felt that you weren't that interested in him?

The fact that you just deleted his number without any attempt to see if things were ok or ending shows that you probably weren't/aren't all that interested? (Or else it shows that you don't believe you need the number, because you are expecting him to once again be the one to initiate contact).

You mention that the short relationships can hurt as much as the longer ones when they end. Is this a pattern for you? Do you find yourself in many short relationships that fizzle out quickly? Would you consider being less passive in future? Maybe taking the initiative occasionally and ringing them, or arranging to meet up some evening for a few drinks, or whatever?

It seems like he liked you, always initiated contact, never got much back from you, and you'd show up once a week for sex. And now that he's not available this week for sex, you've deleted his number.

If you are in a loop of relationships all ending the same way, maybe it's time to look at the common factor in all these relationships, your behaviour.

Icepick · 15-10-2017 07:59AM

Hilarious overreaction by OP.

It's all over in your mind because he didn't have every weekend free for you? How about you just talk about it with him like an adult.

GuessWhoEh wrote: »

Move on. It seems to me it was just for one thing. Sex.

OP said the sex was great so she enjoyed it at least as much if not more than him. Also, it may seem to him that OP is interested in sex only

QueenRizla · 15-10-2017 11:02AM

OP, you seem very low on confidence and don't seem to value yourself, the talk of having a wall up due to 'past hurts', beating yourself up and calling yourself an idiot. There is nothing wrong with what he is doing and he is serving his needs, but it is falling short of what you probably need in a relationship. I think you are vulnerable and will be prone to getting hurt by not being clear about what you want and not settling for less than that. Calling over to someone once a week for the ride is fine if that's all you want, but I don't think it is doing you any good. But you really need to be on the same page.
I personally think you need to be single for a while, build back up your confidence and when you are ready you won't need to be 'putting up walls' (that's a very weak position to be in for a healthy relationship) and be so unsure of yourself. You will know what you want and if that's something that feels like it's getting off the ground and developing you won't settle for less than that.

LegacyUser · 18-10-2017 12:26PM

Just thought I'd quickly update this thread.

So over the weekend I heard nothing from the guy and this week I've also heard nothing. I knew it wasn't all in my head, intuition is a very powerful and mostly accurate thing. I texted him last night just asking how his day had been and he never replied. There's my answer.
This guy went from daily contact.. to sporadic contact.. to not even responding. I just knew over the weekend something was up. I reckon he was out on dates or with his girlfriend all weekend.

Anyway, just a lesson to be learned. Trust your instincts!

Thanks for the advice anyway guys

bucketybuck · 18-10-2017 02:02PM

You have now decided that you were right all along. Do you intend any self reflection about your part in what happened? Are you entirely sure about the cause and effect in what happened...

You don't need to answer that, I just don't think its completely in your best interests to write this all off as just a bullet dodged, there were behaviors there on your part that might benefit from some examination.

Bambi985 · 18-10-2017 02:43PM

How did you text him last night if you had deleted his number?

I agree with the prev poster OP, you need to reflect on your own approach to save yourself from falling into a dating pattern here - that's if you're not already in one.

You say you "rarely like a guy this much" and yet you fell into bed with him and got to know very little about the actual guy, to the point where you now think it's possible he may have a girlfriend. The grounds of contact you had with him are very fcuk buddy-ish to me - constant texts but no real commitment, meeting once a week for sex but no integration into each other's lives etc etc

I'll say it again - that's a fcuk buddy. Nothing wrong with having a fcuk buddy, but the rules are you don't fall in love with one, or feel like you "rarely like guys this much" about them - then you're in trouble. If it's a relationship you want - and it certainly sounds like it is - hold out for the kind of behaviour that you need to see in order to have a happy, healthy relationship. Invest that time at the start getting to know the guy, what his interests are, don't let a booty-call-once-a-week pattern become established, don't respond to texts if they're the only real form of communication you have with him and run at the sight of any lack of interest beyond getting laid on his part.

Honestly, it sounds like you have issues establishing boundaries and that's why you ended up in an almost exclusively sexual relationship with a guy that you had deeper feelings for.

amtc · 18-10-2017 03:04PM

Unfortunately it's a classic "he's just not that into you". Don't beat yourself up as to what you could have done differently. I also wouldn't be all that bothered about over analysing it or you. You did the right thing in sending that text.

In the unlikely event that he was stuck to his bed with flu for a week and lost his phone...if he's been to yours for dinner he knows where to find you.

LegacyUser · 18-10-2017 05:01PM

Bambi985 wrote: »

How did you text him last night if you had deleted his number?

I agree with the prev poster OP, you need to reflect on your own approach to save yourself from falling into a dating pattern here - that's if you're not already in one.

You say you "rarely like a guy this much" and yet you fell into bed with him and got to know very little about the actual guy, to the point where you now think it's possible he may have a girlfriend. The grounds of contact you had with him are very fcuk buddy-ish to me - constant texts but no real commitment, meeting once a week for sex but no integration into each other's lives etc etc

I'll say it again - that's a fcuk buddy. Nothing wrong with having a fcuk buddy, but the rules are you don't fall in love with one, or feel like you "rarely like guys this much" about them - then you're in trouble. If it's a relationship you want - and it certainly sounds like it is - hold out for the kind of behaviour that you need to see in order to have a happy, healthy relationship. Invest that time at the start getting to know the guy, what his interests are, don't let a booty-call-once-a-week pattern become established, don't respond to texts if they're the only real form of communication you have with him and run at the sight of any lack of interest beyond getting laid on his part.

Honestly, it sounds like you have issues establishing boundaries and that's why you ended up in an almost exclusively sexual relationship with a guy that you had deeper feelings for.

While I appreciate your advice, you're assuming an awful lot about me! We met in a bar and got on really well. We hung out the following day for hours. I wasn't expecting much to happen but he called me later on that day and we arranged a cinema date that week. We also went our for dinner ans were getting on really well. There was a huge attraction on both sides it seemed and it was slowly blossoming. I don't think you should text too much at the start or let people in too easily so I had a bit of a guard up but I was staring to really like him as a person.

I think he simply wasn't that into me or was for a while but lost interest or met someone else. He hasn't done anything wrong and either have I. I feel fine now, I was a bit down when I wrote my initial post as I sensed he was pulling back a bit but it's not that big a deal. I don't think meeting once a week is bad at the begining, you're just getting to know each other. I don't think you can demand too much of someone's time which is why I wasn't bombarding him with texts.

He wasn't into me despite acting like he was and that's fine. we had two months of great sex but that's all it was and nothing I coulda said or done would have changed that. It wasn't my behaviour. If he was truly into me, he'd be contacting me, simple as.

Looking back, he'd ask me very sexually explicit things and to do very sexually taboo acts but I figured... ok, he's a kinky guy. It rang a few alarm bells and I shoulda listened. I'm talking things you only see in p*rn movies which I'm cool with btw but generally that leads to a sex only situation unless you're in a relationship.

I had deleted his number but it was in my call logs. I have now deleted it from everywhere!

Thanks again everyone, it helps to talk things through on here and get varying perspectives.

Another one bites the dust

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