Irish lads

Hammer89 · 13-10-2017 12:36AM #1

Do you think there is something inherently wrong with Irish lads which prevents them from being 'real' with one another? I ask because I'm just after watching a film called The Night Before on Netflix.

It's about Christmas but really it's about friendship and I found myself getting a little bit emotional at one or two scenes toward the end; not solely because they're quite moving but because I'd love friendships like that in my circle of friends. I should point out that it's a Seth Rogan film and it might seem like the bromance etc is exaggerated but it's really not.

I've spent time in Canada and North America and there just doesn't seem to be the same level of facade and bull**** among them as there is among Irish lads and our circles for one reason or the other. Personally, I'd feel more comfortable confiding in people I know from Canada or the US more than my friends back here. It's a little sad I think. It's sad that you can be mates with people for 20 years and still have no idea whether they're truly happy inside or not. I mean, I've had a couple of heart-to-hearts with the lads, but we're talking about over two decades here. If one of us gets emotional on a night out, or does something which would indicate a deeper ongoing issue, it never gets brought up to that person. It's not forgotten, but it's also not spoken about and that's a major problem because it promotes a sense of loneliness and silent suffering which can't possibly be healthy.

Maybe this is just a common theme in my group - I don't know - but I would bet similar themes occur in other circles of friends. Quite a lot of us will have our friends in our lives longer than we'll have our parents and it's quite tragic that no matter how close you can be to someone, there's also something of a chasm between you emotionally.

dd972 · 13-10-2017 12:57AM

You only have to be introverted or bookish as a male here to be regarded as 'a girl' or having your sexuality questioned, in jest or for real, if you can handle it then you can shrug it off, however not so good for those that can't.

SafeSurfer · 13-10-2017 01:06AM

The Irish. Great bunch of lads.

jk23 · 13-10-2017 01:12AM

Ireland as a country the past 50 years+ especially for men is dependent on alcohol to cope with feelings. This can manifest itself in alcohol dependence. Only in the past few years had mental health become a mainstream issue so you can see how difficult we find it as a nation to open up.

We are great at showing our compassion through charity and funerals etc. The discussion of feelings or talking to someone about personal feelings seems still to be especially difficult for men. I think Irish women are better at talking things out and supporting each other though.

freshpopcorn · 13-10-2017 01:42AM

Hammer89 wrote: »

I've spent time in Canada and North America and there just doesn't seem to be the same level of facade and bull**** among them as there is among Irish lads and our circles for one reason or the other. Personally, I'd feel more comfortable confiding in people I know from Canada or the US more than my friends back here. It's a little sad I think. It's sad that you can be mates with people for 20 years and still have no idea whether they're truly happy inside or not. I mean, I've had a couple of heart-to-hearts with the lads, but we're talking about over two decades here. If one of us gets emotional on a night out, or does something which would indicate a deeper ongoing issue, it never gets brought up to that person. It's not forgotten, but it's also not spoken about and that's a major problem because it promotes a sense of loneliness and silent suffering which can't possibly be healthy.

I always get the vibe with most groups of friends can talk to one another about issues and they know they can have a chat of they want to but you should go to your friend for the chat.
Lots of people get emotional on night out and it gets discussed but it's up to you to raise the issue again in my opinion.
I experienced something with a group before a lad said he was a little worried about girlfriends/life/future/etc on a drunken night out. The next day the lad just wanted to move on and his fiends treated him as normal.(He could talk to them if he wanted) One guy tough basically asked him did he want to talk about life every day and made him feel like a special case.

Arsemageddon · 13-10-2017 01:46AM

Saying it's all Irish men is both a cliché and an excuse. You should be capable of being your own man regardless of what others think of you

If people don't accept you for who you are they are just acquaintances, not friends.

freshpopcorn · 13-10-2017 01:55AM

Arsemageddon wrote: »

Saying it's all Irish men is both a cliché and an excuse. You should be capable of being your own man regardless of what others think of you

If people don't accept you for who you are they are just acquaintances, not friends.

I often find that some groups have a guy who doesn't really click with the group but he sort of tags along and then he runs into difficulty when the banter gets to much or he begins to feel isolated.
The person then ends up in an older age bracket ad finds it hard to make friends with similar interests and group doesn't want to be rude to them so they stay tagging along.

13-10-2017 02:05AM

dd972 wrote: »

You only have to be introverted or bookish as a male here to be regarded as 'a girl' or having your sexuality questioned, in jest or for real, if you can handle it then you can shrug it off, however not so good for those that can't.

If your "friends" call you a girl for being bookish, then why are they your friends? All my friends are bookish or "nerdy" in some way.

Maybe you need new friends?

JupiterKid · 13-10-2017 02:24AM

Alcohol seems to be the only way many if not most Irish men can really open up emotionally to each other. Sad.

13-10-2017 02:33AM

JupiterKid wrote: »

Alcohol seems to be the only way many if not most Irish men can really open up emotionally to each other. Sad.

Sad. Or completely false.

greencap · 13-10-2017 02:36AM

Gaaaaayyyy.

Outlaw Pete · 13-10-2017 02:50AM

I like the look of North America and Canada too.

Used to love watching Due South and Northern Exposure etc etc when I was someone who still had dreams.

Anytime you fancy going for rip, OP. Just holler.

AttentionBebe · 13-10-2017 07:37AM

Big bag of feelings with the lads.

eeguy · 13-10-2017 07:50AM

Different culture I suppose.

Ed Byrne said in an interview he had to alter one of his jokes on the US tour.

The joke was about how lads are always messing, cockblocking each other and insulting each other, while girls are usually very tight knit and know everything in each others lives.

This joke didn't land in the US because lads are full of the bro's before hoes, fraternity friends for life mentality, while women are more likely to be catty and duplicitous.

Obviously large generalizations, but you get the rough idea from movies.

Alf Veedersane · 13-10-2017 07:50AM

A lot of men don't confide in other men because they may not want to admit they're struggling with something - it's not an indictment of their friends.

I know I could talk to my proper friends about anything if I needed to because I know they're genuine friends.

If you don't feel you can confide in your friends then maybe you don't think they're genuine friends.

Andrew Flexing · 13-10-2017 07:56AM

I never understood this too-emotional distance being kept with your so called closest friends. I know people in late 30s/early 40s still call their close friends by their school nickname eg "Ryaner" or "Smithy", I always thought this kept that gap intact.

tomwaterford · 13-10-2017 07:59AM

Tbh the few friends I have,its rare enough I see them,

And it's rare enough I'd be the type to confide/talk about any personal problems etc

I have I tend to try solve them myself and keep them private

snowflaker · 13-10-2017 07:59AM

Smithy? And Chinese Alan???

freshpopcorn · 13-10-2017 08:00AM

Sometimes in the past I've seen ads/interviews for mental health etc from the UK/USA/Canada/Australia. They always say the same thing as the Irish one's that young men are more likely to die by suicide and that they don't talk to one another. So, I don't believe it's just an Irish problem!

Pac1Man · 13-10-2017 08:08AM

A feeling?

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Tell me how · 13-10-2017 08:18AM

JupiterKid wrote:

Alcohol seems to be the only way many if not most Irish men can really open up emotionally to each other. Sad.

That's not my experience. It does take someone to put themselves out there but I think most people want/need/and are capable of doing so.
I also think it happens much better and more organically when 1:1 at appropriate times.
I wouldn't rock up to the boys at half six on a Saturday evening and try to have a deep/meaningful conversation. In groups, bravado will likely lead to someone, probably someone must in need of such support, to be insulting or dismissive of it.

There's a time for banter, camaraderie and light hearted interactions and a time for deeper connections, within the same relationships.

Andrew Flexing · 13-10-2017 10:10AM

snowflaker wrote: »

Smithy? And Chinese Alan???

What a show!

13-10-2017 10:25AM

dd972 wrote: »

You only have to be introverted or bookish as a male here to be regarded as 'a girl' or having your sexuality questioned, in jest or for real, if you can handle it then you can shrug it off, however not so good for those that can't.

Maybe you're hanging around with the wrong people. I'm 'bookish' and have never been regarded as a girl. That would be a downright odd insult in the first place.

If someone said I was a girl, for reading, I'd honestly take no notice, and assume they were just dim.

McCrack · 13-10-2017 10:36AM

SafeSurfer wrote: »

The Irish. Great bunch of lads.

No that's the Chinese

erica74 · 13-10-2017 10:44AM

Speaking on behalf of my husband, he has a very close relationship with his best friend. They've been friends since they were 4 so nearly 40 years now. They talk to each other about their feelings and life and all the things going on. Alcohol would never be involved when they chat like this. What I mean is, if my husband's best friend shows up at our house and needs to talk or needs advice, it's a cup of tea and a chat. And vice versa.
I feel sorry for anyone who doesn't have at least one friend who they can turn to like that.

Pero_Bueno · 13-10-2017 10:57AM

Hammer89 wrote: »

Do you think there is something inherently wrong with Irish lads which prevents them from being 'real' with one another? I ask because I'm just after watching a film called The Night Before on Netflix.

It's about Christmas but really it's about friendship and I found myself getting a little bit emotional at one or two scenes toward the end; not solely because they're quite moving but because I'd love friendships like that in my circle of friends. I should point out that it's a Seth Rogan film and it might seem like the bromance etc is exaggerated but it's really not.

I've spent time in Canada and North America and there just doesn't seem to be the same level of facade and bull**** among them as there is among Irish lads and our circles for one reason or the other. Personally, I'd feel more comfortable confiding in people I know from Canada or the US more than my friends back here. It's a little sad I think. It's sad that you can be mates with people for 20 years and still have no idea whether they're truly happy inside or not. I mean, I've had a couple of heart-to-hearts with the lads, but we're talking about over two decades here. If one of us gets emotional on a night out, or does something which would indicate a deeper ongoing issue, it never gets brought up to that person. It's not forgotten, but it's also not spoken about and that's a major problem because it promotes a sense of loneliness and silent suffering which can't possibly be healthy.

Maybe this is just a common theme in my group - I don't know - but I would bet similar themes occur in other circles of friends. Quite a lot of us will have our friends in our lives longer than we'll have our parents and it's quite tragic that no matter how close you can be to someone, there's also something of a chasm between you emotionally.

Sure but they have this North American insincere closeness "I love you bro" ... total false crap!!!

Irish lads are more open and honest and what you see is what you get.

lazybones32 · 13-10-2017 11:04AM

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

Maybe you're hanging around with the wrong people. I'm 'bookish' and have never been regarded as a girl. That would be a downright odd insult in the first place.

If someone said I was a girl, for reading, I'd honestly take no notice, and assume they were just dim.

I've always regarded you as a girl. The kind that kicks her legs out sideways when running...
XOXO

Alf Veedersane · 13-10-2017 11:15AM

snowflaker wrote: »

Smithy? And Chinese Alan???

Chinese Alan is a gent.

"I'll have a number 3 with a hug, please, Alan"

He gives the best hugs.

Squeezy.

Andrew Flexing · 13-10-2017 11:19AM

Alf Veedersane wrote: »

Chinese Alan is a gent.

"I'll have a number 3 with a hug, please, Alan"

He gives the best hugs.

Squeezy.

D'ya fancy an omelette?

donegaLroad · 13-10-2017 11:19AM

jk23 wrote: »

Ireland as a country the past 50 years+ especially for men is dependent on alcohol to cope with feelings. This can manifest itself in alcohol dependence. Only in the past few years had mental health become a mainstream issue so you can see how difficult we find it as a nation to open up.

We are great at showing our compassion through charity and funerals etc. The discussion of feelings or talking to someone about personal feelings seems still to be especially difficult for men. I think Irish women are better at talking things out and supporting each other though.

Ironically, one of the few places that people can talk openly with each other in a genuine way, is probably Alcoholics Anonymous.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock · 13-10-2017 11:38AM

Arsemageddon wrote: »

Saying it's all Irish men is both a cliché and an excuse. You should be capable of being your own man regardless of what others think of you

If people don't accept you for who you are they are just acquaintances, not friends.

But this is his question: is this attitude of not being honest with feelings to friends in order to feel more accepted more prevalent in Ireland? The so-called "Laddish" culture. I'm of the opinion it was in the past, but less so nowadays.

Irish lads

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