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SIL upset over date

24

Comments

  • #32
    SusieBlue
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,029 ✭✭✭SusieBlue


    Deleted User wrote: »
    "Very unfair" is a huge overstatement. The date is set for the wedding as suits the requirements of the couple getting married. If that doesn't suit everyone, it's not "unfair" it's unfortunate.

    And what's the big deal about babysitting? Jesus, weren't we all babysat once?

    Babysitting?! The mum would be leaving the child for a minimum of 2 nights while she goes to a foreign country to a wedding, its not like its only for a couple of hours.
    And in this day in age you'd be hard pushed to not only find someone willing to mind the child for that long, but to find someone trustable. I'm sure many parents wouldn't want to go abroad leaving their child with a "babysitter" for that long.

    Its very unfair to be put out that the sister isn't coming when the circumstances of the wedding make it nearly impossible to do so.


  • #33
    lazybones32
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,647 ✭✭✭lazybones32


    MissShihTzu wrote: »
    Actually, NEITHER are being unreasonable! I as well as others have pointed out how strict schools are in the UK when it comes to absences - authorised or not. The OP is entitled to book her wedding when she wants. But -she has to expect that people might not always be able to fall in with their plans. I am sure the SiL and her family would love to attend the wedding, but the children will be a problem as she will find it difficult to take them out of school.

    The OP and her SiL are between a rock and a hard place. I think a resolution can be found, but they need to talk.

    Sister stonewalling brother because he won't get married on a day that suits her? Perfectly reasonable!


  • #34
    GingerLily
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,766 ✭✭✭GingerLily


    [Deleted User] wrote: »
    "Very unfair" is a huge overstatement. The date is set for the wedding as suits the requirements of the couple getting married. If that doesn't suit everyone, it's not "unfair" it's unfortunate.

    And what's the big deal about babysitting? Jesus, weren't we all babysat once?

    I don't feel you read my post correctly, i said it was unfair to expect them to attend.
    You also ignored the reasons I stated that made this situation more then just a babysitter for a few hours on a Friday night.
    I've just gotten married myself and went through this whole process and you definitely are better off being understanding to your guests, whether they can attend or not.

    I'm trying to give genuine advice that I feel will benefit the OP in the long run, I'm not expecting everyone to agree with me, but it's beneficial for her to hear a range of opinions so she approaches the situation as prepared as she can be.


  • #35
    SusieBlue
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,029 ✭✭✭SusieBlue


    lazybones32 wrote: »
    Sister stonewalling brother because he won't get married on a day that suits her? Perfectly reasonable!

    Its not a case of the day not suiting her, its a case of her being unable to bring the child abroad on a week day and during the school term. Its not like she doesn't feel like coming to Ireland that day or has a hair appointment, she has a very valid reason for the day not being suitable.
    Of course the OP is fully entitled to tell her to sling her hook, but at the same time he can't be annoyed she isn't attending.


  • #36
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 11,195 ✭ [Deleted User]


    GingerLily wrote: »
    I don't feel you read my post correctly, i said it was unfair to expect them to attend.
    You also ignored the reasons I stated that made this situation more then just a babysitter for a few hours on a Friday night.
    I've just gotten married myself and went through this whole process and you definitely are better off being understanding to your guests, whether they can attend or not.

    I'm trying to give genuine advice that I feel will benefit the OP in the long run, I'm not expecting everyone to agree with me, but it's beneficial for her to hear a range of opinions so she approaches the situation as prepared as she can be.

    Sorry if that came across too harsh. Not the intention. We're all allowed give our views, obviously.

    I did read your post! I think we're coming at it with different priorities, maybe. I don't think a wedding should be organised around anybody but the couple. Babysitting- and yes even for a few days- comes with parenting. Weddings and similar events don't come around that often but if people find that for them childcare arrangements make these things an impossibility then fair enough- but getting frustrated at those organising the events is unfair.

    I take your point that getting upset if people can't come is likewise counterproductive, but I amn't getting that impression from the OP at all, though she has said that her OH wasn't impressed.


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  • #37
    kylith
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,739 ✭✭✭✭kylith


    WhiteRoses wrote: »
    Babysitting?! The mum would be leaving the child for a minimum of 2 nights while she goes to a foreign country to a wedding, its not like its only for a couple of hours.
    And in this day in age you'd be hard pushed to not only find someone willing to mind the child for that long, but to find someone trustable. I'm sure many parents wouldn't want to go abroad leaving their child with a "babysitter" for that long.

    Its very unfair to be put out that the sister isn't coming when the circumstances of the wedding make it nearly impossible to do so.

    The child presumably has a father, and grandparents on its father's side.


  • #38
    GingerLily
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,766 ✭✭✭GingerLily


    kylith wrote: »
    The child presumably has a father, and grandparents on its father's side.

    That's a big presumption to make, I would think the OP would have mentioned it if it were the case.


  • #39
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP as many have pointed out taking kids out of school in the UK even for a day is a royal pain. People have gone to court over it so I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss your sister in law for that. Even if that weren't the case you will always have this issue when having a wedding, it's never going to suit everyone. It sounds less like the sister is throwing a fit and more the mother is and I can understand her wanting all her kids together as weddings are often the few times you get all of your family together and can get photos etc but at the end of the day you are not going to be able to accommodate everyone. Close family we do tend to make the effort to accommodate but it's just not always possible.

    I would suggest looking at having a small party in the UK at some point after the wedding. My cousin got married in Scotland and we have a very large family but only handful could make the trip over so he organized a party in our home town 2 months later so everyone who couldn't make the wedding got to celebrate. It was like a mini afters, he organized some food, had a limited free bar and eve hired a photographer. People didn't go full wedding outfit but they got dressed up and he got some great family photos to add to the wedding photos. Is this an option? I'm sure the sister isn't the only family member or friend who can't make it.


  • #40
    Thestones
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 257 ✭✭Thestones


    GingerLily wrote: »
    That's a big presumption to make, I would think the OP would have mentioned it if it were the case.

    Also alot of grandparents wouldn't be able for overnight babysitting, I wonder all these people commenting on how easy it is to get a babysitter, do they actually have children. As a parent of two young kids even to get out for a night out for a few hours requires serious organisation, can't imagine the stress trying to arrange to go to another country and who would mind them!


  • #41
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    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,057 ✭✭✭.......


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  • #42
    GingerLily
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,766 ✭✭✭GingerLily


    ....... wrote: »
    So do you then expect people only to organise things to suit you and your limitations?

    Lol, where did they say that?


  • #43
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  • #44
    GingerLily
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,766 ✭✭✭GingerLily


    ....... wrote: »
    Well that is exactly the point I am making - they didnt say it. Im sure they do not have that expectation - nor should anyone.

    So the SIL should not be expecting it to be changed just to suit her limitations due to her having a child - thats her own choice.

    Everybody cant suddenly only hold events she is invited to on dates that suit her childs schooling.

    Is the SIL expecting them to change? Sounds more like the grooms parents have the issue...


  • #45
    bee06
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,514 ✭✭✭bee06


    ....... wrote: »
    Well that is exactly the point I am making - they didnt say it. Im sure they do not have that expectation - nor should anyone.

    So the SIL should not be expecting it to be changed just to suit her limitations due to her having a child - thats her own choice.

    Everybody cant suddenly only hold events she is invited to on dates that suit her childs schooling.

    I wouldn't expect everybody to take guest's children into account however I would have thought it was reasonable to take immediate family into account if you actually wanted them to attend? That's what my husband and I did when we got married.


  • #46
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  • #47
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  • #48
    GingerLily
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,766 ✭✭✭GingerLily


    ....... wrote: »
    She is the one stonewalling so Id imagine so.

    And I "imagine" that she's upset she can't make it and doesn't feel particularly pushed talking to her brother who doesn't seemed fussed having her or her child there.


  • #49
    sashafierce
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,599 ✭✭✭sashafierce


    This post has been deleted.


  • #50
    .......
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  • #51
    bee06
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,514 ✭✭✭bee06


    ....... wrote: »
    If that means then only holding the wedding during the sisters kids school holidays then I think it is unreasonable to expect them to organise their entire wedding based on that.

    Im sure the sister could find a way to attend if she really wanted to.

    An easy way to mitigate hurt feelings if it wasn't possible would be a chat with the sister before they booked explaining the situation. Obviously they didn't realise the strict school requirements before booking so now I'm sure explaining that to the sister would also be welcome. An attitude of "it's my wedding, I can do what I want" gets no-one anywhere.


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  • #52
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  • #53
    lazybones32
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,647 ✭✭✭lazybones32


    WhiteRoses wrote: »
    Its not a case of the day not suiting her, its a case of her being unable to bring the child abroad on a week day and during the school term. Its not like she doesn't feel like coming to Ireland that day or has a hair appointment, she has a very valid reason for the day not being suitable.
    Of course the OP is fully entitled to tell her to sling her hook, but at the same time he can't be annoyed she isn't attending.
    It is a case of it not suiting her. Do i have to elaborate that the conditions aren't suitable for her to be in attendance with her daughter and she has not communicated since? The long and the short is that it doesn't suit her.


  • #54
    GingerLily
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,766 ✭✭✭GingerLily


    It's so strange that people here wouldn't make an effort to try make sure their immediate family could attend their wedding!

    Sure it's up to you OP, but your inlaws are not going to forget about this in a hurry!


  • #55
    SusieBlue
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,029 ✭✭✭SusieBlue


    GingerLily wrote: »
    It's so strange that people here wouldn't make an effort to try make sure their immediate family could attend their wedding!

    Sure it's up to you OP, but your inlaws are not going to forget about this in a hurry!

    Bizarre. Especially seeing as there are extenuating circumstances. A potential fine and prosecution is no joke. Not like she just can't be bothered going that day. :rolleyes:


  • #56
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  • #57
    SusieBlue
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,029 ✭✭✭SusieBlue


    ....... wrote: »
    This post has been deleted.

    Did you even read the thread? It isn't a case of not having a babysitter.

    Children who miss non certified days of school in the UK are served with £120 fines and potential prosecution.

    If the child misses a day of school the parents will be fined. If the parents go without the child, trying to find a babysitter willing to take the child for 2 nights is no mean feat.

    This is close family. I don't agree with them asking to change the date but I don't think the sister is unreasonable for being upset that the child can't go.


  • #58
    Neyite
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 25,947 ✭✭✭✭Neyite


    GingerLily wrote: »
    Is the SIL expecting them to change? Sounds more like the grooms parents have the issue...

    That's what I'm getting from the OP - that they picked their date, the SIL said politely that they cant make it due to it being term time, then MIL is texting the bride to move the goalposts - not the SIL. It seems to me that it's Mammy that is panicking and trying to have the date changed so that folk don't wonder where her daughter is.

    Granted, the SIL seems to have been taken aback by her clod of a brother blithly suggesting to leave the niece behind without considering the logistics of doing that. I could see my brother (pre-children) saying something like that.

    It's not just one day of school. If the wedding is on a Friday, then they'll need to travel on the Thursday. Depending on how far away the wedding is from the airports, there could be a few hours either side of a short flight to add to travel time.

    What I'd do is - talk, not text SIL - and preferably her brother do it rather than leaving it to you. Face-time her and talk about it. She might be grand at missing the wedding (and be well used to turning down Irish invites due to her living in the UK) and not even know about the fuss MIL is causing over it. It might be a storm in a teacup.


  • #59
    Sunny Dayz
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,517 ✭✭✭Sunny Dayz


    I had a quick look on the website of Dept of Education UK equivalent to see what the policy was in relation to absences. It would appear that you need prior approval of the Principal to take a child out of school. You are fined if you take the child out of school without getting approval. Therefore chat with the SIL, suss out what the Principal is like, how amenable he/she is, realistically they are going to need at least 2 days off school. Would a letter from yourself stating the date of the wedding help, or proof of the wedding date from the Registrar? Also they should probably seek approval from the school now to get it all cleared up and sorted.


    https://www.gov.uk/school-attendance-absence


  • #60
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Would it be possible for your sister in law to arrive the Thursday before the wedding..perhaps her partner could stay with the daughter the Thursday night and do the school run etc and then the two of them fly over after school for the wedding afters and the following days celebrations. Of course this all depends on whether the sister has a husband/partner. If not perhaps she has a close friend, cousin or someone who wouldn't mind missing the ceremony so that the sister gets to attend. I know my aunt would give up her place at the wedding for one of my siblings to attend..


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  • #61
    eviltwin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    Sunny Dayz wrote: »
    I had a quick look on the website of Dept of Education UK equivalent to see what the policy was in relation to absences. It would appear that you need prior approval of the Principal to take a child out of school. You are fined if you take the child out of school without getting approval. Therefore chat with the SIL, suss out what the Principal is like, how amenable he/she is, realistically they are going to need at least 2 days off school. Would a letter from yourself stating the date of the wedding help, or proof of the wedding date from the Registrar? Also they should probably seek approval from the school now to get it all cleared up and sorted.


    https://www.gov.uk/school-attendance-absence

    The principal can say a wedding isn't a good enough reason. When I got married my in laws came over from the UK. My nieces had to take two days off school and I ended up having to write a letter to the principal because he initially said no. He changed his mind. My own child took the entire week off no bother.


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