I was called 'ugly'

Bambi985 · 18-08-2017 11:14AM

He's a prick, you'll find them everywhere. His motives are irrelevant as it has nothing to do with you OP. He might have been trying to "insult" you into bed with him as some emotionally retarded morons will do or he might have wanted to take a swipe because his mother never hugged him as a child.

Feck him, you can expect nothing from a pig but a grunt. That should have been your trigger to walk away. Right there, when the word came out of his mouth. Instead of laughing off an awkward situation and letting him off the hook. You should have turned on your heels and walked into the crowd without as much as a glance backwards. Let him feel the full effects of his arseholery. If it was me I'd probably have thrown out a "you're a rude prick, aren't you?" and done my little piece for mankind just because I wouldn't have been able to stop myself. Words not really necessary in these circumstances though.

Kalimah · 18-08-2017 12:11PM

You poor thing OP. I'm so sorry that happened to you. I usually don't post in this forum but I felt I had to say something.

When I was 10 or 11 ( more than 40 years ago) a girl I knew persisted in calling me Dracula's daughter. Sounds funny now but it wasn't at the time. I spent a long time looking in the mirror thinking i'd get better looking as i got older. It didn't really happen and I was definitely not a pretty child or teenager! I remember that time very clearly.

Anyway time went on - I had loads of friends, a great job and eventually met someone who didn't seem to mind my looks so much. Before we got married my father said my fiance was only marrying me for my preferential house loan. I've told very few people about that.

Fast forward 30 something years and the odd person will do a double take when they see me. I do notice. I don't like getting my photo taken, though my wedding photos are not bad. My Facebook photo is 6 years old but I won't change it until I find another that's reasonably acceptable.

At this stage of my life I find I can park all that negativity much more easily. maybe it's getting old that does it. When I find myself having negative thoughts I try banish them as quickly as I can. I can't help my looks so I try focus on my good points. It's not always easy. Funnily enough I never suffered from lack of self esteem really. My kids think I'm great, my hubby loves me, my friends are fantastic.

I liked the Twits reminder someone posted. I'm reminded of that song by GRLS, Ugly Heart. You remember the lyrics?

Okay you're pretty
Your face is a work of art
Your smile could light up New York City after dark
Okay you're Coverboy pretty…
Stamped with a beauty mark.
But it's such a pity a boy so pretty
With an ugly heart.

That's that guy you met. Hopefully he'll get his comeuppance. Karma's a bitch sometimes!
Chin up OP and eff the begrudgers! I wish you much joy and happiness

Airyfairy12 · 18-08-2017 01:08PM

He was trying to neg you, its this thing that creepy guys do to pick up women. They chat to you like a friend, really open/honest to get your trust and you think theyre really sound, they give you compliments then insult you then give you more compliments and back/handed compliments. Theres a guy on youtube that has a channel dedicated to negging and teaching men how to do it, he even demonstrates it on random women, videos the whole encounter and ends up sleeping with them.

cazzer22 · 18-08-2017 02:29PM

PLEASE PLEASE do not believe what an asshole like that has to say. You probably looked stunning and he is trying to wear to down to have more of a chance with you. It's like the old primary school thing where the guy that fancies you they are horrible to you. It's a bizarre tactic, but some people enjoy playing games. An ex of mine (to presumably try and get together) said to me 'I heard from a few people that you fancy me.' which was complete nonsense, but it ended up actually working. Embarrassing to admit. Please don't take some random idiot's opinion into consideration. What you think about yourself is far more important.

....... · 18-08-2017 02:31PM

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LegacyUser · 18-08-2017 03:13PM

I'm sorry you're still so hurt by this a week later. People like this man don't have any understanding of how nasty words wound others. I put on a load of weight a few years ago and I turned into a big girl

An obnoxious uncle started making horrible comments to me about my weight. You'd have to have a hide like a rhinoceros not to hurt when someone says to your face that "You're thriving" or "Mary's been at the jam". To this day I cannot bear to be in the same room as him and I barely acknowledge him. You wouldn't mind only he's a wizened little bachelor who looks like Gollum from Lord of the Rings...

I think you should use this hurt and turn it into something good. If you're not happy with your weight then do what you can to lose it. I went to Slimming World and it was really good. There are plenty of free recipes online if you don't want to start paying to go to classes. Once I slimmed down I got a lot more attention from men too. Many of them prefer a smaller lady. Shed the extra timber and you'll look really great.

Humria · 18-08-2017 06:12PM

There is nothing ambiguous about the word "ugly". No matter how drunk anyone is, they still comprehend that calling someone "ugly" is an insult. This man meant to insult you. He may have seemed nice but calling someone ugly is intentional nastiness, not honesty. As others have said, it's very likely a neg.

Either way this was generic insult and it appears he was going to say it to some woman that night. You were just unfortunate to have been speaking to him at that time.

I hope you are able to let this go and realise that this was ALL about him and what he was hoping to achieve.

Daisy78 · 18-08-2017 10:01PM

I'm sure if you were to canvas the good ladies of Boards as to whether they have received similar comments on a night out you would be surprised at how many would have a similar tale to tell. I have had comments like this on occasion, not as bluntly put as the awful one you were on the receiving end of but similar in it's intent. There is a cohort of men (and I can only speak from a female perspective, there may well be gangs of feral women running around pubs/clubs dishing out similar to the menfolk) who take glee in the opportunity to put women down. Women who don't meet their expectations of what a proper women should look like (in other words Barbie). They almost act as if it is their duty to inform you of your failings as a women. In 2017 they can get away with saying vile things to women that wouldn't have in previous times. Johnny with a bit of drink on him is the bravest man in Ireland and has no fear of telling it like it is. And he can have a laugh with his mates about after down the chipper. Without any self awareness of how much of a loser he really is. A real man has enough social intelligence to know how to engage with another person be it male or female. A real man knows how to make a women feel all the better from having being in his company for 10 minutes, an hour, etc. A real man knows not to make stupid neanderthal comments to a woman he has just met at a social occasion. That wasn't a real man you met my love.

You said that you love to dress up and make the best of your appearance. So why would you let this ****wit take that joy away from you? He doesn't deserve a second more of your precious time. Keep doing what your doing and if you meet someone like this again tell him politely that you would be more than happy to point out his flaws if that's the conversation he intends to have!

Emme · 18-08-2017 11:04PM

Rekop dog wrote: »

Get a good fitness and diet plan together and stick at it and you'll feel a million times better about yourself. Channel your anger and hurt into motivation.

The OP is 5'9" and a size 16. She may not be a skinny minnie but at that height she could well be a healthy BMI. There is no harm in getting fitter because exercise makes you feel better about yourself.

That man sounds like a complete idiot. He was drunk and probably trying to take the OP down so he could have a chance with her. Unfortunately there are lots of assholes like that. I remember one night a guy started chatting me up at 2am and asked me to go home with him. I said no and he said "if you're on your own at 2am you should be grateful for the offer of a ride!"

The OP should put the episode behind her. Most women meet idiots like this at some stage. Some are unfortunate to date them before they realise what they're like. At least this gobsh!te showed his true colours at the start.

December2012 · 19-08-2017 12:27AM

Daisy78 wrote: »

I'm sure if you were to canvas the good ladies of Boards as to whether they have received similar comments on a night out you would be surprised at how many would have a similar tale to tell!

Ooh now you say it I remember a group of drunk lads calling me a "butterface" a few years ago, while walking home from the pub. I didn't know them, didn't talk to them, had no engagement with them; they just started talking about my appearance as if I was an inanimate object. Lucky me! Apparently my legs, bum and waist were to the standards of these casanovas! But my face! Oh my face! My face was a huge letdown to them (aw diddums!)

I've also been called flat chested iron board, a skinny bitch, and now, get comments about looking pregnant.

Obviously I still remember these comments and they stung a lot at the time.

I chalk it up and now have the wisdom to know that it's not about me at all, just about them showing off, or being insensitive, or just being wagons.

Sorry for you that happened. It sucks.

Airyfairy12 · 19-08-2017 01:22AM

Daisy78 wrote: »

I'm sure if you were to canvas the good ladies of Boards as to whether they have received similar comments on a night out you would be surprised at how many would have a similar tale to tell.

This!

On a night out a few years ago a guy id never met before followed me around the pub telling me how ugly he thought I was, when I spoke back to him he became aggressive.
On a bus with my friend a man in the seat in front of us turned around and told my friend she's 'really ugly' then went on about how 'ugly' and 'unattractive' she was for half the journey.
Walking home one evening a man in his car across the road screaming at me to come over to him, when I ignored and kept walking he called me a f**king dog and a sl*t.
Another night in a beer garden I walked past two men who I didnt know, I didnt speak to nor look at and sat down with my friends, they stood there evaluating my appearance and how I wouldnt stand a chance with them and they didnt find me attractive, all within ear shot..like I was an inanimate object, there for decoration and not up to their standards..
Ive also been called flat chested, anorexic among other things. Id be here all day if I was to recite every incident regarding some idiot.

Its says more about him than it does about you.

I remember reading this quote by Dita Von Teese
'You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there's still going to be somebody who hates peaches.'

guppy · 19-08-2017 01:42AM

I know your pain. It's a lack of self confidence, and that's it. Very few people are ugly, most are average, some are stunning. Getting older helps us see that the skin deep beauty is usually attracted to the other skin deep type, the rest of us see the face, love the person, and loving the face becomes one and the same.

I was told something similar at your age, it still stings when I think back, and I'm 38! Those of us with low self-esteem are targets, unfortunately. We don't deserve the comments and we really shouldn't dwell on them, but we can't help it ðŸ˜ž

I've had numerous relationships since that comment, and don't remember the nice things, but remember that one. That's not right. I know my husband adores me, finds me unbelievably attractive and accepts me, warts and all. I should not remember a comment from 18 years ago, but I do.

He said what he said, but it's not your defining moment. It's not true either. I mean, he didn't stay talking to you cos you're a curiosity, he thought he had a chance, then didn't. Don't underestimate what a sleaze will do to bed you.

Please try to put this behind you, he doesn't deserve the head space.

MissShihTzu · 19-08-2017 12:47PM

Tell him you're fed up, not hard up! I bet he was no George Clooney either. Those types never are.

Spirogyra · 19-08-2017 02:05PM

I'm glad that I don't go to pubs any more, except for a few occasions, a few times a year , too many idiots showing off...yes totally skin deep and 'skin deeps' tend to attract each other....

I actually had a friend who told me that she would leave her partner if he ever 'got fat or went bald'...She was keeping herself beautiful 'for him....' I've no idea what their status is now as I lost touch....

suicide_circus · 19-08-2017 05:30PM

He sounds like a cross between Alan Partridge and Patrick Bateman. Lame as fook put down/pick up line. If he thought you were ugly he wouldn't have been chatting to you for over an hour in the smoking area.

Rocket19 · 19-08-2017 08:00PM

Humria wrote: »

Either way this was generic insult and it appears he was going to say it to some woman that night. You were just unfortunate to have been speaking to him at that time.

I agree with the above. If it wasn't you, it would have been someone else. It's just so unfortunate, because you're so young, and just starting to find your feet as an adult. I'm 26 now, and know I would have found a comment like that very difficult to deal with at your age. Not that it would be nice if I heard it now, but I think when you're a bit older, you find it easier to see a guy like that for what he is: a total idiot.

Eleanor Roosevelt said "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent". You should think about this, OP, because the reason his comments are resonating with you so much is because on some level, you believe them. You need to simply just not allow him to have that power over you; to affect how you feel about yourself. He is literally nothing to you, so don't internalise his comments. I really hope you can build your confidence and move past this.

Robsweezie · 19-08-2017 11:27PM

i saw this OP and your case reminds me of it.

https://www.facebook.com/search/str/elaine%2Bcrowley%2Bmessage/keywords_blended_featured_posts?esd=eyJlc2lkIjoiUzpfSTExMTAxNjMxNTU3NzcxMDoxNjUxNzI0NTk0ODQwMjAwIiwicHNpZCI6eyIxMTEwMTYzMTU1Nzc3MTA6MTY1MTcyNDU5NDg0MDIwMCI6IlV6cGZTVEV4TVRBeE5qTXhOVFUzTnpjeE1Eb3hOalV4TnpJME5UazBPRFF3TWpBdyJ9LCJjcmN0IjoibWVkaWEiLCJjc2lkIjoiNGJlY2YzYmQzMDg1MTAzNmMxZjk5NGE4ZWU3MzEwMTYifQ%3D%3D

http://www.independent.ie/entertainment/television/tv-news/a-very-cowardly-action-by-a-very-cowardly-man-elaine-crowley-hits-back-at-troll-who-calls-her-overweight-lonely-cynical-miserable-bint-36038219.html

id imagine the ''man'' who sent her that message and the ''man'' who made that comment to you are one in the same. feel pity for him and his stupidity. forgive him for he knows not what he does, he probably doesnt have the intelligence to. it says more of him than anything.

try your best to move past this for your sake, otherwise you're letting him live on undeservedly in your head. its the opinion of one idiot, someone else may well come along and think you're amazing looking. still i understand why you're upset over this. but, the only type of sadness you should feel now, is sadness for him and his smallness. he might say that to the wrong person and be decked. only a cretin with poor social skills would openly degrade someone like that.

keep working on yourself. maybe go back to the place it happened when you feel up to it. you will move past this. its a setback, but its up to you if it holds you back or not.

hopefully in a weeks time (or longer) you're laughing it off

chakademus · 20-08-2017 12:13AM

I have a two year old boy and the mere thought of him growing up and one night telling a woman he admires them for being ugly and still being able to go out and enjoy themselves, horrifies me.

Ive been insulted like this in the past. I've done the taxi home on my own, fighting back the tears, believing the sh##e some gom had said to me on a night out. The difference is now I'm 38 and if it happened I'd turn around and tell them to eff off.

I hope this horrible interaction will not cause you to put up a guard in future. Remember it is a small fraction of men, and women, who would behave like this. As others have said, it's their lack of social/emotional intelligence .You sound like the kind of girl I'd love to be around and I hope you continue to shine.

P.s write down a one line affirmation like "I am a strong, beautiful, kind and intelligent woman" and repeat it to yourself if you get a niggle of self doubt.

blairbear · 20-08-2017 03:58PM

Hi OP,

you poor, poor thing. I sympathise with you completely. That was a terrible, nasty thing to say, designed to make you feel bad and I agree that he was probably "negging" you in the hopes of getting in your pants.

I am 32 and at this stage of my life, I am comfortable saying that I am a good looking woman with a nice figure. However, I have had similar happen to me on a couple of occasions. One man, 15 years older than me at least, came up to me in a Dublin bar a few years ago and offered to buy me a drink. I said I was grand, and was just out to see friends. He then said that he only came over to me to get a closer look at me; he had never seen a grown woman with such "non-existent t*ts". He kept saying it and laughing. Then called over his mate to see if he agreed. I told him to go f**k himself but I was very shaken up and upset.

On another occasion, a man from work that I had been dating and then decided to stop seeing, told me that several work colleagues were sitting round laughing at me for wearing "so much make up". These were lovely people who had complimented me before. He said he just wanted me to know, out of the kindness of his heart, so I could change my appearance. He also told me months later that a man I was interested in had called me "minging". I spoke directly to the sources both times but several months later. None of it was true. Utter fabrication.

I was very upset by all of those comments. I get nice compliments on a daily basis but those nasty ones stuck with me for quite a while, played on my mind, bored a hole in my brain. I became obsessed with whether I had too much make up on, whether my small boobs made me look unattractive and unfeminine. It is so easy to let these horrible words define you.

I have seen gorgeous friends of mine being called fat on nights out. "Unf**kable" was another one. These women are babes and the men commenting wouldn't stand a chance with them and they know it.

Please don't let this person, who is ugly on the inside, make you feel bad or change the way you feel about yourself. You are beautiful. I don't know you but you are! I bet he fancied you rotten and was trying to make you feel crap so you felt grateful for his attentions.

Malayalam · 20-08-2017 04:19PM

It has nothing to do with you or any form of reality. I'm an older lady OP, with a daughter your age in fact, and some of the nasty comments I got from assholes when I was in my 20s were mind bending. Just as in your case these comments had zero to do with reality because I can say with certainty and the benefit of decades hindsight that I was fecking delicious! Never entertain the memory of his ridiculous remark ever again

LegacyUser · 20-08-2017 04:27PM

Some people are just assholes, maybe he'd had too much to drink or was just trying to undermine us you, what ever the case **** him, unexpected comments like this have a habit of hurting more, hopefully you never see him again if you do kick his ass.

Yellow pack crisps · 20-08-2017 08:27PM

If someone called you a lawnmore would you be a lawmore? No. Forget the guy, regardless of his intentions he is just mean spirited and he will have to live with this. You on the other hand need to work on your self esteem and see yourself as how you want to be seen. If you love yourself you won't care what others say or do.

Starkystark · 20-08-2017 11:21PM

Daisy78 wrote: »

I'm sure if you were to canvas the good ladies of Boards as to whether they have received similar comments on a night out you would be surprised at how many would have a similar tale to tell

Completely agree. It's absolutely horrendous that this actually happens and has happened to you OP. At 19 I had a boy from Secondary School point me out to his friends then mimic that he was vomiting. I cried every night for about a week after it and felt like I never wanted to go out again not to mention even leave the house. Though I've moved on I'll actually never forget how it made me feel back then. I remember seeing him out again about 4 years later and actually approached him. And I brought it up - didn't say hello or anything. I said do you remember that time you did this about me in front of your friends, he shook his head not remembering; I said well you wouldn't because an idiot never remembers. And I walked away.

Recently I got from a fully grown 34 year old man stating that my personality doesn't match my face or body. When questioned as to what he meant by that he couldn't answer. Such a generic ruthless statement to make. I could have spent days analysing it and ripping my confidence to pieces but no he was just trying to manipulate me - because he knew I wasn't into him.

I was called 'ugly'

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