I was called 'ugly'

LegacyUser

Last week I was on a night out with my friend. At one point she was talking to a boy in the nightclub and I went outside for a cigarette. A man in his late 20s (I'm 21) started a conversation with me and we were chatting away for probably close to an hour, about where we were from, what we do in college etc. We were laughing and other people were joining in the odd time, and he commented that I was really funny.

Towards the end of it he said he really admired me, and 'loved the fact that a girl who is ugly can still come out and have a good night and enjoy herself'. I didn't react in the moment, just laughed and kept talking. I've been cut up about it since and it's been swimming around my head and I can't concentrate on anything. I'm a size 16 and uncomfortable with my height (5'9) compared to my smaller, thinner friends, and I definitely don't like certain parts of my body, but I love clothes and makeup and dressing up and was actually feeling really nice about myself when I went out that night.

I know that looks aren't everything and there's so much more to people than what they look like but I feel sick whenever I've looked in the mirror this week and the feeling isn't going away. This guy was drunk but not wrecked and in my head he was just being real and honest, and maybe I'm really and honestly just ugly. I've had one boyfriend in the past and it ended because he cheated on me with more than one girl and all of his/our friends knew and nobody thought enough of me to tell me. Maybe that's why I'm so sensitive about this but I just can't let it go. I feel disgusting when I eat, I feel disgusting putting on clothes and taking a shower. I never believed that anyone thought I was gorgeous but it feels horrible to hear the word 'ugly'.

Is 'beauty' really subjective or are some people just not that pretty? I don't think I have ever looked at a person and thought 'wow, they're ugly' because it's such a harsh word, but he said it so casually and matter of fact. As if it's something I surely knew already. Sorry if this is all a bit pathetic, I know there are much bigger problems out there.

bp

It sounds like one of those messed up pick-up lines, where you insult the person so they feel they must try harder to get the insulter to like them and are more willing to be with them and/or go further than you would have otherwise.

ignore the bloke - beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I have never been one to be attracted to the "male model type" the generic handsome ones (showing my age but Brad Pitt etc was never my type). Please don't think less of yourself because of him.

If you want to feel better get out in fresh air walking etc. This will help lift your spirits and get you away from focusing on what a drunk idiot said. This is coming from someone tall with hips, belly etc and never the "prettiest" in the group of some stunning looking friends. Lads would try chat them up and eyes would slide past me! I am happily married and still not the best looking in the room but I really don't care!

I'd bet he didn't think you were ugly, he was trying to neg you. Backhanded compliment.
He was an absolute asshole, you probably did look lovely.
I know it's easier said than done but please don't let sad cases trying to hit on women from some stupid "treat em mean" notion, get you down.
Maybe talk to a friend about how you feel for some reassurance, I bet they'll say you did look great!

QueenRizla

What he said is ridiculous and not true. Dont give his disgusting comment any more thought. No right thinking person would make such a comment, there is something wrong with him not you.

Another day

His own inferiority complex. Didn't think you would find him attractive so insulted you. Sounds like a young teenager! Ignore and put to the back of your mind.

jacksn

Don't mind him and certainly don't waste another second thinking about him coz he sure ain't thinking about you, he sounds like a complete jerk. There are no words for people like that, move on with your life.. do something extraordinary this weekend, go somewhere you've never been, can be Dun Laoghaire or Donegal! Seek something or hang out with someone inspiring.

Rocket19

What the actual f*ck! What an absolutely horrible person. There's no way he was just being just 'open and honest'; you'd have to be seriously socially inept to call someone ugly in any context, and to not think it's an insult.

I wouldn't look too much into it OP (though I can totally understand why you are). It says far more about him than it does about you. To pointlessly and randomly insult someone screams of insecurity and immaturity, and to honest, you'd have to be a pretty miserable person to bring another person down like that. You would wonder why he wasted his time chatting to you if he had no interest...

Surreptitious

I can imagine what he looked like himself. I have experienced this countless times out. Men would come up and say I needed to lose weight when I was a size ten and all this rubbish. I'm guessing he thought by putting you down you'd be grateful of his attention. He could also have been on drugs or have some kind of issue you couldn't know about just by one chat with him. It might stay with you for a short while but you'll soon forget about this. Feel better

SimpleDimples

What a horrible man. I always think that the people who negatively comment on people's looks, weight, height etc have some real insecurities of their own.

Easier said than done but I couldn't give a second thought to some stupid gob****e's words. Who does he think he is?

charlietheminxx

When I was younger I knew a couple of lads who did this sort of thing. One night I was out with them and some lad was flirting with me and one of these eejits said "sure you know he's only after you because everyone knows the fat one in the group is the easiest". I was bitterly hurt at the time but I saw these lads on other occasions put women down so they would feel "grateful" that they were getting attention despite their "flaws". They'd put them down and then soften it with a compliment e.g. "I think it's great when someone makes the best of themselves like you do, youre really sexy despite not being as pretty as your friends. I'd say they get all the attention usually do they?" Some people are warped and play on others insecurities to get what they want. Thankfully few men are like that.... gob****es like this are few and far between!

I bet you're a stunning woman and you deserve more than letting this class of fool inside your head. Keep your head up high and know your own worth, don't let anyone else make you feel crap about yourself.

Your Face

Yer 'man' sounds like a sociopath.

retro:electro

Jesus what a comment to make to someone. Are you sure he wasn't joking? You said you laughed afterwards, did he too? Maybe he just has a really weird sense of humour? I don't know. Maybe I'm trying to rationalise it too much, because I honestly cannot understand why someone would ever say that to someone, let alone someone on a night out all dressed up and enjoying themselves.

Op you are not ugly, and I can tell that much just by the few words you've written above. If it helps, I've never in my life looked at a person and thought they were ugly- ever. There is ALWAYS something beautiful about a person. If you are any way as lovely on the outside as you come across in your op, you have absolutely nothing to worry about. I've been called ugly on nights out before, as have most of my friends. We are not ugly, and neither are you. Don't let the words of a complete stranger have an impact on how you see yourself. He doesn't know you and he doesn't deserve to.

spurious

Ugly is as ugly does. I think you know who the ugly one was.

andekwarhola

I'm a man and I'd almost certainly say he was chatting you up but was either insecure or, most likely as already said, trying to 'neg' you by running you down.

If a prat like that genuinely thought you were unattractive, he wouldn't have spent an hour talking to you.

Just forget it and don't over analyze it. He is a prick and there are plenty of decent men out there.

Really Interested

feeldisgusting wrote: »

Last week I was on a night out with my friend. At one point she was talking to a boy in the nightclub and I went outside for a cigarette. A man in his late 20s (I'm 21) started a conversation with me and we were chatting away for probably close to an hour, about where we were from, what we do in college etc. We were laughing and other people were joining in the odd time, and he commented that I was really funny.

Towards the end of it he said he really admired me, and 'loved the fact that a girl who is ugly can still come out and have a good night and enjoy herself'. I didn't react in the moment, just laughed and kept talking. I've been cut up about it since and it's been swimming around my head and I can't concentrate on anything. I'm a size 16 and uncomfortable with my height (5'9) compared to my smaller, thinner friends, and I definitely don't like certain parts of my body, but I love clothes and makeup and dressing up and was actually feeling really nice about myself when I went out that night.

I know that looks aren't everything and there's so much more to people than what they look like but I feel sick whenever I've looked in the mirror this week and the feeling isn't going away. This guy was drunk but not wrecked and in my head he was just being real and honest, and maybe I'm really and honestly just ugly. I've had one boyfriend in the past and it ended because he cheated on me with more than one girl and all of his/our friends knew and nobody thought enough of me to tell me. Maybe that's why I'm so sensitive about this but I just can't let it go. I feel disgusting when I eat, I feel disgusting putting on clothes and taking a shower. I never believed that anyone thought I was gorgeous but it feels horrible to hear the word 'ugly'.

Is 'beauty' really subjective or are some people just not that pretty? I don't think I have ever looked at a person and thought 'wow, they're ugly' because it's such a harsh word, but he said it so casually and matter of fact. As if it's something I surely knew already. Sorry if this is all a bit pathetic, I know there are much bigger problems out there.

What a total piece of garbage.

Nobody normal has a interesting conversation with another person for a hour and then says that.

2 options 1 he thought he was being funny (some younger guys with little experience treat other people like their mates) no excuse and you better off away from a guy like that 2 he was seeing if you would try harder, again shows him up to be a freak and you better off away.

bilbot79

It's not normal to suggest someone is ugly to their face. It's not a normal comment.

You might not be gorgeous but it's quite likely that you're not 'ugly' or what you perceive to be ugly. I imagine that if he remembers that he feels terribly guilty as he didn't mean it or he's a manipulative c**t who deliberately dropped the word to cause pain.

No one casually says that. I have no doubt that you are not as bad as he has made you feel.

Really Interested

bilbot79 wrote: »

It's not normal to suggest someone is ugly to their face. It's not a normal comment.

You might not be gorgeous but it's quite likely that you're not 'ugly' or what you perceive to be ugly. I imagine that if he remembers that he feels terribly guilty as he didn't mean it or he's a manipulative c**t who deliberately dropped the word to cause pain.

No one casually says that. I have no doubt that you are not as bad as he has made you feel.

Please reread your post and tell me you are not taking the piss!

bilbot79

Really Interested wrote: »

Please reread your post and tell me you are not taking the piss!

?

Really Interested

bilbot79 wrote: »

?

" it's quite likely that you're not 'ugly'"

"I have no doubt that you are not as bad as he has made you fee"

Really.

bilbot79

Really Interested wrote: »

" it's quite likely that you're not 'ugly'"

"I have no doubt that you are not as bad as he has made you fee"

Really.

Still not getting it. You'll need to explain your inferences

Really Interested

bilbot79 wrote: »

Still not getting it. You'll need to explain your inferences

Ok we will go with bad joke then.

Wexfordboy89

bilbot79 wrote: »

Still not getting it. You'll need to explain your inferences

I think he means by saying "im sure your not as bad as he made you feel" sounds like you are saying "well your ugly but not that ugly".

fizzypish

Drunken honesty isn't honesty. The guy was 21. Everyone's an idiot when their 21. He didn't find you attractive and expressed this like a twat or he's a dick or he was trying one of those PUA type lines in a real ****ty way. Attractiveness is all relative. To some other guy, your a knockout. Getting over other peoples ****ty actions or comments is a tough one but you cant let it effect you. That's the road to madness.

mojesius

I could have written this 15 yrs ago. When I was younger in a bar. Someone I vaguely knew turned around to me out of nowhere and said 'your face is wrecked' and his friends laughed. It stuck with me for a few years, and I discounted the many more lovely compliments I received for years as lies.

It wasn't solely that incident that drove me to do this but I eventually went to counselling to help my low self esteem. It helped me a lot, alongside great friends and family. Please talk to someone and dont suffer alone or be hard on yourself. You sound like a lovely person and he was just a drunk twat in a nightclub. He probably has many warped chat up lines like this one he uses in every conversation with a woman!

I actually saw that guy a few years ago and he didn't look so great, old and worn before he should... I reread a few roald dahl books a while back and the whole incident reminded me of this great piece from 'the twits':

"A person has ugly thoughts, it begins to show on the face. And when that person has ugly thoughts every day, every week, every year, the face gets uglier and uglier until you can hardly bear to look at it.
A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts it will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely."

Be kind to yourself X

neonsofa

mojesius wrote: »

I actually saw that guy a few years ago and he didn't look so great, old and worn before he should... I reread a few roald dahl books a while back and the whole incident reminded me of this great piece from 'the twits':

"A person has ugly thoughts, it begins to show on the face. And when that person has ugly thoughts every day, every week, every year, the face gets uglier and uglier until you can hardly bear to look at it.
A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts it will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely."

Be kind to yourself X

I love this quote. My little one explained this to me once after reading the twits and said "and mam you're so pretty so you must have really nice thoughts" and I'm no looker- we all know kids say exactly as they see it, so it is a very true point! She saw the way I treat her (like a princess :pac: ) as beauty, and most people do, even when people say things like "there is just something about them" it is generally not physical, but something within them that shows through.

What that man said definitely seems like one of those pick up lines where they insult you to keep you interested or some such.

Even if- and not saying you are- you were the most horrendous looking person on the planet, who would you rather be, someone who doesn't look a certain way or someone who caused unnecessary emotional pain to another person? One is definitely more "ugly" than the other.

Look after yourself xxx

Katgurl

God what an absolute muppet. It is quite possible he had a really bizarre sense of humour and thought it was obvious he considered you gorgeous, was trying some weird pua strategy or was just a nasty piece of work who needs to make other people feel bad.

I actually went out with a guy i was crazy about but he was very very self conscious about one aspect of his appearance. He would do something similar when he was drunk; get really chatty with someone then take a swipe, any swipe. I tried to make it work with him because i knew him and knew it was masking his own insecurities but after he did it too many times i thought "i am not your therapist buddy."

Look i don't know what this guy's deal is that thought he was entitled to speak to you in such a disgusting way. But i do know on two occasions in my life that something similar has happened; one guy told me i must have no self respect as i let myself get fat and another said i looked like i was in my 50's.

I can tell you now with absolute conviction that neither of these things are remotely true. Both those guys were utter weirdos and had a load of issues.

It is nothing to do with you. He has problems. Let him deal with them and do not dream of allowing him impact how you feel about yourself.

In fact think of it the opposite way; i have one really needy insecure vain friend. She has blonde hair. Some randomer was chatting her up and told her she looked like some celeb. She never shut up about it afterwards! She would download photos of said celeb, repeat exaggerated version of conversation to all and sundry, claim she got confused with this person, call her her twin, sit staring at photos of herself and celeb forever. It was laughable. I'm sure you can see that. But this is exactly the same situ just backwards. He had some other motive for his remark but that's his problem, don't let it be yours.

By the way, if i sound cold or unsympathetic i am not. I felt sick reading your op. He is a horrible piece of work.

SusieBlue

This is actually far more common than you'd think. When I used to work nights, myself and my (female) colleagues would often stop in McDonalds after a shift for a bite to eat.
More times than I care to remember, we'd be sitting, minding our own business eating, when some casanova would join our table without invitation. They'd intrude on the conversation, asking stupid questions, in lame attempts to chat us up.
We'd politely tell them we weren't interested, hadn't been on the beer, and were just finishing work. Then the insults would start. "You're all ugly fat bitches anyway"..."You should be grateful you're getting a bit of attention, no wonder you're all single"..."Ye have no manners we're just trying to have a chat, don't be rude"... All coming from men who had invaded our space without permission.
This type of thing only ever happened to me after work while sober, from drunk men.

It used to actually really upset me and embarrass me OP but its 100% an insecurity thing. When even a whiff of rejection comes before these men, their defense mechanism kicks in and go into attack mode.
He wouldn't have spent an hour in your company if he didn't find you attractive, in his own warped way he was probably trying to gauge your interest.

Please forget about his comment. He was an as*hole and you sound like a lovely girl.

team_actimel

fizzypish wrote: »

Drunken honesty isn't honesty. The guy was 21. Everyone's an idiot when their 21. He didn't find you attractive and expressed this like a twat or he's a dick or he was trying one of those PUA type lines in a real ****ty way. Attractiveness is all relative. To some other guy, your a knockout. Getting over other peoples ****ty actions or comments is a tough one but you cant let it effect you. That's the road to madness.

The guy was in his late 20s, he's not 21.

And age shouldn't be used as an excuse anyway. Even a 15 year old boy wouldn't call a girl ugly to her face.

Jay Pentatonic

F*ck that guy

Really Interested

Jay1989 wrote: »

F*ck that guy

I hope noone does, I bet it would be really crap.

Rekop dog

feeldisgusting wrote: »

I feel disgusting when I eat, I feel disgusting putting on clothes and taking a shower.

Get a good fitness and diet plan together and stick at it and you'll feel a million times better about yourself. Channel your anger and hurt into motivation.

Bambi985

He's a prick, you'll find them everywhere. His motives are irrelevant as it has nothing to do with you OP. He might have been trying to "insult" you into bed with him as some emotionally retarded morons will do or he might have wanted to take a swipe because his mother never hugged him as a child.

Feck him, you can expect nothing from a pig but a grunt. That should have been your trigger to walk away. Right there, when the word came out of his mouth. Instead of laughing off an awkward situation and letting him off the hook. You should have turned on your heels and walked into the crowd without as much as a glance backwards. Let him feel the full effects of his arseholery. If it was me I'd probably have thrown out a "you're a rude prick, aren't you?" and done my little piece for mankind just because I wouldn't have been able to stop myself. Words not really necessary in these circumstances though.

Kalimah

You poor thing OP. I'm so sorry that happened to you. I usually don't post in this forum but I felt I had to say something.

When I was 10 or 11 ( more than 40 years ago) a girl I knew persisted in calling me Dracula's daughter. Sounds funny now but it wasn't at the time. I spent a long time looking in the mirror thinking i'd get better looking as i got older. It didn't really happen and I was definitely not a pretty child or teenager! I remember that time very clearly.

Anyway time went on - I had loads of friends, a great job and eventually met someone who didn't seem to mind my looks so much. Before we got married my father said my fiance was only marrying me for my preferential house loan. I've told very few people about that.

Fast forward 30 something years and the odd person will do a double take when they see me. I do notice. I don't like getting my photo taken, though my wedding photos are not bad. My Facebook photo is 6 years old but I won't change it until I find another that's reasonably acceptable.

At this stage of my life I find I can park all that negativity much more easily. maybe it's getting old that does it. When I find myself having negative thoughts I try banish them as quickly as I can. I can't help my looks so I try focus on my good points. It's not always easy. Funnily enough I never suffered from lack of self esteem really. My kids think I'm great, my hubby loves me, my friends are fantastic.

I liked the Twits reminder someone posted. I'm reminded of that song by GRLS, Ugly Heart. You remember the lyrics?

Okay you're pretty
Your face is a work of art
Your smile could light up New York City after dark
Okay you're Coverboy pretty…
Stamped with a beauty mark.
But it's such a pity a boy so pretty
With an ugly heart.

That's that guy you met. Hopefully he'll get his comeuppance. Karma's a bitch sometimes!
Chin up OP and eff the begrudgers! I wish you much joy and happiness

Airyfairy12

He was trying to neg you, its this thing that creepy guys do to pick up women. They chat to you like a friend, really open/honest to get your trust and you think theyre really sound, they give you compliments then insult you then give you more compliments and back/handed compliments. Theres a guy on youtube that has a channel dedicated to negging and teaching men how to do it, he even demonstrates it on random women, videos the whole encounter and ends up sleeping with them.

cazzer22

PLEASE PLEASE do not believe what an asshole like that has to say. You probably looked stunning and he is trying to wear to down to have more of a chance with you. It's like the old primary school thing where the guy that fancies you they are horrible to you. It's a bizarre tactic, but some people enjoy playing games. An ex of mine (to presumably try and get together) said to me 'I heard from a few people that you fancy me.' which was complete nonsense, but it ended up actually working. Embarrassing to admit. Please don't take some random idiot's opinion into consideration. What you think about yourself is far more important.

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LegacyUser

I'm sorry you're still so hurt by this a week later. People like this man don't have any understanding of how nasty words wound others. I put on a load of weight a few years ago and I turned into a big girl An obnoxious uncle started making horrible comments to me about my weight. You'd have to have a hide like a rhinoceros not to hurt when someone says to your face that "You're thriving" or "Mary's been at the jam". To this day I cannot bear to be in the same room as him and I barely acknowledge him. You wouldn't mind only he's a wizened little bachelor who looks like Gollum from Lord of the Rings...

I think you should use this hurt and turn it into something good. If you're not happy with your weight then do what you can to lose it. I went to Slimming World and it was really good. There are plenty of free recipes online if you don't want to start paying to go to classes. Once I slimmed down I got a lot more attention from men too. Many of them prefer a smaller lady. Shed the extra timber and you'll look really great.

Humria

There is nothing ambiguous about the word "ugly". No matter how drunk anyone is, they still comprehend that calling someone "ugly" is an insult. This man meant to insult you. He may have seemed nice but calling someone ugly is intentional nastiness, not honesty. As others have said, it's very likely a neg.

Either way this was generic insult and it appears he was going to say it to some woman that night. You were just unfortunate to have been speaking to him at that time.

I hope you are able to let this go and realise that this was ALL about him and what he was hoping to achieve.

Daisy78

I'm sure if you were to canvas the good ladies of Boards as to whether they have received similar comments on a night out you would be surprised at how many would have a similar tale to tell. I have had comments like this on occasion, not as bluntly put as the awful one you were on the receiving end of but similar in it's intent. There is a cohort of men (and I can only speak from a female perspective, there may well be gangs of feral women running around pubs/clubs dishing out similar to the menfolk) who take glee in the opportunity to put women down. Women who don't meet their expectations of what a proper women should look like (in other words Barbie). They almost act as if it is their duty to inform you of your failings as a women. In 2017 they can get away with saying vile things to women that wouldn't have in previous times. Johnny with a bit of drink on him is the bravest man in Ireland and has no fear of telling it like it is. And he can have a laugh with his mates about after down the chipper. Without any self awareness of how much of a loser he really is. A real man has enough social intelligence to know how to engage with another person be it male or female. A real man knows how to make a women feel all the better from having being in his company for 10 minutes, an hour, etc. A real man knows not to make stupid neanderthal comments to a woman he has just met at a social occasion. That wasn't a real man you met my love.

You said that you love to dress up and make the best of your appearance. So why would you let this ****wit take that joy away from you? He doesn't deserve a second more of your precious time. Keep doing what your doing and if you meet someone like this again tell him politely that you would be more than happy to point out his flaws if that's the conversation he intends to have!

Emme

Rekop dog wrote: »

Get a good fitness and diet plan together and stick at it and you'll feel a million times better about yourself. Channel your anger and hurt into motivation.

The OP is 5'9" and a size 16. She may not be a skinny minnie but at that height she could well be a healthy BMI. There is no harm in getting fitter because exercise makes you feel better about yourself.

That man sounds like a complete idiot. He was drunk and probably trying to take the OP down so he could have a chance with her. Unfortunately there are lots of assholes like that. I remember one night a guy started chatting me up at 2am and asked me to go home with him. I said no and he said "if you're on your own at 2am you should be grateful for the offer of a ride!"

The OP should put the episode behind her. Most women meet idiots like this at some stage. Some are unfortunate to date them before they realise what they're like. At least this gobsh!te showed his true colours at the start.

December2012

Daisy78 wrote: »

I'm sure if you were to canvas the good ladies of Boards as to whether they have received similar comments on a night out you would be surprised at how many would have a similar tale to tell!

Ooh now you say it I remember a group of drunk lads calling me a "butterface" a few years ago, while walking home from the pub. I didn't know them, didn't talk to them, had no engagement with them; they just started talking about my appearance as if I was an inanimate object. Lucky me! Apparently my legs, bum and waist were to the standards of these casanovas! But my face! Oh my face! My face was a huge letdown to them (aw diddums!)

I've also been called flat chested iron board, a skinny bitch, and now, get comments about looking pregnant.

Obviously I still remember these comments and they stung a lot at the time.

I chalk it up and now have the wisdom to know that it's not about me at all, just about them showing off, or being insensitive, or just being wagons.

Sorry for you that happened. It sucks.

Airyfairy12

Daisy78 wrote: »

I'm sure if you were to canvas the good ladies of Boards as to whether they have received similar comments on a night out you would be surprised at how many would have a similar tale to tell.

This!

On a night out a few years ago a guy id never met before followed me around the pub telling me how ugly he thought I was, when I spoke back to him he became aggressive.
On a bus with my friend a man in the seat in front of us turned around and told my friend she's 'really ugly' then went on about how 'ugly' and 'unattractive' she was for half the journey.
Walking home one evening a man in his car across the road screaming at me to come over to him, when I ignored and kept walking he called me a f**king dog and a sl*t.
Another night in a beer garden I walked past two men who I didnt know, I didnt speak to nor look at and sat down with my friends, they stood there evaluating my appearance and how I wouldnt stand a chance with them and they didnt find me attractive, all within ear shot..like I was an inanimate object, there for decoration and not up to their standards..
Ive also been called flat chested, anorexic among other things. Id be here all day if I was to recite every incident regarding some idiot.

Its says more about him than it does about you.

I remember reading this quote by Dita Von Teese
'You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there's still going to be somebody who hates peaches.'

guppy

I know your pain. It's a lack of self confidence, and that's it. Very few people are ugly, most are average, some are stunning. Getting older helps us see that the skin deep beauty is usually attracted to the other skin deep type, the rest of us see the face, love the person, and loving the face becomes one and the same.

I was told something similar at your age, it still stings when I think back, and I'm 38! Those of us with low self-esteem are targets, unfortunately. We don't deserve the comments and we really shouldn't dwell on them, but we can't help it 😞

I've had numerous relationships since that comment, and don't remember the nice things, but remember that one. That's not right. I know my husband adores me, finds me unbelievably attractive and accepts me, warts and all. I should not remember a comment from 18 years ago, but I do.

He said what he said, but it's not your defining moment. It's not true either. I mean, he didn't stay talking to you cos you're a curiosity, he thought he had a chance, then didn't. Don't underestimate what a sleaze will do to bed you.

Please try to put this behind you, he doesn't deserve the head space.

MissShihTzu

Tell him you're fed up, not hard up! I bet he was no George Clooney either. Those types never are.

Spirogyra

I'm glad that I don't go to pubs any more, except for a few occasions, a few times a year , too many idiots showing off...yes totally skin deep and 'skin deeps' tend to attract each other....

I actually had a friend who told me that she would leave her partner if he ever 'got fat or went bald'...She was keeping herself beautiful 'for him....' I've no idea what their status is now as I lost touch....

suicide_circus

He sounds like a cross between Alan Partridge and Patrick Bateman. Lame as fook put down/pick up line. If he thought you were ugly he wouldn't have been chatting to you for over an hour in the smoking area.

Rocket19

Humria wrote: »

Either way this was generic insult and it appears he was going to say it to some woman that night. You were just unfortunate to have been speaking to him at that time.

I agree with the above. If it wasn't you, it would have been someone else. It's just so unfortunate, because you're so young, and just starting to find your feet as an adult. I'm 26 now, and know I would have found a comment like that very difficult to deal with at your age. Not that it would be nice if I heard it now, but I think when you're a bit older, you find it easier to see a guy like that for what he is: a total idiot.

Eleanor Roosevelt said "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent". You should think about this, OP, because the reason his comments are resonating with you so much is because on some level, you believe them. You need to simply just not allow him to have that power over you; to affect how you feel about yourself. He is literally nothing to you, so don't internalise his comments. I really hope you can build your confidence and move past this.

Robsweezie

i saw this OP and your case reminds me of it.

https://www.facebook.com/search/str/elaine%2Bcrowley%2Bmessage/keywords_blended_featured_posts?esd=eyJlc2lkIjoiUzpfSTExMTAxNjMxNTU3NzcxMDoxNjUxNzI0NTk0ODQwMjAwIiwicHNpZCI6eyIxMTEwMTYzMTU1Nzc3MTA6MTY1MTcyNDU5NDg0MDIwMCI6IlV6cGZTVEV4TVRBeE5qTXhOVFUzTnpjeE1Eb3hOalV4TnpJME5UazBPRFF3TWpBdyJ9LCJjcmN0IjoibWVkaWEiLCJjc2lkIjoiNGJlY2YzYmQzMDg1MTAzNmMxZjk5NGE4ZWU3MzEwMTYifQ%3D%3D

http://www.independent.ie/entertainment/television/tv-news/a-very-cowardly-action-by-a-very-cowardly-man-elaine-crowley-hits-back-at-troll-who-calls-her-overweight-lonely-cynical-miserable-bint-36038219.html

id imagine the ''man'' who sent her that message and the ''man'' who made that comment to you are one in the same. feel pity for him and his stupidity. forgive him for he knows not what he does, he probably doesnt have the intelligence to. it says more of him than anything.

try your best to move past this for your sake, otherwise you're letting him live on undeservedly in your head. its the opinion of one idiot, someone else may well come along and think you're amazing looking. still i understand why you're upset over this. but, the only type of sadness you should feel now, is sadness for him and his smallness. he might say that to the wrong person and be decked. only a cretin with poor social skills would openly degrade someone like that.

keep working on yourself. maybe go back to the place it happened when you feel up to it. you will move past this. its a setback, but its up to you if it holds you back or not.

hopefully in a weeks time (or longer) you're laughing it off

chakademus

I have a two year old boy and the mere thought of him growing up and one night telling a woman he admires them for being ugly and still being able to go out and enjoy themselves, horrifies me.

Ive been insulted like this in the past. I've done the taxi home on my own, fighting back the tears, believing the sh##e some gom had said to me on a night out. The difference is now I'm 38 and if it happened I'd turn around and tell them to eff off.

I hope this horrible interaction will not cause you to put up a guard in future. Remember it is a small fraction of men, and women, who would behave like this. As others have said, it's their lack of social/emotional intelligence .You sound like the kind of girl I'd love to be around and I hope you continue to shine.

P.s write down a one line affirmation like "I am a strong, beautiful, kind and intelligent woman" and repeat it to yourself if you get a niggle of self doubt.

blairbear

Hi OP,

you poor, poor thing. I sympathise with you completely. That was a terrible, nasty thing to say, designed to make you feel bad and I agree that he was probably "negging" you in the hopes of getting in your pants.

I am 32 and at this stage of my life, I am comfortable saying that I am a good looking woman with a nice figure. However, I have had similar happen to me on a couple of occasions. One man, 15 years older than me at least, came up to me in a Dublin bar a few years ago and offered to buy me a drink. I said I was grand, and was just out to see friends. He then said that he only came over to me to get a closer look at me; he had never seen a grown woman with such "non-existent t*ts". He kept saying it and laughing. Then called over his mate to see if he agreed. I told him to go f**k himself but I was very shaken up and upset.

On another occasion, a man from work that I had been dating and then decided to stop seeing, told me that several work colleagues were sitting round laughing at me for wearing "so much make up". These were lovely people who had complimented me before. He said he just wanted me to know, out of the kindness of his heart, so I could change my appearance. He also told me months later that a man I was interested in had called me "minging". I spoke directly to the sources both times but several months later. None of it was true. Utter fabrication.

I was very upset by all of those comments. I get nice compliments on a daily basis but those nasty ones stuck with me for quite a while, played on my mind, bored a hole in my brain. I became obsessed with whether I had too much make up on, whether my small boobs made me look unattractive and unfeminine. It is so easy to let these horrible words define you.

I have seen gorgeous friends of mine being called fat on nights out. "Unf**kable" was another one. These women are babes and the men commenting wouldn't stand a chance with them and they know it.

Please don't let this person, who is ugly on the inside, make you feel bad or change the way you feel about yourself. You are beautiful. I don't know you but you are! I bet he fancied you rotten and was trying to make you feel crap so you felt grateful for his attentions.

Malayalam

It has nothing to do with you or any form of reality. I'm an older lady OP, with a daughter your age in fact, and some of the nasty comments I got from assholes when I was in my 20s were mind bending. Just as in your case these comments had zero to do with reality because I can say with certainty and the benefit of decades hindsight that I was fecking delicious! Never entertain the memory of his ridiculous remark ever again