Divorce

12-07-2017 03:11PM #1

Divorce in modern Irish society.

Thinking about this after having a conversation with a 35 years old man who is normally very reticent but after a few drink was enplaning to me that he was only aiming to get married once as an explication of why he was only moving in with his girlfriend after 4 years together.

He is very cautious because he is the child of separated parents.

Divorce rates in Ireland are low by international standards, people are getting married older and usually have spent a significant amount of time living together or in a relationship before they married or have children.

So how come there is still divorce despite the fact that people may have spent 8/9 or 10 years together before they marry surely if they have spent 10 years together before they marry they are sure its for life.

Gloomtastic! · 12-07-2017 03:13PM

Cos boys will be boys and girls will be bitches!

ohnonotgmail · 12-07-2017 03:14PM

Even after 10+ years together you cant guarantee that you really know somebody. i speak from experience.

Winterlong · 12-07-2017 03:15PM

People change. What you like and who you are at 30 can be very different to when you are 50.

Dr Crayfish · 12-07-2017 03:16PM

I'm thinking of 4 of my male friends that got married just because their girlfriends wanted a wedding etc, they're all separated now. Marriage isn't really needed nowadays in modern society. We have lots of choice and can be secure on our own. The reality of marriage is pretty bleak, spending the same day with someone for the rest of your life. At least that's how I feel about it. Women needed a good working husband back in the day to look after them, but they can look after themselves nowadays for the most part.
I don't get it at all really, the marriage thing, it doesn't seem to work for most people from what I can see.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock · 12-07-2017 03:17PM

mariaalice wrote: »

Divorce in modern Irish society.

Thinking about this after having a conversation with a 35 years old man who is normally very reticent but after a few drink was enplaning to me that he was only aiming to get married once as an explication of why he was only moving in with his girlfriend after 4 years together.

He is very cautious because he is the child of separated parents.

Divorce rates in Ireland are low by international standards, people are getting married older and usually have spent a significant amount of time living together or in a relationship before they married or have children.

So how come there is still divorce despite the fact that people may have spent 8/9 or 10 years together before they marry surely if they have spent 10 years together before they marry they are sure its for life.

Mainly because people don;t listen to the Church any more.

Time is no indicator of a good marriage - my parents got divorced after 26 years. It's also needed as a legal status because you're talking about the dissolution of a legally binding agreement.

ohnonotgmail · 12-07-2017 03:22PM

Princess Consuela Bananahammock wrote: »

Mainly because people don;t listen to the Church any more.

Time is no indicator of a good marriage - my parents got divorced after 26 years. It's also needed as a legal status because you're talking about the dissolution of a legally binding agreement.

you mean they aren't forced to stay married even if they are miserable? i can only think this is a good thing.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock · 12-07-2017 03:23PM

ohnonotgmail wrote: »

you mean they aren't forced to stay married even if they are miserable? i can only think this is a good thing.

Oh, absolutely.

Syphonax · 12-07-2017 03:27PM

I think the real question here is why does the man always get screwed over after a divorce. A close relation of mine has been with partners who were divorced from previous relationships and the story for both is the same. There are kids involvde and whenever the mother feel like she needs time to herself she literally dumps them on the father with little or no notification, the fathers dont/cant refuse this as they feel it would mean te mother will turn the child against the father if they do. Theres also maintenance the father must pay the mpother directly, wheter that money goes on the child is anyones guess but one of the mothers is an alcoholic and the father repeatable has to by the child clothes school books on top of the maintenance. The propert they had bought is now in the mothers name as part of the selement that was reached....the father is paying the mortgage for this.

12-07-2017 03:27PM

Princess Consuela Bananahammock wrote: »

Mainly because people don;t listen to the Church any more.

Time is no indicator of a good marriage - my parents got divorced after 26 years. It's also needed as a legal status because you're talking about the dissolution of a legally binding agreement.

My point is people who get married after say 10 years together BEFORE they marry are in their mid to late 30ths when they get married. They have had a life, a career and maybe travelled plus know themselves and their partner well and it still doesn't mean they won't end up divorcing.

This is not about the church, alcoholic parents etc I am talking about the average couple.

ohnonotgmail · 12-07-2017 03:28PM

Anybody else got the Tammy Wynette song running through their heads?

ohnonotgmail · 12-07-2017 03:30PM

mariaalice wrote: »

My point is people who get married after say 10 years together BEFORE they marry are in their mid to late 30ths when they get married. They have had a life, a career and maybe travelled plus know themselves and their partner well and it still doesn't mean they won't end up divorcing.

you're right, it doesnt. People change continually throughout their life. sometimes that means that two people change in incompatible ways.

silverharp · 12-07-2017 03:35PM

Dr Crayfish wrote: »

I'm thinking of 4 of my male friends that got married just because their girlfriends wanted a wedding etc, they're all separated now. Marriage isn't really needed nowadays in modern society. We have lots of choice and can be secure on our own. The reality of marriage is pretty bleak, spending the same day with someone for the rest of your life. At least that's how I feel about it. Women needed a good working husband back in the day to look after them, but they can look after themselves nowadays for the most part.
I don't get it at all really, the marriage thing, it doesn't seem to work for most people from what I can see.

the majority of people still want kids and a family and its easier to raise a family with 2 parents.

Pherekydes · 12-07-2017 03:35PM

Syphonax wrote: »

I think the real question here is why does the man always get screwed over after a divorce.

I didn't. Generalisations are always wrong.

See what I did there? :pac:

When I got married the first time divorce didn't exist in this country. We were finally divorced after 16 years apart. But only because she looked for it and paid for it. I didn't care. I got the house, too.

Widdershins · 12-07-2017 03:37PM

Why people keep remarrying is the one that confuses me. I can understand a second marriage. I've a friend who seems to automatically propose to all of his girlfriends. Marriage isn't taken seriously enough by people like that.

Also the bit about the man being cautious because his parents separated. I have an ex, child of divorced parents who still badmouth each other, who was quite badminded and suspicious toward me. He was always telling those jokes about the man who chose a life of fishing, road trips and beer whenever, over his girlfriend. The reality that I don't have a problem with fishing, road trips or beer never seemed to cross his poor messed up mind. It was really bitter and twisted and sad. It's tragic how the parents relationship breakdown affects the child. In some cases.

seamus · 12-07-2017 03:38PM

Because time changes things. People change over time, and unless they talk openly about their changing mindset they can end up drifting away from one another.

I know of one couple who went out from their mid-teens and got married in their early 30s only to break up a year later. His Dad died and he had an existential crisis, lost the plot and left her to re-evaluate his life.

Children are also a massive upheaval. A couple who are going out for ten years are fairly set; they know each other well, they have their little routines and rituals.
Then they decide to have kids, but consider marriage an essential precursor. They get married, have kids and then absolutely everything changes. The focus of the relationship changes entirely, all of their routines and rituals obliterated, and the amount of time they share together drops dramatically.

Divorce rates in Ireland are low because there's still a social stigma about divorce among the older generations and because of the 4 year waiting period. A lot of people split up and just don't bother getting a formal divorce.

Fantomas9mm · 12-07-2017 03:41PM

Am I correct in thinking that pre nuptial agreements have no standing in Irish law.

Dr Crayfish · 12-07-2017 03:41PM

silverharp wrote: »

the majority of people still want kids and a family and its easier to raise a family with 2 parents.

You still don't need to get married though

SEPT 23 1989 · 12-07-2017 03:44PM

Dr Crayfish wrote: »

You still don't need to get married though

From experience it makes the whole thing a bit more stable

12-07-2017 03:52PM

I know a middle ages woman who is happy married but was very put out that her husband won't do any of the things he said he would do one the children grew up and they had money ( mostly travailing ) she has kind of resolved it by doing things by herself and with a group.

silverharp · 12-07-2017 03:53PM

Dr Crayfish wrote: »

You still don't need to get married though

no but its a contract at the end of the day , Would like to see it amended though so people could write their own contracts.

Pherekydes · 12-07-2017 04:08PM

mariaalice wrote: »

I know a middle ages woman who is happy married but was very put out that her husband won't do any of the things he said he would do one the children grew up and they had money ( mostly travailing ) she has kind of resolved it by doing things by herself and with a group.

Sounds like my wife. :pac:

Grandeeod · 12-07-2017 04:28PM

I think marriage should be a set 10 year contract that expires after that period or can be renewed.:D

Widdershins · 12-07-2017 04:30PM

Grandeeod wrote: »

I think marriage should be a set 10 year contract that expires after that period or can be renewed.:D

Pagan Handfastings are a bit like that. 1 Year. I think.

PandaPoo · 12-07-2017 04:39PM

I married my husband after knowing him for 13 months.

My friend married her husband the same year we got marroed? After being together for 10 years, living together for 8 years and travelling the world together. They were married for 3 months and split up.

The funny thing is she was really snarky with me when we announced our engagement. She openly scoffed at us and told me it wouldn't last, whereas they were obviously together for life.

I'm very happily married 3 years and she's separated 3 years. You just don't know.

B0jangles · 12-07-2017 04:53PM

PandaPoo wrote: »

I married my husband after knowing him for 13 months.

My friend married her husband the same year we got marroed? After being together for 10 years, living together for 8 years and travelling the world together. They were married for 3 months and split up.

The funny thing is she was really snarky with me when we announced our engagement. She openly scoffed at us and told me it wouldn't last, whereas they were obviously together for life.

I'm very happily married 3 years and she's separated 3 years. You just don't know.

Admit it, you're only staying married to spite her, aren't you?

:pac:

suicide_circus · 12-07-2017 04:55PM

PandaPoo wrote: »

I married my husband after knowing him for 13 months.

My friend married her husband the same year we got marroed? After being together for 10 years, living together for 8 years and travelling the world together. They were married for 3 months and split up.

The funny thing is she was really snarky with me when we announced our engagement. She openly scoffed at us and told me it wouldn't last, whereas they were obviously together for life.

I'm very happily married 3 years and she's separated 3 years. You just don't know.

images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSgYySws1RI3oPFYmKhjNJ2OfE67F1nlvfeiRxqMPngM7CLzKqo2Q

brevity · 12-07-2017 04:57PM

I wonder is marriage counseling something that is frowned upon here?

Do many people take advantage of it?

PandaPoo · 12-07-2017 04:58PM

B0jangles wrote: »

Admit it, you're only staying married to spite her, aren't you?

:pac:

Crosses my mind when we're fighting

gotta prove her wrong.

Meeoow · 12-07-2017 05:03PM

ohnonotgmail wrote: »

Anybody else got the Tammy Wynette song running through their heads?

I do now, thanks!

Dial Hard · 12-07-2017 05:09PM

Syphonax wrote:

I think the real question here is why does the man always get screwed over after a divorce.

I was wondering how long it would take for this chestnut to come up. When my ex and I split up I left him with the house, the contents, the dogs and his extremely lucrative army pension. And I wasn't even the one who ended the marriage.

We're not all gold-digging bitches intent on ruining your lives, you know.

brevity wrote:

I wonder is marriage counseling something that is frowned upon here?

Absolutely not. I don't know anyone who went through a major partnership break-up (not necessarily even married) without trying it. The issue is that a lot for a long time pretty much the only services available were ones with a Catholic ethos and are more concerned with preserving the marriage than actually trying to help the couple with their issues. That is changing though.

Divorce

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