Ideal wedding from guest's perspective (Mod warning in 1st post)

Sebastian Dangerfield · 05-07-2017 03:52PM

My sister and I both married our partners in the same year. Very different weddings, but everyone seemed to enjoy both. We had the 200 people, church, speeches, band, 2nd day. She had 30 people, registry office, meal in a restaurant, drinks after and a bigger party the next night.

Both were low maintenance days aimed at having people enjoy themselves as much as possible. Id be fine with being invited to either scenario.

The type of wedding I dont like is where the couple endlessly plan "our special day" at the expense of their guests comfort. Past examples include:

Being sat in a silent room for 3.5 hours after dinner while the b&g and their families took more photos.
Sitting through an hour of a best mans speech where he spoke to his brother, rather than to the crowd about his brother. Tears and all sorts.
Being asked to clear the dance floor for the b&g's FOURTH "first dance" of the night.
No food at all served til 8pm to accomodate video speeches from guests who couldnt make it. I heard the bride say "they should have known to eat a big breakfast".
Not enough food - a wedding at a popular Wicklow venue had an unstocked bar, no rolls with the soup, no potatoes or veg and the protein was 1/3 the size as the table beside us, got milk and sugar but no tea and coffee, no dessert by the time they hit our table etc.
2nd day being too formal, being ordered around like it was the wedding itself.
Wedding invite including bank details for cash gifts in advance.

Long story short - if you plan for your guests enjoyment rather than compete with other weddings or make it too fussy, youll be grand whatever you do.

That said, we put on afternoon food and delayed dinner to show a GAA match. We made some peoples day who thought theyd miss it, but Im sure someone else will have been put out. Youll never please everyone.

SozBbz · 05-07-2017 03:59PM

Sebastian Dangerfield wrote: »

That said, we put on afternoon food and delayed dinner to show a GAA match. We made some peoples day who thought theyd miss it, but Im sure someone else will have been put out. Youll never please everyone.

Now this would drive me demented. I guess you knew your audience but I cannot imagine this going down well with a lot of people. I hope there was plenty of nibbles to keep people going!

Food uncertainty drives me mad at weddings. Sometimes I keep a protien bar in my bag just in case if I suspect its going to be a long one.

Ann_Landers · 05-07-2017 04:00PM

baby and crumble wrote: »

but there wasn't a "normal" disco-type element to it (I can't believe I just typed "disco" OMG how old am I???)

LOL, I always call the DJ part the "disco" too and then immediately feel self-conscious about doing so. :P

Sebastian Dangerfield · 05-07-2017 04:05PM

SozBbz wrote: »

Now this would drive me demented. I guess you knew your audience but I cannot imagine this going down well with a lot of people. I hope there was plenty of nibbles to keep people going!

Food uncertainty drives me mad at weddings. Sometimes I keep a protien bar in my bag just in case if I suspect its going to be a long one.

Understandable. Yes we did at a considerable last minute increase to the budget, but only ourselves (i.e. myself) to blame. It was a last minute thing, the game the week before was a draw so a replay followed. Id estimate 70-80% of attendees were in the room enjoying the match. The rest were in the reception area where the drinks reception was, some went to their room etc. Im sure we annoyed someone, but it was only an hour and actually added a lot to the day as far as I could see. The room was split 50/50 both sides, so good craic ensued.

The alternative would have been an empty function room for the first hour, delaying dinner while we dragged the hardcores from bar

Ann_Landers · 05-07-2017 04:07PM

JayRoc wrote: »

And the biggest factor for me in enjoying a wedding is very simple: how close I am to the people getting married.

I have always had a great day at every wedding I've attended of close friends and close family. I'm invested in the celebration, I enjoy the speeches because I get the references, I get to see people I care about be happy and I get to share in it. It's great.

I've basically given up on attending weddings where I'm not particularly close to the bride and groom. Several times I've had my wife rsvp for herself but not for me, if we've been invited to something where it's just friends of hers.

Excellent point, this will be me too from here on out. Weddings where I am close to the couple are generally great. More distant ones can be good but, yeah, I'm less invested.

Ann_Landers · 05-07-2017 04:17PM

zoobizoo wrote: »

If people are bettnig on the length of speeches, let people know that it's tradition for the winner to buy a round. I was at a wedding recently where the couple at our table who won pocketed the money!!

Meh, I say let the winner do what they want with the money. I wouldn't expect them to buy me a drink personally. And often, the money won won't even cover a round for a table. People tend to put in €2 or €3. You often won't have more than €25 or €30 per table. A round could cost €40-€50 per table. And the person is even more out of pocket if the money collected from every table is pooled and the winner is expected to buy a drink for everyone in the place.

Say there are 150 guests and €3 is collected from each guest.

That's €450 collected.

Say the winner then has to buy a round for everyone. Even if the average drink was €4 because some people are not drinking, that would still come to €600 for the round, meaning the winner has to pony up €150. That hardly seems fair, does it? And what is the point in having the competition if the winner has to spend all the money?

So it's unfair to expect them to get a round in, IMO, on a day that is quite expensive for guests as it is.

Spanish Eyes · 05-07-2017 04:21PM

I went to a wedding a while ago. Registry office at 2.pm on a Friday. Small wedding about 40 people. Back to hotel for late lunch in a private room with a lovely terrace off it. No delays really, lunch was served pretty quickly. Only the bride made a speech three or so minutes, perfect, covered everything. Photos were taken just outside the RO and as things were happening over lunch and cutting the cake.

Then at six o'clock or thereabouts, Hotel made an announcement that B+G were heading off and free bar until 8pm. And they did feck off.

Was brilliant. Those who wanted to stay on could do so, and those who also wanted to feck off just got out of there pronto!

I stayed till about 9 and legged it.

Was one of the best flipping weddings I was ever at TBH. No formula, no mad music (background stuff alright but no band or DJ). Perfect.

But we are all different.

DaeryssaOne · 05-07-2017 04:57PM

Ann_Landers wrote: »

Meh, I say let the winner do what they want with the money.

While I understand what you mean I find it the height of rudeness to pocket the money. It's only ever supposed to be a bit of light entertainment at the table and not a way to make money off your friends. A notoriously stingy (but loaded) couple I know did it at my table a few years ago and everyone at it was raging that they didn't even attempt to get a few shots in but instead bragged to other guests about how they'd won.

Anyway back to the question at hand - my own wedding would have been exactly how we wanted it - a relaxed, late afternoon civil ceremony in a country house with plenty of good food and a fun band. Speeches were kept mostly short and to the point and the Day 2 was actually my favourite day. It was again very relaxed, had lawn games, lots of food again and turned into a lovely session. We had only expected family and close friends to stay for the day 2 but there was about 85% stayed on - some even booked in again that morning as they didn't want to leave the fun, relaxed atmosphere which said it all for me!

Only downside I can think of is that it took far far longer for us to get our photos done then I had anticipated. As we weren't going anywhere special for them I had hoped to have them over within an hour and be able to chat to more guests during the drinks reception. Instead, they took more than 2 hours and left me running around during the meal trying to get the chats in with the in-laws family etc that you would have to make a special effort with.

Ann_Landers · 05-07-2017 05:11PM

jobr wrote: »

While I understand what you mean I find it the height of rudeness to pocket the money.

What is the person supposed to do then?

If they pocket it, they are stingy, but if they have to use the money to buy a round for the whole room then they will be seriously out of pocket. Rock and a hard place. I've always vaguely hated the wedding speeches betting and this has crystallised that. Seems to be setting people up to be screwed either way. Very unfair. Seems to me that the people expecting a round to be bought haven't done their sums very well.

In future, if I ever win the speeches betting, I'll just leave the money there. Not worth the grief of being thought stingy or being seriously out of pocket for fear that people will be put out that you didn't buy them a drinkipoo. As a wedding guest, I've never expected that or thought it ill-mannered for the person to not buy a round. I always think "Good for that person, they won a little something".

Faith · 05-07-2017 05:12PM

The only thing I dislike is religious ceremonies. I was at a wedding a while back (and I should say: the rest of the day was FANTASTIC), but the ceremony was in a small church with a tiny car park, I had to sit in a pew at an angle so could barely see the bride & groom, the priest droned on endlessly, there were about 20 prayers of the faithful and about 10 full hymns. The ceremony alone was at least an hour long.

I prefer finer food and will generally roll my eyes a bit at "traditional" menus, but it's not something I'd bitch about. I'm fine with a day 2 for close friends. All I really want is plenty of food, plenty of booze, a short ceremony, short speeches, good company and a good band.

miezekatze · 05-07-2017 09:34PM

Just thought of something else - most weddings I've been to had the ceremony in some pretty looking church a good drive away and then the reception somewhere completely different, like at least an hours drive and in one case it was over 2 hours. It really killed the mood. It also meant that we had to stay over night. I would ideally like to have everything in the same place or just a short drive away, and not have to stay overnight.

Spanish Eyes · 05-07-2017 11:02PM

Back to the best guests weddings.

Go on now.

DaeryssaOne · 06-07-2017 09:53AM

Ann_Landers wrote: »

What is the person supposed to do then? If they pocket it, they are stingy, but if they have to use the money to buy a round for the whole room then they will be seriously out of pocket. .

I have never ever been at a wedding where the winner at one table of 10 is supposed to buy a round for the entire room - that's completely ridiculous. It's generally the 10 people at that table stick a fiver in a glass and the winner uses that 50 to buy a round for those 10 people. I'm not a fan of the practice at all as I find it's disrespectful to the persons making a speech so I'm glad it hasn't happened at all at the last few weddings I've been to anyway.
In an effort to avoid it happening at my own we had the speeches outside standing on the lawn before the sit down to dinner.

El_Duderino 09 · 06-07-2017 10:30AM

So what I've gathered from the posts here is that some people really enjoy the full-on 2 day wedding but most people prefer a smaller event.

Main points raised were
Enough food
Event close to home to give the option of going home.
Party close to ceremony to keep the flow in the day
Short ceremony

Main annoyances are traveling far away for the whole wedding.
Waiting around for ages while photos are taken.
Food uncertainty and sweets instead of actual food on arrival.
Band too loud.
Diva wedding couple

I really liked the idea of the wedding that prompted this thread. Civil ceremony in the same place as the garden party. 40 people, Drinks reception, music, afternoon tea. Go home if you want at 6 ish or stay around for more food and music in the residents bar.

I think it sounds very easy going and won't cost them a fortune

pwurple · 06-07-2017 10:30AM

1) Ceremony and the party are in the same location, or very close to eachother. I love it when the ceremonies are personal, involve family young & old, the celebrant knows the couple, the readings are meaningful. Chucking in randomly culturally misappropriated stuff like sand ceremonies (unless you are Hawaiian) or hand-fasting (unless you are Norse), or whatever other crap you saw on pinterest.... ugh.

2) On-site accommodation. Please for the love of god don't make me get a taxi, or do any kind or organizational stuff at 3am. Seriously, I'm not able. I want to eat, drink, dance around, and fall into bed when zonked.

3) Food. At Frequent intervals please. After the ceremony, a drink and a nibble. While photos are going on, more snacks if that is going to take long. And later on post dinner midnight snacks, yes please.

4) Music. If you can't get a fabbie band, go for a decent DJ instead. We made this mistake (well, our band bailed last minute and sent a crappy replacement). I wish we had a DJ instead. Enforced dancing - I hate it.

Atlantic Dawn · 06-07-2017 11:09AM

My ideal wedding specs :pac:

Likes

Wedding in the afternoon on a Saturday or Bank Holiday Sunday, circa 2pm, ceremony as near to all done and out of the church/registrar within the hour
Hotel/Meal venue within 30 minutes distance of where cermony is held
If it's an overnight job because of the distance from the bride/grooms home having it in a place with multiple budget levels of accommodation available nearbye and inform guests what's available.
No obligations as a guest to do anything except arrive and try to enjoy myself
If the wedding is in the back arse of nowhere simply give me the GPS position on the invite not some 100 chapter book of directions as to where it is like to follow the white ribbons on the lamposts near Paddy Joe's bar etc
A nice mix of music if you have a dj or band

Hates...

Specifications on the wedding invite as to what clothes to wear for it*
Request on the gifts you want on the wedding invite*
Photo booths, candy carts, ice cream Vans etc
Magicians, comedians and other irritants organised to go around to each table during the meal
Any 2nd day activities whether it be drinks in the evening or a bbq
Weddings outside Ireland unless either bride or groom is from that country which is fine
A wedding car that has the bride and grooms name on the reg plates, how idiotic

*I will instantly decline an invite for a wedding with this as a requirement no matter who the invite is from.

baby and crumble · 06-07-2017 11:17AM

I think probably the one pet peeve I have at weddings is the massive gap after the ceremony before food when photos are getting taken. It's so boring- if i'm staying in the hotel half the time I use that time for a nap!

We're hoping to get around that by having our "first look" before the ceremony and take all the official photos then. We'll only have family shots to pose for after the ceremony so straight in for booze and chats, huzzah!

baby and crumble · 06-07-2017 11:20AM

pwurple wrote: »

Chucking in randomly culturally misappropriated stuff like sand ceremonies (unless you are Hawaiian) or hand-fasting (unless you are Norse), or whatever other crap you saw on pinterest.... ugh.

Handfasting is a celtic tradition, so it makes perfect sense for an Irish ceremony.

missmatty · 06-07-2017 11:24AM

Ours six weeks ago covered a lot of those bases I think. We held it in the town where we live which is about halfway between where our families are from & most of our friends live locally. Ceremony 3pm, lasted 30-40 mins, same place as reception. Peeps got drinks and canapÃ©s afterwards while we got the pictures taken. Called to main room for 5.30pm, speeches lasted about 15 minutes then a good dinner followed by free bar till about 12 or 1am (until the money ran out). Accommodation: plenty on site also lots locally in case people wanted a choice. Snacks later on too. No candy cart, favours, day 2 etc. Had a few low key drinks locally the next day for close family & whoever was still around but it wasn't on the invites so no pressure. Everyone seemed to have a great time, lots of our friends have kids so they hadn't a great distance to get home to them so it really suited. The fact that our guests were happy really made us happy too!

pwurple · 06-07-2017 11:48AM

baby and crumble wrote: »

Handfasting is a celtic tradition, so it makes perfect sense for an Irish ceremony.

Sure, sure, if your parents and their parents etc did it and it stretches back generations, beautiful. But if you saw it on the internet or in Braveheart and think it's quirky rather than it having any resonance with your family... put it back on pinterest.

El_Duderino 09 · 06-07-2017 11:57AM

pwurple wrote: »

baby and crumble wrote: »

Handfasting is a celtic tradition, so it makes perfect sense for an Irish ceremony.

Sure, sure, if your parents and their parents etc did it and it stretches back generations, beautiful. But if you saw it on the internet or in Braveheart and think it's quirky rather than it having any resonance with your family... put it back on pinterest.

The entire ceremony is symbolic-apart from signing the marriage certificate. The religious prayers, speeches, toasts, wearing rings etc. are all symbols of the event. 'Tying the knot' in a symbolic sense is hardly way out of keeping with all the other symbolism at a wedding ceremony. It's probably not something I'd do but it's in keeping with the celebration.

This thread is kind of about challenging the traditions. Finding out which parts people like and which parts are just done for the sake of tradition in spite of whether people actually enjoy them or not.

elekid · 06-07-2017 12:05PM

I've been to a good few weddings in the last 3 or 4 years. It's always nice to see friends and family getting happily married but some of the things which I've found increase my enjoyment as a guest are:

- If the ceremony is kept short and in the same location as the reception
- If I don't go hungry between the ceremony and dinner
- If I'm seated with people I know well and like for dinner
- If the speeches are kept minimal and cringe-free
- I don't do well with loud music so I always appreciate a venue where I can escape to somewhere quieter once the band/dj starts

kunst nugget · 06-07-2017 12:58PM

Ann_Landers wrote: »

Meh, I say let the winner do what they want with the money. I wouldn't expect them to buy me a drink personally. And often, the money won won't even cover a round for a table. People tend to put in €2 or €3. You often won't have more than €25 or €30 per table. A round could cost €40-€50 per table. And the person is even more out of pocket if the money collected from every table is pooled and the winner is expected to buy a drink for everyone in the place.

Say there are 150 guests and €3 is collected from each guest.

That's €450 collected.

Say the winner then has to buy a round for everyone. Even if the average drink was €4 because some people are not drinking, that would still come to €600 for the round, meaning the winner has to pony up €150. That hardly seems fair, does it? And what is the point in having the competition if the winner has to spend all the money?

So it's unfair to expect them to get a round in, IMO, on a day that is quite expensive for guests as it is.

I've only ever seen it done on a table by table basis and it's always been for a fiver each which means nobody's going to be out of pocket. I've never ever seen it done where someone had to buy a round for everyone attending.

baby and crumble · 06-07-2017 01:03PM

pwurple wrote: »

Sure, sure, if your parents and their parents etc did it and it stretches back generations, beautiful. But if you saw it on the internet or in Braveheart and think it's quirky rather than it having any resonance with your family... put it back on pinterest.

Why? Why not incorporate something you like in your wedding day? If I was only to do "what my parents did" for my wedding I'd be marrying a dude, wearing a dress and having a church wedding.

Where does that end? Only have a reading if you have a deep long lasting connection to it? Only choose a wedding dress if you personally know the designer? Everything about a wedding is a choice. Why be so scathing about other people choices? Let's be honest, everything about weddings is a bit cheesy, and a bit tacky. Embrace it, I say. Don't be gross about it (ie a white Irish couple having a Haka, or I dunno, dressing up a blackface to jump the broom, is probably a bit much) but who really cares?

draiochtanois · 06-07-2017 01:33PM

This post has been deleted.

Ann_Landers · 06-07-2017 01:59PM

kunst nugget wrote: »

I've only ever seen it done on a table by table basis and it's always been for a fiver each which means nobody's going to be out of pocket. I've never ever seen it done where someone had to buy a round for everyone attending.

E2 or E3 per person per table at any wedding I've been at. Even if it was a fiver, what's the point if the person who "wins" has to hand people their money back? Eurgh, stupid conventions. I've never expected the winner to buy me a drink. Speak for yourselves. It's also one of those things that anyone who hasn't attended many weddings would be a bit clueless about. The first few weddings I was at, I hadn't a clue of a lot of the conventions. It's a shitty thing to judge someone on and someone even mentioned the couple who won being loaded. Such a sense of entitlement.

GingerLily · 06-07-2017 02:11PM

Ann_Landers wrote: »

€2 or €3 post table at any wedding I've been at. Even if it was a fiver, what's the point if the person who "wins" has to hand people their money back? Eurgh, stupid conventions. I've never expected the winner to but me a drink. Speak for yourselves. :cool:

I have only been to weddings where it's a fiver buy in (coins are far too noisey), and it's pretty much covered the round. It's also only ever been per table and oganised by the guests themselves so not something the B&G can control, so not helpful to the OP.

It's a bit of fun, of you don't like it opt out, simples

Ann_Landers · 06-07-2017 02:14PM

GingerLily wrote: »

I have only been to weddings where it's a fiver buy in (coins are far too noisey), and it's pretty much covered the round. It's also only ever been per table and oganised by the guests themselves so not something the B&G can control, so not helpful to the OP.

It's a bit of fun, of you don't like it opt out, simples

I have no problem at all opting in, I simply dislike the expectations of how the winner should spend the money. Lose the tradition if the winner is going to have their character questioned! If it's a "bit of fun", why be so serious about what the person does with their winnings?

GingerLily · 06-07-2017 02:21PM

Ann_Landers wrote: »

I have no problem at all opting in, I simply dislike the expectations of how the winner should spend the money. Lose the tradition if the winner is going to have their character questioned! If it's a "bit of fun", why be so serious about what the person does with their winnings?

I think you're the only person being serious about it!
I like choosing the round for the table, usually a shot or baby guiness etc

kunst nugget · 06-07-2017 02:26PM

GingerLily wrote: »

I think you're the only person being serious about it!
I like choosing the round for the table, usually a shot or baby guiness etc

Tbh, I'd never stick the money in my pocket if I won. It does look incredibly cheap.

Ideal wedding from guest's perspective (Mod warning in 1st post)

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