Why can't I move on and leave it in the past? Cheating

over thinker · 26-06-2017 10:08AM

Neyite wrote: »

Bluntly it boils down to this: Your insecurity and ruminating on the past is what will eventually kill this relationship. It's corrosive and only a matter of time before she wakes up and goes "you know, I'm not a slut for kissing a couple of guys and I'm sick of being judged for it. Especially when my OH did the exact same thing. I'm out of here"

Your problem is that YOU have the small town mentality. Blame others all you like, but you've judged her to the point of her needing therapy and pointed the finger at her along with the town gossips. You are the one walking around thinking that others think you are with 'a slut' and it bothers you to the point where you will destroy what you say is a good relationship with someone wonderful.

I'm not sure where you are from but it sounds like the 1950's where men are allowed to sow their oats and men will be men but women are supposed to be paragons of virtue. I suspect that it's not the entire town that holds this opinion but rather you and your circle of friends who think like this. 'The Town' have probably long forgotten that she snogged those blokes - hell, chances are even the blokes themselves have long forgotten. You are the only one who cares.

You need to ask yourself this - how much longer does she need to atone for this humongous sin of snogging a couple of blokes? Or, how much longer do you think she will take the guilt trips or the underlying vibe of unhappiness coming from you over it - especially given your own transgressions in the same way and decide to walk away to someone who doesn't judge her. Because at some point, she will get fed up with the past hanging around her neck like a millstone and walk away.

Right to the point and all resonate massively thanks.
I am deep down probably the judger here. I'm a pig for doing it but I guess I saw us as perfect and I have fought against the one thing in my head that destroyed that.
Ego ego ego, and I will turn around in a few months when she walks and regret it for the rest of my days, but sure then everyone will respect me won't they ðŸ™„ trust me I'm a idiot I know I am when I think clearly.
Post like yours really help me see that and you have no idea how much it helps.
I have limited time now to get over this, she has waited long enough and deserves someone to treat her well.
I can't stress enough I have realised it's all my shortcomings here, time to address them properly and stop beating around the bush subconsciously blaming her for this

JaMarcusHustle · 26-06-2017 10:28AM

Sorry OP but I don't believe you when you say you told her yesterday.

From your posts yesterday, it was clear that in your head this wasn't a big deal and nothing she needed to know. Sure you were only drunk and she did it too, like you said. This is obviously a mindset you've reinforced over the years since.

Yet you weren't getting the answers you wanted in here as people were (rightly) focusing on this, so out of the blue you suddenly told her in the space of a couple of hours and came back here to continue posting?

I don't buy it. Sounds more like you wanted us off your back so you told us that in the hope we'd stop bringing it up.

If I'm wrong, then so be it.

over thinker · 26-06-2017 10:38AM

JaMarcusHustle wrote: »

Sorry OP but I don't believe you when you say you told her yesterday.

From your posts yesterday, it was clear that in your head this wasn't a big deal and nothing she needed to know. Sure you were only drunk and she did it too, like you said. This is obviously a mindset you've reinforced over the years since.

Yet you weren't getting the answers you wanted in here as people were (rightly) focusing on this, so out of the blue you suddenly told her in the space of a couple of hours and came back here to continue posting?

I don't buy it. Sounds more like you wanted us off your back so you told us that in the hope we'd stop bringing it up.

If I'm wrong, then so be it.

Actually I would think the exact same thing, presume most people wouldn't believe it to be honest.
I did tell her and I also took a lot of responsibility for the other stuff.
I think the reason she gets over this so quickly is she is just sick of the past, knows it was a rough time for both of us and wants to focus on the here and now. Pretty amazing mindset that I wish I could copy. Hopefully I will now

Ursus Horribilis · 26-06-2017 10:49AM

I'm sorry but I don't buy the amazing mindset angle. Where is the fire in this girl's belly? I've no doubt she regrets the mistakes she made. She certainly was made to suffer for them. But why is she not angry? Why does she not feel aggrieved? She should be and I certainly hope the anger comes once she has had time to think about it. Her reaction is abnormal.

heretochat · 26-06-2017 10:49AM

over thinker wrote: »

As I said she really is a much more confident mature independent woman now after therapy and going through this, including losing the friends who treated her like ****e.

This is the bit that resonated most with me and feeds into my perception (and others) that you may be controlling her.

You were happy that she lost her friends that treated her like ****e. I am sure you were.

No conscious thought at all that you were the one that treated her worst of all. You are the one she could have done with getting rid of. But you played on her youth and insecurities and ensured that didn't happen.

I am with the previous poster who doens't believe that you told her either. It all just doesn't add up.

Conor Bourke · 26-06-2017 11:08AM

over thinker wrote: »

Also I think it worth saying, my OH has compete freedom to do what she wants I don't control her. She gos on holidays on her own with her own group of friends, I don't try and stop her and control her.
I think the major control piece coming from slot of ye is over me not allowing a break. When she asked for one I begged her to stay, was a complete wreck. She stayed because of that, because I was distraught. She didn't stay because I backed into a corner and told no way your going no where I own you.
I was weak I admit that, she was young and didn't have the strength to go through with it. It was a mess of a situation but I don't stop her doing anything she wants now, and then I tried my best to stop her leaving because I loved her, hardly a crime, I was just heart broken then at the thought of it.
To let her hold the brunt of the pain while I did silimar was extremely selfish there's no excuse for that, but I was afraid of dragging up the past again, and was a complete coward.
She can openly leave whenever she wants in the present, she has matured greatly herself and is far more sound in herself.
I'm the insecure idiot obsessed with the past. But overpowering controlling and not letting her live her life, well that's just not true anymore.

You seem to underestimate the level of emotional pressure that you placed on such a young girl. I doubt anybody here thought that you told her explicitly that she was not allowed leave, but we understand the dynamic of a relationship where you feel trapped because of the reaction of someone. Whether it was a conscious thing or not on your part, it's emotional manipulation. It's control. You simply can't or won't see that though.

Basically what's coming through in your posts here is that on a superficial level you're giving it loads of the self-flagellation but are sorely lacking in true awareness of the consequences of your attitude and behaviour.

Also, please stop talking about "manning up". It's a destructive and harmful phrase. You need to be an adult, simple as that.

messy tessy · 26-06-2017 11:14AM

over thinker wrote: »

We have complete freedom in that way. She has said many times she was surprised I didn't go over the top checking in and analysing her every move after it happened. That's no way to live

This is the only thing I agree with you on. It is actually no way to live. She seems to be living her life/ making decisions by how you react. She felt she couldn't take a break from you, by how you reacted to it. After her mistake, she thinks you should analyse her every move and be constantly checking in with her, this is not indicative of a healthy relationship

I feel so sorry for this girl, and hope she has someone in her life to show her how toxic this relationship is. And that she finds happiness somewhere else.

LirW · 26-06-2017 11:23AM

Having only read the first post: Please OP for her own sake, split with this girl. This relationship is all over the place and there happened a bit too much to repair with a few factors. I think you need to work on your own on becoming a better person, without her. Give her the chance of finding someone who treats her the way she deserves it.
There is nothing wrong with admitting it failed but now it's about to do the right thing. Please let this poor girl go.
You both will have a hard time because you don't know any other way but this will eventually clear up. I only once suggested a clear split and this was my sister when she was in a relationship with a guy like you. He was a disgusting person (I'm not calling you that) and the best thing that could happen to the both of them was splitting and going their own ways. She had a hard time getting over this but she came out of it a lot stronger (even though with a lot of issues). The damage is done, now it's about to control it.

What would you suggest your daughter if she'd be in a relationship like this? You two have no business anymore.

over thinker · 26-06-2017 11:25AM

messy tessy wrote: »

This is the only thing I agree with you on. It is actually no way to live. She seems to be living her life/ making decisions by how you react. She felt she couldn't take a break from you, by how you reacted to it. After her mistake, she thinks you should analyse her every move and be constantly checking in with her, this is not indicative of a healthy relationship

I feel so sorry for this girl, and hope she has someone in her life to show her how toxic this relationship is. And that she finds happiness somewhere else.

What are you on about? She doesn't think she needs to check in with me etc
It was nearly 3 ago I reacted like that to her wanting a break, I would never do that now, and she would leave happily now if she wanted to

Ursus Horribilis · 26-06-2017 11:30AM

You probably don't even know that you're controlling her. It doesn't have to be overt stuff like stopping her from going out or keeping tabs on her. She knows what happened when she tried to end the relationship. Your meltdown and the begging are emotive stuff and probably freaked her out in a big way. God only knows what went through her mind. Is he going to do away with himself? Oh my god what have I done? Perhaps a fear of being single, seeing as she knows no other life than to be in a relationship. Regardless of whether she would like to end the relationship now or not, I fear the damage has been done.

Also, even though you say you'd not freak now out if she tried to end it...does she know that?

over thinker · 26-06-2017 11:36AM

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

You probably don't even know that you're controlling her. It doesn't have to be overt stuff like stopping her from going out or keeping tabs on her. She knows what happened when she tried to end the relationship. Your meltdown and the begging are emotive stuff and probably freaked her out in a big way. God only knows what went through her mind. Is he going to do away with himself? Oh my god what have I done? Perhaps a fear of being single, seeing as she knows no other life than to be in a relationship. Regardless of whether she would like to end the relationship now or not, I fear the damage has been done.

Also, even though you say you'd not freak now out if she tried to end it...does she know that?

The point that she is a much much stronger place now is being completely missed. She knows I wouldn't freak out and stop her, we haves talked about number 1 and she is strong enough to follow through now number 2.
We have a great relationship the vast majority of the time, she could have left numerous times since, but she stays because despite what it sound like we are very happy most of the time.
If I change my ways, that have been details here surely we have hope at least.

messy tessy · 26-06-2017 11:38AM

over thinker wrote: »

What are you on about? She doesn't think she needs to check in with me etc
It was nearly 3 ago I reacted like that to her wanting a break, I would never do that now, and she would leave happily now if she wanted to

I have literally quoted you.

The whole relationship screams control. Honestly OP did you actually tell her about your drunken mistakes because it doesn't read that way. If you genuinely did then what you call an "amazing mindset" I would call feeling trapped in an emotionally abusive relationship.

over thinker · 26-06-2017 11:48AM

messy tessy wrote: »

I have literally quoted you.

The whole relationship screams control. Honestly OP did you actually tell her about your drunken mistakes because it doesn't read that way. If you genuinely did then what you call an "amazing mindset" I would call feeling trapped in an emotionally abusive relationship.

Does my GF wanting to be in this relationship mean anything to anyone?
She went through therapy she has stated many times she is confident in herself and independent enough to make her own decisions, why does that not mean anything to anyone?
I ****ed up many times I get it, I was young and learning this all too.
I have held resentment and acted very poorly, but if my GF wants to make this work because she sees a lot of good here, why is her opinion not respected?
The whole oh she should hate you, you did the same.. I get that. She knows we weren't in a good place then, she did the same. We were too young and we should have had a break I get it I know that.
I can't turn back the clock I was a prick and should have shouldered far more of the blame.
She wants this though she loves us who am I to take some moral high ground and end it all when she is free to make her own decisions and I still Iove her.
I can change my ways I know I can and give her the man she deserves, a man I am a lot of the time

B0jangles · 26-06-2017 11:53AM

I've read this whole thread with a mixture of horror and anger, OP; the way you constantly make yourself the centre of every situation, the way you say you just *know* how your girlfriend thinks and feels about pretty much everything, the way you blithely acknowledge everything that is said to you and then skip merrily on on exactly the same path as before. It's genuinely disturbing to read.

Honestly, if it was revealed that your girlfriend was really just a picture in a frame that you speak you and then imagine what 'she' would say, it would make this whole situation genuinely make more sense. I don't say that to be mean, it simply expresses how the literally unbelievable amount of instant acceptance and understanding, and the total lack of an opposing point of view she apparently expresses about everything that you have said and done to her, comes across to an outside viewer.

LirW · 26-06-2017 11:54AM

She went through therapy she has stated many times she is confident in herself and independent enough to make her own decisions, why does that not mean anything to anyone?

Because it doesn't. My sister was the most confident girl you'd ever meet, very independent and wouldn't take any sh*t. But with the guy she's been she shrunk to the size of a mouse because he completely wrecked her with his controlling behavior. Because she's confident in one regard doesn't mean she's confident in her partnership.

Rekop dog · 26-06-2017 01:23PM

My reaction was you didn't tell her too but didn't think it was allowed to call you on such things here. It's also a bit weird to tell her(if you did), then come on here an hour later and for the rest of the evening all delighted and relieved and not have a moment's concern for how she took it.

Listen, you've given a pretty full account at this stage and it's got progressively weirder, and there's fairly unanimous concern for your gf from all replies. When that's the case you must stand back for a moment and listen or else you're seriously burying your head in the sand. At this point if you *truly* care for her you'll do the right thing a set her free from this relationship. Anything else is a continuation of your selfishness and controlling hold you built over the years.

RoebuckWilson · 26-06-2017 01:32PM

So many of us have been in a similar situation and can probably recognize ourselves in your GF shoes. I've followed this thread and read each of your posts with increasing trouble. You talk the talk, but there's no value within the words.

What I would wish for is if someone, anyone, despite my strong mindset to have taken me out the relationship which I desperately wanted to maintain and could envision a future in. She cannot see the forest for the trees. Nor could I. The rest of my life was super and mature. She knows no different. Relationships are not like this. Maybe you don't realise this either. Relationships are not like this at all.

You will not let go of this. Your sins have been qualified, reduced down and dismissed by you and you only. Hers have been broadcast and put on repeat in some form or other for years by you also. You do not see each other as equal, as you do not treat her equally.

So you say she is wonderful. She is fantastic. But she is not correct to want a life with you. She is not capable of understanding life without you is better because you denied her the opportunity and shamed her all the while.

I doubt you'll do the right thing but I felt compelled to say something.

over thinker · 26-06-2017 01:49PM

Thanks for all the replies I appreciate all of them.
I am going to sign out now from this, and as opposed to what many of you think I will take a lot away from this in regards to my behaviour.

Hannibal_Smith · 26-06-2017 01:57PM

over thinker wrote: »

No I completely understand where your coming from, but I really am not doing myself many favours in how I described this.
So I am fully aware she would have done what she did if we were on a break. See I would have got over that straight away as to the general world it would be acceptable and to me I wouldn't have been known as being cheated on.
I don't want her to think I still ruminate on this (even though she knows me well enough to know I am) because it hurts her so much to see me stuck in the past like sacrificing our future.
She has told me so many times since when I have said to her I completely understand if you want to break up and live your life you deserve (I have done that many times which I should probably have mentioned) she tells me she is perfectly capable of making her own decisions now and she doesn't want to leave, she loves me and wants to build a future, but if I can't let this go soon she needs to move on.
To be honest the above is all true I should have said more of it but I wanted to feel more of a backlash as my behaviour has been completely unacceptable and felt in need of tough love to help me move on I.e she was young get a grip and move on...

That's it. Just look at it that way. Mentally she was on a break. Think of it as that. No more to be said. If your concern is what others think. Forget them. They aaidre not in your relationship. Do not punish your girlfriend or yourself for what other people think. I'm sure other people have long since gotten passed what happened, if it was 3 years ago. No one carest this stage but you. And if they do, you shouldn't care what a busy body thinks.

over thinker · 26-06-2017 02:20PM

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

That's it. Just look at it that way. Mentally she was on a break. Think of it as that. No more to be said. If your concern is what others think. Forget them. They aaidre not in your relationship. Do not punish your girlfriend or yourself for what other people think. I'm sure other people have long since gotten passed what happened, if it was 3 years ago. No one carest this stage but you. And if they do, you shouldn't care what a busy body thinks.

Thank you so much for that.
Look everyone thinks I should leave my GF and set her free from this awful prick who has controlled her I get it.
People obviously think my GF is some destroyed soul who cant think for herself and needs to leave this lunatic she has found herself trapped with.
If she saw this she would laugh, she is so much more content and stronger than she is being giving credit for.
She looks at that time in our lives as our period of separation as she was not in the relationship for those 6 months (her words). She says this, despite what people think, we have talked and grown from it.
I see where alot of people are coming from but she discovered more in herself @ that time than she is being given credit for end off.
Me- I have failed to look in the mirror adequately and feel I can so much from this as now I realise just how wrong I was.
I think there is a platform to start afresh and build again and so does my OH.
Maybe just maybe guys shes not some brainwashed child, maybe she just really loves me and wants this is as much as she says.
Anyone thanks again Im signing out.

RoebuckWilson · 26-06-2017 03:47PM

Consider showing her this thread perhaps. It might be illuminating.

power pants · 26-06-2017 04:50PM

To be honest, I don't believe half the gestures and replies you are giving.

It actually bothers me a lot how you wouldn't tell your girlfriend that you cheated because you knew her response

Fwiw, I don't believe for a moment that you told her and she replied word for word as you posted.

I'd actually be worried if she did, to Me shows she has given up and checked out of the relationship, who wouldn't get upset a little after being told out the blue that they were cheated on?

She's probably too worried to leave you after the last set of theatrics you pulled on her. It worked though, you managed to keep her.

Everything is about you, what you need to do, how you have behaved this and that. What you need to do is finish it.

Work out all your issues and behaviour issues before getting into another relationship.

This thread seems that you are trying to come across as a reasonable, well balanced great guy in a perfect relationship but it's embarrassing.

Sephiroth_dude · 26-06-2017 05:47PM

They should probably both just bail at this stage.

PressRun · 26-06-2017 06:25PM

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I'm sorry but I don't buy the amazing mindset angle. Where is the fire in this girl's belly? I've no doubt she regrets the mistakes she made. She certainly was made to suffer for them. But why is she not angry? Why does she not feel aggrieved? She should be and I certainly hope the anger comes once she has had time to think about it. Her reaction is abnormal.

It's almost like it never happened.

Funny how you finally decided to tell her about your own indiscretions after you spent so long guilt tripping her over hers, and then lo and behold she reacts to this news exactly how you would want her to.

leggo · 26-06-2017 07:53PM

Yeah just to add to the masses: I'm with everyone else here, including not believing you told her, I read that last night (too tired to reply then) and I'm glad someone said it as it was my instant reaction.

This was a 16-year old girl who got into her first proper, adult relationship. Because you wouldn't let her take a break, she hasn't spent a second of her adult life without you. You were a man grown yourself when you met, whether you were mature or not. I'm totally with people who are uncomfortable with that, it's something I've heard of a few times before (my sister's friend, 16, is with a 22-year old currently) and it never sits well with me. It should be illegal IMO, because it's not a level playing field, there's an element of grooming there. It's an adult going out with a child ultimately at that stage. If you did anything of a sexual nature, you'd be classed a sex offender. The fact that you (say you) didn't doesn't negate that, the law just backs up that it's weird and wrong and that law is in place for a reason.

Of course she doesn't want to leave this relationship! This is all she knows as an adult! That doesn't make it a good call to stay though.

Your language is sooooo messed up OP, I get really uncomfortable reading it: presuming to know how she'd feel with a bombshell dropped on her, which conveniently lets you off the hook having to tell her. Maybe you're right, maybe you didn't lie and maybe that is how she did or would feel. But that doesn't make it right. She should be angry over that. She isn't 'amazing' for being so mature and understanding, she's a victim who was shamed into counselling and repeatedly had these (relatively mild) actions held over her head while, unbeknownst to her, you'd done the exact same thing.

She had the person who was supposed to be her partner, the one person on this planet who's expected to have her back and care for her more than anyone else, completely disrespect her wishes to take a break and seek some independence in her adult life by being emotionally manipulated through your meltdown. She was conditioned, manipulated and shamed into staying and putting up with her lot, to see herself as a cheating slut who rained down this ordeal on poor, poor you (who was off doing the same to her btw) for the 'crime' of wanting to see what it was like being single as an adult for a while.

If you love this girl, if you truly care about her in a selfless way and want to see her happiness even above and beyond your own, let her go and take a break now. She mightn't like it initially because it'd be terrifying to her, but it's the right call. Let her experience adult life for a while on her own (and leave her alone in doing so), let her kiss and **** and date other guys and let them treat her how they will. If you're that big of a deal and you guys are meant to be together after all, they won't match up, you'll get her back and your relationship will have lasted the test of time and won't have this weird asterisk around it.

But you won't do that, will you? You'll tell yourself that it's BS and we don't know you or her and whatever else you need to tell yourself to get what you want. Because that's how you've always done it and, hey, it's worked for you so why change?

Then you don't love her. She's just a prop for your happiness. And that's awful for her, because it can be so much better than this.

That's why people are against you here OP.

27-06-2017 10:34AM

over thinker wrote: »

Actually I would think the exact same thing, presume most people wouldn't believe it to be honest.

over thinker wrote: »

Does my GF wanting to be in this relationship mean anything to anyone?

I don't see any reason for you to lie about having told your girlfriend, if it's not true, you know ... and this whole thread is a waste of time. But you seem very invested in it. Why do you care so much about what we think? Why are you so adamant that we have to agree with you?

I think this goes back to your first post ... small town mentality or not, you care too much about what other people think of you ... and of your girlfriend. This problem is not solved in the slightest, this thread is clear evidence of that.

This thread also demonstrates your complete inability to believe anything you don't want to and I have little doubt that this applies to your relationship with your girlfriend, you are capable of convincing yourself that everything is fine (in spite of this thread) and incapable of objectively looking at the situation.

Finally, you have no understanding of what the word "controlling" means in a relationship. It has nothing to do with her "free will" or whether or not you would "overpower" her. One of the elements of controlling a relationship is using guilt as a tool to control the relationship. People who feel strong or continuous guilt will eventually do whatever it takes to not have to feel guilty and ultimately give in so the guilt will go away ... leaving you all the power and the ability to control the relationship.

I'm not saying you did this on purpose, I'm saying this is likely the situation the two of you have ended up in.

The bottom line is you OWE this woman the break you should have allowed her to have years ago. If she comes back, then you were right and you two can move forward as a couple.

Hallowed · 27-06-2017 04:37PM

Maybe this guy was an ass in the past. I thought in this forum people were to be taken at their word.
He probably deserves some vitriol but the level of it here is something else.
Never knew there was so many qualified psychologists on here either.

leggo · 27-06-2017 04:41PM

Hallowed wrote: »

Maybe this guy was an ass in the past. I thought in this forum people were to be taken at their word.
He probably deserves some vitriol but the level of it here is something else.
Never knew there was so many qualified psychologists on here either.

You realise that the entire point of the topic is that he can't let go of the past? In my experience with this forum it's very understanding when people come on and hold their hands up to past mistakes, what this OP is saying is that he can't let go a past 'mistake' from a girlfriend despite having done the same himself. Therefore it's not a case of him being a changed man, that's the point, he can't/won't change this.

GingerLily · 27-06-2017 05:17PM

Your girlfriend should be furious that you kept your cheating a secret, not because you cheated but because you hid it from her.

There's no respect or anything here, just two people who aren't ready to admit that it's time to let go - that is not a healthy relationship.

Hannibal_Smith · 27-06-2017 08:01PM

Hallowed wrote: »

Maybe this guy was an ass in the past. I thought in this forum people were to be taken at their word.
He probably deserves some vitriol but the level of it here is something else.
Never knew there was so many qualified psychologists on here either.

Who's saying their psychologists? If it was professional psychological help the OP was looking for he should attend a professional.

Why can't I move on and leave it in the past? Cheating

Comments