Why can't I move on and leave it in the past? Cheating

racso1975 · 25-06-2017 10:39PM

My 2 cents. I reckon the reason you cant let it go is primarily as you say your ego. The fact that this girl cheated on you in "a small town" with men you prob know and see and that she was called a slut :rolleyes: for this. It probably weighs on your mind what people think or what they might be saying about you/her?

If the above is true then you really need to cop on to yourself:
Firstly its 2 1/2 yrs ago!! If they were talking they have found better things to talk about.
Secondly, do you really care what people think of ye versus how you feel about her?
Thirdly you want an adult relationship but are so far from acting like an adult its unreal.

Either forgive her and move on or just let her go. Oh and stop caring what other peoples opinions are

over thinker · 25-06-2017 10:46PM

peckerhead wrote: »

Well, judging from several of your comments here you seem fairly convinced that you 'know' what she feels, thinks, would feel or think and has felt or thought in the past. I suspect that nothing anyone has said here will change that, so let's hope you're right...:rolleyes:

We now communicate a lot better. I ask her how she feels etc as opposed to just hoping she feels a certain way.
Our relationship has shifted and matured massively since this happened.
I think I am being judged a lot here on how I behaved in the past. This very past is what I posted on and how I am feel so frustrated I can't move past it.
I know I didn't respect my GFs feeling at that time but I stated my reasons for that above.
I know I don't know how she will feel think in the future, but I like to presume considering she has commited to this relationship she sees it with me.
Surely that's normal behaviour!

Hannibal_Smith · 25-06-2017 10:48PM

My thinking. Your girlfriend tried to tell you she wanted a break and wanted to be free for a while. Given her age, that'd not such an unreasonable request. From what I'm reading you didn't allow her the space? Or she got back with you because you wanted it. So instead she went around, snogged a few people, was labeled a slot and somehow she has ended up in counselling over how you have handled it?

Its poisonous for her. If you can't forgive her andget over it, then let her go live her life in peace. No one deserves to have things they did in their 20s chucked in their face. And if therapy hadn't worked, I'm not sure what other option you have?

Cheating is not good. But it was done when she was young and during a time when she told you she wanted to be free. It's not black and white.

MissShihTzu · 25-06-2017 10:53PM

Why don't you take that break now? Despite what you say, I don't think either of you are fully invested in this relationship, TBH. I think you're papering over the cracks.

Take the break and see how you BOTH feel after that.

over thinker · 25-06-2017 10:55PM

racso1975 wrote: »

My 2 cents. I reckon the reason you cant let it go is primarily as you say your ego. The fact that this girl cheated on you in "a small town" with men you prob know and see and that she was called a slut :rolleyes: for this. It probably weighs on your mind what people think or what they might be saying about you/her?

If the above is true then you really need to cop on to yourself:
Firstly its 2 1/2 yrs ago!! If they were talking they have found better things to talk about.
Secondly, do you really care what people think of ye versus how you feel about her?
Thirdly you want an adult relationship but are so far from acting like an adult its unreal.

Either forgive her and move on or just let her go. Oh and stop caring what other peoples opinions are

That response is actually how I feel I need to get too mentally, thanks very much for putting it in black and white.
I have a great friend in all this thankfully and her words are incredibly Similar to yours.
I really need to man the **** up in all this. I love her and I know I made mistakes too but we both have commited to this and as I have mentioned the last 2 years have been great.
I have been such a insecure child in all this, sometimes it takes others to tell it straight to help you realise the stupidity of your actions. I mean screw those judgemental clowns.

over thinker · 25-06-2017 11:00PM

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

My thinking. Your girlfriend tried to tell you she wanted a break and wanted to be free for a while. Given her age, that'd not such an unreasonable request. From what I'm reading you didn't allow her the space? Or she got back with you because you wanted it. So instead she went around, snogged a few people, was labeled a slot and somehow she has ended up in counselling over how you have handled it?

Its poisonous for her. If you can't forgive her andget over it, then let her go live her life in peace. No one deserves to have things they did in their 20s chucked in their face. And if therapy hadn't worked, I'm not sure what other option you have?

Cheating is not good. But it was done when she was young and during a time when she told you she wanted to be free. It's not black and white.

Thanks for that reply, it really sums it up to be honest, and like the previous answer it really helps to get constructive tough love on this to realise what a clown I have been.
The therapy was her choice as at the time her mother said some particularly tough things to her about her character (another reason this stuff happened in her opinion). I would never have forced her into that but she would said she wanted to do anything that could save us aswell, as at the time I was very close to leaving.

This is my last attempt at moving on from this, as I love her too much to continue punishing her subconsciously. I think I can do it. I really hope I can as I think I will regret it for the rest of my life.

Hannibal_Smith · 25-06-2017 11:00PM

over thinker wrote: »

I understand where you are coming from, but I think telling her would absolve my guilt more than just benefit her. It was after she did stuff and I am aware of the fact she would see it as justified based on how I reacted to her cheating.

She thinks we have moved on this, I dont want to set her back thinking I am still ruminating the whole time. She wants us, as hard it is for you to believe this, she is very happy being with me. IMO dragging stuff back up between could destroy her as it was hard as it was to move past this in the 1st place.

You don't know how she'd see it. You don't know how her mind works. It's a complete lack of respect you have for her. You've made her feel guilty to the point she needed counselling because she drunkenly kissed other men, and you did the same thing! That's not love. That's control. Why not put all the cards on the table with her and then both decide on the type of relationship you have?

In a previous post you've listed all the good things going for you. But in this post you've made it clear it's all built on a lie. Because you can't get over something. I accept that this is the reason you started the thread. But, your relationship is extremely rocky, because she believes you're over something you're still seething about.

over thinker · 25-06-2017 11:05PM

MissShihTzu wrote: »

Why don't you take that break now? Despite what you say, I don't think either of you are fully invested in this relationship, TBH. I think you're papering over the cracks.

Take the break and see how you BOTH feel after that.

She is completely 100% invested in this. That's not me controlling her as some have said, that's what she tells me, I can't control that.
Me and the other hand even though I want this to work, haven't been mentally fully committed, obvious by this thread.
We took it very handy after this happened and used that as a break phase but a clean break would have made more sense then for sure.
Right now she doesn't want a break and wants us to move on together. I want that too, but if my head doesn't co operate then I will do the right thing. She deserves that at least.
I am hopeful though I can man up here and stop being such an idiot, and appreciate the now

over thinker · 25-06-2017 11:07PM

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

You don't know how she'd see it. You don't know how her mind works. It's a complete lack of respect you have for her. You've made her feel guilty to the point she needed counselling because she drunkenly kissed other men, and you did the same thing! That's not love. That's control. Why not put all the cards on the table with her and then both decide on the type of relationship you have?

In a previous post you've listed all the good things going for you. But in this post you've made it clear it's all built on a lie. Because you can't get over something. I accept that this is the reason you started the thread. But, your relationship is extremely rocky, because she believes you're over something you're still seething about.

No she knows fully I am not over this and has remained with me every step of the way as she wants this to work.
All cards are now on the table. The relationship she wants is us letting go of the pain of the past, living and appreciating what we have now.

Hannibal_Smith · 25-06-2017 11:08PM

over thinker wrote: »

This is going to sound ridiculous but I'm pretty impulsive and I decided to tell her. Not only what I did but also I wanted to take a lot of responsibility for what happened with her and the role I played in her kissing those lads and also how I wished I had given her time to find out who she was when she wanted it.
She took it as she always does amazingly and with maturity I totally lack. She said she decided to leave the past behind along time ago and wherever I had done around that time she said should go there too. She refused to take her asking for a break and my proposal as excuses for her cheating but I said I needed her too and that I truly believe I am also responsible.
For her it seems the present is all that matters and she wants us just to move on and be happy. I don't deserve her, I never did but I feel so much better after that conversation.
It's obviously not a coincidence I feel better after being honest about my faults and actions in all this so thanks for the advice. I know I can sound like a right idiot self centred fool at times but hopefully I can now start moving on a bit better.

Jesus I'm kind off in shock with how mature she is and how she took that.

Me too tbh. She's a gem. Especially as it only took two hours, given the time of this post and your last one. Fair play to her!

Hannibal_Smith · 25-06-2017 11:09PM

over thinker wrote: »

No she knows fully I am not over this and has remained with me every step of the way as she wants this to work.
All cards are now on the table. The relationship she wants is us letting go of the pain of the past, living and appreciating what we have now.

But you've said you can't do that? If you can now, isn't that the end of the personal issue/thread as it's been resolved?.

Sorry...am reading through and posting as I go.

over thinker · 25-06-2017 11:24PM

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

Me too tbh. She's a gem. Especially as it only took two hours, given the time of this post and your last one. Fair play to her!

It sounds ridiculous to be honest. I'm a lucky man. Something I obviously don't realise enough.

over thinker · 25-06-2017 11:29PM

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

But you've said you can't do that? If you can now, isn't that the end of the personal issue/thread as it's been resolved?.

Sorry...am reading through and posting as I go.

Well I feel like I can now. My problem is a regress back through ruminating about these lads and what people think of me all the time.
I was really looking for encouragement on how to stop doing that and also wanted some hard words on what a fool I was being as it was all very forgivable.
It ended up being a bit bigger than that

but that was completely fair as I had tonnes of short comings which were a much bigger issue.
I'm a very up and down kind of guy, I'm also obviously an immature idiot. Hopefully I can start to man up before I lose this amazing girl.

strandroad · 25-06-2017 11:55PM

over thinker wrote: »

It sounds ridiculous to be honest. I'm a lucky man. Something I obviously don't realise enough.

TBH I find it hard to believe that any real person would simply accept the fact that in spite of everything you're still not over her cheating, and that in fact you have cheated yourself, and be back to this amazing trusting couple within an hour or two. If what you describe is true she sounds brainwashed.

Dtp1979 · 26-06-2017 12:05AM

I've often noticed that in this situation in particular, if she took the news so well then it probably means she got up to a lot more than you heard about op.

Conor Bourke · 26-06-2017 06:35AM

Dtp1979 wrote: »

I've often noticed that in this situation in particular, if she took the news so well then it probably means she got up to a lot more than you heard about op.

Or, given that it's such a small town and OP heard what she had done, maybe someone already told her a long time ago and she was so messed up she chose not to confront you.

over thinker · 26-06-2017 07:21AM

Dtp1979 wrote: »

I've often noticed that in this situation in particular, if she took the news so well then it probably means she got up to a lot more than you heard about op.

When I first found out it was only about 1 guy the rumour. She told me everything and every detail on her own, nothing was left on the shelf then.
There was messages she sent these guys the following day outlining that it was a mistake etc, and all the replies were along the lines, we didn't really do anything but a drunk kiss just forget about etc.

Made it a lot easier to think of worse case scenarios.

over thinker · 26-06-2017 07:23AM

Cornelius Crow wrote: »

Or, given that it's such a small town and OP heard what she had done, maybe someone already told her a long time ago and she was so messed up she chose not to confront you.

Or just maybe she wants to move on from that time and chose to a long time ago.
Some of ye painted a picture ye don't want to see outside of here and that's fine too.

Rekop dog · 26-06-2017 07:41AM

Not a whole lot about how you said she reacted to you telling her adds up. Whether you'll get a delayed reaction down the line when it fully sinks in just how you let her feel guilty this whole time when you did the same thing, or as another poster said there's a whole lot more she's hiding from you is a distinct possibility or she's been beaten down by this relationship so much she's lost any ability to defend herself.

All that is clear here is the streams of unhealthy coming from the thread is a bit troubling to be honest.

Hannibal_Smith · 26-06-2017 07:42AM

over thinker wrote: »

Or just maybe she wants to move on from that time and chose to a long time ago.
Some of ye painted a picture ye don't want to see outside of here and that's fine too.

I think that's unfair on everyone in here. You set the scene in your first post. We don't know you, or your girlfriend. But in your first post you explain how you got together young. You loved her emphatically, she wasn't so sure. She wanted a break, but your insecurities meant she couldn't take the time she needed. She ended up snogging a few fellas, her character in tatters because of a few snogs and ended up in counselling over how she was treated because of it. You say you are still not over a few snogs, you can't help thinking about it still and just can't get passed it.

Then you explain how you did the same yourself. But instead of owning what you did, you blame your actions and what she did. You doing the dirt is not her fault. You decided to kiss whoever you did. Then you say there's no point even telling her because she'll take it so well that there's no point in telling her.

Can you not see how it sounds there is something darker here? There is a relationship with just you at the centre. Your thoughts and your feelings are driving it. When she expressed a wish, that wish was denied. When she made a mistake she was made feel so bad she ended up in counselling. Take a step outside your box and look at the bigger picture.

I would be concerned your girlfriend feels stuck. If you haven't moved on from the past, how can you be sure she has? How can she feel secure in a set up that sounds like it's all about you? This all happened three years ago (am I right?). Would you normally dwell on something so long?

When you say you can't get passed it, what kind of thoughts do you have about it? Do you feel angry? Angry at her? Sad? What?

It really does sound like it's you first and foremost in the relationship and the girlfriend is afraid to say anything in case you lose it again.

over thinker · 26-06-2017 08:34AM

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

I think that's unfair on everyone in here. You set the scene in your first post. We don't know you, or your girlfriend. But in your first post you explain how you got together young. You loved her emphatically, she wasn't so sure. She wanted a break, but your insecurities meant she couldn't take the time she needed. She ended up snogging a few fellas, her character in tatters because of a few snogs and ended up in counselling over how she was treated because of it. You say you are still not over a few snogs, you can't help thinking about it still and just can't get passed it.

Then you explain how you did the same yourself. But instead of owning what you did, you blame your actions and what she did. You doing the dirt is not her fault. You decided to kiss whoever you did. Then you say there's no point even telling her because she'll take it so well that there's no point in telling her.

Can you not see how it sounds there is something darker here? There is a relationship with just you at the centre. Your thoughts and your feelings are driving it. When she expressed a wish, that wish was denied. When she made a mistake she was made feel so bad she ended up in counselling. Take a step outside your box and look at the bigger picture.

I would be concerned your girlfriend feels stuck. If you haven't moved on from the past, how can you be sure she has? How can she feel secure in a set up that sounds like it's all about you? This all happened three years ago (am I right?). Would you normally dwell on something so long?

When you say you can't get passed it, what kind of thoughts do you have about it? Do you feel angry? Angry at her? Sad? What?

It really does sound like it's you first and foremost in the relationship and the girlfriend is afraid to say anything in case you lose it again.

I comepletely agree that the first and foremost issue here is me. I have made this all about myself and I feel very guilty about that. I hate myself all the time that I didn't accept the break when it came up.
She tells me she is happy now and she wants to be in my future. That's how I know she's not in the past she tells me, what more can I do there sure.
And yes my other major issue here is I am completely living in the past on this. My thoughts are self centred and egotistical to say the least and lack compassion. When I am in a good mind set I have all that and I imagine this post would have read very differently.
I have an awful lot of anger at myself here. If I had been a man back then and accepted the break, there's a good chance 6 months later we could have tried again with added maturity and her having time to find herself a bit.
But I didn't we had a tough couple of years with me holding back full forgiveness and dragging this out.
She wanted to move on and be happy together a long time ago, she says that's all she wants, I shouldn't 2nd guess her if everyone says that was one of my problems to begin with surely.
If I can play catch up here and move on too, we really would be happy I feel, others can think differently

Hannibal_Smith · 26-06-2017 08:59AM

You're slightly missing the point on the break. I reckon she would still have done what she did, so you'd still be left with these lingering thoughts.

When something from the past keeps coming back at you it's because you're not over it. You need to ask yourself why you're not over it. At 20 your girlfriend was 5 years into a relationship that she tried to break out of but couldn't because of your anger. She then made some dodgy choices and again faced your anger. Why do you not want her to think you're still thinking about it? She's not going to break up with you and face all this again. Maybe life is just easier for her if she keeps the peace? That's what my concern is.

over thinker · 26-06-2017 09:09AM

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

You're slightly missing the point on the break. I reckon she would still have done what she did, so you'd still be left with these lingering thoughts.

When something from the past keeps coming back at you it's because you're not over it. You need to ask yourself why you're not over it. At 20 your girlfriend was 5 years into a relationship that she tried to break out of but couldn't because of your anger. She then made some dodgy choices and again faced your anger. Why do you not want her to think you're still thinking about it? She's not going to break up with you and face all this again. Maybe life is just easier for her if she keeps the peace? That's what my concern is.

No I completely understand where your coming from, but I really am not doing myself many favours in how I described this.
So I am fully aware she would have done what she did if we were on a break. See I would have got over that straight away as to the general world it would be acceptable and to me I wouldn't have been known as being cheated on.
I don't want her to think I still ruminate on this (even though she knows me well enough to know I am) because it hurts her so much to see me stuck in the past like sacrificing our future.
She has told me so many times since when I have said to her I completely understand if you want to break up and live your life you deserve (I have done that many times which I should probably have mentioned) she tells me she is perfectly capable of making her own decisions now and she doesn't want to leave, she loves me and wants to build a future, but if I can't let this go soon she needs to move on.
To be honest the above is all true I should have said more of it but I wanted to feel more of a backlash as my behaviour has been completely unacceptable and felt in need of tough love to help me move on I.e she was young get a grip and move on...

over thinker · 26-06-2017 09:26AM

Also I think it worth saying, my OH has compete freedom to do what she wants I don't control her. She gos on holidays on her own with her own group of friends, I don't try and stop her and control her.
I think the major control piece coming from slot of ye is over me not allowing a break. When she asked for one I begged her to stay, was a complete wreck. She stayed because of that, because I was distraught. She didn't stay because I backed into a corner and told no way your going no where I own you.
I was weak I admit that, she was young and didn't have the strength to go through with it. It was a mess of a situation but I don't stop her doing anything she wants now, and then I tried my best to stop her leaving because I loved her, hardly a crime, I was just heart broken then at the thought of it.
To let her hold the brunt of the pain while I did silimar was extremely selfish there's no excuse for that, but I was afraid of dragging up the past again, and was a complete coward.
She can openly leave whenever she wants in the present, she has matured greatly herself and is far more sound in herself.
I'm the insecure idiot obsessed with the past. But overpowering controlling and not letting her live her life, well that's just not true anymore.

Big Wex fan · 26-06-2017 09:33AM

Just shut up and get on with it or leave and move on. Sounds like you're tormenting this poor girl for acting like a 20 yr old. If u haven't got the maturity to accept the relationship for what it is now then let her go so she can meet someone with more cop on.

over thinker · 26-06-2017 09:34AM

I also told her yesterday that I wanted to take a large proportion of the blame for when she cheated, that I had a giant part to play.
Once again she really appreciated but said she is responsible for her actions mostly and just wants to move on.
Felt good though.

over thinker · 26-06-2017 09:37AM

Big Wex fan wrote: »

Just shut up and get on with it or leave and move on. Sounds like you're tormenting this poor girl for acting like a 20 yr old. If u haven't got the maturity to accept the relationship for what it is now then let her go so she can meet someone with more cop on.

Not that's the type of talk I need to here more off. You know what's mad I live what anyone would think is a completely perfect life, and I let the one bad part dominate me completely.
I just think I'm prob more immature in this relationship by quite a bit despite age gap. My friends telling me to move on etc didn't help either, think it's the small town **** friends I had in it which helped create this mess in my head.

Dial Hard · 26-06-2017 09:47AM

over thinker wrote:

Also I think it worth saying, my OH has compete freedom to do what she wants I don't control her. She gos on holidays on her own with her own group of friends, I don't try and stop her and control her. I think the major control piece coming from slot of ye is over me not allowing a break. When she asked for one I begged her to stay, was a complete wreck. She stayed because of that, because I was distraught. She didn't stay because I backed into a corner and told no way your going no where I own you.

I think you're rather missing the point here aswell. Control isn't necessarily overtly saying "You can or can't do this". My ex never stopped me outright from doing anything, nor told me I couldn't, because he knew I'd be out the door before he could finish the sentence if he tried. There are other, far more subtle ways of controlling people, usually using emotional manipulation. So he rarely *actually* said anything if I went out with my friends. Sometimes I'd get "Oh I thought we could do X together that night but its fine" when i said it. Then the martyr act would come in. Sometimes he'd say nothing at all but then afterwards he'd be so distant and huffy that I'd go out of my way to placate him. Little, insidious things that mightn't mean much in isolation that are all very controlling behaviours.

Now, I have absolutely no doubt that you'll deny you ever do any of these things but do you know what? My ex would have to, and he'd have believed it 100%, because he also that that control was an overt, Sleeping With The Enemy type behaviour.

Neyite · 26-06-2017 09:55AM

Bluntly it boils down to this: Your insecurity and ruminating on the past is what will eventually kill this relationship. It's corrosive and only a matter of time before she wakes up and goes "you know, I'm not a slut for kissing a couple of guys and I'm sick of being judged for it. Especially when my OH did the exact same thing. I'm out of here"

Your problem is that YOU have the small town mentality. Blame others all you like, but you've judged her to the point of her needing therapy and pointed the finger at her along with the town gossips. You are the one walking around thinking that others think you are with 'a slut' and it bothers you to the point where you will destroy what you say is a good relationship with someone wonderful.

I'm not sure where you are from but it sounds like the 1950's where men are allowed to sow their oats and men will be men but women are supposed to be paragons of virtue. I suspect that it's not the entire town that holds this opinion but rather you and your circle of friends who think like this. 'The Town' have probably long forgotten that she snogged those blokes - hell, chances are even the blokes themselves have long forgotten. You are the only one who cares.

You need to ask yourself this - how much longer does she need to atone for this humongous sin of snogging a couple of blokes? Or, how much longer do you think she will take the guilt trips or the underlying vibe of unhappiness coming from you over it - especially given your own transgressions in the same way and decide to walk away to someone who doesn't judge her. Because at some point, she will get fed up with the past hanging around her neck like a millstone and walk away.

over thinker · 26-06-2017 10:02AM

Dial Hard wrote: »

I think you're rather missing the point here aswell. Control isn't necessarily overtly saying "You can or can't do this". My ex never stopped me outright from doing anything, nor told me I couldn't, because he knew I'd be out the door before he could finish the sentence if he tried. There are other, far more subtle ways of controlling people, usually using emotional manipulation. So he rarely *actually* said anything if I went out with my friends. Sometimes I'd get "Oh I thought we could do X together that night but its fine" when i said it. Then the martyr act would come in. Sometimes he'd say nothing at all but then afterwards he'd be so distant and huffy that I'd go out of my way to placate him. Little, insidious things that mightn't mean much in isolation that are all very controlling behaviours.

Now, I have absolutely no doubt that you'll deny you ever do any of these things but do you know what? My ex would have to, and he'd have believed it 100%, because he also that that control was an overt, Sleeping With The Enemy type behaviour.

I appreciate that this looks like it could have similarities, but I 1000% do not act like that with her. We have complete freedom in that way. She has said many times she was surprised I didn't go over the top checking in and analysing her every move after it happened. That's no way to live.
I am guilty though of not wanting her to leave me 100% and doing all I could to keep her. Not proud of that but at least I am now fully aware and she is happy in herself

Why can't I move on and leave it in the past? Cheating

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