peckerhead wrote: » Well, judging from several of your comments here you seem fairly convinced that you 'know' what she feels, thinks, would feel or think and has felt or thought in the past. I suspect that nothing anyone has said here will change that, so let's hope you're right...:rolleyes:
racso1975 wrote: » My 2 cents. I reckon the reason you cant let it go is primarily as you say your ego. The fact that this girl cheated on you in "a small town" with men you prob know and see and that she was called a slut :rolleyes: for this. It probably weighs on your mind what people think or what they might be saying about you/her? If the above is true then you really need to cop on to yourself: Firstly its 2 1/2 yrs ago!! If they were talking they have found better things to talk about. Secondly, do you really care what people think of ye versus how you feel about her? Thirdly you want an adult relationship but are so far from acting like an adult its unreal. Either forgive her and move on or just let her go. Oh and stop caring what other peoples opinions are
Hannibal_Smith wrote: » My thinking. Your girlfriend tried to tell you she wanted a break and wanted to be free for a while. Given her age, that'd not such an unreasonable request. From what I'm reading you didn't allow her the space? Or she got back with you because you wanted it. So instead she went around, snogged a few people, was labeled a slot and somehow she has ended up in counselling over how you have handled it? Its poisonous for her. If you can't forgive her andget over it, then let her go live her life in peace. No one deserves to have things they did in their 20s chucked in their face. And if therapy hadn't worked, I'm not sure what other option you have? Cheating is not good. But it was done when she was young and during a time when she told you she wanted to be free. It's not black and white.
over thinker wrote: » I understand where you are coming from, but I think telling her would absolve my guilt more than just benefit her. It was after she did stuff and I am aware of the fact she would see it as justified based on how I reacted to her cheating. She thinks we have moved on this, I dont want to set her back thinking I am still ruminating the whole time. She wants us, as hard it is for you to believe this, she is very happy being with me. IMO dragging stuff back up between could destroy her as it was hard as it was to move past this in the 1st place.
MissShihTzu wrote: » Why don't you take that break now? Despite what you say, I don't think either of you are fully invested in this relationship, TBH. I think you're papering over the cracks. Take the break and see how you BOTH feel after that.
Hannibal_Smith wrote: » You don't know how she'd see it. You don't know how her mind works. It's a complete lack of respect you have for her. You've made her feel guilty to the point she needed counselling because she drunkenly kissed other men, and you did the same thing! That's not love. That's control. Why not put all the cards on the table with her and then both decide on the type of relationship you have? In a previous post you've listed all the good things going for you. But in this post you've made it clear it's all built on a lie. Because you can't get over something. I accept that this is the reason you started the thread. But, your relationship is extremely rocky, because she believes you're over something you're still seething about.
over thinker wrote: » This is going to sound ridiculous but I'm pretty impulsive and I decided to tell her. Not only what I did but also I wanted to take a lot of responsibility for what happened with her and the role I played in her kissing those lads and also how I wished I had given her time to find out who she was when she wanted it. She took it as she always does amazingly and with maturity I totally lack. She said she decided to leave the past behind along time ago and wherever I had done around that time she said should go there too. She refused to take her asking for a break and my proposal as excuses for her cheating but I said I needed her too and that I truly believe I am also responsible. For her it seems the present is all that matters and she wants us just to move on and be happy. I don't deserve her, I never did but I feel so much better after that conversation. It's obviously not a coincidence I feel better after being honest about my faults and actions in all this so thanks for the advice. I know I can sound like a right idiot self centred fool at times but hopefully I can now start moving on a bit better. Jesus I'm kind off in shock with how mature she is and how she took that.
over thinker wrote: » No she knows fully I am not over this and has remained with me every step of the way as she wants this to work. All cards are now on the table. The relationship she wants is us letting go of the pain of the past, living and appreciating what we have now.
Hannibal_Smith wrote: » Me too tbh. She's a gem. Especially as it only took two hours, given the time of this post and your last one. Fair play to her!
Hannibal_Smith wrote: » But you've said you can't do that? If you can now, isn't that the end of the personal issue/thread as it's been resolved?. Sorry...am reading through and posting as I go.
over thinker wrote: » It sounds ridiculous to be honest. I'm a lucky man. Something I obviously don't realise enough.
Dtp1979 wrote: » I've often noticed that in this situation in particular, if she took the news so well then it probably means she got up to a lot more than you heard about op.
Cornelius Crow wrote: » Or, given that it's such a small town and OP heard what she had done, maybe someone already told her a long time ago and she was so messed up she chose not to confront you.
over thinker wrote: » Or just maybe she wants to move on from that time and chose to a long time ago. Some of ye painted a picture ye don't want to see outside of here and that's fine too.
Hannibal_Smith wrote: » I think that's unfair on everyone in here. You set the scene in your first post. We don't know you, or your girlfriend. But in your first post you explain how you got together young. You loved her emphatically, she wasn't so sure. She wanted a break, but your insecurities meant she couldn't take the time she needed. She ended up snogging a few fellas, her character in tatters because of a few snogs and ended up in counselling over how she was treated because of it. You say you are still not over a few snogs, you can't help thinking about it still and just can't get passed it. Then you explain how you did the same yourself. But instead of owning what you did, you blame your actions and what she did. You doing the dirt is not her fault. You decided to kiss whoever you did. Then you say there's no point even telling her because she'll take it so well that there's no point in telling her. Can you not see how it sounds there is something darker here? There is a relationship with just you at the centre. Your thoughts and your feelings are driving it. When she expressed a wish, that wish was denied. When she made a mistake she was made feel so bad she ended up in counselling. Take a step outside your box and look at the bigger picture. I would be concerned your girlfriend feels stuck. If you haven't moved on from the past, how can you be sure she has? How can she feel secure in a set up that sounds like it's all about you? This all happened three years ago (am I right?). Would you normally dwell on something so long? When you say you can't get passed it, what kind of thoughts do you have about it? Do you feel angry? Angry at her? Sad? What? It really does sound like it's you first and foremost in the relationship and the girlfriend is afraid to say anything in case you lose it again.
Hannibal_Smith wrote: » You're slightly missing the point on the break. I reckon she would still have done what she did, so you'd still be left with these lingering thoughts. When something from the past keeps coming back at you it's because you're not over it. You need to ask yourself why you're not over it. At 20 your girlfriend was 5 years into a relationship that she tried to break out of but couldn't because of your anger. She then made some dodgy choices and again faced your anger. Why do you not want her to think you're still thinking about it? She's not going to break up with you and face all this again. Maybe life is just easier for her if she keeps the peace? That's what my concern is.
Big Wex fan wrote: » Just shut up and get on with it or leave and move on. Sounds like you're tormenting this poor girl for acting like a 20 yr old. If u haven't got the maturity to accept the relationship for what it is now then let her go so she can meet someone with more cop on.
over thinker wrote: Also I think it worth saying, my OH has compete freedom to do what she wants I don't control her. She gos on holidays on her own with her own group of friends, I don't try and stop her and control her. I think the major control piece coming from slot of ye is over me not allowing a break. When she asked for one I begged her to stay, was a complete wreck. She stayed because of that, because I was distraught. She didn't stay because I backed into a corner and told no way your going no where I own you.
Dial Hard wrote: » I think you're rather missing the point here aswell. Control isn't necessarily overtly saying "You can or can't do this". My ex never stopped me outright from doing anything, nor told me I couldn't, because he knew I'd be out the door before he could finish the sentence if he tried. There are other, far more subtle ways of controlling people, usually using emotional manipulation. So he rarely *actually* said anything if I went out with my friends. Sometimes I'd get "Oh I thought we could do X together that night but its fine" when i said it. Then the martyr act would come in. Sometimes he'd say nothing at all but then afterwards he'd be so distant and huffy that I'd go out of my way to placate him. Little, insidious things that mightn't mean much in isolation that are all very controlling behaviours. Now, I have absolutely no doubt that you'll deny you ever do any of these things but do you know what? My ex would have to, and he'd have believed it 100%, because he also that that control was an overt, Sleeping With The Enemy type behaviour.
