Why can't I move on and leave it in the past? Cheating

over thinker · 25-06-2017 11:01AM #1

Hi,
Long one here bear with me..
Me and girlfriend have been together for nearly 8 years. We started going out when I was 20 and she was 16. It's been a great relationship for the most part and we have been living together for 2 years now.
About 3 years she had attempted to go on a break from me. She was only 20 at the time and felt she needed space alone as we had been together since she was very young. I could barely cope and broke down and she decided to stay based of my reaction. A similar situation happened a few weeks later.
A few months after this I came with the ridiculous plan to try and get engaged. I basically thought by doing this I would somehow protect the relationship and save it. She realised what I was doing on holiday and in a nice way told me how she wasn't ready for something like that (obviously after wanting a break a few months earlier!). The Summer came then and 4 months later we were getting on well and we moved in together. Since then things have been great and she openly talks about how she wants to spend the rest of our lives together and its definitely what I would like too in a couple of years.
Now for the **** part. A friend told me 2 and a half years ago that he heard my GF had been seen kissing a couple of guys at different times in the town we are from (small town mentality kind of place). That night I confronted her about it and she broke down and admitted the truth. At the time when she wanted to go on a break she had kissed a couple of guys while drunk. After the proposal attempt it happened 3 more times that Summer. Her head was justifiably all over the place at the time and she obviously needed to be on her own then but I was so angry. She had decided before we moved in together that she was happy to spend her life with me and left those drunken mistakes behind her. She hadn't told me what had happened when it did as she had seen how I had reacted to going on a break before and couldn't do it to me.
She is an amazing person she really is and if I had given her space I don't think any of this would be an issue, but I struggle so much even all these years later thinking about it or ruminating on it. Completely hypocritically I have made similar lapses (drunk kisses) and she would not waste 2 seconds forgiving me.
No relationships really make it from the ages we started going out (especially in her case) and she deservedly needed space at the age she was, so why am I struggling so much here.
Do people agree it's an extremely forgivable situation ? Thanks for any advice I really appreciate it.

Airyfairy12 · 25-06-2017 11:33AM

You sound very possessive and not mature enough for such a heavy relationship. She requested to go on a break which she is every bit in her right to do but it was a total no go from your side of things and then you decide to propose to her, completely disregarding her feelings and needs, you only wanted to propose so she couldnt leave you, essentially trying to keep her trapped in the relationship, im really not surprised she kissed other men and you have no right to be annoyed with her, you've already cheated on her yourself. You have one rule for you and another for your girlfriend.

You have strong feelings regarding the relationship and your girlfriend but that doesnt make those feelings right and it doesnt mean you should act on them. Another thing, your girlfriend is not a possession, you need to respect her feelings and understand she's not some extension of yourself. Its you that has the problem in my opinion, you might want to work through those intense emotions you have and learn to treat your girlfriend as an individual with her own feelings, wants and needs if you want this relationship to last.

Edit -- Sorry but I missed the part where you were 20 and she was 16. Isnt that illegal?

judeboy101 · 25-06-2017 11:40AM

She was 16?? So when you were 16 she was 12??

over thinker · 25-06-2017 11:44AM

Thanks for the response Airyfairy12.

To be honest its the type of feedback I require. I question myself as weak for forgiving over and over even though I am fully aware of what you said at times in my head and it makes me sick to the stomach I behave this way.

I have gone for therapy on this and was getting alot better but seem to lapse back to my old ways at times.

I really do love her and as I said we are actually in the place now I suppose I always wanted-full commitment and her in a really good place in her life.

I constantly compare this cheating to other peoples and associate the way a number of people that dont forgive as a dig at how I am weak and a sucker so to speak. I wish I could put this in better context, as it seems it pretty low down on the cheating scale?

The amount of guys she kissed and how alot of people know really gets to me and effects my headspace. My town is the type of place that branded her a slut pretty quickly (one of the guys was 30+ and had a kid) and alot of her friends bailed on her. I guess I took this as evidence I should also not forgive.

She has been through hell with this, and stood by me every step of the way, watching me hold resentment and staying patient. She also went for therapy to help her deal with some of the issues that led her here (questioning herself worth etc).

Our live really has all the ingredients to be perfect right now, I wish I had the strength to move on and live a great life with her. The type she truly deserves.

over thinker · 25-06-2017 11:45AM

judeboy101 wrote: »

She was 16?? So when you were 16 she was 12??

Haha no. We started going out when she was 16 (nearly 17) and I was 20 (nearly 21).

So this stuff happened when she was 20/21.

Airyfairy12 · 25-06-2017 11:59AM

over thinker wrote: »

Thanks for the response Airyfairy12.

To be honest its the type of feedback I require. I question myself as weak for forgiving over and over even though I am fully aware of what you said at times in my head and it makes me sick to the stomach I behave this way.

I have gone for therapy on this and was getting alot better but seem to lapse back to my old ways at times.

I really do love her and as I said we are actually in the place now I suppose I always wanted-full commitment and her in a really good place in her life.

I constantly compare this cheating to other peoples and associate the way a number of people that dont forgive as a dig at how I am weak and a sucker so to speak. I wish I could put this in better context, as it seems it pretty low down on the cheating scale?

The amount of guys she kissed and how alot of people know really gets to me and effects my headspace. My town is the type of place that branded her a slut pretty quickly (one of the guys was 30+ and had a kid) and alot of her friends bailed on her. I guess I took this as evidence I should also not forgive.

She has been through hell with this, and stood by me every step of the way, watching me hold resentment and staying patient. She also went for therapy to help her deal with some of the issues that led her here (questioning herself worth etc).

Our live really has all the ingredients to be perfect right now, I wish I had the strength to move on and live a great life with her. The type she truly deserves.

Are people seriously still calling women sluts??? How awful for your girlfriend. Not only was she was in a controlling/possessive relationship which she wasn't allowed to leave she had the town calling her a slut...even though you'd already cheated. Im sure your mates thought you were the big lad cheating on your girlfriend but tables turned and she's a slut. Sounds like a lovely place.

Im not surprised she's been questioning her self worth given the situation and people she's been surrounded with.

I get that its very easy to be influenced by peers and the culture within the area but cant you think for yourself a little bit here? put your feelings aside and try to look at the bigger picture? Youre concerned with looking 'weak' .. im not even sure what you mean by this? Do you think she is weak for accepting your behaviour?

Aspadeaspade · 25-06-2017 12:03PM

I hope she sees sense and leaves this toxic relationship. You sound like a head wrecker OP. Poor girl was young when all this started, she probably knows it's not a healthy relationship and it must be hard for her to get out.

strandroad · 25-06-2017 12:08PM

So you're holding the drunk kissing thing over her head, while hiding from her that you did the same with others?

over thinker · 25-06-2017 12:22PM

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Are people seriously still calling women sluts??? How awful for your girlfriend. Not only was she was in a controlling/possessive relationship which she wasn't allowed to leave she had the town calling her a slut...even though you'd already cheated. Im sure your mates thought you were the big lad cheating on your girlfriend but tables turned and she's a slut. Sounds like a lovely place.

Im not surprised she's been questioning her self worth given the situation and people she's been surrounded with.

I get that its very easy to be influenced by peers and the culture within the area but cant you think for yourself a little bit here? put your feelings aside and try to look at the bigger picture? Youre concerned with looking 'weak' .. im not even sure what you mean by this? Do you think she is weak for accepting your behaviour?

I know Im not proud of myself and how I have acted in all this. I guess I'm insecure in how I am portrayed and because my friends were the ones to feed me the gossip and info they only buy into "she wasn't honest, shes a cheat mentality". I have distanced myself from these people now, which is one positive.

I am aware I need to man up. I hate myself for how I have dealt with this and how weak I am mentally. I am overall a decent boyfriend, she has stuck around 8 years!, but I am sick of what I am so close to ruining and destroying over a couple of drunk kisses.

Conor Bourke · 25-06-2017 12:22PM

over thinker wrote: »

She has been through hell with this, and stood by me every step of the way, watching me hold resentment and staying patient. She also went for therapy to help her deal with some of the issues that led her here (questioning herself worth etc).

You don't seem very willing to look at the role you've played in this. Your choice of words is telling: you've put her through hell. You're coming across as extremely possessive and trying to justify your feelings and treatment of this girl.

You say other people have branded her a slut and you talk about her going to counselling over her lack of self worth. Did you call her a "slut" "whore" or similar when you found out about her kissing other guys?

As pointed out by others, she is not an extension of you or someone you own. She shouldn't have had to ask for a break and you shouldn't have been able to prevent her from walking away of that was what she wanted at the time. She's a lot younger than you and it sounds like whatever self-worth she had to begin with was worn away by being with you.

You're right, she does deserve an amazing life. You do too, I'm just not sure that either of you will have that together.

Do the girl a favour and let her go because it appears that you're more concerned about what people will think of you for staying with her and you have cheated on her too but don't seem to think it's worthy of mention except for a side note. That's not love.

over thinker · 25-06-2017 12:26PM

Aspadeaspade wrote: »

I hope she sees sense and leaves this toxic relationship. You sound like a head wrecker OP. Poor girl was young when all this started, she probably knows it's not a healthy relationship and it must be hard for her to get out.

As hard as it is to imagine, we have a very healthy relationship now, one which he could happily leave if she wants (therapy has made her much stronger). She has decided to remain and now knows what she wants in life and this relationship, which luckily for me is us for now.

I come across as a bit of a nutjob I know in the post, but I have been a good BF for the most part and was/am just heartbroken about the whole thing too. I hate that these lads took advantage of our situation and were able to get close to her, but I know thats mostly ego talking. Seeing them on a night out still hits me hard.

Penny Tration · 25-06-2017 12:30PM

After what you put her through when she was brave enough to admit to cheating, shouldn't you do her the respect of telling her "hey I treated you like crap for cheating but actually I'm a hypocrite cause I cheated too?" Surely she deserves to know the man she's with?

Tilikum · 25-06-2017 12:30PM

At 20 yrs of age I wouldn't be going near a 16yr old.

Nasty.

over thinker · 25-06-2017 12:31PM

mhge wrote: »

So you're holding the drunk kissing thing over her head, while hiding from her that you did the same with others?

I know complete and utter disgraceful behaviour from me. I dont know why and how I am able to do that. Its like I can forget about my mistakes, even though I had alot less reason for doing it than my GF - didnt ask for break, alot older.

I really do hate myself at times. I have this perfect relationship right in front of me, build over so long, and a woman who truly loves me in the now but I forever will me my own worst enemy, dictated by the thoughts of others.

over thinker · 25-06-2017 12:32PM

Tilikum wrote: »

At 20 yrs of age I wouldn't be going near a 16yr old.

Nasty.

At that time it did play heavily on my mind, she was nearly 17 mind.

Worked out ok for the most part! But if I had a daughter she wouldn't be allowed near one!

over thinker · 25-06-2017 12:35PM

Penny Tration wrote: »

After what you put her through when she was brave enough to admit to cheating, shouldn't you do her the respect of telling her "hey I treated you like crap for cheating but actually I'm a hypocrite cause I cheated too?" Surely she deserves to know the man she's with?

To be honest I wish I never found out with the way I have been since and I dont want her to have to add that to her life too, enough has gone on already.

That may sound selfish, but I know she would forgive me so there is no gain in it I dont think.

She wanted to move past this years ago I dont see how new info could help when I have no interest in ever going back there.

over thinker · 25-06-2017 12:42PM

Cornelius Crow wrote: »

You don't seem very willing to look at the role you've played in this. Your choice of words is telling: you've put her through hell. You're coming across as extremely possessive and trying to justify your feelings and treatment of this girl.

You say other people have branded her a slut and you talk about her going to counselling over her lack of self worth. Did you call her a "slut" "whore" or similar when you found out about her kissing other guys?

As pointed out by others, she is not an extension of you or someone you own. She shouldn't have had to ask for a break and you shouldn't have been able to prevent her from walking away of that was what she wanted at the time. She's a lot younger than you and it sounds like whatever self-worth she had to begin with was worn away by being with you.

You're right, she does deserve an amazing life. You do too, I'm just not sure that either of you will have that together.

Do the girl a favour and let her go because it appears that you're more concerned about what people will think of you for staying with her and you have cheated on her too but don't seem to think it's worthy of mention except for a side note. That's not love.

Thanks for the reply.

I agree with basically everything you said and I want to make clear I am aware of my part to play here and how disgraceful I am too.

To be honest I wanted a bit of a backlash as I have been protected too long by people thinking I am just some guy who accepted cheating.

I have been weak, and I know it may seem like breaking up is the fair thing to do, we have discussed that a few times since in low points and we both want to be here still, she especially wants us to try as she feels the part of her life where she needed space has now been satisfied during that time. It showed her what she really wanted so to speak.

Airyfairy12 · 25-06-2017 12:44PM

over thinker wrote: »

I know Im not proud of myself and how I have acted in all this. I guess I'm insecure in how I am portrayed and because my friends were the ones to feed me the gossip and info they only buy into "she wasn't honest, shes a cheat mentality". I have distanced myself from these people now, which is one positive.

I am aware I need to man up. I hate myself for how I have dealt with this and how weak I am mentally. I am overall a decent boyfriend, she has stuck around 8 years!, but I am sick of what I am so close to ruining and destroying over a couple of drunk kisses.

I think you need to get this 'weak' thing out of your head, youre not weak for having feelings or being forgiving. Just take responsibility for your own thoughts and actions, understand theyre not productive or helping anyone and allow your girlfriend to be her own person. Distancing yourself from unhealthy and small minded people is a big step now you need to work on not holding this over your girlfriends head, she's been through enough.

strandroad · 25-06-2017 12:45PM

over thinker wrote: »

I have been weak, and I know it may seem like breaking up is the fair thing to do, we have discussed that a few times since in low points and we both want to be here still, she especially wants us to try as she feels the part of her life where she needed space has now been satisfied during that time. It showed her what she really wanted so to speak.

Tell her that you cheated too and see what she says then. You are treating her horribly and keep looking for excuses.

strandroad · 25-06-2017 12:48PM

over thinker wrote: »

To be honest I wish I never found out with the way I have been since and I dont want her to have to add that to her life too, enough has gone on already.

That may sound selfish, but I know she would forgive me so there is no gain in it I dont think.

She wanted to move past this years ago I dont see how new info could help when I have no interest in ever going back there.

That's pretty much a definition of hypocrisy though. How can you be sure she'd forgive you if you can't forgive her? The gain is for her to reclaim her self esteem when she learns she's not the only one responsible for your difficulties.

over thinker · 25-06-2017 12:50PM

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

I think you need to get this 'weak' thing out of your head, youre not weak for having feelings or being forgiving. Just take responsibility for your own thoughts and actions, understand theyre not productive or helping anyone and allow your girlfriend to be her own person. Distancing yourself from unhealthy and small minded people is a big step now you need to work on not holding this over your girlfriends head, she's been through enough.

Thank you so much for this Airfairy. The messages you have wrote have really resonated with me and I really hope I can push forward and show some balls here.

With a bit of cope on I really think we could have everything but it is really going to come down to my mind and controlling the negativity.

Airyfairy12 · 25-06-2017 12:51PM

over thinker wrote: »

At that time it did play heavily on my mind, she was nearly 17 mind.

Worked out ok for the most part! But if I had a daughter she wouldn't be allowed near one!

Women are not possessions or extensions of you. You dont get to control them, regardless of your relationship with them. You have one rule for women and another for yourself!

over thinker · 25-06-2017 12:52PM

mhge wrote: »

Tell her that you cheated too and see what she says then. You are treating her horribly and keep looking for excuses.

I know I have treated her terribly I am not making excuses, I am fully acknowledging that.

Ursus Horribilis · 25-06-2017 12:53PM

Quite honestly, if your girlfriend was my sister or my friend, I'd be strongly advising her to split permanently from you. She has known no other life than to be in this relationship. That 4 year age gap is quite significant at 17/18, no matter how mature she might have seemed. Your behaviour when she tried to split has probably set the template for the rest of the relationship. You did not respect her wishes and instead you guilted her into staying. That marriage proposal didn't come from a good place either and you know it. It was a "lock her down" ploy.

My take on your girlfriend's behaviour is that her head is messed up from being in this relationship for so long. She's expressing her unhappiness by kissing these other men. Her talk of wanting to be with you forever is her fear of the unknown. She's only 24 years old and knows no other life than being with you. It's probably some form of Stockholm syndrome.

strandroad · 25-06-2017 12:54PM

over thinker wrote: »

I know I have treated her terribly I am not making excuses, I am fully acknowledging that.

So come out clean. Your reasons why you won't are just excuses. You're punishing her exclusively for what you both did.

over thinker · 25-06-2017 12:56PM

mhge wrote: »

That's pretty much a definition of hypocrisy though. How can you be sure she'd forgive you if you can't forgive her? The gain is for her to reclaim her self esteem when she learns she's not the only one responsible for your difficulties.

She has told me 100's of times that she could easily have moved past a similar situation with what we have together.

She is a much more content happier person in herself now and doesn't suffer form low self-esteem.

strandroad · 25-06-2017 01:01PM

over thinker wrote: »

She has told me 100's of times that she could easily have moved past a similar situation with what we have together.

Of course she did, she wanted to placate you. And she had no idea you were guilty of the same thing you blamed her for.

over thinker wrote: »

She is a much more content happier person in herself now and doesn't suffer form low self-esteem.

She was in therapy you said. And you're still holding it over her head today.

over thinker · 25-06-2017 01:03PM

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Quite honestly, if your girlfriend was my sister or my friend, I'd be strongly advising her to split permanently from you. She has known no other life than to be in this relationship. That 4 year age gap is quite significant at 17/18, no matter how mature she might have seemed. Your behaviour when she tried to split has probably set the template for the rest of the relationship. You did not respect her wishes and instead you guilted her into staying. That marriage proposal didn't come from a good place either and you know it. It was a "lock her down" ploy.

My take on your girlfriend's behaviour is that her head is messed up from being in this relationship for so long. She's expressing her unhappiness by kissing these other men. Her talk of wanting to be with you forever is her fear of the unknown. She's only 24 years old and knows no other life than being with you. It's probably some form of Stockholm syndrome.

Actually a great reply but I wouldn't go as far as Stockholm Syndrome! she is now alot more comfortable in herself after therapy and has openly spoke about how she has the power to be on her own but she doesnt want to be, that she is very happy in our relationship.

And you are 100% correct the proposal came only from a place of locking her down, please understand I was very scared of losing her @ the time though and I was acting out of my complete and utter mind!

This was 3 years ago too that the kissing occurred so she definitely not still feeling trapped or in the same mindset. As I said she really is a much more confident mature independent woman now after therapy and going through this, including losing the friends who treated her like ****e.

She really is an awesome amazing person.

over thinker · 25-06-2017 01:10PM

Colser wrote: »

So why haven't you told her that you've done the same thing that you seem to be persecuting her for doing...I think you're head is wrecked and in turn you're wrecking her head.You are the issue here ,not her or your friends,no offense but I feel very sorry for your girlfriend, sounds like you have her hounded for doing something that you've also done unbeknownst to her.Very unfair imo.

Agree completely I am a pure hypocrite. Worse though is at least the reasons she did it are far more acceptable if not going by the replies here almost fair and expected for someone in her position.

I am not good enough for her I know, but I am trying to be as I love her I really do.

Conor Bourke · 25-06-2017 01:23PM

You're giving it loads with the "completely agree" replies but aren't actually answering the questions put to you.

When did you kiss others, was it before you found out she'd done it, why didn't you tell her (be honest) and did you yourself call her a slut/whatever it was it just what others called her?

over thinker · 25-06-2017 01:34PM

Cornelius Crow wrote: »

You're giving it loads with the "completely agree" replies but aren't actually answering the questions put to you.

When did you kiss others, was it before you found out she'd done it, why didn't you tell her (be honest) and did you yourself call her a slut/whatever it was it just what others called her?

I kissed a couple of girls after I found out. They were when I was drunk also. I could easily have once before I found out also but the way the night progressed it just didn't happen thankfully, but I can completely relate to how it would happen. I was all over the place mentally after I found out. I didn't tell for reasons mentioned previously.

No, I never called her those names, I'm not a complete prick, I do genuinely love her, I just am overcome with this and am trying to make myself better to save this before I **** it away and regret it for the rest of my life.

Why can't I move on and leave it in the past? Cheating

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