judeboy101 wrote: » She was 16?? So when you were 16 she was 12??
over thinker wrote: » Thanks for the response Airyfairy12. To be honest its the type of feedback I require. I question myself as weak for forgiving over and over even though I am fully aware of what you said at times in my head and it makes me sick to the stomach I behave this way. I have gone for therapy on this and was getting alot better but seem to lapse back to my old ways at times. I really do love her and as I said we are actually in the place now I suppose I always wanted-full commitment and her in a really good place in her life. I constantly compare this cheating to other peoples and associate the way a number of people that dont forgive as a dig at how I am weak and a sucker so to speak. I wish I could put this in better context, as it seems it pretty low down on the cheating scale? The amount of guys she kissed and how alot of people know really gets to me and effects my headspace. My town is the type of place that branded her a slut pretty quickly (one of the guys was 30+ and had a kid) and alot of her friends bailed on her. I guess I took this as evidence I should also not forgive. She has been through hell with this, and stood by me every step of the way, watching me hold resentment and staying patient. She also went for therapy to help her deal with some of the issues that led her here (questioning herself worth etc). Our live really has all the ingredients to be perfect right now, I wish I had the strength to move on and live a great life with her. The type she truly deserves.
Airyfairy12 wrote: » Are people seriously still calling women sluts??? How awful for your girlfriend. Not only was she was in a controlling/possessive relationship which she wasn't allowed to leave she had the town calling her a slut...even though you'd already cheated. Im sure your mates thought you were the big lad cheating on your girlfriend but tables turned and she's a slut. Sounds like a lovely place. Im not surprised she's been questioning her self worth given the situation and people she's been surrounded with. I get that its very easy to be influenced by peers and the culture within the area but cant you think for yourself a little bit here? put your feelings aside and try to look at the bigger picture? Youre concerned with looking 'weak' .. im not even sure what you mean by this? Do you think she is weak for accepting your behaviour?
over thinker wrote: » She has been through hell with this, and stood by me every step of the way, watching me hold resentment and staying patient. She also went for therapy to help her deal with some of the issues that led her here (questioning herself worth etc).
Aspadeaspade wrote: » I hope she sees sense and leaves this toxic relationship. You sound like a head wrecker OP. Poor girl was young when all this started, she probably knows it's not a healthy relationship and it must be hard for her to get out.
mhge wrote: » So you're holding the drunk kissing thing over her head, while hiding from her that you did the same with others?
Tilikum wrote: » At 20 yrs of age I wouldn't be going near a 16yr old. Nasty.
Penny Tration wrote: » After what you put her through when she was brave enough to admit to cheating, shouldn't you do her the respect of telling her "hey I treated you like crap for cheating but actually I'm a hypocrite cause I cheated too?" Surely she deserves to know the man she's with?
Cornelius Crow wrote: » You don't seem very willing to look at the role you've played in this. Your choice of words is telling: you've put her through hell. You're coming across as extremely possessive and trying to justify your feelings and treatment of this girl. You say other people have branded her a slut and you talk about her going to counselling over her lack of self worth. Did you call her a "slut" "whore" or similar when you found out about her kissing other guys? As pointed out by others, she is not an extension of you or someone you own. She shouldn't have had to ask for a break and you shouldn't have been able to prevent her from walking away of that was what she wanted at the time. She's a lot younger than you and it sounds like whatever self-worth she had to begin with was worn away by being with you. You're right, she does deserve an amazing life. You do too, I'm just not sure that either of you will have that together. Do the girl a favour and let her go because it appears that you're more concerned about what people will think of you for staying with her and you have cheated on her too but don't seem to think it's worthy of mention except for a side note. That's not love.
over thinker wrote: » I know Im not proud of myself and how I have acted in all this. I guess I'm insecure in how I am portrayed and because my friends were the ones to feed me the gossip and info they only buy into "she wasn't honest, shes a cheat mentality". I have distanced myself from these people now, which is one positive. I am aware I need to man up. I hate myself for how I have dealt with this and how weak I am mentally. I am overall a decent boyfriend, she has stuck around 8 years!, but I am sick of what I am so close to ruining and destroying over a couple of drunk kisses.
over thinker wrote: » I have been weak, and I know it may seem like breaking up is the fair thing to do, we have discussed that a few times since in low points and we both want to be here still, she especially wants us to try as she feels the part of her life where she needed space has now been satisfied during that time. It showed her what she really wanted so to speak.
over thinker wrote: » To be honest I wish I never found out with the way I have been since and I dont want her to have to add that to her life too, enough has gone on already. That may sound selfish, but I know she would forgive me so there is no gain in it I dont think. She wanted to move past this years ago I dont see how new info could help when I have no interest in ever going back there.
Airyfairy12 wrote: » I think you need to get this 'weak' thing out of your head, youre not weak for having feelings or being forgiving. Just take responsibility for your own thoughts and actions, understand theyre not productive or helping anyone and allow your girlfriend to be her own person. Distancing yourself from unhealthy and small minded people is a big step now you need to work on not holding this over your girlfriends head, she's been through enough.
over thinker wrote: » At that time it did play heavily on my mind, she was nearly 17 mind. Worked out ok for the most part! But if I had a daughter she wouldn't be allowed near one!
mhge wrote: » Tell her that you cheated too and see what she says then. You are treating her horribly and keep looking for excuses.
over thinker wrote: » I know I have treated her terribly I am not making excuses, I am fully acknowledging that.
mhge wrote: » That's pretty much a definition of hypocrisy though. How can you be sure she'd forgive you if you can't forgive her? The gain is for her to reclaim her self esteem when she learns she's not the only one responsible for your difficulties.
over thinker wrote: » She has told me 100's of times that she could easily have moved past a similar situation with what we have together.
over thinker wrote: » She is a much more content happier person in herself now and doesn't suffer form low self-esteem.
Ursus Horribilis wrote: » Quite honestly, if your girlfriend was my sister or my friend, I'd be strongly advising her to split permanently from you. She has known no other life than to be in this relationship. That 4 year age gap is quite significant at 17/18, no matter how mature she might have seemed. Your behaviour when she tried to split has probably set the template for the rest of the relationship. You did not respect her wishes and instead you guilted her into staying. That marriage proposal didn't come from a good place either and you know it. It was a "lock her down" ploy. My take on your girlfriend's behaviour is that her head is messed up from being in this relationship for so long. She's expressing her unhappiness by kissing these other men. Her talk of wanting to be with you forever is her fear of the unknown. She's only 24 years old and knows no other life than being with you. It's probably some form of Stockholm syndrome.
Colser wrote: » So why haven't you told her that you've done the same thing that you seem to be persecuting her for doing...I think you're head is wrecked and in turn you're wrecking her head.You are the issue here ,not her or your friends,no offense but I feel very sorry for your girlfriend, sounds like you have her hounded for doing something that you've also done unbeknownst to her.Very unfair imo.
Cornelius Crow wrote: » You're giving it loads with the "completely agree" replies but aren't actually answering the questions put to you. When did you kiss others, was it before you found out she'd done it, why didn't you tell her (be honest) and did you yourself call her a slut/whatever it was it just what others called her?
