Best way to ask a guy who's dumped you if ye can stay in contact as friends?

LegacyUser · 08-06-2017 09:42AM #1

Hi ,

I was dumped by a guy I really care about, it was a long distance relationship and he said he didn't want a long distance relationship and that was that, was very cold with me and stopped talking to me after that. I was also wrong because I messaged him too much and wanted to hear from him most days. I now know that was a huge mistake on my part. I didn't contact him for a while after but sent him a quick text a few days ago asking if he was ok because of the terrorist attack in London and he messaged back saying he was fine.

I accept that we cant have a relationship but if there is any chance we could stay in contact as friends, Id at least like to know if its something he would consider?

I suppose whats the best way to word a message asking him this?

Big Bag of Chips · 08-06-2017 02:09PM

People generally don't ask other people to be friends. A friendship develops naturally. If it's not happening naturally, it's not going to happen if you ask for it. If he doesn't feel the need to contact you occasionally to just chat or check how you are, then he's not going to do it if you ask him to.

And if he does, then you'll know he's only doing it because you asked him to, and not because he wanted to himself.

Move on, I'd say.

GritBiscuit · 08-06-2017 02:17PM

If you have to ask whether someone wants to be your friend - you already have your answer.

Sounds like he was responding so as not to be a dick if you said you were concerned but he's shown in multiple ways that he's not interested - in a relationship or being a friend...

You are blaming yourself for the break-up and while you may well have been over-enthusiastic, it sounded pretty one-sided from the off. I'd chalk the whole thing up to experience and move on.

Best of luck

Idle Passerby · 08-06-2017 03:29PM

There is no best way to ask if someone who dumped you will be your friend. If he wanted to be he would be.

It sounds like he didn't like you contacting him regularly. Are you hoping that by labeling yourself a "friend" he will be ok with daily texts? It's not likely in my opinion. Best to leave it alone. It doesn't sound like he's interested in maintaining contact.

jca · 08-06-2017 03:32PM

You left out the "with benefits" bit from the title. I don't think he's interested, getting dumped would be the giveaway..

LegacyUser · 08-06-2017 04:52PM

Idle Passerby wrote: »

There is no best way to ask if someone who dumped you will be your friend. If he wanted to be he would be.

It sounds like he didn't like you contacting him regularly. Are you hoping that by labeling yourself a "friend" he will be ok with daily texts? It's not likely in my opinion. Best to leave it alone. It doesn't sound like he's interested in maintaining contact.

No It wasn't just all one sided, at the start he was the one who would have been texting me daily and I suppose I got used to it so when he stopped then I suppose I started to panic but I also knew deep down inside that that by me contacting him too much when he was doing it less would lead to me getting dumped but I couldn't help it. he also spoke what we will do when I visit next. I have learned from this experience, never chase a man.

By me asking him to be friends is not about going back to the way it was, I would never go back to contacting him daily because I genuinely don't want to and my feelings are not as intense as they were for him now anymore because I know where I stand plus he really hurt me. I suppose it's just the thought of never hearing from him again has me wanting to ask him this question.

miamee · 08-06-2017 05:16PM

He has hurt you and instead of breaking up with you initially he just contacted you less and less and probaby hoped things would peter out and he wouldn't have to 'break up', it'd happen naturally. I know you still care for him but he's made it clear he is not interested in remaining in contact. Although it may seem painful now, getting used to not hearing from him or contacting him sooner rather than later is the best way forward.

Dial Hard · 08-06-2017 05:35PM

If he wanted to stay friends he would have suggested it. Move on with the rest of your dignity intact.

Merkin · 08-06-2017 05:57PM

Why do you want to be friends with him? Surely you have other friends? Because if you're completely honest with yourself, the only reason for doing so is in the hope of rekindling a relationship. Don't be dishonest with yourself or him. He deemed you not special enough to be with you so why give him the benefit of your company? Just put on your big girl pants, delete all his contact details and leave it as it is, you'll get over him far sooner by doing so.

Wibbs · 08-06-2017 06:53PM

In my experience there are three types of people who ask "can we remain friends?":

Those who hold out hope for a future reconciliation. Usually a very bad plan. Even if there is one, unless the primary reason(s) for splitting are gone, the relationship won't last. If they left you for another? Never look back and certainly never get back. There's often a side order of fear of being alone involved.

Those that want to assuage their guilt at doing the dumping, with a side order of keeping the ex as a safety net should single life, or the next partner doesn't work out.

Those that have been together for either a very short time so feelings didn't get beyond the initial or those together for a very long time where they've essentially been friends for the latter end of the relationship, so it's no issue(when mutual). These would be the rarest of the three IMH and IME.

In short; you can't ask for a friendship, it must be mutually given.

LegacyUser · 08-06-2017 08:40PM

I don't have an ulterior motive when I'm asking him to stay friends i.e., that it will lead to getting back with him because honestly I would never trust him to not dump me again andI just think it's sad that it has to fade to nothing. I can't explain it really. There's just something in the back of my head that I keep thinking is there a chance of friendship. I have formed friendships with people I have had relationships in the past. I'm very good friends with my ex and another guy I dated for a few weeks dropped the not looking for a relationship line, I was upset with him initially as he really led me on and would treat me like a girlfriend when we were out but I put my foot down and told him if I wasn't going to play being his girlfriend on nights out if he wouldn't commit to a relationship and ever since then we've had a platonic relationship and hang out and honestly I don't even know why I was ever romantically involved with him in the first place. It's just his personality is so infectious. I think I've jumped into being romantically involved with people when all along I should have kept it platonic and maybe I should have done the same with this guy but this guy has shown himself to be very uncaring though.

Wibbs · 08-06-2017 10:57PM

advice 1 wrote: »

maybe I should have done the same with this guy but this guy has shown himself to be very uncaring though.

That's all you need to consider.

LegacyUser · 09-06-2017 09:23AM

Thanks for everyone's advice here and I have decided to let this one go because I don't think it would ever turn into a genuine friendship and probably very much one sided on my part and would potentially turn into a friends with benefits situation and I'm worth more than that. I also see that he has a very uncaring side to him and really don't care to be around that. It his loss as I really cared about him and he was so cruel in the end.

I'm now just going to work on myself and stay away from guys. I think I've been suffering from Low self esteem and the last couple of guys have all used that to their advantage. with the next guy I will take things very slow. I was also thinking how I am friends with a guy I dated for a bit and I actually feel like I really let my self down by being romantically involved with him first as I have recently seen some qualities that I don't particularly like in him and can see myself now distancing myself from him anyway thanks everyone.

professore · 10-06-2017 03:29PM

TBH I'm not sure if he was cold from the OPs account, he probably felt he had to be blunt for you to get the message. I think he might view you as a little bit stalkerish. If I was him the last thing in the world I would want is to be friends with an ex who still had a thing for me. Never works.

Find a guy you can be in a more equal relationship with. Try getting to know a guy properly first before dating him.

jimd2 · 10-06-2017 03:49PM

advice 1 wrote: »

<Snip>but sent him a quick text a few days ago asking if he was ok because of the terrorist attack in London and he messaged back saying he was fine.

Sorry for being abrupt but this bit made me cringe a bit.

Unless you knew he lived or worked or socialised very near London Bridge then, to me , it was just an attempt on your part to drum up a conversation again.

He has been clear that he doesnt want a relationship with you.

He probably was put off by your multiple messages and would not take kindly to you texting with "How are you?" messages every so often and sees no reason to keep contact.

All you can say is something like "I enjoyed our time together and would welcome an odd meet up on a platonic basis and not lose contact altogether". But be prepared for this not to be something that he wants. He may just want a clean break.

edit: I just saw your latest post there now, best of luck. dont completely dismiss meeting up with guys but maybe don's message as much as you did. however, another relationship could have a different dynamic so you can never say never.

Best way to ask a guy who's dumped you if ye can stay in contact as friends?

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