Anyone's parents live with them?

judeboy101 · 05-06-2017 01:06PM

Let them move in on condition they sign over their house to you before the move. Let siblings know that this is the deal and if not happy, they are happy to take them.

LegacyUser · 05-06-2017 01:26PM

My Grandad passed away four year ago and my Gran and my mums siblings decided it was best she move in with my mum as she is a widow and myself and my siblings no longer live at home. My mum was not happy about this at all but felt under a lot of pressure to agree. It lasted two months before she nearly went nuts. It's very difficult to move back in with your parents no matter what age you are. My mum found her whole life was now dictated by her mum. Gran would have dinner ready when my mum got in from work even though my mum didn't usually have a big meal at that hour, it was how my Gran wanted to do things. My mum found she couldn't go out late at nights to see her friends, she couldn't make plans without having to consider my gran. And before someone says anything no it wasn't possible to say anything to her, she's a 93 year old woman whose very set in her ways. And my gran wasn't happy either. She lost a lot of freedom and it was hard for her to accept that so she made the choice to move back to her old house (just in time too as I'm not sure how much longer my mum would have lasted) and my mum and her siblings had a frank open talk about them all spending time with her rather than dumping everything on one person.

Think long term OP what happens when your parents health starts to fail and they need more care. It will be easy for your siblings to put all that work on you if they are already living with you. Yes they are your parents but it shouldn't be just your responsibility to look after them. Looking at a small house near you sounds like a good compromise where they are near enough but still have their freedom (and you yours)

Paddy Cow · 05-06-2017 03:04PM

Op think carefully before deciding to build a granny flat. My landlord's mother in law moved in with him and his wife while they built a flat for her. Once it was finished she refused to move into it :rolleyes: They were left with her living with them and a flat they didn't need. I suppose it worked out well for me though because it's a really nice flat

pea be · 05-06-2017 05:25PM

Mother in law living here. Dont listen to other people .... you need to do what will work for you.
60 is very young .... i couldnt have put up with MIL at that age as she had no acceptance of us as a seperate family unit ... she was always calling in (2 or 3 times a dsy) and phoning (another 3 to 8 times a day ..... the children jokingly called the telephone the 'grannyphone'.

Fast forward 25 years and her health has deteriorated and also has early dimentia. She is too fit for a care home, but not cspable of looking after herself (bad eyesight, hearing, only mobile on a frame and gets confused/worried). My wife and her sister were taking turns staying with her at night because of falls, and also now catheterized..., but it was hard going. Carers came in to get her up and get lunch,then my wife or SIL would get dinner and be there during the night. One son called one wekend a month, and other son usually one eveming a week. However SIL would not call to start making dinner untiil maybe after 8pm (lunch call for carers would be 12 or 1pm so ot was a long time for her to be alone and sometime confused).

So we decided to try taking MIL. Dont be under any illusion, it was bloody hard to get used to. Some things worked like her having own room (sitting room )and toilet downstairs so at least upstairs is still our private family space. Its tough with carers, her visitors and family calling. Its difficult to get ' space', especially as we have 4 children back in the house every weekend..... so 7 people over the age of 15.
Wife's siblings have been varying in help ...SIL has dropped to one night per week and maybe sometime over the weekend and one BIL calls maybe once per week (can never commit and has also gone months without calling). Other BIL takes MIL one weekend in the month from bed time fri to Sunday afternoon..... and this is now our only time we have our home back..... as when the others call, its is just another caller in the house, in and out of the kitchen.

So i found it very tough, but getting a bit more used to it not being like the home i loved and relaxed in. The children got used to it much quicker, and of course it has been good fory wife as all the caring is at home, not having to call with MIL every day and stay a few nights per week.

MiIL has also flourished and is much better ... just turned 90 and in generally good form and reasonable health. It is actually good to see her doing so well.

So, no answers for you... but you need your own space and privacy- whatever that might like for you .... before you consider just blindly moving someone in, and becoming the de facto carer.

the_pen_turner · 05-06-2017 11:04PM

I have a neighbour near me in a similar situation.
they built a house on a small farm(maybe 10 acres). lovely set up. parents of one side were aa few miles away . far enough to keep them at arms length but close enough to have a good relationship.
parents had a bit house they couldn't afford to heat or maintain so they(parents) decided they would build a smaller house on the daughter and husbands land . both sides were happy with this because the house was going to become the daughters eventually and then to the grandkids when they needed it.

when they were building the house the parent sold up and lived with the daughters family. everything was great most of the time . the problems started when the parent moved in to the house that was about 75 yards away. they had a path worn visiting everyday. they showed no understanding of boundaries or privacy. calling up for tea or dinner whenever they were bored, deciding to pop up to help with washing ect or putting the kids to bed.

now they cant get rid of them , they call soo often that other neighbours and old friends call to the daughters house to visit the parents.
total head wrecker. they mean well but it is seriously hurting the marriage. they have no privacy, they cant watch a movie of an evening or stay in bed in the morning , . they have tod me its like being in prison.

be careful op

An Bhanríon · 06-06-2017 06:35AM

Don't have parents living with me but have been through making that decision and decided I couldn't live with my mother. Our relationship is just too fractious. Many times I have thought about it as moving into her house would be perfect for me due to its location and size. But i reckon the stress it would cause would not be worth it. We are currently trying to get our heads around the fair deal, etc., while our mother has carers coming into her.

Don't let anybody call you selfish for not wanting to take on that responsibility. In as ideal world we all would. But if it would most probably would lead to severe stress and maybe even divorce (as it would in my case) is that worth it?

Would it be possible for you to call a family meeting of your siblings? Even on Skype? Again, this is thinking of an ideal world but I think they should be part of the decision making. Even if it is to agree that you will make the decisions. Then they can't come back and give out about your decisions.

Best of luck with whatever you do. It's not an easy one. Do what's best for you. And do the best you can for your parents. But your family unit has to come first. (And, no, the fact that you don't have children shouldn't make you any more responsible for your parents' care. Every sibling, no matter what their situation should take equal responsibility.)

Skibunny77 · 06-06-2017 07:19AM

Op re your request for independent advice, Sage advocacy have a helpline and website with lots of information. They are an independent advocacy and support service for older people - and give free advice.

LegacyUser · 06-06-2017 12:49PM

Skibunny77 wrote: »

Op re your request for independent advice, Sage advocacy have a helpline and website with lots of information. They are an independent advocacy and support service for older people - and give free advice.

Thanks for the above.
I wasn't familiar with the organisation.
I will pass it on.

1 parent healthy, the other with a debilitating condition that is fine now but will require assistance in the future.

I appreciate reading about all the experiences above. It has definitely lessened my guilt.
I am glad I asked now.

I'm going to stick to my guns regarding not having them move into our place.
Hopefully there'll be something suitable when the time comes.
A lot to be done first anyways to get house ready for sale.
Discussion yet to be had.

LegacyUser · 06-06-2017 05:30PM

I can understand why you don't want your parents living with you.

Your mother is not easy to get on with. I know people like your mother and being honest getting older and having bad health can make them worse.
Doing the granny flat does not only effect you but your oh also. You have to consider yourself and your realtionship. I know you don't have children now but this may change in the future. From what you have told us you and your oh worked hard for a few years, bought your house and your enjoying you life as you should be in your 30's.
Also what happens if you or your oh get a great job offer and have to move? None of us know what can happen over the space of a few years.

Your parents are only in their mid 60's so they could stay alive for a long number of years even with medical conditions. I know several people who ended up minding elderly parents with different health issues and it is not easy even if a few family members help out.

At this stage I would get all your siblings together and bring your other half with you. I would tell them that you have decided that you don't want to build a granny flat in your garden. Tell them you parents need to look at a small suitable house in the local area and tell them about the ones near the nursing home that they can rent.

Your siblings might not be to happy to hear this but long term your not the only person responsible for looking after your parents if they need care. Your just in your mid 30's so why should you have your parents move into your house or into a granny flat in your garden?
You have to stand up for yourself now otherwise long term you could be left with your parents living in your garden and you doing everything for them.

chuckles30 · 07-06-2017 12:37PM

I dread the day that I find myself in this situation & I will be the primary carer as my brother lives abroad and like you, we'd be known to have our arguments.
I had my mother live with me for about 6 weeks previously when she broke her ankle and was on crutches. We survived, but at least I knew there was an end in sight. It was like being a child all over again....where are you going? What are you doing? What time will you be home? I had no freedom to decide to do something on the fly - everything had to be planned. Dinners were dictated by what she eats.
Then there was the great tv debate - she says 'watch whatever you normally watch', but as soon as something goes on that she doesn't like, she'd start moving around and pottering about.
Not sure how it will work out long term.....but I think for me to survive long term with my mother, there would definitely need to be some separation of space - at the very least a separate sitting room.
However, I don't think this is a new problem. My grandmother lived with us (well my mother moved in with my father & his mother when they got married) when I was young, but from what I hear, I don't think it would have been my mother's choice. Certainly doesn't sound like the way I'd like to start married life - pretty much everything was done granny's way!!

Stan27 · 09-06-2017 08:04PM

My granny got sick and has lived with us for several years at this stage. Minding sick elderly can be extreamly stressful. People need to realise this before any major decision is made.

Anyone's parents live with them?

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