Anyone's parents live with them?

LegacyUser

I'm one of four siblings with elderly parents.
We're dotted all around the country and in long term relationships.
I'm the only one who doesn't have children and I currently live closest to our parents.
I see them daily as they live very close to my work.

My parents house requires huge renovations to be suitable for them in their current conditions.
They can't afford this really, and their house requires maintenance that they're not able for anyways so they're considering selling.

They've proffered the idea of moving in with me.
I have a spacious home, but I don't want to share it with them.
I shot that idea down immediately.

A compromise would be to build a granny flat.
My siblings are in favour of this idea.

But I still despair at the thought of losing my privacy.
I'd much prefer for them to buy a small house nearby.
I'd still visit every day, but I don't want them knowing what time I get up at the weekends, or every visitor to the house.
And how can I live in a spacious house with spare bedrooms while they live in a relatively small space in my garden?
My mother and I cross each other often.
We use the garden a lot as a social space, we'd lose that.
And then what happens when one of us dies, whoever goes first?

Am I an awful person?
My siblings wouldn't do it themselves, but are putting me under huge pressure.
I'm really annoyed with them. They rarely make their flying visits and know it's not an issue that will directly affect them because of their locations.

My OH is supportive of me, whatever happens.
I don't want to let my parents down, but i think whatever happens, I'm going to be put out.

Has anyone had their parents move in with them, or into a granny flat?
Has it worked out?

Wesser

No I have never been in this situation but you are right and you should stick to your guns .

Can you explain all if the above nicely to your siblings?

Brussels Sprout

Don't do this if you don't want to. It sounds like the only reason you would do it is through sheer guilt. If you did do it for that reason you'd more than likely get no thanks for it and then you'd be full of resentment afterwards. it's best to stick to your guns. Your siblings stance on this issue is entirely negated by the fact that they're encouraging you to do something that they don't have to do themselves. It's easy to be righteous when someone else has to do the heavy lifting.

Another day

Just say no. If they, your siblings, are that eager one of them can do it.

dixiefly

Would you not look into getting grants for house adaptation to meet their needs first? I think that it's the local council that pays the grants.

FixitFelix

The fact your parents house is in need of major renovations which they cannot do and you have spare room which you are unwilling to give them is a disgrace, all because you don't want them knowing what time you get up at the weekends? (How old are you?)
If this thread isn't trolling I'm shocked, and the fact you have to think twice, Jesus

I know my post seems harsh but they're your parents

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

They're in a very big house with grounds that they just don't have the energy or funds to manage anymore.
It requires more time than just adaptions.

I wouldn't mind them living in a granny flat if I thought it wouldn't interfere too much with the way we live now.
Obviously it is going to make a difference.
I do want to do the best I can for them.
If there's ever an issue at home, I do stay with them.
Money is an issue too.
I can't afford to complete any work unfortunately. They can't either until they sell their house.
A granny flat should be a lot cheaper than them having to buy a house.

A granny flat would be completely independent of my house. We'd just be like very close neighbours?

Can anyone share positive experiences of having their parents move in with them?

shamrock55

You sound like a lovely person,its so obvious your not a parent yourself,im glad your not my child anyway

listermint

Have to agree with post above. How many years have the left in this world ? Probably not more than ten you mentioned their condition. There's alot more to life than going out on the weekend.

I'm sure if your parents thought about it the same way then you wouldnt exist.

groovyg

No you are not an awful person for wanting your own privacy. It's one thing visiting your parents it another thing having them live with you.
Your siblings have some nerve to be laying the guilt trip on you. Since they don't visit often why don't they cough up the money to renovate your parents house or let your parents sell their house and buy a smaller one. You need to be very firm with everybody involved.

LegacyUser

I do feel bad about not wanting them to move in with me.
But if they did, it's the end of my life as I know it.
They could live another 30 years.
They could outlive me.
I'm in my mid 30s.

I do want to help them, I really do.
But there has to be a compromise that suits us both?

LegacyUser

Fix it Felix and those that thanked your post, do your parents live with you?

Teyla Emmagan

Having your folks buy a small house nearby sounds like the best option. They may need more care in a few years but it doesn't sound like that time is now. Is there anywhere even a few minutes walk away?

Your siblings have some neck by the way. They clearly aren't willing to have your parents living with them so they have no right to force you into it.

amtc

I get your issue. Doesn't apply to me, but I was talking about this in work recently and nearly all agreed it only worked in a separate structure or where there was need for childcare from grandparents. I also have another query? I think you intimated that your mother and yourself might argue? This certainly happened with two people I know whose parents were so terrified of invading their children's space that they felt also imprisoned and had no independence.

Duvetdays

People are being unduly harsh here. Why should her 3 siblings dictate what happens to the parents when they barely even bother to visit. Don't let not having children have anything to do with this as it doesn't. The easiest solution would be for them to downsize to a house near you where you could keep an eye on them and organise home help if needed. They might be able bodied now but how will they be in 5 years time.

I've seen something similar with my own grandmother. My own mother and aunt were the main two who looked after her with doctors visits, shopping,cleaning etc. The other 4 siblings barely did anything. When old age and dementia really took hold she needed caring for 24/7 nobody wanted her to go into a home but it was left to the two of them to effectively give up their lives and alternate nights sleeping in the house caring for her. They where lucky that they didn't work so they had the time but the effects of looking after a 90 year old baby with nappies really took a toll on them.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies.
I can't quote because of anonymous posting.

• I also have another query? I think you intimated that your mother and yourself might argue? This certainly happened with two people I know whose parents were so terrified of invading their children's space that they felt also imprisoned and had no independence.

I think a granny flat would protect all of our independence, as much as possible.
We'd both have separate access and utilities.
They'd be close to shops with me, walkable distance, so I actually think they'd be better off, as currently they're often dependent on me for messages/prescriptions.
Also, it might help their social lives to live in an urban area.

My mother is quite an antagonist person. She rubs everyone up the wrong way. My sister in law refuses to visit. My siblings and nieces and nephews do visit, but never stay long. My father is a saint.

• Having your folks buy a small house nearby sounds like the best option. They may need more care in a few years but it doesn't sound like that time is now. Is there anywhere even a few minutes walk away

Thanks. There are currently suitable properties nearby, but again, money is an issue.
They can't buy until they sell, and so would end up living with me while they wait to purchase.
What if everyone gets to comfortable with it?
Same while granny flat being built. I'm not going to be able avoid it altogether.

There are ideal units available nearby adjoining a nursing home. I think this would be perfect, but they won't consider it at all.
They're both in their mid sixties, but seem a lot older. They have conditions, one is serious, the other just requires medication.

I'm actually not sorry if this makes me sound like a bitch, but I love my life now. It's taken me a long time to earn it.
It's not extravagant. I haven't been on holidays for years. I just love my home, and love sharing it with my OH and the set up we have here. I love having guests and entertaining. Love when friends kids enjoy our garden. Love having breakfast and reading the paper outside on a Sunday morning. Love a lie in on a Saturday.
I know I'd have no peace with them next door.
I don't want to change my life by choice.

• Why should her 3 siblings dictate what happens to the parents when they barely even bother to visit.

In fairness, they're not dictating anything. But I do resent their ability to renege on any responsibilities they should have to our parents and leave it all to me.

It might not read like it, but I do love and look after both my parents.
They're already very dependent on me.
I think I've created this situation myself really.
These thoughts are all consuming at the moment. I don't see how the situation will be resolved to everyone's satisfaction.

Duvetdays

If they're only mid 60's and they're already this dependent on you think how bad it'll be in 10 or 15 years time. I know plenty of people that age that go hill walking, extended holidays etc. The units attached to a nursing home sound like a good idea if they are independent units but they shot that down. I look at the compromise and I'd be pushing for them to downsize near you and still keep your independence from them. As cruel as it sounds it's your life and you only get one shot at it. Mid 30's is two young to put your life on hold until you're potentially in your 60's.

Fakediamond

I don't think you're selfish at all, you're just being realistic.

Could the estate agent selling their house not tie it in to buying the next house? Lots of people end up in a chain when buying and selling houses. It's possible to make a smooth transition from old house to new house, without the need to move in with you. I would try and avoid having them move in bag and baggage, as they might not want to move out again.

It's all very well for people to criticise, but it's not easy to have a job and take responsibility for aging parents.

Tigger99

Everybody is this situation is being selfish. But honestly I think you are being least selfish of them all. Your parents cant manage by themselves and they refuse to consider the nursing home units near them. Your siblings don't want to be near what sounds like a very difficult person or involved in dealing with this and are leaving the stress for you.

Even before they live with you, the building of a granny flat that meets their needs could be very stressful. And what if your mother doesn't like it and wants to stay living in your house, if she had moved there short term awaiting the build.

There are a number of options. Them moving in with you isn't going to work from the reasons you've outlined above.

I think you need to arrange a meeting with your siblings, either by phone or in person. And ask them what their ideas are, considering they don't want your parents living with them. When they suggest your place, be firm and say that's not an option.

I suspect they'll be keen to persuade your parents to move into those units if they think they might have to step up to the plate.

LegacyUser

The more I think about the retirement village, the more I think it's the best option for everyone, but I can't force it on my parents.
However, the houses there can be rented. Maybe they could stay there 'til they find something more suitable for them. A trial period.

Moving to any of my siblings houses is not a option. My parents will not leave the area.

Maybe we are all a bit spoilt by choice.
A serious discussion needs to be had by all.

Has anyone been in my situation?
How was it resolved?
How does anyone find actually having their parents live with them?

Skibunny77

Op, don't listen for one moment to anyone calling you selfish. You are already providing a lot of support to your parents. I work in health and regularly see how stressful adult family members living close to one another can be. I would be V interested to see how many of the people calling you selfish live with their parents! I suggest your parents live with you for an agreed amount of time while they sell up and move into a new smaller property. Be frank and clear with them 'I love you both dearly, I will always be here to support you but my OH and family and I need our own space'. Hold that line. Your parents will be able to have their independence and your support, nothing selfish about that at all.

Mooooo

Don't know you or your family so won't comment on what you should do but what my father and his siblings did was that my grandmother stayed with each of them for various lengths of time,

Ghekko

You are definitely not selfish. If you thought for one second that living with them could work then it might be worth giving it a try. However, the fact you know deep down it won't work is the only reason you need to avoid it. You would end up resenting them and of course your siblings too. How often would they bother to visit knowing you were looking after them?? Down the road when your parents may need more care you will inevitably be the one expected to do it, again causing resentment between your siblings. I think talking to an estate agent is the first thing you should do and see how selling/buying as seamlessly as possible can be done. If you do build on to your property with their house sale proceeds, will this cause issue when they pass on and your siblings may consider the granny flat as part of your inheritance? There's a lot to think about. Do not be railroaded into doing something you are not 100% on board with.

Neyite

Mod:

If you are not going to be civil, offer helpful and constructive advice, then refrain from posting. Posting abuse or slagging off any other poster will result in cards or bans being handed out.

Hellywelly

My mum lives with me. Its recent enough - in the last few months. She's older than your parents & wasn't coping at all well on her own. She called in one day and is still here . 😣.
Its difficult. I'm a lone parent with a 12 year old and work fulltime. Now I have her to care for too.
Shes not ill enough for a nursing home yet.
My siblings were full of promises to visit/ help etc..etc. That hasn't happened.
If you can organise help so you get time on your own and with your partner it can be okay. But without that - I'll be honest - it's bloody hard!
Best of luck with whatever you decide.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your honesty.
You're doing your best for your mother. I can't see you regretting that.

It will be either a new house or granny flat.
They're definitely not moving in with me.
So we won't be on top of each other.
And we have time to plan.
And I won't be a carer. Not in the near future anyways hopefully.
I already know we can't depend on my siblings.
One of my parents family is very good for visiting, the other isn't.

I've picked out plans for a granny flat. Searched here for prices.
But I'd still prefer if they had their own place.

Someone mentioned inheritance. All my parents have is their home.
I don't think it'd be a good idea for them to lose the value of having their own asset.
My OH thinks my siblings want them to release equity and so maybe they'll get a bit of a lump sum sooner rather than later. Which I also think is foolish.
Who knows what the future holds for any of us.
And then if nursing home fees are ever an issue, I don't know how that works with the fair deal scheme.

Does anyone know if there's somewhere they can get independent advice on that kind of thing? A solicitor or accountant maybe?

I've written down my reasons and thoughts, so that when we discuss it, emotion won't get in the way of what I want to say.

Thanks again.

Ursus Horribilis

I think a solicitor's your best bet here. A good accountant could help too but a solicitor's the first place I'd be heading if I was in your shoes. For what it's worth, I don't think you're being selfish either. It's a big enough deal to take one parent into your home without having both. Because you're the one who's living closest to your parents, you're the one who's entitled to call the shots. As you've already said, there is no way to resolve this and keep everyone happy. So look after yourself, your relationship and don't do anything you'll look back on and regret. That's the best you can do.

The_Conductor

First off- your parents are in their 60s- thats not old, really it isn't- its entirely possible that they may be around in 30 years time- or longer- or alternatively, they may pass before then- but its quite impossible to tell.

You have a partner yourself- what is their view of all of this. How would you feel if he/she had commensurate pressure put on them to provide long term accommodation to their parents? Are they a co-owner of your property (if you've been cohabiting- they very probably are- whether you realise it or not- which means they legally have a say in all of this too).

Its plausible that you might end up as some sort of an unpaid nurse/companion/gopher/driver/manager- at their beck and call (regardless of whether you work or not). Its also entirely possible- you may end up busier at home- than in your formal work.

The Fair Deal Scheme- assesses a person's means- to include the family home- and levies a straight 22.5% (I think thats the percentage) on the value of the property- i.e. the property would have to be sold ultimately, and 22.5% would be due to the HSE. In between now and then- other costs would continue to accrue and indeed mount (medical expenses for a 60-70 year old are high and increase exponentially, as people age).

Wholly aside from the fact that no matter what you do- the family home will have to be sold to release funds- have you looked into the likes of assisted living arrangements. I know we don't have many such developments around the country thus far- however, its an excellent idea- and hopefully will take off over the foreseeable. Enabling them to living their own lives as they wish- without intruding on either you- or you intruding on them- might be something you might investigate.

You've enabled your siblings to view you as the carer for your parents- this is another (related issue). How can you hit this on the head right here right now?

Its all well and good saying- oh build a granny flat and we'll come up and take it in turns to look after Mom and Dad if/when they want us to- its not going to happen- its going to fall to you- if you go down this road.

Caring responsibilities- are a hell of a lot more than going for a walk down to the shops with Mom to help her with her shopping once a week- and anyone who suggests this is the extent- obviously has been in the lucky situation that they have never had caring responsibilities entrusted on them.

Your siblings are not engaging in this at the moment- your OH's idea that they expect to get a lumpsum out of the sale of the family home and are happy to sit in the background and issue random comments in support of getting your parents out of the property- would seem to support this.

You need to get good and proper advice- legal and otherwise- however, so too do your parents. It would be incredibly foolhardy to sell the family home and fritter away the proceeds to your siblings- when its entirely foreseeable that even if they managed to live in their own accommodation- overnight nurses etc- could very well be needed in future (even with HSE assistance- its very easy to spend a few grand a month).

You and your OH have to have an honest conversation about this- you also need to sit down with your Dad and discuss this with him (don't even talk to your Mum- its not going to go well)- and you all need to get separate advice on what is best for all of you- and how to achieve it. Your siblings can do whatever the hell they want- its just a continuation of what they're doing at the moment anyway.

I'd just emphasise again- your parents need proper financial advice- cognisant of their future needs- and this should be independent of considerations for anyone else- it is *not* the case that they can sell the family home- divvie up the proceeds among your siblings- and leave you, the muggins, to carry the can when in 10 years time they need a live-in nurse and other assistance- and have no funds to pay for it..............

You've been remarkably restrained towards your siblings thus far- however, the need to come up with a solution of some type or another- is only going to get stronger and stronger.

Someone in their 60s isn't old- but they are going to need more and more help, assistance and care- increasingly of a professional nature, as they become more and more elderly. Keep this in mind if you're planning on building a granny flat and looking after them- your siblings don't sound like they're going to carry of the weight of this.

I fully accept you want whats best for your parents- however, you need to assess what is in their best interests- and whats in your best interests- and of course you have an OH too- this isn't just you- you're signing them up to all of this as well............

jopax

FixitFelix wrote: »

The fact your parents house is in need of major renovations which they cannot do and you have spare room which you are unwilling to give them is a disgrace, all because you don't want them knowing what time you get up at the weekends? (How old are you?)
If this thread isn't trolling I'm shocked, and the fact you have to think twice, Jesus

I know my post seems harsh but they're your parents

I totally disagree, it's not disgraceful at all. The op is entitled to their own life.
He's not abandoning them at all. I think the ops idea of them getting a smaller house nearby is a perfect solution.
It's easy to say move in, but it's not that simple,, what if one of their health declined while there. Would he be expected to become a carer then.
I think op you sound very sensible & you for care very much for your parents or you wouldn't even be talking about this.
As for your siblings, they don't have your best interests​ at heart. They are thinking about how great it would be not to have to worry or feel guilty of your parents are in need.
Please don't feel bad, you are entitled to live with or without who you want.
Why can't the parents move to some of the other childrens houses.
I'm assuming they are not employed so there is no reason why they can't relocate.
Stand your ground, it's your life op.

Village Crazy Lady

I have done it, moved in with my mum 10 years ago due to her being dementia, looked after her for 4 years then all good for 4 years, then her sister, my aunt, diagnosed with dementia 2 years ago.
When i moved in with my mum, it probably was done for all the right reasons but turned out to be a mistake, my mum treated me like i was 18 again, very set in her ways and she was stubborn without the dementia, nevermind while in the mid stages of it. I did that for 4 years and it was hard as only one of my siblings was living nearby, she went into a nursing home 6 years ago, and is still there, she is at the last stage now, not speaking, walking etc, and does not know who i am.
fastforward to today, i am 2 years into looking after my aunt, this time i moved her into a granny flat attached to the back of the house. Much better idea, as my aunt, who never married etc, was very much a independant lady, and did not want to be around my children all the time, she wan't her own space and peace. Anyway its getting harder as her short term memory is getting worse. Its very hard and will get worse, but i know what im in for as ive been here before, but will admit easier in terms of privacy and independance. Oh and none of my siblings are around this time as they are all living abroad.
I suppose what im saying is that no one can tell you what to do, and i dont believe for one minute you are being selfish, no one can say this unless they have been there. Its all well and good saying its not forever, yes i know that but you are effectively putting your life on hold, and thats not what life is about. My mum was a very wise lady and i still miss her words of wisdom but i know if she could tell me now, she would tell me not to put my life on hold, for her or anyone else for that matter. life is short, this is not a dress rehearsel do whatever makes you happy, was her favourite. I choose to look after them, it was not expected of me and shouldn't be expected of you.

Oh and the biggest one of all, they need to maintain their independance, because if you don't you will find one day doing everything and wonder how you got to that point, unab le to reverse that dependance on you. i did it with my mum, but didn't this time with my aunt, and she seems to be more content than my mum was.

Spanish Eyes

Can I ask why your parents have suggested moving in with you? Are they ill, in need of care or suffering from dementia? Are they independent now?

I am asking because from your post it seems that the only reason they need to move is because their current property is becoming too much for them and needs a lot of upgrading and constant maintenance.

If they are in reasonably good health and are independent I think it is THEY would regret losing that independence TBH. I don't think they have thought it through.

If I were in their position I would hate to move in with anybody (and would hate anyone moving in with me too!). I would sell the house and source another one, or rent nearby in the meantime.

A smaller house with easier access, a downstairs wetroom etc. will future proof it for the time when they need it. That to me is the best solution all round. I would not even consider a granny flat if they are ok and independent. Why would you?

I think you just might be jumping the gun a bit here. Encourage them to sell the property and buy a more suitable home nearby. You did say there were suitable smaller properties available.

Research the Fair Deal and other caring issues when the time comes. What everyone needs is their independence now.

Personally I wouldn't do the "taking them in" ever. Why should the burden fall to you and not the entire family? Are you being guilt tripped into this?

Best of luck, think it through again, and maybe let the granny flat be the absolutely last option. But it won't be, there are solutions other than this that will be good for all concerned.