How to deal with an enabler

....... · 02-06-2017 01:00PM

This post has been deleted.

Big Bag of Chips · 02-06-2017 01:17PM

Mod Note:

pilly and ......., please stick to offering advice to the OP rather than getting into an over and back between yourselves. The beauty of seeking advice online is that people get to hear varying advice and opinion. Some of it may not be what an OP came to hear, some of it may seem harsh, but much of it can be valid and we hope make an OP consider their options.

I would ask all posters to keep in mind "constructive, civil advice" at all times when posting in this forum.

Also, there is no need to quote the preceding post in it's entirety when replying. It just clogs up a thread with duplicate text.

LirW · 02-06-2017 03:02PM

OP, this is a very delicate situation and I can kind of understand where you're coming from.
Frankly, you're very worked up and in my opinion the best thing to do is to walk away - at least for a while. I think what really pains you is to see your mother like this, but it is not up to you to change her. This is her own choice and if this hurts you so much, cut contact to a minimum or cut it off completely.
You're so full of unhappiness, you need to focus on yourself really. Do whatever it takes to free yourself from this situation, get counselling for your own sake and maybe go on a holiday. Walk away from this heartbreaking situation, because it pains you. Don't begrudge her please, she's her own person and made a decision. Again, I can't imagine how it pains you to see a loved one being used like this, but this is such a delicate topic with a horrible addiction involved.

My only cousin is 24 and he got on with the wrong people at the age of 13. We spent a lovely childhood together but he got really bad, addiction involved, his mother simply doesn't care and enables him completely. A war started over this boy and since he was so impossible to reach I cut ties with my aunt and him because it would destroy me seeing him just wasting his most wonderful years. I can't change him, we all tried, we all backed him up and it caused nothing but misery, his mother got so defensive over him because nobody says a bad word about her darling son. I decided to walk away and haven't heard from him in a few years, neither haven't had any contact to my aunt. The only thing I know is that he somehow finished his apprenticeship, was let go right afterwards and decided to be unemployed, still living at home and taking drugs.
I really feel for you and I had to take myself out of it.

Nyssa · 02-06-2017 05:56PM

sup_dude wrote: »

OP, have you yourself gone for help? You seem to harbour an unhealthy amount of hatred for your nephew. I think it would do you a lot of good.

Attempted to set fire to my vehicle, broke into my property and trashed the place, assault, threats to kill and more significant property damage. AT my mother's pleading I didn't press charges. I regret that and wish I had done. A spell in prison might have taught hum a lesson, or he might have committed suicide, a win either way. He is scum, Simple as that. He had more than most, and took a conscious decision to throw it all away. I feel no connection with him.

Ben Gadot · 02-06-2017 06:08PM

I'm not being funny OP but do you not think that is enabling in itself? You absolutely had the right to press charges and while your mother may have been devastated at the time, she whould have seen sense. Deep down I'd say she knows it as well.

That's the kind of thing I meant earlier, you had the power to help the gards. You should have for everyone's sake. Maybe you know that and that's why you're so angry at your mother.

Ave Sodalis · 02-06-2017 06:48PM

Nyssa wrote:

Attempted to set fire to my vehicle, broke into my property and trashed the place, assault, threats to kill and more significant property damage. AT my mother's pleading I didn't press charges. I regret that and wish I had done. A spell in prison might have taught hum a lesson, or he might have committed suicide, a win either way. He is scum, Simple as that. He had more than most, and took a conscious decision to throw it all away. I feel no connection with him.

But would you consider help for yourself? Even if it's not AlAnon, just a regular counsellor. Justified or not, that amount of anger and hatred does have an effect and if left undealt with, can cause a lot of physical and mental problems.

Big Bag of Chips · 02-06-2017 07:10PM

Nyssa wrote: »

I feel no connection with him.

But your mother does. As I said before this isn't a simple scenario. It's complicated. It's messy and it affects everyone connected to your nephew, either directly or indirectly. You love your mother and as a result you did what she begged you to do. That's no different to what she does for your nephew.

As has been repeated multiple times now, you can't change anyone else. You can only look after yourself. Which means getting yourself counselling, or going to Al-Anon. There will be people there who are enabling their loved ones, and there will be people who are watching others enable their loved ones.

It won't change your nephew, it won't change your mother unless she goes herself, but it will help you.

Ursus Horribilis · 02-06-2017 07:45PM

So what's your plan regarding your mother?

How to deal with an enabler

Comments