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Relationship advice

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Comments

  • #32
    Confucius
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18 ✭Confucius


    I'm not sharing my bed with him at present I can't not unless I know what's going on


  • #33
    RoisinClare6
    Closed Accounts Posts: 249 ✭✭RoisinClare6


    riemann wrote: »
    You say that with such confidence.. Never think you know everything about someone. We all have our secrets

    agree, I knew my boyfriend 2 years and spoke/texted everyday and never knew until 3 years in that I found out


  • #34
    Confucius
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18 ✭Confucius


    The messages were at different times and tbh even if he was mad than get mad at me but truthfully in an honest open relationship there should be no reason your partner should not be able to look at your messages I mean I offered my phone to him search away . As for content there want much but one of the searches linked to an escort page


  • #35
    Confucius
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18 ✭Confucius


    Drugs is the one thing I am sure about , I know it may sound crazy but nope it's not that


  • #36
    Sunflower 27
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,955 ✭✭✭Sunflower 27


    He's been caught out and is closing ranks, not wanting to land himself in it further.

    Do you want to stay with him now? He may not be willing to confess all he has been up to. More likely he will dripfeed you details if you press him.

    Personally I couldn't be around someone like this. He has lied, been caught out and just wants this to go away. I'd find it near impossible to stay with someone that has so little respect for me.


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  • #37
    TallGlass
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,906 ✭✭✭TallGlass


    Confucius wrote: »
    Drugs is the one thing I am sure about , I know it may sound crazy but nope it's not that

    Well you know the answer to what he has been doing. One of the numbers linked to an Escort page.

    No ifs or buts there, you can either. Talk to him and continue the relationship or walk away.


  • #38
    Sunflower 27
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,955 ✭✭✭Sunflower 27


    He's getting mad at you about the looking at messages to deflect from his dodgy behaviour. You saw something that you thought was suspect and looked. Big deal! He has likely cheated; there is no comparison.


  • #39
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    My feeling is that he has cheated on you. He does not want to talk about it and is hoping you forget this. My advice is to get yourself checked out as you could have an sti and not know this.
    He has some nerve getting mad at you now when you saw an escort site on his phone along with a lot of strange numbers that he was calling and getting calls from.
    Unless he starts talking to you I would tell him it is over.
    You deserve better than this.


  • #40
    tara73
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,369 ✭✭✭tara73


    Confucius wrote: »
    I've googled searched the numbers and rang them as I took them down on my phone

    so who answered? should give clearance or did nobody answer?


  • #41
    leggo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    Right so if you checked the messages and saw an address and him saying he's outside, and one of your searches led to an escort service, then he's almost definitely seen an escort at least once. If he won't tell you or talk about it, that has to be your ongoing assumption. Now you have to ask how you feel about that and, also, how you feel about the fact you've been lied to, blanked completely when you've caught him out in a lie and that your partner has likely paid to sleep with someone else. He's not giving you any explanation or defence so that's what you've got to deal with now, simple as.


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  • #42
    tara73
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,369 ✭✭✭tara73


    leggo wrote: »
    Right so if you checked the messages and saw an address and him saying he's outside, and one of your searches led to an escort service, .

    the escort service thing was an assumption from a poster, not from the OP.

    Sorry OP, you give very patchy information, you phoned the numbers, who answered?
    this is all very weird (including your way of posting here, very hard to get the context when posting numerous posts after each other with mostly just one sentence.)


    anyway, messy situation, obviously he has something to hide, he's avoiding you. I couldn't stand this situation, if I were you, I would give him an ultimatum to talk about it and telling you the truth this evening or tomorrow. If he won't agree to it I would tell him you need to reconsider the relationship.


  • #43
    leggo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    Confucius wrote: »
    As for content there want much but one of the searches linked to an escort page

    I'm basing what I said off this. Am I missing something?


  • #44
    tara73
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,369 ✭✭✭tara73


    sorry, I missed that. as said, very hard to follow the facts with bits and pieces of information in all the posts.


  • #45
    Confucius
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18 ✭Confucius


    I'm new to this so I was posting sentences replying to different messages I didn't mean to make it seem unclear . I rang both numbers I found one answered and was a woman and one didn't , when she answered i froze and hung up , I did text the numbers asking if they knew him he has some distinct features but got no reply it was after that I googled the numbers and yes one links back to an escort service . I agree that I need an answer and if I don't get one well I can't continue as well the trust is gone. All I want is honesty I have supported him emotionally financially etc over the years not to say he hasn't supported me but I will say the majority of burden has been on me which is one of the things we argue about. If I was to discribe my relationship it's in a rut but I would never go outside it looking for something other. We agreed at the start that if eithier wanted to be with someone else we would end things , I'm hurt and confused and mentally drained and I know the truth may hurt but I'd rather know and move on from there


  • #46
    retro:electro
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,039 ✭✭✭✭retro:electro


    Just say to him "right, so I googled one of those numbers I came across and it happened to direct me to an escort service. Is this something you'd like to explain or are you happy to continue ignoring me and having me think the worst of you". You'll know by the response you get.


  • #47
    BetsyEllen
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,360 ✭✭✭BetsyEllen


    Confucius wrote: »
    I'm new to this so I was posting sentences replying to different messages I didn't mean to make it seem unclear . I rang both numbers I found one answered and was a woman and one didn't , when she answered i froze and hung up , I did text the numbers asking if they knew him he has some distinct features but got no reply it was after that I googled the numbers and yes one links back to an escort service . I agree that I need an answer and if I don't get one well I can't continue as well the trust is gone. All I want is honesty I have supported him emotionally financially etc over the years not to say he hasn't supported me but I will say the majority of burden has been on me which is one of the things we argue about. If I was to discribe my relationship it's in a rut but I would never go outside it looking for something other. We agreed at the start that if eithier wanted to be with someone else we would end things , I'm hurt and confused and mentally drained and I know the truth may hurt but I'd rather know and move on from there

    But you have your answer. He was visiting an escort.

    It's now up to you to decide what you do next; wasting time on trying to find out 'the truth' when you already have it is silly.

    Giving him further chances to explain himself is pointless, it's just giving him the chance to make up lies.

    OP I would say have some dignity and stop asking for explanations; he has cheated on you with a prostitute so you need to decide if that can be forgiven and you are going to stay with him or if you are going to walk away with your head held high.


  • #48
    retro:electro
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,039 ✭✭✭✭retro:electro


    BetsyEllen wrote: »
    But you have your answer. He was visiting an escort.

    It's now up to you to decide what you do next; wasting time on trying to find out 'the truth' when you already have it is silly.

    Giving him further chances to explain himself is pointless, it's just giving him the chance to make up lies.

    OP I would say have some dignity and stop asking for explanations; he has cheated on you with a prostitute so you need to decide if that can be forgiven and you are going to stay with him or if you are going to walk away with your head held high.

    To be fair I don't think anyone would blame the op for wanting to source the truth here. She has been with his guy for many years, has never suspected anything before and is shocked at this. How many people would be able to just walk away without trying to see what the possibilities are? Okay all evidence points towards him seeing an escort. She now needs to present him with this and let him try and defend her evidence. After that she has closure. Walking away now without ever confronting him will always have her doubting herself and wondering what if.


  • #49
    BetsyEllen
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,360 ✭✭✭BetsyEllen


    anna080 wrote: »
    To be fair I don't think anyone would blame the op for wanting to source the truth here. She has been with his guy for many years, has never suspected anything before and is shocked at this. How many people would be able to just walk away without trying to see what the possibilities are? Okay all evidence points towards him seeing an escort. She now needs to present him with this and let him try and defend her evidence. After that she has closure. Walking away now without ever confronting him will always have her doubting herself and wondering what if.

    Oh I totally agree. Apologies if I came across as a bit cold.

    The problem is, he's not giving her an explanation.
    He's gone quiet and is ignoring the situation and has already lied by saying he knows nothing about the messages or of the numbers.

    Pressing him on it is only going to prompt further lies which will mess with her head.
    The evidence is pretty clear and all she has to go on so she can only decide what to do based on that.
    As he's not willing to discuss it any further, her only 2 options really are to either accept that and carry on with the relationship or walk away.

    My heart goes out to you OP and I really hope you're OK right now.


  • #50
    Sunflower 27
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,955 ✭✭✭Sunflower 27


    I'd be putting it to him that he owes you an explanation and if he won't, I'd be gone. He needs to know that you are serious, as you said you cannot be with someone you can't trust. He seems to think this will blow over (or wants it to).

    Plenty of relationships go through rough patches. It's not an excuse to cheat. It appears you had already agreed that with him.

    From his point of view, him thinking you will tell people he visits escorts is probably part of the reason he is keeping his mouth shut. You deserve the truth, although he may be prepared to split rather than admit it. Imagine your family, friends knowing what he has done? I'm not saying you would say anything, by the way.

    It's wrong, but I can see why he won't admit anything and instead see if this blows over.


  • #51
    Confucius
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18 ✭Confucius


    To be honest I don't know what I'm feeling angry upset disappointed . I know it's silly but I need an answer even if it is no answer. I've invested a lot of time in this relationship I just need the truth whatever that may be and if his not willing to answer than that will say it all . I've not spoken to anyone about this except you guys and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time read reply and offer advice. I appreciate the support and the thought that I'm not crazy


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  • #52
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    I can understand that. It's easy for us to offer advice from behind a screen when we're not emotionally involved. It'll take time for you to process this and decide what to do next. Be careful not to get caught up in what you've invested in the relationship to date though. Or as a phrase I've only just come across describes it - the sunk cost fallacy.


  • #53
    Neyite
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 25,947 ✭✭✭✭Neyite


    It will take time to get your head around this whether you stay together or whether you split over this.

    Can I suggest though, that you come out fighting? I know right now you want to curl up in a ball and ignore all of this but him sulking and you at a loss for answers is going to compound the damage already done.

    You need space and time to process this. Can you ask him to give you that? Move out temporarily perhaps? It's ok to take your time thinking this through, and assessing where you want it to go from here.

    If you are going to stay together /get back together then the only thing that will work is warts-and-all honesty and genuine contrition from him. Otherwise you cant fix this, even if you dearly want to because his cooperation is a vital part of rebuilding what has come crashing down.

    So, it's ok to step away to process this. It's ok to walk away if you want. It's ok to take as long as you need to ensure YOU are happy with the relationship going forward. You've had a big big shock - so be kind to yourself and if there is anyone you can talk to (a great friend/ counsellor) to process it all the better. Couple's counselling can happen in a while, but for now you need just someone for you.


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