Relationship advice

Confucius

I've been with my partner many years now , the other day while playing a game on his phone as I was coming out of it I clicked into messages I was shutting it down when a message caught my eye. I am not proud to say it caused me to look through the rest and it wasn't the only one. I asked him about them he swears he has been faithful and knows nothing about them I've asked for an explanation and has gone silent . It's Ben three days and he still hasn't explained I feel like he is ignoring it and I'm in limbo . What should I do ?

retro:electro

It's hard to give advice when you give no mention of the content of the messages or whether they were from a woman or a man. Do you know who the person is?

Loveinapril

What were the messages?

Were they from a named contact in his phonebook? How does he not know anything about text messages sent (and presumably opened) on his phone? That does not make sense.

Hannibal_Smith

Came out of a game on his phone and clicked on messages? Are you sure you weren't Looking? Has your husband had his face in his phone a lot recently so you thought you'd have a peak? I'm not asking to have a go at you, I'm asking to try and see whether the message syu saw had any depth.

Confucius

No they were unknown number. The messages gave an address and a reply from him saying he was outside and all while I was at work

Confucius

I have never snooped it was a honest mistake as I've had no reason not to trust him , but the messages are in a time I was at work ( I work shift hours )

Confucius

That's what said when i asked him about them and the fact that the unknown numbers had been called and answered from his phone

retro:electro

Who does he say they're from?

Confucius

He has totally denied knowing anything about them which is like really there on your phone and I asked him to get his phone and look and explain and since than he has been avoiding me

Loveinapril

If he is avoiding you he knows he has been caught and can't find a way of fixing it.

Sunflower 27

His silence says everything. It's up to you what you do, but the avoiding you and the situation is ridiculous.

It's like he thinks it will all just blow over in a few days. When you attempt to talk to him, what does he say?

Are you happy in your relationship?

Hannibal_Smith

Avoiding you? Why? Has he said he's annoyed with you?

Can you not tell him you want to have a conversation about it?

Confucius

See that's what I think that he hoping it will blow over that I'll move on are you kidding , I asked him how he would feel if he found messages like that on my phone and he replied I wouldn't go through your phone , I was like go through it and he knows in nearly five years I've never done that. As to happiness I don't know what I feel right now , like all renationalise wevhave ups and downs but he makes me laugh and now I just don't know all I want is an explanation

Confucius

No he is not annoyed but since I found them I've been working late and when I come home he us in bed or going to bed which is unusual as he normally doesn't go to bed at that time. He just doesn't seen to want to talk and his actions have made me shut down which I know May be childish but he is the one that needs to explain why should I be running after him

death1234567

Confucius wrote: »

No they were unknown number. The messages gave an address and a reply from him saying he was outside and all while I was at work

I assume you've already worked it out but it sounds like he's been visiting escorts.

Confucius

I've googled searched the numbers and rang them as I took them down on my phone

retro:electro

There could have been an innocent explanation to it all but since he's denying it and avoiding you I think it just points to one thing really. You know what it is.

Confucius

Yes I know what I should assume but I still want the truth it's the only thing ive ever stressed to him is always be truthful and I thought that we had that covered now I'm doubting all of it , it's not like I'm a crazy bitch in an argument I've been calm and rationale while asking him. So why not just tell me Christ he tells me everything else

sozbox

death1234567 wrote: »

I assume you've already worked it out but it sounds like he's been visiting escorts.

This is unfortunately the most likely explanation. Get yourself tested as a precaution.

retro:electro

How is your relationship apart from this? Have you ever suspected he may be cheating before? Do you have children with him?

Confucius

I would have bet all the money in the world that he wouldn't cheat seriously , and no I've no kids with him

RoisinClare6

Is it possible he could be into drugs? I know the straight jump would be to cheating but could he maybe going out and getting a bit of weed or something? Happened to me once upon a time he was to afraid to tell me in case I went ape about it.

Or have you a special birthday or anniversary coming up?

Hannibal_Smith

If he's not going to tell you we could take a million guesses at what it could be and never be right. He's made it clear he's not going to tell you, so you need to consider what your limits are and how much you trust him and what you want to do.

Confucius

Drugs deff not he has never touched them in his life .. And no special bday or anniversary coming up eithier

Confucius

I've done nothing but think about this so it boils down to for me ether we sit chat and he explains if it's innocent or a misunderstanding than fine I can move on , if it's what I an assuming or if he continues to ignore it than we can't , if j can't trust him there us no relationship and if he won't trust me to talk there is no relationship

rainbowtrout

Confucius wrote: »

I've done nothing but think about this so it boils down to for me ether we sit chat and he explains if it's innocent or a misunderstanding than fine I can move on , if it's what I an assuming or if he continues to ignore it than we can't , if j can't trust him there us no relationship and if he won't trust me to talk there is no relationship

If it was innocent he would have explained straight away and wouldn't be avoiding you....

retro:electro

He's not even arsed enough to try and come up with a lie! He's literally fobbing you off and ignoring you. If he's not willing to sit down with you and explain, then I can't see what's worth sticking around for, tbh.

riemann

Confucius wrote: »

Drugs deff not he has never touched them in his life ..

You say that with such confidence.. Never think you know everything about someone. We all have our secrets

Nervous Wreck

rainbowtrout wrote: »

If it was innocent he would have explained straight away and wouldn't be avoiding you....

Precisely.

OP, the best case scenario here is that he has a bit on the side. That being the best case is awful. I can't fathom how you're still sharing a bed with him tbh. Leave and, as others have said, get tested. He is cheating on you.

TallGlass

Can you explain the context of the messages a little more? What time about, same time each week or what was going on there. Was there any chat. What did your own investigation of the numbers turn up?

Was he buying something from Donedeal or Adverts maybe?

Maybe it is innocent and he feels he should not have to talk about it as you shouldn't have looked at this messages.

I think the best thing to do is arrange with him to talk about it as bottling it up isn't helping anything from the sounds off it.

Ursus Horribilis

Confucius wrote: »

Yes I know what I should assume but I still want the truth it's the only thing ive ever stressed to him is always be truthful and I thought that we had that covered now I'm doubting all of it , it's not like I'm a crazy bitch in an argument I've been calm and rational while asking him. So why not just tell me Christ he tells me everything else

I'm afraid it's not as cut and dried as this. If he's cheating on you, seeing an escort or up to no good, you might not get honesty. The stakes are so high here, he stands to lose his relationship. Cheaters often try to minimise what they've done and admit to as little as they possibly can. They can also try to turn things back on their partner or insult their intelligence. What I'm trying to say here is be prepared to be lied to.

RoisinClare6

Confucius wrote: »

Drugs deff not he has never touched them in his life .. And no special bday or anniversary coming up eithier

it's a tough one. If he's unwilling to talk then you need to see if what options you have, drop it/ignore it and grow to be paranoid or resent him. Other than that I think you ought to think weather you want to stay in the relationship or not.

Confucius

I know sadly I do know this

Confucius

I'm not sharing my bed with him at present I can't not unless I know what's going on

RoisinClare6

riemann wrote: »

You say that with such confidence.. Never think you know everything about someone. We all have our secrets

agree, I knew my boyfriend 2 years and spoke/texted everyday and never knew until 3 years in that I found out

Confucius

The messages were at different times and tbh even if he was mad than get mad at me but truthfully in an honest open relationship there should be no reason your partner should not be able to look at your messages I mean I offered my phone to him search away . As for content there want much but one of the searches linked to an escort page

Confucius

Drugs is the one thing I am sure about , I know it may sound crazy but nope it's not that

Sunflower 27

He's been caught out and is closing ranks, not wanting to land himself in it further.

Do you want to stay with him now? He may not be willing to confess all he has been up to. More likely he will dripfeed you details if you press him.

Personally I couldn't be around someone like this. He has lied, been caught out and just wants this to go away. I'd find it near impossible to stay with someone that has so little respect for me.

TallGlass

Confucius wrote: »

Drugs is the one thing I am sure about , I know it may sound crazy but nope it's not that

Well you know the answer to what he has been doing. One of the numbers linked to an Escort page.

No ifs or buts there, you can either. Talk to him and continue the relationship or walk away.

Sunflower 27

He's getting mad at you about the looking at messages to deflect from his dodgy behaviour. You saw something that you thought was suspect and looked. Big deal! He has likely cheated; there is no comparison.

LegacyUser

My feeling is that he has cheated on you. He does not want to talk about it and is hoping you forget this. My advice is to get yourself checked out as you could have an sti and not know this.
He has some nerve getting mad at you now when you saw an escort site on his phone along with a lot of strange numbers that he was calling and getting calls from.
Unless he starts talking to you I would tell him it is over.
You deserve better than this.

tara73

Confucius wrote: »

I've googled searched the numbers and rang them as I took them down on my phone

so who answered? should give clearance or did nobody answer?

leggo

Right so if you checked the messages and saw an address and him saying he's outside, and one of your searches led to an escort service, then he's almost definitely seen an escort at least once. If he won't tell you or talk about it, that has to be your ongoing assumption. Now you have to ask how you feel about that and, also, how you feel about the fact you've been lied to, blanked completely when you've caught him out in a lie and that your partner has likely paid to sleep with someone else. He's not giving you any explanation or defence so that's what you've got to deal with now, simple as.

tara73

leggo wrote: »

Right so if you checked the messages and saw an address and him saying he's outside, and one of your searches led to an escort service, .

the escort service thing was an assumption from a poster, not from the OP.

Sorry OP, you give very patchy information, you phoned the numbers, who answered?
this is all very weird (including your way of posting here, very hard to get the context when posting numerous posts after each other with mostly just one sentence.)


anyway, messy situation, obviously he has something to hide, he's avoiding you. I couldn't stand this situation, if I were you, I would give him an ultimatum to talk about it and telling you the truth this evening or tomorrow. If he won't agree to it I would tell him you need to reconsider the relationship.

leggo

Confucius wrote: »

As for content there want much but one of the searches linked to an escort page

I'm basing what I said off this. Am I missing something?

tara73

sorry, I missed that. as said, very hard to follow the facts with bits and pieces of information in all the posts.

Confucius

I'm new to this so I was posting sentences replying to different messages I didn't mean to make it seem unclear . I rang both numbers I found one answered and was a woman and one didn't , when she answered i froze and hung up , I did text the numbers asking if they knew him he has some distinct features but got no reply it was after that I googled the numbers and yes one links back to an escort service . I agree that I need an answer and if I don't get one well I can't continue as well the trust is gone. All I want is honesty I have supported him emotionally financially etc over the years not to say he hasn't supported me but I will say the majority of burden has been on me which is one of the things we argue about. If I was to discribe my relationship it's in a rut but I would never go outside it looking for something other. We agreed at the start that if eithier wanted to be with someone else we would end things , I'm hurt and confused and mentally drained and I know the truth may hurt but I'd rather know and move on from there

retro:electro

Just say to him "right, so I googled one of those numbers I came across and it happened to direct me to an escort service. Is this something you'd like to explain or are you happy to continue ignoring me and having me think the worst of you". You'll know by the response you get.

BetsyEllen

Confucius wrote: »

I'm new to this so I was posting sentences replying to different messages I didn't mean to make it seem unclear . I rang both numbers I found one answered and was a woman and one didn't , when she answered i froze and hung up , I did text the numbers asking if they knew him he has some distinct features but got no reply it was after that I googled the numbers and yes one links back to an escort service . I agree that I need an answer and if I don't get one well I can't continue as well the trust is gone. All I want is honesty I have supported him emotionally financially etc over the years not to say he hasn't supported me but I will say the majority of burden has been on me which is one of the things we argue about. If I was to discribe my relationship it's in a rut but I would never go outside it looking for something other. We agreed at the start that if eithier wanted to be with someone else we would end things , I'm hurt and confused and mentally drained and I know the truth may hurt but I'd rather know and move on from there

But you have your answer. He was visiting an escort.

It's now up to you to decide what you do next; wasting time on trying to find out 'the truth' when you already have it is silly.

Giving him further chances to explain himself is pointless, it's just giving him the chance to make up lies.

OP I would say have some dignity and stop asking for explanations; he has cheated on you with a prostitute so you need to decide if that can be forgiven and you are going to stay with him or if you are going to walk away with your head held high.

retro:electro

BetsyEllen wrote: »

But you have your answer. He was visiting an escort.

It's now up to you to decide what you do next; wasting time on trying to find out 'the truth' when you already have it is silly.

Giving him further chances to explain himself is pointless, it's just giving him the chance to make up lies.

OP I would say have some dignity and stop asking for explanations; he has cheated on you with a prostitute so you need to decide if that can be forgiven and you are going to stay with him or if you are going to walk away with your head held high.

To be fair I don't think anyone would blame the op for wanting to source the truth here. She has been with his guy for many years, has never suspected anything before and is shocked at this. How many people would be able to just walk away without trying to see what the possibilities are? Okay all evidence points towards him seeing an escort. She now needs to present him with this and let him try and defend her evidence. After that she has closure. Walking away now without ever confronting him will always have her doubting herself and wondering what if.

BetsyEllen

anna080 wrote: »

To be fair I don't think anyone would blame the op for wanting to source the truth here. She has been with his guy for many years, has never suspected anything before and is shocked at this. How many people would be able to just walk away without trying to see what the possibilities are? Okay all evidence points towards him seeing an escort. She now needs to present him with this and let him try and defend her evidence. After that she has closure. Walking away now without ever confronting him will always have her doubting herself and wondering what if.

Oh I totally agree. Apologies if I came across as a bit cold.

The problem is, he's not giving her an explanation.
He's gone quiet and is ignoring the situation and has already lied by saying he knows nothing about the messages or of the numbers.

Pressing him on it is only going to prompt further lies which will mess with her head.
The evidence is pretty clear and all she has to go on so she can only decide what to do based on that.
As he's not willing to discuss it any further, her only 2 options really are to either accept that and carry on with the relationship or walk away.

My heart goes out to you OP and I really hope you're OK right now.