Relationship advice

Confucius

I've been with my partner many years now , the other day while playing a game on his phone as I was coming out of it I clicked into messages I was shutting it down when a message caught my eye. I am not proud to say it caused me to look through the rest and it wasn't the only one. I asked him about them he swears he has been faithful and knows nothing about them I've asked for an explanation and has gone silent . It's Ben three days and he still hasn't explained I feel like he is ignoring it and I'm in limbo . What should I do ?

retro:electro

It's hard to give advice when you give no mention of the content of the messages or whether they were from a woman or a man. Do you know who the person is?

Hannibal_Smith

Came out of a game on his phone and clicked on messages? Are you sure you weren't Looking? Has your husband had his face in his phone a lot recently so you thought you'd have a peak? I'm not asking to have a go at you, I'm asking to try and see whether the message syu saw had any depth.

Confucius

No they were unknown number. The messages gave an address and a reply from him saying he was outside and all while I was at work

Confucius

I have never snooped it was a honest mistake as I've had no reason not to trust him , but the messages are in a time I was at work ( I work shift hours )

Confucius

That's what said when i asked him about them and the fact that the unknown numbers had been called and answered from his phone

retro:electro

Who does he say they're from?

Confucius

He has totally denied knowing anything about them which is like really there on your phone and I asked him to get his phone and look and explain and since than he has been avoiding me

Sunflower 27

His silence says everything. It's up to you what you do, but the avoiding you and the situation is ridiculous.

It's like he thinks it will all just blow over in a few days. When you attempt to talk to him, what does he say?

Are you happy in your relationship?

Hannibal_Smith

Avoiding you? Why? Has he said he's annoyed with you?

Can you not tell him you want to have a conversation about it?

Confucius

See that's what I think that he hoping it will blow over that I'll move on are you kidding , I asked him how he would feel if he found messages like that on my phone and he replied I wouldn't go through your phone , I was like go through it and he knows in nearly five years I've never done that. As to happiness I don't know what I feel right now , like all renationalise wevhave ups and downs but he makes me laugh and now I just don't know all I want is an explanation

Confucius

No he is not annoyed but since I found them I've been working late and when I come home he us in bed or going to bed which is unusual as he normally doesn't go to bed at that time. He just doesn't seen to want to talk and his actions have made me shut down which I know May be childish but he is the one that needs to explain why should I be running after him

death1234567

Confucius wrote: »

No they were unknown number. The messages gave an address and a reply from him saying he was outside and all while I was at work

I assume you've already worked it out but it sounds like he's been visiting escorts.

Confucius

I've googled searched the numbers and rang them as I took them down on my phone

retro:electro

There could have been an innocent explanation to it all but since he's denying it and avoiding you I think it just points to one thing really. You know what it is.

Confucius

Yes I know what I should assume but I still want the truth it's the only thing ive ever stressed to him is always be truthful and I thought that we had that covered now I'm doubting all of it , it's not like I'm a crazy bitch in an argument I've been calm and rationale while asking him. So why not just tell me Christ he tells me everything else

sozbox

death1234567 wrote: »

I assume you've already worked it out but it sounds like he's been visiting escorts.

This is unfortunately the most likely explanation. Get yourself tested as a precaution.

retro:electro

How is your relationship apart from this? Have you ever suspected he may be cheating before? Do you have children with him?

Confucius

I would have bet all the money in the world that he wouldn't cheat seriously , and no I've no kids with him

RoisinClare6

Is it possible he could be into drugs? I know the straight jump would be to cheating but could he maybe going out and getting a bit of weed or something? Happened to me once upon a time he was to afraid to tell me in case I went ape about it.

Or have you a special birthday or anniversary coming up?

Hannibal_Smith

If he's not going to tell you we could take a million guesses at what it could be and never be right. He's made it clear he's not going to tell you, so you need to consider what your limits are and how much you trust him and what you want to do.

Confucius

Drugs deff not he has never touched them in his life .. And no special bday or anniversary coming up eithier

Confucius

I've done nothing but think about this so it boils down to for me ether we sit chat and he explains if it's innocent or a misunderstanding than fine I can move on , if it's what I an assuming or if he continues to ignore it than we can't , if j can't trust him there us no relationship and if he won't trust me to talk there is no relationship

rainbowtrout

Confucius wrote: »

I've done nothing but think about this so it boils down to for me ether we sit chat and he explains if it's innocent or a misunderstanding than fine I can move on , if it's what I an assuming or if he continues to ignore it than we can't , if j can't trust him there us no relationship and if he won't trust me to talk there is no relationship

If it was innocent he would have explained straight away and wouldn't be avoiding you....

retro:electro

He's not even arsed enough to try and come up with a lie! He's literally fobbing you off and ignoring you. If he's not willing to sit down with you and explain, then I can't see what's worth sticking around for, tbh.

riemann

Confucius wrote: »

Drugs deff not he has never touched them in his life ..

You say that with such confidence.. Never think you know everything about someone. We all have our secrets

Nervous Wreck

rainbowtrout wrote: »

If it was innocent he would have explained straight away and wouldn't be avoiding you....

Precisely.

OP, the best case scenario here is that he has a bit on the side. That being the best case is awful. I can't fathom how you're still sharing a bed with him tbh. Leave and, as others have said, get tested. He is cheating on you.

TallGlass

Can you explain the context of the messages a little more? What time about, same time each week or what was going on there. Was there any chat. What did your own investigation of the numbers turn up?

Was he buying something from Donedeal or Adverts maybe?

Maybe it is innocent and he feels he should not have to talk about it as you shouldn't have looked at this messages.

I think the best thing to do is arrange with him to talk about it as bottling it up isn't helping anything from the sounds off it.

Ursus Horribilis

Confucius wrote: »

Yes I know what I should assume but I still want the truth it's the only thing ive ever stressed to him is always be truthful and I thought that we had that covered now I'm doubting all of it , it's not like I'm a crazy bitch in an argument I've been calm and rational while asking him. So why not just tell me Christ he tells me everything else

I'm afraid it's not as cut and dried as this. If he's cheating on you, seeing an escort or up to no good, you might not get honesty. The stakes are so high here, he stands to lose his relationship. Cheaters often try to minimise what they've done and admit to as little as they possibly can. They can also try to turn things back on their partner or insult their intelligence. What I'm trying to say here is be prepared to be lied to.

RoisinClare6

Confucius wrote: »

Drugs deff not he has never touched them in his life .. And no special bday or anniversary coming up eithier

it's a tough one. If he's unwilling to talk then you need to see if what options you have, drop it/ignore it and grow to be paranoid or resent him. Other than that I think you ought to think weather you want to stay in the relationship or not.

Confucius

I know sadly I do know this