Made a Mess of things

LegacyUser · 10-04-2017 01:01PM #1

I've been seeing this guy casually for over a year. He didn't want a serious relationship and I was ok with it. However, the last while I've started to develop stronger feelings for him. He has hinted that he felt the same but his life was in too much of a mess for anything more but that he wasn't seeing anybody else only me.

Anyway last Saturday was my 40th birthday. I wasn't planning on doing anything much just dinner with my daughter and my family. But on Friday he texted me and we arranged to go out and stay over in a hotel and he said he was paying although I told him that he didn't need to. He told me to book the hotel and he'd meet me there. Two hours after the time he said he'd be there he hadnt arrived and he wasn't answering any of my texts. He's done this before - stood me up and then texted a few days later with an excuse. This time it was humiliating though. I had to check out and go home at 1.30am and the reception was closed so I just left the key on the desk. And the hotel rang me the next morning to say the card I booked with had been declined so I had to go down with cash. Kind of put a damper on my birthday.

Last night I had one too many and texted him spilling my guts about how I felt about him and how he had made a fool of me. He didnt reply.

I'm mortified now - I've never done anything like that before. I feel really hurt but also like an idiot. I've been very teary the last couple of days I don't know if it's turning 40 and having my life such a mess or just about him. I thought by the time I got to this age things would have worked out better. Where do I go from here? Any advise appreciated.

Tigger99 · 10-04-2017 02:16PM

Him not replying says it all. What he did was pretty ****ty. Or maybe done on purpose to give you a strong sign that he's not as into you as you are him.

You said he's let you down before too? Honestly this guy isn't the right one for you. Honestly, I'd delete his number so I couldn't contact him again and especially when drunk.

wirelessdude01 · 10-04-2017 02:18PM

Sounds like he has a wife/girlfriend stashed away.

charlietheminxx · 10-04-2017 02:25PM

Run a MILE from him. What a horrible person! Who would do something so cruel? He sounds like an absolute headmelter.

You've said your piece to him, drunk or not, he likely deserved some home truths. Now pick yourself up, draw a line under it and move on. Show yourself some respect and don't settle for less than that from anyone else either.

s15r330 · 10-04-2017 02:27PM

Delete and block, what a waste of space.
Really annoying when there are loads of decent lads out there.
Dikheads like that give us all a bad name.
Cut your losses and run!!

kylith · 10-04-2017 02:28PM

I'd get rid of him, if I were you. He let you down badly, embarassed you, and didn't even have the guts to reply to your message.

Delete his number and forget about him.

heretochat · 10-04-2017 03:11PM

Don't be mortified OP. None of this reflects badly on you. You may have been naive to let this go on so long but we have all been there.

As for where you go from here, I am with the others on this. I would have no more to do with him.

ncmc · 10-04-2017 03:29PM

I think it’s telling that you titled your post ‘made a mess of things’ when you haven’t done anything of the sort. At most you’re guilty of falling for a guy that clearly just wanted a friends with benefits scenario and for letting it carry on a bit too long. Don’t worry too much about the text, there are few among us who haven’t said or text more than they intended with a few alcoholic drinks of board. He’s the one that has acted absolutely disgracefully. My blood was boiling reading your post and I feel so awful for you that this happened on your birthday. I can just imagine the sort, I’m sure he’s incredibly charming and plausible when he’s spinning you an excuse or stringing you along, but his behaviour this weekend is the real him – remember that the next time you feel like contacting him. Delete and block his number and move on. You’re only 40 – not middle aged despite your posting name! You will meet a decent guy who will treat you right and not muck you around like this cad. Best of luck and happy birthday!

gsi300024v · 10-04-2017 04:44PM

You might like a spot of counselling to see why you go for people and put up with people like him?

DopeTech · 10-04-2017 04:59PM

gsi300024v wrote: »

You might like a spot of counselling to see why you go for people and put up with people like him?

A bit of an over reaction no?

He sounds like a complete pr1ck. Cut him loose, soon enough his wife or bit on the side will be busy one night and he'll want to get the leg over. When he texts you tell him where to go. Plenty of other guys out there, no need to put up with crap like that.

mapaca · 10-04-2017 05:01PM

Look at it another way: HE has made a mess of things, not you. He had his chance and he blew it. What a horrible person to treat you like this. Well you show him you're not having it. Delete, block and cut contact, don't waste another minute on him. There's plenty of other decent men out there for you to meet. Onwards and upwards.

GuessWhoEh · 10-04-2017 05:04PM

OMG that's awful!!

Delete his number. Delete all contacts. Social media etc. That should of been the straw that broke the camels back. He didn't even make an attempt to cancel, just blantly didn't turn up. I'm disgusted at him. Please do not lower yourself to his level. We all do stupid things when we've had a few too many and texting a guy/girl spilling the guts is definitely up there with a bunch of many more. Please do not kick yourself over this. If anything, hold your head high. He does not deserve you at all. You deserve so much more

Big Bag of Chips · 10-04-2017 05:55PM

I'd say you'll get a reply by Friday with some outlandish excuse. Even if there is a cast iron reason for what happened, it doesn't matter. You want more now than he's offering you, so your relationship is over anyway.

You can choose to reply to his excuse if you want, or you can just ignore all attempts at communication.

What sort of mess is his life in that he can't be in a relationship? And are you sure you're the only one he's been seeing? Irrelevant anyway. Move on.

Ursus Horribilis · 10-04-2017 07:05PM

Oh dear. What a terrible story and what an absolute ass he is. If anything good is to come of this, it's that you're finally rid of this waste of space. He has form when it comes to treating you like crap and perhaps that would've continued if it wasn't for what happened. It's unfortunate that your arrangement imploded in such a cringeworthy fashion but it's done now. As the days and the hours move on, this will start to feel less raw.

As the others have pointed out, you didn't make a mess of anything. Unless being nice and being human are pre-requisites. It's all too easy to send texts like yours when you're hurt. Trying to resist sending these things when your emotions are running high is a very big ask. You can't change what happened in the past but you can do something about the future. Hopefully now that he's not a part of it, you might have a chance at meeting someone who is better than him.

Colser · 10-04-2017 07:19PM

There's absolutely no excuse in the world that can justify what he did to ..it's one of the worse things I've ever heard tbh and my heart genuinely goes out to you.

Don't even think about the text you sent him..he deserved that and more.Don't be tempted to reply to him if he ever contacts you again..better to be alone forever than to be with a horrible dipstick like him.

Enjoy your family and if you meet someone else don't let them treat you like that...I'm fuming even thinking about it and I don't even know you..what an absolute p***k...forget about him and remember that this is about him,you did nothing wrong.

LegacyUser · 10-04-2017 07:34PM

Thanks for the replies. I can't seem to get the quote thingy to work. But the reason I put up with it was because I always felt bad for him with the excuses he made. He seemed to be genuinely having a really bad time in his life. His work was taking a lot out of him. He was running his friends business for him because the friend couldn't cope and all the problems were coming to him. He had no time off and all of the problems of owning a business and none of the perks of being the owner. He was living in a house share with a group of lads in a house his friend owned. It all blew up and he lost his job and his home and ended up broke and homeless and it took a while to get back on his feet.

He kind of told me he loved me in a way that he didn't really say it outright but he also hinted that if everything in his life worked out better we could have been together properly. Maybe I was a fool for believing him but I tend to take people at face value. It's gotten me in trouble before.

I actually did delete his number but after a few drinks I was feeling miserable and wanted answers from him so found a way to get it back through gmail which makes it worse and more pathetic. I ended up saying way more than I meant to. I don't normally drink much. So probably a good idea to lay off it for a while if that's the effect it has on me. Anyway he knows now so no taking it back. I'll just have to try and get on with it and try to put him behind me

rainbowtrout · 10-04-2017 09:01PM

That's just downright cruel behaviour. He knew well he was never going to turn up, but set you up for a fall, and left you out of pocket as well. What a horrible human being. It's not your fault that he's such a prick OP. But like others said, delete him from your phone/social media, and under no circumstances reply to him if he tries to get in contact with you.

Daisy78 · 10-04-2017 09:48PM

First off happy birthday, I hope you did something nice to celebrate such a big milestone

It's such a pity that something as unpleasant as this had to happen on what should have been a happy occasion.

I completely agree with the poster above, what a cruel man to do something so heartless. I think you know yourself that the writing was on the wall as regards his feelings towards you. I really don't get how people can do this to another person, this ghosting ****e. You can be sure that he has pulled this kind of stunt before and no doubt he will try it again with some other poor woman. All you can do is chalk it up to experience, take the silver lining of not having this poor excuse of a man in your life any more and move on. The one upside to this kind of thing is that it makes you appreciate the decent man when he comes along.

Airyfairy12 · 10-04-2017 10:42PM

You could start by not chasing after men that clearly dont care or respect you. I know you have feelings for him but theres more to relationships than strong feelings which clearly seem to be one sided. Step back and evaluate yourself and what you want in a relationship. Id be blocking him on all social media.

mf1977 · 10-04-2017 11:13PM

Thanks for the replies. I wrote a post but it doesn't seem to have gone through so I signed up. I can't get the quote thingy to work but I'll try to answer some of the questions.

I think the reason I put up with his excuses was that I felt bad for what he was going through. He genuinely seemed to be having a really bad time in his life. His job was wearing him out. He was running his friends business because his friend couldn't cope. He never had any time off or time to himself. All the problems came to his door. He had all the stress and problems of owning a business without the perks. He was living in a house share with a load of young lads in a house the friend owned and wasn't happy about that. It all blew up between him and his friend and he lost his job and his home. He ended up broke and homeless. It took a while to get back on his feet and a lot of his friends weren't there for him.

He told me he loved me in a roundabout way without actually saying it. And he hinted and have me hope that if his life was better we could have been together properly. I was probably a fool for believing him but I take people at face value. It's gotten me in trouble before.

The thing is I deleted his number but last night I was so miserable and wanted answers from him so I found a way to get it back on gmail because my phone is android. That makes it even more pathetic. I dont normally drink much but i think I'll be giving ot a miss for a while if thats the way it affects me. Anyway he knows how I feel now and I can't take it back. So I'll just have to pick myself up and get on with my life without him in it.

Also I didn't chase after him. He was the one doing all the "chasing". He initiated the whole thing. It was always him who decided when he wanted to meet me and on his terms. I was always so worried about putting pressure on him and looking for things from him that he didn't want to give me I left it to him.

rainbowtrout · 10-04-2017 11:59PM

mf1977 wrote: »

I think the reason I put up with his excuses was that I felt bad for what he was going through. He genuinely seemed to be having a really bad time in his life. His job was wearing him out. He was running his friends business because his friend couldn't cope. He never had any time off or time to himself. All the problems came to his door. He had all the stress and problems of owning a business without the perks. He was living in a house share with a load of young lads in a house the friend owned and wasn't happy about that. It all blew up between him and his friend and he lost his job and his home. He ended up broke and homeless. It took a while to get back on his feet and a lot of his friends weren't there for him.

He told me he loved me in a roundabout way without actually saying it. And he hinted and have me hope that if his life was better we could have been together properly. I was probably a fool for believing him but I take people at face value. It's gotten me in trouble before.

You didn't do anything wrong by believing him. A lot of people have been in difficult situations, particularly in the last 10 years, workwise, homewise, financially.

But, what you do need to remember is that roundabout way of saying he loved you wasn't him telling you he loved you at all. It was just enough words to keep you reeled in, he threw you enough scraps from the table to keep you interested. People who love you don't tell you to book a hotel room and then not show up.

mf1977 wrote: »

The thing is I deleted his number but last night I was so miserable and wanted answers from him so I found a way to get it back on gmail because my phone is android. That makes it even more pathetic. I dont normally drink much but i think I'll be giving ot a miss for a while if thats the way it affects me. Anyway he knows how I feel now and I can't take it back. So I'll just have to pick myself up and get on with my life without him in it.

Delete his number again. What good is going to come of this? You're probably hoping there is some miraculous explanation for his cruel behaviour, but I think deep down you probably know that this is him. he doesn't care for, or love or respect you. You only prolong the damage to your mental health by keeping that phone number in your phone waiting him to ring or text with an explanation or considering contacting yourself because you can.

I can guarantee you one of three things will happen.

1. You'll never hear from him again because he wanted to finish the friends with benefits arrangement but was too cowardly to just be honest and call it a day.

2. You'll hear from him in a couple of weeks when he thinks you've got over it and he'll try and worm his way back in with a flimsy excuse.

Or 3. He doesn't really care either way if he sees you again, but if you cave in, in a few weeks time and text him it will end up going something like this -you'll text him and say 'I thought you were a decent person and we had something going on, the very least you could have done was returned my calls' and he'll wait a day or two and then reply with something along the lines of 'Sorry I've been busy the last while, how are you' It won't address your concerns, it won't be an apology, it will be like the hotel incident never happened, it will hit your weak spot - wanting to see him again and wanting things to be ok, and meeting him will be your acceptance of his bad behaviour, and bam, you're back to square one.

None of those outcomes are nice or good for you. Delete the number. The best case scenario is that you never hear from him again. That way it's easier to move on.

mf1977 wrote: »

Also I didn't chase after him. He was the one doing all the "chasing". He initiated the whole thing. It was always him who decided when he wanted to meet me and on his terms. I was always so worried about putting pressure on him and looking for things from him that he didn't want to give me I left it to him.

But always on his terms, never yours. If you made any suggestion of wanting more, there was the threat of him opting out, not being in the right place for a relationship, he knew you liked him more than he liked you, so he used it to his advantage to feed his ego and have everything on his terms.

I'm not saying any of this to be cruel or critical. I've had the experience of this kind of guy. Didn't have an experience like you did on your birthday, but overall the same patterns occurred. Finished it, and cut contact. He got into a serious long term relationship soon after. All of the 'I'm not in a position to commit to a relationship excuses clearly didn't apply' Ran into him again a year or two ago, he hasn't changed. This guy won't either.

Chin up, OP. This is going to feel like shit for a good while, but you will get over it in time. And you won't fall into the same trap again. You'll know the warning signs.

daisybelle2008 · 11-04-2017 12:00AM

mf1977 wrote: »

He genuinely seemed to be having a really bad time in his life. His job was wearing him out. He was running his friends business because his friend couldn't cope. He never had any time off or time to himself. All the problems came to his door. He had all the stress and problems of owning a business without the perks. He was living in a house share with a load of young lads in a house the friend owned and wasn't happy about that. It all blew up between him and his friend and he lost his job and his home. He ended up broke and homeless. It took a while to get back on his feet and a lot of his friends weren't there for him.

He told me he loved me in a roundabout way without actually saying it. And he hinted and have me hope that if his life was better we could have been together properly.

So I'll just have to pick myself up and get on with my life without him in it.

OP, none that BS yarn is true. He is a liar and a loser. The friends business and job never existed.
Have you been to his home,this 'houseshare'? Place of work or meet any of his friends or family?

You have been spared, count yourself lucky and don't sell yourself so short in future.

mf1977 · 11-04-2017 01:06AM

rainbowtrout wrote: »

Delete his number again. What good is going to come of this?

I've deleted his number again. Feels like sh1t to think he played me so well and also at the same time to think that I still feel for him knowing that he was treating me like a fool.

A lot of the posts have been saying that I could meet someone better in the future and I know I'll get over him in time but to be honest I don't think I could ever trust anyone again. I took everything he told me at face value. It's how I've always been and look where it's gotten me. Ive always been too trusting. Now I dont know if I can believe anything he told me. If what some of you have suggested is true and he's really married it makes me feel sick to my stomach.

It's just been a bad weekend in general and I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself so I think I just have to cop on and pick myself up and get on with it I suppose.

Skibunny77 · 11-04-2017 06:57AM

Op, it is human nature to look for answers and I think you were perfectly entitled to send that email. All contact should stop now and you should ignore the inevitable contact from him. Think about it, imagine you treated someone the way he treated you and yet they came back for more. What would you think about them? Most likely you would lose respect for them and think they were desperate or pathetic to tolerate your behaviour. If they have no standards in how they are treated why should you apply any in how you treat them? You are right to feel distressed and upset, please use this emotion positively- set standards that make you feel good about yourself and send out the right message to prospective partners.

lawred2 · 11-04-2017 06:59AM

He's married.

And a cnut.

Big Bag of Chips · 11-04-2017 09:00AM

There are shtty people in the world, OP, but please don't let that put you off meeting someone else. They are in a minority. Don't change the person you are because one person you met is an arsehole. You will move on and be happy, while he will continue to be a miserable bastard for the rest of his life.

Please, resist the temptation to make any more contact with him. Because if you do, the only certainty is, that he will make you feel worse about yourself. If you start to question him or expose him for the fake that he is, he WILL turn nasty, and he WILL say very hurtful (and untrue) things to you.

You now have the upper hand, keep it by never ever contacting him again. Ever. No matter how tempting. Block him on everything. I know the curiosity will be there to check if he's trying to contact you, and that is understandable, but please know that no good can possibly come out of replying to anything he sends you.

You've done nothing wrong, so don't change who you are or how you are around people.

rainbowtrout · 11-04-2017 09:06AM

mf1977 wrote: »

Feels like sh1t to think he played me so well and also at the same time to think that I still feel for him knowing that he was treating me like a fool.

A lot of the posts have been saying that I could meet someone better in the future and I know I'll get over him in time but to be honest I don't think I could ever trust anyone again. I took everything he told me at face value.

OP it's still very raw. It will take time but you are unlikely to have to deal with this ever again.

Next time you are dating someone you will be aware of the signals if they are pulling the 'I'm not looking for a relationship' card. You will be able to say 'well I am' and know that your wants and needs are as valid as theirs and to let them go if you're not on the same page.

What he told you about himself is probably not all that relevant in the greater scheme of things. He could have treated you like a princess and still had a wife in the background he was cheating on.

Being with him was probably like a drug OP. A great high when ye were together and you were happy, and then a low when you were looking forward to meeting him and he would cancel without explanation.

You will be able to trust again. But in the future you will be finely attuned to BS detection and if you see the same pattern emerge, you'll know to call time straight away.

ncmc · 11-04-2017 09:56AM

mf1977 wrote: »

I've deleted his number again. Feels like sh1t to think he played me so well and also at the same time to think that I still feel for him knowing that he was treating me like a fool.

A lot of the posts have been saying that I could meet someone better in the future and I know I'll get over him in time but to be honest I don't think I could ever trust anyone again. I took everything he told me at face value. It's how I've always been and look where it's gotten me. Ive always been too trusting. Now I dont know if I can believe anything he told me. If what some of you have suggested is true and he's really married it makes me feel sick to my stomach.

It's just been a bad weekend in general and I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself so I think I just have to cop on and pick myself up and get on with it I suppose.

Maybe you will meet someone, maybe you won’t. None of us can see into the future and at the moment it’s understandable to be much too raw and much too hurt to think about leaving yourself open and vulnerable in the future. But here’s the thing, most people are pretty decent, most people are pretty honest and open about what they want. You were unlucky and met a bad ‘un and all you can do is take it as a valuable lesson. You don’t have to be immediately distrustful of people in the future, but at the same time, it’s no harm keeping a level head and being aware of warning signs. If a guy likes you, he will make an effort to see you and be open to a relationship. If there’s sneaking around, cancelling at short notice, only meeting on his terms etc., well then that’s a warning sign and something to be alert for in future.

Well done on blocking his number, I know it’s hard and the temptation to unblock him will be very strong at times, but keep yourself busy, ensconce yourself with friends and family and ride out these few weeks. It will get better and you’ll soon realise what a lucky escape you had!

Neyite · 11-04-2017 11:01AM

lawred2 wrote: »

He's married.

And a cnut.

This would be my guess too. Have you actually ever been to his flat share, seen his home, where he lives, met his friends or family?

If he cared about you, you would have got a text. Stuff happens. People get sick or cars break down or whatever, but you text the person as soon as you know you've to cancel meeting them. It's basic manners.

He's stood you up several times. He's hinted enough to keep you hanging on hoping for more but never actually let it develop into anything more. He's a player and he did a really sh!t thing to you. Hold your head up here, you did nothing wrong. He deserved a few home truths.

leggo · 11-04-2017 11:34AM

OP you're being REALLY hard on yourself, unnecessarily. If I walk up to someone and spin them a yarn about my life that sounds plausible and they believe me, that makes me a liar and a weirdo, not them stupid for believing me.

I've been unfortunate enough to know some lads that sound exactly like this guy, as some girls I know have encountered them. They're great at starting relationships, charming as anything with girls at the start, promising them the sun and the moon, which they can do because they know it's all crap and there's nothing there. If you've no intentions of fulfilling it, it's easy to promise someone an all-expenses trip to Paris after all because it's just empty words.

The reality, when you see it, is that there's generally nothing there beyond that. Maybe a drink problem is all that's behind the magic curtain. And what's most pathetic about that is that these lads clearly realise as much and go with it. How sad is that when you think about it?!

You're not the pathetic one here by a long stretch. You believed some guy when you had no reason not to. Maybe, in the future once you process all of this (and give yourself time to do so), you'll come away from it with some triggers to look out for that will help you spot these kind of people a mile off in the future. But that's life, we live and learn, and sadly the only way we learn is through experience. Don't beat yourself up about it. You'll be better for having been through this in the future.

jjcczz1221 · 11-04-2017 12:23PM

He is doing you a favour by not showing up and playing you like this, so that you can eventually see who he really is. Time to move on, find someone who treats you better cause you deserve it.

Made a Mess of things

Comments