Made a Mess of things

LegacyUser

I've been seeing this guy casually for over a year. He didn't want a serious relationship and I was ok with it. However, the last while I've started to develop stronger feelings for him. He has hinted that he felt the same but his life was in too much of a mess for anything more but that he wasn't seeing anybody else only me.

Anyway last Saturday was my 40th birthday. I wasn't planning on doing anything much just dinner with my daughter and my family. But on Friday he texted me and we arranged to go out and stay over in a hotel and he said he was paying although I told him that he didn't need to. He told me to book the hotel and he'd meet me there. Two hours after the time he said he'd be there he hadnt arrived and he wasn't answering any of my texts. He's done this before - stood me up and then texted a few days later with an excuse. This time it was humiliating though. I had to check out and go home at 1.30am and the reception was closed so I just left the key on the desk. And the hotel rang me the next morning to say the card I booked with had been declined so I had to go down with cash. Kind of put a damper on my birthday.

Last night I had one too many and texted him spilling my guts about how I felt about him and how he had made a fool of me. He didnt reply.

I'm mortified now - I've never done anything like that before. I feel really hurt but also like an idiot. I've been very teary the last couple of days I don't know if it's turning 40 and having my life such a mess or just about him. I thought by the time I got to this age things would have worked out better. Where do I go from here? Any advise appreciated.

Tigger99

Him not replying says it all. What he did was pretty ****ty. Or maybe done on purpose to give you a strong sign that he's not as into you as you are him.

You said he's let you down before too? Honestly this guy isn't the right one for you. Honestly, I'd delete his number so I couldn't contact him again and especially when drunk.

wirelessdude01

Sounds like he has a wife/girlfriend stashed away.

charlietheminxx

Run a MILE from him. What a horrible person! Who would do something so cruel? He sounds like an absolute headmelter.

You've said your piece to him, drunk or not, he likely deserved some home truths. Now pick yourself up, draw a line under it and move on. Show yourself some respect and don't settle for less than that from anyone else either.

s15r330

Delete and block, what a waste of space.
Really annoying when there are loads of decent lads out there.
Dikheads like that give us all a bad name.
Cut your losses and run!!

kylith

I'd get rid of him, if I were you. He let you down badly, embarassed you, and didn't even have the guts to reply to your message.

Delete his number and forget about him.

heretochat

Don't be mortified OP. None of this reflects badly on you. You may have been naive to let this go on so long but we have all been there.

As for where you go from here, I am with the others on this. I would have no more to do with him.

ncmc

I think it’s telling that you titled your post ‘made a mess of things’ when you haven’t done anything of the sort. At most you’re guilty of falling for a guy that clearly just wanted a friends with benefits scenario and for letting it carry on a bit too long. Don’t worry too much about the text, there are few among us who haven’t said or text more than they intended with a few alcoholic drinks of board. He’s the one that has acted absolutely disgracefully. My blood was boiling reading your post and I feel so awful for you that this happened on your birthday. I can just imagine the sort, I’m sure he’s incredibly charming and plausible when he’s spinning you an excuse or stringing you along, but his behaviour this weekend is the real him – remember that the next time you feel like contacting him. Delete and block his number and move on. You’re only 40 – not middle aged despite your posting name! You will meet a decent guy who will treat you right and not muck you around like this cad. Best of luck and happy birthday!

gsi300024v

You might like a spot of counselling to see why you go for people and put up with people like him?

DopeTech

gsi300024v wrote: »

You might like a spot of counselling to see why you go for people and put up with people like him?

A bit of an over reaction no?

He sounds like a complete pr1ck. Cut him loose, soon enough his wife or bit on the side will be busy one night and he'll want to get the leg over. When he texts you tell him where to go. Plenty of other guys out there, no need to put up with crap like that.

mapaca

Look at it another way: HE has made a mess of things, not you. He had his chance and he blew it. What a horrible person to treat you like this. Well you show him you're not having it. Delete, block and cut contact, don't waste another minute on him. There's plenty of other decent men out there for you to meet. Onwards and upwards.

GuessWhoEh

OMG that's awful!!

Delete his number. Delete all contacts. Social media etc. That should of been the straw that broke the camels back. He didn't even make an attempt to cancel, just blantly didn't turn up. I'm disgusted at him. Please do not lower yourself to his level. We all do stupid things when we've had a few too many and texting a guy/girl spilling the guts is definitely up there with a bunch of many more. Please do not kick yourself over this. If anything, hold your head high. He does not deserve you at all. You deserve so much more

Big Bag of Chips

I'd say you'll get a reply by Friday with some outlandish excuse. Even if there is a cast iron reason for what happened, it doesn't matter. You want more now than he's offering you, so your relationship is over anyway.

You can choose to reply to his excuse if you want, or you can just ignore all attempts at communication.

What sort of mess is his life in that he can't be in a relationship? And are you sure you're the only one he's been seeing? Irrelevant anyway. Move on.

Ursus Horribilis

Oh dear. What a terrible story and what an absolute ass he is. If anything good is to come of this, it's that you're finally rid of this waste of space. He has form when it comes to treating you like crap and perhaps that would've continued if it wasn't for what happened. It's unfortunate that your arrangement imploded in such a cringeworthy fashion but it's done now. As the days and the hours move on, this will start to feel less raw.

As the others have pointed out, you didn't make a mess of anything. Unless being nice and being human are pre-requisites. It's all too easy to send texts like yours when you're hurt. Trying to resist sending these things when your emotions are running high is a very big ask. You can't change what happened in the past but you can do something about the future. Hopefully now that he's not a part of it, you might have a chance at meeting someone who is better than him.

Colser

There's absolutely no excuse in the world that can justify what he did to ..it's one of the worse things I've ever heard tbh and my heart genuinely goes out to you.

Don't even think about the text you sent him..he deserved that and more.Don't be tempted to reply to him if he ever contacts you again..better to be alone forever than to be with a horrible dipstick like him.

Enjoy your family and if you meet someone else don't let them treat you like that...I'm fuming even thinking about it and I don't even know you..what an absolute p***k...forget about him and remember that this is about him,you did nothing wrong.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. I can't seem to get the quote thingy to work. But the reason I put up with it was because I always felt bad for him with the excuses he made. He seemed to be genuinely having a really bad time in his life. His work was taking a lot out of him. He was running his friends business for him because the friend couldn't cope and all the problems were coming to him. He had no time off and all of the problems of owning a business and none of the perks of being the owner. He was living in a house share with a group of lads in a house his friend owned. It all blew up and he lost his job and his home and ended up broke and homeless and it took a while to get back on his feet.

He kind of told me he loved me in a way that he didn't really say it outright but he also hinted that if everything in his life worked out better we could have been together properly. Maybe I was a fool for believing him but I tend to take people at face value. It's gotten me in trouble before.

I actually did delete his number but after a few drinks I was feeling miserable and wanted answers from him so found a way to get it back through gmail which makes it worse and more pathetic. I ended up saying way more than I meant to. I don't normally drink much. So probably a good idea to lay off it for a while if that's the effect it has on me. Anyway he knows now so no taking it back. I'll just have to try and get on with it and try to put him behind me

rainbowtrout

That's just downright cruel behaviour. He knew well he was never going to turn up, but set you up for a fall, and left you out of pocket as well. What a horrible human being. It's not your fault that he's such a prick OP. But like others said, delete him from your phone/social media, and under no circumstances reply to him if he tries to get in contact with you.

Daisy78

First off happy birthday, I hope you did something nice to celebrate such a big milestone It's such a pity that something as unpleasant as this had to happen on what should have been a happy occasion.

I completely agree with the poster above, what a cruel man to do something so heartless. I think you know yourself that the writing was on the wall as regards his feelings towards you. I really don't get how people can do this to another person, this ghosting ****e. You can be sure that he has pulled this kind of stunt before and no doubt he will try it again with some other poor woman. All you can do is chalk it up to experience, take the silver lining of not having this poor excuse of a man in your life any more and move on. The one upside to this kind of thing is that it makes you appreciate the decent man when he comes along.

Airyfairy12

You could start by not chasing after men that clearly dont care or respect you. I know you have feelings for him but theres more to relationships than strong feelings which clearly seem to be one sided. Step back and evaluate yourself and what you want in a relationship. Id be blocking him on all social media.

mf1977

Thanks for the replies. I wrote a post but it doesn't seem to have gone through so I signed up. I can't get the quote thingy to work but I'll try to answer some of the questions.

I think the reason I put up with his excuses was that I felt bad for what he was going through. He genuinely seemed to be having a really bad time in his life. His job was wearing him out. He was running his friends business because his friend couldn't cope. He never had any time off or time to himself. All the problems came to his door. He had all the stress and problems of owning a business without the perks. He was living in a house share with a load of young lads in a house the friend owned and wasn't happy about that. It all blew up between him and his friend and he lost his job and his home. He ended up broke and homeless. It took a while to get back on his feet and a lot of his friends weren't there for him.

He told me he loved me in a roundabout way without actually saying it. And he hinted and have me hope that if his life was better we could have been together properly. I was probably a fool for believing him but I take people at face value. It's gotten me in trouble before.

The thing is I deleted his number but last night I was so miserable and wanted answers from him so I found a way to get it back on gmail because my phone is android. That makes it even more pathetic. I dont normally drink much but i think I'll be giving ot a miss for a while if thats the way it affects me. Anyway he knows how I feel now and I can't take it back. So I'll just have to pick myself up and get on with my life without him in it.

Also I didn't chase after him. He was the one doing all the "chasing". He initiated the whole thing. It was always him who decided when he wanted to meet me and on his terms. I was always so worried about putting pressure on him and looking for things from him that he didn't want to give me I left it to him.

rainbowtrout

mf1977 wrote: »

I think the reason I put up with his excuses was that I felt bad for what he was going through. He genuinely seemed to be having a really bad time in his life. His job was wearing him out. He was running his friends business because his friend couldn't cope. He never had any time off or time to himself. All the problems came to his door. He had all the stress and problems of owning a business without the perks. He was living in a house share with a load of young lads in a house the friend owned and wasn't happy about that. It all blew up between him and his friend and he lost his job and his home. He ended up broke and homeless. It took a while to get back on his feet and a lot of his friends weren't there for him.

He told me he loved me in a roundabout way without actually saying it. And he hinted and have me hope that if his life was better we could have been together properly. I was probably a fool for believing him but I take people at face value. It's gotten me in trouble before.

You didn't do anything wrong by believing him. A lot of people have been in difficult situations, particularly in the last 10 years, workwise, homewise, financially.

But, what you do need to remember is that roundabout way of saying he loved you wasn't him telling you he loved you at all. It was just enough words to keep you reeled in, he threw you enough scraps from the table to keep you interested. People who love you don't tell you to book a hotel room and then not show up.

mf1977 wrote: »

The thing is I deleted his number but last night I was so miserable and wanted answers from him so I found a way to get it back on gmail because my phone is android. That makes it even more pathetic. I dont normally drink much but i think I'll be giving ot a miss for a while if thats the way it affects me. Anyway he knows how I feel now and I can't take it back. So I'll just have to pick myself up and get on with my life without him in it.

Delete his number again. What good is going to come of this? You're probably hoping there is some miraculous explanation for his cruel behaviour, but I think deep down you probably know that this is him. he doesn't care for, or love or respect you. You only prolong the damage to your mental health by keeping that phone number in your phone waiting him to ring or text with an explanation or considering contacting yourself because you can.


I can guarantee you one of three things will happen.

1. You'll never hear from him again because he wanted to finish the friends with benefits arrangement but was too cowardly to just be honest and call it a day.

2. You'll hear from him in a couple of weeks when he thinks you've got over it and he'll try and worm his way back in with a flimsy excuse.

Or 3. He doesn't really care either way if he sees you again, but if you cave in, in a few weeks time and text him it will end up going something like this -you'll text him and say 'I thought you were a decent person and we had something going on, the very least you could have done was returned my calls' and he'll wait a day or two and then reply with something along the lines of 'Sorry I've been busy the last while, how are you' It won't address your concerns, it won't be an apology, it will be like the hotel incident never happened, it will hit your weak spot - wanting to see him again and wanting things to be ok, and meeting him will be your acceptance of his bad behaviour, and bam, you're back to square one.

None of those outcomes are nice or good for you. Delete the number. The best case scenario is that you never hear from him again. That way it's easier to move on.

mf1977 wrote: »

Also I didn't chase after him. He was the one doing all the "chasing". He initiated the whole thing. It was always him who decided when he wanted to meet me and on his terms. I was always so worried about putting pressure on him and looking for things from him that he didn't want to give me I left it to him.

But always on his terms, never yours. If you made any suggestion of wanting more, there was the threat of him opting out, not being in the right place for a relationship, he knew you liked him more than he liked you, so he used it to his advantage to feed his ego and have everything on his terms.


I'm not saying any of this to be cruel or critical. I've had the experience of this kind of guy. Didn't have an experience like you did on your birthday, but overall the same patterns occurred. Finished it, and cut contact. He got into a serious long term relationship soon after. All of the 'I'm not in a position to commit to a relationship excuses clearly didn't apply' Ran into him again a year or two ago, he hasn't changed. This guy won't either.


Chin up, OP. This is going to feel like shit for a good while, but you will get over it in time. And you won't fall into the same trap again. You'll know the warning signs.

daisybelle2008

mf1977 wrote: »

He genuinely seemed to be having a really bad time in his life. His job was wearing him out. He was running his friends business because his friend couldn't cope. He never had any time off or time to himself. All the problems came to his door. He had all the stress and problems of owning a business without the perks. He was living in a house share with a load of young lads in a house the friend owned and wasn't happy about that. It all blew up between him and his friend and he lost his job and his home. He ended up broke and homeless. It took a while to get back on his feet and a lot of his friends weren't there for him.

He told me he loved me in a roundabout way without actually saying it. And he hinted and have me hope that if his life was better we could have been together properly.


So I'll just have to pick myself up and get on with my life without him in it.

OP, none that BS yarn is true. He is a liar and a loser. The friends business and job never existed.
Have you been to his home,this 'houseshare'? Place of work or meet any of his friends or family?

You have been spared, count yourself lucky and don't sell yourself so short in future.

mf1977

rainbowtrout wrote: »

Delete his number again. What good is going to come of this?

I've deleted his number again. Feels like sh1t to think he played me so well and also at the same time to think that I still feel for him knowing that he was treating me like a fool.

A lot of the posts have been saying that I could meet someone better in the future and I know I'll get over him in time but to be honest I don't think I could ever trust anyone again. I took everything he told me at face value. It's how I've always been and look where it's gotten me. Ive always been too trusting. Now I dont know if I can believe anything he told me. If what some of you have suggested is true and he's really married it makes me feel sick to my stomach.

It's just been a bad weekend in general and I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself so I think I just have to cop on and pick myself up and get on with it I suppose.

Skibunny77

Op, it is human nature to look for answers and I think you were perfectly entitled to send that email. All contact should stop now and you should ignore the inevitable contact from him. Think about it, imagine you treated someone the way he treated you and yet they came back for more. What would you think about them? Most likely you would lose respect for them and think they were desperate or pathetic to tolerate your behaviour. If they have no standards in how they are treated why should you apply any in how you treat them? You are right to feel distressed and upset, please use this emotion positively- set standards that make you feel good about yourself and send out the right message to prospective partners.

lawred2

He's married.

And a cnut.

Big Bag of Chips

There are shtty people in the world, OP, but please don't let that put you off meeting someone else. They are in a minority. Don't change the person you are because one person you met is an arsehole. You will move on and be happy, while he will continue to be a miserable bastard for the rest of his life.

Please, resist the temptation to make any more contact with him. Because if you do, the only certainty is, that he will make you feel worse about yourself. If you start to question him or expose him for the fake that he is, he WILL turn nasty, and he WILL say very hurtful (and untrue) things to you.

You now have the upper hand, keep it by never ever contacting him again. Ever. No matter how tempting. Block him on everything. I know the curiosity will be there to check if he's trying to contact you, and that is understandable, but please know that no good can possibly come out of replying to anything he sends you.

You've done nothing wrong, so don't change who you are or how you are around people.

rainbowtrout

mf1977 wrote: »

Feels like sh1t to think he played me so well and also at the same time to think that I still feel for him knowing that he was treating me like a fool.

A lot of the posts have been saying that I could meet someone better in the future and I know I'll get over him in time but to be honest I don't think I could ever trust anyone again. I took everything he told me at face value.

OP it's still very raw. It will take time but you are unlikely to have to deal with this ever again.

Next time you are dating someone you will be aware of the signals if they are pulling the 'I'm not looking for a relationship' card. You will be able to say 'well I am' and know that your wants and needs are as valid as theirs and to let them go if you're not on the same page.

What he told you about himself is probably not all that relevant in the greater scheme of things. He could have treated you like a princess and still had a wife in the background he was cheating on.

Being with him was probably like a drug OP. A great high when ye were together and you were happy, and then a low when you were looking forward to meeting him and he would cancel without explanation.

You will be able to trust again. But in the future you will be finely attuned to BS detection and if you see the same pattern emerge, you'll know to call time straight away.

ncmc

mf1977 wrote: »

I've deleted his number again. Feels like sh1t to think he played me so well and also at the same time to think that I still feel for him knowing that he was treating me like a fool.

A lot of the posts have been saying that I could meet someone better in the future and I know I'll get over him in time but to be honest I don't think I could ever trust anyone again. I took everything he told me at face value. It's how I've always been and look where it's gotten me. Ive always been too trusting. Now I dont know if I can believe anything he told me. If what some of you have suggested is true and he's really married it makes me feel sick to my stomach.

It's just been a bad weekend in general and I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself so I think I just have to cop on and pick myself up and get on with it I suppose.

Maybe you will meet someone, maybe you won’t. None of us can see into the future and at the moment it’s understandable to be much too raw and much too hurt to think about leaving yourself open and vulnerable in the future. But here’s the thing, most people are pretty decent, most people are pretty honest and open about what they want. You were unlucky and met a bad ‘un and all you can do is take it as a valuable lesson. You don’t have to be immediately distrustful of people in the future, but at the same time, it’s no harm keeping a level head and being aware of warning signs. If a guy likes you, he will make an effort to see you and be open to a relationship. If there’s sneaking around, cancelling at short notice, only meeting on his terms etc., well then that’s a warning sign and something to be alert for in future.

Well done on blocking his number, I know it’s hard and the temptation to unblock him will be very strong at times, but keep yourself busy, ensconce yourself with friends and family and ride out these few weeks. It will get better and you’ll soon realise what a lucky escape you had!

Neyite

lawred2 wrote: »

He's married.

And a cnut.

This would be my guess too. Have you actually ever been to his flat share, seen his home, where he lives, met his friends or family?

If he cared about you, you would have got a text. Stuff happens. People get sick or cars break down or whatever, but you text the person as soon as you know you've to cancel meeting them. It's basic manners.

He's stood you up several times. He's hinted enough to keep you hanging on hoping for more but never actually let it develop into anything more. He's a player and he did a really sh!t thing to you. Hold your head up here, you did nothing wrong. He deserved a few home truths.

leggo

OP you're being REALLY hard on yourself, unnecessarily. If I walk up to someone and spin them a yarn about my life that sounds plausible and they believe me, that makes me a liar and a weirdo, not them stupid for believing me.

I've been unfortunate enough to know some lads that sound exactly like this guy, as some girls I know have encountered them. They're great at starting relationships, charming as anything with girls at the start, promising them the sun and the moon, which they can do because they know it's all crap and there's nothing there. If you've no intentions of fulfilling it, it's easy to promise someone an all-expenses trip to Paris after all because it's just empty words.

The reality, when you see it, is that there's generally nothing there beyond that. Maybe a drink problem is all that's behind the magic curtain. And what's most pathetic about that is that these lads clearly realise as much and go with it. How sad is that when you think about it?!

You're not the pathetic one here by a long stretch. You believed some guy when you had no reason not to. Maybe, in the future once you process all of this (and give yourself time to do so), you'll come away from it with some triggers to look out for that will help you spot these kind of people a mile off in the future. But that's life, we live and learn, and sadly the only way we learn is through experience. Don't beat yourself up about it. You'll be better for having been through this in the future.

jjcczz1221

He is doing you a favour by not showing up and playing you like this, so that you can eventually see who he really is. Time to move on, find someone who treats you better cause you deserve it.

gsi300024v

I'm lost on the how you made a mess of things? Where did you do tat?

Merkin

Happy Birthday to you I would view this horrible experience as a very valuable lesson and see it as a birthday gift tbh. This guy is a baxturd, most probably married, who doesn't care for you in the slightest. Anybody who did this to another person simply has no respect or regard for them so at least you know this now.

Dixie Chick

God, thats is calculated and cruel. I would not be a bit mortified by having a go over text while drunk. Who cares what he thinks of you...he is a horrible person. I hope you are well rid

mf1977

Thanks again for all the replies and advice. I definitely won't be contacting him again or replying to him if he contacts me which I doubt he will now. I suppose I was blinded by the fact that he seemed so nice and genuine and the things he said to me made me feel so good about myself which I'm not really used to feeling. I probably missed a lot of warning signs that I shouldn't have.

To answer your questions no I've never been to his home or met any of his family or friends. Regarding his home I just thought it was awkward for him because he shared a house with young lads who worked for him. I thought it wasn't that kind of relationship where I would meet his friends or family because he was straight with me about keeping it casual. So I never asked him about it. I should have realised he was probably keeping me a secret for other reasons.

After my relationship with my daughters father ended very badly (he was violent and a rapist) I spent most of my twenties and thirties focussed on her. I went back to College and got a new career so I just didn't have any time for men or relationships. I steered well clear of the whole thing. It's only in the last couple of years I've started dating again so I probably didnt learn all I should have about the whole dating /relationship thing and was very naive going in for someone of my age.

leggo

To be fair, dating these days can be a minefield for even seasoned daters! You've been through a lot and sound like a really admirable person, I'm sorry this has happened to you, but if you look at how you've bounced back from past adversity, you'll easily bounce back from this a stronger person and this douche will just be a memory.

gsi300024v

mf1977 wrote: »

Thanks again for all the replies and advice. I definitely won't be contacting him again or replying to him if he contacts me which I doubt he will now. I suppose I was blinded by the fact that he seemed so nice and genuine and the things he said to me made me feel so good about myself which I'm not really used to feeling. I probably missed a lot of warning signs that I shouldn't have.

To answer your questions no I've never been to his home or met any of his family or friends. Regarding his home I just thought it was awkward for him because he shared a house with young lads who worked for him. I thought it wasn't that kind of relationship where I would meet his friends or family because he was straight with me about keeping it casual. So I never asked him about it. I should have realised he was probably keeping me a secret for other reasons.

After my relationship with my daughters father ended very badly (he was violent and a rapist) I spent most of my twenties and thirties focussed on her. I went back to College and got a new career so I just didn't have any time for men or relationships. I steered well clear of the whole thing. It's only in the last couple of years I've started dating again so I probably didnt learn all I should have about the whole dating /relationship thing and was very naive going in for someone of my age.

Is there anyone you trust and would take their advice?
It seems you got far into a not great relationship with a person. Maybe if you'd a good friend who has a good relationship you could say how things were going with them until you learnt a bit more what was normal. Did you parents have a not so great relationship? Often if we don't learn from them we don't learn at all. Have you ever been to counselling? I can't see you valuing yourself if you put up with this? If i never met anyone they new or was at their place i'd smell a rat after a month or two.

Big Bag of Chips

Not necessarily, gsi300024v. I think we'd all like to say we'd be wise and we'd cop on soon enough, but I'm not so sure many of us would! It's easy to be wise after the event and to start seeing things for what they really were. But I think in your case OP, this was a casual arrangement. He said he didn't want a relationship and at the time you were happy with that too. I certainly wouldn't be expecting to be introduced to family or friends if I was casually seeing someone, and if they told me they lived in a houseshare I wouldn't necessarily want to visit their house and meet all their housemates.

I think you were duped by a very manipulative man, and that is not necessarily down to your naivety. If you want to take any blame for this you can say you were nice, in that you treat people with respect and don't need to play games with them, and as a result you just expect that other people are the same. Most people are, so you're really not wrong.

I would much rather be naive and believe the best of everyone, until they prove otherwise, rather than be sceptical and cynical about everyone I meet and have my guard up waiting for them to turn out to be arseholes!

Don't change who you are. There's no need to. You'll know now to call it a day quicker if someone starts flaking on you or keeping you at arms length when you want something more. But that doesn't mean you have to change the person you are. It just means you've learnt from history that a relationship that isn't smooth sailing from the beginning is not going to become smooth sailing in the future.

professore

mf1977 wrote: »

I think the reason I put up with his excuses was that I felt bad for what he was going through. He genuinely seemed to be having a really bad time in his life. His job was wearing him out. He was running his friends business because his friend couldn't cope.

The humble brag. I'm so smart to run a business and also so caring. What a load of crap. Very clever though as it also implies he has no money to spend on you.

mf1977 wrote: »

He never had any time off or time to himself.

He's married.

mf1977 wrote: »

All the problems came to his door. He had all the stress and problems of owning a business without the perks. He was living in a house share with a load of young lads in a house the friend owned and wasn't happy about that. It all blew up between him and his friend and he lost his job and his home. He ended up broke and homeless. It took a while to get back on his feet and a lot of his friends weren't there for him.

Assuming this is true, they weren't there for him because he's an asshole. It's not true. Maybe he has a drug problem?

mf1977 wrote: »

He told me he loved me in a roundabout way without actually saying it. And he hinted and have me hope that if his life was better we could have been together properly. I was probably a fool for believing him but I take people at face value. It's gotten me in trouble before.

How do you tell someone you love them in a roundabout way?

mf1977 wrote: »

The thing is I deleted his number but last night I was so miserable and wanted answers from him so I found a way to get it back on gmail because my phone is android. That makes it even more pathetic. I dont normally drink much but i think I'll be giving ot a miss for a while if thats the way it affects me. Anyway he knows how I feel now and I can't take it back. So I'll just have to pick myself up and get on with my life without him in it.

Also I didn't chase after him. He was the one doing all the "chasing". He initiated the whole thing. It was always him who decided when he wanted to meet me and on his terms. I was always so worried about putting pressure on him and looking for things from him that he didn't want to give me I left it to him.

Now he's decisive and take charge but can only tell you he loves you in a roundabout way? More red flags here than a march in North Korea.

Time to move on OP. This guy is not worth it. If a guy loves you he tells you and makes your birthday special, or if something comes in the way (e.g. a death in the family) he tells you beforehand and doesn't leave you sitting there. That's what decent guys do. This guy isn't a decent guy.

mf1977

gsi300024v wrote: »

Did you parents have a not so great relationship? Often if we don't learn from them we don't learn at all. Have you ever been to counselling?

My parents relationship was good - they're still together. I've been to counselling before, but it was child abuse counselling (it was someone outside my family). As you can guess life hasn't always been great for me and as an adult I haven't made the best choices regarding men - a violent rapist who is my child's father and only one other relationship before this current car crash that was a year long headmelt which my counsellor was more interested in focussing on than the rape or child abuse.

professore wrote: »

How do you tell someone you love them in a roundabout way?

"I've waited a long time for love like this to come along and now it comes when my life is too f**ked up to do anything about it."

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Don't change who you are. There's no need to. You'll know now to call it a day quicker if someone starts flaking on you or keeping you at arms length when you want something more. But that doesn't mean you have to change the person you are. It just means you've learnt from history that a relationship that isn't smooth sailing from the beginning is not going to become smooth sailing in the future.

Thanks I'll keep that in mind. In the beginning I was happy for it to be casual, but as time wore on I wanted more. I think deep down I'm not really suited to a casual relationship or friends with benefits set up.

Big Bag of Chips

mf1977 wrote: »

I think deep down I'm not really suited to a casual relationship or friends with benefits set up.

Well then that's something positive that has come from this. You now have a better idea of what you're looking for, so will be more selective in trying to find it. Don't be too hard on yourself. The most savvy and clued in people can get conned by someone manipulative enough. You believed everything he told you because.. why wouldn't you? You're honest, so you assume everyone else is. And luckily most people are.

You have obviously been through a lot, and you are working through it, and whether you realise it or not, you are getting stronger, and you're figuring out what is and isn't acceptable to you now. That's the whole purpose of counselling.

I know this stings, but honestly, all I can see from it are positives. And if you look at it from a different angle you will see positives too.

MintyMagnum

Middleagedmess wrote: »

Thanks for the replies. I can't seem to get the quote thingy to work. But the reason I put up with it was because I always felt bad for him with the excuses he made. He seemed to be genuinely having a really bad time in his life. His work was taking a lot out of him. He was running his friends business for him because the friend couldn't cope and all the problems were coming to him. He had no time off and all of the problems of owning a business and none of the perks of being the owner. He was living in a house share with a group of lads in a house his friend owned. It all blew up and he lost his job and his home and ended up broke and homeless and it took a while to get back on his feet.

He kind of told me he loved me in a way that he didn't really say it outright but he also hinted that if everything in his life worked out better we could have been together properly. Maybe I was a fool for believing him but I tend to take people at face value. It's gotten me in trouble before.

I actually did delete his number but after a few drinks I was feeling miserable and wanted answers from him so found a way to get it back through gmail which makes it worse and more pathetic. I ended up saying way more than I meant to. I don't normally drink much. So probably a good idea to lay off it for a while if that's the effect it has on me. Anyway he knows now so no taking it back. I'll just have to try and get on with it and try to put him behind me

Judge people by their actions & not their words is the advice I'd give u. I just have to remember to apply it to my own life!

mf1977

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Well then that's something positive that has come from this. You now have a better idea of what you're looking for, so will be more selective in trying to find it. Don't be too hard on yourself. The most savvy and clued in people can get conned by someone manipulative enough. You believed everything he told you because.. why wouldn't you? You're honest, so you assume everyone else is. And luckily most people are.

I've always thought that the majority of people were decent and honest. It's just it seems my radar or whatever you call it to recognise the few who aren't is broken. Like my last (only real other) relationship before this. He promised me everything - marriage, family the works. We were supposed to get engaged on his birthday. But he played games with my head. Like when I was in hospital with depression after a suicide attempt he would text saying he didnt know if he wanted to be together, then give out to me until he had me in tears for hurting him and not fighting for him when I said it was ok if he wanted to break up. He ended up really breaking my heart and had a way of doing it that it seemed like it was my fault. I recently found out he got into a relationship with another woman while I was in hospital and continued seeing her for the rest of the time we were together. They're still together.

Im so tired of it. I seem to have a magnet for men who are bad news. Ever since I was 5 years old and that old pervert put his eye on me. This latest one I think is just the last straw. I see my parents and my siblings in happy loving healthy relationships and just wonder why I keep getting it so wrong.

professore

mf1977 wrote: »

I've always thought that the majority of people were decent and honest. It's just it seems my radar or whatever you call it to recognise the few who aren't is broken. Like my last (only real other) relationship before this. He promised me everything - marriage, family the works. We were supposed to get engaged on his birthday. But he played games with my head. Like when I was in hospital with depression after a suicide attempt he would text saying he didnt know if he wanted to be together, then give out to me until he had me in tears for hurting him and not fighting for him when I said it was ok if he wanted to break up. He ended up really breaking my heart and had a way of doing it that it seemed like it was my fault. I recently found out he got into a relationship with another woman while I was in hospital and continued seeing her for the rest of the time we were together. They're still together.

Im so tired of it. I seem to have a magnet for men who are bad news. Ever since I was 5 years old and that old pervert put his eye on me. This latest one I think is just the last straw. I see my parents and my siblings in happy loving healthy relationships and just wonder why I keep getting it so wrong.

Maybe try a more casual approach? Go out with a few guys just for the fun of it with no expectations? Try out some that are not your "type" as maybe your "type" is really unsuitable for you? Get to know what YOU want from a relationship.

As I read it you've only had two real relationships in your life, both really serious. If you are buying shoes, do you buy the first pair you try on, even though they are a bit tight and match nothing you have? No, you try on several pairs - and don't get upset when some of them don't suit you. Dating is the same.

seenitall

Hi OP,

I'm in my forties, with a young child, whose dad was abusive (to be fair, I always gave as good as I got, but that's not the point here - it was a highly toxic relationship). In order to choose someone like that to father my child - well, you know what follows here, I had a lonely and abusive childhood growing up under the boot of a narcissistic parent. When you grow up with a trauma of some kind, you grow up to seek out and replicate that kind of trauma for yourself again. Why? Because it is familiar. So I ended up with a self-centred manipulator for a husband.

After that, I went into counselling/therapy. For years. And I was still making mistakes, for years. My last ex was yet another variation on the old theme.

At one point I told both my brother and a friend: this is it, I am SO done, I am donner than done, no more men for me, it just doesn't work. And I meant it! I had come to a point where I was truly ok with eternal singledom, knowing that I would be fine and even thrive with it, although I wasn't exactly deliriously happy about it.

Two weeks later, by chance, I met my OH, who I feel is probably the love of my life Kind, considerate, respectful, sweet, handsome, silly, funny, smart and caring, so caring. And I feel so lucky now. I am being treated better that I had ever been in my life, it still feels a bit strange and the adjustment to the normal, healthy kind of partnership is still ongoing.

This is my point: getting counselling is good, probably even vital for people like us. We need to rehash the past and its consequences until we are bored with the sound of our own voices. It took me years to work out all the anger, all the fears, all the pain. And I am not sure that I am quite done yet, or that I will ever be quite done with that process. Somewhere, however, gradually and imperceptibly within that process, something happens where we start to heal and mend and feel better and better about ourselves and our futures. And that translates into starting to make better choices for ourselves, and into feeling good about not making any choices either, about just staying put and happy to stay single, as well.

Well, what happened to me next is that this loving, giving man came along and I found myself madly attracted to him and grabbed him before the poor man had a chance to utter his phone number

There are lots of lovely men out there, I can now see they are practically everywhere I look, but I had to come into the frame of mind to be able to see it and appreciate it, and the road to that moment was very long, lonely and arduous. But it had to be done. We who have been damaged in the past have to do this work to get to love and happiness, much more than other people. It is not right or fair, but that's the way it is.

Keep up with the Counselling, OP, and if you notice it is not working, change the counsellor. I changed a few of them over the years.

One day this work on yourself will pay off and everything will fall into place in one way or another. It is true, what they say, though: You have to be happy with yourself, and with being single, first.

Best wishes!

Neyite

I'd also endorse what Seenitall has said, my own experience would be a milder version of hers and the outcome pretty identical. We are drawn to the familiar more than we realise. And if our 'familiar' is out of kilter then so too are our choices that we base on them.

That's not to say you are making a mess or making mistakes - I believe that often the mistakes we make can be healthy learning or growing experiences for us. This is a learning curve for you - that's a good thing. The next time you have a few dates with a guy who seems a bit...off- you'll spot it and move on before you become emotionally involved. You'll spot the married one a mile off. Dating is a numbers game, and you'll meet all sorts of people who are nice and not so nice that you might have zero chemistry with and these experiences will stand to you. Google Relationship Red Flags - there is no absolute or definite list and not all will apply to your dates but there are lots of early warning signs that the person you are getting to know is a wrong 'un for you.

I dated someone years ago that in hindsight had to have been married or in a serious relationship. But it was only noticeable after about 6 months. Some of these players are really expert level. Mine even fooled my highly cynical and suspicious best friend who normally had freaky levels of perceptiveness. So this is not your fault. It's his. Wholly and entirely.

I think you need to pat yourself on the back here. You got you and your child out of a relationship that was highly abusive - that takes strength and guts. You are going to therapy and working on you - that takes courage and determination. You are putting yourself back out there dating despite your previous experiences. That shows that you are a nice person and see the best in people (even if sometimes that is wasted on someone undeserving) - it's a lovely quality to have. So stop being so hard on yourself

mf1977

professore wrote: »

Maybe try a more casual approach? Go out with a few guys just for the fun of it with no expectations? Try out some that are not your "type" as maybe your "type" is really unsuitable for you? Get to know what YOU want from a relationship.

Thanks. I might try and give that a go when I feel a bit more up to it.

professore wrote: »

As I read it you've only had two real relationships in your life, both really serious.

Yes that's true. I met my daughter's father when I was 24 and had her and left him when I was 25. After him there was no one until 3 years ago so that's about 12 years. He put me off for a while! I've never really had a relationship where there was much fun. They were all fairly tough going and ended up being a lot of hard work so I think that's something I missed out on.

seenitall wrote: »

When you grow up with a trauma of some kind, you grow up to seek out and replicate that kind of trauma for yourself again. Why? Because it is familiar. So I ended up with a self-centred manipulator for a husband.

My counsellor told me that because the abuse happened when I was so young I wasn't able to process it properly. Because he was a pillar of the community type and therefore "good" I subconsciously assumed that it was me that was bad and was wrong. That the things he did to me were somehow down to me. So in my heart I don't think I really deserve any better treatment than I get. When my boyfriend raped me I basically didn't expect any better. It took me 12 years to tell anyone it had happened. I blamed myself. I think I still do to sone extent . I thought I was moving past that. Looks like I still have more work to do because I still seem to be accepting people treating me like crap. Thanks for sharing your story and I'm glad it worked out for you in the end!

Neyite wrote: »

That's not to say you are making a mess or making mistakes - I believe that often the mistakes we make can be healthy learning or growing experiences for us. This is a learning curve for you - that's a good thing. The next time you have a few dates with a guy who seems a bit...off- you'll spot it and move on before you become emotionally involved. You'll spot the married one a mile off. Dating is a numbers game, and you'll meet all sorts of people who are nice and not so nice that you might have zero chemistry with and these experiences will stand to you. Google Relationship Red Flags - there is no absolute or definite list and not all will apply to your dates but there are lots of early warning signs that the person you are getting to know is a wrong 'un for you.

I dated someone years ago that in hindsight had to have been married or in a serious relationship. But it was only noticeable after about 6 months. Some of these players are really expert level. Mine even fooled my highly cynical and suspicious best friend who normally had freaky levels of perceptiveness. So this is not your fault. It's his. Wholly and entirely.

I hope at least I've learned how to spot the married ones. It sickens me that he might be married. It's not something I would ever do. Hopefully my radar will work a bit better after all this. This guy was definitely expert level. I even invited him to stay in my house when I thought he was homeless. He seemed so plausible. But even then when he was supposedly sleeping in his car he wouldn't let me come out to him with a hot drink or some blankets. One of his excuses for standing me up was that he had been done for drink driving because he was sleeping in his car with a can of beer open - he hadnt been driving- and couldn't call me from the cells.

Neyite wrote: »

I think you need to pat yourself on the back here. You got you and your child out of a relationship that was highly abusive - that takes strength and guts. You are going to therapy and working on you - that takes courage and determination. You are putting yourself back out there dating despite your previous experiences. That shows that you are a nice person and see the best in people (even if sometimes that is wasted on someone undeserving) - it's a lovely quality to have. So stop being so hard on yourself

Thanks I'll try.

amtc

Sometimes there are really obvious red flags that for whatever reason we choose to ignore. I know a very wise old family friend who counsels that you should never trust anyone who says you can trust them...as you shouldn't have to be told. In my past I dated a guy for a year...little things like his location data was turned off on his phone, he had to work late, his home phone wasn't working (for 9 months yet he worked for eir in a senior role, paid for all on cash and just the way he mentioned a certain girl's name whereas I was always darling or sweetie. Surprise surprise not only was he married but also had another girl pregnant. Only found this out as he left his laptop with me one day and had to get me to access his email.

One thing don't beat yourself up over sending texts or emails. If you have to do it do. It can be helpful to write it down and burn it.

To do this on your birthday...your own special day...is low.

If it's any consolation all my situation happened around my 40th...not the actual day though...but I can look back and whilst I can't smile I can remember the good bits.

Be good to yourself.

mf1977

So Big Bag of Chips has a gift. You were right - he texted me this evening. I admit I was weak to reply but I needed answers as to why he stood me up. He apparently forgot his phone when he left the office on Friday - left it charging on his desk. He had answers for everything. He had no credit to text me. Begging for forgiveness. He's not married.

He wanted to meet me to repay me the money for the room tomorrow so I wouldn't be out of pocket. Anyway I asked him straight out what he wanted from me and it's just sex. I told him I wanted more than that now and he said that he was sorry the last thing he wanted to do was hurt me and his life was in too much of a mess for anything else and he hoped I'd find the right man for me. But he kept talking and things got a little heated as they always do and now he wants to meet tomorrow. :-(

I know I'm weak,but I've never felt with anyone the way I feel when I'm with him. I'm all over the place.

Tigger99

If he just wanted to repay you, he could transfer it into your account.

His words say one thing, but his actions - wanting to meet you just for sex despite you telling him you want a lot more - say another.

He couldn't give a flying fcuk about your feelings.

rainbowtrout

OP I posted this earlier on in the thread

I can guarantee you one of three things will happen.

1. You'll never hear from him again because he wanted to finish the friends with benefits arrangement but was too cowardly to just be honest and call it a day.

2. You'll hear from him in a couple of weeks when he thinks you've got over it and he'll try and worm his way back in with a flimsy excuse.

Or 3. He doesn't really care either way if he sees you again, but if you cave in, in a few weeks time and text him it will end up going something like this -you'll text him and say 'I thought you were a decent person and we had something going on, the very least you could have done was returned my calls' and he'll wait a day or two and then reply with something along the lines of 'Sorry I've been busy the last while, how are you' It won't address your concerns, it won't be an apology, it will be like the hotel incident never happened, it will hit your weak spot - wanting to see him again and wanting things to be ok, and meeting him will be your acceptance of his bad behaviour, and bam, you're back to square one.

None of those outcomes are nice or good for you. Delete the number. The best case scenario is that you never hear from him again. That way it's easier to move on.

He is textbook.

He's left you hanging for a week, but now it's friday night and he's looking for his booty call. Please don't cave in.

He didn't need his phone to get to the hotel. If he really wanted to contact you he would have managed it, if you meant anything to him. Plenty of methods on social media. You can ring people through facebook without having their number.

He wants to meet you, to worm his way back in. And if you cave now he knows it's open season to treat you like absolute ****e and get away with it. And you don't deserve that. He's also told you straight out that he only wants sex. He's not lying when he says that, that is the truth. You want more, so this will never work, so you need to cut contact.

I think it would be a bad idea to meet him, as he will try to manipulate you. He knows you are vulnerable now. If you can do without the money, well and good, treat it as a lesson learned. If you really need the money back, tell him to post it to you or to drop it in somewhere you can collect so you don't have to meet him.

No good is going to come of this meeting and he will only fcuk with your head, and you will be six months down the line wondering why he has stood you up on another night out, when he's told you straight out you're getting nothing from him. His wording is especially manipulative, he's told you he doesn't want to hurt your feelings which makes you think 'oh he does care about me, he doesn't want to hurt me' but he's told you he just wants you for sex. Anyone knowing you wanted more, that respected you, wouldn't do this to you. He's perfectly ok with hurting you. Your feelings are not on his priority list.

Good luck OP.