My Husband Disgusts Me

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Youre making assumptions about her relationships and pulling scenarios out of thin air while blaming her for this whole situation as she 'probably wasnt giving her partner enough attention' Seriously??

No, I'm simply providing another viewpoint. I asked a question. A valid question, informed by my own personal experience- not out of "thin air". No need to jump down my throat.

And please don't put quotation marks around something I NEVER said in my post. There's a big difference between rejecting the person you love sexually and not giving someone enough attention.

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Youre making assumptions about her relationships and pulling scenarios out of thin air while blaming her for this whole situation as she 'probably wasnt giving her partner enough attention' Seriously??

Then you have the audacity to tell her she should be grateful that he only got lapdances and didnt sleep with someone else.

Mod:

Airyfairy12 - one of the fundamental purposes of the PI/RI forum is that posters can come here to get other (sometimes differing and polarising) points of view. While you are within your rights not to agree with something posted here, I'd like you to consider that other posters view on the situation are equally valid as your own, before posting such a response here again.

Okay OP, let me play devil's advocate on some things just for the purposes of trying to help you and your marriage.

Husband Disgusts me wrote: »

Yes, I discussed it with him before he went. He knows my feelings and assured me that he had no interest. I have known him for 20 years.

You say "He knows my feelings." But what are they exactly, as communicated to him at the time? Did you say "You're not to go get any private lapdances!" or was it more general in saying, "I think those places are disgusting carry on" and he's like "Yeah, I know, they wouldn't be for me either..." Because perhaps if you were passive-aggressive about it and only said things in generalities, he may not have seen it as something that would actually upset you. In fact, the evidence would suggest that in that he came home and openly told you. I doubt he'd have done that if he clearly knew he would upset you.

There is a difference in my mind between being in one and getting dances.

Right, so now it starts to get confusing.

I was with a girl who was quite sensitive and insecure about this kind of stuff (not that I'd do it myself) and, from experience, the most draining thing was that she'd move the goalposts regularly after the fact, almost like she was trying to be offended and making the rules up as she went along to blame me for her insecurities. So she'd say one thing, then another thing would happen, then she'd blow a gasket at me for assuming I knew how she felt, when she only felt this way after the thing happened. And I explained to her before that if she constantly moved the goalposts to the point that I don't know what is and isn't acceptable to her anymore, eventually I'm just not going to respect her line at all because I'd be afraid to do anything for fear of upsetting her, and that's not reasonable on me.

You said above that he knows your feelings on lapdancing clubs. But then you said that it's okay to go into a club but not get a private dance. So, technically, while you're explaining it to me here and now...I don't know your feelings on the matter as they seem to contradict each other. And it seems like the trip switch is your insecurities about yourself, which seem volatile, like anything can set them off. So the general rule you're looking for him to abide by is, "Don't make me feel insecure," yet what does that seems to change within the context of one post here! So perhaps don't rely solely on him to make you feel secure within yourself.

It matters to me that his sleazy mind is picturing someone else while he is touching me. His almost first request when he got home was for me to 'dance' for him.

I totally get that. Don't get me wrong here: the one thing I'm not questioning is your feelings about what happened, and I'm absolutely not saying you should pretend to be happy and have sex at his request. But also you shouldn't rely on and punish him for when you feel insecure if he hasn't done anything horribly wrong.

I am not dramatic or overreactive.

You say that, but you've also said that your husband "disgusts you" (quite a dramatic leap if you hadn't had problems before this), and then you say this...

As for our sex life, we used to have sex on average twice a week. I never thought too much about my body, but clearly I am not young and now I know that I am not sexy in his eyes.

"I am not young and now I know I am not sexy in his eyes."

And yet he still wants to have sex with you...

...do you see why 'knowing you're not sexy in his eyes' can be construed as dramatic with the evidence at hand, especially when coupled with the above quote? Nobody thinks of themselves as dramatic, and yet some people are.

Again, I'm NOT saying your base feelings about this are wrong, but the conclusions you're leaping to as a result of them are WAY off-kilter given the facts...and VERY dramatic! I'm telling you this to try and get you to recognise that and also recognise some base facts:

• Your husband did not mean to try and hurt you, else he wouldn't have been so honest and oblivious to how this would upset you.
• Just because he finds other people attractive doesn't mean he doesn't find you attractive anymore. We ALL find other people attractive, even when we're committed to someone, it's natural and doesn't mean we don't love our partners.
• The fact that he still wants to have sex with you and recreate the experience with you indicates he IS still attracted to you, else he simply wouldn't do that.
• Our partners can't be responsible for holding our entire self-esteem within their hands. That's too much pressure to put on someone else's shoulders. Happiness in ourselves has to come from within. We can't punish others when we don't feel happy, else we're just setting ourselves up for inevitable disappointment.

Husband Disgusts me wrote: »

No, he knows very well how I feel about lapdancing clubs. I never said that I was ok with any of it, I know that he knew that. I do feel though that going into one is one thing but getting a private dance is another followed by a repeat visit and dance is another. One is a betrayal but the following stuff just ****s all over me.

No, the fact that he wants to have sex with me now does nothing for me. To be explicit, it used to be about mutual pleasure but now he wants to see me perform before 'he sticks his cock in me'. Does that sound attractive? It sounds repulsive to me. Nothing about that makes me feel good.

My ego and self esteem isn't his problem until he hurts me so that it is no longer in a place to satisfy him.

I have movedno goal posts. He told me that he thought that I wouldn't mind because I am not insecure about myself. Yeah, I am not young or my body isn't hot anymore but I knew that and was ok with it is his defence.

Irrespective of the situation - what a person considers to be a deal-breaker is their own business. It could be smoking, lap dances or just leaving the toilet seat up. But in a relationship, we set out for our partners what are deal breakers and what aren't. When we commit to someone we expect that they are mindful of our deal-breakers and vice versa.

Two key things stand out in this situation:
He knew it was something you'd consider a deal-breaker and did it anyway, and he has brought it into your sex life and expecting it to change - expecting you to change- to match the obviously exciting experience he found it. He's asking you to do certain acts that you dislike such as dance for him or talk dirty. And nobody should be expected to or forced to do things in bed that they find uncomfortable. That's not just a deal breaker, that's a serious goalpost shift from what you had previously.

The problem is though, that he's not taking on board how you feel. He probably thinks that he's spicing up your marriage, but from your point of view he's more or less tossed a grenade into it and you are wondering if anything is salvageable. He's not listening. Can you ask him for some space to figure out if you can move past this or not? It will also maybe get him to realise how much of a shock to you this has been and what he's put on the line. A bit of space for you both to have a good think about this and then come together to discuss it properly might help.

Disgusted with husband wrote: »

I am the wrong side of 35, not young or sexy anymore.

For the record I wouldn't be happy if a partner got a lap dance either.

But this sentence jumped out at me too. I didn't think there was a 'wrong' side of 35 - 'other' side maybe but not 'wrong'.
I'm early 40s and still consider myself young and sexy. I just came back from my yoga class and some of the women are in their 50s and 60s but they look amazing in their yoga gear and I would definitely think them very sexy (I'm female BTW!)

OP why do you not consider yourself sexy? Have you had children and aren't happy with your new figure? Or do you just not feel comfortable as you've gotten older. Did you ever feel sexy?
I'm not trying to turn the issue on its head, just trying to explore your feelings around the matter.
I've generally found that as women have gotten older they become more comfortable in their bodies (not everyone mind). I think we reach an age where we embrace what we have.

You see some of this insecurity is spilling over into this situation. You're comparing yourself to this 'young, sexy' woman and can't fathom how your husband could possibly find you sexy too.
Sexiness isn't about looking a certain way - it's an attitude and a state of mind.

I was at the Notting Hill Carnival years ago and there was near-naked women dancing on the floats but they weren't 'young, sexy' 20-somethings, they were 50 year old women with lots of body fat jiggling away, with massive smiles on their faces and oozing sex appeal. It was amazing.

It might be good for you to explore why you feel over the hill.
Also there is nothing wrong with giving your husband a little lap-dance - it's really sexy and in my experience (giving one to a boyfriend) it's very empowering for the woman.
I don't think your husband is going to be picturing a younger girl - wouldn't he have to have his eyes closed for that? He obviously wants you to do it - he thinks you're sexy and wants to recreate the experience with you.
If he really preferred the younger girls and not you, there's nothing stopping him from using lap dance clubs.

On the face of your opening post, OP, I was certainly of the opinion that it takes two to tango, and having been in a situation whereby I lack sexual intimacy in my relationship at times, I thought I saw that reflected back. Your latest comments, whereby he has told you you aren't sexy, and his comments about younger women are- to put it blunty- dick moves.

I personally don't have a problem with either myself or my (female) partner going to clubs, or getting lap dances. Those are boundaries we've spoken about in our relationship, but that's not really what this is about, I don't think. This is about your husband saying quite cruel things to you, and seemingly deliberately making you feel bad.

I would advise tell him exactly how you feel, and trying to work together to get past it, whether that's on your own or with the help of a professional. Because I do think his behaviour (having had some more info) is out of order, but your reaction has just been to freak out and react viscerally. Calmer heads need to prevail or you might see the end of your marriage.

Best of luck.