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Losing interest or overthinking? Best move forward?

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Comments

  • #32
    njs030
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,030 ✭✭✭njs030


    ConfusedGirl17 wrote: »
    Apparently he doesn't like going anywhere without no money and he has stated very clearly before that when he doesn't want to bother with someone anymore, he just doesn't, end of. That's why I'm confused a bit. He didn't say no, just not this week. He never instigated any of the other meet ups. That was me. He apparently doesn't like inviting himself places. Not even with me, with anyone. My friend did say he could be keeping there just enough so he can come down as and when he wants which I know is a possibility.

    Op it's hard to be objective when you're in the situation but you're disagreeing with every piece of advice you're given. Maybe read over the thread and your responses?

    When someone likes you it's not this hard, if youre making all the contact, instigating all the meet ups and you've only seen each other a couple of times it sounds like a lot of hard work for very little.
    You offered to go and see him and he said no. That's not someone who's dying to see you op. Not having money is an excuse, it doesn't cost anything to relax and watch a film on TV.

    The best thing you can say about him is that he hasn't told you he isn't interested.....but why would he? Youre happy to accept any attention he gives you and wait until he decides to see you on his terms.
    He likes you a bit but not enough to make any effort outside his comfort zone.
    Anyone can send texts, actions matter.


  • #33
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    You can dress it up any way you want but two dates in 2 months isn't much of a return, is it? I get the impression he's using that money excuse to maximum advantage.

    Let's switch roles for a moment and imagine you were the one who couldn't afford to visit him. If he rang you up and said he'd come visit you or he'd come collect you, what would your response be? I don't know about you but I'd snap his hand off. You can make a date as cheap or expensive as you want it. Does an evening curled up on the sofa with a takeaway not measure up to his exacting standards? It's you he should be wanting to see, regardless of whether it's in your house or in some posh restaurant.

    You don't need me to tell you that there plenty of people out there who'll text til the cows come home. Yet when it comes to arranging an actual date, you'd have better luck convincing them to donate an organ. This is a classic case of a guy who's throwing you just enough breadcrumbs to keep you interested while not actually committing to anything. But if you want to keep trying to get a third date out of this fella, by all means see how it goes. At the rate you're going, you'll be lucky to make it into double figures by the end of the year.


  • #34
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,611 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Just to be the fly in everybody's ointment... Does he live at home with his parents? Maybe an evening cuddled up on the couch isn't an option for him. And if you're young enough maybe he hasn't much of an imagination on what to do on a free date!!

    In saying all that, you've met in person twice in 2 months. This isn't a budding relationship. It's at best a fwb set up. Logistically, its not going to work out. You don't live close enough to each other for this to develop into a relationship. You're the modern day equivalent of penpals! It's likely he has his eye out for a more local girl too. I think at this early stage, it's a bad sign that you're already posting online asking advice. Early days of a relationship are supposed to be fun and easy and exciting. This isn't. And by the sounds of it, even if it progresses it's never going to be easy. Physical distance and lack of transport make it so.

    There will be fellas closer to your area, OP, maybe concentrate on meeting one of those.


  • #35
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    Big Bag of Chips wrote: »
    Just to be the fly in everybody's ointment... Does he live at home with his parents? Maybe an evening cuddled up on the couch isn't an option for him. And if you're young enough maybe he hasn't much of an imagination on what to do on a free date!!

    I thought about that but then I looked again at her update. She mentions offering to come get him (presumably to bring him back to where she lives) but he trotted out the money excuse again. Maybe you're right about the lack of imagination thing but I'm more inclined to think he's not that interested.


  • #36
    ConfusedGirl17
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21 ✭ConfusedGirl17


    Ursus Horribilis wrote: »
    Big Bag of Chips wrote: »
    Just to be the fly in everybody's ointment... Does he live at home with his parents? Maybe an evening cuddled up on the couch isn't an option for him. And if you're young enough maybe he hasn't much of an imagination on what to do on a free date!!

    I thought about that but then I looked again at her update. She mentions offering to come get him (presumably to bring him back to where she lives) but he trotted out the money excuse again. Maybe you're right about the lack of imagination thing but I'm more inclined to think he's not that interested.

    Yea he does live with his mum so me going to his house is not really workable as such. I did ask him outright if he intended on coming down again because if he didn't, I'd quit asking and he said yes it just wouldn't be this week because he has to pay a good bit off his holiday.
    I know I'm on this asking for his advice but I've been messed around so many times that I am constantly on edge regardless. Just always waiting for it to go wrong which is stupid. I should really just take each day as it comes.
    He said he doesn't really have the money to go out and do anything and the last couple of times he came down, he likes paying for things. It was almost like he felt it was his place or something but I don't see it that way.
    I know there's a good distance between us but I've been in LDR before and they've worked out great. We are nowhere near the relationship stage yet. We said we would see how we're getting on in a while. I'm not long ot of a relationship so I'm not ready to trust someone like that.
    I know that it is easy to text someone everyday. It's free and doesn't take a lot of effort. He says he enjoys talking to me and if he didn't, he just wouldn't bother.
    I'm going to back off on the contact for a while and see if he actually makes any effort or mentions about seeing me again. Apparently he doesn't like inviting himself anywhere, not even mates so I always feel like it's on me to ask.

    Sorry if I haven't replied to everyone's comments but I do appreciate all the advice from each and every one of you :) my plan is to back off considerably and see what happens. If he really wants to bother, he will start to show it. If not, well then there's not a lot I can do about it.


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  • #37
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,611 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    I just think this isn't going to work out. Even if he was mad about you, it costs him €50 every time just to come see you, and then whatever money he spends while he's there. And yes people can say he could do free things etc, but it sounds like he wants to be seen to be the gentleman by paying for stuff. He simply can't afford this!

    I think you're right to back off. And I don't think you should get too disheartened if it ends up you don't hear from him much. I think it is very likely that he does really like you, but its just logistically too difficult for it to work out.


  • #38
    ConfusedGirl17
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21 ✭ConfusedGirl17


    Big Bag of Chips wrote: »
    I just think this isn't going to work out. Even if he was mad about you, it costs him €50 every time just to come see you, and then whatever money he spends while he's there. And yes people can say he could do free things etc, but it sounds like he wants to be seen to be the gentleman by paying for stuff. He simply can't afford this!

    I think you're right to back off. And I don't think you should get too disheartened if it ends up you don't hear from him much. I think it is very likely that he does really like you, but its just logistically too difficult for it to work out.

    I do see where you're coming from regarding the travel costs etc. It's actually cheaper than I thought to get the train down. It's half the price I originally thought. I don't know whether that actually makes it better or worse to be honest. I have said to him a few times about the distance and he's told me it's worth it and he would rather be spending his money on something he enjoys than wasting it away but the holiday is crippling him at the minute.
    Having said that I do know even if it does work out, it's going to be difficult. You are right about him wanting to be a gentleman and pay for stuff even though I told him there really isn't any need for him to do stuff like this. I did say to him that I would pay for things next time he's down because he did last time and he just said "we'll see ;)"
    I know that we agreed that we would casually date and see where it goes so realistically I shouldn't even be worried about texting everyday. I don't even text my friends every single day and it doesn't concern me. It'll be hard but I'm going to resist it and back off a little and see what happens.


  • #39
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,611 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    ConfusedGirl, I see you started another thread asking much the same question. Nobody but him can answer the question for you. We can all speculate what we think he's doing but none of us know what's in his head. Your best bet is to ask HIM.

    But I will repeat, you've seen him twice since January. Meeting up appears to be a problem. That is a problem that is not going away anytime soon. If you really like him, stick around, talk to him and see how things progress. Otherwise, just let it end. Maybe if he texts you again you can tell him you don't think it's going to work. But continuing to ask strangers on the internet what he's thinking is getting you nowhere. He's the only person who can tell you that.


  • #40
    ConfusedGirl17
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21 ✭ConfusedGirl17


    Well I did send him a text yesterday after leaving it for a few days just to give us both a break. He hasn't been online since Monday which is out of character and so therefore he hasn't read it.
    I do really like him but you're right, I'm just going to have to ask him outright how this is going to progress.


  • #41
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    If he says yes he's still interested but he's flat broke, what then? You're still going to be melting your head and second-guessing what he's thinking. Has he said when this loan will be paid off?


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  • #42
    whoopsadoodles
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,058 ✭✭✭whoopsadoodles


    Seriously. Forget about him.

    You're two months in and your head is wrecked for a lad you've seen twice?

    Why ask him how it's going to progress. This is it. This is how your "relationship" is and will always be.

    Move on.


  • #43
    ConfusedGirl17
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21 ✭ConfusedGirl17


    Ursus Horribilis wrote: »
    If he says yes he's still interested but he's flat broke, what then? You're still going to be melting your head and second-guessing what he's thinking. Has he said when this loan will be paid off?

    He said he has until may to have it paid off. I'm just going to tell him we agreed we would see each other often and if we can't then there really isn't any point in just texting each other all the time


  • #44
    ConfusedGirl17
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21 ✭ConfusedGirl17


    whoopsadoodles wrote: »
    Seriously. Forget about him.

    You're two months in and your head is wrecked for a lad you've seen twice?

    Why ask him how it's going to progress. This is it. This is how your "relationship" is and will always be.

    Move on.

    I know I agreed to a casual relationship but I didn't think it would be this casual


  • #45
    njs030
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,030 ✭✭✭njs030


    ConfusedGirl17 wrote: »
    Well I did send him a text yesterday after leaving it for a few days just to give us both a break. He hasn't been online since Monday which is out of character and so therefore he hasn't read it.
    I do really like him but you're right, I'm just going to have to ask him outright how this is going to progress.

    You didn't contact him for a few days and as many people on this thread told you would happen he wasn't bothered at all.
    Why on earth did you text him again? Op really you need to have some dignity and I mean this in the nicest way possible.

    Why would you ask how its going to progress? You've seen him twice in quite a long period of time and he has made excuses not to see you since then and doesn't contact you? . Does that sound like someone who's interested in progression? Honestly it's been 2 dates see it for what it is.


  • #46
    Bambi985
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,274 ✭✭✭Bambi985


    ConfusedGirl17 wrote: »
    He said he has until may to have it paid off. I'm just going to tell him we agreed we would see each other often and if we can't then there really isn't any point in just texting each other all the time

    OP stop embarrassing yourself. His complete lack of actions says it all. He's not interested, he got bored/the chase was over for him after you'd had sex and now he doesn't have the balls to tell you he's not bothered.

    Realms of lads on the online dating scene will be like this. You're not being unnecessarily jaded or negative by seeing it for what it is - this is the only way to be if you're going to dabble in the online scene. A healthy dose of scepticism coupled with not getting excited about anyone until you've established a bit of trust and longevity in the relationship.

    This isn't a relationship, it's two dates over two months with a lad who you have to coax into seeing you as if it's some sort of chore. Noone that values you and your time and fancies the pants off you will act this way, ever.

    Put on your big girl pants now and delete this fella from your phone, your snapchat, your whatsapp etc. Don't go messaging him telling him it's over - that's just you looking for attention from him and waiting for him to tell you what you need to hear. It's giving him more power. Delete and move on. That's it.


  • #47
    ConfusedGirl17
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21 ✭ConfusedGirl17


    Bambi985 wrote: »
    ConfusedGirl17 wrote: »
    He said he has until may to have it paid off. I'm just going to tell him we agreed we would see each other often and if we can't then there really isn't any point in just texting each other all the time

    OP stop embarrassing yourself. His complete lack of actions says it all. He's not interested, he got bored/the chase was over for him after you'd had sex and now he doesn't have the balls to tell you he's not bothered.

    Realms of lads on the online dating scene will be like this. You're not being unnecessarily jaded or negative by seeing it for what it is - this is the only way to be if you're going to dabble in the online scene. A healthy dose of scepticism coupled with not getting excited about anyone until you've established a bit of trust and longevity in the relationship.

    This isn't a relationship, it's two dates over two months with a lad who you have to coax into seeing you as if it's some sort of chore. Noone that values you and your time and fancies the pants off you will act this way, ever.

    Put on your big girl pants now and delete this fella from your phone, your snapchat, your whatsapp etc. Don't go messaging him telling him it's over - that's just you looking for attention from him and waiting for him to tell you what you need to hear. It's giving him more power. Delete and move on. That's it.

    I know it's not a relationship and I've never thought it was. I never had to coax him into coming down to see me either times. At the end of the day it is a casual set up and I've two choices. Accept what I agreed to or walk away. I've only sent him one text after a couple of days to see how he was doing but he hasn't been online on anything. I'm not sending anything else until he replies or whatever.


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