Am I trying to hard to make this relationship work?

ibarelycare · 09-03-2017 11:35AM

It sounds like you got engaged before you really knew him, when you were both still in the honeymoon period. Now that you've actually gotten to know each other, it's clear you're not compatible. This sounds like an utterly miserable relationship and he sounds like the sort of person who will never change his ways.

Ursus Horribilis · 09-03-2017 12:04PM

As a rule of thumb in my life, when I find I'm trying to talk myself into doing something it's not a good sign. I've done with everything from buying items of clothing I had doubts about in the shop to going out with someone I didn't fancy. If you're having doubts now - and it appears that you are - then don't try to bury them.

Like many other people here, I get the impression you rushed ahead too fast with this relationship. 8 months is no length of time at all and you hardly knew the guy. If he had displayed these behaviours in the early stages of the relationship, would you have continued with it? Maybe you also need to be honest with yourself here and ask how much of this is being driven by the fear of being left on the shelf or the dread of having to put yourself out on the market again.

Personally I wouldn't like to get distracted by the talks of him being on autistic spectrums etc. He's your husband to be and he is what he is. He's not going to change very much. So what is it that you are in love with? Him as he is or the idea of him as you'd like him to be.

Monkey09 · 13-03-2017 11:53AM

Cornelius Crow wrote: »

Apologies if you think it's too direct of me to ask but how is your sex life with your partner? Is he loving, is he caring and kind, is there warmth and intimacy between you?

The reason I'm asking is because you need all of these things to be good for a solid foundation. If not, on top of what you've described, I wouldn't be hanging around.

Thanks for your reply - I don't have much issue with our sex life. The sex itself is pretty good. On occassion he just says to me ''Take off your clothes''. If I make any response to this, he responds with the over and over with ''Just take off your clothes.''

I've only had one boyfriend previous to this so I'm not really sure what is normal in this regard.

Monkey09 · 13-03-2017 11:57AM

SarahMollie wrote: »

Why are you talking about marriage without first living together?

Most couples will have teething difficulties when they first move in together, but its how you respond to these challenges which will tell if the relationship has a future. Most people have quirks and their own ways of doing things, but normally people end up compromising and typically you each get a few small victories. In our house, himself is in charge of the dishwasher (because apparently I stack it wrong) but I insist on doing the laundry as I don't fully trust him to wash the right colours together or read the care lables. Thats just what works for us. I definitely eat some new meals as I've adapted my cooking a bit to cater for things he likes, but equally he ended up trying new foods which he's never had before and has since ended up liking. Again, trial, error and compromise.

If you don't mind me saying, it seems like you've both settled for each other - are you sure this relationship is built on the right foundations.

Yes, living together would definitely be a step in the right direction. However, my fiancé lives in an area which would make it impossible for me to get to work every day as it is not on the train line. I'm also hoping to start a college course in September and again, it would be almost impossible for me to commute to college every morning from where he lives.

Big Bag of Chips · 13-03-2017 12:00PM

What's 'normal' is the wrong way to look at things. Whether something is considered 'normal' in someone else's relationship is irrelevant if it doesn't feel right or comfortable to you in your relationship. I think you are trying too hard to justify your misgivings about this and talk yourself into something that you really are not happy with.

If you are not happy with it now, you won't be happy with it in 20 years time.

Monkey09 · 13-03-2017 12:02PM

redfox123 wrote: »

You rushed into this. You really don't know someone until you live with them and yes living with another adult is difficult at times and compromise is needed but you OH sounds completely uninterested, bored and is making no effort whatsoever. You can't continue like that. It's unfair on you because it is exhausting. Sounds like you both want to be in 'a' relationship, any relationship so that you can be seen to be settling down but for gods sake what you've described is miserable.
Don't settle when you're clearly not happy, nobody would with that treatment, you're forcing it because you're eager to settle down and have been single for quite a while, but he won't even talk to you when you're together?!! The most basic thing of a relationship!

Thanks for your reply. You're right in saying I rushed things a bit with him, but it's definitely not the case that I just want to be in a relationship and anyone at all will do.. When I first met my fiancé, I felt a spark with him that I hadn't felt with anyone in a long time. I felt me had a connection, and with the amount we had in common, I felt like it was definitely meant to be. Although, I do admit that things have changed a lot between us since then.

I honestly do love him, but I am the first to admit that he is definitely not perfect. I'm just curious, is there ever a relationship where one person believes the other to be absolutely perfect in every way?

Big Bag of Chips · 13-03-2017 12:08PM

No relationship is perfect. None. But it all comes down to what level of imperfect you are prepared to tolerate! Someone constantly leaving their dirty washing on the middle of the sitting room floor is a different level of imperfection to your partner refusing to walk beside you or speak to you in public!!

But some people might be ok with that, others might not.

Are you ok with that?

tcif · 13-03-2017 12:10PM

Monkey09 wrote: »

On occassion he just says to me ''Take off your clothes''. If I make any response to this, he responds with the over and over with ''Just take off your clothes.''

I've only had one boyfriend previous to this so I'm not really sure what is normal in this regard.

What's "normal" is very subjective and individual to couples as to what works for them and if you're OK with this, then there's no issue.

But, OP, given the lack of consideration, warmth and intimacy he seems to show to you in every other situation, this sounds cold and disrespectful.

When you say the sex between you is "pretty good", is he considerate to your needs? Does he care about your pleasure? Is it a happy, positive experience for you and something you enjoy and look forward to? I'm not asking you to post the answers to those questions here, just answer them for yourself and if the answer isn't "Yes" all round then have a think about what that might mean.

Ursus Horribilis · 13-03-2017 12:17PM

Monkey09 wrote: »

I honestly do love him, but I am the first to admit that he is definitely not perfect. I'm just curious, is there ever a relationship where one person believes the other to be absolutely perfect in every way?

I doubt very much if such a relationship has ever existed. Not amongst sane people anyway. What most of us do is figure out how much of the other person's flaws and annoying behaviours we're prepared to put up with. Personally, I think your partner's behaviour goes way beyond the pale and there is no way I would put up with it. But if you're happy to live with being treated like that for the rest of your life, that's your decision to make. None of us can decide that for you.

readyletsgo · 13-03-2017 12:18PM

Sounds like he wants to break up but doesn't have the balls to do it himself so pushing you to finish it (it happens!). Clearly you love him, but don't stick around for a life of that. End it and count yourself lucky to be out of that, odd, relationship.

He sounds like a child to me. He won't change. Do you want that for the rest of your life?

Pyr0 · 13-03-2017 12:21PM

Monkey09 wrote: »

On occassion he just says to me ''Take off your clothes''. If I make any response to this, he responds with the over and over with ''Just take off your clothes.''

I've only had one boyfriend previous to this so I'm not really sure what is normal in this regard.

That sounds like an awful, clinical experience and in no way normal. Is this some sort of role play for him that he hasn't discussed with you?

What does he do for you day to day to make you happy? As you've said previously, he doesn't engage in any serious conversation with you, he doesn't eat food you cook for him (or talk when having dinner together), he doesn't even ask you how your day has been and anytime you've tried to talk about your relationship he literally farts all over your conversation.

Lex Luthor · 13-03-2017 03:05PM

Rekop dog wrote: »

Yeah you're overreacting, he sounds like an absolute catch, some people don't know how lucky they have it.

cracking me up here

some of the things described are a bit bizarre and OTT, fish & sea spring to mind

daisybelle2008 · 13-03-2017 09:23PM

Monkey09 wrote: »

We were engaged after only 8 months as we were both anxious to settle down and were happy together and these issues only became apparent after getting engaged and spending a lot of time together. I was thrilled when we first met as I'd been single for quite a while and really wanted to meet someone and he seemed to fit exactly with what I was looking for.

Does he still fit the bill of what you are looking for in a relationship? If so you need to raise your standards. And seriously why both so anxious to settle down in your twenties? You both sound really insecure and the relationship is awful.
Jesus, are any of your family or friends not taking you aside and having a serious chat with you? Are you confiding the truth to anyone close to you?

LynnGrace · 14-03-2017 12:31PM

Only you can decide if this is what you want to settle for.

I posted earlier in your thread, am going to reiterate - take a break from this relationship is my advice. You are young, you have a life to live. Don't be in a rush to settle down. He doesn't sound exactly mature (to say the least) from the way you have described things.

There is a lot of good advice on the thread. Take your time to absorb it.
And yes, if you have someone in real life that you can confide in, please do.

Scarinae · 14-03-2017 09:06PM

You shouldn't have to settle for someone who frankly sounds awful, especially when you're still in your 20s. Don't be afraid to be single, it is better then being in a relationship that is making you miserable.

Think of it this way as well - if you met someone right now who was a better match for you, you mightn't even notice them because you're already in this relationship.

Pheggiewillie · 20-03-2017 09:53PM

Monkey09 wrote: »

Thanks for your reply. You're right in saying I rushed things a bit with him, but it's definitely not the case that I just want to be in a relationship and anyone at all will do.. When I first met my fiancé, I felt a spark with him that I hadn't felt with anyone in a long time. I felt me had a connection, and with the amount we had in common, I felt like it was definitely meant to be. Although, I do admit that things have changed a lot between us since then.

I honestly do love him, but I am the first to admit that he is definitely not perfect. I'm just curious, is there ever a relationship where one person believes the other to be absolutely perfect in every way?

I think the only thing you should be bothered about is if he loves you. From all you have said, you really love him. I think his attitude will out pressure on you and make you feel "not good enough" if you marry him because as human beings we want to be loved and praised by those we love. I will advice you not to care and not to put too much effort in certain things. But in somethings you can do it his way (eg the wash up) but for the setting tables, if he resets it, just say "oh nice☺" and when it comes to things like that, say "I am not so good at this James does this better than me" don't take it personal and don't try to change everything to fit him. Just change some things which will not make you fight everyday. Ask his preferences on certain things. Don't be attached to things too much. You should not careless how things are done. Be cheerful and let him stress himself over such.

The problem here is that will you be able to live your entire life like this? Most men do this for their wives. They really don't care. If they want a new house, they ask the wife which do you like? If they want to buy a car they ask their wives which they like. My dad eats anything you give him. He doesn't care about anything. So my point is that there are people like that. But that has been their personality. But in your case, you have to learn it now because you love your man. But if he doesn't love you, then there is no point doing all that because it will still not work out at the end.

I wish you goodluck with himðŸ˜‡

21-03-2017 09:51AM

Monkey09 wrote: »

On occassion he just says to me ''Take off your clothes''. If I make any response to this, he responds with the over and over with ''Just take off your clothes.''

This sent a chill down my spine.

OP in the long term I would fear for you. You are not a thing that simply exists to satisfy your partner's demands.

Please end this terrible relationship.

ShaShaBear · 26-03-2017 10:30PM

Is he a bit of a "Mammy's Boy" OP?
Sounds very much like he has absolutely no interest in a relationship or commitment but the pressure from his mother's desire to see him "settle down" has pushed him to chose a woman who panders to all his obscure habits and he doesn't even have to live with her!

SB_Part2 · 28-03-2017 09:36AM

Why are you doing this to yourself OP? He sounds awful.

Being single isn't that bad, hell, it's a lot better than this relationship.

....... · 28-03-2017 11:19AM

This post has been deleted.

kylith · 28-03-2017 11:37AM

Honestly OP, if it were just the food thing I'd be recommending that you let him do the cooking from now on. However when taken with everything else you've said just ask yourself 'Am I happy with this for the rest of my life?'

Are you happy for him to walk in front of you for the rest of your life? Are you happy with not being able to have a conversation with him for the rest of your life?

Write down your issues and sit him down and lay it out for him. If nothing changes or he figuratively or literally farts on your concerns then I would recommend calling it a day, otherwise you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

professore · 31-03-2017 05:55PM

You would be better off single for the rest of your life than married to an ignorant asshole like this. Is he super hot or something?? Thereplenty of good men out there - he is not one of them. Things will only get worse.

Am I trying to hard to make this relationship work?

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