Am I trying to hard to make this relationship work?

Monkey09

Hi everyone, I'm looking for some advice on my relationship with my finacé. We're both in our late 20s and have been engaged for about 18 months. He's a good person and we do have good times together. However, there are some issues which make me doubt whether this relationship can survive in the long-run.

The issue which concerns me most is the fact that he refuses to eat any food that I cook, except for one particular meal. He says that it makes him feel sick or that it wasn't cooked right. I've tried to talk to him about this but he says that he prefers to cook for himself. I'm just not sure how this would work in a marriage context.

Another issue is that I find it difficult to have a serious conversation with him. For example, he doesn't want me to discuss anything if we are out on the street walking or if he's eating. He says he is just a quiet person. But I find it exhausting trying to constantly make conversation with him, and he just responds with one word. He never asks me about my work, my life or any of my past experiences. Is this normal?

On two occassions recently, I tried to talk to him about my concerns about our relationship, and when I finished talking, he let out a big fart (I'm sorry if that's too much information). I was really hurt by this as it came accross like he was disrespecting me and not having any regard for what I was saying but I don't know, maybe I am reading to much into it.


I booked a holiday for us last month. I arranged inexpensive, but perfectly adequate accomodation, but when we arrived he did nothing put complain - so much so that I broke down in tears. However, I had to pretty much beg him for his half of the accomodation cost, even though he wanted better accomodation (but paid for by me)

On this holiday, he continuously walked about 10 steps ahead of me. This really bothered me, and is not how normal couples should behave. We are of similar heights if that makes any difference here.
When we were leaving, he asked me for all my lose change (a different currency was being used). This bothered me as I earn less than half what he earns at the moment - I wouldn't dare request him to give me money (I know I wouldn't get very far)

I know it doesn't seem like it, but I genuinely care about my fiancé and we have had good times together. These issues just concern me about our future.

Am I over-reacting?

I'd really appreciate any opinions.

Thanks.

Rekop dog

Yeah you're overreacting, he sounds like an absolute catch, some people don't know how lucky they have it.

Dial Hard

His behaviour sounds bizarre bordering on disordered. Has he ever been assessed for OCD or an ASD?

How long have you been together? I actually can't imagine being in a relationship like this, it sounds utterly exhausting.

What are his family like?

elefant

Monkey09 wrote: »

Hi everyone, I'm looking for some advice on my relationship with my finacé. We're both in our late 20s and have been engaged for about 18 months. He's a good person and we do have good times together. However, there are some issues which make me doubt whether this relationship can survive in the long-run.

The issue which concerns me most is the fact that he refuses to eat any food that I cook, except for one particular meal. He says that it makes him feel sick or that it wasn't cooked right. I've tried to talk to him about this but he says that he prefers to cook for himself. I'm just not sure how this would work in a marriage context.

Another issue is that I find it difficult to have a serious conversation with him. For example, he doesn't want me to discuss anything if we are out on the street walking or if he's eating. He says he is just a quiet person. But I find it exhausting trying to constantly make conversation with him, and he just responds with one word. He never asks me about my work, my life or any of my past experiences. Is this normal?

On two occassions recently, I tried to talk to him about my concerns about our relationship, and when I finished talking, he let out a big fart (I'm sorry if that's too much information). I was really hurt by this as it came accross like he was disrespecting me and not having any regard for what I was saying but I don't know, maybe I am reading to much into it.


I booked a holiday for us last month. I arranged inexpensive, but perfectly adequate accomodation, but when we arrived he did nothing put complain - so much so that I broke down in tears. However, I had to pretty much beg him for his half of the accomodation cost, even though he wanted better accomodation (but paid for by me)

On this holiday, he continuously walked about 10 steps ahead of me. This really bothered me, and is not how normal couples should behave. We are of similar heights if that makes any difference here.
When we were leaving, he asked me for all my lose change (a different currency was being used). This bothered me as I earn less than half what he earns at the moment - I wouldn't dare request him to give me money (I know I wouldn't get very far)

I know it doesn't seem like it, but I genuinely care about my fiancé and we have had good times together. These issues just concern me about our future.

Am I over-reacting?

I'd really appreciate any opinions.

Thanks.

This all sounds absolutely horrendous (and very weird). To be perfectly honest, he sounds awful.

You 'genuinely care' about him and have 'good times' together? With those as the positive, and all those negatives, I actually feel bad that that could be considered by anyone to be a decent basis for marriage.

Aimeee

Reading through your post I'm wondering why you got engaged to him at all? Has he always been like this or is it new behaviour since you got engaged?
Not good either way. Why tolerate that sort of carry on?

Monkey09

Dial Hard wrote: »

His behaviour sounds bizarre bordering on disordered. Has he ever been assessed for OCD or an ASD?

How long have you been together? I actually can't imagine being in a relationship like this, it sounds utterly exhausting.

What are his family like?

Thank you for your reply. It is such a coincidence that you referred to OCD as I have suspected for a while that he could have a mild form of it. There are certain things that have to be done a certain way and if I do something, he has to check it to make sure he is ok with it for example. For instance, he only wants the wash-up to be done under a running tap with no plug in the sink as otherwise, the dishes would be washed in 'dirty' water. This really gets to me. I never heard of someone in their late 20s being assessed for OCD. Is that possible?

We have been together for just over two years. We were engaged after only 8 months as we were both anxious to settle down and were happy together and these issues only became apparent after getting engaged and spending a lot of time together. I was thrilled when we first met as I'd been single for quite a while and really wanted to meet someone and he seemed to fit exactly with what I was looking for.

His family is small - Just his mother and sister. I've met his mother a number of times and she is lovely and always makes me feel welcome and buys me gifts for xmas or from holidays. She was delighted when me met as she really wanted to see him settled down. I don't see much of his sister. She is married with a child and living about an hour away.

Pyr0

You're not over reacting at all! You're pandering a lot to his behaviour and demands, he hasn't considered you or your feelings in any of the situations listed above. Are these issues that have always been there or have they developed recently?

With regards to him walking ahead of you, it sounds like he's doing this on purpose to show his dislike for your accommodation arrangements which is very childish behaviour for anyone to do.

Over all his behaviour is very strange. Does he have other needs in his day to day life that could be classed as odd?

Big Bag of Chips

Monkey09 wrote: »

He's a good person and we do have good times together....

I genuinely care about my fiancé and we have had good times together.

You don't mention love, anywhere.

Does he care about you, do you think? Does he consider your feelings and situation as much as you consider his? Would he ever comprise his happiness and comfort for you? Would he ever compromise anything for you? All relationships need a degree of compromise. And the compromise can't always come from one side. He seems downright rude. There's being quiet, and then there's being rude. He could be both.

Monkey09

Pyr0 wrote: »

You're not over reacting at all! You're pandering a lot to his behaviour and demands, he hasn't considered you or your feelings in any of the situations listed above. Are these issues that have always been there or have they developed recently?

With regards to him walking ahead of you, it sounds like he's doing this on purpose to show his dislike for your accommodation arrangements which is very childish behaviour for anyone to do.

Over all his behaviour is very strange. Does he have other needs in his day to day life that could be classed as odd?

Thanks for your reply - To be honest, these issues only became apparent as we started spending more time together (living together a few days a week).

To be honest, he complained about the accomodation arrangements on the first night, but he genuinely seemed to come round to the idea after that when he realised that it was just a base for us as we'd be out and about most of the time. I don't think that's the reason he insisted on walking ahead of me..

Regarding other aspects of his behaviour - there are a few things: the way he does the wash-up: I've never heard of it being done like that before. When we were on our holiday, I picked up his passport to have a look at it, but he snatched it out of my hand.. I recently took a piece of paper off his desk as I wanted to use it as a coaster, but he took it off me and placed it back where it was. On another occasion, I was wrapped up in a blanket and eating a bowl of ice-cream. When I was finished, I rubbed my hands up and down on the blanket to warm them up and this bothered him as he asked if I was wiping my hands on the blanket.. Finally, I was visiting his mother and offered to set the table. When he came in, he un-set the table and reset it himself. I have raised my concerns with him regarding OCD, but he just says that he doesn't have it.

Has anyone been in a relationship with someone with similar issues before?

Lisha

Op from your post it's very difficult to see what you get from this relationship. Apart from not being single that is.

Settling for Mr He'll Do as you are afraid Mr Right won't ever come along is simply a recipie for disaster.

Do yourself a favour and walk away. It's far better to be alone and content than miserable with Someone who belittles holidays you book but is too stingy to pay his way in the process.

Monkey09

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You don't mention love, anywhere.

Does he care about you, do you think? Does he consider your feelings and situation as much as you consider his? Would he ever comprise his happiness and comfort for you? Would he ever compromise anything for you? All relationships need a degree of compromise. And the compromise can't always come from one side. He seems downright rude. There's being quiet, and then there's being rude. He could be both.

Thanks for your reply. Yes, I do love him (although sometimes I ask myself why). If I'm having a bad day, and call him for a chat, I do feel better after talking to him. We went on a nice holiday together last summer and I really enjoyed it. If we don't see each other for a few days, I do miss him. On occassion, he does make an effort to be chatty and when he does, we get on so well and I am so happy in his company. But it is more often the case that he makes little or no effort and never asks me anything about my life which strikes me as very odd as I am currently going through a career-change.

I have noticed that he can be a little inconsiderate of my feelings. For example, I was invited to his mother's house for dinner early in the New Year. His sister and her family arrived early and I just got a text from him to say that they wanted to go ahead and could I make my way there in the next 5-10 mins. I was not able to get there at such short notice, and the meal just went ahead without me. I was a little upset by this and when I told him this, he didn't show any understanding on why I was upset.

Are my concerns something I could have a chat about with his mother?

zoobizoo

What things do you communicate about?

Lisha

Monkey09 wrote: »

Thanks for your reply. Yes, I do love him (although sometimes I ask myself why). If I'm having a bad day, and call him for a chat, I do feel better after talking to him. We went on a nice holiday together last summer and I really enjoyed it. If we don't see each other for a few days, I do miss him. On occassion, he does make an effort to be chatty and when he does, we get on so well and I am so happy in his company. But it is more often the case that he makes little or no effort and never asks me anything about my life which strikes me as very odd as I am currently going through a career-change.

I have noticed that he can be a little inconsiderate of my feelings.

Are my concerns something I could have a chat about with his mother?

What have you to gain from talking to his mother?

If she says, 'ah don't mind him, sure he's always been that way, I'm sure he is mad about you' will you feel justified in staying with him?

Op you can't make him be nice to you. Be nice to yourself and put your needs first.

Airyfairy12

I wouldnt be diagnosing him. He might just not like your cooking, he also sounds bored, fed up and disinterested. Could you take a break from each other to see if it makes a difference?

Big Bag of Chips

The New Year dinner thing was out of his control, so I don't think you can hold that against him. But, in saying that you feel neglected and disrespected by him and those feelings are valid. You need to consider are you happy enough to live your life like this, because he's set out his stall and he's unlikely to dramatically change.

idnkph

Read up a bit about asbergers. Sounds like it. It's being on the autistic spectrum.
If it's not that then he's just an inconsiderate A-hole.
Sounds like your mind is made up already tho.

woodchuck

I'll admit, I do the washing up the same way as your OH... totally makes sense to me not to "clean" dishes in dirty water! But anyway...

Everything in combination is a worry. Whether they're just personal preferences or symptomatic of OCD, obviously it bothers you. Some of his behaviour though is just downright rude (not eating your cooking, walking in front of you etc). You never really know somebody until you live with them and it sounds like you're only just getting to know him

To be honest, it sounds like you rushed into a serious relationship without really getting to know him properly and now the incompatibilities are really starting to surface. I think a serious talk about your relationship is order.

Conor Bourke

Apologies if you think it's too direct of me to ask but how is your sex life with your partner? Is he loving, is he caring and kind, is there warmth and intimacy between you?

The reason I'm asking is because you need all of these things to be good for a solid foundation. If not, on top of what you've described, I wouldn't be hanging around.

tcif

Monkey09 wrote: »

We were engaged after only 8 months as we were both anxious to settle down...
I was thrilled when we first met as I'd been single for quite a while and really wanted to meet someone and he seemed to fit ...
His mother was delighted when me met as she really wanted to see him settled down.

There are so many red flags in his behaviour, OP, and these three statements stood out to me. I think with the occasional exception most of us want to be with someone, to love and be loved, and it's not always easy to find someone but I think you'll have a massive uphill battle to make this work and be happy if he's behaving like he is. Do you think maybe you've rushed into the engagement and are so determined to make it work because you want it so much and "he seemed to fit"?

His mother, who knows him way better than you do, may also be brushing his issues under the carpet because she sees you care about him and she wants him to be happy and is willing to roll the dice on your happiness on that gamble. Which means you won't find an ally there in trying to get him to look at how he's behaving and how he's treating you.

You care about him but I think you're right to be doubting if there's long term happiness in this for you.

SarahMollie

Why are you talking about marriage without first living together?

Most couples will have teething difficulties when they first move in together, but its how you respond to these challenges which will tell if the relationship has a future. Most people have quirks and their own ways of doing things, but normally people end up compromising and typically you each get a few small victories. In our house, himself is in charge of the dishwasher (because apparently I stack it wrong) but I insist on doing the laundry as I don't fully trust him to wash the right colours together or read the care lables. Thats just what works for us. I definitely eat some new meals as I've adapted my cooking a bit to cater for things he likes, but equally he ended up trying new foods which he's never had before and has since ended up liking. Again, trial, error and compromise.

If you don't mind me saying, it seems like you've both settled for each other - are you sure this relationship is built on the right foundations.

Big Bag of Chips

It all comes down to, do you think you're trying too hard to make this relationship work. Everyone here can offer advice or opinion based on our own thoughts or experiences, but at the end of the day it's your relationship. And what might be acceptable/unacceptable for some might be different for others.

tara73

this, to me, sounds like a partner from hell, no matter if it's an illness or not.

get out of this, please. My guess is he's just being nice sometimes to keep you and getting married to you and after you'rre maried there'll be nothing left of the nice times and the complete nightmare begins.

I mean, letting out a big fart after you had the guts to discuss relationship issues? can't find words for this behaviour. 12 year old boys stuff which would be so off putting for me I wouldn't want to touch him with a bargepole anymore.

BelovedAunt

Hi OP, from reading your posts, your partner is showing several characteristics of autism. It could be worth suggesting testing to him, as he could then get the help he needs.

redfox123

You rushed into this. You really don't know someone until you live with them and yes living with another adult is difficult at times and compromise is needed but you OH sounds completely uninterested, bored and is making no effort whatsoever. You can't continue like that. It's unfair on you because it is exhausting. Sounds like you both want to be in 'a' relationship, any relationship so that you can be seen to be settling down but for gods sake what you've described is miserable.
Don't settle when you're clearly not happy, nobody would with that treatment, you're forcing it because you're eager to settle down and have been single for quite a while, but he won't even talk to you when you're together?!! The most basic thing of a relationship!

LynnGrace

Unpleasant behaviour, to say the very very least.

I suggest taking a break from the relationship, and as pp suggested, be kind to yourself. You deserve a lot better than this, you really do.

Acara

Run this guy is horrible and rude and that will never change. You deserve way better

sozbox

Best relationship advice I ever heard is "never outsource your self esteem to someone else"

You seem to be putting up with this out of a fear of not being in a relationship.

Your gut is telling you the truth, this isn't normal and you deserve better.

Big Bag of Chips

If he does have an undiagnosed disorder of some sort, that's irrelevant. You are not his minder. And a relationship should be, as much as possible, equal. It can't be equal if one person is constantly walking on eggshells or compromising their wants and needs in favour of the other persons. That's not sustainable. Not for the rest of your life.

You are obviously not happy, but you have no way of addressing your unhappiness with your bf because he won't communicate with you. I get the feeling because of the engagement and his mother being delighted that he is with someone you feel pressured to make this work. Sometimes in life we need to be the selfish ones. You need to think what is best for you, rather than what everyone else wants. A year is a long time to be in an unhappy situation. 50 years is a hell of a lot longer.

jimd2

Monkey09 wrote: »

On two occassions recently, I tried to talk to him about my concerns about our relationship, and when I finished talking, he let out a big fart (I'm sorry if that's too much information). I was really hurt by this as it came accross like he was disrespecting me and not having any regard for what I was saying but I don't know, maybe I am reading to much into it.

Wow, he did that both times?

I havent read the other responses but in my opinion you should get out when you still can. He has zero respect for you and if you gys have kids you may really struggle to discuss things and work as a team as you would need to do.

Flibble

OP...if you don't listen to the whispers, you'll listen to the screams- take all these behaviours as 'whispers'. Very feckin loud ones at that.

If you're approaching a marriage with the attitude of 'things would be great if only he'd do X or be X' then you're setting yourself up for a very long & miserable road; please do not settle with him just because you're afraid of being single, lots of his behaviour is very very odd, which wouldn't be *SO* much of a concern if he would show willingness to talk about it or respect you enough to take a step back & understand your point of view. If he can't even do that, when the issues are relatively minor, how do you ever see the two of you being enough of a team together to tackle the bigger issues in life?

I can see a very lonely future for you in this relationship, based on what you've written.

jimd2

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

If he does have an undiagnosed disorder of some sort, that's irrelevant. You are not his minder. And a relationship should be, as much as possible, equal. It can't be equal if one person is constantly walking on eggshells or compromising their wants and needs in favour of the other persons. That's not sustainable. Not for the rest of your life.

You are obviously not happy, but you have no way of addressing your unhappiness with your bf because he won't communicate with you. I get the feeling because of the engagement and his mother being delighted that he is with someone you feel pressured to make this work. Sometimes in life we need to be the selfish ones. You need to think what is best for you, rather than what everyone else wants. A year is a long time to be in an unhappy situation. 50 years is a hell of a lot longer.

I agree with this and the mother, sister and fiance werent too concerned about the OP when the sister turned up early for dinner at the mothers.