Losing interest or overthinking? Best move forward?

StarGirl17 · 07-03-2017 04:45PM #1

I've met this guy halfway through January and we've been on two dates. We agreed no relationship yet, we would see how it goes. We have slept together and he used to love getting snaps off me. (He thought my thigh tattoo was really hot apparently but they weren't dirty ones) haha! But lately he hasn't really been responding back to my flirty messages in a flirty way too and I've stopped sending snaps because he doesn't send any back or comment on them. I don't really know if he's trying to be respectful or is just really bad at text flirting. At the start, he was really into the odd suggestive message but now, nothing. Has the initial excitement just worn off or what can I do to get some sort of response out of him? He does always reply but seems to shy away from the flirts so I dunno what to think? We were having a conversation ages ago and I told him I liked him and he said he liked me too otherwise he just wouldn't text me back at all. So maybe I am overthinking things. When I asked him if he wanted to meet this week, he said he will have to see what his wages are like as he has been off sick a lot lately. We live about an hour apart and it costs about £50 on the train to visit me. He does text me back everyday as normal. I was thinking of maybe actually offering to visit him since he was the one to come down the last two times and he is trying to pay off £1000 off his holiday in august.

professore · 07-03-2017 04:50PM

He doesn't sound too keen about the whole thing one way or another. I wouldn't get my hopes up OP.

BetsyEllen · 07-03-2017 05:01PM

No I don't think he is keen either.

Also, if this was the 3rd time you were going to meet I think it's bad on your part that it was expected that he'd come to you again. If it costs him €50 and is an hours travel, it's not fair that he is expected to do it each time.

But anyway, I think that ship has sailed now and it doesn't sound likes he's bothered about seeing you again. Sorry OP.

Big Bag of Chips · 07-03-2017 05:18PM

I think meeting up with you is just too much hassle for him. Surely there are plenty of girls closer that are easier and less costly to get too. Absolutely without a doubt you should have offered to meet him the next time. But I think he mightn't even be interested at this point. You've only met twice in 6 or 7 weeks. Even if you're texting everyday it's no substitute, especially in the early days for actually meeting up face to face.

Only way you'll know for definite though is to ask him out straight.

njs030 · 07-03-2017 05:22PM

If he's only replying rather than instigating conversation it's not a good sign, neither was his disinterest in meeting I'm afraid. I wouldn't go offering to visit him either, if he wanted that he would have suggested it.

I agree he doesn't seem too interested, maybe leave it now and let him contact you.

Tokyo · 07-03-2017 06:22PM

Texts are cheap - when it comes to making an actual effort, he's not interested. He'll message you as long as you keep contacting him, but, sorry to say it OP, my money would be on if you stop texting tomorrow, he won't bother following up to see where you disappeared to.

ConfusedGirl17 · 07-03-2017 06:43PM

Hi, this is the OP, I've had to change my username as it wasn't letting me view my thread for some reason! He told me he is interested in me otherwise he wouldn't bother talking to me at all. Apparently he doesn't just do "polite"

He said he is massively broke at the minute so I thought maybe the best idea would be to just ask him about visiting him. Least that way I will just know. If he declines that, then I know for definite.

ConfusedGirl17 · 07-03-2017 06:44PM

BetsyEllen wrote: »

No I don't think he is keen either.

Also, if this was the 3rd time you were going to meet I think it's bad on your part that it was expected that he'd come to you again. If it costs him €50 and is an hours travel, it's not fair that he is expected to do it each time.

But anyway, I think that ship has sailed now and it doesn't sound likes he's bothered about seeing you again. Sorry OP.

Yeah, that's why I was going to offer to visit this time as it isn't fair that it's down to him every time.

ConfusedGirl17 · 07-03-2017 06:45PM

notjustsweet wrote: »

If he's only replying rather than instigating conversation it's not a good sign, neither was his disinterest in meeting I'm afraid. I wouldn't go offering to visit him either, if he wanted that he would have suggested it.

I agree he doesn't seem too interested, maybe leave it now and let him contact you.

He has hinted a few times about me coming to get him but I didn't think he was serious so I never did.

njs030 · 07-03-2017 06:53PM

Well it's unlikely he's going to turn down someone offering to come and visit him and have sex with him.
That doesn't mean he's interested in a relationship with you op.

As everyone has said texts are easy but making effort is harder, if you want to know how he really feels (actions vs words) stop texting him and see what he does.

cactusgal · 07-03-2017 06:56PM

He doesn't sound terribly interested to me, sorry

I also wonder how realistic it is to try to carry out something long-distance (an hour away at 50 quid a visit is a pain), especially if neither of you are interested in a relationship? Unless I'm picking up the OP wrong ... What would be the point?

ConfusedGirl17 · 07-03-2017 07:02PM

notjustsweet wrote: »

Well it's unlikely he's going to turn down someone offering to come and visit him and have sex with him.
That doesn't mean he's interested in a relationship with you op.

As everyone has said texts are easy but making effort is harder, if you want to know how he really feels (actions vs words) stop texting him and see what he does.

I know, I'm under no illusion that he wants a relationship at the minute at all. Good advice on the no texting. I've actually been taking longer to reply and not jumping every time my phone goes off and he is being a lot more talkative.

ConfusedGirl17 · 07-03-2017 07:04PM

cactusgal wrote: »

He doesn't sound terribly interested to me, sorry I also wonder how realistic it is to try to carry out something long-distance (an hour away at 50 quid a visit is a pain), especially if neither of you are interested in a relationship? Unless I'm picking up the OP wrong ... What would be the point?

You're not picking me up wrong at all. I do see your point. I said to him that the distance it quite a bit and he said it's worth it and he would rather spend his money on that than a pile of junk. I think all your advice to back off for a while is a good idea. Then I'll know. I would like to offer to visit him but then I'm wondering how desperate that will look. And I do not want to look desperate.

njs030 · 07-03-2017 07:13PM

Well backing off and offering to visit send opposite signals.
Just leave it for now and let him contact you.

ConfusedGirl17 · 07-03-2017 07:14PM

notjustsweet wrote: »

Well backing off and offering to visit send opposite signals.
Just leave it for now and let him contact you.

I will try that and see what happens

Rekop dog · 07-03-2017 08:39PM

He's probably just not a child and doesn't get much of a kick out of sexting. I mean who does, it's always a bit contrived and cringy tbh. Especially after you've already slept with him, the initial anticipation factor is gone.

If he always replies but not to the overly flirty stuff it shows me he is interested but just bored or awkward with sexting.

ConfusedGirl17 · 07-03-2017 09:37PM

Rekop dog wrote: »

He's probably just not a child and doesn't get much of a kick out of sexting. I mean who does, it's always a bit contrived and cringy tbh. Especially after you've already slept with him, the initial anticipation factor is gone.

If he always replies but not to the overly flirty stuff it shows me he is interested but just bored or awkward with sexting.

Yeah I thought it was a bit cringey when he first started it and then when we slept together, it stopped. So I can see your point there actually. He does always reply and asks me how I'm doing etc so he still seems interested in the convo.

racso1975 · 07-03-2017 10:45PM

I will go against the grain here.

Maybe take him at his word? Maybe he is flat ass broke and saving. He seems to be saying all the right things bar not texting. If the guy flat out says he does not do polite maybe he is that Strong silent type who does not initiate conversations too easily.

I'd offer to go see him and then male your judgement call after when you are around him and can pick up on physical and emotional signs as opposed to speculating

ConfusedGirl17 · 07-03-2017 11:28PM

racso1975 wrote: »

I will go against the grain here.

Maybe take him at his word? Maybe he is flat ass broke and saving. He seems to be saying all the right things bar not texting. If the guy flat out says he does not do polite maybe he is that Strong silent type who does not initiate conversations too easily.

I'd offer to go see him and then male your judgement call after when you are around him and can pick up on physical and emotional signs as opposed to speculating

Yeah you're spot on! I have a terrible habit of overthinking things. I know I don't like going anywhere when I'm really broke either. He can be quite shy at times.

I will take your advice and offer to visit him. I suppose he has said about coming down when he has a better wage and has many chances to say he won't be back down again.

Ursus Horribilis · 07-03-2017 11:49PM

Do you ever ring each other up and chat on the phone? It might sound old-fashioned but it sure beats texting.

njs030 · 08-03-2017 12:06AM

Op people are going to have different opinions. What I would be asking myself in your situation is had he changed?

It's one thing for a poster to say they find sexting cringey...but your man obviously didn't when he engaged in it. It's unlikely he's suddenly awkward about it if he wasn't then, he just doesn't want to anymore. So yes his behaviour has changed.

Was it always you contacting him and him replying? Or did he instigate conversation previously and now it's all left to you?

Instead of jumping on posts and swinging from one way to the other why don't you really think about what, if anything has changed?

ConfusedGirl17 · 08-03-2017 12:54AM

notjustsweet wrote: »

Op people are going to have different opinions. What I would be asking myself in your situation is had he changed?

It's one thing for a poster to say they find sexting cringey...but your man obviously didn't when he engaged in it. It's unlikely he's suddenly awkward about it if he wasn't then, he just doesn't want to anymore. So yes his behaviour has changed.

Was it always you contacting him and him replying? Or did he instigate conversation previously and now it's all left to you?

Instead of jumping on posts and swinging from one way to the other why don't you really think about what, if anything has changed?

He still talks and texts me everyday as normal. He just doesn't really sext anymore which isn't really a big deal to be honest. We haven't actually stopped talking at any point really. He still asks about how I'm doing and said we will meet up when he isn't so broke so maybe I am reading too much into it. He only really did flirt big time before we slept together the first time. My ex was the same and we lasted a year

Big Bag of Chips · 08-03-2017 01:09AM

I think being broke might be a bit of a white lie. Maybe he just wants you to make an effort too?! Maybe he's thinking all the things you're thinking. Is she interested? If I don't go to her, would she be bothered coming to me? I take it you've never offered to go visit him? So in a 7 week time span he's done all the running, and now you're questioning if he's losing interest!!

Simple solution is ring him. Ask him. You can tell a lot about a person and their feelings when you can hear their voice. I think you are playing too many games, holding off texting etc. What if he is playing similar games by holding off visiting?? Just be upfront with each other. You'll find out one way or another and at least then you'll know.

njs030 · 08-03-2017 01:27AM

ConfusedGirl17 wrote: »

He still talks and texts me everyday as normal. He just doesn't really sext anymore which isn't really a big deal to be honest. We haven't actually stopped talking at any point really. He still asks about how I'm doing and said we will meet up when he isn't so broke so maybe I am reading too much into it. He only really did flirt big time before we slept together the first time. My ex was the same and we lasted a year

Well if he's contacting you as much as he always did then yeah I think you may be over thinking it.

Sure offer to visit him and see how it goes, you'll know a lot more in person!

ConfusedGirl17 · 08-03-2017 02:16AM

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I think being broke might be a bit of a white lie. Maybe he just wants you to make an effort too?! Maybe he's thinking all the things you're thinking. Is she interested? If I don't go to her, would she be bothered coming to me? I take it you've never offered to go visit him? So in a 7 week time span he's done all the running, and now you're questioning if he's losing interest!!

Simple solution is ring him. Ask him. You can tell a lot about a person and their feelings when you can hear their voice. I think you are playing too many games, holding off texting etc. What if he is playing similar games by holding off visiting?? Just be upfront with each other. You'll find out one way or another and at least then you'll know.

This is actually the way advice I have gotten! I never looked at it this way. I was too worried that offering to go see him when he's broke or saying he can't come down would look desperate on my part. He really did make the effort. Even coming down on Valentine's Day as well just so he could spend time with me. You're right about the game playing. It's stupid and immature. I never even questioned how he might be thinking at all. I was talking to a mate tonight about it and she said the same thing you did. That maybe he's waiting to see what effort I make. Good idea on the calling him too. I will try that and see what happens.

ConfusedGirl17 · 08-03-2017 02:18AM

[/quote]

Well if he's contacting you as much as he always did then yeah I think you may be over thinking it.

Sure offer to visit him and see how it goes, you'll know a lot more in person![/quote]

I do tend to overthink a lot. That's my biggest problem unfortunately! I will offer to see him and then I'll know more like you say. I've been given lots of great advice on this from all of you and I really appreciate it!

ConfusedGirl17 · 12-03-2017 12:59AM

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I think being broke might be a bit of a white lie. Maybe he just wants you to make an effort too?! Maybe he's thinking all the things you're thinking. Is she interested? If I don't go to her, would she be bothered coming to me? I take it you've never offered to go visit him? So in a 7 week time span he's done all the running, and now you're questioning if he's losing interest!!

Simple solution is ring him. Ask him. You can tell a lot about a person and their feelings when you can hear their voice. I think you are playing too many games, holding off texting etc. What if he is playing similar games by holding off visiting?? Just be upfront with each other. You'll find out one way or another and at least then you'll know.

Just to update, I did offer to go and get him and he said that he is really broke at the minute. I then just asked him outright if he had any intention of actually coming down again and he said "yea just not this week

"
So I'm thinking of maybe backing off this week and see if he comes forward anymore and go from there?

Merkin · 12-03-2017 01:10AM

I'd just leave it tbh.

ConfusedGirl17 · 12-03-2017 01:13AM

Merkin wrote: »

I'd just leave it tbh.

Well the way I was seeing it was, I gave him his chance to say no or even just not reply and he didn't do either. Plus he has been texting a lot more regularly since as well.

Merkin · 12-03-2017 01:20AM

ConfusedGirl17 wrote: »

Well the way I was seeing it was, I gave him his chance to say no or even just not reply and he didn't do either. Plus he has been texting a lot more regularly since as well.

Which is exactly how you string someone along. You bestow enough attention so as not to completely irritate the other person to the point of having enough. You've offered to go and pick him up and he's said no. The nature of the contact has changed between you and he's not being at all proactive in instigating another meet up. I'm afraid it doesn't bode well.

ConfusedGirl17 · 12-03-2017 01:26AM

Merkin wrote: »

ConfusedGirl17 wrote: »

Well the way I was seeing it was, I gave him his chance to say no or even just not reply and he didn't do either. Plus he has been texting a lot more regularly since as well.

Which is exactly how you string someone along. You bestow enough attention so as not to completely irritate the other person to the point of having enough. You've offered to go and pick him up and he's said no. The nature of the contact has changed between you and he's not being at all proactive in instigating another meet up. I'm afraid it doesn't bode well.

Apparently he doesn't like going anywhere without no money and he has stated very clearly before that when he doesn't want to bother with someone anymore, he just doesn't, end of. That's why I'm confused a bit. He didn't say no, just not this week. He never instigated any of the other meet ups. That was me. He apparently doesn't like inviting himself places. Not even with me, with anyone. My friend did say he could be keeping there just enough so he can come down as and when he wants which I know is a possibility.

Losing interest or overthinking? Best move forward?

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