Twenty years on-do I reply?

aeolian sky · 25-02-2017 01:00AM #1

When I was 22 I dated a beautiful intelligent smart vivacious girl. She was 24. We dated for five years during which we had many holidays romantic weekends away got engaged and bought a house. I adored her and to friends and family we really seemed like the perfect couple – and we were. We were so happy but I never wanted children.I didn't want the responsibility but I think she thought that as I got older I would mellow and change my mind. I didn't and after five years I walked away from her. It was gut wrenching to leave but children were so important to her I couldn't stay in the relationship leading her to think that I may have children when I knew that I would not. After we split up I was heartbroken and I don't think that I really ever completely got over her.
Twenty years on and I received this message
" hi how are you. It took some time to track you down. I have often wondered what path your life took after we went our separate ways. I am married with two children and would love to know what you are up to and maybe meet up"
What do I do now? I am very curious and would love to meet and reminisce but am I just stiring up old emotions and pain of what might of been. She has her life now and her kids so for her it's just a bit of fun talking about the past but for me seeing her could be really painful. I never did have children and at the moment I am single and I'm okay with that but I just don't know what to do

eoinzy2000 · 25-02-2017 01:06AM

Nothing productive could come of it. She probably never got over you either. Youll be a shoulder to cry on about marital issues, I would guess, and have your head totally fooking wrecked. Ive been known to be wrong the odd time tho

The Princess Bride · 25-02-2017 01:11AM

There's probably a part of her that needs to be told that you never did have children.
I'd imagine she'd be gobsmacked if you had gone on to meet someone and have a family -but you haven't.

Don't assume that she's deliriously happy just because she's married with children. She might not be.
She "often wondered "about you? 20 years is a long time to often wonder about an ex.
Can you say you often thought of her before you received this message?

There'd be nothing wrong with meeting I suppose, it's whether or not you'd keep in touch after that initial meet which could pose problems.

silverharp · 25-02-2017 01:15AM

it sounds a bit odd, if i was her husband I wouldnt be thrilled by this , the past is the past. it could be perfectly above board but on the downside there could be some ulterior motive. At the same time you are a big boy so why not

eoinzy2000 · 25-02-2017 01:17AM

The Princess Bride wrote: »

There'd be nothing wrong with meeting I suppose, it's whether or not you'd keep in touch after that initial meet which could pose problems.

Ah, I dont know. I can see a whole lot of wrong with meeting. There already a tone of 'lost love'. The feeling remains and possibly some hidden hope? Theres so much headf**k there.
I cant see ANY good that could come fro it for the OP. What good can come of it? Maybe a reunion and she leaves her hubby and kids? Become best friends now? Hardly.
Hastle. Thats what you can expect. Hastle

Tokyo · 25-02-2017 01:29AM

The fact that she spent so long trying to track you down, and is already looking to meet up rings a couple of alarm bells for me, TBH. It is of course possible that she is being completely honest and was simply curious where life took you, but I were in the same position, I'd be wondering if she wasn't happy in her own life or marriage, and looking at the past trough rose tinted glasses and a sense of 'what might have been'.

Even if the above isn't true, can you honestly say that you are emotionally over her enough to be able to meet up without a faint hope that old feelings might return on her part? If not, I'd be cautious of wandering into dangerous territory, where she already has a husband and children. If you are going to find out more about her life, it may be wiser to stick to emails/messages for now at least, until you get a better sense of what's going on.

savemefrom · 25-02-2017 01:35AM

No harm to message back. But meeting up, not sure if a good idea

jimmycrackcorm · 25-02-2017 02:12AM

There's no harm in meeting up. It's just a connection to a significant and meaningful part of your lives.

The likelihood of it being more than that is insignificant.

barneystinson · 25-02-2017 02:16AM

eoinzy2000 wrote: »

Ah, I dont know. I can see a whole lot of wrong with meeting. There already a tone of 'lost love'. The feeling remains and possibly some hidden hope? Theres so much headf**k there.
I cant see ANY good that could come fro it for the OP. What good can come of it? Maybe a reunion and she leaves her hubby and kids? Become best friends now? Hardly.
Hastle. Thats what you can expect. Hastle

The last thing anyone wants is hastle in their cassle...

jameorahiely · 25-02-2017 02:24AM

Speaking from experience in this exact senario, This has diaster written all over it.

LegacyUser · 25-02-2017 03:27AM

Really? After twenty years you don't know what to do? What do you want to do?

I'll go against the grain here and suggest that ye do meet up. It will probably break your heart in some way, and you may well regret it but at least you'll know. Life isn't about avoiding mistakes, imo, it's about what you learn from making mistakes, from having mistakes, from having lived.

Worse case scenario you'll be no worse off because already you don't have her. You'll find out what you're missing, but let's be honest, you already know you're missing something. It might be her, it might not.

Picture it now, you walk into a room to meet someone you loved a long time ago. How do you feel? Do you suck in your stomach? Do you notice the grey in her hair? Did you shave to hide your own grey stubble?

She's spent time looking for you, so let's assume her marriage is merely "fine". It's not awful, it's not going to be made into a movie either. You are her great unknown, the one who could have made it all make sense. If her marriage was great she wouldn't put in the effort. If her marriage was awful she would already have left. So, she's in a "fine" marriage, what do you do? Sweep her away? Tell her to leave her husband? Tell her it's always been her, that she was the thought that never left your mind, the feeling that never left your heart?

Are you ready for that? No, of course not, if you were you wouldn't need to post here.

So, let's assume ye meet and ye strike up a friendship, which ye will, because both of ye want this thing ye have to mean something, this history, this common myth. Where does that go? Only you know, maybe it goes to secret hotel rooms in those drab hotels on the edges of towns, where the motorways meet the estates. Maybe it leads to closure, maybe it leads to love, who knows but find out you'll need to roll the dice. Do you want to?

If you were being executed at five o clock tomorrow afternoon, would you have wanted her to know you were thinking of her, even to the last? Maybe you've waited for twenty years for her to give you permission to get in touch, she has, so what do you want?

I would meet her, I'd be ready to make some mistakes. I'd rather feel sorry than not feel anything at all.

LegacyUser · 25-02-2017 03:39AM

Out of politeness and respect, I would say to reply but only on the proviso that you draw a very clear and distinct line that this is a once-off communication. eg:
"Hi <name>. Lovely to hear from you. Can you believe it's been around 20 years?!
I followed the path laid out for me and have never had children. I'm delighted to hear that you have 2, and know that you could only ever be a fantastic mum to them.
For numerous reasons, I will not be able to meet you in person or maintain contact.
Please know that you were a very important part of my life, and I wish you only every happiness, and as always, all the love in the world. Kind regards,<name>"

And leave it there. She's married, that's that.

Peintre Celebre · 25-02-2017 09:37AM

Meet her

leggo · 25-02-2017 09:43AM

DamnTheseVampires wrote: »

Really? After twenty years you don't know what to do? What do you want to do?

I'll go against the grain here and suggest that ye do meet up. It will probably break your heart in some way, and you may well regret it but at least you'll know. Life isn't about avoiding mistakes, imo, it's about what you learn from making mistakes, from having mistakes, from having lived.

Worse case scenario you'll be no worse off because already you don't have her. You'll find out what you're missing, but let's be honest, you already know you're missing something. It might be her, it might not.

Picture it now, you walk into a room to meet someone you loved a long time ago. How do you feel? Do you suck in your stomach? Do you notice the grey in her hair? Did you shave to hide your own grey stubble?

She's spent time looking for you, so let's assume her marriage is merely "fine". It's not awful, it's not going to be made into a movie either. You are her great unknown, the one who could have made it all make sense. If her marriage was great she wouldn't put in the effort. If her marriage was awful she would already have left. So, she's in a "fine" marriage, what do you do? Sweep her away? Tell her to leave her husband? Tell her it's always been her, that she was the thought that never left your mind, the feeling that never left your heart?

Are you ready for that? No, of course not, if you were you wouldn't need to post here.

So, let's assume ye meet and ye strike up a friendship, which ye will, because both of ye want this thing ye have to mean something, this history, this common myth. Where does that go? Only you know, maybe it goes to secret hotel rooms in those drab hotels on the edges of towns, where the motorways meet the estates. Maybe it leads to closure, maybe it leads to love, who knows but find out you'll need to roll the dice. Do you want to?

If you were being executed at five o clock tomorrow afternoon, would you have wanted her to know you were thinking of her, even to the last? Maybe you've waited for twenty years for her to give you permission to get in touch, she has, so what do you want?

I would meet her, I'd be ready to make some mistakes. I'd rather feel sorry than not feel anything at all.

That's all very Hollywood. In the real world, people don't walk into mistakes knowing they're mistakes, the pursuit of a Hollywood movie-kinda life is the kinda thing that inspires mental breakdowns when you put it into action.

The best case scenario here for the OP is an extra-marital affair that ends with two children being ripped away from their home. That's the reality if what (it seems like) he hopes happens comes to pass.

It's grand that you'd rather feel sorry and go through with that, but most people with a bit of empathy in place of a flair for the dramatic don't go into situations hoping to ruin children's lives.

OP walk away. There are 3 billion women in the world. This one wasn't for you and still isn't. Nothing to see here and you're just trying to meddle with a family if you do, whatever excuse you tell yourself if you go through with this meeting.

25-02-2017 09:43AM

kjklkk wrote: »

Out of politeness and respect, I would say to reply but only on the proviso that you draw a very clear and distinct line that this is a once-off communication. eg:
"Hi <name>. Lovely to hear from you. Can you believe it's been around 20 years?!
I followed the path laid out for me and have never had children. I'm delighted to hear that you have 2, and know that you could only ever be a fantastic mum to them.
For numerous reasons, I will not be able to meet you in person or maintain contact.
Please know that you were a very important part of my life, and I wish you only every happiness, and as always, all the love in the world. Kind regards,<name>"

And leave it there. She's married, that's that.

That's grim verging on brutal imo

OP, write out the best you hope for and the worst you fear from this meeting and take a good look at them over a cuppa. You'd have as good an idea then as you'll get from the thread I'd say.

If you fear that she might be after more than you are after, have a diversion or exit strategy ready.

If the opposite may be the case, dear god don't meet.

lawred2 · 25-02-2017 09:48AM

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

There's no harm in meeting up. It's just a connection to a significant and meaningful part of your lives.

The likelihood of it being more than that is insignificant.

Insignificant?

She went out of her way to find him

OldMrBrennan83 · 25-02-2017 09:52AM

This post has been deleted.

Mongfinder General · 25-02-2017 09:55AM

OP, she wants you. She went out of her way to find you. She's gotten married, had kids and is probably wondering well is this it? Probably bored as fcuk too.

I'd guess that you'd probably get a regular hook up out of it if you want, not to impugn any real feelings you have fit the girl. But lay down the rules if its headed that way. As long as you're not married/in a relationship then I don't see the problem at your end. Just make sure you can handle the husband if he finds out.

Big Bag of Chips · 25-02-2017 10:12AM

How far out of your way do you have to go these days to look someone up though, seriously? It's not too hard. I don't think this is as big a deal to her as it is to you. I had a boyfriend 20 years ago before I met my husband. In another time he could have been the one I married but for various reasons, we didn't. I have often thought about him over the 20 years even though I haven't seen him since the day we broke up. We have mutual friends and I occasionally hear a bit about where he is and what he's doing now. I live 100 miles away from these friends, so don't see them too often, and when I do conversation isn't dominated by him! But I occasionally hear tit-bits. He was a big part of my life for a long time and I'm interested in how he's getting on. I wouldn't contact him to meet up as I broke up with him and it wasn't particularly nice.

If things were different, and if they'd ended differently I'd like to meet up with him for a catch up. Not because my marriage is terrible, or I'm looking for a bit of something on the side, or because I'm bored, or my marriage is just 'ok'. I'd like to meet up for a chat and a catch up. It's been 20 years. I'd be thinking we've both moved on at this stage.

She's not to know, OP, that you haven't.

I think a polite, "lovely to hear from you. Hope you're well" should suffice. But don't think she contacted you because she still harbours something for you. Once upon a time you two were very close. It would be unusual if she didn't often think about you (often could be every 6 months, by the way!) and it would be unusual if she wasn't curious about how you turned out.

I don't think she is harbouring the same feelings that you are. Just speaking from someone in a somewhat similar situation.

XLR 8 · 25-02-2017 10:28AM

David Clarke wrote: »

When I was 22 I dated a beautiful intelligent smart vivacious girl. She was 24. We dated for five years during which we had many holidays romantic weekends away got engaged and bought a house. I adored her and to friends and family we really seemed like the perfect couple – and we were. We were so happy but I never wanted children.I didn't want the responsibility but I think she thought that as I got older I would mellow and change my mind. I didn't and after five years I walked away from her. It was gut wrenching to leave but children were so important to her I couldn't stay in the relationship leading her to think that I may have children when I knew that I would not. After we split up I was heartbroken and I don't think that I really ever completely got over her.
Twenty years on and I received this message
" hi how are you. It took some time to track you down. I have often wondered what path your life took after we went our separate ways. I am married with two children and would love to know what you are up to and maybe meet up"
What do I do now? I am very curious and would love to meet and reminisce but am I just stiring up old emotions and pain of what might of been. She has her life now and her kids so for her it's just a bit of fun talking about the past but for me seeing her could be really painful. I never did have children and at the moment I am single and I'm okay with that but I just don't know what to do

A twenty year old flame that still burns can still hurt. Be careful. The temptation to meet her will be enormous and the fact your still single tells its own story. You did the right thing all those years ago by walking away. Children are a huge issue for all couples. She became a mother and a wife your the one who hasn't changed. I hope what ever fork in the road you choose that you both end up happy. All the best dude.

Panrich · 25-02-2017 10:32AM

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

How far out of your way do you have to go these days to look someone up though, seriously? It's not too hard. I don't think this is as big a deal to her as it is to you. I had a boyfriend 20 years ago before I met my husband. In another time he could have been the one I married but for various reasons, we didn't. I have often thought about him over the 20 years even though I haven't seen him since the day we broke up. We have mutual friends and I often here a bit about where he is and what he's doing now. He was a big part of my life for a long time and I'm interested in how he's getting on. I wouldn't contact him to meet up as I broke up with him and it wasn't particularly nice.

If things were different, and if they'd ended differently I'd like to meet up with him for a catch up. Not because my marriage is terrible, or I'm looking for a bit of something on the side, or because I'm bored, or my marriage is just 'ok'. I'd like to meet up for a chat and a catch up. It's been 20 years. I'd be thinking we've both moved on at this stage.

She's not to know, OP, that you haven't.

I think a polite, "lovely to hear from you. Hope you're well" should suffice. But don't think she contacted you because she still harbours something for you. Once upon a time you two were very close. It would be unusual if she didn't often think about you (often could be every 6 months, by the way!) and it would be unusual if she wasn't curious about how you turned out.

I don't think she is harbouring the same feelings that you are. Just speaking from someone in a somewhat similar situation.

Is the situation similar though? Many people, like you outline, often wonder how their exes are now getting on and might like to catch up.
There is a step to actively seek out an ex partner after 20 years that very few people take, and if they do, I'd argue that they are certainly harbouring feelings of some sort.

Big Bag of Chips · 25-02-2017 10:39AM

Panrich wrote: »

There is a step to actively seek out an ex partner after 20 years that very few people take, and if they do, I'd argue that they are certainly harbouring feelings of some sort.

They don't necessarily have to be romantic feelings though. I would love to look up my ex and meet up with him. Aside from being in a relationship we were great friends too. But, I finished with him, so I don't think it's my place to contact him for a catch up! If he contacted me though I'd almost certainly agree to meet him. Not because I'd be hoping for anything to come from it though.

That is where the OP differs. He definitely still has those feelings. We can't say for definite that his ex feels the same way.

Edit: I just know, if I was married and still harboured feelings for an ex I would be less likely to contact them than if I had no romantic feelings for at all, and was more interested in a friendly reunion. All I'm saying is it's not a forgone conclusion that she still has romantic interest in you.

whiskeyman · 25-02-2017 10:51AM

I wouldn't bother tbh.
Neither of you really need it for any positive outcome to occur.
The way I always look at it, if she really cared about you she would have kept in touch or tried earlier.
I do the same with friends and ex's. You lose touch for a reason IMO.
Over 20 years???
Stay clear.

tara73 · 25-02-2017 11:43AM

you were (are) a very decent person this twenty years ago when you let her go and didn't let her on for your own 'happiness'.

Don't ruin this now after 20 years. As others already said, what is the most possible outcome if you meet up with her? you are still into each other and will ruin a marriage with kids. Do you really want that?
And I don't think she's a decent person to contact you now in this way.

Let her go again.
You say you are single and you are fine with it. But maybe it's a good idea to look a bit more to find a partner?

Dial Hard · 25-02-2017 12:07PM

kjklkk wrote:

Out of politeness and respect, I would say to reply but only on the proviso that you draw a very clear and distinct line that this is a once-off communication. eg: "Hi . Lovely to hear from you. Can you believe it's been around 20 years?! I followed the path laid out for me and have never had children. I'm delighted to hear that you have 2, and know that you could only ever be a fantastic mum to them. For numerous reasons, I will not be able to meet you in person or maintain contact. Please know that you were a very important part of my life, and I wish you only every happiness, and as always, all the love in the world. Kind regards,"

Ouch. If I was her I'd rather get no reply at all than that one.

mrsdewinter · 25-02-2017 12:23PM

If you still have feelings for this woman, please don't meet up. No good can come from raking over the coals here.

JustAThought · 25-02-2017 12:26PM

Interesting. I had bolt from the blue phone call to my parents house looking to track me down after 20 years. Long passionate stormy heartcrushing story. They didn't tell me! Followed by letter to their address which I happened to get while staying there over Christmas. It is still burning a hole in my desk. I have come to the regretful conclusion that it is 20 yeara past, I no longer know this person for 4 times as long as I knew them, I know old Feelings & the same entrenched ussues will arise, and we both will be hurt from it. The letter is staying in my desk - I am not replying. Let them think I am out of range or for you that they have the email or wrong person. You will be the homewrecker, ruin her childrens family, probably cause unestimable hurt to the father/husband and their family. All for what? A memory of 20 years ago. A relationship that didn't work. A flirt and peep under the middle aged covers. Let the past lie, don't respond & don't go there. Dragons that will shred the peace and destroy all around them are poised to devour.

JillyQ · 25-02-2017 12:48PM

Hi op I was in the exact same situation as you a couple of years ago. A guy who I was seeing in my early 20s contact me (he was always my what if guy) to say I was stunned was a understatement but i was happy he did. Our roles in this were the exact opposite to you I'm the one with no children he is married with two. I did meet him and am glad that I did as it made us realise we made the right decision 20 odd years ago, however we have maintained a friendship which is pretty good. So my advise is going meet her.

LegacyUser · 25-02-2017 12:57PM

I was on the opposite side.

A long time ago I had a couple of dates with a girl that I liked but it didn't go anywhere. I had some minor regrets (I seemed to like her more than she liked me) but didn't dwell on it and went on to get married and have children.

20 years later I was in my parents house at the beginning of April and found a birthday card than she had given me (pretty sure she gave it to me on our second date). Out of curiosity I went looking for her on Facebook and found who I thought was her. And just sent her a brief message "hi, remember me? Hope you are doing well etc". Got no response so just assumed I had got the wrong person or she didn't want to get back in touch. Didn't give it a second thought.

Six months later I got a reply. It was the girl and she had just seen my message. It was a polite enough reply. She was married with children too. I sent her back an update of what I had been doing for the last 20 years and we gradually started chatting over the next few days. We seemed to click a lot more than we had in 1990 and after about four or five weeks of this, it was getting flirtatious. Ultimately we met up a few times and had a brief affair. She became more intense and wanted us to keep going. The guilt got to me and I put a stop to it. She wasn't happy.

I'm still in a fine marriage and I've carried this guilt with me ever since. My cross to bear and entirely my fault.

I went looking into the past (just for a glimpse) and got way more than I bargained for. Sometimes the past is best left untouched. Bear that in mind if you decide to meet her.

eoinzy2000 · 25-02-2017 02:18PM

Id trade all my tomorrows for a single yesterday......<Mod snip - per our charter no vids please>

Neyite · 25-02-2017 02:25PM

I had the letter through my parents door some years ago. It seemed friendly and unassuming. I ran it past friends who also thought it was just a face from the past looking to catch up on old times.

So I met him for coffee. He'd gotten married 2 years before, to the woman he got together with after me and was unhappy, he said he wanted to divorce her. They were together about 15 or so years. He was bored and to cut a long story short, he just wanted a bit on the side. So I dropped contact again. I was fine with it, but then I had no residual feelings for him.

It may be just a friend from your past assuming that you are long over her. Or it could be someone in a boring marriage who is looking for a flirtation /affair. But either way, meeting her will take something from you emotionally or open up old hurts. And I'm not sure that there is any benefit to meeting her based on that.

If you do decide to though, I would take Mike's suggestion and keep it to messages or email first to gauge what is really going on.

Something to bear in mind, though it's potentially way down the line: You never wanted children and remain happy with that choice. If it is that she's still got feelings and wants to leave her marriage for you, she will come with that baggage you never wanted. Separated parents share custody, usually with the mum getting the greater portion of the custody. So even if you were to see that you both had those old feelings, your reason for breaking up originally is still present - more present even - because those children are not future hypotheticals any more.

Twenty years on-do I reply?

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