Twenty years on-do I reply?

neonsofa

The cynical pqrt of me is thinking that it seems she went and got married and had her children and now that things aren't as happy as they could be she is seeking you out to see if thats a possibility because she will no longer want to have babies with you, and that was you're only issue- almost like she sees it as best of both worlds now- she has the children she always wanted, you don't have to give her children, ye both got what ye wanted and can live happily ever after together. And we all know it doesn't work like that. Maybe I'm being too cynical though.

Purple Mountain

Sounds like the proverbial rose tinted glasses here..

amtc

It could be just a simple hello! I bumped into my ex's brother through work and enquired after him. He gave me his details and mailed him. We met up and said hi. It was lovely and we laughed lots. Got text at Christmas and I texted him on birthday. Just spent an hour laughing and thinking about old songs. I'll get a text on my birthday...but that's it.

I don't think any harm in just replying! You're not embarking on an affair. It'd be only manners to say hi back.

JustAThought

amtc wrote: »

It could be just a simple hello! I bumped into my ex's brother through work and enquired after him. He gave me his details and mailed him. We met up and said hi. It was lovely and we laughed lots. Got text at Christmas and I texted him on birthday. Just spent an hour laughing and thinking about old songs. I'll get a text on my birthday...but that's it.

I don't think any harm in just replying! You're not embarking on an affair. It'd be only manners to say hi back.

No. It's anything but mannerly to go into something that could destroy three innocent lives - the two children & their father/her husband. these two were together five years, had bought a house together & were planning on getting married -
And were madly in love when HE (OP) broke upwith her - that is a lot deeper than a regular ex.

amtc

Oh I had bought a house with my ex and was engaged. It was really good for me to be able to say hi...and bye. Blurred over all the sharp edges. It was nice to do so

In this case I don't see the issue in saying hi. Unless feelings still involved!

Guy Sajer

Don't be a doormat for her OP. It could have been you married to her only for her to be seeking other guys. I think she is disrespecting you and her husband.

duffman13

I'd be running a mile to be honest. You've nothing to gain. Even if she is deeply unhappy and you guys hit it off and it's incredible being together she stills has two kids in her life. Something you've never wanted, it could all be innocent but you don't be thinking what ever happened to my ex if everything is great in your life currently.

Curiosity can get the better of you but maybe tell her about yourself and that meeting wouldn't be a great idea for various reasons. As another poster said, she may still be looking for a bit of closure that you didn't have kids etc

LegacyUser

David Clarke wrote: »

When I was 22 I dated a beautiful intelligent smart vivacious girl. She was 24. We dated for five years during which we had many holidays romantic weekends away got engaged and bought a house. I adored her and to friends and family we really seemed like the perfect couple – and we were. We were so happy but I never wanted children.I didn't want the responsibility but I think she thought that as I got older I would mellow and change my mind. I didn't and after five years I walked away from her. It was gut wrenching to leave but children were so important to her I couldn't stay in the relationship leading her to think that I may have children when I knew that I would not. After we split up I was heartbroken and I don't think that I really ever completely got over her.
Twenty years on and I received this message
" hi how are you. It took some time to track you down. I have often wondered what path your life took after we went our separate ways. I am married with two children and would love to know what you are up to and maybe meet up"
What do I do now? I am very curious and would love to meet and reminisce but am I just stiring up old emotions and pain of what might of been. She has her life now and her kids so for her it's just a bit of fun talking about the past but for me seeing her could be really painful. I never did have children and at the moment I am single and I'm okay with that but I just don't know what to do

If the woman in question was merely married - and possibly in an unhappy marriage - I would say go ahead and meet up! (If that's what your heart tells you)

I don't personally respect the institution of marriage, as I think it's a meaningless piece of paper. So that would not stop me one bit tbh.

However, this woman has children. You need to be very careful what you do here, because it might have very big consequences for their lives... They don't deserve to have their world totally flipped on it's head, just because the adults couldn't make the right decisions in their lives!

If the kids are young - based on your age I'm assuming they could be - I would keep my distance and be a responsible adult about this. Say hello, and wish her well. But don't meet up...

tara73

duffman13 wrote: »

As another poster said, she may still be looking for a bit of closure that you didn't have kids etc

this. I think this is a big possibility. Maybe she's just looking for closure and it's very difficult to say it directly via E-mail.
So I think mailing her briefly where you stand privately ( just telling her you have no kids, anything about relationshipstatus I wouldn't call necessary) and wishing her all the best but not meeting up is a good way to go.

Big Bag of Chips

amtc wrote: »

In this case I don't see the issue in saying hi. Unless feelings still involved!

David Clarke wrote: »

I am very curious and would love to meet and reminisce but am I just stiring up old emotions and pain of what might of been. She has her life now and her kids so for her it's just a bit of fun talking about the past but for me seeing her could be really painful. I never did have children and at the moment I am single and I'm okay with that but I just don't know what to do

I think it's safe to say feelings could very easily be still involved here, at least on OP's side anyway. Best to avoid a potentially upsetting or damaging situation. You've gone 20 years without seeing her. Meeting up with her isn't necessary. And you're conflicted. I'd say, at this point, let it go. Maybe in another 20 years things will be different for you.....

silverharp

being "logical" the fact that she has her own kids means she shouldnt have too many regrets, if it hadnt worked out for her I would get that she was sore but any alternate path would mean she would be wishing her kids away.

Ursus Horribilis

David Clarke wrote: »

After we split up I was heartbroken and I don't think that I really ever completely got over her...

What do I do now? I am very curious and would love to meet and reminisce but am I just stirring up old emotions and pain of what might have been.

I've bolded two pieces from your original post here. Even though you say you're single at the moment and are OK with that, are you not even a little bit lonely?

Nobody can say for sure what your ex's motivations are but I can't see it ending well for you. There's a real whiff of unfinished business here. That if only she hadn't wanted children, the pair of you might still have been together. Probably it's not wise to meet up with her if you feel it'll make you grieve for what you never had.

Bandana boy

Go ahead and meet up , sounds like this could have been the love of your life and the barrier of kids was what kept you apart .
The kids barrier is gone , maybe this will lead to you getting back together.
The kids and Husband thing is her issue not yours and for her to deal with .

Lex Luthor

Lifes too short for regrets. You probably wouldn't be asking the question here if you had a definite decision in your head not to meet her. If the majority on here say to stay away, what will you do? You must be really curious, she was a big part of your life and you got engaged and bought a house. If her marriage was perfect (and whose is?) she wouldn't be contacting you, but she is

Who knows, you might be able to sit down and have a coffee with her and just catch up. She has only said she wants to know what you are doing and "Maybe" meet up. Go for it..!!!

Mr. Incognito

I'd message but not meet.

I'd respect her marriage even if she doesnt.

I have an ex I was with for eight years who met someone else, got married and had a kid within two years who drops me the odd message.

I don't reply beyond a hope the family is doing well - take care.

I loved and still love her, but that door is closed now. She made a choice to get married. That's it. Live with the consequences.

Lex Luthor

She's obviously found you through some form of social media like Facebook. No harm to message back to acknowledge her contact.

professore

I'm concerned she wants to meet up. Could she not just chat to you on Facebook or something? I've a few exes I've chatted to very occasionally, one in particular who was going through a horrible divorce, when I was having problems myself, and I think we helped each other greatly.

However my wife knew about it, and one time she was in Ireland ( she lives in the UK ) we were going to meet up with her kids, and my wife and kids, to chat. It fell through due to logistics.

I had feelings for her and she me I'm pretty sure, but we both respected my marriage. If you do meet, make sure her husband is there.

timmy880

She states the effort she went to track you down and suggests meeting up before you've even had a chance to get small talk out of the way?

She's bored/unfulfilled with her married life and is seeking some excitement. Don't give her the satisfaction of it! Unless you actually want to I suppose...

Either way, good luck sir!