Breadwinners

FlawedGenius · 05-02-2017 10:51PM

Ush1 wrote: »

Any body else here the sole breadwinner of their family?

I am myself and find it increasingly rare to find other people in the same boat, most families these days seem to have dual incomes.

My wife stays at home and looks after my son. We made that decision based on preferring not to have him in a creche. Has our society gone wrong somewhere that dual incomes and children in creches is the norm?

Arent you great

afatbollix · 05-02-2017 10:53PM

My wife went to school and had great leaving results.

Went to Uni and got a degree then spent 10 years working her way up a career.

All that to end up at home? Even if it cost more to go back to work after childcare I think she would go back to work.

Also in the 1980s houses were 10 grand and you could pay a mortgage on one income whereas now you need two, which is kinda why houses have gone up so much because two wages means more money for houses!

Ayuntamiento · 05-02-2017 11:01PM

Ush1 wrote: »

Any body else here the sole breadwinner of their family?

I am myself and find it increasingly rare to find other people in the same boat, most families these days seem to have dual incomes.

My wife stays at home and looks after my son. We made that decision based on preferring not to have him in a creche. Has our society gone wrong somewhere that dual incomes and children in creches is the norm?

I'd be bored to tears staying at home with a child.
Thank God women have the option to go out to work these days. I'm also thankful we have contraception.
We wouldn't be having a conversation about women in the workplace if women still had to endure pregnancy after pregnancy from the second they got married until menopause.

PARlance · 05-02-2017 11:06PM

biko wrote: »

Why do you say "my son" and not "our son"?

mariaalice wrote: »

Do you mean our son by any chance

Now, this is interesting. Are you both claiming ownership of "the son"?

You could have a duel up there on that pedantic high horse.

Permabear · 06-02-2017 12:39AM

This post has been deleted.

BelovedAunt · 06-02-2017 01:11AM

mariaalice wrote: »

Do you mean our son by any chance

Ah ffs, give it a rest. He's on boards on his own account, so he's obviously aiming the "my" at us, not his wife. Please go and be triggered somewhere else.

Widdershins · 06-02-2017 01:17AM

I find it a bit odd the way some people find the idea of spending every day with their own children so awful.

Electric Sheep · 06-02-2017 01:45AM

Merrick Defeated Technology wrote: »

It's not just about the money aspect, many women can't wait to go back to work and would go mad being stuck at home full time being a home maker and relying on their husbands wage.

However, THEIR mothers should be delighted to stay at home watching their grandchildren for free?

Ayuntamiento · 06-02-2017 08:39AM

Widdershins wrote: »

I find it a bit odd the way some people find the idea of spending every day with their own children so awful.

I notice most of my facebook friends who are 'full time mammies' seem to spend the entirety of their (very busy) day sharing memes on how hard it is to be a full-time mother and how much they sacrifice for their kids.
I often wonder why they bothered if it's that awful.
I don't sit around all day sharing memes on how hard it is to work a full-time job ðŸ˜€

silverharp · 06-02-2017 09:02AM

Ayuntamiento wrote: »

I notice most of my facebook friends who are 'full time mammies' seem to spend the entirety of their (very busy) day sharing memes on how hard it is to be a full-time mother and how much they sacrifice for their kids.
I often wonder why they bothered if it's that awful.
I don't sit around all day sharing memes on how hard it is to work a full-time job ðŸ˜€

send them a meme of a mother from the 1950's with 8 or 9 kids no fridge or washing machine :pac:

neonsofa · 06-02-2017 09:10AM

Widdershins wrote: »

I find it a bit odd the way some people find the idea of spending every day with their own children so awful.

I don't. Spending all day every day with just one person is difficult. Throw in the fact that this person is entirely dependent on you for a long time for every single thing, you don't get to talk to other adults for a lot of the time, your brain kind of stops working properly because all your activities revolve around the child 24/7 (maybe less if you have a supportive partner, I didn't so can't comment) it's really tough and draining for a lot of people.

Yes, being with your children is sacred and you do all that out of love, but I find it refreshing that people are more willing to admit now that it is a hard job in itself and it's not all rainbows and butterflies being with a child 24/7. I was unemployed for a while a few years back and if my child hadn't been in school half the day I would have found it tough, there is absolutely no shame in saying that. Doesn't mean you love your child less or you're less of a mother and the sooner parents are comfortable sharing things like that the better imo. I think it's refreshing people can admit the fact that parenthood is a difficult job! Absolutely rewarding but very tough and saying that is more than OK imo.

whoopsadoodles · 06-02-2017 09:10AM

hynesie08 wrote: »

I can't fathom the idea of expecting your parents to mind your kids after they've already raised you and your siblings.

What if they want to do it? It's not that hard to fathom at all.

ToddyDoody · 06-02-2017 09:12AM

Where did the term come from.... the bible?

suicide_circus · 06-02-2017 09:16AM

In a pro choice world this something most people don't have a choice on

Robineen · 06-02-2017 09:43AM

whoopsadoodles wrote: »

What if they want to do it? It's not that hard to fathom at all.

That's fine but I could certainly envisage grandparents being leaned on to do it, guilt-tripped. And saying they are fine with it. It's all benefit for the parents but not so much for the grandparents.

OldMrBrennan83 · 06-02-2017 09:46AM

This post has been deleted.

Robineen · 06-02-2017 10:15AM

Patww79 wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

I'm friends with a 50-something childess married couple. They have a great lifestyle. Now, they have good jobs and if they had kids, they wouldn't be struggling but not having children means they have a very comfortable life. It wouldn't be for everyone but they seem to enjoy it!

jaja321 · 06-02-2017 10:15AM

We're expecting a baby this summer and already a couple of people have asked my husband if I'll return to work or not. No one has asked him if he'll work after the baby is born..the automatic assumption seems to be that it would be me giving up my career. This is despite the fact that we're both in permanent jobs and earn roughly the same. Bizarre that this expectation is still around.

Widdershins · 06-02-2017 10:16AM

Ayuntamiento wrote: »

I notice most of my facebook friends who are 'full time mammies' seem to spend the entirety of their (very busy) day sharing memes on how hard it is to be a full-time mother and how much they sacrifice for their kids.
I often wonder why they bothered if it's that awful.
I don't sit around all day sharing memes on how hard it is to work a full-time job ðŸ˜€

So do a few of mine but most of the SAHM's are very enthusiastic and they also see it as a privilege.

Widdershins · 06-02-2017 10:18AM

neonsofa wrote: »

I don't. Spending all day every day with just one person is difficult. Throw in the fact that this person is entirely dependent on you for a long time for every single thing, you don't get to talk to other adults for a lot of the time, your brain kind of stops working properly because all your activities revolve around the child 24/7 (maybe less if you have a supportive partner, I didn't so can't comment) it's really tough and draining for a lot of people.

Yes, being with your children is sacred and you do all that out of love, but I find it refreshing that people are more willing to admit now that it is a hard job in itself and it's not all rainbows and butterflies being with a child 24/7. I was unemployed for a while a few years back and if my child hadn't been in school half the day I would have found it tough, there is absolutely no shame in saying that. Doesn't mean you love your child less or you're less of a mother and the sooner parents are comfortable sharing things like that the better imo. I think it's refreshing people can admit the fact that parenthood is a difficult job! Absolutely rewarding but very tough and saying that is more than OK imo.

Thank you for that and I'm sorry to sound judgemental. However from reading another of your comments I got the impression you believe in spending 'quality' time with your child, and you have struck a balance. That's not what I had in mind when I commented about people finding the idea awful. I know people who've been asked how they put up with their own children and I know people who talk as if the summer holidays are a prison sentence. Some people like spending more time with their children and playing as much of an active role in their education as possible. Others seem to regard interactions with kids as a constant battle of wills. It seems like stay at home parenting is more frowned on or misunderstood than creche childcare.

neonsofa · 06-02-2017 10:45AM

Widdershins wrote: »

Thank you for that and I'm sorry to sound judgemental. However from reading another of your comments I got the impression you believe in spending 'quality' time with your child, and you have struck a balance. That's not what I had in mind when I commented about people finding the idea awful.

No need to apologise!

It's hard to strike that balance if you spend 24/7 with them though. I would imagine it is very hard to remain enthusiastic and offer quality fun time to your child when your everyday routine revolves around them and they are (without sounding awful myself) essentially your full time job. I cherish the time I have with my child because I don't actually spend one on one time with her as often as other people. Weekends are our only uninterrupted time that isn't running around to and fro. It's easy for me to say I value our time together because it's a welcome break from work, if I was with her all day every day she would be my work, if that makes sense. And I think that's why it is so difficult for people being a stay at home parent- they don't have an outlet, a break and change of scenery, a chance to do something different to unwind. My time with my child is that, but if I was with her all day I don't think I'd feel the same! It takes a lot of patience and can be quite isolating at times (was for me when I was unemployed anyway) and those who do a good job at raising their children in the home really do have my respect.

Wanderer78 · 06-02-2017 10:49AM

Ush1 wrote:

My wife stays at home and looks after my son. We made that decision based on preferring not to have him in a creche. Has our society gone wrong somewhere that dual incomes and children in creches is the norm?

Yup neoliberalism and free market economics is a bust!

BelovedAunt · 06-02-2017 10:50AM

jaja321 wrote: »

We're expecting a baby this summer and already a couple of people have asked my husband if I'll return to work or not. No one has asked him if he'll work after the baby is born..the automatic assumption seems to be that it would be me giving up my career. This is despite the fact that we're both in permanent jobs and earn roughly the same. Bizarre that this expectation is still around.

Nothing bizarre about it. Far more women choose to become stay at home parents than men, so it's a logical question to ask.

jaja321 · 06-02-2017 10:58AM

BelovedAunt wrote: »

Nothing bizarre about it. Far more women choose to become stay at home parents than men, so it's a logical question to ask.

In this day and age I would disagree. The expectation seems to be on the woman. If they had to ask at all..they could have more appropriately asked if either of us planned on staying home after the baby was born. The expectation that it would be me, is unfair.

06-02-2017 10:59AM

Electric Sheep wrote: »

However, THEIR mothers should be delighted to stay at home watching their grandchildren for free?

Retired in most instance and from my experience many insist on doing the childminding.

John_Rambo wrote: »

In our family grandparents enjoy and spoil the grandkids. They don't rear them so it's childcare for us. It's expensive, but worth it. Grandkids meeting up with grandparents is a treat, not a chore.

It's not a chore for many grandparents to do the childminding either. They don't want to see their children waste 1000's of euro needlessly on childcare and leave their kids with strangers rather than with family. You could easily pay the mortgage on an investment property with change left over for the cost I see some people pay for childcare in posts on here.

Of course I'm not saying everyone can do it because of proximity to family but then again as I said earlier living close to one or other family would be a requirement of having kids. Even if not for minding everyday but to have baby sitters that can be easily called upon. I see with people with family close by are still able to come out much more often for a session on a Saturday night or go away for a weekend or a two day wedding etc.

jester77 · 06-02-2017 11:09AM

jaja321 wrote: »

In this day and age I would disagree. The expectation seems to be on the woman. If they had to ask at all..they could have more appropriately asked if either of us planned on staying home after the baby was born. The expectation that it would be me, is unfair.

Another reason is that men can't breastfeed, so a lot of people assume that the mother will be at home feeding the child.

jaja321 · 06-02-2017 11:12AM

jester77 wrote: »

Another reason is that men can't breastfeed, so a lot of people assume that the mother will be at home feeding the child.

Sure. But the question put to my husband was whether I would return to work. It's unlikely a woman would be breastfeeding permanently!

BelovedAunt · 06-02-2017 11:13AM

jaja321 wrote: »

In this day and age I would disagree. The expectation seems to be on the woman. If they had to ask at all..they could have more appropriately asked if either of us planned on staying home after the baby was born. The expectation that it would be me, is unfair.

I can see your point but if I found out that a male friend was becoming a stay at home dad I would say to myself "that's quite rare" whereas if it was a female friend choosing to stay at home, while it's becoming rarer, it still is far more common than men doing it.

Graces7 · 06-02-2017 11:16AM

Robineen wrote: »

That's fine but I could certainly envisage grandparents being leaned on to do it, guilt-tripped. And saying they are fine with it. It's all benefit for the parents but not so much for the grandparents.

I have a friend whose daughter in law became pregnant unexpectedly in her 40s and was planning to put the baby up for adoption as she felt too old to raise a child.

Granny took over and raised the little one; had her with her every day all day. Revelled in it.

06-02-2017 11:21AM

jaja321 wrote: »

Sure. But the question put to my husband was whether I would return to work. It's unlikely a woman would be breastfeeding permanently!

Your husband can't have kids either, people usually have more than one child so it makes no sense for the father to give up work as if the mother goes back to work and then a year later is off for 9 months again on maternity leave so either neither are working which can't happen or the father has to try get back into the workforce after taking time off which might be difficult and also makes career progression more difficult. Men also can only get limited paternity leave compared to maternity payments for a woman so it makes more sense for her to be the one staying at home while she is receiving this money.

I'm not saying either should give up work but if one does it makes far far more sense for it to be the woman.

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