How come Tinder is so difficult?

Permabear · 08-12-2016 02:16PM

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08-12-2016 02:24PM

Permabear wrote: »

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It's not a great consolation though to think, as a short man, that you need to let what should be the best years of your life (from a dating point of view at least) run their course before those women who you would have wanted to have fancied you during your 20s, only consider you for dating after having *themselves* gotten to have fun during *their* 20s by getting with predominantly tall lads. How could any man enjoy knowing they are the guy a girl "settled for" - how humiliating and devoid of genuine satisfaction.

Most lads are the opposite - they will not even try to get with Ms. Perfect 10 as you say because they assume they are not attractive etc. enough. Most lads are prepared to consider dating/getting with the majority of women, even aiming only for girls of average attactiveness.

As for flat-chestedness in girls - I don't recall ever hearing a male acquaintance of mine ever dismiss a girl for that reason - it's honestly not something that would even enter my head. I also doubt flat-chestedness has as much of a negative correlation as lack of male height with sense of contentment with their body, perceived sexual attractiveness by the opposite sex etc. not to mention stuff like career success, sporting prowess etc.

As regards your last point - I agree insofar as I think womens expectations, demands, "aspirations" with regard to who they are willing to consider dating have risen drastically in the last 30 years lets say, in tandem I suppose with hugely increased expactations in all other areas of life. How many people now are content, when they buy a house, to buy their furniture/contents over the course of say 5 years as might have been the case 30 years ago? People now demand to have their house filled with stuff within a few months at least. People now demand the highest standards and feel that, whatever about what anyone else is willing to "put up with", *they* are only willing to accept the best.

Stealthfins · 08-12-2016 02:27PM

Permabear wrote:

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This is an Irish attitude,you won't see it anywhere else.

Go to the UK and you'll see female doctors vet's and barristers married and going out with barmen, forestry workers, waiters, police men,, farm hands,gardeners...etc

These women are successful and don't have the measure their men's merit on the man's success....

If only these Tinder brats would grow up.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 08-12-2016 02:39PM

You can't spend half an hour on reddit without seeing American, British and Aussie men complaining about women with that entitled attitude.

Permabear · 08-12-2016 02:41PM

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08-12-2016 02:50PM

Permabear wrote: »

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I suppose just like I can sense a discrepancy between what I know I feel about my lack of height and my impression of what women think I should feel, so I could be underestimating how flat-chested women feel about their breasts; it could well be a huge deal to them and me saying I don't see it as an issue does not change or invalidate how they feel and know they feel.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 08-12-2016 02:51PM

Permabear wrote: »

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I'd say the surgery being safer, more affordable and better is a big driver behind that increase. Not that it's not something that can be a huge problem for people, just not sure that it's more so now than in the past.

It really can be devastating to people's confidence. I know two women who had the surgery, I've heard other women say they don't feel like a real woman because they're flat chested. I'm pretty scarcely endowed and it really did bother me when I was younger. Older and more comfortable in my skin now, but I am left with a fascination with big breasts!

Potatoeman · 08-12-2016 02:53PM

Deleted User wrote: »

It's not a great consolation though to think, as a short man, that you need to let what should be the best years of your life (from a dating point of view at least) run their course before those women who you would have wanted to have fancied you during your 20s, only consider you for dating after having *themselves* gotten to have fun during *their* 20s by getting with predominantly tall lads.

Most lads are the opposite - they will not even try to get with Ms. Perfect 10 as you say because they assume they are not attractive etc. enough. Most lads are prepared to consider dating/getting with the majority of women, even aiming only for girls of average attactiveness.

As for flat-chestedness in girls - I don't recall ever hearing a male acquaintance of mine ever dismiss a girl for that reason - it's honestly not something that would even enter my head. I also doubt flat-chestedness has as much of a negative correlation as lack of male height with sense of contentment with their body, perceived sexual attractiveness by the opposite sex etc. not to mention stuff like career success, sporting prowess etc.

As regards your last point - I agree insofar as I think womens expectations, demands, "aspirations" with regard to who they are willing to consider dating have risen drastically in the last 30 years lets say, in tandem I suppose with hugely increased expactations in all other areas of life. How many people now are content, when they buy a house, to buy their furniture/contents over the course of say 5 years as might have been the case 30 years ago? People now demand to have their house filled with stuff within a few months at least. People now demand the highest standards and feel that, whatever about what anyone else is willing to "put up with", *they* are only willing to accept the best.

It really depends, I know girls that had loads of guys after them in their twenties that are relationship repelant now. Too eager for a relationship with anyone. At the same time, guys that struggled in their twenties and have loads of women after them in their thirties.

Salrub · 08-12-2016 02:55PM

Knex. wrote: »

Would you ever just make a joke about your height, or a lighthearted reference/acknowledgement, when first talking to a woman in a bar? It seems you have this built up in your head, and usually a good way of breaking those barriers, even with yourself, is humour.

You'll instantly be addressing the elephant in the room so to speak, and you can relax a bit and be more of yourself from there. Instead of dreading that they mention it, or fearing they'll be put off by your height, you're pretty much hurdling that mental blockade for yourself from the off.

It didn't really bother me that much in the past but it's just in these last 6 months since my ex broke up with me, effectively for someone else and I'm probably my own worst enemy in now I see I'm not the tallest, going light on top with my hair and I'm in my early 30's and feel like I'll never meet someone again the way I connected with ex. Suppose my confidence is low and I know I'm magnifying the height issues and my other "flaws" but I know it's a mindset which I am trying hard to overcome

Stealthfins · 08-12-2016 03:00PM

Amirah Alive Sediment wrote:

You can't spend half an hour on reddit without seeing American, British and Aussie men complaining about women with that entitled attitude.

No way

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 08-12-2016 03:05PM

Salrub wrote: »

It didn't really bother me that much in the past but it's just in these last 6 months since my ex broke up with me, effectively for someone else and I'm probably my own worst enemy in now I see I'm not the tallest, going light on top with my hair and I'm in my early 30's and feel like I'll never meet someone again the way I connected with ex. Suppose my confidence is low and I know I'm magnifying the height issues and my other "flaws" but I know it's a mindset which I am trying hard to overcome

I don't mean to sound patronising but it is a big positive that you have that degree of self awareness about the situation.

Six months is not long out from a break up, I'm sure we're all familiar with how slow and difficult it can be to get the confidence back after that. I think you come across as a sound man, you're obviously smart, and you don't have a bitter or angry attitude to women. Plus you're in your thirties now, height and hair are going to be far less important than the last time you were on the dating scene.

I'd say you'll be grand, chin up!

Permabear · 08-12-2016 03:09PM

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08-12-2016 03:15PM

Permabear wrote: »

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So much for "progress" as time goes on and technology advances huh ..

The Talking Bread · 08-12-2016 03:17PM

Deleted User wrote: »

It's not a great consolation though to think, as a short man, that you need to let what should be the best years of your life (from a dating point of view at least) run their course before those women who you would have wanted to have fancied you during your 20s, only consider you for dating after having *themselves* gotten to have fun during *their* 20s by getting with predominantly tall lads.

.

I am going to sound very harsh here but would you have certain prejudices about potential partners as well? Weight for example. Or do you have a certain standard that you are attracted to and these are the only ones you fel rejected by?

Everyone has standards, no matter how morally sufficient it is to say "I wouldn't rule a prospective partner out because of their weight/height/tattoos/smoking/occupation/even race."

You may not notice it but a certain type of girl may pass you by and you wouldn't blink your eyes at her. Your line of thought suggests you have conceded that you can't have what you want.
Your height is an issue for girls, but your confidence and probably general demeanour that comes across when you are at a bar and a girl approaches and in your mind you "know" she isn't interested in you.

Again this is going to sound harsh but you may have to widen your own personal standard setting (if you haven't already). That will build your confidence inevitably and you will learn how to throw the negative "height" thoughts to the back of your mind and just focus on your good aspects which are seemingly hidden behind your height paronia from what I detect reading your posts.

Don't envy or focus or begrudge others either. I amn't sure whether it was you or that BabyE poster (with his crazy psychoanalysis of the mindset of a woman) but there was a constant bleating on about the 6 foot 3 rugby jock and how they are having the time of their lives because they find it easy to pull.

When you eventually find someone you get to spend time with, love or even marry, contemplate the fact that its you she is spending her time with, not Walter, the popular outhalf from the local rugby club.

Here is a couple of quotes from you:

"I actually do get with girls now and then when I put my mind to it but i know I'm not considered attractive by most girls and I don't get much satisfaction compared to when I was a teenager after a 15 years of negative experience giving me permanently dulled subjective experience of pleasure"

One point people don't acknowledge is that depression that typically results from sexual frustration, self hatrid etc. itself acts to make it much harder to put on the act necessary to fool women into finding you attractive, or exert the mental and physical effort required to make yourself more attractive .. being depressed saps your motivation, diminishes your capacity to look forward to stuff, enjoy sex or compliments or anything supposed to be pleasurable .. makes your mind foggy and perspectives further distorted ... people accusing you of feeling sorry for yourself or being bitter does nothing but bounce harsh words off an already numbed brain.

Do you think that a woman would find that attractive in the long term? Even in the short ter, even after a quick chat they will pick up on such serious (and they are serious) insecurities and avoid the issues that will pertain from being with someone with that mentality.

To be honest mate, I would urge you to get a bit of counselling. There may be deeper issues which stem and you are blaming your lack of height on your negative attitude.

I bet you probably felt a bit better letting off a bit of steam on the topic here the past 2 days, am I right?

Imagine what talking to a trained psychologist may do?

Yedya · 08-12-2016 03:19PM

Tony EH wrote: »

Tinder is fecking ejits picking people by photograph, what do you expect OP?

Like Pawwed Rig above, I thank christ I never had to go near any of that online crap for a girl. Pubs, drink and yapping, that was my tinder. :pac:

I know a few people, all women actually, that use it. But they've all been disappointed.

Not everyone has to drink to find a date/hookup, oh wait we're in Ireland sorry

SarahMollie · 08-12-2016 03:25PM

Deleted User wrote: »

It's not a great consolation though to think, as a short man, that you need to let what should be the best years of your life (from a dating point of view at least) run their course before those women who you would have wanted to have fancied you during your 20s, only consider you for dating after having *themselves* gotten to have fun during *their* 20s by getting with predominantly tall lads. How could any man enjoy knowing they are the guy a girl "settled for" - how humiliating and devoid of genuine satisfaction.

Most lads are the opposite - they will not even try to get with Ms. Perfect 10 as you say because they assume they are not attractive etc. enough. Most lads are prepared to consider dating/getting with the majority of women, even aiming only for girls of average attactiveness.

This is really coming across as a chip on the shoulder/sense of entitlement. Yes, some people have very hedonistic experiences in the 20's, riding all around them etc, but not all, not even most I'd say. You're not entitled to unlimited sex just because you're in your twenties. You seem determined to look at things as negatively as possible.

Being "not the tallest" is not some unique, insufferable cross to bear. There are lots of people of all heights, dealing with anxiety, or maybe severe acne or actual disabilities who manage. People of all heights and all levels of attractiveness manage to have relationships.

You come across as someone who spends a lot of time coveting what others have instead of making the best of the hand you've been given. Words like envious, resentful, jealous come to mind. Noone is perfect and everyone has their moments of feeling that way for one reason or another, but if you those negative emotions take hold, to become your default, then that has a corrosive effect on a person. People typically are not attracted to those with a negative outlook. Maybe think about that next time rather than immediately blaming your height.

Colinoh · 08-12-2016 03:30PM

Onion Belt, to your original post.
Nail, Head, Wallop!!

Couldn't have said it better.

zulutango · 08-12-2016 03:51PM

Amirah Alive Sediment wrote: »

It really can be devastating to people's confidence. I know two women who had the surgery, I've heard other women say they don't feel like a real woman because they're flat chested.

Well, they become even less real if they opt for the surgery ...

Breast augmentation is a sure sign of serious insecurity issues and is actually a turn off. Most women don't really understand that guys aren't as obsessed with breasts as they think they are (in the same way as women aren't as obsessed with big penises as men think they are).

Kal El · 08-12-2016 03:59PM

Permabear wrote: »

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Im not disagreeing with you, but I have encountered quiet a few that do, like you I was amused/confused. Ive seen girls laugh away guys who imo were more attractive than them. These girls were like small, fat with bad attitudes and then they wondered why they were alone.

Kal El · 08-12-2016 04:01PM

professore wrote: »

I did the going out for the sake of it thing, but I didn't cheat ... I just broke up with them first.

It wasnt that difficult I bet, and you probably were a lot happier.

Stealthfins · 08-12-2016 04:09PM

The Talking Bread wrote:

Don't envy or focus or begrudge others either. I amn't sure whether it was you or that BabyE poster (with his crazy psychoanalysis of the mindset of a woman) but there was a constant bleating on about the 6 foot 3 rugby jock and how they are having the time of their lives because they find it easy to pull.

These typical so called rugger jocks are ugly,ignorant and knuckle draggers.
Any intelligent woman of sophistication wouldn't touch those gorillas with a barge pole.

What woman would like to be with a guy who's head is as wide as his shoulders,and wears nothing but tacky Ralph Lauren polo shirts,tommy h jeans and deck shoe's.....

SarahMollie · 08-12-2016 04:16PM

Stealthfins wrote: »

These typical so called rugger jocks are ugly,ignorant and knuckle draggers.
Any intelligent woman of sophistication wouldn't touch those gorillas with a barge pole.

What woman would like to be with a guy who's head is as wide as his shoulders,and wears nothing but tacky Ralph Lauren polo shirts,tommy h jeans and deck shoe's.....

Why must everyone be first categorized and then judged? Why are certain posters incapable of just taking people as they find them. Can a person only play rugby if they're also obnoxious? What about if a person is obnoxious and wears the deck shoes, but is no good at Rugby? Does the system of categorization then fall apart?

Women who wear make up are insecure.
Men who play rugby are knuckle draggers.
People who go to the gym are only do so because they're narcissists.

Honestly, its just so tiresome.

zulutango · 08-12-2016 04:19PM

SarahMollie wrote: »

Why must everyone be first categorized and then judged? Why are certain posters incapable of just taking people as they find them. Can a person only play rugby if they're also obnoxious? What about if a person is obnoxious and wears the deck shoes, but is no good at Rugby? Does the system of categorization then fall apart?

Women who wear make up are insecure.
Men who play rugby are knuckle draggers.
People who go to the gym are only do so because they're narcissists.

Honestly, its just so tiresome.

Those are generalisations, but there is a lot of merit in them. There are, of course, exceptions.

Kal El · 08-12-2016 04:20PM

Stealthfins wrote: »

These typical so called rugger jocks are ugly,ignorant and knuckle draggers.
Any intelligent woman of sophistication wouldn't touch those gorillas with a barge pole.

What woman would like to be with a guy who's head is as wide as his shoulders,and wears nothing but tacky Ralph Lauren polo shirts,tommy h jeans and deck shoe's.....

Thats quiet a generalisation. I have never worn a Ralph Lauren polo. Only time I have seen anyone of that description and it was a minority was the Dublin lads down for the summer

The Talking Bread · 08-12-2016 04:28PM

Stealthfins wrote: »

These typical so called rugger jocks are ugly,ignorant and knuckle draggers.
Any intelligent woman of sophistication wouldn't touch those gorillas with a barge pole.

What woman would like to be with a guy who's head is as wide as his shoulders,and wears nothing but tacky Ralph Lauren polo shirts,tommy h jeans and deck shoe's.....

Surely a troll post! Don't feed it! Or else someone whose missus dumped him for Ross O Carroll Kelly MK II

SarahMollie · 08-12-2016 04:28PM

zulutango wrote: »

Those are generalisations, but there is a lot of merit in them. There are, of course, exceptions.

As generalisations go, they're wildy over simplified. And they're negative and mean spirited.

IMO, it says more about the person who spouts this nonsesnse than any gym going, rugby playing or makeup wearing ever could.

silverharp · 08-12-2016 04:32PM

Stealthfins wrote: »

These typical so called rugger jocks are ugly,ignorant and knuckle draggers.
Any intelligent woman of sophistication wouldn't touch those gorillas with a barge pole.

What woman would like to be with a guy who's head is as wide as his shoulders,and wears nothing but tacky Ralph Lauren polo shirts,tommy h jeans and deck shoe's.....

As someone who went to a rugby school, that is almost comedic , you cant judge 17 or 18 year olds and assume they go through life without ever toning it down.

Pat Mustard · 08-12-2016 04:59PM

The Talking Bread wrote: »

Surely a troll post! Don't feed it! Or else someone whose missus dumped him for Ross O Carroll Kelly MK II

Mod note:

Please don't make accusations of trolling.

Please use the Report Post function instead.

zulutango · 08-12-2016 04:59PM

SarahMollie wrote: »

As generalisations go, they're wildy over simplified. And they're negative and mean spirited.

IMO, it says more about the person who spouts this nonsesnse than any gym going, rugby playing or makeup wearing ever could.

Generalisations by their nature are simplifications. Nobody is saying that there aren't rugby players who aren't meat heads, or girls who wear make-up who aren't massively insecure.

One eyed Jack · 08-12-2016 04:59PM

Permabear wrote: »

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PB I genuinely thought you'd be well travelled enough to know that's an almost universal concept, and hardly peculiarly Irish?

Having said that, it's still entirely subjective. I mean, ok, these women may appear to be unattractive to you, and perhaps you may not see why the object of their desire could ever find them attractive, but how is that opinion any different from OnionBelt saying that only for their height, he has more going for himself than the guys who the women he goes for, are attracted to, and if it wasn't for their height, they'd be in his position and then he'd have a chance.

I'm just not sure why it's so amusing when it's really not that difficult to understand that people (guys do it too) don't want to settle for someone they're not attracted to or that they feel they shouldn't have to settle for. That's not entitlement, that's aspiration, that's ambition, and sure, they're shrinking their potential dating pool from a sea down to a garden pond.

What I find bizarre is the number of people that don't understand that if they do this, then naturally they're going to be dating less, or they won't have as many reciprocal matches on online dating sites and apps, etc. It's not anyone else's fault, it's entirely an issue of their own making, and it goes back to what I said from the very beginning -

There's nothing wrong at all with setting high standards for yourself, as long as you understand that the price you pay for that is a much smaller potential dating pool. I have no problem with other people having high standards, that usually aren't compatible with my own high standards, but the people I do have a problem with, are those people who set high standards for themselves, and then complain that they can't find anyone... I don't even bother saying any more "well what do you expect?"

Having been inflicted with a rather unfortunate visage that only a mother could love*, it still hasn't deterred me from setting high standards for myself. I'm ok with the fact that it has always meant I am excluding a significant percentage of potential partners, but many people aren't, and that's where the sense of entitlement comes from - it's much deeper than just their potential dating pool. It's in every facet of who they are as a person!

*She didn't, but at least my granny was honest about it - "Hasn't he a woeful beggar face?", always loved my granny, she was straight up, it's a quality I find very attractive in anyone tbh, regardless of their gender!

How come Tinder is so difficult?

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