How much 'spark' is needed...?

route9 · 08-11-2016 12:04AM

dfggbb wrote: »

Ah OP, just get on with it& call it a day.
All this dithering in itself tells it's own story.
She'll thank you for leaving her free to meet someone who will chase her, woo her, & basically just be mad about her.
Don't use her to fill a void in your life.
Don't assume that because ye're both in yer 30s, that she'll be grateful of any scrap of attention.
Women want LOVE , capital letters. So do men to an extent. But what you're feeling right now, isn't it. Do the right thing,& be honest.

tara73 wrote: »

I agree with poster above and this sentence of you says it all.
you are not sure.

whatever anybody else is saying about romace doesn't last and so on, might be true, but there has to be a genuine attraction at the beginning, emotionally and physically. if that's not present to a high extend, there's no need in hoping this will work out.
I speak from experience, if you're questioning the relationship after 7 weeks, you have your answer already.

Thanks and I do totally agree with this, especially what Tara says re it having to be there from the beginning. Someone even said this to me a few weeks back, that there has to be a spark there to set things off.

What I was more asking is whether I say it tomorrow on our video call, or wait another week until she is back. I think it will have to be tomorrow as no point (and not fair to her either) to wait another week if it's going to be the same result..

Tigger99 · 08-11-2016 10:24AM

If she's away with work and you think it might upset her I'd wait a week until she's home. After 7 weeks it's quite intense that she's insisting on a video call when she's only away a few days. That would make me think she might take it a bit hard.

But you are definitely right to break it off with her from what you've posted.

route9 · 08-11-2016 11:45AM

Tigger99 wrote: »

If she's away with work and you think it might upset her I'd wait a week until she's home. After 7 weeks it's quite intense that she's insisting on a video call when she's only away a few days. That would make me think she might take it a bit hard.

But you are definitely right to break it off with her from what you've posted.

Hi there, well she isn't insisting - we were going to chat Sunday but with the time difference we didn't. We just said we'd chat tonight as she mentioned she will be in her own hotel room then and it will suit better. May not be a video call but we did that the last time. She is on holidays and was at her brother's wedding at the weekend.

So not sure if I should say it tonight or wait until she is home. If I do wait then she is going to be looking forward to seeing me and I'll be telling her the news when she gets back, so potentially it might be better to say it tonight.

njs030 · 08-11-2016 11:56AM

route9 wrote: »

Hi there, well she isn't insisting - we were going to chat Sunday but with the time difference we didn't. We just said we'd chat tonight as she mentioned she will be in her own hotel room then and it will suit better. May not be a video call but we did that the last time. She is on holidays and was at her brother's wedding at the weekend.

So not sure if I should say it tonight or wait until she is home. If I do wait then she is going to be looking forward to seeing me and I'll be telling her the news when she gets back, so potentially it might be better to say it tonight.

No don't end things with someone who is on holiday. That's pretty cold.

Just wait till she gets back, it's only been a couple of months.

route9 · 08-11-2016 11:57AM

notjustsweet wrote: »

No don't end things with someone who is on holiday. That's pretty cold.

Just wait till she gets back, it's only been a couple of months.

Yep, I think so too.

route9 · 14-11-2016 03:13PM

Ok so my girl is back home today and we are meeting tomorrow eve so I'll have to have the chat then. It's not going to be easy though and I hope she is not too upset. I also know that she has gotten me a surprise gift too (my birthday is soon), which makes it harder.

This is the trickiest one ever because although I know I should be feeling that spark and feeling that I am looking forward to building something here, I do still like her and we have fun together - so I am just hoping we can be friends in time.

route9 · 14-11-2016 05:44PM

Last question guys. Part of me also doesn't really want a relationship right now - up until we met I was enjoying just going out and having fun and seeing who I met. I was going out not with a view to get with someone, but really just to have fun and meet new people. I am not in a major rush to settle down at all.

So I am wondering whether I should say this to her, instead of only just telling her that I am not feeling the spark?

That would still be an honest explanation and might upset / disappoint her less. It has been a tough couple of years for her so I am looking for anything I can do to minimise things that way. I know I would prefer to hear that than 'I don't feel the spark', even if it was a mix of both reasons.

I also say this because there was a girl I liked a lot earlier this year who didn't want to continue dating because of 'personal reasons'. This may well have been the case but it was probably a mix of that and the fact that she wasn't as interested as I had hoped. Either way I preferred hearing that than 'I'm just not really feeling it'.

Thanks

BetsyEllen · 14-11-2016 06:12PM

To be honest, I think I would rather be told that the other person feels no spark.
As then I'd know that's it, I'm just not for them.

Being told 'I'm not ready for a relationship right now' could give hope that you may be at some stage in the future and cause them to feel it may be worth trying to stay in your life as 'friends' until you feel ready.

Sadly I speak from experience.

I would just be honest and tell her there's no spark.
I personally would prefer the truth.

Yummymummy83 · 14-11-2016 06:15PM

route9 wrote: »

Last question guys. Part of me also doesn't really want a relationship right now - up until we met I was enjoying just going out and having fun and seeing who I met. I was going out not with a view to get with someone, but really just to have fun and meet new people. I am not in a major rush to settle down at all.

So I am wondering whether I should say this to her, instead of only just telling her that I am not feeling the spark?

That would still be an honest explanation and might upset / disappoint her less. It has been a tough couple of years for her so I am looking for anything I can do to minimise things that way. I know I would prefer to hear that than 'I don't feel the spark', even if it was a mix of both reasons.

I also say this because there was a girl I liked a lot earlier this year who didn't want to continue dating because of 'personal reasons'. This may well have been the case but it was probably a mix of that and the fact that she wasn't as interested as I had hoped. Either way I preferred hearing that than 'I'm just not really feeling it'.

Thanks

I think she would be rather annoyed that you wasted close to two months of her time when you had no interest in a relationship with her.

If I were you I would tell her one or the other. Whichever you feel would cause the least amount of upset and then leave her be.

dellas1979 · 14-11-2016 06:33PM

BetsyEllen wrote: »

Being told 'I'm not ready for a relationship right now' could give hope that you may be at some stage in the future and cause them to feel it may be worth trying to stay in your life as 'friends' until you feel ready.

I would agree with BetsyEllen. Honestly always trumps the easier let down lines (making the dumper feel better).

Because its not true that youre not ready for a relationship, its that you dont want one (with her). And she wont be long figuring that out.

njs030 · 14-11-2016 07:07PM

Most people know that the phrase "I don't want a relationship" has the silent words "with you" added on the end and it would sound like you've wasted 2 months of her time after this long.

Just say you don't think it's going anywhere but don't ask her to be friends. Leave her alone to move on.

batmanrobin · 14-11-2016 07:47PM

Just be honest with her, OP. You like her, but you're just not feeling it. She's a big girl. She'll have been where you are. Also, while she might like you, don't let your ego think you're going to crush her.

Keep it simple, keep it honest and for the love of God, do not say the let's be friends nonsense! You're not going to be friends.

Calypso Realm · 14-11-2016 08:18PM

notjustsweet wrote: »

Just say you don't think it's going anywhere but don't ask her to be friends. Leave her alone to move on.

I have to say I always find this phrase so vague, I'm not entirely sure what it means. I know my first response would be 'But where do you want it to go?'
Not meaning to criticise your suggestion, of course, just genuinely interested!

njs030 · 14-11-2016 08:41PM

Calypso Realm wrote: »

I have to say I always find this phrase so vague, I'm not entirely sure what it means. I know my first response would be 'But where do you want it to go?'
Not meaning to criticise your suggestion, of course, just genuinely interested!

I interpret it to mean it has no future, isn't going to turn into a relationship or anything serious but is said in less hurtful way.

Maybe other people see it differently though!

route9 · 14-11-2016 10:18PM

batmanrobin wrote: »

Just be honest with her, OP. You like her, but you're just not feeling it. She's a big girl. She'll have been where you are. Also, while she might like you, don't let your ego think you're going to crush her.

Keep it simple, keep it honest and for the love of God, do not say the let's be friends nonsense! You're not going to be friends.

Thanks - yes absolutely I was thinking the same. She is a big girl and is resilient, so while I am sure she may be disappointed, I can't get too carried away! In fact she may be more surprised than anything else.

That was my intention alright (to keep it simple and honest), and so that's what I will do. 'You like her, but you're just not feeling it' is a perfect summation too!

Emme · 15-11-2016 11:33AM

route9 wrote: »

Thanks - yes absolutely I was thinking the same. She is a big girl and is resilient, so while I am sure she may be disappointed, I can't get too carried away! In fact she may be more surprised than anything else.

That was my intention alright (to keep it simple and honest), and so that's what I will do. 'You like her, but you're just not feeling it' is a perfect summation too!

If it wasn't as easy to meet women would you be so quick to dismiss her OP? These days men in their 30s are like kids in a sweetshop. I have heard the same story from other men in their 30s and even their 40s. If the woman isn't perfect in EVERY way they drop her.

Life isn't perfect. Nobody is perfect. If you don't want a relationship that's up to you, there are plenty of women on dating sites and apps like Tinder for you to pick and choose from. Why would you bother with a relationship when it's so easy to meet women?

Tigger99 · 15-11-2016 12:11PM

Jesus Emme thats harsh. As a woman I've been on both sides of where the op is now. I don't have a sweetshop mentality but also don't want to stay with someone when I'm not feeling it after 2 months. I think it's enough time. Hell 2 dates can be enough to think that I don't want to be with someone.

Emme · 15-11-2016 12:26PM

Tigger99 wrote: »

Jesus Emme thats harsh. As a woman I've been on both sides of where the op is now. I don't have a sweetshop mentality but also don't want to stay with someone when I'm not feeling it after 2 months. I think it's enough time. Hell 2 dates can be enough to think that I don't want to be with someone.

In my experience "not feeling it" doesn't always mean the same thing. It can mean that you and somebody don't have anything in common or there is something that really niggles you about them. Or in the case of some men I know it could be that they have decided they don't like the way her falls over one eye, they don't like the way she eats her bread rolls, they don't like one of her friends or they have decided after dating a woman for 3 months that they're bored dating one woman and they don't want a relationship after all.

I stand by what I said. If it weren't so easy for men to find women online or on Tinder they might be more willing to put effort into making a relationship work and small foibles mightn't seem so important to them. Men are looking for 100% perfection and once a woman falls short of that by 1% they're "not feeling it" or they "don't want a relationship". Many of them are looking a profiles on dating sites or on apps while they're dating a woman semi-seriously. It might seem like no harm to look at what's out there but as long as they're doing that they'll be wondering what they're missing and they'll find some reason to let the woman they're dating go.

SarahMollie · 15-11-2016 12:37PM

Emme wrote: »

In my experience "not feeling it" doesn't always mean the same thing. It can mean that you and somebody don't have anything in common or there is something that really niggles you about them. Or in the case of some men I know it could be that they have decided they don't like the way her falls over one eye, they don't like the way she eats her bread rolls, they don't like one of her friends or they have decided after dating a woman for 3 months that they're bored dating one woman and they don't want a relationship after all.

I stand by what I said. If it weren't so easy for men to find women online or on Tinder they might be more willing to put effort into making a relationship work and small foibles mightn't seem so important to them. Men are looking for 100% perfection and once a woman falls short of that by 1% they're "not feeling it" or they "don't want a relationship". Many of them are looking a profiles on dating sites or on apps while they're dating a woman semi-seriously. It might seem like no harm to look at what's out there but as long as they're doing that they'll be wondering what they're missing and they'll find some reason to let the woman they're dating go.

I have to agree with Tigger 99 here. I also think theres a danger that your personal experience is clouding your view. I'm not saying for a moment that there aren't men out there who dont have a Candy shop mentality, but I don't get how you'd interpret that in this case. The OP dated this women for a good few weeks and unfortunately his feelings were still a bit "meh". Thats just life. I think the OP wanted this to work, but the reality is that it hasn't. That doesn't mean the OP was fault finding for the sake of it, if anything he probably couldn't fault her but still that's not enough to make a romantic connection.

I think about it like when I met my OH, I knew fairly quickly that he was going to be an important person in my life. It wasn't because he's a perfect, infallible person (he's not!), but just because we click in a way that I'd previously found elusive.

LegacyUser · 15-11-2016 12:42PM

Emme wrote: »

In my experience "not feeling it" doesn't always mean the same thing. It can mean that you and somebody don't have anything in common or there is something that really niggles you about them. Or in the case of some men I know it could be that they have decided they don't like the way her falls over one eye, they don't like the way she eats her bread rolls, they don't like one of her friends or they have decided after dating a woman for 3 months that they're bored dating one woman and they don't want a relationship after all.

I stand by what I said. If it weren't so easy for men to find women online or on Tinder they might be more willing to put effort into making a relationship work and small foibles mightn't seem so important to them. Men are looking for 100% perfection and once a woman falls short of that by 1% they're "not feeling it" or they "don't want a relationship". Many of them are looking a profiles on dating sites or on apps while they're dating a woman semi-seriously. It might seem like no harm to look at what's out there but as long as they're doing that they'll be wondering what they're missing and they'll find some reason to let the woman they're dating go.

Well from a man in his early thirties I have a different side of story for you. Was with a girl who all I wanted was the best for her and loved her but she left me because I didn't do everything right all of the time. I admit I wasn't perfect but was only like getting annoyed or frustrated at her at times and raising my voice a bit but it seemed I had to do and say everything right or else she would try and start a row with me and then accuse me of not respecting her. So whatever u may think, I for one would like a relationship with someone and not just a hook up as you say. Just my two cents

route9 · 15-11-2016 01:23PM

Hi Emme, Tigger and Sarah summed it up there. Especially Sarah as that's exactly how it has gone. It does sounds like you are speaking from your own perceived (or actual) experience of other guys, and I am sure there are guys out there who will have that mentality and stop seeing someone because of some minor 'flaw'.

However, that's not me - all I am looking for is that elusive connection that SarahMollie talks about. The person doesn't have to be a supermodel, or even stop traffic good-looking. They don't have to have any particular characteristics at all - just someone I fancy and who I connect with without question. I have been on first dates with girls where I went 'wow' and where I really wanted a second date and for things to progress - but it didn't happen because they didn't feel it. So I do know that feeling when I encounter it. I will say though that in years and years of dating it still hasn't happened, but sure that's how it goes sometimes I guess.

batmanrobin · 15-11-2016 02:21PM

Think of it this way, OP - you had a certain amount of compatibility with this woman. Enough to last a few months, maybe even a couple of years. But there wasn't enough there to sustain it for 40-50 years. And there's nothing wrong with that and it doesn't make you a bad person. I think it would be far worse for you to continue seeing her when you're feeling so meh about her.

One thing I would say, if you are not looking for anything serious, maybe make that clear to any woman who is interested in you. You really can't go wrong with honesty. No mind games, just a straight up "this is where I'm at". There'll be plenty of women looking for similar.

route9 · 15-11-2016 02:53PM

batmanrobin wrote: »

Think of it this way, OP - you had a certain amount of compatibility with this woman. Enough to last a few months, maybe even a couple of years. But there wasn't enough there to sustain it for 40-50 years. And there's nothing wrong with that and it doesn't make you a bad person. I think it would be far worse for you to continue seeing her when you're feeling so meh about her.

One thing I would say, if you are not looking for anything serious, maybe make that clear to any woman who is interested in you. You really can't go wrong with honesty. No mind games, just a straight up "this is where I'm at". There'll be plenty of women looking for similar.

Thanks. I think when I said I wasn't looking for a relationship the other poster was right - to paraphrase I guess I am totally open to a relationship with the right person. And if this girl was the right person I guess I should really be feeling that - even from date 2 or 3.

beks101 · 15-11-2016 05:45PM

Emme wrote: »

I stand by what I said. If it weren't so easy for men to find women online or on Tinder they might be more willing to put effort into making a relationship work and small foibles mightn't seem so important to them. Men are looking for 100% perfection and once a woman falls short of that by 1% they're "not feeling it" or they "don't want a relationship". Many of them are looking a profiles on dating sites or on apps while they're dating a woman semi-seriously. It might seem like no harm to look at what's out there but as long as they're doing that they'll be wondering what they're missing and they'll find some reason to let the woman they're dating go.

You're talking about two separate things here - 1. men/women who are picky and emotionally unavailable and facilitated by the 'online shopping' culture of dating apps and sites, and 2. men/women who aren't willing to settle for someone when it doesn't feel right.

Without doubt No 1 exists, but there's absolutely no evidence that's who the OP is. He just doesn't feel "it" with her, despite seeing the wonderful person she is, he's expressed that in very clear terms and encouraging him to stick around at this point is simply bad advice. I'm sure I can speak for all of us when I say it's a painful and head-fcuking thing to go through as a woman and it's something you definitely feel on an instinctive level - when a guy is just not into it but strings you along regardless. It's damaging in the long run and will lead to both parties being stuck in a miserable relationship eventually.

Online dating is a tough gig IME where this Fear of Missing Out On Other Women can be rife, but it's unfair to tar the genuine guys who simply don't feel it despite their best efforts with the ones who are there to play and jump from women to women.

Lavinia · 15-11-2016 08:21PM

route9 wrote: »

Great questions....and I have to say yes to each one!!

If this is true, have you ever thought you might have commitment issues?

Lavinia · 15-11-2016 09:23PM

He was questioning if she is the one, I'm just saying from all he said about himself is that perhaps he is not the one
If you know what i mean

LegacyUser · 15-11-2016 11:39PM

The guy who acts like he's in a candy shop and can't commit to that one woman, is simply not the man for that particular woman. If he was it would be easy for him. Why get annoyed or frustrated or try to make him want only you! Because that man is obviously not for you anyway. No matter how you might feel! There is absolutely no point in trying to make him be any other way, if he wants to be with her he will try and be with her and only her.

How much 'spark' is needed...?

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