Memory box for her ex

dee_mc · 25-10-2016 04:06PM

The box is kind of irrelevant here.
To me, what's relevant is the fact that you don't trust her.
You need to talk to her about her feelings for you and her feelings for her ex - not to make a comparison or anything, just to see if she still has feelings for him, if she would get back with him if the opportunity arose, if she has any reservations about your relationship becoming more serious etc. See what she says and see if you believe her and move forward from there.
There are people who keep boxes of symbols from past relationships that they wouldn't care to reignite, but on the other hand there are people who don't keep any physical reminders of past relationships who would reunite with an ex in a heartbeat given the opportunity.
You need to decide which camp your girlfriend falls into!
Don't tell any lies of half truths, be totally honest with her and see how it goes. Pretending not to have found the box and engineering a conversation in which you try to 'catch her out' would be very sneaky, cynical and dishonest in my opinion, and if I were your girlfriend, innocently keeping a box of memories from my younger days, I'd feel really betrayed if it transpired that you had been going through my stuff and then trying to catch me out on a lie. So tread carefully to avoid spoiling what sounds like a potentially good relationship!

SarahMollie · 25-10-2016 04:12PM

I've held on to things from ex boyfiends previously, and just gradually thrown them out over time. It didnt mean I was pining for them, just that the objects had sentimental value and were tied up in some happy memories. It didnt mean I was in any way confused or unable to move on.

I know from my own experience that I've probably gotten less sentimental in my old age (30!) so theres definitely a lot let stuff hanging around these days, but I never threw everything out in one big dramatic gesture. When I moved around during my 20's, some stuff probably was left behind at my parents house and subsequently thrown out, and then other things that I'd originally brought with me were gradually culled with each move. At this stage I've maybe 1 Teddy from my first ex, and I've really only held onto it because its a very nice teddy and too nice to bin, but this thread is making me think I should dig it out and give it to charity as my requirement for Teddy Bears at this stage in my life is low

Yellow pack crisps · 25-10-2016 07:10PM

If it was me I would not put doubts in her head about the relationship and would examine my own insecurities and work on improving this. To be frankly honest she seems very honest and doesn't seem to be hiding anything from you and really has done nothing wrong and if you talk about this she probably will be upset and might question a lot of things because of it. Honestly it's an exhausting thing being with someone insecure and it never ends well! As for broaching it with her just be honest with her say that you are feeling a bit insecure but that it's totally your own thing and you are working on it and it is in no alway a reflextion of her.

Traq · 26-10-2016 03:22AM

JimmyJimuJim wrote: »

She did agree to that though she promised she only wants me so that's why the box is relevant because before it I could answer your question that I'm certain she would stay with me and I had no reason to doubt it. After the box I'm a lot less sure. Hence why I started the whole thread really.

That's entirely down to your insecurities though. You've seen this box so it's raised issues of jealousy/insecurity that are all to do with you and nothing to do with her.
I, like many other posters in this thread, have lots of mementos from past relationships stashed away. It's purely because of sentimental value and I am certainly not sitting at home pining over any past relationships and going through the various items every night. Months or years can pass before I stumble across something, but as they're all usually markers of a happy occasion they're nice to have and bring a smile to my face when I do see them.

As has been mentioned before, people deal with past relationships and moving on in different ways. Some people will opt for the clean slate approach and get rid of everything from past relationships, while otherwise will keep items for sentimental values. There's no right or wrong in it, and you can't force your partner to throw anything out because you feel it's time that she got rid of it.

JimmyJimuJim · 26-10-2016 06:08AM

Ok so the overwhelming consensus is that this is my problem not hers. Which is a relief in a lot of ways because it gives me the power to make it better.

So I guess my question now is how best to deal with my insecurities? I'm not normally so insecure, lately for whatever reason every little thing or question mark is being blown up in my own head and without an answer I'm presuming the worst. It's getting quite bad to where I'm border line having a panic attack.

What should I do? I think I need my questions answered not just the box but other (admittedly) minor questions. I know I'm making mountains out of mole hills but it's still a mountain to me. How should I go about addressing this with her because she's not aware of my insecurities and I've never mentioned it to her before really and a lot of people are saying how it can bring in a bad dynamic between us.

Should I just accept that you can't ever be 100% sure of someone and their motives. Or should I talk to her about it and if so how should I go about it.?

racso1975 · 26-10-2016 06:37AM

If you are borderline panic attacks you need to go to a GP. Talk to them and develop a plan of action. (This is on the basis the everything in your life is causing this type of reaction and not just everything in this relationship)

Be honest with her and tell her how you feel at the moment and that you plan on addressing these issues you have and tell her the plan that you and your GP develop.

The piece about never being 100% sure about someone can make you very cynical about people in general. I may be a naive on this front but my view point is I cannot control somebody else's actions. If they are going to do something silly in any form of a relationship I have with them that's their doing not mine. My rule of thumb though is to not take anybody for 100% granted and what I mean by that is that you need to always continue to work in a relationship. Let the person know how much they mean to you and not just by words but by actions too.

Ironically by trying to overly control a relationship or being overly possessive/jealous of a person you are more likely to drive them out of the relationship or into the arms of another.

Finally relationships are a risk be they intimate ones or friendship ones. You need to accept that. You risk getting emotionally hurt because sometimes they just don't work out no matter how much you invest in them.

JimmyJimuJim · 26-10-2016 07:04AM

racso1975 wrote: »

If you are borderline panic attacks you need to go to a GP. Talk to them and develop a plan of action. (This is on the basis the everything in your life is causing this type of reaction and not just everything in this relationship)

Be honest with her and tell her how you feel at the moment and that you plan on addressing these issues you have and tell her the plan that you and your GP develop.

The piece about never being 100% sure about someone can make you very cynical about people in general. I may be a naive on this front but my view point is I cannot control somebody else's actions. If they are going to do something silly in any form of a relationship I have with them that's their doing not mine. My rule of thumb though is to not take anybody for 100% granted and what I mean by that is that you need to always continue to work in a relationship. Let the person know how much they mean to you and not just by words but by actions too.

Ironically by trying to overly control a relationship or being overly possessive/jealous of a person you are more likely to drive them out of the relationship or into the arms of another.

Finally relationships are a risk be they intimate ones or friendship ones. You need to accept that. You risk getting emotionally hurt because sometimes they just don't work out no matter how much you invest in them.

I don't think the GP is necessary. Maybe after I clear the air with my gf if I'm still having these feelings I'll consider it. But at the moment I don't think it's anything me and her can't solve.

racso1975 · 26-10-2016 07:16AM

So your potential panic attacks are completely based upon this relationship?

JimmyJimuJim · 26-10-2016 07:22AM

racso1975 wrote: »

So your potential panic attacks are completely based upon this relationship?

I think panic attacks might have been an overexageration. I am getting really worked up about this but a GP is not necessary, cutting down on the weed is probably a better option as it's feeding my paranoia. No I do get unnecessarily worked up about other stuff but this is causing me the most worry.

racso1975 · 26-10-2016 07:28AM

JimmyJimuJim wrote: »

I think panic attacks might have been an overexageration. I am getting really worked up about this but a GP is not necessary, cutting down on the weed is probably a better option as it's feeding my paranoia. No I do get unnecessarily worked up about other stuff but this is causing me the most worry.

:rolleyes: Grand best of luck.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 26-10-2016 04:20PM

-Cutting down on the weed is probably a good idea
-Is there a friend you can talk to about this, sounds like you're worrying about it over and over in your head, and that can make things seem way better than they are. Is your GF aware of your worries about this guy?
-As established, memory boxes are not a big deal, but I can see from what you've described why you might feel insecure about this particular ex. You seem to be really fixated on this box. I can see why it would have been unpleasant to discover, but it's really not healthy to be thinking about it as much as you seem to be. How long ago did you see it/how long have you guys been back together?
-You need to work on your insecurity for you own sake and for the sake of those around you, and while it's not your girlfriend's responsibility to pander to any paranoia, it is something she can contribute to. Have a conversation with her. Does she generally make you feel secure in the relationship? Does she demonstrate affection (physically, verbally, in little romantic gestures), or is she maybe a bit reserved?

Memory box for her ex

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