Memory box for her ex

JimmyJimuJim

Hi. I have been seeing this girl for about 3 years on and off (Mostly on). During an off period I was in her house and found a memory box for her ex. Her ex who she was seeing right before me, who dumped her and I've always thought she still at at least some feelings for. It's worth saying there is a memory box there for me that is bigger, lol. There is nothing special in the box, some crappy bday cards with no effort put in etc. She recently rearranged her room so would have seen this box and would have had the chance to get rid of it. I didn't mention it at the time because we weren't together and it wasn't my place but now we are very much back on and it bothers me.

What do you guys make of this box and what should I read into it. All replys much aprpreciated but especially women's. Does she still have feelings for him?

Holysock

I've got, what I call, a box of boyfriends past too and it's just somewhere to put cards, jewellery, concert tickets etc. of sentimental value from previous relationships. They may not seem like important items to you but that "crappy bday card with no effort put in to it" might have meant something at some point or in some context.


You've said that she also has a memory box for you, so clearly it's not just something she's compiled for the previous boyfriend. If she's opening it every day to stare lovingly at the items then I'd worry! Don't read too much in to it otherwise. I'm not still madly in love with my exes, just don't feel I should cull my belongings of sentimental value for each relationship.

vandriver

I would think that her memories of a time and a relationship before you are her business,and not yours.I would think that snooping and prying are disrespectful and unpleasant.(what were you even doing in her room if you weren't going out at the time?)

Yellow pack crisps

Nothing that is what I'd read into it! I've tonnes of stuff from past relationships that are just memories for me a part of life that brought me here, now. It's been three years since her ex so she is over it most likely, timefor you to be too.

batmanrobin

OP, why are ye on and off so much?

Personally, having been burnt before, I wouldn't get with someone who has walked out of one relationship and straight into something else. It means they haven't really dealt with the breakup. I'd give it 6 months or more before going near them.

Forget about the box for now. Your bigger issue is that she never gave herself time to process the breakup. Now sometimes a person doesn't need anytime, but these people are the exception not the rule.

Edit to add, the on and off isn't good either.

JimmyJimuJim

vandriver wrote: »

I would think that her memories of a time and a relationship before you are her business,and not yours.I would think that snooping and prying are disrespectful and unpleasant.(what were you even doing in her room if you weren't going out at the time?)

We were off at the time but only because we wanted different things, I went traveling for a while. But we were still close so we're seeing each other until I left.

JimmyJimuJim

Yellow pack crisps wrote: »

Nothing that is what I'd read into it! I've tonnes of stuff from past relationships that are just memories for me a part of life that brought me here, now. It's been three years since her ex so she is over it most likely, timefor you to be too.

When we were off I know she wrote to him. That's was a year ago. 2 years after she stopped seeing him

JimmyJimuJim

batmanrobin wrote: »

OP, why are ye on and off so much?

Personally, having been burnt before, I wouldn't get with someone who has walked out of one relationship and straight into something else. It means they haven't really dealt with the breakup. I'd give it 6 months or more before going near them.

Forget about the box for now. Your bigger issue is that she never gave herself time to process the breakup. Now sometimes a person doesn't need anytime, but these people are the exception not the rule.

Edit to add, the on and off isn't good either.

We were only off twice. Both because we wanted different things at that time not because we fell out

racso1975

so why did she write to him?

JimmyJimuJim

Holysock wrote: »

I've got, what I call, a box of boyfriends past too and it's just somewhere to put cards, jewellery, concert tickets etc. of sentimental value from previous relationships. They may not seem like important items to you but that "crappy bday card with no effort put in to it" might have meant something at some point or in some context.


You've said that she also has a memory box for you, so clearly it's not just something she's compiled for the previous boyfriend. If she's opening it every day to stare lovingly at the items then I'd worry! Don't read too much in to it otherwise. I'm not still madly in love with my exes, just don't feel I should cull my belongings of sentimental value for each relationship.

Thanks holy stock. Should I be worried that on the times we were off that she wrote to him? He lives in another country at the moment. But when I got with her I made it very clear I didn't want to just keep her warm til this guy comes back?

JimmyJimuJim

racso1975 wrote: »

so why did she write to him?

For comfort, because I left

Yellow pack crisps

If you're feeling insecure about your relationship and it seems like you are then probably broach the subject with her. I've many exes I still am in contact but not an iota of a want to get back with them! They nice people and I admire them greatly! It seems you ain't secure I. Yourself or your relationship i would deal with that in an adult way before it destroys what might be a happy relationship.

JimmyJimuJim

Yellow pack crisps wrote: »

If you're feeling insecure about your relationship and it seems like you are then probably broach the subject with her. I've many exes I still am in contact but not an iota of a want to get back with them! They nice people and I admire them greatly! It seems you ain't secure I. Yourself or your relationship i would deal with that in an adult way before it destroys what might be a happy relationship.

Thanks. I'm definitely insecure, I'm aware of that and trying to take it into consideration, but I still dont feel good about this box and what it might mean to her. How should I broach the subject? I was considering bringing up the box for me then asking if she had any more? How should I react I'd she lies about it?

racso1975

JimmyJimuJim wrote: »

Thanks. I'm definitely insecure, I'm aware of that and trying to take it into consideration, but I still dont feel good about this box and what it might mean to her. How should I broach the subject? I was considering bringing up the box for me then asking if she had any more? How should I react I'd she lies about it?

No this is your issue not hers. Obviously you want rid of the box. What if you bring it up and she lies to try and protect your feelings?


If you are this worried about it and going to bring it up why try catching her out in a lie and just be honest. You be the honest one and tell her you were snooping in her room, while not going out, and you found a memory box for her ex and also one for you. Remember you were technically an ex at this stage also and it makes you uncomfortable.

What you must also realise is even if she gets rid of the physical memory box she will always have actual memories of all her ex's be they good, bad or indifferent and you can never get rid of those.

JimmyJimuJim

racso1975 wrote: »

No this is your issue not hers. Obviously you want rid of the box. What if you bring it up and she lies to try and protect your feelings?


If you are this worried about it and going to bring it up why try catching her out in a lie and just be honest. You be the honest one and tell her you were snooping in her room, while not going out, and you found a memory box for her ex and also one for you. Remember you were technically an ex at this stage also and it makes you uncomfortable.

What you must also realise is even if she gets rid of the physical memory box she will always have actual memories of all her ex's be they good, bad or indifferent and you can never get rid of those.

Cheers for the advice. I wasn't snooping tbf. I knew about the memory box for me and I thought that was what I was opening but I found the other guys.

The only reason the box bothers me at all is because I'm not sure her feelings on him, my gut tells me there's still something there. If there are still feelings then her lying about having the box at all throws up some flags, no? And if I just tell her about it then she will of course say that there's nothing to read into and I won't know where she stands with regards to her ex?

njs030

JimmyJimuJim wrote: »

Cheers for the advice. I wasn't snooping tbf. I knew about the memory box for me and I thought that was what I was opening but I found the other guys.

The only reason the box bothers me at all is because I'm not sure her feelings on him, my gut tells me there's still something there. If there are still feelings then her lying about having the box at all throws up some flags, no? And if I just tell her about it then she will of course say that there's nothing to read into and I won't know where she stands with regards to her ex?

Maybe there isn't anything to read into it, why are you so sure there is?
I have a box of cards and other stuff from my ex and another poster said the same, it doesn't mean I have feelings for him or would ever go back to him but I wouldn't throw it away just because someone else didn't like it, she's with you not him and she's made that choice for a reason.

Op jealousy is one of the most unattractive traits in any relationship so you need to get a handle on this and quickly. A box of old memories means nothing, focus on making new ones instead of looking over her shoulder at her past.

Meauldsegosha

JimmyJimuJim wrote: »

I was considering bringing up the box for me then asking if she had any more? How should I react I'd she lies about it?

When you start playing games like this and trying to catch your partner out I don't think make for a very stable relationship.

OP be honest with your girlfriend and tell her you found the box and that you are concerned about her writing to her ex. If she tells you there is nothing to worry about and she has no feelings for her ex, you have to decide whether to trust her or not. If you decide to trust her you forget about her ex completely. If you can't trust her, you need to finish the relationship.

LegacyUser

Some people like to do total clean slate wipes after relationships and that's their choice while some people just aren't good at throwing things away. Even bad relationships still hold some happy memories and they want to hold on to that. It's not so much about that person but more about that moment in time. Sometimes you even hold on to remind you of the bad times and how your life has got better.

The fact that she already has a collection of items belonging to you gather together shows she's very much a hoarder rather then being hung up on her ex. I'm awful for throwing things away, I've got boxes of cards and letters and some of them I would struggle to remember who they are from, I haven't looked at them in years yet when we moved house I packed them up and brought them with us.

amtc

I have a box in my wardrobe with stuff from eight guys who told me they would love me forever. I've often wondered if I can sue for breach of contract by the way. I don't look at the stuff often, but to me it's like a physical diary. Makes me smile sometimes. No feelings towards any of them. My current oh thinks it's funny and just calls me sentimental

gaynorvader

First off, stop playing games. Don't ask her about your box and if there are any others and see if you can catch her in a lie. Tell her that her writing to her ex made you uncomfortable and ask if she's 100% committed to this new relationship or is she just waiting for her ex to come back. If you want to bring up her ex's box, be honest and tell her you opened it by mistake, thinking it was yours, ask her why she still has it if you like.

JimmyJimuJim

notjustsweet wrote: »

Maybe there isn't anything to read into it, why are you so sure there is?
I have a box of cards and other stuff from my ex and another poster said the same, it doesn't mean I have feelings for him or would ever go back to him but I wouldn't throw it away just because someone else didn't like it, she's with you not him and she's made that choice for a reason.

Op jealousy is one of the most unattractive traits in any relationship so you need to get a handle on this and quickly. A box of old memories means nothing, focus on making new ones instead of looking over her shoulder at her past.[/quote

She didn't really choose though cus he broke up with her. She's also the type of person who takes break ups hard and rejection even harder.

The reason I think there's something there is because I was friends with her before we got together I know how she feels or felt at the very lest about her ex. I suppose it's too hard to convey my thoughts on my girl friends feelings especially because I can't be sure myself. It's up to me to decide. I suppose a better question is CAN a memory box mean something? I know lots of people have memory boxes that don't mean anything.

December2012

It's very simple - she is with you. Do you believe she wants to be with you? Then trust the woman.

Stop getting bothered by a box.

bucketybuck

JimmyJimuJim wrote: »

The only reason the box bothers me at all is because I'm not sure her feelings on him, my gut tells me there's still something there.

Sounds like you only want her to be thinking of you, which seems a bit rich considering you have no problems breaking things off whenever suits you.

Hardly surprising if she doesn't get rid of every previous attachment just for your benefit, when history would suggest you might not always be around anyway.

amtc

If you think about it putting in a box is healthy... because you are doing that...putting it in a box!

I very very rarely intentionally look at stuff of my exs, in fact I only have the box so I can smile occasionally in the same way that I wish my ex happy birthday ( in my head, I don't contact him) and remember happy memories.

JimmyJimuJim

I think I'm getting myself worked up because it's becoming more serious and this question mark was there. Seems like more people have memory boxes than I thought and as far as I know they don't talk and haven't since that time last year although I wouldn't know if they had. I'm just gonna trust my gf and not say anything as a few people said it doesn't make for a healthy relationship.
Thanks again

Big Bag of Chips

I have a box with letters from cousins, friends, boyfriends, fellas I 'shifted', fellas I wanted to shift!,,fellas who wanted to shift me! Some of these letters and notes are nearly 30 years old. And are sentimental to me. Not in the sense that I look longingly at them, but in the sense that with adult eyes, and the passing of years, and growing a bit more mature I can look back at 15/16/19 year old me and laugh at the dramas that I put myself through. One word might remind me of a whole summer!

I'm not sure about the "saying nothing" route you're going to take. If something is bothering you then you should address it. But you should not make her feel wrong for keeping this box. But your gut is telling you and has been for a long time that you're just filling a gap (pardon the pun?) until she can be reunited with her one true love. That is what you should be addressing. You may be waaay off the mark, or there might be something in that. People are often told not to ignore their gut. It's up to you to decide if your gut is just you being unnecessarily jealous or if you might be right.

JimmyJimuJim

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I have a box with letters from cousins, friends, boyfriends, fellas I 'shifted', fellas I wanted to shift!,,fellas who wanted to shift me! Some of these letters and notes are nearly 30 years old. And are sentimental to me. Not in the sense that I look longingly at them, but in the sense that with adult eyes, and the passing of years, and growing a bit more mature I can look back at 15/16/19 year old me and laugh at the dramas that I put myself through. One word might remind me of a whole summer!

I'm not sure about the "saying nothing" route you're going to take. If something is bothering you then you should address it. But you should not make her feel wrong for keeping this box. But your gut is telling you and has been for a long time that you're just filling a gap (pardon the pun?) until she can be reunited with her one true love. That is what you should be addressing. You may be waaay off the mark, or there might be something in that. People are often told not to ignore their gut. It's up to you to decide if your gut is just you being unnecessarily jealous or if you might be right.

Its not loads of fellas and loads of memories though just this fellas. And I made it very clear at the beginning of our relationship that I wasn't just filling the gap and keeping her warm and to forget about him (as best she could I know you can't just forget about someone you cared about) and I know shes entitled to have and keep whatever she wants but as someone said earlier there comes a time when you throw these things out and because its 3 yrs since they broke up and it's not like she keeps any memories of the boyfriends before your man.

Big Bag of Chips

JimmyJimuJim wrote: »

but as someone said earlier there comes a time when you throw these things out....

why?

Maybe that person felt a time came to throw things out, but I'm not going to throw mine out. And others haven't thrown there's out. Maybe she never started a box from other boyfriends? Maybe she didn't have stuff to keep. Funnily enough I have letters from 2 previous boyfriends but have nothing from my husband. Not a thing!! But I have a whole life with him so don't really need a box!

You said you weren't going to say anything, but clearly this is annoying you. You might have told her you weren't going to just be used to "keep her warm", but that doesn't mean that she agrees to that.

Honestly - do you think if this fella moved in down the road next week that you and she would still be together? If the answer is "yes, absolutely" then forget about the box. It's irrelevant. If the answer is "I'm not too sure, probably not" then that's what you deal with. Again, the box is irrelevant.

JimmyJimuJim

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

why?

Maybe that person felt a time came to throw things out, but I'm not going to throw mine out. And others haven't thrown there's out. Maybe she never started a box from other boyfriends? Maybe she didn't have stuff to keep. Funnily enough I have letters from 2 previous boyfriends but have nothing from my husband. Not a thing!! But I have a whole life with him so don't really need a box!

You said you weren't going to say anything, but clearly this is annoying you. You might have told her you weren't going to just be used to "keep her warm", but that doesn't mean that she agrees to that.

Honestly - do you think if this fella moved in down the road next week that you and she would still be together? If the answer is "yes, absolutely" then forget about the box. It's irrelevant. If the answer is "I'm not too sure, probably not" then that's what you deal with. Again, the box is irrelevant.

She did agree to that though she promised she only wants me so that's why the box is relevant because before it I could answer your question that I'm certain she would stay with me and I had no reason to doubt it. After the box I'm a lot less sure. Hence why I started the whole thread really.

Big Bag of Chips

JimmyJimuJim wrote: »

She did agree to that though she promised she only wants me so that's why the box is relevant

People can say things and not mean them. In real life the person you are seeing is hardly likely to say "actually yes, I'm in love with someone who lives abroad, so I'm going to settle for you because there's a chance me and the fella I'm actually in love with won't get together again".

If you believe her, and if she makes you feel like you are her number 1 then the box is irrelevant. I married my husband, but I still have a box full of letters from the boyfriend I was with immediately before starting to go out with my husband. Does the existence of this box and the fact that I will not throw it out mean that my marriage to my husband is a lie? Should he doubt that I actually want to be with him and not this other fella? Should a life together and children and shared experiences and everything else count for nothing all because I have a keepsake box?

Plenty of people have them. It doesn't mean they are hankering for the past.

LegacyUser

JimmyJimuJim wrote: »

She did agree to that though she promised she only wants me so that's why the box is relevant because before it I could answer your question that I'm certain she would stay with me and I had no reason to doubt it. After the box I'm a lot less sure. Hence why I started the whole thread really.

Honestly OP it sounds like you have a lot bigger issues to work out then a box with some old cards and bits and pieces in it. Memory boxes are rarely about the person but about the time, that moment when things were either going good or bad. Some people have to get rid of everything the second a relationship is over, others hold on to things for short periods then get rid, while others still hold on forever. All of the above options can be unhealthy depending on the context but for most people it's what works for them. Some people like to horde, others not so much.

Your insecurity in the relationship is a separate issue but you are focusing it on this box. Even if she threw it away tomorrow OP it won't magically make your feelings better. You sound very unsure in the relationship and where it's going and the fact that's been off again on again has amplified that. The more you type the more insecure you sound. You need to sit down with her and talk about YOUR relationship not past ones.

dee_mc

The box is kind of irrelevant here.
To me, what's relevant is the fact that you don't trust her.
You need to talk to her about her feelings for you and her feelings for her ex - not to make a comparison or anything, just to see if she still has feelings for him, if she would get back with him if the opportunity arose, if she has any reservations about your relationship becoming more serious etc. See what she says and see if you believe her and move forward from there.
There are people who keep boxes of symbols from past relationships that they wouldn't care to reignite, but on the other hand there are people who don't keep any physical reminders of past relationships who would reunite with an ex in a heartbeat given the opportunity.
You need to decide which camp your girlfriend falls into!
Don't tell any lies of half truths, be totally honest with her and see how it goes. Pretending not to have found the box and engineering a conversation in which you try to 'catch her out' would be very sneaky, cynical and dishonest in my opinion, and if I were your girlfriend, innocently keeping a box of memories from my younger days, I'd feel really betrayed if it transpired that you had been going through my stuff and then trying to catch me out on a lie. So tread carefully to avoid spoiling what sounds like a potentially good relationship!

SarahMollie

I've held on to things from ex boyfiends previously, and just gradually thrown them out over time. It didnt mean I was pining for them, just that the objects had sentimental value and were tied up in some happy memories. It didnt mean I was in any way confused or unable to move on.

I know from my own experience that I've probably gotten less sentimental in my old age (30!) so theres definitely a lot let stuff hanging around these days, but I never threw everything out in one big dramatic gesture. When I moved around during my 20's, some stuff probably was left behind at my parents house and subsequently thrown out, and then other things that I'd originally brought with me were gradually culled with each move. At this stage I've maybe 1 Teddy from my first ex, and I've really only held onto it because its a very nice teddy and too nice to bin, but this thread is making me think I should dig it out and give it to charity as my requirement for Teddy Bears at this stage in my life is low

Yellow pack crisps

If it was me I would not put doubts in her head about the relationship and would examine my own insecurities and work on improving this. To be frankly honest she seems very honest and doesn't seem to be hiding anything from you and really has done nothing wrong and if you talk about this she probably will be upset and might question a lot of things because of it. Honestly it's an exhausting thing being with someone insecure and it never ends well! As for broaching it with her just be honest with her say that you are feeling a bit insecure but that it's totally your own thing and you are working on it and it is in no alway a reflextion of her.

Traq

JimmyJimuJim wrote: »

She did agree to that though she promised she only wants me so that's why the box is relevant because before it I could answer your question that I'm certain she would stay with me and I had no reason to doubt it. After the box I'm a lot less sure. Hence why I started the whole thread really.

That's entirely down to your insecurities though. You've seen this box so it's raised issues of jealousy/insecurity that are all to do with you and nothing to do with her.
I, like many other posters in this thread, have lots of mementos from past relationships stashed away. It's purely because of sentimental value and I am certainly not sitting at home pining over any past relationships and going through the various items every night. Months or years can pass before I stumble across something, but as they're all usually markers of a happy occasion they're nice to have and bring a smile to my face when I do see them.

As has been mentioned before, people deal with past relationships and moving on in different ways. Some people will opt for the clean slate approach and get rid of everything from past relationships, while otherwise will keep items for sentimental values. There's no right or wrong in it, and you can't force your partner to throw anything out because you feel it's time that she got rid of it.

JimmyJimuJim

Ok so the overwhelming consensus is that this is my problem not hers. Which is a relief in a lot of ways because it gives me the power to make it better.

So I guess my question now is how best to deal with my insecurities? I'm not normally so insecure, lately for whatever reason every little thing or question mark is being blown up in my own head and without an answer I'm presuming the worst. It's getting quite bad to where I'm border line having a panic attack.

What should I do? I think I need my questions answered not just the box but other (admittedly) minor questions. I know I'm making mountains out of mole hills but it's still a mountain to me. How should I go about addressing this with her because she's not aware of my insecurities and I've never mentioned it to her before really and a lot of people are saying how it can bring in a bad dynamic between us.

Should I just accept that you can't ever be 100% sure of someone and their motives. Or should I talk to her about it and if so how should I go about it.?

racso1975

If you are borderline panic attacks you need to go to a GP. Talk to them and develop a plan of action. (This is on the basis the everything in your life is causing this type of reaction and not just everything in this relationship)

Be honest with her and tell her how you feel at the moment and that you plan on addressing these issues you have and tell her the plan that you and your GP develop.

The piece about never being 100% sure about someone can make you very cynical about people in general. I may be a naive on this front but my view point is I cannot control somebody else's actions. If they are going to do something silly in any form of a relationship I have with them that's their doing not mine. My rule of thumb though is to not take anybody for 100% granted and what I mean by that is that you need to always continue to work in a relationship. Let the person know how much they mean to you and not just by words but by actions too.

Ironically by trying to overly control a relationship or being overly possessive/jealous of a person you are more likely to drive them out of the relationship or into the arms of another.

Finally relationships are a risk be they intimate ones or friendship ones. You need to accept that. You risk getting emotionally hurt because sometimes they just don't work out no matter how much you invest in them.

JimmyJimuJim

racso1975 wrote: »

If you are borderline panic attacks you need to go to a GP. Talk to them and develop a plan of action. (This is on the basis the everything in your life is causing this type of reaction and not just everything in this relationship)

Be honest with her and tell her how you feel at the moment and that you plan on addressing these issues you have and tell her the plan that you and your GP develop.

The piece about never being 100% sure about someone can make you very cynical about people in general. I may be a naive on this front but my view point is I cannot control somebody else's actions. If they are going to do something silly in any form of a relationship I have with them that's their doing not mine. My rule of thumb though is to not take anybody for 100% granted and what I mean by that is that you need to always continue to work in a relationship. Let the person know how much they mean to you and not just by words but by actions too.

Ironically by trying to overly control a relationship or being overly possessive/jealous of a person you are more likely to drive them out of the relationship or into the arms of another.

Finally relationships are a risk be they intimate ones or friendship ones. You need to accept that. You risk getting emotionally hurt because sometimes they just don't work out no matter how much you invest in them.

I don't think the GP is necessary. Maybe after I clear the air with my gf if I'm still having these feelings I'll consider it. But at the moment I don't think it's anything me and her can't solve.

racso1975

So your potential panic attacks are completely based upon this relationship?

JimmyJimuJim

racso1975 wrote: »

So your potential panic attacks are completely based upon this relationship?

I think panic attacks might have been an overexageration. I am getting really worked up about this but a GP is not necessary, cutting down on the weed is probably a better option as it's feeding my paranoia. No I do get unnecessarily worked up about other stuff but this is causing me the most worry.

racso1975

JimmyJimuJim wrote: »

I think panic attacks might have been an overexageration. I am getting really worked up about this but a GP is not necessary, cutting down on the weed is probably a better option as it's feeding my paranoia. No I do get unnecessarily worked up about other stuff but this is causing me the most worry.

:rolleyes: Grand best of luck.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

-Cutting down on the weed is probably a good idea
-Is there a friend you can talk to about this, sounds like you're worrying about it over and over in your head, and that can make things seem way better than they are. Is your GF aware of your worries about this guy?
-As established, memory boxes are not a big deal, but I can see from what you've described why you might feel insecure about this particular ex. You seem to be really fixated on this box. I can see why it would have been unpleasant to discover, but it's really not healthy to be thinking about it as much as you seem to be. How long ago did you see it/how long have you guys been back together?
-You need to work on your insecurity for you own sake and for the sake of those around you, and while it's not your girlfriend's responsibility to pander to any paranoia, it is something she can contribute to. Have a conversation with her. Does she generally make you feel secure in the relationship? Does she demonstrate affection (physically, verbally, in little romantic gestures), or is she maybe a bit reserved?