Warning signs or am I overracting

LegacyUser · 17-10-2016 11:58AM #1

So I've been dating this girl for about 2 months now, we get on fairly effortlessly, similar outlooks on life and electric sex. First girl in a few years that would make me want to settle down for, because as fun as single life has been, nothing beats feeling a connection on that level.

Well at least I thought that until Saturday night, we were having a great time as usual, having a few drinks at my place. She went off to the bathroom and upon exiting she said half jokingly 'so have you had many woman back here recently?' to which I replied with a confused 'sorry?'. Unbeknownst to me there were a couple of female toiletries (spray/conditioner) which my sister had left there earlier in the week. I explained this to her, was probably a little on the curt side as didn't really like the accusational nature of her question, even if she wasn't all that serious. Then for whatever reason she thought this would be a good time to ask me would I like to make our relationship exclusive. I told her that was definitely the direction I had seen us going, and that I haven't dated anyone else since our 2nd date but perhaps we wait another little while longer. It just didn't feel right to me at that time to reward suspicious behaviour like that.

Anyway for the first time things got a little awkward after that, she went a bit into herself, almost seemed a bit embarrassed. She made a fairly weak excuse and left shortly after. Neither of us have contacted each other since. It's obviously a very silly thing to have fallen out over and as much as I want to make the next move and call her first, I'm not sure her reaction was all that mature and has me questioning a few things. At the same time losing someone potentially special over something so trivial would be a shame. So should I stick to convictions or contact her?

Merkin · 17-10-2016 12:13PM

Unsurepete wrote: »

It just didn't feel right to me at that time to reward suspicious behaviour like that.

Seriously?:rolleyes:

I think, if she is sleeping with you and has been seeing you for two whole months, then she'd every right to ask who owned the toiletries in your bathroom. I remember being completely duped by a guy years ago and I wish I'd been more questioning about red flags. I think when you responded she rightly or wrongly saw it as a rather clumsy way in which to bring up exclusivity.

I think you've been incredibly immature by not contacting her. You said you want to wait a while but if you're PUNISHING her now by making her wait then you're being quite cruel.

Phone her she tell her you were a bit shocked when she asked you about the stuff, apologise for being rude and arrange another date and get things back on an even keel before you ruin this for both of you.

Magicmatilda · 17-10-2016 12:18PM

I can see where her concern came from. She has been dating and sleeping with you for two months and probably felt it was going the same direction. She most likely got a bit of a shock when she saw the stuff in your bathroom and asked about it. Given the nature of the conversation she felt it would be a good time to discuss exclusivity. You then told her that you do not want to be exclusive yet. To me that means you want to keep your options open. I imagine she is feeling quite vulnerable and raw from what she may well have seen as a rejection. She is probably embarrassed because she now feels she misread the situation and thought you were more serious than you were (based on your reply to being exclusive)

Had she come out of the bathroom all guns blazing accusing you of sleeping with others I could understand your reticence. Or if she refused to believe the story about your sister. However to me your actions seem cruel. You punished her for asking you a question and trying to clarify the nature of your relationship. Maybe you have been burnt in the past and feel you need to protect yourself or something but I think you made an error in your judgement.

Do you want to have a relationship with this girl, if so, I think you should contact her and tell her that and even apologise for shooting her down at the weekend.

Tigger99 · 17-10-2016 12:24PM

Maybe it was her extremely clumsy way of bringing up the exclusivity conversation. Considering how many of my friends and posters on boards have assumed it was going that way but didn't ask and things ended suddenly months later as the guy wasn't really that interested but didn't want to say anything I'm not surprised she asked.

bucketybuck · 17-10-2016 12:31PM

I still can't figure out what the poor girl is supposed to have done wrong. OP needs to take a long look at his own behaviour I think.

stargazer 68 · 17-10-2016 12:36PM

Unsurepete wrote: »

It just didn't feel right to me at that time to reward suspicious behaviour like that.

She hasn't contacted you either - maybe she realises she's had a lucky escape! If you do make contact I suggest, as someone else has, that you apologise

pookie82 · 17-10-2016 12:41PM

Your reaction is ridiculous and incredibly mean. She had every right to ask whose the toiletries were ... she's been investing in you for 2 months now, and sleeping with you. On a sexual health note alone, she has a right to ask if you're being monogamous. She didn't even kick off or do it in a demanding manner, she passed it off as a jokey comment, and this is your behaviour?

I don't think you're cut out for a relationship, to be honest. The good ones only work when you can communicate suspicion/concern/worry and ask valid questions without being punished with silence.

bucketybuck · 17-10-2016 12:42PM

mickmackmcgoo wrote: »

Maybe when she asked him if he wanted to be exclusive she was gonna tell him she had been seeing other people up to then. But when he said he hadn't she got embarrassed and went off

After 2 months of regular contact and sex the answer to "are you going to sleep with anybody else?" really shouldn't be "I want to keep my options open". No wonder she left.

mickmackmcgoo · 17-10-2016 12:46PM

bucketybuck wrote:

After 2 months of regular contact and sex the answer to "are you going to sleep with anybody else?" really shouldn't be "I want to keep my options open". No wonder she left.

I'm not defending the OP and how he reacted I'm just saying she asked him if he wanted to be exclusive which could well mean she had being seeing others.

LegacyUser · 17-10-2016 12:54PM

Can't believe how cruel you are being, it's been two months and no mention of exclusivity, she brings it up after very understandably getting a tad worried when seeing toiletries like that and you react like this??? She is NOT a mind reader, you have not yet discussed the relationship and are on the road to it being something serious. A woman (and man) these days needs to be careful and not go all out trusting everyone she dates, don't bother getting offended by this it is common sense and also from a sexual health point of view. Trust is earned and you just simply telling her and showing her in your words and deeds that you are not dating others will quickly build her confidence in the relationship. You should not have reacted to her being unsure of where she stands like you did. Man up and ca her and apologise.

BreadnBuddha · 17-10-2016 12:55PM

Unsurepete wrote: »

So I've been dating this girl for about 2 months now, we get on fairly effortlessly, similar outlooks on life and electric sex. First girl in a few years that would make me want to settle down for, because as fun as single life has been, nothing beats feeling a connection on that level.

Well at least I thought that until Saturday night, we were having a great time as usual, having a few drinks at my place. She went off to the bathroom and upon exiting she said half jokingly 'so have you had many woman back here recently?' to which I replied with a confused 'sorry?'. Unbeknownst to me there were a couple of female toiletries (spray/conditioner) which my sister had left there earlier in the week. I explained this to her, was probably a little on the curt side as didn't really like the accusational nature of her question, even if she wasn't all that serious. Then for whatever reason she thought this would be a good time to ask me would I like to make our relationship exclusive. I told her that was definitely the direction I had seen us going, and that I haven't dated anyone else since our 2nd date but perhaps we wait another little while longer. It just didn't feel right to me at that time to reward suspicious behaviour like that.

Anyway for the first time things got a little awkward after that, she went a bit into herself, almost seemed a bit embarrassed. She made a fairly weak excuse and left shortly after. Neither of us have contacted each other since. It's obviously a very silly thing to have fallen out over and as much as I want to make the next move and call her first, I'm not sure her reaction was all that mature and has me questioning a few things. At the same time losing someone potentially special over something so trivial would be a shame. So should I stick to convictions or contact her?

You should take a long hard look at your own behaviour before you decide to contact her or not. Tactless and immature response to that situation Pete, on your part. An open and honest answer about it being your sisters stuff was all that was needed. You went on the defensive and then hurt her, deliberately, by trying to suggest you wait a little longer, despite everything you said at the start of your post. For what? So she can go home feeling upset and insecure?

A pathetic way for any man to treat any woman. You could have defused that situation in a heartbeat but you acted like a fool instead.

piglet74 · 17-10-2016 12:59PM

Seriously... You owe this girl an apology,

But as mentioned above, she might feel like she had a lucky escape, and you are being very cruel to her.

J Mysterio · 17-10-2016 01:04PM

Magicmatilda wrote: »

I can see where her concern came from. She has been dating and sleeping with you for two months and probably felt it was going the same direction. She most likely got a bit of a shock when she saw the stuff in your bathroom and asked about it. Given the nature of the conversation she felt it would be a good time to discuss exclusivity. You then told her that you do not want to be exclusive yet. To me that means you want to keep your options open. I imagine she is feeling quite vulnerable and raw from what she may well have seen as a rejection. She is probably embarrassed because she now feels she misread the situation and thought you were more serious than you were (based on your reply to being exclusive)

Had she come out of the bathroom all guns blazing accusing you of sleeping with others I could understand your reticence. Or if she refused to believe the story about your sister. However to me your actions seem cruel. You punished her for asking you a question and trying to clarify the nature of your relationship. Maybe you have been burnt in the past and feel you need to protect yourself or something but I think you made an error in your judgement.

Do you want to have a relationship with this girl, if so, I think you should contact her and tell her that and even apologise for shooting her down at the weekend.

This

frostyjacks · 17-10-2016 01:10PM

She overstepped the mark, even if it was only half-jokingly. I would wait for her to apologise for speaking out of turn, otherwise it'll only encourage her to throw more accusations in the future.

LegacyUser · 17-10-2016 01:26PM

Merkin wrote: »

Seriously?:rolleyes:

I think, if she is sleeping with you and has been seeing you for two whole months, then she'd every right to ask who owned the toiletries in your bathroom. I remember being completely duped by a guy years ago and I wish I'd been more questioning about red flags. I think when you responded she rightly or wrongly saw it as a rather clumsy way in which to bring up exclusivity.

I think you've been incredibly immature by not contacting her. You said you want to wait a while but if you're PUNISHING her now by making her wait then you're being quite cruel.

Phone her she tell her you were a bit shocked when she asked you about the stuff, apologise for being rude and arrange another date and get things back on an even keel before you ruin this for both of you.

Hi, thanks for the reply. I wasn't trying to punish her at all, I made it very clear I hadn't been seeing anyone else and I didn't plan to now but just needed a little to longer to get to know each other better. I mean in truth I wanted nothing more than her to be my girlfriend but considering how close we had been I felt a little taken aback that she'd be suspicious of me. My heart honestly drooped a little when she asked. Getting into a serious relationship is not a decision I make lightly, I see so many people settle for people they're not compatible to and ultimately end up unhappy or even unfaithful.

But it would be pretty folly of me to not take the fairly unanimous advice/criticism on board, the outside perspective has now made me see the error of my ways and neglect of recognition for her feelings or worries.

Passtheremote · 17-10-2016 01:27PM

It sounded like you wanted to be exclusive with this girl, so your behaviour wreaks of game playing, and just comes across as trying to throw her off balance. Not nice at all! 2 months is more than enough time to make the call as to exclusivity and the bathroom incident seems like a red herring.

Of course if you don't want to be exclusive it's really good she brought it up as you both found out you aren't on the same page , and going your separate ways is probably best.

woodchuck · 17-10-2016 01:28PM

frostyjacks wrote: »

She overstepped the mark, even if it was only half-jokingly. I would wait for her to apologise for speaking out of turn, otherwise it'll only encourage her to throw more accusations in the future.

How exactly did she overstep the mark? She's been seeing this guy (and sleeping with him) for two months and then spotted female products that weren't hers in the bathroom. She jokingly asked about it. What's the harm? It's not like she flew off the handle yelling at him or anything! It's a perfectly reasonable question with a perfectly reasonable answer. How exactly was she "speaking out of turn"?! That's a very worrying statement tbh. It sounds like you're talking about training a dog, not interacting with another human being.

And I don't understand why her asking to become exclusive could be a red flag either. It's a perfectly reasonable question after dating for 2 months, even if the OP thinks it wasn't the best timing to ask.

OP as others have suggested, I think you need to look at your own behaviour here, not hers. She's the one who should be sensing the red flags (nothing to do with the bathroom products), not you.

racso1975 · 17-10-2016 01:31PM

frostyjacks wrote: »

She overstepped the mark, even if it was only half-jokingly. I would wait for her to apologise for speaking out of turn, otherwise it'll only encourage her to throw more accusations in the future.

I think this is mad ted!!!! She has a right to know after 2 months of investment if it's exclusive or not. Maybe they were having unprotected sex and she wanted to know was she in danger. Maybe it was asked with dutch courage cause they were having a few drinks.

If you were dating somebody for 2 months in what appeared to a serious relationship to you and you arrived at the house and saw male toiletries their would you not want to know where you stood with that person?

She may have felt embarrassed by the answer and then really embarrassed by getting a metaphorical slap across the puss!!!

If you want it to work out contact her and discuss it and tell her what got your back up and why. There is obviously a reason maybe a previous relationship or something.

batmanrobin · 17-10-2016 01:35PM

I think your behaviour is coming across as a bit controlling. You said you didn't want to reward "suspicious behaviour". Are you for real? She's your equal, not a child that needs to spend some time in the bold corner. After 2 months any person with an ounce of self respect is, of course, going to ask what was going on. Your reaction was bad form and your continued lack of communication is juvenile.

She did nothing wrong, OP, you did. Cop on and apologise to her for being OTT.

If she posted here describing your response I'd say a fair few posters would be telling her to forget about you. I know I would.

Dixie Chick · 17-10-2016 01:40PM

The thing that stood out most for me was using the term "reward". You do not want to reward the girl who actually nicely asked you about bathroom toiletries? She might actually be better off.

I don't know, maybe you post came across harsher than it was meant to?

twill · 17-10-2016 01:46PM

frostyjacks wrote: »

She overstepped the mark, even if it was only half-jokingly. I would wait for her to apologise for speaking out of turn, otherwise it'll only encourage her to throw more accusations in the future.

Wow. So you advise the OP to establish manipulative and controlling parameters for the relationship?

I told her that was definitely the direction I had seen us going, and that I haven't dated anyone else since our 2nd date but perhaps we wait another little while longer. It just didn't feel right to me at that time to reward suspicious behaviour like that.

I'm sorry, OP, but I really do hope she's moved on and isn't going to play your game. I can only suggest that you re-examine your attitudes. A "connection" isn't about her proving herself worthy of you or you maintaining the upper hand (because everyone is untrustworthy and you have to watch your back, etc etc). It's two adults relating to each other honestly and learning to be open and vulnerable. If you're not prepared to do that, and can only feel secure by making the other person miserable, you're not in a position to have a relationship.

It may seem a lot to infer from one interaction, but unfortunately it all looks very familar,

LegacyUser · 17-10-2016 01:47PM

Unsurepete wrote: »

'so have you had many woman back here recently?'

OP, this was not an accusation, it's a normal, straightforward question considering that you were only dating. Had you already been in a committed relationship, this kind of a question would have been strange, and sound like an accusation, but seeing that you were only dating, you bringing other women home wouldn't really be considered a crime by most people. If your honest response to her question was: "kinda, there was a couple" - she would probably feel disappointed, but not exactly shocked, because this is what dating looks like these days!

She actually handled the situation really well - she wanted to find out whether you were seeing just her, or some other women as well (which is not that unusual), and she did it in an open, straightforward way. In my view, discussing exclusivity was a natural follow up in this situation - I would have done the same thing.

I'm not sure why you reacted this way - perhaps you are inexperienced, or somewhat ignorant of today's dating scene. Either way - it's you who messed up here, and I agree with others - you should call her and apologise profusely.

frostyjacks · 17-10-2016 02:20PM

twill wrote: »

Wow. So you advise the OP to establish manipulative and controlling parameters for the relationship?

It was a little bit bunny boiler-ish of her. At the lower end of the scale, but on the scale nonetheless. Today she's inspecting his bathroom cabinet, next week she'll be enquiring about his female friends on Facebook or female work colleagues. That's how it starts.

eviltwin · 17-10-2016 02:26PM

I'm still trying to figure out what she did wrong here. She asked a perfectly legitimate question and the OP completely over reacted. If you don't want to answer that's up to you OP but she was entitled to ask and doesn't deserve that rather worrisome reaction. Is this silent treatment your go to tacit when someone annoys you? How would you react is something really serious happened I wonder? I think you owe her an apology.

Magicmatilda · 17-10-2016 02:33PM

frostyjacks wrote: »

It was a little bit bunny boiler-ish of her. At the lower end of the scale, but on the scale nonetheless. Today she's inspecting his bathroom cabinet, next week she'll be enquiring about his female friends on Facebook or female work colleagues. That's how it starts.

How do you know she was inspecting any cabinet? OP never mentioned that she had inspected his bathroom cabinet. I read it that those items had been left out in plan view. In which case I fail to see how asking about them is bunny boilerish? It is asking a question, that's all.

Eimee90 · 17-10-2016 02:44PM

Unsurepete wrote:

Well at least I thought that until Saturday night, we were having a great time as usual, having a few drinks at my place. She went off to the bathroom and upon exiting she said half jokingly 'so have you had many woman back here recently?' to which I replied with a confused 'sorry?'. Unbeknownst to me there were a couple of female toiletries (spray/conditioner) which my sister had left there earlier in the week. I explained this to her, was probably a little on the curt side as didn't really like the accusational nature of her question, even if she wasn't all that serious. Then for whatever reason she thought this would be a good time to ask me would I like to make our relationship exclusive. I told her that was definitely the direction I had seen us going, and that I haven't dated anyone else since our 2nd date but perhaps we wait another little while longer. It just didn't feel right to me at that time to reward suspicious behaviour like that.

Reward? She's not a pet, Op

twill · 17-10-2016 02:45PM

Magicmatilda wrote: »

How do you know she was inspecting any cabinet? OP never mentioned that she had inspected his bathroom cabinet. I read it that those items had been left out in plan view. In which case I fail to see how asking about them is bunny boilerish? It is asking a question, that's all.

Also, the adult way of indicating that you think it is an intrusive question is to give the other person the courtesy of an honest response, not to manipulate them into not asking questions. The idea that it is reasonable for a person to police someone's thoughts, conversation and behaviour is frankly alarming.

What is suggested both by the OP and frostyjack is teaching OP's (ex?) girlfriend that if she raises issues that he finds uncomfortable, she must refrain from asking questions or he will punish her. That's not an equal relationship, it's one in which the OP has the upper hand.

magneticimpulse · 17-10-2016 02:49PM

frostyjacks wrote: »

It was a little bit bunny boiler-ish of her. At the lower end of the scale, but on the scale nonetheless. Today she's inspecting his bathroom cabinet, next week she'll be enquiring about his female friends on Facebook or female work colleagues. That's how it starts.

I agree with the posters about the OP being in the wrong. People only get suspious when people act cagey and are not upfront and honest - as if they have something to hide.

Two adults should be able to have an adult conversation about where a relationship is going. I was with a guy who had other female products in his bathroom. I assumed they were his mams or brothers friends etc. Turns out he was seeing another girl. Sometimes people do have to follow red flags and be cautious if the other person is not grown up enough to be open and honest. I think it's worrying that you believe you should not be open because she doesn't deserve to be "rewarded for her behaviour". It's not a game OP....how are people meant to know what's happening unless they ask questions?

blairbear · 17-10-2016 02:53PM

I was seeing a guy for 7 weeks until a fortnight ago. He made an off-hand comment about a technique he used to chat up women! Like this girl, I immediately asked if we were exclusive or not. Like you, he replied that he wanted to wait a while, although he saw it going in that direction and thought I was perfect for him.

I'm delighted I asked the question. It gave me the clarity that I needed. To stop seeing him! Show that kind of ambivalence, OP, and many women will opt out. You shouldn't have to convince someone to choose you!

I'd do some damage control, sharpish, if you really like her.

osarusan · 17-10-2016 03:10PM

Unsurepete wrote: »

I'm not sure her reaction was all that mature and has me questioning a few things.

I would guess that if she hears what you have to say about suspicious behaviour and 'rewards', she will feel the same way.

RoyalMarine · 17-10-2016 03:15PM

Do the girl a favour and don't contact her.
She doesn't need drama like you in her life.

Warning signs or am I overracting

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